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Ryougi Shiki reverently traces her finger over her new knife, humming to herself as she lies on the top bunk in her temporary dorm room. The tool is a simple dinner knife. Manufactured to cut apart cooked and prepared meals, it’s a purely domestic item through and through. Yet, even with a blunted edge, it would still make a fine addition to her collection. She breathes slowly as she draws her finger away. Her mouth widens in awe as a faint red line remains where she traced over the knife.
Never underestimate Sunday school funding, she remarks internally.
A snapping sound followed by swearing breaks Shiki’s reverie. Blinking once, she cranes her head over in the direction of the desk. That’s the fifth one this week.
“Need me to stage an intervention?” she calls out.
Kokutou Azaka responds with aggravated and incoherent muttering, not turning to face Shiki. She remains hunched over her desk and scribbling into her notebook, just as she’d been for the past few hours.
“Azaka,” Shiki calls, louder than before. She receives the same response.
This is my life now. Shiki sighs and descends from her bunk, leaving her knife by the pillow. She stalks over to the desk, yanks Azaka’s chair out from the desk, and seizes her notebook. Azaka, shocked, snaps her head towards Shiki. “Hey! What gives!?” she hisses. She tries to grab her notebook, but Shiki holds it away.
“That’s enough,” Shiki states. “Talk.”
Azaka shoots Shiki a look of pure venom as she tightens up and gets ready to pounce. Despite the imminent threat, Shiki merely raises an eyebrow as if to ask Azaka whether she really wanted to pick this fight.
And, almost on cue, Azaka relents. She exhales and loosens her shoulders, slouching in her chair.
“What is there to talk about?” Azaka asks, tiredness seeping into her words.
Shiki shrugs. “Whatever has you snapping pencils at the dead of night, apparently. I’m no Mikiya, but I can still be a half-decent listener.”
Azaka pouts, and Shiki meets her with an even gaze. Azaka crumbles in short order.
“Okay, fine! I’ll talk, happy now?” Huffing, she gets up from her chair and takes a seat on the lower bunk. She pats the spot next to her. “Sit here. This might take a while.”
Shiki obliges.
Azaka fiddles around with a pillow as she starts. “First off. Do not talk to anyone about this. Not Touko, not even me, and especially not Mikiya. Do not even remember this conversation.”
Shiki holds back a chuckle. Azaka’s attempts to intimidate hadn’t quite hit the mark, but Shiki humors her. Teasing her would be fun, Shiki considers, but it wouldn’t be worth the ensuing headache. “Alright," she assents.
Azaka takes a deep breath. “Would it be okay if I…leaned against you?”
That takes Shiki by surprise. She blinks, left at a loss for words. Flushing, Azaka scrambles to recover her ground. “Y-you can ignore that, I’ll be fine, it’s just that—“
“You can lean on me,” Shiki says, plainly and without judgment.
Azaka stops. She gulps. “You’re sure?”
Shiki nods.
Shuddering, Azaka rests her head against Shiki’s shoulder. “I’m scared,” she admits.
“Of the assignment?”
“Not really. What happened to that class is some scary stuff, yeah. But honestly, I’ve been focusing on that as a distraction from what’s actually bothering me the most,” Azaka admits. “It’s something childish and dumb. It’s something you should judge me for.”
“Shoot.”
Azaka gulps audibly. “I…feel very complicated things about you. But most of all, I don’t want to let you down.”
Shiki blinks again. Well. That’s certainly pointed phrasing.
“…Why is my opinion of you all that important?” Shiki asks, trying to exercise a measure of caution for Azaka’s feelings.
Unfortunately, that ends up upsetting Azaka anyway. “You don’t get it, do you?” she snaps.
“I’m afraid you’ll have to spell it out for me.”
Azaka buries her face in the pillow she’d grabbed and groans into it, pointedly covering her reddening face. “This is way too embarrassing! Can we just stop it here and forget about it?”
“I’d be fine with that, but something tells me it’d keep bothering you. And in the long term, that’d make my job here more complicated. So by all means, keep talking.”
“You’re getting a kick out of tormenting me like this, aren’t you,” Azaka grumbles.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Shiki says as a smirk dances across her lips.
Azaka grumbles and settles down, choosing to leave Shiki be. “When I came home for middle school, I saw my brother with someone. I was jealous of her and really wanted to kick her ass. She had good grades, came from a good family, she was athletic, she was…” Azaka hesitates. “She was beautiful. And the way Mikiya looked at her was…something that could never be mine. The simple way she carried herself is something I’d never have.”
Shiki listens quietly.
Azaka continues. “But that wasn’t for a lack of trying. That’s why I’m in this situation. I owed Touko a favor and didn’t want to disappoint her, true. But beyond that, I think, I wanted to prove to myself that I could be just as capable as you. And when you actually ended up coming here, all that pressure just…kicked into high gear.”
Shiki hums in acknowledgement. Neither of them say a word, leaving Azaka’s vent to linger in the air.
Azaka peeps up awkwardly. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“Hey, I said I was a half-decent listener, not a therapist. That’s Touko’s job, not mine.”
“A damn fake therapist,” Azaka mutters.
“I suppose you’re not wrong about that.” The two try to share a chuckle over the quip, but the attempt at levity falls flat. Azaka bristles uncomfortably, and Shiki massages her temples as she feels a headache coming on. Shiki internally curses Mikiya for precipitating this situation, and she has an inkling that Azaka is currently doing the same.
“So if I’m getting this right,” Shiki starts. “I’m some kind of mirror for your self-worth because you’re jealous that I’m dating your brother?”
Azaka hums in an unsatisfied manner. “Not entirely? I wish it were so simple. I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t like thinking about this very much, so you’ll have to bear with me.”
“I’m listening.”
“Is it okay if I speak more about Mikiya?” Azaka ventures.
“...Only if you are,” Shiki decides after a bit. “Your feelings about Mikiya are your own, and that’s not something you should feel forced to show me. I appreciate the consideration, though.”
Azaka hums. “I like him. I swear, I really do. I can live with this situation where I pine, and don’t have to face the inevitable answer. I don’t expect to be understood or reciprocated. To him, I’m still his kid sister from eight years ago, and that's all I'll ever be."
Shiki notes that it sounds even more apparent than usual that Azaka's trying to convince herself of something. She decides to leave it be, though—it's not her place to pry.
"You were someone new, though," Azaka continues. "Everything you know about me has been on my own terms. Even though I’d made it a point to declare myself your rival, I’d always looked forward to seeing you. It felt good that you’d have me around to fight with you, and I felt happy showing off what I’d learned. Before I knew it, I was—“ Azaka stops.
“You were…?”
“Ah, shit.” Azaka hisses as she realizes something. “Shiki, I’m gonna need you to shut up.”
“I’m not even—“
“Now!”
Shiki, resigned, sighs and makes a zipping motion over her mouth.
“Before I knew it…” Azaka takes a deep breath. “I was jealous of Mikiya too. That’s what I’ll say.” She picks her words slowly, carefully.
“Ah,” Shiki responds elegantly.
So that’s how it is, Shiki remarks to herself. Despite herself and the situation, she instantly jumps to tease Azaka. “Damn, since you’re into taboos and all, am I hotter because I’m a woman or because I’m already in a relationship? Or, wait, don’t tell me you want—”
“Fuck you!” Shiki winces as Azaka drives an elbow into her leg, but smirks with satisfaction.
“Fine, fine. I’ll be nice and quit messing with you,” Shiki says. She adjusts herself to face Azaka directly.
“You’re brave,” Shiki begins. “It takes a lot to put all of that into words. I’m flattered by how willing you are to open up to someone like me, and I, uh.” She tries to channel a Mikiya-like voice from her inner monologue, but to no avail.
Azaka says nothing, patiently waiting for Shiki to get a flow.
Shiki sheepishly scratches the back of her head and averts her eyes. “Stabbing is my thing. I’m not used to talking things out, so you’ll have to excuse me.”
“I can tell. It’s fine, though.” Azaka has a small smile on her face, despite herself. It doesn't reflect in her eyes, though.
"There's still more on your mind, isn't there?"
Azaka hugs her pillow and sinks into it. "You don't have to spend your time on this and listen to me blathering on. I can ignore it and I promise I won't make it your problem."
"Well, what if I wanted to spend time on this? What if I wanted to listen to you?"
"Are you sure?" Azaka's voice cracks, and Shiki glances away to give her some discretion.
"Yeah."
Azaka inhales. “You and Mikiya are perfect for each other. And it hurts even more because I care so much for both of you, and I know that I’ll be left behind when you tie the knot. There’s not going to be any room for me in your lives, because you’ll be starting a new one together.”
“Azaka, I'm gonna need you to listen to me.” Shiki's voice becomes stern.
“Yeah?”
“First off, you’re speculating on my relationship with Mikiya. I need you to not do that. Are we clear?”
“…Understood.”
“Secondly, you're not being fair to me, Mikiya, or yourself. That's a lot of assumptions about us as people. Mikiya values you. I value you. Our relationship with each other doesn’t reflect on you."
Azaka, silent, turns to face away from Shiki, but Shiki grabs her by the shoulder. "Look at me for this one, okay?”
Azaka meets Shiki's gaze with tears budding in the corner of her eyes. "What?"
"I want you in my life. You are my friend. I promise that I won't ever leave you."
Azaka stares in shock as her tears fall.
Shiki sighs. Well, how can I leave you like this?
Azaka gasps as Shiki wraps her in an awkward embrace and pats her back. "Now, you have to promise not to tell anyone about this, yeah? Especially not Touko."
Azaka nods into Shiki's shoulder, and stays there for a bit.
"...Thanks. I haven't had a hug like that in a long time." Azaka says as she leans out of the embrace.
"Got everything off your chest?" Shiki asks.
"Just about." Azaka nods slowly, recomposing herself.
"What now?"
"Well... I suppose that tomorrow, I'm gonna go back to saying that you don't deserve Mikiya and that his heart belongs to me. And you're gonna go back to brushing me off like a pest."
"But you don't really believe any of that at all, do you?"
"My happiness is dangerous—it'll hurt people if I pursue it." Azaka smiles bitterly. "If the next best thing I can do is perform the same routine like I haven't lost anything, then I don't actually have to come to terms with it. It's the only way I know how to live, after all."
"Mm." Shiki hums contemplatively.
"What, aren't you going to say that I should deserve to pursue my happiness anyway?"
"No. I wouldn't insult you like that," Shiki sighs. "It wouldn't be anything less than hypocrisy coming from me."
"I suppose you of all people would get it. Weirdo." Azaka mutters the insult fondly, without malice.
"Hey, hey. This is about you, not me! Don't get too comfortable," Shiki grumbles.
Azaka only giggles in response, and Shiki can’t help but crack a smile.
"If it's okay with you, can I stay with you like this? Just for tonight?"
"Azaka…"
"I promise I won't make it weird."
Shiki’s eyebrow twitches. "Fine, just for tonight. Get some hobbies so you don’t bother me like this in the future."
"Thanks, Shiki."
Shiki simply lies down and turns over to face the wall, with her back to Azaka. She leaves enough room for another person to sleep next to her.
Idiot. You're not dangerous, and neither is your happiness. You'll find it one day, somehow. And if you try to be cool and turn it down, I'll kick your ass myself.
And with that, Ryougi Shiki passes out.