Chapter Text
First Officer’s personal log, star date 3292.7:
I have instructed the computer to allow access to this entry via my voice authorization only; the confessions I am about to make could potentially jeopardize my status as both First Officer and as a Vulcan.
I am failing.
It has been 72 hours since disobeying Dr McCoy’s medical orders by releasing myself from Sickbay. It was erroneous on my part to have the belief that I would be able to maintain constant control over the pain the parasite is inflicting upon me.
I am a Vulcan. Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
Obfuscation of the truth was necessary to secure a second parasite for study.
It is illogical to deny that my defiance has hastened the waning of the control I was barely able to maintain simply standing on the transporter pad. As a Starfleet officer, bodily harm is to be expected; it is an unfortunate side effect of exploring the mysteries of the cosmos. I am not unfamiliar with regaining consciousness in Sickbay alongside the other members of a landing party.
This latest occurrence, however, has proven to be the most exquisite example of the dangers of the unknown.
I am in agony.
There is no equivalent descriptor in the Vulcan language.
Dr McCoy was correct in aborting further attempts to remove the parasite from within my body; it’s infiltration into my nervous system has been quite thorough. I am able to feel it’s tentacles slithering and constricting amongst my cranial nerves.
I have never found myself in such an extreme state of physical duress.
Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
To quote the good doctor, bullshit.
I am accustomed to headaches, I am proficient at applying techniques to lessen their influence. What I am experiencing now goes far beyond any cranial discomfort I have experienced in the past.
There is a searing streak of pain pulsating along the nerves within my skull. The muscles in my neck, face and scalp are continually contracting tighter. It is growing ever more temptuous to return to Sickbay and request the doctor to cleave my skull in half in order to relieve the mounting pressure.
My extremities are oscillating between periods of total numbness to extreme hyper-sensitivity, most often in the span of seconds between episodes. Had I not intentionally observed the movements of my body, I would be unaware of my current seated position. Despite the lack of enervation to the posterior portions of the eyes, mine feel as if they have expanded beyond their placement within their orbits and are nearing explosion. I was previously unaware that there is sensation associated with tinnitus, I have been enlightened to its accompanying pounding resonance.
I am fatigued in the extreme. However, earlier attempts at sleep were met with unilateral progression of the pain migrating towards whichever side I was laying on. Tendrils of intense heat radiate from the area on my back where Dr McCoy attempted excision of the parasite.
I wish for an end to the pain. I am employing every mind control technique I am familiar with. But I am slipping, I am losing control.
I can only hope that a cure can be found en haste.