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It was a warm summer’s night, the window that led to the fire escape was cracked open for the chance to catch a cool breeze in the humid little room.
The sheet only went to Nina’s belly button, in order to expose her naked top half to whatever cool air could hit her, Benny was like that too, and they both laid together in a comfortable silence as they caught their breaths, their hands lightly gripping onto each other.
“Benny, it’s almost nine.”
He stayed silent.
“My folks want me back soon…” Nina sat up, but Benny gripped onto her hand.
“Benny-”
“Can you just tell your parents that you’re staying the night here?”
“The plane ride is tomorrow, they want to drive me over and see me off.” Nina glanced over at Benny’s alarm clock, which read 8:43 pm.
“I can walk you home to your parents tomorrow.”
“My flight is at 7:45 in the morning.”
“I can wake up early.”
Nina sighed but laid back down to see Benny face to face, looking a bit taken aback by his teary eyes.
“This is going to be the last time I see you in person for a while.” Benny muttered, going to brush her hair out of her face. “Your parents can have the car ride to the airport, but can I have tonight with you?”
“You’ve already had me tonight.” Nina teased and that brought out a chuckle from Benny, bringing that gentle smile back to his face.
“No, you know what I mean. I sleep easier when you’re beside me.” Benny pulled her closer, bringing her into his body heat. But despite the humidity of the room, it was the thing Nina wanted, nay, needed tonight.
“Benny…” her tone was protesting, but she wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek under his neck. “My parents won’t like this, you know.”
“You’re nineteen, an adult, Nina.” Benny pressed his chin at the top of her head. “You’re allowed to make decisions like this. We’re just cuddling.”
“And according to my father, that leads to sex.”
“Well, he got the order wrong.” Benny chuckled. “Cuddling with anyone?”
“Nope. Just you.”
Benny laughed, but it sounded broken. “He said that, huh?” He couldn’t have made it sound more depressing if he had actively tried.
“You know how he feels about us, I haven’t exactly had a super incredible relationship with my dad lately.” Even though her father had apologized to Benny, he made it very clear that he didn’t approve of them being together. It annoyed, exhausted, and pissed Nina off to such an extent that she couldn’t even stand to be in the same room when he would go off on Benny being nothing other than a skirt chasing trouble maker. He didn’t know Benny the way she did, as cliche as it sounds.
“I know…” Benny kissed the top of her forehead. “And I don’t care what he says about me, or us. I’m going to stay with you no matter what happens.”
“Benny…” Nina looked right up to him and kissed him right on his lips, and he kissed her back with such vigor and care, almost enough to rev her up for another ride on the stretch limousine. His hands were in her hair, then running down her back and rubbing her bare hips as she felt his warm tongue pushing between her lips. Her clitoris tingled and she felt herself getting into that same heat she was in earlier that night-
Her phone buzzed and that completely jolted both of them out of the moment. Benny rushed to get his hands off of her like Kevin Rosario had just slammed the door open, baseball bat in hand.
Nina grabbed her phone. It was just a text message from her father. It was barely nine. That might’ve seemed a bit too overprotective if they lived further away from each other, but it was a five minute walk from Benny’s apartment complex to Nina’s.
Dad: Are you on your way home?
Nina took in a deep breath and typed out her response. She’s an adult. If her father can’t understand that she wants to spend her last night in Washington Heights with her boyfriend, then that was his problem.
Nina: I’m going to spend the night here, Benny will walk me home at six tomorrow.
No question or asking permission about it. Just stating the facts. Nina turned her phone off and laid it back on the nightstand before laying on the bed herself. She can get to that tomorrow, when she’s face to face with her father. Right now, she has other things to do.
“Was that your dad?” Benny still looked a bit spooked.
Nina turned to him, a little smile on her face. “Yeah. I told him that I’m staying here tonight.”
Benny beamed at her.
“Really?”
“Really.” Nina went back to kissing him and Benny kissed her back with the same passion as before, his large hands gliding over her waist as she moaned into his mouth. She moved on top of him soon enough, breathing heavily as Benny began to plant warm, wet kisses to her neck, grabbing at the very same nightstand her phone was on, soon grabbing what she was looking for.
Nina pulled away from Benny, straddling on his lap, and took out another condom from the box. It was, in fact, the last condom in the box. Might as well get his money’s worth.
“I thought you didn’t want to go for another round.” Benny said, but he was smirking, Nina could see that in the darkness of the room.
“I never said that I didn’t, besides, I’m going to need a good night’s sleep if I’m going to be stuck in and out of airports all day.” She smirked back at him, with just as much sensuality, if not more. She tossed the box across the room and opened up the wrapper of the condom, just as she felt his erection tap on her ass cheek.
“Well, I’d do anything for you to get a good night’s rest.” Benny’s voice made Nina’s pussy buzz up. He took the condom, still in the wrapper and kissed Nina again, pulling the condom out of the wrapper.
The car ride back to the airport was silent and tense, and that was just coming from Kevin. Nina sat in the back seat, arms crossed as she glanced out of the window, watching the other cars pass her by, thank God that the traffic was bearable today.
Kevin was less than pleased with the both of them when Benny walked her home earlier today, especially when it came to the way she walked. You try taking a ride on Benny’s taxi twice in one night, and you try walking around like you were still a virgin. At least her mother didn’t mind Benny at all and just thanked him for walking her home that morning. She even offered to have him ride with them to the airport, but that idea was shot down before it could fly. Kevin said that the car was too full to fit him, but that was an obvious lie so while her parents argued over Benny, he just said that he better be getting home anyways. So he hugged and kissed her goodbye and he was walking out the door, tears in both of their eyes as they bid each other farewell, for what Nina knew could be the very last time she sees him in the barrio like this.
No, no. Nina shouldn’t dare think like that. She’ll come back, and come back often. For Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, any birthday, any holiday she’ll…
She doesn’t have the money. She can come back for those three main holidays, but that’s it. She can’t just fly all willy-nilly from California to New York whenever she wants to. Just because she’s going on a scholarship doesn’t mean that everything would be easier for her. Her father had to sell his cab company to just pay for her tuition, making so many people, including her Benny, lose their jobs. Benny had gotten an interview for another cab place next week, but he wasn’t sure if he would get the job or not.
Nina noticed that they were getting close to the airport and as soon as Kevin parked, the three of them rushed in to get Nina checked in and through her gates. About thirty minutes until the plane leaves, and Nina and Kevin still barely said a word to each other.
“I’m going to grab us some café y doughnuts.” Camila stood up and left, just leaving the father and daughter duo to their own devices.
“…Hija, here.” Nina turned over to face him as Kevin pressed a gift in her hand. It was a little rosary, the beads and cross were made from a polished dark wood of some kind, it was heavy in her hands.
“If… if that ever helps you, I hope it would.” The Rosario’s aren’t exactly what you’d call a very religious family. Yeah, they believed in God and had Nina baptized as a child, but they didn’t attend church regularly, didn’t pray before any meals, and never really cared for keeping up with Lent, but this gift didn’t exactly surprise Nina. The shadow of Catholicism was over their house and the entire barrio, even if most didn’t follow its exact doctrine.
“Dad…” she took a breath. She went over to hug him. “Thank you for this gift.”
“You’re welcome.”
Camila caught them in their embrace and smiled and handed them all their doughnuts and coffee. Nina couldn’t help but bite the inside of her cheek when her dear mother handed her a long, chocolate dipped eclair filled with vanilla cream, but they all ate anyway, both of her parents hugging her and grasping her hands when they all finished their doughnuts.
“Remember, if you need any help from us, you let us know.” Kevin’s voice was stern, but filled with care. “You need money, we’ll send you all the money you need. You need to focus more on your studies. You don’t need to work two jobs ever again.”
“But what if-”
“Nina, I am serious.”
“Don’t be afraid to call us if you ever need help.” Camila cut in, taking her daughter’s hand. “Please, I got so worried thinking about you when you said that you dropped out and what you might’ve been doing. Just be honest to us, we’re your parents and we’ll always love you.” Her voice broke a bit when she said that and Nina saw her mom’s eyes growing teary, as were her own.
Nina nodded, going to hug her mother, sniffing as she did so.
“I love you too mom.”
“Hey, what about me?” Kevin joked, and Nina couldn’t help but laugh, going to hug her father, still holding onto the rosary.
“I love you too dad.”
When Nina’s row was called, she hugged her parents again and walked off to board the plane, turning to smile back at them. She’ll make it. She’ll complete this semester and the next one after it. She’ll graduate and… well, she doesn’t know what she’ll do then, but she can figure it out along the way. She’ll make herself, her parents, and her neighborhood proud, all in that order.
Nina was so damn tired. She’s been in California for about a couple of weeks already and was back to her classes, and had gotten her cashier job at In-n-Out back. She was just taking a little break from her homework before having to go to work, i.e., she was half asleep.
The worst thing about dropping out in college is when you come back to it. The classmates who remember you, heard the story fourth hand, and even some of the professors. They all look, whispering to their friends and colleagues with their eyes. She’s the one who got a scholarship, came all the way here from across the country, and she flunked and dropped out. Of course, they don’t care to mention that she was working two jobs purely to pay her tuition, nor would most of them understand her struggles. These were the children of doctors, lawyers, television producers, and the people who worked in the technology industry. They don’t have to worry about their tuition, keeping their grades up, or have any jobs if they don't want to. It wasn’t fair that Nina would have to work twice as hard to be able to graduate vs some hard partying frat boy whose parents both attended and became millionaires.
Nina groaned as her arm brushed against her painfully sore breasts. She wasn’t sure why they were hurting, they just started hurting one day and that was that.
Nina sat up from her curled up position, grunting as her chest just felt so heavy, and threw off her T-shirt, tossing her bra with it. Yeah, they looked bad.
If there was any upside to this, her breasts looked larger than they usually were, but that was it. The veins of her breasts were more pronounced, and reddening. Her nipples were looking flat , and it looked like she was getting acne on her breasts. Great. Nina never considered herself to be very pretty, but she didn’t mind her breasts. She liked them a lot in fact. On time when she and Vanessa were getting dressed together to go swimming, Vanessa complimented her perky nipples and the shape of them. Benny made his liking of her breasts rather apparent in the bedroom. She was proud of her pretty breasts.
Nina grabbed a bottle of lotion and pumped some out on her hands before going to massage her breasts, feeling that the skin was puckered too. Nina groaned in mild pain and relief as she stroked them, trying to pinch her nipples back to existence to at least feel a bit normal. She watched intently as she stroked, touched, and pinched her nipples back to life, her clammy hands covered in cool white lotion, spreading that to the rest of her chest. Nina laid against her headboard and continued to massage her breasts, closing her eyes as she began to relax a bit.
She couldn’t help but think of Benny. Oh, she wished he was here with her right now. It’s not that she couldn’t handle being by herself, she just got lonely sometimes. They both called each other pretty often, and it was always great to just talk to him, rant to him about everything. In her darker moments however, she just wondered how long this would last until Benny found someone new. Someone who lived in the barrio, who would be everything he ever wanted and more. When she started to think like that, Nina would begin to do more homework, and if she had finished, she would just clean her living space until she was sure again for her and Benny’s love.
Nina let out a little breath, at this point, she was just playing with her nipples. That was how she liked to turn herself on before she would masturbate, or to do anything sexual really. She once heard from somewhere that you could orgasm from just nipple stimulation and maybe Nina would try that someday, but right now, she knew she didn’t have the time.
Nina dug one hand beneath her sweatpants, going to palm at her hairy pussy. Her breath hitched when she felt the cold lotion in such a sensitive place, but she began to rub one out anyways, letting out a little moan.
She decided to return to an old fantasy, one she would masturbate to over and over again. It came to her one night when she was walking out of the library and Benny was just around the corner. He offered to walk her home and she accepted. They reached her house and neither of her parents were home, they were working late, so she invited Benny inside and offered him some leftovers for dinner and to watch some TV. They were eating on the couch and Nina spilled some sauce on her thigh, and since that day she was wearing cut off shorts, her thigh was bare. Without even hesitation, Benny grabbed a napkin and cleaned up her thigh for her, sending shivers down her spine. Nothing else happened, Benny just thanked her and walked back to his apartment. Her parents came in later and never even suspected that he was here, but still. Her mind always went back to that moment when his hand was on her thigh, albeit, indirectly.
In her fantasy, he would begin to kiss her and feel her up, and she would let him, beg him too. He’d pull those shorts down and finger her, adding in more and more until he was essentially fisting her, right on the couch.
Nina arched her back, raising her hips to her ceiling, slipping her fingers into her pussy, letting out a strangled gasp as she thought more and more about him, panting with her eyes closed. Yes, he’d be all over her, touching every piece of skin that he wanted. His lips would be all over her neck and he’d be giving her hickies too, even though she had almost no way of hiding them! Just to let people know what they’ve done! And she liked that idea!
Nina let out a shaky moan and arched her back even further when she came before letting her body go limp and fall back to the bed. Nina herself wouldn’t even have suspected she would have sexual fantasies like this, but over the summer, Nina learned a lot about what she liked sexually. She liked the weirder sex positions, but her favorite was always riding. She liked anal sex, surprisingly, and she liked having whipped cream licked off of her body.
Nina checked the time and grunted, sitting back up. She better get ready to go to work by now. At least she got that one out of her system so she can focus on giving people the right amount of change and asking if they’d like their fries animal style. She’s definitely calling Benny later though.
The line was so far out the door it would’ve taken hours to go through, and the drive-thru was in no way better. It was so hot outside and in the restroom. When Nina first moved to California, she wasn’t ready for ninety or a hundred degree weather for weeks on end, but when she returned to New York, she was so accustomed to it, she wore full length jeans the entire time and barely felt uncomfortable.
Nina felt another wave of nausea and dizziness hit her and groaned. She didn’t know what it was or why her very own body suddenly decided to turn on her, but she did her best to smile. Talk to customers and be as polite as she could as she was internally dying on the inside because that’s what being a good employee is about.
“Hello ma’am, may I have the French Fries and a strawberry milkshake please?” Nina recognized her as a girl that went to her college, and knew she was one of the few other Latinas who attended, Mexican-American, but didn’t know anything about her beyond that. She wasn’t even five feet tall it appeared, but her figure was certainly… developed. Her hair was in a pixie cut and dyed bright pink, and the way she styled it almost made it look like there were little white blossoms sprouting from her hair. She still had some baby fat on her face, and her smile was so genuine. She was cute, sweet.
Nina suddenly felt like she was about to vomit. So she ran out of her station, covering her mouth before going to the nearest trash can to empty her insides, the smell of not only the vomit, made her feel dizzy. The color of the vomit was a putrid orange color, with chunks of food thrown in for flavor. Bile and snot dripped from out of her nose. She heard people gasping and groaning in disgust, but she couldn’t give any less of a shit about that. She felt someone pull her hair back and pat her back with their small, little hands.
“Oh sugar snaps!” It was the pink haired girl, which made sense, considering her hands. “I’ll go grab you some napkins!”
Nina glanced up at her, trying to ignore the other people who were looking at her in pure disgust. Pink’s white dress was so short that it would rival the shortness of Vanessa’s mini skirts, and that’s saying something. It was a halter top too, with a very low back. Nina was surprised that the girl didn’t manage to flash anyone in the restaurant.
The girl handed Nina the napkins and as Nina wiped herself, blowing her nose with a different napkin as Pink stayed put next to her, those big, bright hazel eyes of hers filled with worry.
“Thanks, I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s up with me today.” Nina muttered. “I just feel awful.”
“Maybe you should stay home then.”
“Maybe I should…” Nina glanced at the people around her. They were staring, staring right at her. It was enough to make her want to vomit again.
“Yeah, I think I will. Thanks…”
“I’m Corie.” The girl in white said. “You’re welcome Nina.”
Ah, at least her name tag was fine. “Well thank you Corie, I’ll get out of your way.” Nina walked her way to the manager’s office and explained what had happened, and he let her leave almost as soon as she said that she vomited. Nina changed back into her normal clothes in a bathroom stall, as she didn’t have a car or anyone to carpool with and she didn’t like walking around in her uniform. She left the In-n-Out, ignoring the whispers and stares of the people around her, backpack slung over her shoulder.
Was this some kind of food poisoning? She had no idea what she could’ve eaten that would make her feel like this. All she really had around the house were granola bars, cereal, and all the food she could use to cook like her mother. Or maybe it was a period thing? No, Nina never felt nauseous due to that. Perhaps it was just anxiety? Yeah, yeah…
Nina suddenly stopped, standing still with her eyes growing as wide as headlights.
She can’t remember the last time she had her period.
Nina covered her mouth with her hand again, but she couldn’t stop herself from hurling again, the chunks of half digested food and hot bitter bile spewing out between her fingers, landing on her shirt, jeans, and the concrete below her.
Nina slammed her door shut, carrying a plastic bag from the pharmacy she just visited. It carried a liter of water, Pepto-Bismol, and, the thing that was on Nina’s mind most of all, the two pregnancy tests, ready to be used.
But she needed to wait. She didn’t have to pee yet, so she needed to drink, and drink a lot. She grabbed the water she bought and popped open its cap, throwing her neck back to chug it, scrunching her face as she tasted the bile that still coated the inside of her mouth.
She pulled away the water and sucked in a breath. She should probably change her clothes. Yeah, that’s a good idea, the stench of vomit was still clinging to her clothes and they needed to get washed. As Nina walked into her room, she threw off her blue T-shirt and unclipped her bra, putting her shirt in her dirty clothes bin and tossing her bra on the bed. She then kicked off her shoes and did the same with her jeans, not bothering to pull them back so they wouldn’t be inside out. Nina was sweating, wearing nothing but mismatched ankle socks (the left one was plain white, the right one was aqua green with a giant gold dandelion on the front) and her plain white cheeky panties. She pulled open her drawer, a bit roughly, and pulled out a thin, white, spaghetti strap tank top and pulled it over herself, to preserve some modesty.
Nina was about to walk away when she heard something from her counter drop, and she turned whip fast to see what it was. It was the rosary her father gifted her. After a moment, she turned back to pick it up, taking it to the living room with her. Nina chugged some more water before going to hold onto the rosary to pray.
Problem, Nina never actually prayed with a rosary, she’s seen her mother, father, and some others from the barrio do so, but she’s never done it herself. So, Nina’s way of praying with the rosary was to hold it against her chest and say,
“Please God, please don’t let me be pregnant. Please no. I can’t have a baby now.”
Maybe it was wasn’t pregnancy, maybe it wasn’t. It could’ve been the stress, it could’ve been loads of other things! Benny used a condom every single time, and though she was aware that condoms can break and tear, the condoms that he wore always fit him. She was just doing this test to make sure. She even got two. Yeah. Nothing was wrong, she was just making sure.
Still, in spite of all of this, Nina spent the next hour chugging down water and praying relentlessly for her to not be with child, repeating the same phrase over and over again.
When Nina finally felt the slightest urge to piss, she grabbed the plastic bag and took it to her little bathroom, yanking out the two pregnancy tests and setting them on the counter. She pulled down her underwear and sat on her toilet, going to take the both of them out of their packaging.
She plucked one of them and spread her legs open, putting the test between them. After a few moments, she began to pee, occasionally feeling it hit her fingers before running down them and dripping off into the toilet. After she finished the first one, she grabbed the second and repeated her first action. She finished her piss and washed her hands. She stared at herself in the mirror, long and hard before she couldn’t stand to see her face any longer. She sat down and moved to lean back against the bathtub, feeling her breath leave her body.
She played with a piece of her hair, pulling her knees to her chest as she stared out into nothing, her head was empty, she was blowing out some air from her mouth on occasion. Her eyes were glazing over and her clothed toes were rubbing against the cold tiled floor of the bathroom.
After sitting for what felt like an eternity, she stood and walked to where she placed the tests, it felt like time slowed down for her at this moment. She never wanted to fail a test more than she did right now. She craned her neck to see her results.
She passed them both.
Nina sat on a bus, her little tote bag containing all the information she needed to bring with her for this visit. Insurance card, social security number, birth certificate, ID, etc, etc. She looked out the bus to see the sidewalks and streets of the city of Palo Alto. It was a Friday afternoon. People were probably planning on going to trendy bars to start their weekend, or to go to some over-priced restaurant or the movie theater or mall. But for Nina, she had a different concern.
She got off of her stop and thanked the bus driver before walking to the nearby Planned Parenthood, stopping for a moment to breathe before she resumed her walking.
Nina walked into the building and heard a bell ring to signify her entrance. She walked over to the receptionist and confirmed her scheduled visit, for just an ultrasound and to hear her options, and the receptionist told Nina to sit in the waiting room until her name would be called.
Nina went into the waiting room and sat down on the couch. She was alone, with nothing but a TV playing some movie from the 1980s she never saw, a radio playing the top one hundred hits, with gossip and lifestyle magazines strewn over the coffee table.
And she just sat there, still and unmoving. Of course she would blink and occasionally scratch her face, but other than that she was still as stone. Her breathing was calm and tempered, but her heart pounded so harshly and quickly, even though she knew that she wouldn’t be judged for any decision she made about this.
How long had she been pregnant? That was the one thing she wanted to know. When did her body turn into a human incubator against her will? Was it the night of the blackout or anytime after? In the end, it didn’t matter, and Nina knew that, but knowing would at least be nice. That’s all.
Nina perked up when her name was called and she walked in with a doctor to get an ultrasound reading. She laid on the cot and lifted her hoodie, allowing the doctor to clean it before getting it set up.
“Would you like to see the fetus?” She asked Nina.
“…No thank you.”
The doctor hummed and continued to set it up before checking on her computer, which Nina could not see.
“You look about nine or ten weeks along,” the nurse revealed, “the baby is developing fine so far, nothing looks wrong.”
Nina sucked in her breath. “What… What do I do if I don’t want the baby?”
“Well, there’s a lot of things you can do, hon. There’s adoption, foster care, you could get an abortion. It’s all up to you.”
“Is there like an abortion pill or anything?”
“Yes, but it only really works if the fetus is under ten weeks, but the suction abortion is available for up to twenty-four weeks.”
“…Alright.”
“If you need more time to think about it, you can dear. Just call us when you’ve made your decision, alright Ms. Rosario?” She pronounced her last name like “Rosa-Rio”.
This was the first time Nina has been to a church since her sophomore year in high school. It was Sunday, two days after her ultrasound and the eight o’clock mass. She managed to find a Catholic Church nearby so she decided to just go. See if God would have her answers or something. Her dress was blue and shapeless, hiding a nonexistent baby bump that at times, Nina thought that everyone could see. She brought her rosary with her, carrying it in her right hand while the other held her purse.
Nina did all the customs of the church, the greeting, standing when supposed to, kneeling when supposed to, but it felt like things just went in one ear and out the other for her. All she could think about was the fetus growing inside of her.
Let’s say, Nina did things the good girl Catholic way and went through with the pregnancy and gave birth while in college, well, she would probably have to drop out again for this baby. She could already see the disappointment on her parents' faces if she told them that she was having a baby. Her mother would weep for hours and her father would grab the biggest scissors he had and go hunting for Benny. Oh God, Benny.
She hasn’t even called him since she found out about the baby. If she had this baby, what would he do? Would he step up to be its father? If so, what would he lose? He’s been trying to start his own business and would this just… ruin that dream for him? Or just set him back for years to come? And what if he didn’t step up? Would she lose Benny? The love of her life?
The man she lost essentially all forms of virginity to?
Nina began to wonder if this devotion to Benny was in some part religious. Once again, Nina may not have been very religious, but the shadow of Catholic Guilt covered the streets of Washington Heights. According to Catholics, sex outside of marriage is wrong, but Nina thought that if she could marry the man she lost it too, it would all be fine. A deep part of Nina always assumed that it would all be fine. She and Benny would get married one day and they would have a ton of babies together and live together happily… just anywhere. The Barrio, somewhere in the Upper East Side, maybe even in this town, Palo Alto. The idea that it wouldn’t happen, that she and Benny wouldn’t work out and he falls for someone else while she’s studying every night, her stomach growing larger with his baby-
“Ma’am? Are you alright?”
Nina noticed the tears running down her face and turned the woman sitting next to her. She was middle aged, blonde hair starting to grow in gray, and she handed her a tissue. Her smile was patient, but Nina felt like screaming.
She wore a little pin on button to her all black outfit. In the middle of it was a drawing of the outline of a fetus along with the words “My life is my choice” surrounding it.
“I need to go.” And that was all Nina said before standing up and speed walking out of the church mid-service, crying with her head hanging low. When she was outside, she glanced at the rosary and threw it onto the grass.
Nina sat across from a counselor at the Planned Parenthood, and she was hearing all of her options again. And the side effects of said options.
“Getting an abortion is never easy, but if it feels right for you, we’re going to help you in every step of the way.”
“Would it hurt…?” Nina’s eyes wandered to the walls and all the signs and photographs. Just a bunch of them reading “Live, Laugh, Love” or there were photos of this woman’s children, it looked like.
“All people would have a different reaction to a suction abortion. Sometimes it can hurt, but it could just feel mildly uncomfortable as well.”
Nina nodded. She knew that this was the best option to take for herself. She can finish college, graduate, and her relationship with Benny wouldn’t be strained from that. But still… she felt that twinge of self doubt and guilt. What if it hurts? What if everyone finds out about it anyways?
What if she makes the wrong choice?
But Nina wasn’t going to listen to that. It was going to be hard, yes, but she knew that the best way to ensure her future was to take the choice, rather than have the child and live in poverty trying to provide for them.
“I’m gonna have an abortion.” Nina said, telling herself that in part.
“Okay, so here’s the prices for the abortion and you’re about ten weeks, right?”
“Yes I am.” Nina’s breath was taken out of her mouth when she saw the prices.
Five hundred and sixty dollars for an abortion.
Five hundred and sixty dollars for an abortion.
Five hundred and sixty dollars for an abortion?!
Nina’s breath left her lungs as she thought of the price, over and over, those numbers appeared in her head. How could she afford it?! If she got help with her insurance her parents would figure it out because they all had an insurance plan together so the only way to go was to pay the money upfront. But it would takes weeks of working to save up, not to mention that the price would jump up if she got an abortion after twelve weeks.
Nina reached for her phone, getting into her contacts, she started right down at Benny’s name. She held her breath and continued to scroll down and call an old friend.
“Hey Nina!” Vanessa said, sounding a bit out of breath.
“Hi Vanessa.” It’s been a while since she’s talked to Vanessa, so she decided to wait to drop the bomb. “What are you doing right now?”
“Oh, well, I literally just had sex. Usnavi’s in the shower right now.”
“Oh?” Nina couldn’t help but chuckle at Vanessa’s candor. “Make sure he doesn’t hog up all the hot water.”
“You know I wouldn’t.” Nina heard the sound of Vanessa stretching out on the bed, along with a bit of a grunt. “He’s a good guest, you know. He loves it when I sit on his face. So, how’s it like back there? Are you doing good?”
Well, better to say it now than later.
“Actually… don’t let it slip to anybody, but I’m pregnant. Ten weeks.”
“Wait what?” Nina heard the disbelief in Vanessa’s voice.
“Yeah… surprise.” Nina’s own voice was deflated.
“Does Benny know?”
“No, you’re the first person I’m really talking to about this.”
“Oh… well, what are you gonna do about it?”
“I’m gonna get an abortion, but fuck Vanessa, they’re so expensive!” Nina hated her when she said those words she sounded five years younger than her actual age.
“Get Benny to pay for half then,” the tone of her friend’s voice sounded wise, “he knocked you up!”
“But what if-”
“Nina, you’re not gonna give me any of this what if crap, okay? I know you love him and that you loved him since forever, but you don’t owe him shit. Okay?” Vanessa’s voice was sharp and authoritative, so much so that it made Nina straighten up her back without a second thought.
“And the Benny I know would do anything to help you.” Vanessa continued. “And I mean anything. After all, you did give your butt virginity to him.” Vanessa laughed at their little inside joke, but Nina only sighed.
“Please don’t do this right now.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. But you know what I mean, okay? Just call him, tell him everything, and if he doesn’t listen to you, call me so I can beat his ass.”
Nina laughed. “I don’t think you can beat his ass.”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
Nina smiled and took a breath. “Well, okay Vanessa. I’ll call him and see what he’ll do. I love you.”
“Love you too Nina. Good luck.” And just like that, Vanessa hung up.
Nina sighed and instead of calling Benny, laid down, going to lift her hoodie to rub her stomach. Nina didn’t have a perfectly flat stomach or toned abs like Vanessa, but she was thin. She imagined what it would be like if she just let the baby grow inside of her, her stomach would grow larger, and she was scared of that. How big would it become? How would her peers look at her, with her giant stomach and no boyfriend in sight? Nina couldn’t have this baby right now and she can’t do this alone.
She let out a breath before picking up her phone once more, praying that it would work before calling Benny. She hasn’t called him since last week, before she even knew about her pregnancy.
“Nina!” Benny’s voice was bright and joyful, it made Nina swallow. “How’s it going baby?”
“Benny, I have to say something important.”
“Yeah?” His voice softened, but it was still full of love and kindness. “What is it?”
“I’m ten weeks pregnant Benny.”
The line on the other end went silent and for a moment Nina was afraid that he hung up.
“Nina-”
“It’s yours and I need you to help me.” Nina blinked the tears from her eyes. “It’s so expensive to get an abortion and I just don’t have enough money. I just want you to pay half, two hundred and eighty dollars, and I’ll get the rest of it. Okay?”
Nina heard shuffling on the other line and heard a lighter over the phone. Benny smoked occasionally and while she wouldn’t do that, she occasionally fantasized about being kissed with his mouth full of smoke. He would hold her close and push the smoke into her mouth, filling her lungs with either nicotine or THC.
“I’ll send you four hundred and eighty, I just got a promotion and I-”
“Benny! You don’t need to send over so much, I can manage to pay for half, I really can-”
“Nina, please let me finish. I can’t fly over there to be with you during this no matter how much I want to. Just let me send you some extra cash for now, okay? I get it. You can’t have a baby right now and neither can I.”
“I’m sorry.” Nina sniffed.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about, baby.” Benny’s voice was still so gentle and soothing. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”
Nina couldn’t help but begin to cry. “I wish you were here Benny.”
“I wish I was too.” His voice was beginning to sound shaky. “Look, give me your bank info and I’ll deposit you the cash tomorrow. Then, as soon as I have the cash, I’ll fly down and we can have an entire week together. Even during your classes and work, I’ll be there for you.”
Nina wiped her eyes on her sleeve and nodded, even though Benny wouldn’t have seen this.
“Okay, okay… you’re a gift Benny.”
“I’m just treating you the right way baby.” Benny told her. “Do you need anything else?”
“…Can we just talk? Please?”
“Yeah… how are your classes going?”
“It’s going good so far…”
And for the rest of the night they talked to each other about their lives, friends, work, and school until they both fell asleep, still on the line with each other. And despite being an entire country apart, Nina felt like the entire time that Benny was right by her side.
One week later, Nina walked back to Planned Parenthood, debit card filled with the money she needed. Tomorrow she had her classes, and she wouldn’t be skipping them, and she had work of course. There was no day but today for this.
Nina swallowed the anxiety down and walked in. Confirmed her appointment. Paid with debit. She sat in the waiting room, fidgeting a bit.
She almost jumped when her phone rang. Huh, she already told Benny she was here, maybe he just wanted to ask if she was okay.
She pressed answer before reading the name of who was calling and felt her heart nearly stop.
Dad.
Crap, it’s not like she could just hang up on him.
“Hey dad…”
“Nina.” Her father’s voice was warm. “How are you today?”
“Good, good… I’m studying right now.”
“That’s good Nina, you only have one job, right?”
“Y-Yeah. I’m a cashier for In-n-Out burger. It’s pretty crowded though.” Nina took in a breath. “The money you used from selling Rosario’s really did help me… thank you.”
Kevin hummed through the phone, and Nina could almost see his smile. “Well of course, I’d do anything for you, mi estrella.”
“Dad…”
“No, no, Nina, you humble yourself too much. I’m just so proud of you and where you are in your life. You’re destined for greatness, okay?”
Nina sniffed and wiped her eyes. “Dad, please…” she glanced around at the waiting room, taking it all in. “I…”
“Don’t you cry about anything. Okay? I love you so much Nina. I just needed to check on you real quick.”
“I love you too dad.” Nina glanced at a doctor who walked out to the waiting room, patiently waiting. “I-I have to go, talk to you later.”
“I’ll talk to you soon Nina.” He hung up.
Nina took in a shaky breath and nodded at the doctor, standing up to meet her. If anything, this phone encouraged her more than anything. She needed to make her family proud, she can’t disappoint them a second time. She’ll get through this abortion and get through Stanford.
She shook the doctor’s hand and greeted her before the doctor led her to a room down the hall, before closing the door behind her.
About an hour and a half later, Nina walked out of the building, holding a bag that contained some medication. The abortion was a success, it didn’t even take ten minutes. Most of her time was spent signing papers and laying down in the recovery room with a couple of other people with her.
She felt… strange. On the one hand, Nina knew she ultimately made the right choice and that she would never regret this choice, and she was relieved. But on the other hand… she felt really bummed. Everyone told her that melancholia would likely affect her after this, but the actual, physical pain she felt in her chest was too much to bare.
Nina looked out at the streets and sidewalks. People walked and made their way, and she was a part of them. She sucked in a breath and breathed out slowly. It was weird, yes. But she would be fine.
She always turned out to be.