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looking up from his book, taeyang reached out to grab his phone to check if there was a new message, for the nth time in a really short period of time, almost on autopilot. taeyang huffed when all he saw was just a blank lock screen, a photo of him and keeho curled up in a too-small armchair, their limbs all tangled up in one big pretzel, a courtesy of jiung. putting the phone back down, he just stared at the cover of his book, too unfocused to try and go back to work again.
“still nothing?” chaeeun’s voice snapped him back to reality.
shaking his head, he lifted his head so he could look at her, seeing the worry in her eyes.
they were sitting at one of the smaller tables in their school library, trying to study before their exams started. taeyang had his first final exam of this semester in less than a week but felt like his sanity was already leaving him. and judging by the stiff atmosphere of the school library, he was not the only one. the nerve-wracking silence hovering over the whole campus. the terrifying calm before the storm. no matter how many times they’ve been through the exam period, it was always just as nerve-wracking as the first time.
but his quickly approaching exam was not what was stressing him the most at that moment.
he was supposed to be studying with keeho but there was an absolute radio silence coming from the boy. it started around lunch when the younger boy stopped replying to his messages. at first, he didn't think much of it. it was tuesday and he knew that keeho usually spent the day locked in his studio, developing his photos or working on the editing. keeho could spend hours and hours there without checking his phone, immersed in his work. so for a few hours, taeyang didn't think much about the unread messages, having his own classes to attend. plus he was supposed to meet keeho at their school library after their classes ended to study for a bit.
he tried to calm himself down, knowing he was probably overthinking. it’s happened a few times already, keeho forgetting to charge his phone over the night or losing a track of time while working on his projects. he’s been like this since taeyang knew him. there was no reason to think that this time it was different. he was probably going to show up in the library with his phone dead, apologising to taeyang for not replying to his messages and making him worried.
but as time passed by, he started to get worried. when he finally got out of his class and walked to the library, he found only chaeeun there, his boyfriend nowhere to be seen. and that was weird. even with keeho being chaotic and all over the place, he was usually always on time.
immediately, chaeeun noticed that something was wrong, her sharp eyes not missing the way taeyang was fidgeting with his fingers, looking around the room and checking his phone all the time.
they’ve been sitting in the library for about half an hour and taeyang was getting increasingly more nervous. If somebody would ask him what he was reading during that time, he would have no idea.
“maybe try to call jiung? maybe he knows something?” chaeeun said, offering an encouraging smile. but taeyang could clearly see that she was also nervous, which was understandable as keeho was one of her closest friends. taeyang was glad she was there with him, keeping him sane.
“uh-huh…yeah. okay.” he quickly found jiung’s contact, dialling the number before he could overthink that.
“yangie? ” jiung's voice came through the speakers immediately.
“hey, ji. are you in the dorm now?”
“yeah. why?”
“is keeho there with you?” taeyang held his breath, anxious to hear jiung’s answer.
“no.” jiung said, pausing for a bit. “wasn't he supposed to be studying with you in the library?”
“yeah but he’s not here.” taeyang could feel the panic inside him grow bigger and bigger. “he’s not answering my messages and all calls go straight into voicemail.”
“oh…yeah. i’ve not heard from him since around lunch but i thought he just locked himself in his studio again.”
“that's what i thought too but he’s never been there for so long. and if his phone is dead he would make sure to be here on time.”
“ oh….shit .” taeyang could hear some rustling from the other side, jiung probably moving around the room. “what’s the day today? tuesday right? uh-huh. he was in the studio most of the day and then had a class in a207? i think it’s a big lecture hall?”
“yeah, i know where it is. i’ll go there. can you maybe call the kids if they know something?”
“sure. i’ll let you know.”
“thank you. bye.”
“bye.”
taeyang locked his phone, letting his phone fall on the desk table with a loud thud, groaning.
“so?” chaeeun asked, leaning closer.
“i’ll go to the art building to see if he’s there.” he was already putting his things into his bag.
“okay. do you want me to go with you?” she was also standing up, ready to leave the library.
“no, it’s okay. i’ll text you.”
“okay. good luck.” she squeezed his shoulder as he walked past her, a silent encouragement. with a tight smile, he squeezed her hand back, walking out from the library.
the art building was close enough, the walk there taking him only a few minutes. he skipped over the stairs and ran into the building looking around to orient himself. taeyang had been there a few times already to pick up keeho from his classes, knowing where the main halls and keeho’s studio were. as it was late in the evening the building was mostly empty, his rushed steps echoing in the lifeless hallways.
unsurprisingly, the lecture hall was already locked, the last class ending more than an hour ago. he quickly ran up the staircase to the first floor where the studios for photography students were located. turning left and right, navigating through the corridors, he tried to find the studio he knew keeho usually used. he was met with absolute silence.
“keeho?” he shout-whispered, his loud voice bouncing off the walls, making him cringe. “keeho?” he tried again but without any answer.
the silence was interrupted by a creaking of a door at the end of the hallway. taeyang held his breath, hoping. but his hopes were crushed again when the person who walked out of the room was not keeho. the boy who walked out of the room could be the same age as taeyang, his doe-like eyes wide, staring at taeyang, still holding the doorknob. taeyang was pretty sure he saw the boy somewhere.
“what’s wrong?” it was not a wide-eyed boy who spoke up, but somebody, who was still in the room.
the boy stepped aside and another person appeared, a taller boy with his hair slightly curled. and taeyang knew who this boy was immediately, making it easier for him to put a name on the other boy’s face.
“yongseung?” he called, quickening his steps.
“taeyang? what are you doing here?” yongseong asked, putting a hand around the other boy - yeonho, his brain helpfully supplied.
“did you see keeho?” taeyang said, trying to catch his breath, his lungs not working properly.
“not since our last class, no. but i think he wanted to go to the library after?”
“yeah, we were supposed to meet up there but he didn't show up. i can't reach him.” taeyang curled his hands around his middle, the anxiety rising. he had no idea where to look next. “he’s not answering his phone.”
“well, his usual studio is right here maybe-”
“keeho is the one who had blue hair recently?” they both looked at yeonho, nodding. “i think i saw him when i got there. now, thinking about it, he looked kinda pale. i don't think he registered i was greeting him.”
“where did he go?” taeyang asked, wanting to shake with yeonho to get the answer from him quicker.
“restroom? the one at the end of the hallway. near the darkroom.”
“thank you,” taeyang started to run in that direction, thanking the boy over his shoulder.
his mind was clouded. he was able to focus only on one thing, getting into the restroom as fast as possible. all he could hear was his erratic heartbeat, the blood pulsing in his ears.
the door of the restroom was ajar when he finally ran up to them after what felt like hours and hours of running. slowing down, he reached out for the doorknob so could open the door to walk in.
his hand froze in the air when he heard a broken whimper coming from the room. for a second, taeyang couldn't move, frozen on the spot. then he heard another muffled whimper, louder this time. that made his brain work again and he pushed the door open enough to slip inside. his heart shattered at a million little pieces when his eyes landed on the person inside the room.
keeho was sitting on the ground, tucked in one of the corners under the sinks, hands hugging his legs and head hidden between his knees. taeyang could see him shaking even from a distance, trying to breathe but failing.
“keeho?” he whispered as he was slowly approaching the boy, not wanting to scare him. keeho’s whole body tensed up, only his heavy breathing could be heard in the room.
“keeho, it’s me,” taeyang repeated, kneeling next to keeho as he walked up to him.
taeyang had no idea what to do. he had no idea how to help the boy. keeho was pressed in the corner, terrified, struggling to breathe and all taeyang could do was stare in horror. he had never seen keeho like this, never thought he would see him like this. he had no idea what happened, why he was sitting on the bathroom floor, struggling to just breathe. he knew keeho got nervous easily, panicking because of things other people would just step over. he was a perfectionist and the idea of things not going as he planned could overwhelm him easily. but never like this.
taking a deep breath, taeyang leaned closer to the boy but making sure he didn't touch him yet, not knowing how keeho would react to the sudden contact.
“keeho,” he tried again, keeping his voice soft. “can i touch you?” a pause. taeyang held his breath, waiting. then, keeho nodded, his movement jerky, barely noticeable. “okay. i’m going to put my hand on your knee, okay?” after another nod from the younger boy, taeyang reached out with his hand, placing his palm on keeho's right knee. under his touch, he could feel keeho freeze, the boy trying not to move his legs away from him, his fingers gripping the fabric of his pants tightly, making his knuckles turn while. another loud sob escaped his lips, the boy shaking.
“it’s okay. it’s okay,” taeyang hummed as he felt keeho relaxed under his palm. “i’m going to take your hand and put it on my chest, okay?” again, he waited for keeho to nod in approval before he moved, gently prying keeho’s fingers away from the fabric, placing his palm against his chest. he had no idea what he was doing but he knew he needed to calm keeho down, to make him breathe normally again. “i need you to take a deep breath, okay?” he took a deep breath, watching keeho’s hand rise as he inhaled. “just followed my lead. it’s going to be okay.”
keeho tightened his fingers on the fabric of taeyang’s shirt, taking a shallow breath, coughing right after, his whole body trembling.
“inhale… exhale… inhale…” taeyang repeated, trying to calm his erratic heart, keeping his breathing under control so he could help keeho. he felt like crying, he felt like curling into a small ball right next to keeho. but he could do that. he needed to keep it together. “just like that. you’re doing great.”
slowly, so slowly, keeho calmed down, his now regular breathing being interrupted by quiet sobbing. not to startle the boy, even more, taeyang moved his hand from keeho’s knee to his shoulder, getting closer to the boy.
“that’s it. can i get closer? are you okay with me hugging you?” he asked, hoping that keeho was feeling good enough to let him get closer. hesitantly, keeho nodded again, tugging at the fabric of taeyang’s shirt he was still gripping tightly. “okay. thank you.”
not making any sudden movement, taeyang sat down next to keeho on the floor, wrapping both of his arms around him loosely, waiting for keeho’s reaction. the younger boy let his body lean into taeyang, curling his body closer, his head falling on taeyang’s chest, his face hidden. he could feel keeho’s hot tears soaking into his shirt.
hugging him closer, taeyang put one hand at the back of keeho’s head, scratching his scalp lightly, hoping it would calm the boy down. judging by the way keeho was breathing, it did help a bit. a whimper escaped his mouth once in a while but sobs were rippling through his body, choking him with its force.
taeyang had no idea how long they stayed like that, sitting on the floor, keeho half atop taeyang, clinging to him as if his life depended on it. all taeyang could do was to hold him, to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, not letting him go.
a quiet knocking on the door made him snap his head up, tightening his hands around the boy.
“taeyang?” he heard as a head appeared, yeonho peeking into the room, looking unsure.
“yeah?” taeyang answered just as quietly, moving his body a little so he was shielding keeho even just a little bit.
“is he… is he okay?” yeonho said, making a face right after. taeyang just hummed noncommittally, not really knowing what to say. they both knew keeho wasn’t okay anyway. “is there something i can help you with?” yeonho continued after a moment of silence.
“i… do you have jiung’s number?” taeyang asked, not wanting to move so he could take his phone from his pocket. yeonho’s head disappeared for a moment, only his fingers gripping the door frame visible.
“yes.” yeonho nodded as he appeared again.
“okay. can you please call jiung to come here as soon as possible?” taeyang said, trying to figure out how to get keeho back to his dorm room. keeho was not able to walk on his own for sure and taeyang wasn't sure he was strong enough to help him by himself. he knew he could always ask yongseung and yeonho for help but he didn't want to inconvenience them even more. “oh… and tell jiung to take keeho’s things from his studio on his way here.”
“will do,” yeonho smiled at him and disappeared again, closing the door behind him.
taeyang looked down again, kissing the crown of keeho’s head, staying there for a moment. just taking deep breaths to gather his thoughts.
“yangie?” keeho whispered, his voice sounded hoarse and taeyang was sure that just trying to say the one word had to hurt so much. he didn't lift his head, face still buried in the fabric of taeyang’s shirt.
“hmm?” taeyang took keeho’s face into his hand, gently rubbing his thumb against keeho’s wet cheeks.
“i’m so sorry. i-” he was interrupted by an aggressive cough that made him whimper, curling even closer. “i’m so sorry.” he chanted over and over again, tugging at taeyang shirt as if he was trying to hide in the fabric.
“hey, hey. keeho, sweetheart.” taeyang tried to pull away a bit so he could look into keeho’s face, but the boy whined, his body freezing, not letting taeyang get away from him. so instead, he hugged keeho tighter, planting kisses everywhere he could reach, on the top of his head, on his cheek, on his neck. “there’s nothing to be sorry for. it’s okay. yes, it is.” keeho was shaking his head as if he was trying to block taeyang’s voice out. “it’s okay. it’s okay now.”
taeyang had no idea how long he was sitting there, just repeating the same thing over and over again, hoping that keeho would eventually believe him.
“taeyang?” he heard a voice coming from the direction of the door, head peeking into the room. taeyang could see jiung’s wide eyes staring down at them, a worry evident in his eyes.
“hi,” taeyang smiled at jiung, knowing that it probably looked more like a grimace. “do you have keeho’s things?” jiung nodded as he slowly walked into the room.
“keeho? baby?” he waited for the boy to acknowledge him before he continued, his fingers tangled in keeho’s hair. “jiung is here. let’s get you home okay?”
for a moment, keeho didn't move but then, he nodded, his chin digging into taeyang’s chest.
“okay,” taeyang breathed out, relieved. “okay. jiung will help you stand up. is that okay?” another unnoticeable nod.
taeyang looked at jiung who walked towards them, crouching next to keeho. “hey, keeho.” jiung said, announcing his presence to keeho before he touched him. slowly, they managed to get up, keeho’s limp body between them.
♡
“you sure? you don't have to leave.” taeyang was looking at jiung who was quickly packing his things, looking around his dorm room, a tote bag in one hand and his power bank, tangled earphones and keys in the other.
“yeah. i’ll just stay at tak’s.” jiung answered, already putting on his shoes. “just- just take care of him, okay?”
“okay.” taeyang said, both of them looking at keeho’s lifeless boy on the bed, the boy passing out the moment when they arrived. he had to be exhausted, his body shaking during the short walk to their dorm building.
with a small wave, jiung left the room, closing the door behind him, leaving taeyang alone with the younger boy.
he didn't want to wake him up, but he was sure the boy hadn’t eaten or drank properly for hours and he had to be sure he was okay, or as okay as somebody who just had such an intense panic attack could be.
he found some snacks in jiung’s drawer and put the kettle on. wanting to make them some tea, writing to yeonho that they got safely home in the meantime, not wanting the boys to be worried.
“keeho? baby, wake up,” he whispered, gently shaking keeho’s shoulders, trying to wake the boy up without scaring him. it took some time but slowly, keeho woke up, disoriented, looking around the room.
“yangie?” he mumbled, his voice barely audible.
“hey,” taeyang said, sitting on the floor right next to the bed so he was at the same level as keeho. “how are you feeling?”
“tired? my head hurts…” he closed his eyes again and taeyang was afraid he fell asleep again. “what happened?”
“you… uh-huh.” taeyang put a hand on top of keeho’s head, tangling his fingers in his hair. “we were supposed to meet in the library but you didn't show up. so… so i decided to look for you and i found you-”
“oh my god. i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry you had to see it. i-” keeho tried to sit up, pushing against taeyang’s hand, but the older boy was quicker, moving so he was sitting on the bed, his hands on keeho’s shoulders, stopping the boy from running away and probably collapsing right after.
“keeho, please.” he looked at the boy, seeing his eyes filling with tears again. “please, tell me what happened.”
keeho shook his head from side to side, looking down. “you were not supposed to see it. i’m-”
“don't even think about saying that you’re sorry again.” taeyang huffed, sitting right next to keeho. “there is nothing you should be sorry for.”
he watched the tears escaping keeho’s eyes, one by one rolling down his cheeks and onto his neck, the boy trying to hold the sobs from escaping his lips but failing.
“it’s okay,” taeyang said as keeho’s body collapsed against his chest, his hands curling protectively around the younger boy. “it’s okay.”
he carefully moved them so he was sitting with his back against the wall, keeho half atop of him, curled in his lap, head hidden in the crook of his neck. to calm him down, taeyang played with his hair, scratching his scalp gently, keeho’s body relaxing little by little in his hold.
“here, you need to drink,” taeyang said after keeho calmed down enough, reaching for the cup of tea he put on the bedside table before he woke keeho up. with a grunt, keeho pushed himself up and took the cup, his hands shaking a little.
“do you want to talk about it?” he asked when keeho put the cup back down, his face hidden in the crook of his neck again.
“i… i just,” keeho whispered, “it was all too much, i guess.” fresh tears were soaking into taeyang’s shirt, the sensation making him shiver. he hummed, letting keeho sort out his thoughts to see if he wanted to say something more.
“we had to submit the project and… i don't know. what if it’s not good enough? what if they decide i’m not good enough?” keeho continued, his voice wavering.
“it’s good enough. i saw you work on it and i might know nothing about photography but even i could see that you put your best into it.“
“but what if-”
“no what ifs, baby. you are amazing and everybody can see that!” he lifted keeho’s head by his chin and kissed his cheek, smiling at the boy.
just seeing keeho’s face, he could feel his heart shattered into a million pieces. the younger boy looked exhausted, his red eyes filled with tears, bottom lip raw as he was nibbling at it, breaking the skin.
“i… i’m sorry.” keeho said again, trying to look down but taeyang was still holding his face between his gentle fingers.
“oh baby. there is nothing to be sorry for,” taeyang was going to repeat himself till keeho would believe him no matter how long it would take.
keeho shook his head vehemently, tears rolling down his face. “you shouldn’t have seen that. you-”
“keeho…” he took a deep breath, trying to find the correct words. “i understand that but you need to trust on this. i’m here for you, whenever you need me. even if you don't feel good, when all you want is to scream or just disappear. i cant take the pain away from you but i can be there for you, to hold you. please keeho, you can always come to me when you feel like it’s too much.”
taeyang felt like crying. there was no way he could help keeho if the younger boy didn't let him.
“i… okay,” keeho said after a moment of silence, sounding broken, as if he didn't want to let himself believe. “i was having these attacks pretty regularly when i was younger but it got better as i got older. well, i don't know if it got better or i just learned how to work with it, to see the signs and calm myself down before it could get bad. but since coming to korea, it never got so bad, i was always able to stop it, to distract myself. today… it just happened all at once and… i’m so sorry for making you worry, all of you.”
“hmm, it’s all good. but promise me that next time you don't feel well, you’ll tell me. no matter the reason. please, tell me. i-” taeyang’s voice finally broke, all the pressure too much for him. “i was so worried. i- i had no idea what happened…” he was crying, his tears falling on the top of keeho’s head, soaking into his hair. he felt keeho’s arms curling around his waist, hugging him tightly, muttering another apology.
“.... i promise,” keeho pulled himself up, placing a soft kiss on taeyang’s lips. taeyang could taste the tears on his trembling lips.
he took keeho’s face between his palms, kissing off all the remaining tears, his thumbs tracing the line of keeho’s jaw. “thank you,” he mumbled between the kisses.
he knew that this would not solve anything. keeho’s attacks would not just magically disappeared just because taeyang would be there with him. he knew that too well. all he could hope for was for keeho to trust him, to let him help when he felt like he was drowning.
holding keeho in his arms, the boy slowly falling asleep again, he knew that they were going to be okay, that keeho was going to be okay.