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Karolina's sure she's about to die.
She’s always struggled with anxiety all through her college years, though it’d reached its peak in her finals week, during which she was so sleep deprived – almost 72 hours straight awake – and so dehydrated that she ended up passing out right outside her dorm room, where her roommate picked her up and took her straight to the hospital.
Never in her life could she even fathom how bad it was all gonna get once she’d stepped foot inside Waystar Royco.
If she’d ever felt relief after finishing her exams, being able to finally relax after martyring herself for a full semester, that was a luxury that she left on the sidewalk of the company's building. Even though she’d gotten old enough not to bear staying awake for days on end – she was in her mid to late twenties when she’d been hired full time –, there was never a release of tension, never was there a time where Karolina would be able to stretch or yawn or lazily blink in front of her screen to pretend she was getting any rest for her eyes, not when there were constantly people around her anticipating when she’d trip on her own feet.
You’d think taking up an affair with one of the firm’s highest graded executives would serve as a scape-valve for the stress intrinsic to the job of managing the image of a company so politically compromised as Waystar, that mixing business with pleasure would have its advantages.
You’d be wrong.
Gerri didn’t so much as look at Karolina until she chopped her hair and dyed it back to brunette. Until then, their relationship barely even existed – on Gerri’s part, that is. For Karolina, though, Gerri was a sight for sore eyes from her very first day as an intern. She might not have been able to shake Karolina from her immobilizing fear of fucking up her job, but getting to look at a beautiful woman, old enough to be her mother, who could fire her at any time, was, at least, something sweet to look forward to every day.
As soon as Karolina’s crush stopped being one-sided, everything went downhill pretty quickly – one day, after a particularly tense meeting that left her with a throbbing migraine, Gerri had discreetly asked her to stay seated in her office, for there was something she’d wanted to discuss with her, or whatever excuse she’d made up, Karolina couldn’t possibly remember, her brain had stopped functioning after Gerri had addressed her directly for the first time.
“You did good today,” she’d said, barely glancing at her. “You’re good at your job, aren’t you?” Karolina had recognized Gerri’s tone. She’d been talked to like that by many a tailored suit in her incipient years in the company, never by someone in a sharp pencil skirt, never by someone who accompanied her in her dreams most nights.
Gerri, the most gorgeous woman Karolina had ever seen, of course, held her on the palm of her hand, the looming feeling of possibly being crushed by her grip at any given moment both heady and horrifying. Gerri, intoxicatingly charming and charismatic when she wished to be, managed to ruin Karolina for anyone else.
Granted, that same day Karolina found herself bent over a corporate bathroom sink, her mouth and her cunt wrapped around Gerri's fingers, filling her so full, reaching all the way to the knot of dread-slash-desire perpetually settled at the bottom of her stomach since the first time she's laid eyes on the blonde, unknotting and knotting it all over again, as she held onto the porcelain and tried to keep quiet through the absurdity of it all.
Today, though, she's not sure if Gerri will be a balm for her sanity or a catalyst for yet another panic attack.
During the piss-mad shit show at the shareholder meeting, Karolina couldn't help her eyes from following the newly crowned C.E.O. everywhere. Her furrowed brow, her defeated expression after Shiv landed – or rather, bombed – the deal with Sandi. She desperately wanted to hold Gerri's hand and kiss her frown until it at least turned into her signature closed-lip smile – and at most, into an open-mouth laugh Karolina has only gotten to see four times. Not that she's counting. (She absolutely is.)
After watching Gerri on that TV screen, by herself in that godforsaken room, replete with people she despised, bearing the brunt of the embarrassment for the nonsensical image of the company as the head of PR, Karolina felt the first tell-tale signs of an anxious episode. Her heart was going a hundred miles per hour. Her bottom eyelid started spasming. It was getting harder and harder to disguise the tremor in her hands. Usually she had at her disposal some coping techniques she's worked out with her therapist over the years – breath control, naming five things she sees, four things she can touch etc. etc. —, but Gerri looked so small alone on that stage, so unfairly manipulated by this clan of blood-sucking heirs, so obscenely underused and disrespected, that none of the strategies she had at hand were working. No use naming four things she could touch when none of them were Gerri's skin.
Once she finally got off the stage and stomped back to the room, Karolina felt the panic attack hit her in full force, as if Gerri's own resentment crammed its human-sized hands through her torax, took both of her lungs and squeezed.
Luckily enough, the siblings were too distracted by quarreling amongst themselves and Logan was so out of it he made up an invisible cat, so Karolina's french exit to the bathroom went thankfully unnoticed.
That's how she finds herself pathetically sitting on the floor of the last cabin of the women's restroom, arms tightly enveloping her legs, head buried between them, breathing like she's just finished running a marathon, her heart breaking for her weakness and for Gerri's sake, tears flowing on their own accord.
She hears the door opening. Then, the sound of sensible two-inch heels rapidly approaching the cabin she's hiding in. Her heart thumps impossibly stronger.
"Lina?"
Karolina wants to cry at how soft she sounds, despite having spent an entire day being treated with anything but softness. She unlocks the door and lets her in, and Gerri immediately kneels down in front of her. An untrained eye might glance at her face and assume that she looks as put together as any other day, but Karolina has devoted so much of her days to memorizing every aspect of Gerri that she knows with unwavering confidence that the woman has also been crying.
"Oh, my darling," Gerri pulls Karolina into her arms, "Everything is fine, see? I'm okay, we're okay. Breathe with me, one, two…"
They stay like that for what feels like hours, Karolina inhaling and exhaling at the cadence set by her boss, whose warm hands rub endless circles on her back. Eventually they manage to recompose themselves enough to leave the bathroom, Gerri's arm linked to Karolina's until they reach the car, guiding her through the insistent wobble of her legs. Gerri urges her to lay her head on her lap and runs her fingers through Karolina's hair, massaging her scalp and occasionally dropping kisses on her forehead and nose. She's never been this tender before, but then again, Karolina has never completely turned into shambles in front of her like that. All of her meltdowns had previously been limited to the confines of her own apartment.
When they get to Gerri's, Karolina's anxiety is replaced by the restlessness she often feels whenever they are about to have sex.
"You really scared me out there," Gerri says as she tentatively takes off Karolina's blazer, "You should have told me you weren't okay."
"To say that you had bigger fish to fry would be an understatement," Karolina replies, letting herself be taken to the bedroom. "No, Lina, I'm fucking serious," she stops by the door and grabs Karolina by her chin, forcing their eyes to meet. "Next time, you gotta let me know. I can't bear thinking that you almost drove yourself mad all alone in that bathroom. I can't do my job properly if I'm not sure you're fine." Her tone is demanding and earnest, and the press of her fingers on Karolina's skin makes her shiver. "Tell me you understand. Promise you won't keep things from me again."
"I won't," she complies.
"You won't what?" Gerri insists.
"I won't keep things from you anymore."
"Good girl," she purrs as she finally locks her lips with Karolina's, sighing contentedly.
Being with Gerri is overwhelming in the best sense possible. They usually tread the thin line of Karolina's boundaries, but this time she's letting her set the pace, worried not to upset her lover's recovering sensitive state. They lay together on her king-sized bed, clothes discarded, legs intertwined, lips and hands everywhere. It's remarkable how swiftly Gerri was able to bring her from the lowest of lows up to this heavenly nest, occupied only by the two of them, inaccessible to outside worries, unreachable to corporate fuckery and all of the bullshit that makes Karolina's skin crawl at work. Here there's only Gerri's heart shaped mouth, her endless, infinite soft flesh, and Karolina's pulsing adoration.
Through searing kisses, Gerri spurs Karolina to get on top of her, fitting one of her legs between hers. Karolina is dazed by the pleasure of molding her body to Gerri's, groggy with the satisfaction of the eternal ordeal that is trying to get so close to her that they meld into a single unit, even when there's not an inch of space between them. She lazily sucks one of Gerri's nipples into her mouth, laving it with her tongue until it's bright red and slick, giving the other one the same treatment. She goes back and forth between them until Gerri is whimpering and sinking her nails into her scalp. "Yes, Lina," she gasps, "You love my tits, don't you?" Karolina can only nod, because how could she not? Her lips are currently stretched around Gerri's breast, her eyes heavy-lidded and glazed over, groggy with it.
Karolina notices that Gerri seems to want to maneuver her astride her lap, which she dutifully obeys. When she feels her thighs being pulled towards Gerri's chest, she understands what her goal is, and scoots up her body, leaving a trail of her lust on Gerri's stomach.
As she's making her way over to Gerri's mouth, her clit unintentionally meets a hard nipple, wet with her own saliva, and it feels so startlingly delicious that Karolina moans out loud. Promptly Gerri grabs Karolina's hips with both of her hands and stalls her ascent, a mixture of amusement and curiosity shining out of her eyes. "Does that feel good?", she asks as she encourages Karolina to grind down once more. She has half a mind to answer. "I- ah, yes," Karolina manages, self conscious about trying out something new that could possibly injure Gerri. "If it feels good, keep going. You won't hurt me," she lovingly assures her as if she read her mind, guiding her hips forward and back again until Karolina picks up the rhythm on her own. She presses down on Gerri's chest, feeling the already wet patch spread even further, her nipple occasionally just barely slipping inside the younger woman, flooding her features with bliss, all the while Gerri marvels hungrily at the way Karolina's own breasts sway and jiggle.
She loves her, there's no use denying it now – another common trigger for her anxiety was the thought of the inexorable emotional catastrophe she'd experience if Gerri decided to end their affair. Right now it feels like there's an ocean-wide distance between Karolina and that specific insecurity. As Gerri's fingers lace themselves with hers, as she offers her body for Karolina to use and enjoy in whatever way she sees fit, there's not a single trace of doubt left in her. Karolina loves Gerri so much that at that moment she wants to shout it from the highest floor of Waystar's building.
All of a sudden, she realizes that she's titfucking Gerri in the most unorthodox way there is, which makes her huff out an incredulous laugh – is there even a way to orthodoxically titfuck? –, but it also kickstarts her orgasm. Her hips thrust against Gerri erratically until she abruptly halts, panting.
"Why did you stop?", she inquires, genuinely concerned.
"I- um, I'm gonna come on you," Karolina blushes a deep crimson that travels from the top of her ears to her sternum.
"Sweetheart," Gerri raises her head and drops adoring little kisses on her navel and stares up at her, "I would love it if you did."
That sets her off instantly, surging against Gerri's body, moaning as if she's in pain, squeezing Gerri's fingers with her hand until she winces.
Breathing heavily and covered in sweat, she mounts off and buries her face on Gerri's cum coated chest, licking off each speck of her love with profound gratitude. Her hand trails lower and lower yet to Gerri's sex as she tongues every inch of her, finding her dripping, tender and open for her fingers to explore. She's so wound up after getting Karolina off that it shockingly takes her only a couple of minutes to bring her over the edge. "Oh, Lina, you're so good, you're so good," she repeats as she reaches her peak, going limp against Karolina, with a satisfied smile on her face.
Afterwards, she trails her fingertips up and down Gerri's side, relishing the closeness of their sticky-sweaty skin. "I can hear those wheels turning," Gerri teases. "Stop it."
She doesn't quite know what to say. "I wish I could," Karolina explains, running her fingers through her miraculously messy blonde hair, "Thinking is kind of my thing."
"I'm gonna have to keep distracting you, then," she states, nipping at the skin of her neck.
Karolina doesn't need to be convinced. As much of a skeptic as she is about overcoming her anxiousness, she still lets Gerri try to take her mind off of things all she wants, with her mouth, her fingers and her words. "I guess you will."