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Peter sipped his coffee as he was going through his mail. Electric bills, water bills, his rent is due this week. Sigh... He can barely feed himself without all of that.
A red letter caught his eye. It stood out from the rest with the bright color and fancy seal. Peter stopped drinking his coffee to study the letter more closely.
Who could even write him a letter?
No one came up in his mind so there was only one thing left to do - open it.
Peter did it carefully, not wanting to tear it. Who knows what’s in there? Maybe it's important.
Inside was a neat and quite small piece of paper, on it a text written in fancy letters.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm sorry to say,
But I am dead.
Hey don't cry! Save those tears for the funeral!
Wade Wilson lived a wonderful life, full of love and support. Everyone who knew him would describe him as a kind, thoughtful and honest soul. He will be deeply missed and will always stay in our hearts.
Wade Wilson was a hero. Our hero.
So, let's celebrate his life and share our memories in a Deadpool memorial at Green-Wood Cemetery on September 23rd, 10:00.
See you there!
Huh?
What does that even mean? Wade can't be dead. He saw him get shot or sliced numerous of times and he always got back up.
Wait a second.
Peter read the letter for the second time.
Okayyy this doesn't look legit. Like at all. A kind, thoughtful and honest soul? Really? This looks like it was written by Wade. Shit, is it Wade?-
Peter's phone started to ring from across the room, interrupting his thoughts.
He grabbed it to see the name on the screen: Matt Murdock.
Well, that's weird. Matt is definitely not the chatty time so if he's calling, it's not for simply catching up.
Peter answered the phone, "Hello?"
"Did you also get that weird Wade's memorial letter?" Matt asked from the other end.
Right to the point.
"Ehh yeah? Wait does that mean you got it too?"
That just makes everything weirder.
"Yes." There was a pause from Matt's end. "We both agree it's from Wade, right?"
"Oh definitely." Peter nodded. "It looks like some weird Deadpool propaganda. Which in all honesty, is a really Deadpool thing to do."
"What does he expect us to do with this? I'm definitely not going to his fake funeral."
"And I thought you would love Wade's funeral." Peter chuckled.
"The only thing I would love is for that guy to leave me alone."
He doesn't mean that. Peter knows Matt for long enough to know he's a softie deep inside. Even for the merc with a mouth.
Peter sat down on his sofa. "To be honest I'm a little curious what we would find there..."
"Are you actually considering this?" Matt sounded disappointed.
"C'mon he literally sent an invitation to his funeral! I think we can classify that as interesting."
"He just wants attention and by going to this we would give him that."
"You talk like he's a dog or something."
"He's more dog than man."
Peter sighed as he rolled his eyes. "I think we should go, Matt." When Matt didn't reply, he added, "We could trash his funeral?"
The man on the other side let out a tired sigh. "Okay fine. I'll go. But he better has a good explanation for this."
"I don't think he will."
Peter could hear some shuffling from Matt's end. "I guess see you tomorrow at our immortal friend's funeral?"
"Yeaah. Sounds like fun." Peter smiled to himself. "See you!"
Matt hanged up the phone.
Peter grabbed his now cold coffee and finished it in one sip. He glanced at the red letter one more time.
It seems he needs to find his black suit.
****
Peter arrived at the cemetery right on time and was beginning to wonder in which direction to go.
But his thoughts were interrupted by... a song?
Dumb ways to die
So many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie
So many dumb ways to die
The song felt familiar. Peter thinks it's from that one mobile game where you try to save dumb people from dying. And it was really loud and definitely inappropriate.
Well, now he knows in which direction to go.
Peter followed the song to... oh man this is a lot. The first thing he noticed was the fancy coffin, decorated with red and black ribbons. It was open but Peter wasn't able to see if it was empty or not from where he was standing.
The second thing would probably be all of the people. There were like fifty of them and Peter has never seen any of them in his life. Most of them looked sad, some carried tissues and were crying. Is he at the right funeral? What is going on?
But then the over the top Deadpool decorations caught his eye. In front of the coffin there were placed a ton of black chairs and in between them - a deep red carpet. It reminded him of the ones celebrities walk on and take pictures. A little bit off to the side there was a long table, also covered in a Deadpool themed tablecloth, with a bunch of food, snacks and drinks. It looked like a feast. And every tombstone which was near them was decorated with red and black glitter or flowers and Deadpool photos.
Yup, he's at the right place.
Oh, and the huge portrait of Deadpool with a halo around his head next to the coffin would probably be an important mention but Peter doesn't even want to think where did he even get it or why it exists.
"You seem shocked. Is it that bad?"
Peter jumped a little and turned around to see Matt, wearing his usual suit and red glasses. Damn his spider-sense. It doesn't react to Matt or Wade anymore which makes him end up in these awkward situations.
Peter cleared his throat. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Not more than a few minutes." Matt shrugged. "Why are there so many people here? Did Wade send the letters to more of his victims?"
The song changed to Queen's Another one bites the dust and of course it did.
Peter glanced at all the black dressed strangers. "No, I don't think so. I don't recognize any of them. Honestly, they seem like just normal, sad people."
"Actors then?"
Peter didn't even think of that. Can you hire people to cry at a funeral? Probably. Peter would definitely cry at some tombstone for a few dollar bills.
"You're probably right." Peter nodded. "That lady is crying way too hard next to that dumb painting."
"Dumb painting?"
"Oh God you're lucky you can't see it. It's horrendous. It has Deadpool drawn in like a cristian setting with a whole halo and little angels on his side." Peter chuckled.
Matt's smiled as he leaned on his stick. "How many dollars you want to bet that he already had this painting before this funeral?"
"Zero cause he definitely did."
The two men snorted at the image of Deadpool putting this up in front of his bed.
"So, what are we supposed to do exactly?" Matt was the first one to stop chuckling.
"Go to the coffin maybe? I can't see if anyone's in there."
"Wade is." Matt said way too casually.
Peter blinked. "You mean Wade, like the real Wade, is laying in that coffin?" He pointed at its direction. Matt can't see the gesture but Peter's sure he feels the dramatic-ness Peter is trying to achieve right now.
"Yeah. I don't think that's surprising." Matt started to walk towards the coffin, the crowd getting out of his way as soon as they see his stick.
Peter followed him not far behind. "But is he... like actually dead?"
"Not sure."
"What?" Peter stopped walking and now was standing next to the food table, not far from the coffin. "How can you be not sure? He's either dead or not. What other option is there?"
Matt stopped walking as well and turned around to face Peter. "There is no heartbeat but he doesn't smell dead."
"I thought he smelled dead to you all the time."
"I think that's just because he doesn't clean his suit." Matt said more to himself than Peter. "But every time he dies around us I can smell his rotting corpse."
Peter scrunched his nose. "That's dark. I'm sorry you have to smell that."
"It's nothing new with Wade." Matt shrugged. "But the fact that I can't smell that right now is a little weird."
"Maybe you just need to be closer and didn't hear his heartbeat among so many people."
Matt was about to respond how he could hear that from much farther away but studently someone was lightly tapping on his shoulder to get his attention.
The men turned their gazes to a tall, dressed in a formal black dress and blazer, woman. She was holding a binder in her hands.
"Hi, I'm Donna." She stretched her hand, which Matt shook. "I'm guessing you're..." She glanced at some paper in her hands. "Peter Parker and Matt Murdock?"
"Yes, that's us." Peter nodded. He wasn't sure what was happening. Does the woman even know what's going on?
"Great! You're right on time!" She smiled gently. "I know this must be a hard time for you so I'm very glad you're here."
Okayyy so she probably doesn't know that the man lying in that coffin isn't able to die.
Peter fell silent and decided to let Matt lead this conversation. No one needs his poor improvising skills and awkwardness right now.
It seems Matt got the idea from Peter's silence and politely replied. "Yes, of course. I'm guessing you're the one who organized this?" He gestured around them.
Donna nodded enthusiastically, a proud smile on her face. "It's quite a memorial, isn't it? Honestly wasn't sure if I could pull it off but the instructions were quite clear, which helped."
"Instructions?" Matt voiced both of their thoughts.
"Oh, I was hired to plan this whole event by some anonymous person. They said they were Wade Wilson's relative. And they sent me a pretty specific list." She explained as she gestured to the binder in her hands.
Great. Just great. Now he's hiring people to organize his whole fake funeral/memorial thing. Just great.
At least Peter knows she will get paid well for this. Wade is not the money saving type.
"And we're in these... instructions?" Peter broke his no-speaking rule.
Donna nodded. "You're mentioned as his closest friends."
Matt rolled his eyes but the woman couldn't see it because she was standing in front of him and he was wearing his glasses. But Peter, standing next to him, could and was fighting really hard not to do the same.
The woman glanced at her binder once again and continued talking. "There was a specific invitation text and letter design and here it even says to send a braille one to Matt Murdock." She put her finger on some document in her binder. "Like I said, very specific."
"Can we take a look at it?" Matt asked.
Peter nodded in agreement next to him. Seeing Wade's plan would definitely help figure out what was going on.
"I'm sorry but I can't." Donna smiled sadly. "It says only I can read this and no one else. And I understand that is kind of strange but as an organizer I always put my clients first, so I hope you understand."
Peter sighed. That smart bastard. It seems he planned this way better than expected which raises the question: How long was he planning this?
Matt tried not to look too disappointed. "It's okay. We understand."
"Yeah don't worry about it." Peter reassured her. Well he can't be mad at her, can he? She seems like a sweet woman stuck in Deadpool's shenanigans. "I think we will go pay our respects now." He gestured to the coffin not far from them.
"Yes, of course." Donna nodded politely and left the two men to be by themselves.
Peter finally let himself roll his eyes. "I can't believe him! This is total bullshit and we can't even say anything!"
"But we have to agree Donna is kind of strange."
"What? Why?"
Matt grabbed a mini sandwich from the table and ate it in one bite. "She literally got instructions to plan an event without even meeting the person. And had to hire actors and put up weird decorations. I don't think normal people just do that."
Peter glanced at the food table as well, a cookie plate grabbing his attention. "Good point actually." He took a big bite out the chocolate chip cookie. "People do weird shit for money tho."
"Speaking from experience?" A teasing smile was on Matt's face.
"Yup." Peter admitted without shame as he finished his cookie. "I literally take selfies for Jameson."
Matt was still smiling as he gestured with his head to the coffin. "Probably should take a look at that."
"Probably." Peter wasn't really keen on the thought. He would much rather eat everything on this table.
The two men walked to the coffin surrounded in black and red roses and ribbons.
Peter leaned over to look inside the coffin and yup. Here he was. Wade Wilson just lying in the coffin. He was in his Deadpool costume but Peter could easily recognize him from his build. Not that he looked at it often. He just has good memory. On people’s muscles… Wait what was he talking about again?
"Still no heartbeat?" Peter asked trying to calm himself because the urge to slap the man has never been so strong.
Matt just nodded in response.
"Wade," Peter lowered his voice. "if you can hear this you better get out of that fucking coffin right now before we actually decide to bury you in this."
Silence.
"I feel like you can hear me. You wouldn't plan this whole thing and when not hear what's happening."
Still not a sound.
"Wade I swear to god- This is so stupid. I don't know what was the point of this but if you think we'll make some heartwarming speech about you, you're dumber than I thought-"
"Pete." Matt gipped his shoulder and pulled him back from the coffin.
"What?" Peter asked with an annoyed look.
Matt motioned to something on their left. "She's coming back."
As if on cue, Donna came up to them with her usual polite smile. "I hope I'm not interrupting but it's time for speeches and it says right here" She pointed at the document in her hands. "that you specifically should say them. Being his closest friends and all."
Peter's going to murder him. Fuck his morals. No healing factor is gonna stop him. And when he's dead he's not going to throw him a funeral but bury him like an animal in the woods. No. That would be too kind. He will just drop him in the ocean. That fucking-
"Oh, we aren't prepared or anything." Matt kept calm as he was talking to the woman but Peter could see his eye twitching slightly.
"Well I'm sure It's not hard to say a few kind words about your friend. He was like your family, right?"
"Yup. Family. Totally." Peter barely made out the words.
"Great! It should begin in..." She looked at her watch. "10 minutes."
"That's... great." Peter was the one who replied seeing as Matt was about to lose his shit. He was gripping his stick way too aggressively.
Donna smiled at them and walked away. The two men were left standing alone in silence.
"I fucking hate you." Matt said without even looking at Peter.
Peter took great offence in that. "ME? Like I planned this stupid thing!"
"You're the one who wanted to go! I said we should stay out of this but nooo you were curious! Well I hope your curiosity is satisfied because now we have to make some stupid speech about Wade in front of complete strangers!" Matt practically shouted at him.
"Don't put this on me! If I knew this was that bad, I would have burned that letter."
"You really expected simple with Deadpool?"
"I don't know what I expected, okay?"
Matt didn't respond and just sighed as he leaned against his stick. Peter looked around nervously but it seems no one noticed their little freak out. He looked at the coffin again and debated whether he should just pull Wade out of there by force.
Too many witnesses. Sigh…
Matt finally turned to face him, his voice was calm once again. "We should just leave."
"Without explanation?"
"I'm sure Wade will gladly explain everything to Donna once he decides his death is over."
Peter nodded at that. Leaving sounds great, actually. He grabbed Matt's arm to lead him out of here but just as they were about to walk away, Donna waved at them to stop.
"Shit." Peter whispered under his breath.
But Donna was already on her way to them and Peter knew he would feel bad if he ran away.
"Oh, you don't need to go anywhere!" Donna walked up to them with a quick pace. "The speech will be said right here." She motioned to the coffin, which was placed in front of the chairs and the red carpet leading to it.
"...Oh, okay." was all Peter managed to say.
They're really doing this, aren't they?
The guests were already starting to sit down in the chairs, some choosing to stand next to the table (smart choice). Just now Peter realized how many people were actually was.
"I have no idea what to say." Peter whispered as quiet as he could so Donna wouldn't hear him.
"Look, I'll start. You finish." Matt whispered back.
"I don't want to finish! That's like the emotional part of speeches!"
"I don't give a fuck, Peter. You can say whatever you want. Let's just do this and we can go home and ignore Wade for a month."
"...Fine."
Donna stepped up from her position with a bright smile, somehow catching everyone’s attention. "Hello everyone one more time. Today is a hard day for many of you. Some of you lost a friend, some of you a mentor, some - a family member. And today we can all come together and share our memories of this very special and important to our lives person - Wade Wilson. Because that's what he did best - bring people together."
"Is she reading this from the instructions too?" Peter rolled his eyes.
Matt nudged him lightly to keep his voice down. Peter nudged him back annoyed.
Donna was coming to an end of her speech. "And today we have two of Wade's closest friends who would like to share their own memories of the Wade they knew." She turned to Peter and Matt. "Let's welcome Peter Parker and Matt Murdock, everyone!"
A light applause was heard among the crowd. It seemed more for encouragement than excitement.
Donna walked a little to the side to give them room. Matt took her previous place in confidence, not showing even little of stress he felt earlier.
But Peter wasn't that good at calming himself down or public speaking. He just awkwardly stood next to the man, keeping his gaze on the floor.
Matt smiled gently at the crowd. "I'm so glad to see so many people celebrating Wade's life. He was a good friend of mine and I'm sure of yours too. You know," Matt started to pace a little along the 'stage'. "It wasn't always like that. I mean, us being friends. Wade and me just never seemed to find common ground, I guess. He always wanted to act like a child and waste my time." Matt emphasized some of his words but no one seemed to notice or just didn't care. They are actors after all. "You know, sometimes I just wanted to throw him off a building." Matt let out a fake laugh. "But I guess we grew to like each other enough to call ourselves friends. Sometimes our differences pull us together. And that's life. So, I'm very glad I got to have him in my life. I bet my life without him would have been so gray and miserable." Matt turned to Peter, giving him a sign that he's done.
Oh fuck him. Of course he does a nice speech out of thin air while smiling and looking like a fucking angel. And he managed to hide some insults in there too. Peter would be lucky to even say something that sounds like a speech.
Peter let out a breath. Alright he can do this. "Wade... Wade was a weirdo. He had strange hobbies and questionable views on the world. Like he always talks- talked about that we live in a comic book or something. But that isn't the point uh... the point is... that he is- sorry was. So hard to get used to, right?" Peter chuckled nervously. Matt stood next to him with zero emotion or care. "I think my point is Wade was strange but he had a heart. It was probably three times smaller cause he like killed- I mean hated. He hated a lot of things. But that doesn't mean you don't have a heart. You can hate things. That's totally normal, y'know?" Matt gave him a look. How dare he judge him on his talking skills? "Back to the point. Wade had a heart and that made him a person he is and uh I will never forget him and uhh I’ll always treasure our times together..?" Peter finished his speech/rant on a high octave.
The crowd sat in silence for a moment before they started to clap.
This is so embarrassing.
Peter put on a fake smile and was already looking for a way to get the fuck out of here.
But of course, as always, Donna was already next to them. Nothing against the woman but can she just leave them alone?
"You did great. I'm sure Wade would have loved it." She praised them.
"I'm sure. Any more plans in your instructions?" Matt wasn't able to keep sarcasm out of his voice.
"No, this was the last thing." Donna replied in a cheerful voice. "Okay well that isn't completely true. Wade also wrote a 'dramatic reveal' as the last point but I'm not counting that."
Huh well that's... yup okay.
Donna was in this too? Man, he trusted her! He felt bad for her even!
"Don Don, have you seen my phone? I think it fell out when I was trying to climb into that fucking coffin. Wayyy too deep. I could have slipped and broke- oh hey guys! How's the funeral?"
Wade walked up next to Donna without a care in the world. Most of the guests were gone and those who were still here didn't even give him a second look. They were all in it, weren't they?
Matt smiled. "Wade, you have 1 minute." He said in a sweet and innocent tone.
Wade chuckled nervously. "Don't be mad, Matty. It was great fun, right?"
"30 seconds."
"Okayyy gotta run byeee." Wade started to run, as he was waving at Donna and equally pissed Peter.
Matt waited a moment before he started to chase after him, throwing his stick somewhere on the ground.
"How is he-?"
"Let's not focus on that right now. I know Wade won't so can at least you explain what is this?" Peter tried not to sound too mad. There's no point at being angry at her.
There was a squeal in the distance. Matt probably caught up with him. Peter had no idea he was that mad. His calm persona fooled even him a little.
"Deadpool hired me to plan this event and promised to pay... a lot of money. I can't tell you his reasons but he did give me this list and it seems making you uncomfortable was a big part of it. It was nothing personal, I swear."
Peter let out a sigh. "Yeah, It's fine."
"COME HERE YOU MOTHERFUCKER"
"THAT'S NOT VERY INVITING, MATTY, SO I THINK I'LL KEEP RUNNING"
The two men shouted somewhere in the distance.
"Should we... do something?" Donna tried to figure out from where the shouts were coming from.
"GET AWAY FROM ME AAAAHHH"
Peter shrugged. "Nah. You should probably go home. This could get violent."
"I'LL CUT YOUR LEGS OFF, YOU ASSHOLE"
Donna gulped. "Yeah, I think I will go." She gave a small unsure wave as she walked away towards her car.
Peter waved as well. He closed the coffin and sat down on top of it, waiting for the screams in the distance to quiet off.
In about five minutes Matt walked up to him, pulling Wade from his legs. The ex-merc wasn't knocked out but he obviously lost the fight, one of his arms being broken. Wade was mumbling something angrily under his breath.
"Wade just why?" Peter looked down on him from his spot.
"For funzies?" Wade tried to shrug and gasped in pain from his arm.
"Why didn't I heard your heartbeat?" Matt was still holding his legs and keeping the man on the ground.
"Y'know that poison in Romeo and Juliet which made them seem like dead? Well it wasn't anything like that actually. Doctor Strange owed me a favor. He made me into a ghost and I could see everything! It was amazing. Your speech was so ador- ow! Fuck!"
Matt kicked him on his side.
"Peter, can you climb off that coffin?" He asked calmly.
"Yeah, sure."
When Peter jumped off the coffin, Matt opened it with ease. "Grab his legs."
"Matt?"
"Grab his legs, Peter."
Peter walked around the laying on the ground Deadpool and grabbed his legs, while Matt was holding his upper body.
With one swing they throwed Wade inside the coffin. Matt closed it with a loud thump and locked it.
"Hey! Let me out! I'm sorry, okay? Guys?! Petey sweetie let your old pal out. Sugar-bun? Hello?!" Wade's muffled shout was heard from inside the coffin.
Matt kicked the coffin a few times to get him to shut up. "You wanted to be dead, so here you go! We'll get you after patrol and I hope by when you'll learn your lesson."
Matt didn't wait for Wade's response and started to walk away.
Peter snorted, "See you later, 'Pool!" and ran off to catch up with Matt.
Wade tried to scream for help but no one was around anymore and the coffin was sealed shut.
"Assholes." Wade murmured to himself.
And all he wanted was to have a little bit of fun.