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It was a chilly winter evening, a group of boys decided to spend their Christmas night in one particular mansion – one of their friend’s – Luca Kaneshiro.
Everything was set and organized, from the snowmen and Christmas lights outside to the food and decorations inside the residence. There were stockings hanging above the fireplace, as well as presents laying down below the large Christmas tree.
Three people set their foot inside the mansion that led directly into the living room, where a certain violin rest displayed near a window that had a view of the snowy area outside.
“So,” a deep voice emitted from one of the males, “you still have that?” Vox smiled whole-heartedly at the figure who was standing in front of them – both with sympathy and care.
The blond sighed and nodded slightly. “Yeah,” Luca replied, trying his best to display a smile for his friends, “It’s the only thing I have left of him.” He huffed, before shaking his head in an attempt to shake the bitterness of his heart.
“Well, enough of that, yeah?” Luca, the host for tonight, showed his usual cheerful smile and invited his friends to come in; a distraction for the sudden wave of emptiness that struck him.
-
A little over three years ago, the same blond person in a much younger state, was walking towards the hallway of his newly transferred school. He had been enrolled here for a few days now and it was about time that he picked a club to join.
Unfortunately for him, he was quite lost and didn’t know his way around college. The hallways were empty and there were no students in sight. He figured that all of them were already in their respective classes, and that he was already running late, until he heard a soothing melody play at the back of his ears.
Following the sound, he was led into an empty classroom. Well, a classroom with only one student in it; the student who was playing the same tune as the one Kaneshiro had heard.
The male stood there frozen in place. He watched the boy in front of him motion his arms and hands as natural as the wind. His movements were so smooth and delicate, as if he was watching a blossom of a cherry tree fall through the air, swishing back and forth until it hit the ground. His fingers ran through the strands of the instrument like it was the most facile thing in the world.
And Luca watched.
Watched as a four-stringed instrument, and a certain peculiar – yet fascinating – person played its way into his heart.
“May I help you?”
Luca was suddenly snapped out of his trance and back to reality, where a boy stood there with a violin on his hand and its bow on the other. He was brunette with purple streaks coming down from his hair, and a noticeable yellow front. Let’s just say the hairstyle of choice was rather… bizarre.
“Uhm…” The blond stuttered and struggled to make out a word, too embarrassed of the fact that he looked like a creep, by staring at the male in front of him playing the instrument. “Do you know the way to the music club?” He finally figured out the phrase to ask.
The shorter let out a soft and lighthearted chuckle. “This is the music club.” He said in a matter-of-fact tone, before setting the violin aside and walking closer to the blond.
“Are you Luca, perhaps?” He leaned against the wall near the door frame, where said person was standing. “I did hear there was a new member joining.”
Luca nodded in response. “Yes, that is me.” The stiffness he was feeling earlier suddenly disappeared, like the nervousness suddenly washed away from his body and was instead filled with a sense of relief.
The boy pushed himself back and stretched out a hand. “I’m Shu Yamino.” He said. Luca smiled brighter than ever after learning the violinist's name and gladly accepted the handshake. “Luca Kaneshiro.”
A simple yet memorable greeting.
Shu pulled his hand back and motioned the other to come into the room fully. “The others will be here in a while.” He said, sitting down on the chair where his instrument was once placed.
Luca sat himself down on a non-occupied seat and sighed in relief. “So I wasn’t last! Pog!” He laughed as a grin was plastered on his face.
The brunette rested a chin on top of his hand and chuckled, shaking his head. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but the others were already here earlier. They just ran a few errands.” He said, not a sense of regret in his tone, while the other merely sulked in disbelief.
The taller male groaned and threw his head back, causing the other to louden his laugh.
Luca found his laugh so pleasing, a melodic music to his ears – and he found himself craving it more and more.
-
The two grew fond of each other ever since their first encounter.
They would greet each other a good morning at school every day, they would eat together at the cafeteria whenever it was lunch time, they would wait for each other’s classes to end and walk home together, and sometimes would talk for hours once they found themselves alone in the music club.
The others noticed how the two were almost inseparable; where one was, so was the other.
Their friends quickly labeled it as they were pining for each other, although neither can see that apparently.
Just two oblivious boys in their own world.
“When are you and Shu finally gonna get together, man?” Mysta groaned as he laid his head on top of Luca’s desk, as the other just stared at his classmate in confusion.
“What do you mean?” Luca let out an unclear laugh mixed with a hint of nervousness. The student opposite of him just shot his head up and stared at him in disbelief, before rolling his eyes and laying his head back down. “You two are hopeless…” He sighed, while the blond just continued to raise his eyebrows in question.
In another classroom, a different yet same scenario played out.
“Shu, have you ever thought of getting serious with Luca?” Asked a voice from in front. A boy with glasses sat across the brunette’s desk with a book in his hand.
Said person let out a huff and shook his head. “Have you ever thought of accepting Vox’s courting's?” Shu replied sarcastically, not having enough built-in courage to respond properly.
Ike scoffed and restrained himself from rolling his eyes, closing the book and looking the other directly in the eye. “I’m serious, Shu,” he uttered and clasped his hands on his’, “the pining is so obvious and so painful at the same time.” The sentence came out more dramatic as it should have been, but Shu just stared at his friend with uncertainty.
“I… I don't know, Ike.” He finally responded, burying his face with his hands, in an attempt to cover out the growing blush on his cheeks. “I just don’t see what you guys are talking about. How could someone like Luca ever admire someone like me?”
Ike sat there – mouth wide, face in disbelief – “Maybe you were too busy gushing over him to actually realize he’s totally and very much smitten over you too!” He whispered loudly and waved his hands in motion.
“Ike!” Shu called out in embarrassment, his face growing redder and redder by the second.
The two laughed at each other’s awkwardness, the echoes of their voices repeating on the empty classroom that only had them occupying it.
Until Shu suddenly stopped almost immediately. His face suddenly growing into an act of discomfort, his skin turning pale as sweat dripped down his head. Ike noticed the sudden change of mood and went to go check up on his friend, but the other insisted he was fine and excused himself to the bathroom.
He quickly walked out of the room and made his way to the restroom as fast as he could to prevent anything awful happening in public. Closing the door, he made sure no one else was in the area, before he gave in and clutched the sink tightly. Blood dripped down from his mouth, turning on the tap to wash it off, watching as the splat of red quickly got cleaned out by the water and into the drain.
He grabbed a tissue and wiped his face with it, leaving no trace of the recent incident behind. With some final fixes of his clothes there and there, he walked towards the bathroom door and tried to open it. Until suddenly, the door opened, revealing a tall figure behind it.
“Shu?” A familiar voice called out his name. “Hey, you good? You seem a little pale.” Luca said with visible and audible worry in his voice, noticing that the male in front of him seemed uncomfortable.
Shu laughed it off and nodded. “Nah, I’m fine.” He shrugged and excused himself to quickly get out of this mess, because the last thing he would want is Luca finding out about everything he has been trying so hard to keep secret.
He was about to exit out of the room, before a sudden reminder popped up in his head. “Oh, right!” He exclaimed, turning around to face Luca, his colors gradually coming back. “I joined the talent show like you said I should.” The blond suddenly lit up his face and had that signature grin on his face. “Really?” He cried out in joy and dove in, pulling Shu into a big and tight hug.
The shorter male jolted at the sudden action, but soon melted into the warmth of his friend.
Pulling back, Luca still had that stupidly heart-felt smile glued onto his face. “You said you didn’t want to join,” He said, recalling the time where Luca first offered for Shu to join the talent show that is being hosted at their school. “What made you change your mind?” He asked.
Shu’s heart started to clench once more, his pose quickly stiffening but tried his best not to show any signs of discomfort. “Well, I thought about it and,” he paused, struggling to come up with a plausible explanation, “I thought it’s a great opportunity to build up my confidence. Whether I win or not, I at least tried my best, and you were there to boost me up.” Shu raised both of his arms and placed it on the blond’s shoulder – a sign of appreciation.
The brunette pulled his hands back down and bid his farewell to Luca, failing to notice the blush that was slowly creeping on his face.
As Shu walked farther and farther away from the bathroom, his face dropping bit by bit, guilt eating away his thoughts and preventing him to think of anything else but the consequences of the actions he made and continues to make.
‘ I’m sorry, Luca, ’ a voice in his head played through, ‘but I can’t bring myself to tell you yet. ’
-
You do realize he’s going to hate you, right?
“No, he’s not!”
You’ve lied to him. You’ve lied to everybody.
“I did it so they won’t worry about me. They needn’t worry about me. I can take care of myself just as fine.”
Can you really?
“...”
Can you?
“...”
“ Can you, Shu? ” A familiar voice spoke. It rang through his head with a slight aching pain. He opened his eyes to figure out who the sound belonged to. And oh, did he regret it.
The person who he wanted to keep his secret from, the person who left him utterly confused at times, the person who gave him butterflies every time their skin would touch even the slightest of brush, the person who caused him to break down in the middle of the nights, the person who encouraged him to show his talent he had long been hiding, the person he was always so self conscious at, the person who would make his heart full just by seeing that stupid grin of his.
And the person he dearly and truly loves.
“Luca…” He whimpered, his voice barely above a whisper.
“ Why would you lie to me, Shu? ”
“Luca, I didn’t-”
“ I could have helped you. I could have cured you, I could have prevented- ”
“Luca, stop it, please.”
“ Is it because you don’t trust us? Are we that unreliable to you? ”
“Luca, it’s not that, please-”
“ Then why, Shu? Why couldn’t you have told us? What is stopping you?!”
“Luca, please-!”
“ Forget it, Shu. If you wanna be left alone so badly, it would be my pleasure. ”
“Luca, please don’t leave me, please!” Shu stuttered as he tried to run after the figure as fast as he could, but no matter how hard he tried, the figure just seemed to grow farther and farther. His legs felt weak, his hands felt numb, his voice felt as if it was taken away, he could not even feel his body being his – it was like he was chained up. No matter how hard he tried to shout, only silent cries were let out, only his own tears flooded the dark and empty abyss. “Please- Luca!’
“Luca!” He jolted up from his bed, panting and struggling to gasp in some air. Sweat dripped down his face as he felt dried up tears sticking to his under eyes. He clenched the cloth of his shirt at the part where his heart was located, and gripped the sheets until his knuckles turned white. “Luca…” He choked out a sob, before quickly passing out due to tiredness.
-
Shu was nowhere to be found today.
Luca searched everywhere for the brunette, but not even his friends knew of his whereabouts. He was growing worried and worried by the second. Sure, Shu doesn’t have perfect attendance, but whenever he was absent, he would always have a proper explanation for it.
But now… He’s just suddenly gone. And it was not like Shu to suddenly disappear for a day without any say at all.
So, Luca decided to visit his house after school.
“Alright, I’ll send you updates!” Exclaimed the blond, as he bid farewell to Ike, Mysta, and Vox, promising them that he would send an update about Shu as quickly as he could.
Once he reached the abode, he rang the doorbell and waited for a couple of minutes. When no one answered, he rang again, much more obnoxious this time. When no one answered for the third time, he noticed that the door was unlocked. “I’m coming in!” Luca shouted as loud as he could, before entering the said house.
He knew his way around the place now, so he went upstairs to check on Shu’s bedroom first, where a pale figure laid asleep.
Luca had never seen Shu so vulnerable before.
Normally, he would always be on his guard – he would have everything under control.
But now… now he just seems so tired.
He doesn’t even seem comfortable while laying down. Luca placed his bags on the floor and quickly sat on the bed where Shu was resting on, feeling his forehead for a change of temperature. He didn't have a fever, but his sweat was cold and his skin was abnormally pale. His mouth was hung open and his breathing seemed irregular, almost as if he was having trouble partaking in that action.
Before Luca could even do anything else, Shu’s eyes shot up open and almost instantly got up to cling onto the blond like he was gonna lose him if he ever let go. “Luca…!” He managed to say after all the panting. Luca jumped at the sudden action, but quickly wrapped his arms around him in an attempt to calm him down.
“Luca, please don’t leave me!” The said man was shocked at the last few words, as the brunette just let the tears flow through his eyes.
Luca didn’t have a clue on what Shu was going through, but what he did know is that he needed him.
And Luca would always be there for him.
“I’m here, Shu, I’m here.” He assured him by caressing his back and hair, letting the shorter male clutch and ruin his uniform.
Small acts of reassurance are the reasons why Shu feels so guilty over everything that he has been telling his beloved. All the lies that he had to come up with in order to become selfless that would end up in something terrible at the end.
But he just couldn’t bring himself to utter a single word of his problems.
After Luca had successfully calmed Shu down temporarily, he finally plucked up the courage to ask. “Shu,” He mumbled out, making the brunette stiff by just the name, “May I know what happened to you?” Luca continued, his hand slowly making its way to hold and tangle it to the other’s, causing him to relax to the touch. “Can you tell me?”
The blond let Shu’s grip on his hand tighten, ignoring the pain that was rising in his knuckles. “I-I’m sorry, but I just-” he stuttered, tears attempting to fall on his face, “I just can’t… I can’t, Luca.”
Luca looked dejected, but protested no further. Instead, he smiled and continued to caress the back of the brunette’s palm. He reached out and pulled him into a hug, making Shu feel safe and warm, melting into his touch. “I know,” Said Luca, “I won’t force you. But just know that I’m here, Shu. I’m here whenever you need me and I will always be here. I won’t ever leave you and don’t you ever forget that.”
They both earned a soft laugh out of each other’s mouths, enjoying each other’s company. The silence engulfed them, but it was safe. Safe from all the lies, safe from all the guilt, safe from all the problems.
Just them in their own world.
For now.
-
And so, his dreaded day had come. A day he longed for, yet feared at the same time
Luca Kaneshiro, a blond and tall build stood in a quiet area, bouquet in hand whilst gripping it nervously. Shu Yamino, a smaller yet charming figure was positioned in front of him, with an unexplainable look on his face.
“Yamino, Shu,” Luca spoke after the long long silence, “I like you.” He managed to mutter out the three words that both of them had anticipated to be heard.
Said person stood there – Shu stood there with an expression that was hard to describe. It seemed as if he already knew, yet why does he emit a melancholic look?
“Luca…” He breathed, the ghost of his voice slowly blending in with the cold atmosphere. “I'm sorry.”
And in almost an instant, Luca’s world began to crash.
But Luca wasn’t an idiot, neither was Shu. They both knew each unspoken feelings for one another, they just waited until who would mutter those hidden adoration first.
Unfortunately, fate decided it to be Luca.
“You’re sorry…?” His voice broke with a slight tremble, making Shu flinch with his head down, not having the courage to look at the dejected man in front of him. “Sorry for what?” Luca asked again, losing the spirit in his voice by the second.
Shu pressed his knuckles together, a sting being felt around his eyes and unto his aching heart. “I’m sorry, Luca.” He replied, daring to look up and face him, but as soon as he saw that depressed look on his dearest, his face immediately dropped. “I-I’m sorry, Luca, but I can’t return those feelings. Not when… not when I’m like this, okay?” He gave him a hopeful look, a small yet pitiful smile forming on his shaking lips.
“Not when you’re like what?” Luca asked almost instantly, his voice slightly raising in the process. His heart was broken, his mind was utterly shocked and full of confusion. “Tell me, Shu, please.” He whimpered, tears threatening to fall on both of their eyes.
Seeing the other beg like this made his heart clench, a small gasp leaving his mouth when Luca reached out to clasp his hands on Shu’s. “Why are you always hiding, Shu? Why do you always feel the need to… to keep things to yourself?” Luca lashed out, but instead of sounding betrayed, he felt so worried. “Shu, I’m right here. You don’t have to keep yourself away from me. I’d listen to you for as long as I can – for as long as you’d like.”
“But what if I don’t want you to?” Shu finally managed to speak, choking out a sob. “I don’t want you getting hurt, Luca. I don’t want you getting hurt because of me.”
“Shu, you can never hurt me-”
“But I can and I will,” He cut off Luca before he could even finish his sentence, “and not because I want to, but because it’s- it’s inevitable.” A break of his voice appeared midway.
“Inevitable…?” The grip on Shu’s hands started to loosen.
The latter’s face dropped at the sudden realization, he had slipped a word that is now in need of an explanation. And finally, he decided to let the truth out that was once being engulfed by a sea of lies.
“I have a disease, Luca.” Shu managed to mutter, his voice barely above a whisper. “One that left me with countable days.”
After hearing those words, Luca’s eyes widened, his heart beating fast and all he wanted to do right now was scream and shout at the heavens. “Disease…?” He tightened the hold on Shu’s hands once more, “W-what disease?” He stuttered, not fully processing the words to utter.
The shorter male let out a burdening sigh. “AIDS.” He replied, “I got diagnosed with AIDS and unfortunately for me, I got put in the latter of people who only have a number of days left.” He let out a sound mix with a huff and a scoff, “guess fate put me in this state. It’s too late for me to be cured.” Shu ended his explanation with a tear rolling down his eyes, but his hands were restrained, preventing him from wiping it off.
And the one who restrained it stood there with a face full of different emotion, but all leading them to one feeling – guilt.
A part of him blames himself for it. A part of him blames himself for the feeling of not being trustworthy enough for Shu; for not being there for him when he’s in his time of need. A part of him wanted to curse himself for not knowing earlier on, even though he knew well that none of it was his fault.
“Shu…-”
“It’s okay, Luca.” Said Shu with a soft tone, almost as if he knew what was going through his puzzled mind. He let go of the blond’s hands only to wrap it around his neck, pulling him onto a hug. “Just so you know…” He muttered, his breath lingering and tickling Luca’s ear. “I like you too, Luca Kaneshiro.”
-
A few years passed and the same blond sat down the grass path, holding an instrument in his hand while a certain violin was leaning down a stone structure.
Luca grazed his fingers onto the strings of his guitar, playing a familiar tune that he loved and truly cherished. The silence around his surroundings, as the only sound he can hear is the melody that plays in his ears, slightly swaying his body left to right. The howls of the wind brushed up against his face, making his hair dance around to the tune of the music.
After a few minutes, the song stopped and pure silence filled in the place.
Luca exhaled a deep breath he had been holding in for a while, and smiled softly. “My skills are a little rusty,” he spoke with a light chuckle leaving his lips, “but I still remembered how you played that same tune a year ago.” He put the guitar down to get into a more comfortable sitting position. “Crazy isn’t it? It’s been a year ago since you performed on that stage – like how you said you would – and as I expected, I loved it so much.” The blond’s voice cracked a little at the end. “I loved it so much, and I still do. I still love you so much, Shu.”
“Even if you are gone now.”
Tears threatened to fall down his face, but he just blinked them away and continued to put on a smile that felt so warm, yet so sad. “I just wish we could have had more time, you know?” He sniffed, wiping his nose with the hem of his sweater. “If I had known earlier on, maybe- maybe you’d still be here.” He stuttered, licking his partly dry lips. “But I know you wouldn’t want me to blame myself, so I won't.”
He stood up with a groan due to stiffness, and bent down to get the instrument that was leaning over to his beloved’s stone grave. “I will keep and cherish this forever.” Said Luca, holding both of the instruments; the guitar in its case and wrapping it around his shoulders to his waist, while the violin was held carefully and gently in his arms. “Since… it is the four strings that made its way into my heart, as were you.”
-
“Merry Christmas, Shu.” Rewinding back to the present, Luca stood in front of the violin while all his friends made their way upstairs to finally take a rest. “I love you, and will continue to love you until the day I take my last breath.”