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Jaemin and Renjun always loved the thought of having kids together.
At age 23, when they moved in together, they would have late-night talks about what their life would be like ten years into the future. The thought of having a child would come in every now and then. When the topic initially opened up, Jaemin suggested getting a surrogate. He’d say it would be nice to have a kid with any of their features.
On the other hand, Renjun preferred adoption. He’d say there were kids out there without a home, and it would be nice to give them one and love them unconditionally.
Renjun was really good at convincing Jaemin. While Jaemin would usually be stubborn about his decisions, when it came to Renjun, Jaemin was smitten. Pretty privilege aside, when Renjun talked with his soft, soothing voice and eyes that twinkled in their dim room, it did not take more for Jaemin to change his mind.
And so, they agreed on adopting.
Fast forward to two years into their marriage, both of them 28 years old, they felt like they had reached the stage of their life and relationship where they were ready to raise a child. Jaemin was doing well with his work-from-home accounting job, and Renjun was getting paid fairly well as an art teacher at an international school. Of course, they did months of research and planning. They talked to a social worker about the requirements and all the things they needed if they wanted to adopt.
The social worker was skeptical at first. For one, Jaemin and Renjun looked young, even if they were in their late 20s, so she kept asking them if they really wanted to be parents and went on this whole monologue about having a kid being a huge responsibility. It wasn’t like they hadn’t heard this speech from their parents and friends. But again, they insisted they were ready and would love any child they’d be given the opportunity to share a home with.
Renjun worked with children as a teacher. That provided him with first-hand experience in dealing with them. Jaemin worked with kids on outreach programs with his mom on weekends. He, too, got along well with children. Their loved ones didn’t have to worry at all.
Being good with children based on temporary interactions is one thing; being good parents to a child they ought to raise is another. Jaemin and Renjun were aware of that, and were ready to do whatever it took.
Despite their perseverance to get through the adoption process, it was very tough. However, Jaemin and Renjun had gone through tougher stuff before, so they never wavered.
It took longer for them to get approval on their request to become adoptive parents (mostly because the system was still critical of same-sex couples, but they were willing to push through). There were lots of interviews and paperwork involved. Then, they went through home inspections and more interviews with different people in the system.
While they underwent the process, they decided to adopt a dog first and proved to their friends and family that they can actually take care of another living creature.
They adopted a dog from the shelter, which Jaemin named Birthday Boy, BB for short, because he and Renjun adopted him on August 13—Jaemin’s birthday. BB had long brown-and-white fur and chocolate brown eyes, which always made Renjun and Jaemin coo. The first time they laid eyes on him at the shelter, their hearts melted almost immediately.
To anyone (their friends specifically), the unique (weird) naming process for their dog may be a red flag to a social worker, but Renjun was rather optimistic.
In six months’ time, BB had already learned three commands, including sit, paw, and turn. He would approach Jaemin or Renjun whenever he needed to go out to the garden to poop and pee, then come back inside. They were also very faithful to vet appointments, making sure BB had all his vaccinations completed.
By then, they were pretty confident that they would make it clear to the social workers that they would do well as parents.
It was on a Thursday afternoon when Jaemin got an important phone call from the social worker. It was after a Zoom meeting with a client that they called him to announce that they were going to be parents soon.
Once the call ended, Jaemin called Renjun right away. It took a while for Renjun to answer since he was in the middle of a class. But Jaemin didn’t really think much of it because it was just news that he needed to spill immediately.
“What? Jaemin, you know I have class,” Renjun said, very much annoyed by the five calls he had to reject. “This better be an emergency.”
“Babe, we’re going to be parents! The social worker said our paperwork got approved.”
“Fuck, rea—” Jaemin could hear Renjun tense up when he realized he had just accidentally cursed in class. “Oh my gosh, Jaemin! We’re going to be parents!”
“I just wanted to give you the good news first. I’ll hang up now, bye! See you at home,” then Jaemin immediately ended the call.
Renjun was about to say something, but Jaemin immediately cut him off by ending the call. It was for Renjun’s own good, Jaemin thought. He still had a job to do. But fuck, they were going to be parents!
They were going to have a kid of their own to love and take care of. Just the thought of sharing the responsibilities of parenthood with Renjun made Jaemin’s heart swell. He’d always dreamed of having a child, of building a family.
And he was glad to start that journey and share it with the love of his life.
🌟
The social worker had sent them their child’s file. Her name was Byeol, five years old. She was brought into the orphanage at three. In the picture that the social worker gave them, she had cat-like eyes, chubby cheeks, and short straight hair with fringes on her forehead. Byeol was adorable.
The file said that she was quite shy, silent, and took a while to approach people. She was pretty obedient, though, and would usually clean up her dishes after eating and toys after playing with them.
Once they were counting down the days that they would bring Byeol to their home, they began planning for her room, schools, and all the things that would help her feel accepted and welcomed in their family.
They stayed in the living room sipping coffee as they went through her file, and Renjun took notes. BB was beside Jaemin sleeping on their carpet. Jaemin’s instrumental playlist added a soothing ambiance to the air, just to help them get their thinking caps on.
“Whose last name will she take?” Renjun asked.
“I actually want her to take your last name,” Jaemin replied.
“Hwang Byeol?”
“Yeah, so she’ll shine bright, just like you.”
Despite years of being together, there were still moments when Jaemin made Renjun flustered. It was one of the things he loved about being with Jaemin. Though he had a mature side to him, there were still times when Renjun felt like he was back to being 18 and having this secret crush on Jaemin. It was times like these when he was reminded of that. Renjun could feel his cheeks grow warm and his lips fighting back a giddy smile.
“Fuck, you’re so cheesy,” Renjun mumbled.
“Language, Papa Jun,” Jaemin scolded. “We should set an example for Byeol. We should have our own swear jar, too.”
“Right,” Renjun said, “But, gosh, Jaemin, we’re finally going to be parents.”
“Yeah,” Jaemin slipped his hand in Renjun’s, then raised Renjun’s hand to his lips. “I wouldn’t have imagined it with anyone else other than you.”
Renjun’s heart was full. The first time Renjun told Jaemin he loved him, and Jaemin said it back right away, Renjun felt like everything fell into place. He felt like all the things that came his way—whether it was the shittiest of experiences, the dullest of times, or even the best of moments—were worth it.
It was all worth it if it meant that Jaemin was with him through it all. He had never felt at peace, never felt loved the way Jaemin had made him feel all the years they’ve been together.
“Me too,” Renjun smiled, “I love you, Jaemin.”
When it was just both of them alone, Renjun was always more affectionate. He never held back on saying I love you , giving Jaemin kisses, or even just saying sweet words that made Jaemin’s toes curl every time. Jaemin liked it that way—seeing a version of Renjun that was only for him.
“Also, fun fact, blue stars are actually the brightest stars, so technically, you’re setting our daughter up for failure and disappointment,” Renjun interjected.
Jaemin could only smile. Even when his husband shot down his sweet remark earlier, his heart was still fond. This is the smart-ass he promised to spend a lifetime with.
“Our daughter will be the brightest star out there. I make the rules,” Jaemin said. And before Renjun could say anything more, he leaned in to kiss him square on the lips.
🌟
They picked up Byeol from the orphanage on a Saturday morning.
The lady who ran the orphanage, Mrs. Nam, greeted Jaemin and Renjun when they arrived. She gave them a tour around the orphanage, showing them a playground, a study room, a playroom, and even their own garden. As Jaemin and Renjun looked around, seeing kids frolicking in the playground, they wondered where their precious Byeol was.
Mrs. Nam then led them to her office, where they were going to wait for Byeol.
A few minutes later, Mrs. Nam returned to the office with a little girl trailing behind her. It was Byeol. She looked just like the picture the social worker had sent them. Meeting her for the first time, Jaemin and Renjun were both nervous and excited. On Byeol’s end, she looked visibly nervous. She hugged a stuffed bear close while standing behind Mrs. Nam.
“Byeol, these are your new parents,” Mrs. Nam said.
Byeol didn’t speak. She even looked like she was on the verge of crying when Mrs. Nam tried to nudge her forward to be closer to Jaemin and Renjun.
“Byeol?” Renjun was the first to approach her. “Here. Do you like candy?” He pulled out candy from his pocket and reached his hand out, so he could give it to Byeol. He hoped that it would at least get her to interact with him, but Byeol was still hesitant. She stared at it for a minute (or what Renjun thought felt like a minute) then glanced back at Mrs. Nam.
Seeing as she didn’t want to take it, Renjun gave up and put the candy back in his pocket. Jaemin approached Byeol this time and smiled at her. He crouched down beside Renjun and said, “Byeol, we’ll be taking care of you from now on, okay? Our home is really nice. You have your own room. We have a pet dog, and I’ll make lots of yummy food for you.”
Byeol just looked at him, frowning. They didn’t know what was wrong.
“Byeol? Are you okay?” Renjun asked, growing worried.
“You’re not Appa,” Byeol mumbled.
Right then and there, Renjun’s heart broke. Byeol was still expecting her biological father to come back for her. He looked at Jaemin, who equally didn’t know what to do.
Mrs. Nam sighed and then asked Byeol to wait for them in the visitor’s area. Byeol didn’t think twice and quickly left the office.
The air was a little tense when Byeol left. Renjun didn’t think their first encounter would end up like that. Mrs. Nam proceeded to her desk and asked Jaemin and Renjun to take a seat.
She heaved another sigh, giving Renjun and Jaemin a worried look, “As you can see, Byeol is still having a hard time accepting that her father is gone. Her father is actually an alcoholic and her uncle is the one who brought her here. He didn’t want to take care of her, so she’s like that. You have to be extra patient with her.”
When Renjun and Jaemin signed up to be adoptive parents, they somehow expected that the child they would be bringing into their home would have pasts such as Byeol’s. Thinking about it in theory, they thought they could take it.
But hearing it for themselves and seeing the way that it affected Byeol made them feel like cold ice water washed over them from a waterfall. It was like a fist had crumpled their heart, squeezing it inside their chest. Renjun slipped his hand in Jaemin’s, holding it firm and trying to fight back the tears.
“I see,” Renjun said, “What about her mom?”
“There’s no record of her,” Mrs. Nam said, “Her relatives never mentioned it.”
A dad that left her and a mom that was long gone. It was sad how people could give up their children this quickly - their own flesh and blood. The thought made Renjun’s blood boil. Out of the two of them, Renjun was the one that was easily swayed by emotion, always having his heart on his sleeve. Then, there was Jaemin, who was the more level-headed one. He was Renjun’s anchor, the one who’d hold his hand and see things clearly at the moment for the both of them.
“We’ll do our best to take care of her. It’ll be a big adjustment, but we’ll do our best,” Jaemin said.
Renjun glanced at his husband, who looked more determined than ever. Jaemin turned Renjun’s way and gave him a comforting smile.
Renjun nodded, grateful for Jaemin’s reassurance.
They all proceeded to the visitor’s area where they met Byeol again, whose bags were already packed in a huge backpack and paper bag. Her eyes were red like she had been crying while waiting for them.
Together, Jaemin and Renjun crouched down in front of her, hoping she would give them another chance.
“Hello, Byeol. Are you still waiting for your Appa here?” Renjun asked.
Byeol nodded.
“How about we wait for him together? For now, you’ll stay home with us. We’ll be your appa s in the meantime. I’ll be your Papa and he’ll be your other Appa,” Renjun said, placing a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder.
“But it doesn’t mean your Appa won’t be your Appa anymore. You’ll just have three appa s now,” Jaemin held up three fingers, “Will that be okay?”
Byeol was silent for a while, pondering on their words.
“We’ll make sure that you have a nice room, yummy food, and do really fun stuff while we wait for your Appa, okay?” Renjun held up his pinky finger, a gesture of promise.
Byeol looked at his finger. She still hesitated, and Renjun hoped that what they said convinced her enough. After a while, to both Jaemin and Renjun’s relief, she nodded in agreement and hooked her own pink finger with Renjun’s. Jaemin hooked his pinky finger with theirs as well and smiled in triumph.
Crisis averted. For now.
They bid Mrs. Nam and the other children goodbye before getting in the car and driving away. Since it was almost noon, they decided to find a good restaurant. Jaemin asked Byeol what she wanted for lunch, but Byeol didn’t reply. Renjun, who was in the passenger’s seat while Jaemin took the wheel, turned to Byeol and saw how she clutched her stuffed toy while looking down. Her lips were pursed and eyes furrowed, unable to look at Renjun.
It wasn’t the first time Renjun had dealt with kids as shy as Byeol. Being a teacher in an international school, there were usually kids who would feel ostracized by their classmates, especially if they were newcomers. As much as possible, Renjun would always make them feel included. It took a lot of time, and this was no different.
“Do you like grilled meat, chicken, or Mcdonald’s?” Renjun asked. Perhaps giving her options would make her feel more comfortable.
She paused. It took a while for her to answer, rather careful about what she had to say. “M-meat…”
“Do you like spicy food?” Renjun followed up.
Byeol shook her head.
“Okay. Good job, Byeol,” Renjun smiled and reached over to pat her head, hoping the praise would give her a bit more confidence to open up to them. “Don’t be scared to tell us what you want, okay?”
She doesn’t reply further.
It was a start. Nothing they can’t handle.
🌟
When they finally brought Byeol home, they first introduced her to BB, who took a liking to her right away. It seemed to them that Byeol already had an initial fondness for dogs, which made her instantly connect with their furbaby. After that, they brought Byeol to her new room, which had a few toys and pink-and-blue sheets. The ceiling had glow-in-the-dark stars scattered on the ceiling, courtesy of Renjun.
“This is your new room, Byeol,” Renjun said. “Do you like it?”
There was still silence. Byeol looked around, her eyes wandering around her new room—a room that she would have all by herself, unlike the one she had in the orphanage.
“Byeol?” Renjun tried to catch her attention, but it seemed like she was still trapped in her own mind as she looked around the room.
In the end, Renjun decided not to push her to talk about it further. Perhaps giving her time and space to adjust to her new environment would be more beneficial for her at the moment.
“I’ll prepare dinner in a while. Do you like fried chicken?” Jaemin asked.
Byeol nodded. At least she was responsive when it came to choosing the food she wanted to eat.
They left her in her room for a while to prepare for dinner.
🌟
Byeol was still as silent during dinner time.
However, she managed to eat her chicken clean and made sure there weren’t any crumbs or rice left on her plate. After she was done eating, she pushed her chair close to the sink, climbed up with her plate and utensils, then began washing her dishes by herself. Jaemin, who was closer to the sink, quickly got up from his seat and stood by Byeol’s side, asking her if she needed any help or if it would be okay if Jaemin washed the dishes instead.
But then, Byeol replied, “It’s okay. I can do it.”
“Okay,” Jaemin didn’t try to stop her. Instead, he waited for her, observing the way she washed the dishes and making sure she didn’t fall from the chair or hurt herself. When Byeol was finished and placed the plates and utensils in the dryer, Jaemin gave her a pat on the head and smiled.
“You’re really a good girl, huh, Byeollie?” Jaemin said. “Can you also cook by yourself?”
Byeol shook her head, “Only wash dishes and clean toys.”
“I see. You did a good job today, Byeollie,” Jaemin added. Renjun, who witnessed the whole thing, clapped in the background and cheered too.
With the praise, Jaemin could make up a hint of a smile on her face, which made his heart soar. So this is how fathers would feel when they saw their child accomplish something for the first time.
When Byeol began climbing off the chair, Jaemin helped her, making sure she wouldn’t fall. Byeol then proceeded to put back the chair next to the table.
“Do you know how to read, Byeollie?” Renjun asked.
Byeol raised two fingers, her thumb and pointer, gesturing that she only knew a little.
“Is it okay if we read bedtime stories later?” Renjun followed up his question.
This time, it took a while for Byeol to answer. She glanced at Renjun, then she looked at her fingers, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.
“Okay,” she finally said.
Her approval made Renjun smile. Renjun looked at Jaemin who shared the smile with him, hopeful at how Byeol was accepting them little by little.
By the time bedtime rolled around, Renjun accompanied Byeol in the bedroom with a book at hand. It was a book that had multiple stories in it, so they could choose what Byeol would like best. As soon as Byeol was tucked into bed, Renjun sat beside her and went through the Table of Contents, reading out the list of stories that were there.
“Which one do you think would sound best, Byeol?” Renjun asked.
Byeol just shrugged in reply.
“Okay, how about we go in order. First, let’s go with The Boy Who Sailed through the Universe.”
The short stories Renjun had were books he made himself as a passion project during his spare time. He illustrated it himself and had it printed. It was a storybook he wanted his children to remember him by. And he hoped that as he read it to Byeol, she’d love it too.
To his delight, Byeol had her eyes on the illustrations, soft colors of blues, yellows, and white. She would sometimes point at the simple drawing of the protagonist with a space suit. When Renjun wanted her to repeat a word, she managed to do so.
The story of the boy who sailed through the universe was about a curious boy who wanted to get out into the world and on an adventure. He saw the nine planets, which Renjun named one by one, and asked Byeol to repeat after him.
Then, the boy in the story saw the sun. Then, the boy waved at the moon. And then, when he realized he missed his family, he returned home to earth. As soon as the boy returned, he removed his spacesuit and hugged his family.
Once they reached the last page of the story, Renjun concluded with a “The…”
And he waited for Byeol to supply the next word. But she paused and looked at Renjun, confused.
So Renjun added for her, “End. When the story is done, we say ‘the end’ after, okay, Byeollie?”
This time, Byeol immediately nodded. Renjun gave her a thumbs up, commending her, and bid her goodnight. He left her bedside and waited for her to rest her head on the pillow before leaving the room and closing the door behind him.
🌟
At the end of a rough night, it always helped to talk about it together. He and Jaemin had gone through a lot of things together, from all the people that would stand in the way of their relationship and misunderstandings to tough days at work. Their bedroom was their own universe at night. And it wasn’t the bedroom specifically, it was just any space, where they’d lie down and just talk about anything and everything while holding each other close. There was comfort in the warmth of each other’s touch and presence.
When they were going through the initial stages of the adoption process, they had it all planned out. Of course, they knew it wasn’t going to be candies and roses. But they didn’t realize how the reality of it would take a toll on them at the end of the day.
“What do we do about Byeol’s dad?” Jaemin asked.
It hung heavy on Renjun’s heart, seeing Byeol still waiting for her father to look for her. However, knowing her father’s issue, Renjun wanted to keep Byeol safe from it, to make sure she wouldn’t see its ugly parts. But if Byeol and her father wanted to (and her father was in a better place), they also deserved to connect with each other.
“Maybe we can look for him soon. Then, if she really wants to meet him and if he’s safe to be around, then we can let them meet,” Renjun said.
“You think so? What if it gets complicated after?” Jaemin replied.
“We’ll figure it out when we get there. When we decided this, we promised that we’d make our child happy. Let’s just do our best to make Byeol happy.” Renjun had been told he was more of an idealist. He was more hopeful than most, and it was one of the many things Jaemin loved about him.
When it turned bleak, sure, Renjun would cry or feel down about it for a while, but after some space and thinking, he’d come out stronger than ever.
“You think it’s what’s best for her?” Jaemin asked.
Renjun paused for a moment, deep in thought. Then, he replied, “When we find him, then we decide if it is.”
“Okay,” Jaemin conceded. He always did when it came to these things. Years into their relationship, he’d always come to trust Renjun’s instincts. He kissed Renjun’s forehead goodnight and whispered, “I love you.”
Renjun squeezed Jaemin in the embrace and mumbled his reply, “I love you, too.”
🌟
Over time, Byeol spoke more to them. Though they could see her often hold back, they were still grateful for how she could now hold a conversation with them. She was no longer shy about calling Jaemin and Renjun Appa or Papa .
Since she usually stayed at home with Jaemin on weekdays, she would help out Jaemin with cooking and cleaning. Of course, she would do the more age-appropriate things, like only washing the lettuce and tomatoes for cooking, as well as keeping her toys in order for cleaning. Whenever she accomplished something, they were always generous with their praises, always telling Byeol she did a good job.
Byeol also took a liking to Pokémon, watching the show every night and the reruns during the day. Seeing her interest in the anime, Renjun would often go out of his way to buy her Pokémon merchandise when his paycheck came in. By then, Byeol’s room was already filled with Pokémon figurines and plushies. He even gave her Pokémon bed sheets.
She loved it. Every time Renjun came in with items that had her favorite Pokémon characters, Charmander, Buneary, and Pikachu, she would let out a squeal, clap, hug Renjun, and say “thank you.” It made his heart melt every time.
The dopamine he gets from seeing his child happy was enough to make him want to spoil her some more.
They would spend weekends together.
Sometimes, they would go to the park while taking BB out on a walk. Other times, they would stay home and watch Disney movies. There were other times when they would take Byeol to new places, where she’d play and explore.
Byeol’s laughter and smiles had become more frequent that it was no longer a milestone they wished to achieve.
She became more affectionate with them, giving them hugs and cheek kisses without Renjun or Jaemin asking for them. How Byeol seamlessly integrated into their lives was like magic.
🌟
As Byeol’s first day of kindergarten was drawing near, Jaemin and Renjun were more excited to see her go than she was. They managed to buy her two backpacks, two pairs of shoes, and cute clips and ribbons for her hair.
Renjun roamed through Pinterest and Youtube to learn different hairstyles. He’d have her in front of him the whole time and try out a variety of cute pigtails and ponytails that would suit Byeol with her uniform.
On the other hand, Jaemin would go through different recipes for lunch, so Byeol would have Pokémon-themed lunch boxes in her first few weeks of school.
“Why only for the first few weeks of school?” Renjun asked while Jaemin was in the kitchen, practicing for the lunchboxes.
“Because I’m too lazy to do it consistently. Plus, we only need to do it for a little while, so people in her class will think Byeol’s cool,” Jaemin replied.
“Byeol is cool on her own though,” Renjun clicked his tongue, unimpressed by his husband’s plan.
“Yeah, but she’d be even cooler if they knew she has a cool Appa,” Jaemin argued, making Renjun burst out in laughter and slapping his arm.
“What?”
“You’re ridiculous!” Renjun shook his head and left Jaemin to continue his themed lunchbox practice.
🌟
On the morning of Byeol’s first day of school, Renjun and Jaemin both got up early to prepare. They had five alarms lined up, making sure that they had ample time to prepare Byeol’s things and get her ready. Jaemin prepared her Pokémon-themed lunchbox with fried rice and a Pokéball on top of it made of ham, mayonnaise, and dried seaweed. Renjun woke Byeol up at six o’clock and made sure she took a bath right away.
After Byeol was done showering and got all dressed, Renjun helped her dry her hair quickly, so he could finally give her a cute ponytail hairstyle.
Once he finished, he called Jaemin, so they could take pictures of Byeol on her first day of school. Jaemin grabbed his DSLR right away and snapped multiple pictures of Byeol from different angles. Byeol was a natural in front of a camera. Her smile was effervescent, lighting up the whole living room more than the sunrise.
When it came to Byeol’s firsts and documenting them, Renjun and Jaemin always had a habit of getting carried away.
“Papa, Appa! I’m hungry already,” Byeol whined.
“Oh, right,” Renjun and Jaemin said, in sync. They laughed and apologized to Byeol before making their way to the dining room to eat breakfast together.
🌟
Since starting Kindergarten, Byeol would have tons of stories to share with Jaemin and Renjun about her friends and classes when she got home. She had slowly come out of her shell as time passed, making Jaemin and Renjun proud.
There were times when she would be invited over to her friends’ house, and Jaemin would bring her there and fetch her when it was time to come home. Being the one who would pick up Byeol frequently, Jaemin had befriended the mothers of Byeol’s classmates. At times, he would listen in on the gossip, mostly listening to mothers about their neighbors or other mothers from the class or a different class. He didn’t really speak on it. Not like he really liked talking about any other people’s business. He’d only give his view on it, then shut up and listen (sometimes, he’d relay it to Renjun when it was extra juicy. He can’t help himself sometimes, really).
Usually, he was more enthusiastic when conversations with them involved topics related to finances, investments, dramas, recipes, or even appliances that the mothers might be interested in purchasing.
Some of the mothers were quite generous, giving Jaemin some Tupperware full of food every now and then when there was a special occasion in their household.
Being a part of the faculty, Renjun would sometimes ask Byeol’s adviser how she was doing in class. In the past, Renjun didn’t like the idea of being an overprotective and doting parent. It allowed very little room for their child to grow and experience things.
But there was that voice in him that was always tempted to look out for his daughter fiercely. Byeol’s adviser, Mrs. Kang, would simply smile and tell Renjun that Byeol was doing a great job in class and that she always stuck with her friend group, a girl named Hayoung and a boy named Ben. Renjun was already introduced to them, mostly from the stories that Byeol told him at home. There was always this sense of relief, knowing that his daughter was adjusting well in school and having fun with her friends.
Whenever Byeol was given a star or scored high on a test, they would always reward her with food or a Pokémon toy. When her scores weren’t too great on a test, they would console her and say that she could always do better next time.
“Low scores shouldn’t dim your light,” Renjun would tell her, “It should motivate you to shine brighter.”
By now, Byeol had gotten used to Renjun’s metaphors. She would tackle him in a hug and flash him her always brilliant smile. Renjun thought he’d always be weakest against Jaemin’s smile; little did he know that his daughter’s smile was so much more lethal.
“Thank you, Papa! I’ll do my best next time.”
🌟
Byeol spent the holiday staying at home while Jaemin continued working in his home office and Renjun went out to buy groceries.
Jaemin would have wanted to spend the holiday playing with Byeol, but one of his clients decided to intrude on his rest day and said it was an emergency. Lo and behold, one of his employees fucked up a spreadsheet, so Jaemin had to give them a backup. Then, another client needed data on a certain investment ASAP, and Jaemin had to spend three hours on call with him —t wo hours on unnecessary rapport, and the rest, explaining to him the pros and cons (mostly the cons) of the investment. The client was nice, and Jaemin didn’t want to turn him down because he paid him generously.
It was tough, but he promised himself that by noon, he was done and would finally shut off his computer.
After he wrapped up his last Zoom meeting of the day, he found Byeol in the living room sniffling while trying to paste a broken arm of a Pokémon figurine together. She mumbled, “No… oh no…” while wiping away her tears. BB was beside her, whimpering and staying close to her just as she panicked.
“Byeol?” As Jaemin approached her, he could see Byeol trying to hide the broken toy from him, “What’s wrong, Byeollie?”
“Appa…” She began sobbing uncontrollably. The toy is still hidden behind her back, away from Jaemin’s sight, “I’m sorry I broke the toy.”
Seeing his daughter cry over her broken toy shattered Jaemin’s heart into pieces. It was devastating, seeing his daughter so sad like that. He immediately threw her arms around her and held her close, rubbing her back to console her, “Oh, it’s just a toy. We can fix it.”
“I don’t want you or Papa to be mad at me,” Byeol cried, clutching Jaemin’s shirt and sobbing into his chest. “I don’t want to leave.”
“No, no, Byeol,” Jaemin said, “We’d never leave you over a toy. It’s just a toy. Baby, me and Papa love you so much.” Jaemin wasn’t one who was expressive over his own sadness. But Byeol breaking down at the thought of them leaving her over one mistake made his world crumble. Tears formed in the corner of his eyes as he hugged his daughter tight. “Nothing will ever make us leave you, okay?”
It turned out that after she broke a vase in her uncle’s home, it was what set him off to bring her over to the orphanage. Jaemin was furious, learning about it, but he needed to keep a level head for the sake of his daughter. The urge to go to his uncle’s house and beat the shit out of him for hurting Byeol ran deep in his veins.
He could fully understand now why Byeol was so eager to please them. She was always careful not to step on their toes and cried when she had more than five errors in her exams when Renjun and Jaemin weren’t even particular with it to begin with.
At night, Jaemin told Renjun about it before they went to bed. As expected, Renjun burst into tears upon hearing about it, a mixture of anger and sadness overpowering his senses over their daughter’s hurt and trauma. He, too, shared the same sentiment of beating up Byeol’s uncle, but Jaemin, with a clearer head this time, said Byeol needed them both out of jail.
To his relief, it still managed to make Renjun laugh, despite the overwhelming hurt.
“Jaemin,” Renjun said, wiping away the tears in his cheeks. “Let’s really love her. Let’s never make her feel that way ever again.”
“Yeah,” Jaemin pulled Renjun close to him, caging him in an embrace. He kissed away the tears on his cheeks, giving his husband just as much reassurance as he did with his daughter earlier. It broke Jaemin, seeing his family so distraught.
Jaemin’s mother had told him before that the saddest thing she’s had to witness was her loved ones hurting and fighting through their pain and feeling helpless as she stood beside them. She wished she could always shield Jaemin from all the hurt he’s had to deal with in the past, and before, he never really understood it. He only just felt love for his mother, happiness that she loved him so much.
But now, he fully understood it. Fully understood the pain of helplessness when things like these were out of his control. All he and Renjun could do was fill in the gaps, do their best to mend the breakage, and love their daughter unconditionally.
🌟
The next day, Renjun and Byeol stayed in the living room as they spent their Saturday morning painting and drawing. When Byeol showed an interest in art, Renjun bought her a small easel and a drawing book for her to practice on. While Renjun would paint portraits, Byeol would be beside him practicing how to draw her favorite Pokémon.
Renjun was still trying to find a way to piece together his thoughts carefully, so he could talk to Byeol about the incident yesterday without making her feel bad. Painting helped him think while keeping his feelings at bay.
Once he’d managed to get it together, he paused, put his paintbrush down to let it rest on the palette, then turned to Byeol.
“Byeollie?”
Byeol paused coloring her drawing. It was a drawing of a Pokémon — Gengar — in different purples. She was still holding her crayon when she focused her attention on Renjun.
“About yesterday,” Renjun began. He could feel his chest beat rapidly and his palms grew cold. “Appa told me what happened. About what you said when you broke your toy.”
Renjun could already make out the frown that was forming on Byeol’s lips.
“Byeollie…” To calm her down, Renjun placed his hand on top of hers. He held her gaze, hoping that his touch would reassure his daughter. “I want you to know that you don’t have to be afraid of being honest with us. For me and your Appa, you’ll always be our daughter, okay? And we’ll love you, even if you have mistakes on your exam or broke your toy. No matter what, you’ll always be our little star, so don’t ever think we’ll leave you, okay?”
Byeol dropped her crayon on the small rectangular edge of her easel and tackled Renjun in a hug. She sobbed against Renjun’s shoulder and nodded. “Okay, Papa. I love you so much.”
It always warmed Renjun’s heart when Byeol would say those three words without either him or Jaemin prompting her to say them back.
“I love you, too, baby. Don’t be scared to tell me or your Appa what you feel, okay?”
“Okay.”
Renjun squeezed his precious little star in his embrace and pulled away to give her a kiss on the cheek.
It was precious moments like these that made him grateful that he pulled through with wanting to become a parent. Since the day Byeol came into their world, Renjun was always grateful for her, for enriching their lives with her light as much as she did.
He would do whatever it took to make sure his precious daughter would grow up with as much love as they could give.
🌟
Little by little, Jaemin and Renjun could see the improvement in how Byeol would handle failure and deal with her feelings.
They didn’t think it was possible that she would shine brighter than ever before when she became more and more expressive with them and the people around her.
When Jaemin or Renjun’s parents would come to visit, they would often comment on how Byeol was starting to show more traits of Jaemin and Renjun. She’d be affectionate around her grandparents. Her affection was more akin to how Jaemin was when he was little, Jaemin’s mother had told them. When Byeol would speak her mind, Renjun’s mother would say it was like seeing a mini Renjun.
Renjun and Jaemin’s parents adored Byeol and spoiled her, whenever they visited her home. They were grateful for how their parents were so loving around Byeol and treated her like all their other blood-related grandchildren.
Every time Byeol heard that her grandparents would come and visit, she would always ask Jaemin if she could help out with the cooking, so she could boast to her grandparents that she made the meals especially for them.
It was adorable. Just like Renjun and Jaemin, their parents were generous with their praises for Byeol, always showing her love whenever they can.
By then, Renjun and Jaemin felt lucky that they grew up with parents who were able to teach them how to love so beautifully—freely and unconditionally.
It was also the way they wanted their daughter to learn how to love as well.
🌟
“Papa! I want to be Anya for Halloween,” Byeol said.
“Oh?”
Anya was a character from Spy x Family, an anime Renjun watched every weekend, which Byeol also took an interest in. They would watch it together, and often, Byeol would imitate her famous “ waku waku ” (exciting!) catchphrase to the amusement of Renjun (and also Jaemin).
The preschoolers had their annual Halloween party at the end of October, and that year was going to be Byeol’s first.
Renjun, being the doting father that he was, couldn’t really say no to her. Not when he wanted to see his daughter in the costume, too. With that, he went on the internet to look for an Anya costume and wig for his daughter (as well as a Loid costume for Jaemin). The Halloween costume wasn’t exactly a parent-and-child event. The Loid costume for Jaemin was pure self-indulgence for Renjun.
A week before the Halloween party, Jaemin received the package at home. Byeol, excited to try on her Anya costume, pleaded with Jaemin to open it. When he did, he was surprised to see a suit that was too large to be Renjun’s size.
“Oh! Oh! Papa said we’d dress together, Appa,” Byeol beamed a smile.
“He did now, didn’t he?” Unaware of Renjun and Byeol’s plan, Jaemin sent Renjun a message, notifying him that they opened the package and were about to try it on.
[Jaemin]
Babe? The package is here
[Renjun]
Great! Thanks, babe.
[Jaemin]
So…when were you going to tell me about your whole roleplaying plan?
[Renjun]
Roleplaying?
[Jaemin]
When do you want to fuck Loid Forger? :)
[Renjun]
NA JAEMIN IM AT WORK!!!! IN A SCHOOL !!!!
ALSO!!! MY INTENTIONS ARE PURE !!!!
[Jaemin]
Sure they are, Love. I’ll send pictures
[Renjun]
NOTHING NSFW YOU FIEND!!!!
[Jaemin]
Love you babycakes ;)
“Appa, you’re smiling…” Byeol pointed out. “Are you excited to wear the costume?”
“Oh yes, Byeollie. Come on. Let’s put on the costume and send a picture to Papa.”
To Jaemin’s relief, the costume fit pretty well. It was made of pretty thick material, which was perfect for the fall season. Renjun had bought a blonde wig to match the outfit, but Jaemin didn’t really feel like wearing it yet. His husband would just have to wait for the party to see Jaemin in full costume.
On the other hand, Byeol’s costume fit her well, too. Jaemin helped her put on the wig and the clips before snapping a photo and sending it to Renjun.
[Renjun]
YOU BOTH LOOK SO CUTE!!! DON’T TAKE THEM OFF UNTIL I GET HOME ><
[Jaemin]
I have a meeting at 5 LOL. I’ll tell Byeol.
🌟
“Jaemin, why are you in a Halloween costume, too?” One of the mothers, Mrs. Kim, asked during the Halloween party.
“Oh. Byeol wanted to dress up as a character from her favorite show and my husband thought it would be fun if I dressed up as the character’s father,” Jaemin managed a smile.
“Oh, you look really good!” Mrs. Kim said, “The make-up is really well done.”
“Thanks. My husband really went all out,” Jaemin replied.
Renjun spent most of the morning making sure that Byeol and Jaemin would look the best at the Halloween party. He got up early and told Jaemin to take a bath at six o’clock and then quickly make breakfast. Byeol got up at seven and once she finished showering and putting on her dress, Renjun helped Byeol with her wig and clips. Afterward, he painted her face with makeup. Renjun was fully committed to making sure that Byeol looked similar to the character.
And she did!
Not to be biased, but Jaemin really thought his husband did a good job and Byeol looked like the best-looking one out of her whole class (okay, it was a little biased. Sure, one of her classmates, Shiro, looked pretty cool as No Face from Spirited Away, but that’s beside the point).
When Jaemin finished his morning duties, Renjun also did his wig and makeup. Not that he needed to do a lot anyway (as per Renjun). You look handsome as you are , Renjun said and gave Jaemin a quick kiss on the lips.
In the background, they could hear their daughter make gagging noises, unashamed to show her disgust at their public display of affection. She was at that age, unfortunately.
Renjun then spent fifteen minutes snapping pictures of them before they ate breakfast.
It was nice to see both Byeol and Renjun having the time of their lives. Nothing has filled him with greater joy.
When they arrived at the classroom, they could hear Byeol’s classmates cheering for her and Jaemin. Her classmates kept asking to take a picture of her and Jaemin in costume. The pair were a hit with the mothers as well.
Byeol spent most of the day smiling and laughing with her classmates, a sight that Jaemin wanted to remember forever. He took multiple pictures of Byeol and her friends that filled his gallery.
That day, Byeol was awarded “Best Halloween Costume” to the raging applause of everyone in her class.
🌟
“Appa, Papa, here!” Byeol handed them each a flower made of crepe paper and straw with a letter that had crayon drawings in the front. They could make out Byeol’s illustration of Renjun, Jaemin, Byeol, and BB with their house in the background.
“Oh? Did you make this for us, Byeollie?” Jaemin grinned.
Byeol nodded, “For Parents’ Day!”
“You’re so sweet,” Renjun pecked her cheek, and Jaemin did the same.
Jaemin pointed at the drawing of the man who was taller than the rest and gave Renjun a cheeky grin, “That’s me,” which resulted in Jaemin getting elbowed by Renjun.
“Don’t follow that, okay, honey?” Renjun smiled at Byeol, hoping his daughter would heed his words.
Jaemin and Renjun opened the card together and read Byeol’s letter.
Dear Appa and Papa,
Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. You are always so nice to me. You gave Byeol a nice home and BB. I love Papa and Appa most in the world! I’m always happy when I’m with you. My most precious Appa and Papa!
Love,
Hwang Byeol
Renjun couldn’t help himself when the tears began forming in his eyes. They had gone a long way. Their daughter had become such a huge part of their lives that he wouldn’t give it up for the world. He quickly wrapped his arms around Byeol and thanked her, too, for choosing them, for choosing to open her precious heart to them.
Jaemin joined in on the hug, cooing at how emotional Renjun was after reading the letter. To Jaemin, his daughter’s words filled him with so much warmth more than any summer’s day. He wouldn’t give up their journey for the world.
BB barked at them to grab their attention. He then wriggled his way to join in on the hug, making them all laugh.