Chapter Text
Chuuya Nakahara was not perfect.
It was a fact he’d known all his life.
He’d grown up in a loving household surrounded by family and friends, and yet in all his eighteen years of living Chuuya couldn’t feel more detached from his humanity. Sure he was happy, but sometimes he couldn’t help but subconsciously search for answers to questions that no person his age should worry about.
He pondered theories about alternate universes, the afterlife, if all human actions and interactions were predetermined by some higher power. Each of them shook him to his core, but they also thrilled him.
Maybe this habit is how he constantly found himself second guessing the worlds soulmate system, in which every individual would receive the initials of their soulmate on their wrist at the ripe age of eighteen.
It’s harder for him to remember now when he was ever excited about receiving the definitive mark.
Fifteen years ago, he met Osamu Dazai. The shitty bandaged brat who lived next door to him. He remembers all the awkward ‘hi's and ‘hello’s they’d mumble out whenever their parents organised friendly gatherings. They’d genuinely hoped that Chuuya and Dazai could befriend one another. After all, they were the same age and had no other friends in the neighbourhood. It was an easy win, right? A best friend for life is just handed to you on your doorstep every time your mother decides she wants to talk “grown-up-stuff” with their mother.
He remembers officially meeting Dazai in the schoolyard when they were five years old. Chuuya walked up to the boy and not so gracefully began to question his appearance.
“Why do you look like that?”
He cringes at the memory.
They sat there for hours underneath a tree, conversing about things that five year olds would. Soon one conversation turned into two, and then into five, and then they started sitting together in the art rooms, and they’d be partners for arts-and-crafts, and then they started asking their parents for playdates.
Then they started elementary school, and they had somehow managed to be in the same class all six years. The two had been responsible for starting school-wide games of tag that had always managed to end with at least one kid going to the nurses office.
Back then, holding hands didn’t mean all that much to Chuuya. He was just keeping his dearest friend close.
Junior high was memorable. They’d always be partners for group projects, always seated next to each other, constantly babbling on and on in the middle of their classes until the teachers just couldn’t take it anymore.
They managed to get around three teachers fired, one for suspicious allegations, and two that Dazai just didn’t like. Another four either retired or just quit because the pair had ultimately decided to make their lives a living hell for as long as they walked the school grounds.
He remembers when his chest started thrumming at even the sight of Dazai. It frightened him. No matter how stupid the thought seemed, he wondered if distancing himself would help.
Chuuya started making new friends, Dazai chose not to.
Eventually they didn’t even need to ask the other’s parents to let them come over, they could just walk through the other's front door with or without them, rummage through their pantry and sit at the kitchen counter talking to their parents.
Dazai’s house had always been like a second home to Chuuya.
He remembers when Dazai’s mother left.
Chuuya always had the feeling that she didn’t like him very much. She had never said anything directly to him, but she always acted on edge around him. It was evident that his presence alone was disliked by her. That didn’t matter, because he didn’t like her either. And neither did Dazai.
When she left, the world didn’t crumble, Dazai seemed upset, sure. Losing familiarity or just someone you considered a part of your family isn’t something you’re going to recover from in a matter of seconds. But it didn’t have too much of a big impact.
Even their father, Mori, who in comparison considered Chuuya one of his own, managed four kids all on his own. Save for the help of Sakunosuke, his oldest son who was around eighteen at the time.
Highschool rolled around and they were still close, spending their afternoons in each other's bedrooms. That’s when their friendship became more intimate, somehow. Chuuya would have to fight himself to keep his hands under his head whenever they slept in the same bed, opposed to five years ago, where Chuuya would throw himself on top of Dazai, and wrap the poor kid in a bear hug.
Eventually, Chuuya couldn’t fight the urge and let himself embrace Dazai when he slept over, and Dazai allowed it. He didn’t push Chuuya away with disgust, he didn’t tell him no, he let him, and he reciprocated. So he selfishly allowed himself to relish in it.
It hurt.
It hurt holding his best friend like this, and for a while he didn’t know why.
It hurt because - he wanted it. He wanted to hold Dazai like that even before he knew, but now he did know, and he wanted it more than ever. He wanted it to be okay, to be a normal thing. To not feel like there was some sort of all-known secret or an obvious fact that both of them were aware of but neither wanted to address.
It hurts to want someone you can't have. Whether it’s because you don’t want to ruin a friendship that’s been going on for so long and is probably the one thing in life that you’ve never had to worry about losing, or because of the soulmate system that their society has come to accept.
He wished that Dazai held the same sentiment for Chuuya as he did for Dazai.
If Chuuya’s family weren’t overseas during their vacations, then he’d be devoting his time to his best friend. That was until he’d started going out with other friends as well.
Dazai had other friends too, Yosano and Ranpo, who were both first years like themselves. Chuuya had met them a couple times and they were nice people. But Dazai didn’t like some of Chuuya’s friends, plus he still talked to Akutagawa who wasn’t necessarily a “good friend” back in junior-high.
So sometimes Chuuya would hang out with these other friends, and Dazai never complained about it (except for Akutagawa, who Chuuya just wanted to give a second chance.)
He didn’t realise how many times Dazai had turned down other friends or chose not to make plans, in hopes that Chuuya would spend time with him.
Chuuya just wanted distance, right? To allow himself to process the things he was feeling. That’s all.
Yet he found himself drifting, pulling away from Dazai. To the point where even when he’d hold the younger boy in his arms it felt like there was a wall in front of them, like they were trapped in their separate boxes with no way to reach each other.
The upcoming deadline for the day where they both knew this would have to end approached, Chuuya’s birthday. He’d receive the initials of his soulmate and then Dazai would reject his unspoken wants, and he’d have to move on with his life. It had become so normal for them to occupy their time in each others arms, and the thought of losing that was so frightening to him.
He was so fucking scared.
Leading up to it, he’d notice his best friend had been acting…off. While he had been attempting to emotionally distance himself from Dazai, causing his feelings to grow stronger with longing for the other, he’d easily noticed Dazai talking less, not being as sociable as usual. Which wasn’t much, but it was a lot for Chuuya.
And when Dazai started crying the day before his birthday, Chuuya felt his whole world come to a halt. He didn’t know why Dazai was so upset, he didn’t understand why. And part of him didn’t want to understand. It would hurt less if he didn’t understand.
He asked, pleaded to know what was wrong, but Dazai wouldn’t budge. Curse him for being a fortress. Chuuya had known his every secret since they were kids, but now it felt like those early stages of their friendship where Dazai used to lie just so Chuuya wouldn’t leave him alone during recess, not realising that Chuuya would’ve stayed anyways.
Dazai wouldn’t tell him what had made him so upset, perhaps it was better if he let it rest.
As the red numbers on the digital clock flash twelve am, Chuuya hears his family cheering from downstairs. Immediately, he feels a buzzing in his wrist. Not on, but inside. Like there’s some unknown force rattling underneath it, imprinting on him as would a felt pen on paper.
Looking down at his wrist, he now sees the gold writing, and before he can stop himself he gasps. Momentarily forgetting Dazai is in front of him, his eyes widen and he can feel the heavy wetness behind his eyes. He’s about to cry and he’s wondering why it’s not from joy.
This can’t be real, right?
He’s so confused, and he’s so scared.
He wanted things to be the same. He wanted his best friend to be just that. He doesn’t want things to change, he doesn’t want Dazai to reject him, especially considering that the universe isn’t giving him a choice.
D.O stares back at him in perfect gold writing, and Chuuya feels his entire world crash down, even while his entire world is sitting across from him.
He raises his head to shamefully meet the eyes of the one person he wants more than anything in the world, and offers him an awkward lift of the lips.
“Neh? Surely they can’t be that bad Chibi.” Of course Dazai scuffs it out immediately. He needs an excuse, anything just so that he can clear his head and think. “What, are they taller than you or something? I mean- it wouldn’t be that hard bu-”
“No- I, Um… I’ve never met anyone with these initials before. No one I can think of, that’s all.” It’s a lie, a poor one. It’s so blatantly half-assed and he knows Dazai knows it.
“Chuuya’s a liar.”
But he stays on the defensive, no matter how much it aches him to have to lie. “I’m not, it’s true!” He wants so desperately to tackle Dazai, hug him, kiss him, even. He should be over the moon about this, but he’s looking at Dazai, and he can see how unfazed he is. He wants to know who Chuuya’s soulmate is, he doesn’t expect it’s him.
He doesn’t want him.
“Liar, liar, liar.” Dazai continues. “Chuuya is a liar.” He all but sings out, and Chuuya breaks
“Fine! Fuck! I just don’t want this person as my soulmate, okay?!” He swears that the whole world has gone silent. There's no white noise or anything, not even the sound of the cars outside.
Dazai then asks, “...Why not?” and suddenly Chuuya can feel the entire world speeding up again, it’s going too fast and his head is spinning. Like it’s speeding towards him and there's nothing he can do.
“Because, Dazai!” He doesn’t mean to yell, “Sometimes people just want things to stay the same, I don’t want this!” He’s horrified that this is actually happening. This is his reality, the one he dreamed of and yet is terrified of. His throat feels like it’s closing up and it's getting harder to even inhale, “I don’t- I don’t want to-”
“Chuuya, breathe.”
“I can’t Dazai! I can’t! This isn’t-! This is ruining everything!” He doesn’t want this to be his reality. He just wants to be able to look at Dazai without wanting Dazai to look at him. He doesn’t want to have these feelings. He doesn’t want to realise that Dazai doesn’t want him, and yet he already knows.
“Nothing is ruined Chibi!” And Dazai is so convinced that everything is going to be okay, he doesn’t know just how terrifying this is. He’s trying to console Chuuya, and he almost smiles at the effort. But Dazai has no idea just how bad this is, and that’s not his fault.
He feels wetness on his cheeks and he realises he’s really crying and poor Dazai must be so confused. “You…you don’t know that. Everything is ruined, Dazai. I don’t want them to be my…”
He doesn’t want Dazai to be his soulmate.
He wants to be Dazai’s best-friend, his closest-friend, because he knows there's no way that Dazai would see him in any other light. If he can’t have Dazai he wants to be as close as he can get.
Dazai pulls him into a hug, which Chuuya selfishly sinks into. Suddenly he’s completely surrounded by Dazai and he wants to cry even more because at this point it’s like he’s just being taunted. “It’s alright Chuuya. We can work this out. We have all the time in the world.” He knows that last part isn’t true, but he’s too tired to correct him.
For once Chuuya knows something life changing, months before Dazai ever will.
It’s a fact they both need to be aware of eventually, but if Chuuya can have this with Dazai for as long as possible before Dazai ultimately rejects him, realising that Chuuya hasn’t seen him as “just a friend” for a long time now, then he’ll take it.
Chuuya Nakahara is so incredibly selfish, and yet he can’t find it in himself to try to change.