Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hyunwoo lived in a small seaside town, where the summer breeze blew almost the entire year. From the second-floor balcony of his house, Hyunwoo could see the waves crashing on the shore, could smell the salt and hear the seagulls screaming over his roof. That was peace, for him.

One of the things Hyunwoo liked the most was walking on the beach after school, hand holding with his grandma. The doctor said she needs to do some exercises, his father told him, and asked if Hyunwoo could walk with her. Obviously, he agreed. He loved grandma.

But then she passed away. Sleeping. She wasn’t sick, it was just because of her age. Hyunwoo didn’t cry. He thought grandma wouldn’t like to see him sad, so consoled himself with the thought she could be walking on a beach somewhere, a more beautiful one, if it existed. For Hyunwoo, their beach would always be the best.

A couple months after his grandmother passed, a few weeks before his ninth birthday, his parents sat with him and told him they’d be moving out.

To the capital, his mother said, caressing his face. Hyunwoo nodded, but did not understand.

We’re going to live in another city. It means you’ll be moving schools, too, his father explained. We'll be staying here until the end of the school year, so you won’t miss anything.

Are we going to come back?, Hyunwoo asked. Something bad was starting to form inside his stomach, and he felt like crying.

No, not for a while, baby bear, his mother stroked his hair, and his father kissed his forehead.

🐚

Hyunwoo remembers his friends getting sad at that. Their parents talked with his parents – the adults were just as close as their children. The mothers then planned a small party, with some food, some sweets. A barbecue, the dads wanted.

It was a mixture of everything. Everybody was there giving Hyunwoo a big hug, playing with him. He never knew goodbyes could be so happy – he was still thinking of his grandma.

His father made him take pictures with everybody. Memories, he said. One day you’ll look back and remember this moment with happiness. So Hyunwoo smiled his best smile, puffed out his chest, and wondered if the future-Hyunwoo would really remember all that.

As the party was coming to an end, a small voice called Hyunwoo’s name. He was busy sitting on the house entrance, feeling the summer breeze dry his sweat. From that place he could kinda see the beach, down the road. It wasn’t a nice view like the one he would have in his parents' room, but it was enough.

Hyunwoo turned around and saw a small boy coming in his direction. He wasn’t in his class, was younger, but was always around. Kihyun, his name. He had big eyes and dark hair, small hands and a pointy nose. His brother was even smaller, his mother worked as a florist, and their fathers were friends since they were kids. They lived at the end of the street, right where the asphalt made a turn to the lower part of the city.

Hyunwoo and Kihyun played together almost daily. If he was being honest, he could not think of a moment in his life where the younger boy wasn't around.

His skin wasn’t like Hyunwoo’s, tanned and shiny – Kihyun was paler, easily flushed. When they went to the beach, Kihyun always wore a big blue hat, stopping every now and then to reapply the sunscreen he carried in a small bag. He said his mother didn’t want him to get a sunburn, and Hyunwoo understood. They played, but only Hyunwoo rolled on the sand; Kihyun sat and stared at him with a grimace. When Hyunwoo used to run in the direction of the sea, Kihyun liked to feel the water between his toes and get small rocks and colorful shells.

Hyunwoo liked Kihyun. He sometimes acted like a big brother instead of a younger one, but he was nice company.

“Hi”, he greeted him back. He made space for the smaller boy to sit beside him at the entrance.

“What are you doing?” Kihyun asked. Hyunwoo noticed he had his hands behind his back and sat in a way he couldn’t see them.

“I’m watching the beach", Hyunwoo answered.

“Did you like the party?”

Hyunwoo nodded. “A lot.”

“I liked it, too", Kihyun said, and Hyunwoo smiled at him. It was the moment he showed his hands, and Hyunwoo saw a bouquet of flowers.

It wasn’t big. Just two flowers, maximum, but it was prettily wrapped. Probably Kihyun’s mother who did it.

Hyunwoo’s eyebrows shot up, and he blinked several times before taking the small bouquet as delicately as possible. His mother sometimes complained he was a little brute, so he tried hard not to ruin the nice work Kihyun’s mother did.

“Flowers?”

Kihyun smiled so widely that small dimples appeared on top of his cheeks.

“Aren’t they nice?” He asked, and Hyunwoo nodded. “Momma said they’re delicate.”

Delicate.

“What does it mean?” Hyunwoo asked.

Kihyun shrugged. “Things that are small. And pretty. Can hurt easily… They’re delicate.”

Hyunwoo nodded.

He remembered a time where they were climbing the rocks to watch the sea. It was windy, and Hyunwoo got a little excited, forgetting Kihyun needed his help.

The younger boy ended up falling and hurting his knees. Hyunwoo felt panic for the first time. He had never seen blood before, and never seen Kihyun cry, but the smaller one was soon up on his feet, wiping his runny nose and tears with a small fist.

It’s going to get infected, he said. Hyunwoo didn’t understand what he meant by that, but it seemed serious. Let’s go home.

Later, Hyunwoo’s mother gave him a huge scolding. Said he couldn’t climb the rocks in any circumstance, especially when he was with Kihyun.

Kihyun is smaller, she said. And you’re not acting like a hyung.

It hurt. Hyunwoo went to Kihyun’s house and bowed lots of times to his parents, to him and even to his baby brother, even to his small dog. Everything in Kihyun’s house seemed small.

He also remembered later that year, during Chuseok, when Kihyun was dressed in a green hanbok. Hyunwoo was wearing one, too, but it was orange. They ate at Kihyun’s house and then went to the festival downtown. His mother made him and Kihyun hold hands when they asked if they could play, and Hyunwoo promised to take care of Kihyun because he was older, so he should be responsible.

Kihyun smiled at him and said, thank you, hyung, while his small fingers squeezed Hyunwoo’s hand. Hyunwoo blushed then, and blushed now.

“Thank you”, he said.

“I’m going to miss you, hyung.” Kihyun smiled at him. There were two teeth missing; Hyunwoo was there when they fell.

“Me, too.”

Kihyun blinked. He seemed surprised at that.

“You will?”

Looking from the small white flowers with yellow in the middle and then to Kihyun, again, he noticed his hands were folded in his lap, small fingers nervously playing with each other. His big eyes were shining, looking attentively.

If 'delicate' means small, pretty and can hurt easily, then, Kihyun is delicate, too.

Hyunwoo hummed. “I will.”

🐚

The capital wasn’t bad, but wasn’t good, either. Hyunwoo missed the sound of the waves during the quietness of the nights, missed the sand between his toes, missed the rocks, the breeze, the seagulls. Missed the ice cream near the beach, missed the humidity, missed the sun permanently tanning his skin.

But he adapted. What are human beings, if not the most adaptable creatures?

Hyunwoo entered a new school, made a few friends but never got much closer to them. Entered the swim team. He missed swimming in the sea, so a pool was the closest thing to it. He had nice grades, not the best, but sufficient, so his parents didn’t complain.

Later, he graduated. Elementary school, high school, college. Went for Economics. There wasn’t anything he really wanted to do, so he chose math, which was something he was quite good at.

He moved out of his parents’ home at twenty-three. Shared his apartment with friends from college, all younger than him, which was a bit funny.

There was Jooheon. He was enthusiastic and energetic, graduated in Music. Liked sports, the reason why he and Hyunwoo met in the first place, and had dimples. He walked around the apartment singing out loud American raps and Michael Jackson’s songs and liked to watch music shows on the TV. Hyunwoo usually watched with him, and they had fun trying to memorize the choreographies.

During Junior year, Jooheon started dating Changkyun, a Freshman, who majored in Mechanical Engineering and knew how to hack computers. He was quiet and terribly shy, with catlike manners; but seemed like another person when around Jooheon. His smiles were brighter, laugh louder, and his cheeks were always flushed.

There was also Hyungwon. Hyungwon, who slept twenty hours straight (Hyunwoo thought he was dead) and disliked green food. He majored in Law, only wore oversized clothes and was a menace in the kitchen. Jooheon introduced them. Him and Hyunwoo matched a lot – not very fond of talking too much, but understood what the other was saying with a mere look. And like Jooheon, he dated someone completely different.

Minhyuk, majoring in Visual Arts, had colorful hair and the loudest voice Hyunwoo ever heard. He talked, talked, talked, and never seemed tired – but Hyunwoo liked the way he knew lots of random things, sometimes useless, sometimes interesting. Hyungwon looked at him like he had hung the stars on the sky and Hyunwoo had fun with them.

It was basically them five. Hyunwoo never bothered with being the only single person in his group of friends. He heard and sometimes saw things he didn’t want (Hyungwon and Minhyuk were very physical, and sincerely, Hyunwoo could die without hearing how hard Minhyuk liked things), but that was the only bad part.

Work was also fine. He worked in a firm, the same in which Hyungwon advocated. He dealt with numbers during his entire day, and it wasn’t something he liked much doing, but it was fine, it was enough.

Everything was okay.

Until Hyunwoo’s father got sick.

He was tired, he said, and stopped working a while before. The doctor said the treatments were good, that he was going to be one-hundred-percent soon, but he wasn’t. He started getting worse.

So Hyunwoo’s mother decided they didn’t want to live in the capital anymore. Too much stress, too much pollution. Hyunwoo’s father deserved a place to rest.

They’d move back to the seaside.

The news made something awake in Hyunwoo. Memories that were buried deep down his mind, in dusty places he hadn’t visited since childhood. Being thirty, now, it marked twenty-one years since he last put his foot on the sand, felt the summer breeze, and an avalanche of memories suddenly hit him.

🐚

Two days before his parents moved, Hyunwoo couldn’t sleep. Something was bothering him.

He rises from the bed but doesn’t feel like getting out of the bedroom. Jooheon is out, Minhyuk is spending the night over, and he doesn’t want to risk hearing something if he sits in the living room to watch something on TV. Hyungwon's room is right next to it.

So Hyunwoo takes some deep breaths, and turns the nightstand lamp on. He frowns, resting his back against the headboard, and stays like this for what seems like hours.

Suddenly, something hits him.

Hyunwoo gets up from the bed and opens his wardrobe. The highest shelf, reserved for random things he never used, snowcoats and college textbooks, calls his attention for some reason he doesn’t know to pinpoint.

He rummages through it, and finally finds it.

A box. A wooden box, dusty and old. The box where he used to keep some things when he was a child.

Hyunwoo sits on his bed again, the box on his lap. He’ll probably need to wash his hands after looking at the interior of it, but he doesn’t care much at the moment.

Opens the box, the clasp creaks, the product of not being used for too many years. Inside, there are lots of pictures and notebooks. Shells, colorful rocks. An old tube of lipstick his grandma liked to use. A medal his father won when played football, when he was young, a flower hair clip his mother used a lot. The ID badge from his first school, his maternity bracelet.

Hyunwoo snorts. All those are small things that somehow carried lots of meanings, and he wonders, amused, what the kid-Hyunwoo thought when put everything inside this box. He can’t remember, now.

He takes the pictures, curious. What kind of memories his small-self wanted to keep?

Some are blurry, some aren’t; some are torn apart, as if ripped from somewhere else. Hyunwoo doesn’t doubt he indeed ripped it. He was never very gentle, his mother always complained about it.

There is Hyunwoo with his grandma, with his parents. With someone’s dog. At the beach, sitting on the sand, waving at the camera with seawater reaching his chest. Him holding an ice cream that melted and ran down his arm. Him, smiling. Him with the school uniform. Him wearing a Santa Claus hat. Him riding a bike.

Hyunwoo doesn’t remember them pretty well. Just normal moments in life, a life that was bathed in sunlight and summer, ocean water and tanned skin. Hyunwoo is still tanned, a tad bit darker than his friends, but nothing much. He remembers not wearing shirts during July and August, barefoot, running down the road that led to the beach with friends on his heels, the sweat and salt, the sound of waves hitting the shore during the night. His grandma telling him to run as fast as possible and then come back, the effort his muscles did, trying to win against fluffy sand, shrimps and fish and sunsets watched on the balcony of his parents’ bedroom.

Hyunwoo didn’t realize how much he missed that until now. Missed the seaside city he was born and partially raised in.

His parents moving back seemed like a nice idea. Hyunwoo would love to live there after working his entire life, to enjoy, to relax. His father deserved it, especially now.

Smiling a bit to himself, Hyunwoo takes a small notebook that proved to be a photo album. Inside, there is kid-him, again, smiling openly with arms around a boy’s shoulder. Turning the page, Hyunwoo reads in his mother’s handwriting, farewell, Seokjin, and the year.

Doing the math, Hyunwoo counts he was nine at the time. Seokjin, it said, must be the name of the boy beside him. He doesn’t really remember him, but kid-Hyunwoo seemed happy, Seokjin seemed happy, so it’s okay.

There are lots of other pictures of him with various kids, and soon the memory of a small party being thrown when they moved cities rose from the depths where it lied. Classmates, Hyunwoo reasons, some faces more familiar than others, but Hyunwoo kinda remembers all of them, too.

Turning the last page, he’s surprised to see two dried flowers taped over it, a white paper around it. Trying hard not to break the tape, Hyunwoo uses his nails to pull it and reveal the picture underneath, frowning.

It is him, both arms around a smaller boy’s neck. Hyunwoo wasn’t smiling as brightly as he was in the others – it seemed a little shier. The boy with him had a huge smile, eyes almost closed, holding his forearms, dark hair parted showing his forehead.

Kihyun, thank you for the flowers!, Hyunwoo’s mother wrote.

And Hyunwoo stares at the picture until it’s burned in his brain.

Kihyun.

Hyunwoo remembers Kihyun.

They used to play a lot. He lived down the street. His father was friends with Hyunwoo’s father. He wonders if they continued in contact after that, after they moved to the capital. Remembers Kihyun didn’t like the sun but was always at the beach with Hyunwoo, didn’t like big adventures but still went where Hyunwoo wanted to go, knew a lot of things about nature, and had small hands.

The rocks and the shells inside the box – Kihyun gifted him with those. Remembers him dressed in hanbok, the big beach hat, bruised knees, ice cream, loud laughs, frowns and being called hyung.

Hyunwoo takes a deep breath.

It must be the dawn, the sleep deprivation, the distant memory of summer and childhood happiness, that makes him grab his phone and text his mother, I’m helping you move, and then his boss, saying he’ll need a couple days break to help his father.

He doesn’t put the box back on the shelf. It stays on his bedside table.

🐚

March isn't summer, but when you live in the sunnier side of the country, it is.

Hyunwoo opens the door of his car and gets out before his father does, taking a turn around it and opening the door for him. He thanks his son with a small smile, holding onto his arm, struggling to keep himself upright.

Hyunwoo does the same to his mother on the backseat, and she hurries to take the wheelchair from the trunk, so his father can be more comfortable. The city is steep, perched in a mountain, and it’s dangerous, so the wheelchair helps him to move more comfortably.

Ironically, the house where his parents are going to live is exactly the same house where Hyunwoo grew up. His mother said a family lived there but they moved out two months earlier. It helped his parents to make the decision of coming back.

The entrance isn't blue anymore but yellow, and the interior is different, too. Empty, at the moment, but the moving truck is scheduled to arrive at the end of the afternoon.

Hyunwoo takes the other stuff from the trunk and the backseat. Some books, clothes. Personal things that his parents didn’t want to be apart from, even if it was during the four-hours trip. He and his mother put the boxes inside what was the living room, and Hyunwoo feels a little overwhelmed with nostalgia, suddenly.

“Go on”, his mother smiles, pushing his father. He’s smiling, too – a little tired, but still nice. “Take a look around.”

Hyunwoo snorts. He puts both hands on the pockets of his pants. Sniffs the smell of sea and sand and sun, hears a few cars and people passing, but the waves are still there, in the background.

“Does the second floor still have that balcony?” He asks, and his father nods.

“Now, you’ll be able to see even more”, he says, referring to how much Hyunwoo has grown since the last time he was there.

And he’s right. Hyunwoo enters the bedroom, opens the door of the balcony and is greeted with summery wind and seagulls. It even makes him blush, embarrassed of how happy he is to be back – not completely, not for long, but still back.

Hyunwoo doesn’t know for how long he stares at the view in front of him, but voices on the first floor grab his attention. He then looks at the sea one more time. Takes his phone out of his pocket to snap a picture and sends it to his friends’ group chat (we want lots of pictures!, Minhyuk and Jooheon insisted), and exits his parents’ room.

On the way, he passes by his old room. Opening the door, it’s empty like the rest of the house, but full of memories. He remembers his bed, the pictures of his family on the wall, posters, a football ball on the carpet, the wardrobe full of stickers, a small table with his ancient computer. Hyunwoo was really happy in this place.

Down on the first floor was Hyunwoo’s grandma room. He still doesn’t know what his parents are planning on doing with the space, but the voices grab his attention again and he closes the door of his bedroom, going down the stairs.

There is a couple in the kitchen, talking with Hyunwoo’s parents. When he crosses the doorframe, they turn to him and Hyunwoo’s mother introduces him with a warm smile.

He bows, a bit confused. The woman calls him Hyunwoo-yah, and the man taps between his shoulder blades. They’re small, smaller than his parents, and warm, affectionate. Hyunwoo thinks he saw the woman’s smile somewhere, that he saw her pointy nose before.

They notice Hyunwoo doesn’t remember them and laugh, light and well-humored. He feels a little embarrassed, but the woman dismisses it. Introduces herself, introduces her husband, and what calls his attention is the surname. Yoo. He also thinks he knows it from somewhere.

“You used to play with their kiddo”, his father tells him. Turns to the man (and there’s so much emotion in his father’s eyes; it amuses Hyunwoo), and asks, “How’s Kihyunnie?”

Oh.

“He’s great. Working, at the moment, but his shift will soon be over. He will come visit you, for sure.”

“Please", Hyunwoo’s mother says. “I’ll bake the cake he used to like so much. Hope he still does!”

They continue talking but Hyunwoo doesn’t really pay attention. He’s still looking at the couple and thinking, they’re Kihyun’s parents.

Kihyun, the boy he saw in that picture two nights ago. The boy who gave him flowers. The boy whose frown was present but had a pretty smile. That called him hyung. Whose hands were small.

Overwhelmed, Hyunwoo excuses himself and sits on the house entrance. He observes the waves.

🐚

The moving truck arrives a little past six. Kihyun’s parents help with the boxes, and Hyunwoo has to tell them not to worry because he can build a dining table, can move the couches and install the TV. Changkyun taught him how to install anything you can imagine.

But they insist. They insist, and they stay, and Hyunwoo is glad because his parents seem so happy. He doesn’t remember seeing them this happy since his college graduation.

They order food. Kihyun’s mother says she knows a place where they have the best bulgogi in the city, and Hyunwoo’s mother guesses the name. It’s still the same, as it looks. They wait, sitting in the kinda-empty living room, and talk.

Hyunwoo is the object of the biggest curiosity, of course.

“We knew you since you were this little”, Kihyun’s father says, doing a pinching gesture with one hand. Hyunwoo laughs. “And now, look at you. Taller than all of us together!”

When the clock hits ten in the evening, the couples are still chatting. Twenty years of subject to talk about – they’ll need several nights for it. Hyunwoo thinks it resembles him, as a teenager, and a college student, doing sleepovers and not wanting the night to end.

Suddenly, the bell rings. Hyunwoo rises from his place on the couch to open the door, and looks to the man in front of him, his heart skipping a beat.

He has big eyes and dark hair, pointy nose and small hands that hold a six-pack of beers. Reaches Hyunwoo’s eyes, barely, and it’s obvious he would be smaller, still.

Hyunwoo blushes. He doesn’t know why, but it’s something with the smile and the dimples on top of Kihyun’s cheeks — because it’s obvious it’s Kihyun. He looks exactly the same as the picture from twenty years ago – but maybe sharper, maybe more… intense, but still the same.

“I’m sorry”, he says, bowing deeply. “I know it’s late, but momma said I could still come, so I brought this—” he raises the beer, but Hyunwoo’s eyes don't move. He’s wondering how a grown man can call his mother ‘momma’.

Kihyun blinks at the lack of response. Hyunwoo doesn’t know what to say.

“Hyunwoo-ssi?” The smallest man asks, arching an eyebrow. It is such a familiar gesture. “Can I… come in?”

Hyunwoo nods. Cat got his tongue, apparently.

He steps aside and, silently, gestures for Kihyun to enter. He does, still frowning, his white shoes on the threshold. He’s wearing all white, Hyunwoo notices.

“Thanks”, he answers, small voice, and goes inside.

His mother and father greet him with enthusiasm and Kihyun is suddenly very loud, happily laughing, and hugging Hyunwoo’s parents with lots of care and warmness. He crouches in Hyunwoo’s father's height, holding both his hands, and asks if he’s okay, if he needs something, to what Hyunwoo’s father denies, says he only needs the beer Kihyun brought with him.

Hyunwoo is still standing at the hall, hand still holding the handle of the door he didn’t even close.

“Son, aren’t you joining us?” His father asks, turning a bit around in the wheelchair.

Kihyun looks at him, still smiling but again confused, and Hyunwoo closes the door.

🐚

Kihyun is the object of the questions, then. Hyunwoo doesn’t ask, but his parents do.

He’s a nurse. That’s why he’s wearing all white. He works at the city’s hospital, which is great, he himself says, still sitting close to Hyunwoo’s father, because you can call me whenever, I’ll help you.

Hyunwoo feels gratitude at this. Tries to picture a nurse in the mental-image he has of Kihyun, running around the beach. Wonders if he still collects shells and rocks, if he still reads books too big for his age, if he still likes mint chocolate ice cream and if he still doesn’t like sunbathing. By the way his skin is the same color as his clothes, Hyunwoo presumes yes.

At some point during the night, Kihyun laughs out loud, throwing his head back, and Hyunwoo is hypnotized by the gesture, by the sound. Not even Minhyuk’s loud laugh can compare to how much happiness he sees in Kihyun. He’s so alive, so present. Small as he always was, but big on presence of mind.

Hyunwoo smiles. The beer on his hand is lukewarm, not drinkable anymore, but he doesn’t care. He’s getting drunk on another thing.

🐚

Kihyun only looks at Hyunwoo again when the Yoo couple get up to go home. Late, they say. We’re not young enough to do this. The clock shows past one in the morning.

“I know you’re not staying for long, but if something happens, please call me. Anytime", he says. It makes Hyunwoo blush again, but he knows he shouldn’t, knows he doesn’t mean anything past work. He’s talking about his father's health.

“Sure”, Hyunwoo says.

Kihyun takes a small paper, folded, from his wallet, and gives it to him. Makes the tallest wonder why he’d have his phone number in his wallet like this.

He smiles; it’s pretty, very pretty. Hyunwoo tenses his jaw at the sight.

And then the Yoo family is gone.

“Kihyunnie looks so handsome, now!” Hyunwoo hears his mother talking to his father.

“He still is so polite. Must be a good nurse”, his father agrees.

Hyunwoo looks down and stares at the piece of paper in his hand. Yoo Kihyun, and some numbers written underneath.

The letter is round, delicate. He thinks of the small fingers around a pen, writing. Wonders if Kihyun frowns while doing it.

March isn't summer, but Hyunwoo still takes a cold bath before sleep.

🐚

It’s the middle of the afternoon. Hyunwoo is watching the TV on the couch, some boxes still to be emptied, his mother grocery shopping while his father sleeps. They decided that the room which belonged to his grandmother would now be the couple’s room, because it’s on the first floor. His father can’t go up and down the stairs all the time, it tires him and it’s dangerous. So Hyunwoo is alone on the second floor.

You can get the main room, his mother said during breakfast. His father nodded, looking over the newspaper and his tea. It’ll be empty, and you’re too big for that small room of yours anyways.

Hyunwoo didn’t say anything. There’s the balcony, the balcony he likes so much with the view he likes so much, but it somehow feels wrong. The room isn't his, wouldn’t feel like it. So he said he’d think.

And thinking Hyunwoo is, while watching the TV. There is some sunlight coming from the living room’s window and he wonders if he really enjoyed the beauty of the place before. Probably not. Kids don’t pay attention to those things, and he was a kid when left this town.

His thoughts are disturbed by the sound of the doorbell ringing. He raises up, walks to the door, and his heart stops for a second when it’s Kihyun on the other side again.

“Hi.” He smiles. Now, during the day, it seems even brighter. “I was passing by, and I wondered… If your father needed help, or if you needed anything.”

‘You’ englobes his mother and him, but feels too much like Kihyun is asking him, personally.

Hyunwoo shakes his head. It’s random, doesn’t mean a no nor a yes. “It’s fine. He’s sleeping.”

Kihyun nods. Hyunwoo looks at his hands and they’re in front of his body, small fingers playing with each other nervously. It seems vaguely familiar.

“Shouldn’t you be working?”

Hyunwoo knows nothing about nurses, but it’s the middle of the day, and people usually work during this time. Hospitals are busy. That’s why he asks.

Kihyun blushes a bit. His pale cheeks get a bit rosier, and it’s pretty. Hyunwoo bites back a smile.

“I work twelve hours straight and get thirty-six hours of rest. Today is my rest day”, he explains.

“Is this legal?”

Kihyun laughs. It’s breathy, almost like a chuckle, but it’s nice all the same. “It is.”

Hyunwoo nods.

The silence that stretches between them could be uncomfortable, but he doesn’t really pay attention to it, too busy trying to burn the image of adult-Kihyun in his mind and place it beside child-Kihyun. Suddenly, there are too many memories of the younger man in front of him that Hyunwoo doesn’t know are real or just his mind playing with him.

The same pointy nose. The same dark eyebrows, dark hair. It’s not long anymore but with an undercut, his bangs brushed back, showing his forehead. His mouth is slightly red, which could be anything. He wears a dark gray shirt and black jeans, sneakers. Casual. Hyunwoo wonders what he does during his breaks.

“I was wondering—” Kihyun interrupts his thoughts. “If you’re not busy—”

“I’m not”, Hyunwoo immediately responds, and wants to kick himself for it.

Kihyun laughs again. His eyes turn into half-moons and his teeth are pretty. White, and seem sharp.

“Then, how do you feel about taking a walk?”

“A walk?”

Kihyun nods. “Like the old times.”

The old times, where Hyunwoo’s skin was darker, his hair messier, no worries on his back. When Kihyun was small and ran with him down the streets, called him hyung. When they shared adventures and ate the barbecue their fathers did, played with Kihyun’s small dog. He wonders if the dog is still alive. Probably not.

“Okay”, Hyunwoo agrees.

🐚

The sun is warm in a comfortable way. Still not unbearable, still not unmerciful, so you can stay under it without minding much.

Hyunwoo and Kihyun don't talk. The smaller man seems embarrassed, fidgety. Hyunwoo supposes he should be the one to behave like this, the one who went away, whose city isn't his anymore.

Their eyes meet twice and Hyunwoo feels chills going down his spine. There is something behind Kihyun’s eyes that makes him curious, like he wants to say so much but doesn’t know how.

Kihyun took the first step, went to his house with the excuse to check if everything was fine. Hyunwoo doesn’t want to think much about the reasons behind this gesture, so he lets himself enjoy the company without overthinking it (much).

The streets are all the same. Kihyun shyly points out what changed, but Hyunwoo still remembers everything that remained: the fishmonger, the stationery, the mail, the butcher, the bakery, which now has another store. The house of a person Hyunwoo doesn't recognize by name but isn’t foreign, that he had heard of before.

The beach is also still the same. The sidewalk is different, but the sand isn't; Hyunwoo is gripped by nostalgia stronger than the day before and his fingers start itching, desperate to touch, to feel small fragments of what once were rigid rocks destroyed by erosion.

He takes a loud deep breath like he never breathed pure air before, and Kihyun laughs. He’s watching every reaction. Hyunwoo feels a little vulnerable, exposed, the tips of his ears getting red, but shrugs.

“It’s nice", he simply says.

Kihyun agrees. “Did you miss it?”

Hyunwoo hums. “A lot.”

🐚

They walk. Back and forth. To the most distant spot to come all the way back, near the rocks they used to climb. Hyunwoo asks if Kihyun remembers it, and he does. Says it with a laugh, a laugh that wasn’t there when he fell and hurt his knees.

“I’m sorry”, Hyunwoo apologizes, which is silly; there’s no need to say you’re sorry for something that happened more than twenty-years ago.

Kihyun shakes his head. The sea breeze makes his hair move in a nice way, and the sun is hitting his face in a way that makes him glow prettily.

“These things build character.” He dismisses Hyunwoo’s apology. “I was way too scared back then.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t know where the courage comes, but it makes him ask, “So you’re braver now?”

Kihyun looks at Hyunwoo and he wouldn’t be surprised if the nurse was able to see his entire soul. There’s definitely something behind his dark eyes, not as big as before.

“Maybe I am.”

There’s nothing else to be said, even though Hyunwoo would like to ask one thousand and eighty-two questions. He wants to know how it was, for Kihyun. His school years, college. Why did he choose to become a nurse. What he likes to do, his favorite food. If he still dislikes the sun.

They walk by the sea and get their ankles bathed by the salty water. It’s good, warm, and the breeze makes Hyunwoo’s pores tingle, but he’s not cold. He’s emotional in a way it’s hard for him to be.

At some point, Kihyun crouches down. The waves come and the water splash on his calves, drenches his jeans, but he doesn’t care. His fingers are working diligently, taking the wet sand and putting it on a small pile next to his foot. Hyunwoo observes, observes his small figure bathed by the sun, the small glitters beach seems to deposit on people’s skin, and doesn’t know what to feel.

Kihyun takes a shell under the sand and shows it to Hyunwoo. It’s brown and a bit blue, round, probably the house of some sea animal that isn't there, anymore. Lays in the middle of his hand and shines.

There are dimples on the tops of Kihyun’s cheeks. “Isn’t it delicate?”

Hyunwoo nods. “You still collect small things?”, he finds himself asking.

Kihyun makes a surprised face, like he never imagined Hyunwoo would remember this.

“I do.”

“How did you know there was a shell there?”

“I saw it”, Kihyun answers. He washes it on the sea, stands up, and puts it against his ear.

Hyunwoo frowns. “What are you doing?”

“Listening to the sea.” He extends his hand and gives the shell to Hyunwoo. “Try it.”

The older man thinks it’s weird but shrugs, puts it against his ear, imitating the gesture, and tries to hear. There’s a sound he never heard before, and it really sounds like waves crashing on the shore. Makes him smile, laugh.

“I never knew this was possible.”

“I take the shells and bring them to the kids in the hospital”, Kihyun explains. “If they can’t come to the beach, at least I can bring some of the beach with me.”

Something inside Hyunwoo’s chest tightens. Definitely an answer he wasn’t expecting.

He gives the shell back to Kihyun but the man shakes his head. “You can stay”, he smiles. “It’s a gift. In honor of the old days.”

Hyunwoo’s ears get red. He can blame the sun, but knows it isn’t its fault.

🐚

Hyunwoo puts the shell on his bedside table. He looks and looks and looks at it until his eyes are hurting, and finally goes to sleep.

He dreams of him and Kihyun, walking together hand by hand, toes digging on the sand.

🐚

Kihyun stops by the next day again. He’s wearing a cap turned backwards and the accessory makes him look even younger, and again asks if everything is fine, if they need something.

Hyunwoo’s mother gets the door this time. She hugs him tightly and Hyunwoo observes from the kitchen, where his mother left him responsible for the vegetables. She invites Kihyun inside, asks if he ate, if he would stay for lunch.

Kihyun denies, but Hyunwoo’s mother insists, so he stays. He sits on the opposite side of the small dinner table, right in front of Hyunwoo.

He’s pleasant with his parents. Talks, but never too much, comments politely on stuff. Does jokes at the right moments, makes his father laugh, makes his mother laugh.

Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything because he isn't a man of many words but also because he’s busy paying attention. Kihyun talks a bit of his work, of his colleagues, of friends Hyunwoo should remember but doesn’t, and it has his mother saying who was the child of who. It doesn’t help, but he discovers some are married, some moved out, some aren’t even in Korea, anymore.

When Hyunwoo’s mother is taking the dishes to the kitchen, Kihyun is still finishing his food. He eats slowly. Hyunwoo’s father is talking to him about a TV show he doesn’t watch, so he’s just quietly observing again.

Post-food laziness starts to kick in and he stretches, ending with his long legs bumping against something. Bare feet against socked ones, and Kihyun jumps in his seat.

Their eyes meet and Hyunwoo is apologetic. He is, and deathly embarrassed.

Kihyun only smiles.

🐚

The fourth day, it’s Hyunwoo who meets Kihyun.

He’s coming back from the drugstore. Kihyun is riding a bicycle, passes by him and stops at a red light. He’s wearing a floral shirt and shorts, legs on full display, and Hyunwoo stares so much he thinks he never saw a human leg before.

He crosses the street purposely in front of Kihyun and turns his head with eyebrows up when hears his name being called. Kihyun gets down from the bicycle and Hyunwoo walks back to talk to him, both making sure they’re not in the middle of the street but on the sidewalk.

Kihyun sees the drugstore bag and frowns. Hyunwoo tranquilizes him and says it’s not for his dad, it's for him, he woke up with a sore neck because he’s not used to the pillow.

“Oh, okay.” Kihyun laughs, seeming relieved. The genuine worry he feels towards his father makes Hyunwoo really grateful.

They stay in silence for a bit and Hyunwoo thinks it’s his time to make some conversation. He’s being awfully quiet when Kihyun’s around, and likes the sound of the smaller man’s voice too much not to encourage him to speak.

“Are you doing something today?”

It’s a surprising question. The way Kihyun raises his eyebrows doesn’t hide how he’s surprised to hear it.

“No, no. Just…” He gestures to the bicycle. “Riding.”

A simple word shouldn’t make Hyunwoo’s ears red, but here we are. He coughs, disguises it.

“Would you like to… go for a walk or something?”

Kihyun nods. He seems excited. “We can go to a coffee shop. They have great cakes there.”

Hyunwoo, not one to dismiss a food-date (and date makes him even more flushed), readily agrees.

🐚

The shop is owned by Kihyun’s close friend. Hoseok, the man introduces himself, bright smile and the biggest biceps Hyunwoo has ever seen (and he’s a pretty big man himself). It seems a little weird that such a muscular guy owns a place full of ‘unhealthy’ foods, but he explains it’s a family heirloom and he, in fact, really enjoys baking.

Hoseok serves them the best cakes and coffees. On the house for Kihyunnie’s friend, he winks at them, and Kihyun slaps his arm, hiding his laugh behind his hand.

Hyunwoo frowns at the interaction. Wonders if there’s something else behind it, and feels like leaving, suddenly.

Don’t be ridiculous, he then immediately thinks. If there is, it’s not of your business. You don’t even live here, anyway.

“Something’s wrong?” Kihyun asks when Hoseok goes to serve another table. Hyunwoo mentally curses, hates the fact his face shows everything he's feeling even when he tries to disguise it.

“No, no”, he quickly answers, taking a sip of his coffee. “It’s good, really is. All the cakes are, too.”

“Do you like it?” Kihyun asks. His small hands are over the tabletop, fingers intertwined, and his eyes are big, like he’s expecting something.

“I do.” Hyunwoo nods. “The chocolate one is the best for me.”

“I do, too.” Kihyun smiles, and points at a piece that is already gone. “But mint chocolate is my favorite.”

Hyunwoo smiles. “You still like chocomint?”

Kihyun’s eyebrows go up, and he blushes again. “You remember?”

“Of course I do”, Hyunwoo says, and feels a little embarrassed by the phrasing he chose. “You always asked for that ice cream when we were kids.”

Kihyun laughs. His blush darkens, and it’s so pretty. “I did, yes. Still do.”

And the courage Hyunwoo doesn’t know where it comes from makes him shrug, trying to sound nonchalant as he says, “I can treat you an ice cream, sometime.”

Kihyun blinks. “Yeah?”

“Like the old times.”

There’s a small hand that reaches for a napkin. Hyunwoo looks at it because it’s easier than looking at Kihyun’s eyes.

“I’d love to.”

🐚

“How are things going?” Minhyuk’s loud voice comes from the phone.

“Nice”, Hyunwoo answers. “You would like it, Minhyuk-ah. The weather is still really nice.”

“I’ve never been to the beach.” Minhyuk pouts to Hyungwon. He’s sitting on the younger man’s lap, while Hyungwon’s chin is resting over Minhyuk’s bony shoulder. “Hyungwonnie never took me to the beach.”

“I’ll take you to Jeju this year”, Hyungwon promises, and Hyunwoo rolls his eyes as they share a kiss.

“I’ll hang up.”

“No, wait!” Minhyuk squeaks. “Show us again.”

Hyunwoo smiles and turns the camera. The screen starts showing the sand, the waves and the sun. There are some clouds in the sky and the breeze is a tad bit colder, so Hyunwoo is wearing a jacket, but his legs are still bare, toes covered by a small pile of sand.

“You’re alone on the beach, hyung?” Hyungwon asks, and Hyunwoo turns the camera back to him.

“I am.”

“There was no one to go with you?” Minhyuk asks, frowning.

Hyunwoo shrugs, one arm hugging his knees while the hand holding the phone rests over it.

He’s working, today.

“I like coming here alone”, he lies.

Minhyuk rolls his eyes. “Boring. I bet it's better when you're accompanied.”

Hyunwoo nods, because it is.

🐚

The Yoo family comes to dinner on Friday. Kihyun isn’t working again.

There is alcohol and food and sweets and talking. Hyunwoo’s parents are laughing like teenagers, and Hyunwoo feels very happy with it. They didn’t have many friends in the capital, didn’t go out nor received many guests at home. It was quiet, and now he’s more and more sure that moving back to the seaside was the right decision.

Kihyun sits beside him. At first, Hyunwoo’s mother was sitting there, but she raised up to get a chair for herself and insisted for Kihyun to sit beside Hyunwoo. It’s weird. They shared coffee and cakes and walked side by side on the beach but never really sat beside each other.

Hyunwoo can feel the warmth that comes from Kihyun’s skin. He smells good, like freshly shaved and just something chic. He’s wearing a big blue shirt, too big for his small frame, and sometimes his arm brushes against Hyunwoo’s. It’s unnerving for some reason, and Hyunwoo is more distracted than usual during all the evening, especially when Kihyun’s father makes a joke and Kihyun leans a bit against him in a laughing fit.

Their eyes meet but Hyunwoo doesn’t smile. He doesn’t know what to do, the tips of his ears as red as the wine their parents are drinking.

But Kihyun, Kihyun always smiles. He has been doing it the entire night and in this specific moment it widens, the dimples on the top of his cheeks delicate. His small face is delicate. Hyunwoo remembers it was Kihyun who taught him the meaning of the word.

“Are you okay?” The younger man whispers, low enough so it doesn’t drag the attention of the couples.

Hyunwoo blinks, and nods. “I am.”

He looks at the can of beer on Hyunwoo’s hand. Again, it’s lukewarm; he doesn’t feel like drinking.

“Do you want more beer? I’m going to the kitchen.”

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “Thanks.”

Kihyun nods and rises from the couch putting a hand on Hyunwoo’s knee cap for support; it’s something he wasn’t expecting, so he jumps in his place, ears immediately red. Kihyun gives him another smile and goes to the kitchen, asking if anyone wants something else, receiving negative answers, so it’s only his and Hyunwoo’s beer.

He’s so busy observing Kihyun’s back that doesn’t notice his mother looking at him.

🐚

When it’s time for the Yoo family to go home, Hyunwoo’s mother tells Hyunwoo to accompany them.

“It’s late, and you’re a big and intimidating guy”, she jokes, tapping her son’s chest. He laughs a little awkwardly, but does so.

They still live at the pink house at the end of the street. Kihyun’s parents ask him more things about his life in the capital, about his work. Hyunwoo is happy to answer because it means he can keep his mind occupied with something other than Kihyun looking at him, or ignore the way his knee is still tingling where he was touched.

Somehow, it makes Hyunwoo remember walking around holding Kihyun’s hand when they were kids. Hyunwoo wonders when something so simple became so complicated in his mind.

“Thank you, Hyunwoo-ssi”, Kihyun thanks him when they safely arrive home. His parents are already inside the house. The dim lights of the streets illuminate his face in yellow and he seems pretty like this. He’s always looking pretty.

“You can call me Hyunwoo”, he says, shrugging. Seems too distant to be called so formally. He doesn’t want distance from Kihyun.

The smaller man smiles. “Okay, Hyunwoo.” He makes sure to emphasize the name and Hyunwoo feels shivers running down his spine. “Remember when I called you hyung?”

Hyunwoo does. Of course he does. He remembers many things about Kihyun.

“You can call me like this, too.”

“Oh.” Kihyun’s eyes widen. It’s possible to see he’s blushing, even with the street’s dim lights. Hyunwoo doesn’t know why he blushes. “Okay.”

“Do you still have a dog?” He suddenly asks, peeking inside.

“No, no”, Kihyun laughs, shaking his head. “He passed away a few years ago. Lived a long life, though. Fourteen years.”

Hyunwoo’s eyebrows go up, but he says nothing. Now he’s a bit embarrassed to be in front of the Yoo’s household, but doesn’t know why.

“Good night, hyung.” Kihyun smiles at him, bowing, still respectful. He has always been like this.

“Good night, Kihyun-ah”, Hyunwoo replies, bowing back.

🐚

“Are they home?” Hyunwoo’s mother asks when he passes by the door. His father is watching the TV, not wanting to go to sleep yet, and his mother is washing the dishes, even though Hyunwoo told her he’d do it when he got back.

“Safe and sound”, Hyunwoo nods.

He helps himself to a glass of water before going to sleep. Up the stairs, alone (his father convinced him to take the master bedroom. You always liked the view, he reasoned).

“It’s funny.” His mother chuckles. She looks at her son and sees his frown, confused at the randomness of the statement. “I remember when you were just a kid, running around with Kihyunnie. He always wanted to be next to you, even when you did things he didn’t like.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t answer. Busies himself with another glass.

“Now you’re all grown up, big. You don’t understand, but as a mother, it is something, seeing you like this.”

“Something good or bad?”

“Obviously good.”

“That’s nice.”

His mother laughs. “He still looks at you the same way.”

Hyunwoo’s heart stops for a millisecond. “What way?”

“Like he wants to be like you. Kihyunnie always looked up to you, and not only because you’re taller.” Hyunwoo lets himself smile at it. “But you are looking at him differently, I noticed.”

Hyunwoo’s heart stops for another millisecond. “Different how?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know how to explain. When you were kids, you used to think of him as something to protect. Now, you look at him like he’s the only person in the room.”

Both descriptions make Hyunwoo nervous. He didn’t know this, and tries to search for the meaning of those words behind his mother’s eyes. They don't express anything, and he stays in doubt.

🐚

“Do you still don't like the sun?” Hyunwoo asks.

Kihyun makes a face at him, kinda amused, kinda annoyed. “What makes you think I don’t?”

“You were always wearing hats, and stuff. You were eight and worried about sunscreen.”

“Seems like you’re making fun of me, hyung.”

“I’m not.”

“That’s better.”

Hyunwoo snorts, because Kihyun is sporting a smug smile, and it’s fun. They’re sitting on the sand, watching the sea and talking about random things. The sun is a bit warmer than the last day they were there together, and it’s the way Kihyun keeps putting a hand in front of his eyes to protect them from the sun that made Hyunwoo think of the question.

“Momma used to say if I got a sunburn, I’d be forever red. I was scared, so I was always protecting myself. She only said that because it takes me forever to recover from burns.”

“You were scared of lots of things.”

Kihyun laughs. He’s propping himself on the palms of his hands, bare legs sprawled in front of him, covered in sand, and his shirt has some buttons open, so part of his chest is visible. There are small moles all around his body, and Hyunwoo stares at them like he had never seen a mole on someone’s skin before.

“I like it. Vitamin D is important”, Kihyun answers. He talks so nicely, so smartly. He has always been intelligent. “Do you sunbath a lot, hyung?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “There’s no place to sunbathe back home.”

Weird, he thinks for a second. To say ‘back home’ when I feel like this is where I belong.

Kihyun’s eyebrows go up. He extends a hand, puts it on Hyunwoo’s arm. It’s small, doesn’t go all the way round the bicep, and Hyunwoo stares at it so intensely he’s afraid he’ll burn the younger man’s skin.

“But your tan is so nice”, Kihyun says, small voice. He squeezes the muscle and Hyunwoo unintentionally flexes, making the younger man laugh. “Your arms are, too.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t know what to answer. He’s feeling too many things.

“You probably workout, right?” Kihyun asks.

Hyunwoo remembers he has the ability to talk, use his brain and tongue and vocal chords to produce sounds and answers, “I do.”

Kihyun squeezes his arm one more time and chuckles. The skin tingles where it was touched. “Nice, hyung.”

Hyunwoo knows a flirt when sees one. The sparkle in the smaller man’s eyes is recognizable anywhere; he thinks of his mother saying Kihyun looks up at him like he wants to be him.

So he starts questioning himself: does Kihyun feel the same things he feels when they’re close to each other? When did this start? Why does he make Hyunwoo feel so many things at once, confusing, terrible things he never knew he could feel towards another person? Were these feelings sleeping, waiting for a specific moment to wake up? What if Hyunwoo never came back?

“When are you going home?” Kihyun suddenly asks. He’s staring at some point on the horizon, frowning.

“I took only a few days. Probably by the end of next week”, he answers.

Kihyun nods, changing positions; now hugging his knees, rests his chin over them.

“Tell me about your life there.”

Hyunwoo snorts. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything. Anything”, Kihyun replies. “What is the big city like? Do you have friends there? What do you do on weekends?”

Hyunwoo wasn’t expecting those questions, but feels his heart tightening. There’s a hardness in Kihyun’s stare that has been there since they were kids. It was present especially when Hyunwoo suggested they swim past the limit they were supposed to, when he wanted to do something Kihyun didn’t approve of but did anyway.

So Hyunwoo tells him about his life. About work, about Jooheon and Hyungwon, about Changkyun and Minhyuk. It has the younger man widening his eyes at the mention of my roommates’ boyfriends, and Hyunwoo can’t quite blame him for it. It’s unusual, it’s not very well-seen. He’s only telling Kihyun this because somehow, he knows he’s trustworthy.

And (maybe) because he’s projecting.

Just as he’s explaining Minhyuk’s deep hate of cucumbers and how he and Hyungwon met, Kihyun interrupts him.

“Must be nice to share an apartment with someone.”

Hyunwoo nods. And then, “You don’t have plans on moving out of your parents’ place?”

Kihyun shrugs. “I don’t make much money, and the rent around here is quite expensive. Plus, it doesn't really make much sense to me, to be alone. At least while I have my parents they make my life better.”

Hyunwoo agrees. He would have felt pretty lonely if the other four guys weren’t around.

“So you only would move out if you had a friend to share an apartment with?”

Kihyun nods. “Or a companion.” After a moment, he continues, “Do you… And don’t you have… someone?”

It’s an attempt. Kihyun is trying to ask something without really asking. Hyunwoo also recognizes hesitation when sees, or hears, it.

“I don’t have anyone”, Hyunwoo says. His voice is quiet, barely audible over the wind that always comes with the sunset. The answer comes: “Neither girlfriend or boyfriend.”

The sky is a mixture of orange and blues and purples. Tiny stars are already shining, the crescent moon rising telling the Sun it’s time to go home. When he looks at Kihyun, his face is showing many other colors, many things Hyunwoo is at the same time terrified and excited to know.

🐚

The sun sets, the wind is colder. Kihyun presses closer as they go up the streets to their houses. Hyunwoo’s fingers twitch inside his pants pockets, wanting to hold a small hand, to make it warm.

The pink house has its lights on. Soft music comes from the inside.

“Hyung”, Kihyun calls. Hyunwoo smiles softly. “Do you want to come to dinner tomorrow? I mean—” He shakes his head. “You and your parents, of course. If your father is okay with this. Obviously.”

There’s clear nervousness and it’s strange. Gives Hyunwoo a small hope, a little voice in the back of his mind that wants him to discover what is this, wants him to dig deeper in the slight tremble of Kihyun’s always firm voice.

“I’ll talk to them, but sure. I’ll come.”

Kihyun smiles. It’s so pretty, Hyunwoo thinks. Delicate.

🐚

The house decoration is still the same. Hyunwoo keeps thinking of how much things can change at the same time they don’t.

There are still pictures hanging on the walls, a turntable and Kihyun’s father’s vinyl collection, books of all kinds, vases of flowers and nice pillows on the couch. A place that looks well and happily lived – and by watching the way the Yoo couple interacts, Hyunwoo is pretty sure his assumptions are right.

One picture grabs his attention, as he’s standing close to the window, drinking a cup of tea. It’s Sunday, so it’s better not to drink much, even though he’s not working. The fathers are talking about sports and the mothers are in the kitchen, getting the food ready.

He takes the frame from its place and looks closely at it. It’s Kihyun, younger, pink hair and graduation robes. His smile is so big his eyes are closed, cheeks flushed even on the image, clearly proud of himself. Hyunwoo smiles too.

“Hey.” Kihyun approaches him. Seeing him in his own house is different from having him as a guest. He’s wearing a big hoodie and shorts that end in the middle of his thighs. Hyunwoo saw his legs a handful of times, already, but can’t really stop staring. Kihyun points at the picture, “My graduation.”

“You had pink hair?” Hyunwoo tries to joke.

“I did. I also dyed it orange, red and purple.”

Hyunwoo is amused. “Really?” He tries to picture the man in front of him not with black hair but with fun, different colors, like the sunset they saw yesterday. The mental image he has of it is pretty nice.

Kihyun laughs, shyly. “It was a phase, you know? Sometimes I wanted a change, and the colorful hair was what I could have. It made the kids in the hospital ask if I was a fairy.”

Fairies are small, pretty and can hurt easily – therefore, delicate. Hyunwoo remembers watching a western movie with a fairy that fit the description really well.

“So you work with kids at the hospital?”

Kihyun frowns, nods. “I think I told you and your parents the first night.”

Hyunwoo feels the tips of his ears getting warm. “Sorry. I must have forgotten.” It’s a lie. He didn’t know because he didn’t pay attention, too busy staring at Kihyun and trying to get his breathing and heart rate back to normal.

Kihyun laughs. He seems to be having fun in the way Hyunwoo is constantly saying he’s sorry, whenever he frowns. “I work at the inpatient ward. They can be easy, simple cases, but sometimes people are inpatients for the rest of their lives. I always try to bring them some news, something to be impressed or happy about.”

“That’s why you wanted to be a nurse? I remember you said you wanted to be a photographer.”

Kihyun lets out a loud laugh. Hyunwoo can’t avoid laughing too. “Oh, hyung, I could never. A person has to eat, you know?”

“You could have made money with pictures.”

“But it isn't stable. I like stability.” Kihyun explains. “I actually chose to be a nurse because I wanted to change people’s lives. Doctors do that, too, but they come and go. They do the surgeries, they diagnose, they don’t live with patients. Nurses, do. I know every single person in that hospital by name and want to see them outside of those white walls. I figured I could help much more like this.”

Hyunwoo nods. Never saw the profession under this perspective, and his heart beats faster. Kihyun has always been caring and intelligent. Must be an incredible nurse, must provide so much comfort for those who need it.

“That’s really nice, Kihyun-ah”, he says. “I’m sure people there like you very much.”

“I sure hope so”, the smaller man replies.

Hyunwoo’s eyes go to another framed picture. It’s a boy that really looks like Kihyun, with some differences, like the eyes and the way he smiles. “Your brother?”

“Yes”, Kihyun answers. “Remember him?”

“Younger than you, right?” Hyunwoo thinks of him being a tiny baby, even smaller than Kihyun.

“Yeah, two years. He lives in Japan now.”

“Oh.” Hyunwoo nods.

“What about you, hyung?” The younger one interrupts his thoughts.

“What about me?”

“Why did you choose to be an accountant?”

Hyunwoo shrugs. The truth: “I didn’t really know what I wanted. Eighteen is pretty young to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life, so I just chose something I was good at. Math.”

Kihyun makes a face. “Horrible. I hated math, had a real hard time with it during school.”

“I could have helped you, if we studied together.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t know why he says this, but he does it. It’s out of his mouth before he pays attention to it and it’s terrifying, because it can sound like he’s flirting.

He’s not. (He is). He’s just being a good friend. (Doesn't know how to do it).

Kihyun smiles in a way that makes heat pool at Hyunwoo’s lower belly and his ears on fire. His teeth are positively sharp, and his lips are always pink.

“Hyunwoo-seonsaengnim?”

Oh, God.

Hyunwoo shrugs. Tries to be cool. “I mean, if you wanted.”

Kihyun laughs, and their mothers call them to dinner.

🐚

It’s Jooheon and Changkyun on the call on Monday. Hyunwoo is eating tteokbokki on a bench, a few steps from the beach. It’s already April; soon it’ll be really summer. There is a mom and a little girl playing under the sunshade, some teenagers running and swimming, some old people sitting in benches next to him, people running with earphones. Hyunwoo hasn’t workout in a week, the same amount of time he has been in his hometown, but it’s okay; he has been working out religiously since high school anyway, he needed a break.

Jooheon is telling him how things are, asks how his parents are, and just randomly talks. Changkyun, beside him with nose buried deep on his computer, frowning at the screen, makes random agreement noises, his always tired eyes meeting Hyunwoo’s just to let out a small smile.

“Hyung, when are you coming back? I think I won’t survive another week of trying Minhyuk-hyung’s recipes.” Jooheon pouts.

Hyunwoo snorts. “Why, what is he cooking?”

“He’s trying all types of stuff but always ends up with us needing to order take-out. Hyungwon-hyung can’t say ‘no’ to him.” He looks at Changkyun for support, who vaguely moves his head in what resembles a nod, “You’re the only one with authority, here. They—” Jooheon wiggles his eyebrows, and Hyunwoo knows he’s still talking about Hyungwon and Minhyuk, “—sometimes think they’re living in a honeymoon hotel or something.”

Hyunwoo laughs loudly. Some people passing by stare at him.

“Is it that bad?”

“If it wasn’t, Honey-hyung wouldn’t be living with me”, Changkyun says.

“You’re living with Kyunnie?”

“I mean, if I go back home I can see things I don’t want to see, so.” Jooheon rolls his eyes, cheeks getting pink.

They keep talking about nothing when something hits Hyunwoo. He needs to ask, and it’s better being the two youngest than the other couple. Minhyuk would make his life a living hell, if he knew he’s feeling… feelings, towards someone.

“Kyun-ah, it was you who asked Jooheonnie out first, right?”

Changkyun’s eyes move very slowly, almost two seconds later, from one screen to the other. Jooheon’s eyebrows are all the way up, already.

“Yes, hyung. He—” and elbows his boyfriend, “—was SHY to ask me out. Him, shy! Can you imagine him being shy?”

“I thought you were out of my league.” Jooheon pouts.

Hyunwoo ignores the small banter. “So, how did you do it?”

“What?”

“How do you ask someone out?”

It’s been so long since Hyunwoo had someone. He truly doesn’t know what to do.

The couple exchange a confused but mischievous look. “Is there someone that got your eye, hyung?”

Hyunwoo blushes. “Well. Maybe.”

“It’s about time.” Changkyun teases, and takes the phone from Jooheon’s hands to bring it closer to his face. “Listen, there’s not much secret behind it. Just be sincere. If the person likes you, they won’t hesitate on accepting. You just need to be nice and polite. The rest you can figure out later.”

Hyunwoo presses his lips together. “Okay.”

Jooheon’s dimpled smile appears on the corner of the screen. “Don’t worry, hyung, I’m sure the person you like likes you back. It’s impossible not to!”

He takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

🐚

Hyunwoo stares at his lockscreen. It’s almost midnight. He doesn’t know if Kihyun is home, what time he entered his shift, what time he is getting out. He said that he comes when he’s called in on his workdays, that he doesn’t really have a right time to start his shift.

He put Kihyun’s number on his contact list the same day he gave him the small piece of crumpled paper. It’s still inside his pants pocket too, somewhere. Hyunwoo thinks he stared at it so much he memorized it.

Nice and polite. Nice and polite.

There’s no way this could go wrong. Or is there? What if Hyunwoo misinterpreted the signals he thought he was receiving from Kihyun and ruined their relationship? The weird-friendship they have?

If Kihyun asks, he can just say it as friends. Yeah. No need to think much about it. Just—friends grabbing some dinner.

It’s impossible not to like me back, Jooheonnie said. He’s going to trust his roommate.

Hyunwoo unlocks the screen before courage slips through his fingers and texts Kihyun if he’d like to grab dinner with him the next day.

I could treat you that ice cream, like I promised, he tries. It’s a pathetic way to flirt, but he still presses ‘send.’

The answer comes twenty minutes later. Hyunwoo is drifting off to sleep, and the surprise of the device vibrating on his hand makes him jolt awake.

Sure, Kihyun answers. There’s a smiley face. Where do you want to go?

Hyunwoo texts him the place, a restaurant he saw was nice reviewed with a decent price, and Kihyun responds not many minutes later.

Perfect, I’ve never been there. Pick me up at eight?

Hyunwoo gulps. It’s a date. Why does this thought have him terrified? Isn't this what he was planning, anyway?

At eight, it is.

🐚

The good thing about living in a small town is that you never really need a car, only if something big happens. Everything can be done by foot, which makes things simpler, easier.

Hyunwoo still gets his to pick Kihyun, though. He spends twenty minutes choosing his clothes, tries to make his hair look nicer than normal, and has to deal with his mother leaning against the doorframe with raised eyebrows as he puts perfume and asks if it’s enough.

“Where are you going?” She asks, amused. Never saw her son like this before.

Hyunwoo blushes. At first, he wants to lie, but knows it can be in vain because she can end up knowing from others.

“Out with Kihyunnie”, he answers. The look she gives him says a lot, but he ignores it.

Kihyun is waiting for him outside his house. He’s wearing a nice purple blouse and black slacks, and Hyunwoo blushes furiously at the amused face he makes when sees the car.

“We could go by foot, you know”, he says, sitting on the passenger seat. “It’s not far, anyway.”

“I know”, Hyunwoo limits on saying. “But I wanted to do this properly.”

Kihyun smiles. It lightens up his entire face, and Hyunwoo cleans his throat before driving again.

“Do what, hyung?”

Hyunwoo doesn’t answer.

🐚

The dinner is pleasant. The food is very good, but for the first time Hyunwoo isn't caring much about it. Everything is overshadowed by the man sitting in front of him.

Kihyun is talkative, a bit loud, very charismatic – everything Hyunwoo isn't. His laughs are melodical like music and his cheeks get pink with frequency as they drink wine and talk, as he closes his eyes and nods, saying the food is incredible, that he always wanted to come here but never did.

As their night goes on, Hyunwoo notices every table has a candlelight and the restaurant is full of practically only couples, hands joined over the table and small smiles being shared with gentle words. Makes all the blood in his body travel to his cheeks.

“Hyung,” Kihyun stops in the middle of a story, “Are you okay?”

Hyunwoo swallows his wine. He shouldn’t be drinking, he’s driving. He’s driving and Kihyun is right here, in front of him, two buttons of his blouse open and he can see sharp collarbones and moles and—

“I am. Sorry.”

Kihyun doesn’t seem convinced. The frown on his forehead shows worry.

“Do you like the food?”

“I do.”

The younger man bites his lower lip. He shouldn’t do this, not in front of Hyunwoo.

“Is it me, then? Am I speaking too much?”

Honestly, Hyunwoo is used to having his ear talked off by Minhyuk, but he doesn’t mind Kihyun doing this.

“Of course not. I really like your voi—your stories. I really like them.”

Panic rises in his chest but Kihyun just softly laughs.

“The place is nice, isn't it?” He continues, then. Does a very good job in ignoring the blushing mess that is the man in front of him. “Very romantic.”

Hyunwoo takes a sip of his wine, again. Tries to keep his mouth and mind occupied with something. “It indeed is.”

“Ideal to bring someone special.”

There is the glint in Kihyun’s eyes that makes Hyunwoo regret drinking, because now he’s light-headed. And it’s the alcohol, of course it is.

“You said you always wanted to come but there was no one.” Hyunwoo cleans his throat. “There wasn’t anyone special?”

A question asked in such a way that the real meaning behind it is not explicit. The same tactic used by Kihyun.

The younger one blinks, shrugs. “No. No one.”

Hm. The Hoseok guy maybe wasn’t who Hyunwoo feared he was.

“Thank you, hyung”, Kihyun suddenly says. He smiles coyly, “Thank you for bringing me here.”

Hyunwoo stares at the dark eyes and the small hands over the table top and feels a million things happening inside his heart. He wants to hold those fingers, bring it to his lips and kiss them. Recognizes it, finally: the desire to kiss Kihyun, his childhood friend, the man that was once a bad-humored kid that followed him everywhere, who he wanted to protect.

Unconsciously, maybe Hyunwoo missed the beach and something else, too.

🐚

“Thank you again. It was lovely”, Kihyun says when Hyunwoo drives him home. There’s a small hand around his bicep like that time on the beach, and lights up Hyunwoo’s entire being.

“No problem”, he answers, trying to keep his voice even. “Thank you for accepting.”

Kihyun tilts his head, smiles openly. “Of course I would. Especially when you said you’d buy me ice cream.”

Hyunwoo laughs. “Yeah. Still tastes like before?”

“It does. You could have asked for a bite, if you wanted it.”

Or Hyunwoo could just dive in for a kiss and taste the mint chocolate straight from Kihyun’s lips.

“Maybe next time”, he says, because just the mere thought of getting closer to the man sat beside him makes him sweat in nervousness.

Kihyun nods, still smiling. The small hand travels from the bicep to Hyunwoo’s lips, and he freezes for a solid second. Kihyun uses his thumb to wipe something.

“You had some sauce”, he explains his action, and Hyunwoo licks his lips. The way Kihyun’s dark eyes stare at him make him braver for another second, so he asks,

“Want to go for a walk tomorrow?”

Kihyun doesn’t hesitate. Eyes travel from lips to eyes, and he nods. “Please.”

🐚

“How was it?” Hyunwoo’s mother asks when he comes home, flushed. “Is the food good?”

To be honest, he didn’t really care about the food, nor the wine, nor the location. His mind was busy with other things.

“Nice.”

His mother laughs. “Only nice?”

He shakes his head, smiling. “What do you want me to say?”

She pats his cheeks. “Nothing.” Winks. “Are you going out with him again?”

“Mom, we’re friends”, Hyunwoo says, as if it answered something. Ignores the way his ears are probably red and how his mother knows him inside out, obviously.

“Sure, baby bear.” She pulls his arm, and he bends to let her kiss his forehead. “Never said you weren’t.”

🐚

“Do you remember when you wanted to climb that tree next to the temple?”

Hyunwoo laughs silently. His shoulders shake. “I fell.”

“Of course you fell.” Kihyun rolls his eyes. “I told you not to, yet you went there, climbed the damn thing, and fell on your butt.”

“You criticize me way too much for someone who was always there.”

“I was there because you needed someone to say I told you.”

“Oh, that’s why you climbed the rocks with me?”

Kihyun softly blushes. “It was a mistake. I'm allowed to commit them, sometimes.”

Hyunwoo laughs more. Kihyun tries to scowl at him but can’t, ends up laughing too.

“Now that I’m thinking about it, we were always together.”

He side-looks at Kihyun and the smaller man is staring at the horizon.

The sunset is pink this time. It’s all sorts of colors, but majorly pink. There's no one else on the beach except for Hyunwoo and Kihyun, sitting side by side on the sand, still damp after an earlier rain.

“We were. You wanted to do the crazy, impulsive and dangerous things, I said no, but I followed anyway”, he softly says, barely audible over the sound of waves. He turns to Hyunwoo after a couple moments, after Hyunwoo stares at his side profile until he’s pretty sure he could draw it from memory if he wanted. “Did you do those in the city, too?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “It’s different, there. A bit more dangerous than the adventures themselves. I didn’t have many friends to go out with until college.”

“Oh, what a shame.” Kihyun pouts for a brief second and Hyunwoo can’t avoid staring at his lips. They’re pink, adding more color to the sunset pallet.

And just because, just because yesterday Kihyun was so pretty and talkative and thanked him with a hand on his arm and his thumb brushed his lips, and there is always something behind his dark eyes, the glint that maybe means much more Hyunwoo can wonder, he says, “Or maybe I just needed a partner.”

Kihyun smirks. “To tell you that you shouldn’t be doing something, yet you do it anyway?”

Hyunwoo snorts. “Exactly.”

Some seagulls fly over them. As minutes go by, the sky gets a bit orange, and soon it’s an explosion, like it’s the end of Earth's odyssey. Hyunwoo even thinks he saw a sky like this in one of the animes Minhyuk likes so much to watch.

“Hey.” He gets on his feet. Feels the wet sand glued to his legs and butt and the palms of his hands. Kihyun looks up at him, smiling, eyebrows raised in question. “If I did something impulsive now, would you follow me?”

“What?” Kihyun laughs. “Like what?”

Hyunwoo takes off his shirt, and sneakers and socks. Then, his keys, wallet and phone from his shorts’ pockets, under Kihyun's perplexed stare.

“Hyung, what are you doing?”

“Let’s swim”, Hyunwoo says, extending a hand to Kihyun. The younger man holds his knees tighter.

“Hyung, it’s late. The sun is setting, it’s going to be night soon—”

“It’s fine. Let’s swim.”

Kihyun’s eyes are wide. For a second, he’s exactly like the same boy Hyunwoo met years ago, like he hasn’t aged a single day in his life. “No, I… We didn’t even bring towels!”

“Doesn’t matter. Come”, Hyunwoo insists, hand still extended for Kihyun to take.

“What if the water is too cold?”

“We won’t know until we get in.”

Kihyun seems terrified. Hyunwoo wants to laugh, but doesn’t. “Don’t—Why do you want to go? You can get sick!”

“Luckily you’re a nurse.” Another pathetic attempt on flirting, but Hyunwoo isn't thinking straight anymore. “Come, Kihyun-ah.”

Kihyun bites his lower lip, hesitates, and shakes his head negatively. “I’ll stay here. I’ll watch your clothes.”

Hyunwoo gives up, then. It’s not like it didn’t happen before, like he didn’t convince Kihyun of doing something.

So he shrugs, turns around and jogs to the water. The breeze that always comes with the end of the afternoon makes him cold, and the water is, too, like Kihyun said, but he won’t give the smaller man the satisfaction of knowing he’s right.

The water reaches his ankles, calves, knees, thighs and waist, and this is where Hyunwoo takes a deep breath and dives, assuming the position he knows so well. He lets the water block any sound; feels the saltiness on every surface, opens his eyes and mouth like a fish to taste it, even if it’s just for a second, and looks around the blue.

Twenty-years later, the ocean is still the same, but Hyunwoo isn't.

Peaceful.

He did this so many times as a kid, but never this deep.

He swims to the surface and turns around, brushes his wet hair back. Kihyun is standing by the sea, the water hitting his ankles, and it’s such a nostalgic view. He’s hugging himself, not wearing his jacket anymore, jeans folded until his calves are showing.

“Hyung!” He yells. “Come back!”

Like the old times.

Hyunwoo grins. He’s not a smiley person, but it’s hard not to be when Kihyun is around.

So he dives again, and when comes back, he spits salty water on purpose, eyes tightly shut, arms up in the sky.

“Oh, no! I’m drowning!”

He opens one eye when hears Kihyun’s loud laugh.

“You’re not!”

Hyunwoo moves his arms back and forth, as if he was really drowning, fake-gasping. “I am, Kihyun-ah! Please, help me!”

“How would I help you? You need a lifeguard!”

“But you’re a nurse! It’s your job to save people!”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. He’s hugging himself, small fingers digging in the skin of his bare arms. “Son Hyunwoo!”

“Help!” Hyunwoo yells one more time. He splashes water everywhere before turning around to Kihyun’s direction and smiles so broadly it threatens to rip his face apart.

Kihyun is running back to where the pile of clothes is. He takes off his shirt, too, and presses it against his face for a couple seconds before emptying his pockets and running towards the sea.

He lets out a loud laugh when the cold water soaks his jeans and reaches his navel. Goose-pimples are visible across his arms and chest, and he runs, runs until reaches Hyunwoo.

His cheeks are red, both from embarrassment and cold. “Isn't even that deep!”

Hyunwoo grins, raises to his feet. The water is just a bit above his belly button.

“I was almost a professional swimmer, you know?”

He could never drown, and the fact Kihyun was tricked by him makes him press his lips, hard, and push the older man into the water again. Hyunwoo laughs and feels the sea embracing him like an old friend, Kihyun yelling his name, saying he can’t believe he was capable of such betrayal.

They play like this for a while, swimming around and trying to make the other drown. Kihyun gets on Hyunwoo’s back, arms around his neck, and laughs, loudly, freely, wet skin against wet skin. The sky is already a mixture of purple and orange, the sun saying its last goodbyes, and Hyunwoo dives again.

They laugh more, taking a pause to breathe. Kihyun brushes his hair back with both hands, running his fingers through the locks over and over again until they’re a complete mess, spikey and dripping. There are a few droplets of sea running down his pretty face, too, and he’s bathed not only in the water but also in the dusk’s watercolor, and it’s the most beautiful sight Hyunwoo ever saw.

It was Kihyun who taught him the meaning of delicate, because he’s the personification of the word.

“Hey”, Hyunwoo whispers. The sun isn't there anymore; the sky is already dark and stars shine over them as a roof. He could never see that in the capital.

“What?” Kihyun asks, runs his fingers through his hair one more time. The last line of sun rays reflects on his eyes, small with how wide he’s smiling.

“If I did another impulsive thing, would you follow me?”

Kihyun arches an eyebrow. “Depends”, he says. “What thing?”

Hyunwoo reaches forward, grabs Kihyun’s arm to bring him closer, and kisses him.

🐚

Kihyun’s teeth are indeed sharp.

He’s sharp all over, to speak the truth. From the hard expression he sometimes carries to the perfect pointy nose, cheekbones ready to cut and spikey wet hair, he’s like a masterpiece, a flawless work of geometry, so wonderful Euclid of Alexandria would be proud and stunned.

He sighs, a small tiny sound that comes from his open mouth when Hyunwoo presses even closer, nibbles at his lower lip and tongue-kisses him deep, wanting, like he’s thirsty and delirious. He is, he sure is. Lost in the light Kihyun is even at night, in the warmness that contrasts with the cold water they’re submerged in, small hands that hold Hyunwoo’s head for his dear life and heart beating fast, over the sound of waves rustling and dying on the sand.

“Hyung—” Kihyun whispers when Hyunwoo’s mouth leaves his to make a sloppy trail down his neck, his perfect neck, pale, so pale and soft, contrasting with Hyunwoo’s dark skin. “Let’s—let’s go.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t stop kissing Kihyun’s neck. He licks over the salt and tastes much more than it.

“I don’t want to stop.”

Kihyun lets a small moan, fingers now on Hyunwoo’s hair, pulling hard. He likes it. “We don’t need to stop.”

The older man pauses, and they share a look. A long, meaningful look – of desire and deep affection and that’s worth a thousand words.

They hurriedly get out of the sea, shivering, Kihyun cursing loudly and Hyunwoo laughing. They have their fingers intertwined just like when were kids, and it kinda feels like it, the adrenaline and euphoria of doing something ‘forbidden’ and having to run home before their parents found out. Hyunwoo grabs both their clothes, Kihyun takes care of getting their phones and wallets, and they run around, barefoot, ignoring the confused looks of the people they pass by on the street.

Hyunwoo wishes they had some place, some place to finish what they started, because now he had a taste of Kihyun he won’t be able to live without it.

“Come—” Kihyun says, out of breath, just as they’re reaching their houses. The closest is Kihyun’s, Hyunwoo’s is at the top.

Hyunwoo hesitates. “But your parents—”

“Are out with yours. Don’t you know? Went to the movies and to grab dinner.” Kihyun smiles. “Come.”

For the first time, Kihyun runs and Hyunwoo follows.

🐚

Hyunwoo mentally thanks all forces existent in the universe when Kihyun opens the door of his room to reveal it’s a suite. They toss the wet clothes on the floor and Hyunwoo doesn’t miss two seconds, pressing the smaller man against the closed door, kissing him with fervor. He’s still salty and his pores are all tingling, and there’s another small sound that comes from the back of his throat and lightens up Hyunwoo’s soul.

“Bathro—I need—”

“No—”

“Come with me. Hyung, take a shower with me.”

Hyunwoo never saw Kihyun’s eyes so dark. His pupils are dilated, chest going up and down visibly, water still running down his body. He’s marvelous, he’s gorgeous. Obviously, Hyunwoo agrees with him.

They undress but barely pay attention to each other’s body, mouths and hands searching for each other’s as they kiss and kiss and kiss until Kihyun’s back hits the tiles of the wall and he hisses, turning the shower on with some difficulty.

The water from the shower is scalding hot, a complete contrast to the sea water that embraced them a few minutes before. Kihyun laughs at the grimace Hyunwoo makes, saying he likes his baths hot, also so that they don't get sick.

“I’ll get sick if you don’t come here”, Hyunwoo says, pulling Kihyun closer again.

Their tongues meet and Kihyun is louder, now protected by the closed doors and sound of the water hitting Hyunwoo’s back, burning like the want inside of him. They don’t even wash properly, too desperate to be apart for more than one second, but it’s when Hyunwoo swallows water and interrupts the kissing to cough that they reach for the soap and shampoo.

“You’ll be smelling like me”, Kihyun says, spurting a nice amount on the palm of his small hand and reaching for Hyunwoo’s scalp, blunt nails scraping so nicely and so delicately he has to close his eyes, entire body relaxing.

They meet again but it’s slower, this time. Kihyun takes initiative and explores Hyunwoo’s mouth intensively but sensually, his tongue warm and lips soft, small sighs of contentment every now and then.

Hyunwoo’s hands caress his arms, the small definition of his bicep and shoulder, and goes down the back, the small waist, until he reaches Kihyun’s ass and squeezes it, bringing their bodies closer until their erections meet. Kihyun moans against his mouth, dark, deep; Hyunwoo feels light-headed.

“Bed”, Kihyun says, breathless. “This isn't a good place for a first time.”

A first time. Is it for Kihyun as it is for Hyunwoo?

Looking at the flushed cheeks and dimples on top of his cheeks as he smiles, Hyunwoo decides it doesn’t matter. It’s their first time, and it’s important enough.

🐚

Hyunwoo never had an out of body experience, but he’s pretty sure finally being with Kihyun can be compared to it.

The younger one is loud and demanding, knows what he wants and talks about it, shows Hyunwoo where to touch and when to touch; the pressure he likes the most, controls the intensity with legs surprisingly strong that circle Hyunwoo’s hips.

He puts two of Hyunwoo’s fingers inside his mouth, eyes closed, and sucks, licks and moans deliciously around them, smiling when sees Hyunwoo’s staring so hard it could be embarrassing.

Hyunwoo is mild embarrassed, of course, but he doesn’t think much about it, tries to get lost in the heat and tightness and in the sounds of Kihyun, better than any song he ever heard, in the prettiest eyes he ever seen, the once immaculate skin that now takes on shades of purple and green around the collarbones and neck and he knows Kihyun will curse him later for it, but for now he’s pliant and smiley and even laughs, so Hyunwoo laughs with him, heart beating fast and blood on his ears that muffles the sounds of their bodies slapping together.

Hyunwoo finishes first – it’s hard not to when Kihyun’s nails dig deep on his back and he calls his name in a breathless moan, hugging him tight. He doesn’t even stop; continues, reaches a hand to help Kihyun finish and is mesmerized to witness such a scene.

They lie side by side, naked, out of breath. Hyunwoo has never been in Kihyun’s room, but he’s more tired than curious to take a look around, turning his head to the man beside him instead.

“This was.” A laugh. “So good.”

Hyunwoo smirks. “You think so?”

Kihyun rolls over Hyunwoo’s body. He’s smaller, always has been. Hyunwoo circles his waist with both arms and lets one hand softly caress the tailbone.

“I missed you, hyung. I think for my entire life.”

Hyunwoo smiles. He feels giddy, silly, even.

“But now I’m here.”

Kihyun bites his lower lip, and leans closer for a kiss. Calm, serene. The waves are quiet against the shore. “Now you’re here.”

🐚

It’s nonsensical to ask permission to your parents to bring a friend home when you’re thirty, but Hyunwoo still does, still asks if it’s okay if Kihyun came over.

“We’re just watching a movie and eating something. Don’t need to worry.”

His father says it’s absolutely fine, of course, why wouldn’t it be?

His mother gives him a look that makes him think perhaps he just got back in time and is asking to get home past his curfew. There’s a smile threatening to break in her lips, but she disguises it well and nods, says, sure, son, Kihyunnie is your friend, that’s fine.

Kihyun comes at seven. He’s wearing a dark hoodie too big for the weather, his hair not brushed back but falling over his eyes, jeans and sneakers, and looks small, younger, again. Hyunwoo wants to protect him at the same time he’s dying to kiss his lips one more time.

He bows to the Sons and even chats with Hyunwoo’s mother for a good half-a-hour, Hyunwoo trying to distract himself with some game playing on TV, answering his father’s comments with a hum or a vague yeah.

They order food, because Hyunwoo insists his mother doesn’t need to worry, and when it arrives, go up the stairs, bidding the couple goodbye.

“You took your parents’ room, then?” Kihyun asks, looking around. Hyunwoo doesn’t know how he remembers it, but he probably does. Kihyun’s memory has been proven better than his, anyway.

“I used to like sitting on the balcony.”

Kihyun nods, smiling. “I know. I remember you there, legs dangling. I told you it was dangerous more than once.”

Hyunwoo sets the food on a nightstand. The room is pretty empty – just a wardrobe, a big futon and a small television. He makes his way to Kihyun with a side-smile, and receives open arms back, grabby hands.

Kihyun smells like his shampoo, the shampoo Hyunwoo had the privilege of using the night before.

“You know”, Kihyun starts, out of breath without Hyunwoo even kissing him, busy with nuzzling his nose against the younger man’s throat and jaw. “I had to use this hoodie because apparently a leech attacked my neck, yesterday.”

Hyunwoo lets out a huff. It makes Kihyun goose-pimpled again. “Really? That’s your diagnosis?”

Kihyun hums, his low voice reverberating. “It’s deadly.”

“It is?”

“Yeah”, Kihyun moans when Hyunwoo licks a spot behind his ear. “Makes you addicted.”

Hyunwoo laughs.

They don’t even watch the movie. They eat, silently kiss until Hyunwoo is sure his parents are asleep, and then he presses Kihyun against the futon multiple times, whispering sweet words in his ear until the smaller man is crying of pleasure and desire, mouth bitten raw.

🐚

Hyunwoo’s last day in his hometown is a Friday. It marks two weeks since he got out of work to help his parents. His life changed so much in such a short span of time it’s almost bizarre.

And even though he doesn’t want, he needs to go back to the other life he has, in the capital, with Jooheon and Hyungwon and Changkyun and Minhyuk, to his office, to his workouts, to the chaos of civilization and where there are no sound of waves in the quietness of the night nor a summer breeze that messes up his hair.

It’s also a work day for Kihyun. He starts his shift at noon, so he helps Hyunwoo packing, and eats breakfast with his parents.

There’s a sadness in his eyes Hyunwoo knows it’s in his, too. Doesn’t know why, but if feels like he’s never seeing Kihyun again; which isn't true, he can drive back any weekend he wants, can visit when it’s a four-hour drive that always separated him from the sea.

Now, there’s not only the sea to return to.

He insists on giving Kihyun a ride to the hospital. It’s an opportunity to say goodbye to the Yoos, too. Kihyun’s mother hugs him tight, gives him a small pack of food, and Kihyun’s father taps between his shoulder blades and tells him to stop growing.

The drive is silent. Kihyun has small hands on his lap, fingers tangled with each other, and a scarf around his neck. It’s funny, but also makes Hyunwoo sad. He doesn’t know when he’ll be able to paint his own sunset on Kihyun’s skin.

“Have a safe trip”, he says when the car stops.

They look at each other and Hyunwoo feels so tempted to lean forward and kiss him senseless, but he can’t. So he grabs Kihyun’s hand and kisses his knuckles, instead. Looks at the small fingers, turns the hand around and presses another kiss to the mole on his index finger, to the ones on his palm. Hyunwoo was never gentle but with Kihyun he tries to be; it has the younger man blushing and smiling shyly.

“Thank you”, Hyunwoo whispers. “I’ll miss you, Kihyun-ah.”

Kihyun takes his hand and kisses the knuckles too. “Me too, hyung.”

Hyunwoo’s eyebrows go up. He seemed surprised at this.

“You will?”

Kihyun chuckles. “I will.”

🐚

Hyunwoo comes back home and is welcomed by a tight hug from Minhyuk (wearing only one of Hyungwon’s oversized shirts and underwear, much to his dismay) and Hyungwon’s hug, his baby cheeks all the way up with his genuine smile.

“It’s not the same without you here, hyung”, he says, and Hyunwoo smiles back.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You two practically expelled Jooheon-ah from the place he's been paying for years, have some shame on you”, he fake-scolds them, Minhyuk taking his suitcase and bringing it to his bedroom, not bothered at all while his boyfriend has the decency to blush.

Later in the afternoon Jooheon and Changkyun come back, the second-youngest peeking behind the door with wide eyes, fearful of what he can see.

“Honey-yah!” Minhyuk exclaims, bending his body over the counter, and Jooheon grimaces on the door, Changkyun’s hands coming to cover his eyes.

“Are you decent, hyung?”

“They are”, Hyunwoo answers, and Jooheon and Changkyun exchange a look before running to their hyung, falling over him on the couch and suffocating him with a hug just as tight as the ones Hyunwoo likes to give them.

“Our savior! Our angel!” Jooheon says, shooting fiery glances at a very unamused Minhyuk and a smiley Hyungwon. Changkyun nods, nuzzling his head against Hyunwoo’s jaw.

“Get a room, you three!” Minhyuk then yells in his offended state, shaking a spatula in the air.

Maybe Hyunwoo didn’t want to come back, but he reasons he missed his younger brothers way too much.

🐚

Nonetheless, melancholy is hard to disguise. There’s a lost look on Hyunwoo’s eyes that makes him even more distracted during dinner and even more quiet while Minhyuk talks his mouth off, telling about everything he missed, that has Hyungwon putting and arm around his boyfriend’s neck and shushing him with a kiss, so he stops.

Hyunwoo doesn’t notice. He continues staring at the tabletop, mixing his noodles with the chopsticks, and Jooheon and Changkyun share a look before the musician asks, “Hyung, is everything fine?”

Three seconds later, Hyunwoo blinks several times and meets everybody’s eyes.

“Uh. I’m—” he feels his ears getting red, “—it’s fine. I’m good.” He shrugs. “Just tired, I think.”

The couples don’t say anything for a while. A car honks on the street and Hyunwoo gets himself thinking involuntarily of the sound of the waves he can’t hear any more.

Obviously, it’s Minhyuk who breaks the ice. “Did something happen to you there?”

Hyunwoo shrugs again. “My dad is sick, you know. I guess I’m just worrying about him and my mom being alone.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s doing good with the treatment, isn't he?” Hyungwon asks, and Hyunwoo nods.

Jooheon is staring hard at him, so hard it’s uncomfortable. When their eyes meet, he asks, vague enough for the others don’t understand, “What about that?”

Hyunwoo knows what that means. “It was okay.”

Jooheon crosses his arms over the tabletop. Changkyun pushes his glasses back on his nose.

“You sure?”

“What?” Minhyuk asks. “What’s ‘that’? What are you both talking about?”

Hyunwoo sighs. Knew this was going to happen, and it’s always better to rip the bandaid at once then take it slowly. Hurts less.

“I met… I met someone.”

Hyungwon and Minhyuk share a surprised look. “Someone new?”, the lawyer questions.

“Someone I already knew", Hyunwoo tells them. “A friend I haven’t seen since I was a kid.”

“Wow. That’s so nice!” Minhyuk beams. Hyunwoo looks at him and sees he’s sitting on Hyungwon’s lap, like there’s no other chair available when there are at least three. “And did you go out?”

Hyunwoo snorts. Remembers Kihyun eating cakes and drinking coffee, small hands around the cup, pouted lips blowing it to cool it.

“We did, yeah.” At the vagueness of his answer and at the expectant eyes of his friends in a way it seems he’s surrounded by four little puppies, Hyunwoo sighs again. “I… I think I’m in love. Kinda.”

Changkyun puts a hand over Hyunwoo’s, his way to show some comfort, and Jooheon smiles, open, happy. Hyungwon’s full lips are parted in a pleasant surprise and Minhyuk rises from his boyfriend’s lap, walking around the table to give Hyunwoo a back hug.

“I’m so happy for you! How was it?”

Hyunwoo taps Minhyuk’s hands awkwardly. They don’t seem right. Too big, too bony and veiny. Not delicate like the hands he is used by now.

“We went for coffee, to the beach, to a restaurant.”

“The beach? But you said you were alone!”

“That day I was.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Hyunwoo pauses. The pronoun is going to be very emphasized this way. “Because he was working.”

Like he predicted, the world stops for a second. Minhyuk tilts his head, blonde hair coming in Hyunwoo’s field of vision, and pouts.

“You said ‘he’, hyung?”

Not even Jooheon and Changkyun knew that. They are just as surprised.

“What is his name, hyung?” Jooheon asks.

“And he works with what?” Changkyun adds.

Minhyuk jumps a bit and Hyunwoo has to tap his hands once again, telling him to stop.

“His name is Kihyun. He’s a nurse, and we were friends when we were kids. Our dads are childhood friends, too.”

Everybody nods, but Minhyuk is still curious, and Jooheon and Changkyun are clearly dying to know more.

Hyungwon, on the other side, is past the shock, already – instead has a soft expression, his usual one, almost like he’s sleepy.

“Is he good to you, hyung?” Hyunwoo feels his ears getting hot. He nods. “That’s what matters, then. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Hyungwon-ah.” The eldest among them nods.

“Did he give you the shell?” Minhyuk asks. He was there, sitting on the bed with Jooheon as Hyunwoo unpacked things, and saw when he put the blue and brown shell on his nightstand.

“Yeah.”

Minhyuk smiles openly. “He seems nice, hyung. Like Hyungwonnie said: if he makes you happy, perfect.”

Hyunwoo nods, embarrassed. “Thanks.”

🐚

Life goes on. Hyunwoo wakes up everyday at the same hour, goes to work, eats lunch with Hyungwon and other coworkers, goes to the gym, expels Minhyuk from the kitchen and just carries on with his normal life. He makes sure to call his parents twice a week, especially when his father has medical appointments. It’s hard to keep his hopes high when the old man sounds more and more tired each call, but he takes a deep breath and tries to think positively, tries to believe what the doctors said, that he is going to be okay.

There are also texts being exchanged with Kihyun, sometimes. Hyunwoo has never been the best with small talk, ends up finding out he’s extremely shy towards the younger man even after they did lots of impulsive (that were actually very well thought) and adventurous (and they were) stuff. It makes no sense, he knows, but he can’t control it.

Kihyun does not always answer fast, but is much more talkative. He tells about his patients, about food he’s been eating, about a drama he’s watching and about the weather. Hyunwoo has a mental schedule of his work and rest days based on the weeks they spent together, so he texts him before going to sleep, asking if he had a good day, and wishing him a good night, a good shift, or a good morning, when he wakes up.

For the first time, Hyunwoo doesn’t like being the only single one between his group of friends.

As he comes across Hyungwon and Minhyuk exchanging pleasantries on the kitchen, drinking their tea and sharing food, sitting close to each other and kissing deeply when think nobody is watching, Hyunwoo misses the warmth and being held by small hands, misses sighs and his name being murmured when Kihyun was reaching his climax.

Paying attention at Changkyun and Jooheon playfully bickering, Jooheon crossing his arms and whining, pouting, just for Changkyun to laugh and kiss it away from him, Hyunwoo misses Kihyun’s intelligent remarks, wants the stories he's been told to be through his voice, not through letters on a screen.

He notices that, during the entire time he spent in his hometown, he didn’t take a single picture with or of Kihyun. Nothing he could stare until his eyes burnt, nothing materializing the memories he carries with him every moment, nothing that captured the intensity of those dark eyes and big smiles, how the wind blew against his hair and made him so ethereal, nothing that could soothe the longing inside his chest.

Now, there’s always the feeling like he’s missing something, like something isn't right. Some nights, Hyunwoo lies to himself and tries to make himself believe he’s only feeling like this because his parents are far away, because his father is losing more and more hair each passing day.

It is, too. But is not the only reason.

And even with Minhyuk and Jooheon pestering him, asking why he doesn’t go back to his hometown, why doesn't he visit his parents and Kihyun, why doesn’t he call instead of texting, Hyunwoo remains partially silent. Feels like what reunited him and Kihyun was a chance of fate, something that probably wasn’t supposed to happen if his parents never decided to go back.

Again, he questions himself, in the darkness of his room, staring at the shell still lying beside his head on his nightstand, if the feeling that so naturally blossomed inside of him has always been there; if the connection he and Kihyun had when kids remained dormant inside his being just waiting for the right moment, waiting to be awaken by a small man that was once a small boy and that now occupies such a huge part in his heart.

He wonders if Kihyun cares, if he feels the same melancholy, if he wishes Hyunwoo took more initiative, if he showed more. He wants to – just doesn’t know how. Kihyun was so alive, even as a rigid child, that Hyunwoo doubts he has any time to be moping around something so casual.

(It doesn’t feel casual at all to Hyunwoo; he doesn’t do casual. He’s not one to get involved with someone so deeply, tangle his limbs and whisper praises and kiss such intimate places without feeling the world for someone, but again – he’s trying to fool himself).

Months go by.

Until another chance of fate decides to reunite them again.

🐚

Hyunwoo is at work when his phone rings. He’s not one to answer it when his eyes are focused on the spreadsheets and in the monthly balance of the company, but something makes him reach for the device vibrating on the farthest corner of his table and answer it without looking who’s calling.

“Son Hyunwoo.”

“Baby bear, how are you?” His mother replies, and Hyunwoo blinks. She’s not one to call during this time, much less with such a quiet voice.

“Mom? Is everything okay?” He asks, rising from his chair, heart already beating hard against his ribs.

“It is.” Clearly, it’s not. “How are you?”

Everything is really weird already and Hyunwoo takes off his glasses, his coworkers looking at him with confusion and worry because he’s never agitated, never talks loudly; yet somehow he feels like he needs to drag a confession from his mother’s lips and he’ll only succeed if he does this.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

His mother sighs. It’s silent on the other side of the line and Hyunwoo feels bile coming all the way up his throat – he closes his laptop and loosens his tie, walking out the room with fast steps.

“Mom—”

“Your father. He had been feeling bad, lately, but today—”

“Where is dad? He’s okay?” Hyunwoo’s mind is running one thousand kilometers per hour. He can feel sweat already forming on his forehead. “Is he alive?”

“He’s hospitalized. They took him to the ICU.”

Hyunwoo stops breathing for a second. It’s like he’s been crashing down by a violent force, the strongest wind, the tallest wave.

“Where are you now?”

“At the hospital. I drove him. He had a high fever, everything he ate—”

“Are you alone?”

His mother takes some seconds to answer, some terrible, desperate seconds. “Kihyunnie is with me.”

Hyunwoo closes his eyes, presses the pads of his fingers against his temple.

“Okay. Stay there, okay? I’m coming. I’m going home, I’ll change my clothes, and I’m coming. Can you wait for me?”

Hyunwoo can see his mother shaking her head, wide eyes behind thick glasses. “No, baby, I just called to let you—”

“Wait for me, okay? I’ll be there”, Hyunwoo says, his tone definitive, making it clear there is no other possibility but this one.

“Drive safely”, she says, and Hyunwoo runs to his boss’ office.

🐚

His boss, bless him, let him go without even thinking twice, saying it was fine, that family should come first always. Hyunwoo ran to the Legal department right after, and the desperation in his face probably made the secretary run to call Hyungwon, knowing he is the one Hyunwoo is looking for.

The lawyer comes with hurried steps and a crease on his forehead, pretty face wrinkled in worry, and holds Hyunwoo’s arms as he stutters, the tears threatening to appear at any given second, that he was going home, that he needed to meet his mother at the hospital because his father was hospitalized.

Hyungwon nods, tells him not to worry about it, and says he’s going to call Minhyuk or Changkyun to ask if they are home to pack him a change of clothes and the essential items so he doesn't need to worry about it.

Hyunwoo thanks him and basically flies out the building.

🐚

As soon as he opens the door, Minhyuk is waiting with a suitcase and his puppy eyes and permanent pout. His arms and clothes are stained with paint, and Hyunwoo feels a little bad for interrupting him during work hours, probably interrupting his inspiration as well, but receives a warm hug and a peck on the cheek and it’s going to be fine, hyung. He asks him to tell Jooheon and Changkyun, to not expel the poor boys from home, and exits his house.

The tears come as soon as he hits the road. Like vines growing inside his lungs, they make it impossible to breathe, make him choke on his own sobs and his vision blurs, so Hyunwoo has to pull over the car so something worse wouldn’t happen.

As he gets to the hospital, Hyunwoo doesn’t even care he probably looks like a mess, swollen eyes and red faced, cheeks wet with tears that haven't dried yet.

Forgets he was supposed to look for his mother, asks the receptionist about his father, about any information they can give him, and the lady tries to calm him down, which is impossible. His father is sick, he’ll only be calm when he’s back to his home, to the couch and to the sports on television.

She tells him there is no information since he’s in the ICU, that only doctors and specific nurses are allowed to frequent those places, and Hyunwoo, choking on his own words, asks for Yoo Kihyun.

“One second”, she says, and her soft voice echoes through the hospital, Nurse Yoo, the reception, please.

Hyunwoo rests his head over folded arms on the desk for what seems like hours, until feels a soft small hand on his bicep.

Looking up, Hyunwoo meets dark eyes that carry the same, if not more, intensity.

“Hyung.”

Hyunwoo immediately holds him close, hugs Kihyun in the middle of a hospital reception. In any other place his cheeks would be burning and he’d be consumed by embarrassment, but scenes like those are common in the place they’re in.

Kihyun immediately holds him, sprawls his palms on Hyunwoo’s back and doesn’t care if his apron is being wet by tears. His blunt nails trace small lines up and down, trying to be comforting, and Hyunwoo starts to relax with such a warm and familiar embrace, even when he was inside of it for two nights, only.

“I sent your mom home”, he whispers. “She was too tired, my mom drove her home.”

“Is he—” Hyunwoo sobs, ugly, a restrained sound coming from his throat, “—is he going to be okay?”

Kihyun pats his back until the older man looks him in the eye. The nurse gives a half-smile, something Hyunwoo knows means ‘I don’t know’, but he says, “He’ll be fine”, anyways.

🐚

Hyunwoo’s sitting on a bench in the hospital yard. There are some people talking, some people smoking, some crying – both of happiness and sadness. He doesn’t really see anyone’s faces, too busy staring down at his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

There are no tears to cry anymore when you simply don’t know why you’re crying. Hyunwoo is sad because his father, a man always so good humored, full of energy and so different from his mother, who’s more silent and introspective, could fall ill like this, in the blink of an eye; but he’s also sad because things are getting out of control and maybe he shouldn’t have kept his hopes high.

Kihyun is working today. He hugged Hyunwoo for a long time but both knew they couldn’t be like this, together, even being what they wanted the most. Kihyun had things to do, other people to comfort, and Hyunwoo didn’t want to bother him.

So he sat alone in the place he thought no one could see him, but at the same time could. Left with his own sadness, didn’t even have the strength to pull his phone out of his pocket to text Hyungwon and Jooheon he was fine, that he arrived safely. He’d do it later; they would understand.

He only raises his head when a pair of blue Crocs enter his line of vision. Raising his head, Kihyun offers him a small smile, a small sandwich and a small orange juice.

“You need to eat”, he says.

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Hyung, it’s been three hours since you’re here.”

Didn’t look like it. For Hyunwoo, felt like only a few minutes.

“If you intend on being here, you need to eat. Your mother doesn’t need another sick person in her family.”

Hyunwoo’s eyebrows go up. The change of expression after so long makes the muscles of his face hurt, but he ignores it and reaches for the food. It’s the second he unpacks the sandwich he realizes he’s starving, hands shaking with the lack of sugar in his body, and thirsty, too, with all the crying and sweating.

“Didn’t bring coffee because it worsens anxiety”, Kihyun explains, taking a seat beside Hyunwoo.

“Weren’t you supposed to be working?”

“I am allowed to take a few breaks. I still have three hours before my shift ends.”

Hyunwoo nods, mouth full. It’s weird, to be sat beside the person he thought the most during these past months. He wished his reunion with Kihyun wasn’t under such a bad circumstance, in a hospital. He wished they had met on the beach, or in a cozy coffee, or in his or Kihyun’s bed.

The silence is too much, somehow. Suffocates more than the tears that threaten to come again soon.

“What happened?” Hyunwoo asks. He didn’t have strength to call his mother, either.

Kihyun fidgets on his seat, small hands crossed over his lap.

“Your mother called me last night saying your father had a fever. It wasn’t high, thirty-seven and a half degrees, so I didn’t worry much. Chemotherapy has lots of side symptoms, and fever is one of them”, he says. Hyunwoo eats another bite of the sandwich, eyes never leaving the sharp side profile of the younger man sat beside him. “So I told her to follow the doctor’s orientations and medicate him like he was used to.”

There’s a pause. Kihyun takes a deep breath.

“At nine in the morning, she called me again. Said the fever hadn’t subdued, that it was reaching thirty-nine. I got worried, because that’s a high, high fever. In any situation it would be worrying, but in his, that has his immune system debilitated, is even worse. So I told her to bring him to the hospital, if she could; otherwise I’d give her a ride.”

He looks at Hyunwoo. He takes a sip of the orange juice, blinking to show he’s listening.

“He was examined by a doctor, not his, and then they called his oncologist. He was under observation, but the fever never got better, and he started to hallucinate.”

“Hallucinate? How?”

Kihyun shrugs. “We don’t know very well. Fever is a body response to a problem that could be an infection. It heightens the temperature of the body because of the high metabolic activity”, Kihyun answers, and even knowing he’s probably saying the most basic thing in the world for someone in his area, Hyunwoo is still impressed with his intelligence. “Then your mother said that he hasn’t been eating for the past days, puked or… You know, everything he ate. These are other side effects of the chemo but that doesn't mean that they aren't alarming, especially because he had a high fever along with all that. The doctor thought it was the best to admit him to the ICU.”

Hyunwoo nods. It seems too much. He didn’t know his father wasn’t eating well, and he had talked with his mother a couple days ago.

His expression seems to give away something, because Kihyun scoots closer and rests his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder. He smells like his shampoo, and Hyunwoo suddenly feels a lot calmer.

“What happens now?” He asks, because there’s nothing else to.

“I don’t want to lie to you”, Kihyun whispers. “I can’t tell you with precision. He’s under observation, and the last time I checked, his body temperature was lowering back to normal. That’s good, at least.”

Hyunwoo eats the last bite of the sandwich. Tastes very much like nothing, but it’s helping to make him feel a bit better.

“We’ll need to wait, hyung”, Kihyun whispers again. There’s a soft breeze that passes by them and Hyunwoo remembers with precision the first time he kissed Kihyun, how his pretty face looked under the last lights of sunset and how hard his heart was beating.

“When my mom called, she said you were with her. At what time was he admitted?”

Kihyun stiffens a bit when Hyunwoo moves to sit more comfortably and tangles their fingers together. They observe both hands, Hyunwoo’s big one, thumb caressing Kihyun’s smaller one.

“At ten”, Kihyun answers.

“You said your shift ends in three hours. It’s nine now, does it mean it should have started at noon?”

Kihyun nods.

“But if you were here with my mother, then, it means you’re doing extra hours?” Hyunwoo asks. He didn’t need to be a genius to do this math, and worry starts creeping up his being, joining what he’s feeling towards his father’s situation.

Kihyun looks a bit like a deer catch in highlights, but disguises it quickly, shaking his head. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Hyunwoo looks at him and coaches Kihyun to raise his head from his shoulder. He didn’t notice before, but there are dark circles under his dark eyes, something that wasn’t there before, during the two weeks they spent together.

“Have you eaten?”

“I—”

“How can you tell me to eat when you probably had nothing all day?” Hyunwoo asks. His voice is harsher than he intended, but he can’t control it.

The tone seems to offend Kihyun, who frowns and puts a bit of distance between them.

“Excuse me, I know how to take care of myself! I’ve been working like this for years, it’s not like I’m going to pass out because of not eating for—”

“Fourteen hours, Kihyun. Fourteen. Aren’t you hungry? Thirsty?” Hyunwoo reaches for the half-finished bottle of juice. “Drink it.”

The smaller man looks down at the liquid, still frowning. “I brought this to you.”

Hyunwoo insists. “Drink it. Stop this.”

“Stop this or drink it?”

Hyunwoo is about to snap but a ghost of a smile is visible in Kihyun’s lips and he relaxes again. The nurse takes the orange juice and drinks it all. Hyunwoo is half distracted by his Adam's apple's movement, half thinking he was indeed thirsty.

Kihyun put the bottle on the ground, next to his feet. Hyunwoo observes there are a few pins on his Crocs – of cats, puppies and hearts.

“Nice shoes.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes. Under the dim light of the yard, his blush is only half-visible. “They’re comfortable, okay?”

Hyunwoo snorts. Another harsh change of expression that makes his face muscles complain.

They stay in silence, then. Sitting side by side on a busy night at the hospital (and which night isn't busy in a place like this, to be honest), breathing, trying to calm their nerves. Hyunwoo knows Kihyun is feeling the anxiety that rolls from his body, by the way his thumb draws random patterns on the back of his hand, by the way he lightly hits his knee on Hyunwoo’s, by the way he rests his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder. He wonders if he’s not fearful of being so public in his affection displays, but thinks no one cares, not when they have their own problems to deal with.

After some time, Hyunwoo gathers the courage that he had a few times before and tilts his head, presses a chaste kiss on the top of Kihyun’s hair.

The younger man looks up. Their eyes meet, but soon they’re only looking at lips, and the desire to close the distance between them is almost irresistible.

“I know it’s not the right moment—”, Kihyun whispers, “—but I’m really happy to see you again.”

Hyunwoo lets himself softly smile. And to think that, in all those months, peace in the form of a man was just a four-hour drive of distance. He feels a little coward, and dumb.

“I’m sorry. I wish I was… Better. In talking”, Hyunwoo replies. He sighs. “I wanted to call.”

“I wanted you to call, too.” Kihyun nods. There’s no resentment on his face, though. His eyes are intensely staring, but he’s serene.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Kihyun shushes him. His eyes move sideways, watching something behind Hyunwoo, and then he turns his head back.

He kisses Hyunwoo. It’s soft. Barely touching, their lips still mold, and Hyunwoo holds his breath while Kihyun lets a small noise of contentment.

“What matters is that you’re here”, he says like the night after their first time.

Hyunwoo nods, and softly kisses him again.

🐚

Funny, it is. The world of dreams that sends messages to the living, that can predict the future and warn about dangers or happiness that are about to happen; the unconscious that works in an unknown way, stands between the real and the imaginary and acts like a real sixth sense.

Two days after his arrival to his hometown, Hyunwoo dreams about his father and his grandmother. They’re standing side by side some distance away from where he is, at the beach. Looks like they’re talking. The sun is high in the sky and there are the sound of waves, the summer breeze and the sounds of leaves rustling and people talking in the distance.

Hyunwoo screams, dad, and his father turns around. In the dream, he’s younger. He still has his entire hair black and his big smile and small eyes have less wrinkles around them, his clothes different from what people usually wear these days.

His grandma turns as well and waves. She’s wearing a blue dress Hyunwoo always liked, a dress she reserved for special occasions like birthdays and holidays. It’s weird that she’s wearing such clothes to the beach, but Hyunwoo still waves, still smiles.

The two continue looking at Hyunwoo for a couple more seconds, until they turn around, join their hands, and start walking in the opposite direction, to the farthest place of the beach.

Hyunwoo wakes up.

🐚

His father dies on a Tuesday morning. It’s sunny, the sky too blue for such a sad day, and maybe it fits.

He got better, amazingly, the night before. Like a miracle. Hyunwoo talked to him on the phone, saw his tired face and heard his small voice, but felt relieved of how wide he was smiling. There’s a great game on the weekend, he said. I’ll get out before Friday so we can watch together.

His mother cries, but he doesn’t. His mind isn't working properly, the last promise still ringing in his head and disbelief, the naïve way he catches himself thinking, he can't have died, I dreamt about him yesterday.

The funeral is scheduled for later that same day. Hyunwoo, as the only son, is in charge of the preparation, and does it on auto-pilot. People express their grief and pay their condolences to him and his mother; Hyungwon asks, very seriously, if he wants them to come and make him company, stay with him those few days he’s going to be in the city. Hyunwoo tells him not to worry (which is in vain, because Minhyuk and Jooheon scream their protests as soon as words leave his mouth) and he feels loved, feels cared for, but tells them he’ll be okay.

The Yoo family is there, too. Kihyun’s father almost acts like a patriarch to them, insists for Hyunwoo to let him help, but Hyunwoo politely denies, saying it’s a burden he needs to go through.

Kihyun stays by his side all the time. Dries the tears that finally fall at the end of the first mourning day, holds Hyunwoo against his chest, small fingers running through his hair, caressing the scalp, saying nothing as a way to make Hyunwoo understand he’ll be fine, that it hurts but it’ll pass, that Kihyun is there with him.

His cry isn't louder than the sound of the waves outside, nor the breeze that enters the open doors of the balcony, nor his own mother’s, but is violent, fat droplets that run intermittently down his cheeks, his jawline, wets both his and Kihyun’s shirt.

It’s living dead, then.

A week passes by and Hyunwoo only eats because Kihyun insists for him to do so, visiting even after his work days. His mother is practically living in the Son’s house, too, helping Hyunwoo’s mother, and it’s funny how the son is doing the exact same thing to the other son.

The legacy of their parents' deep friendship, perhaps.

🐚

Hyunwoo wakes up in the middle of the night with the howl of the wind and a summer rain falling outside. It’s heavy like his heart, wetting everything, even the corner of the futon, because the balcony’s door is open.

He gets up groggily to close it and feels someone complaining behind him – Kihyun.

His body was curled against Hyunwoo’s back, breathing against his neck, a hand on his waist. It’s also a bit funny, because the size difference is noticeable; yet, Hyunwoo was being big-spooned by someone smaller.

He lies down on the futon again and stares at Kihyun sleeping, unstirred by the storm outside. A warm presence that’s constant whenever there is chaos, even when they were children.

For the first time in days, something else fills Hyunwoo’s body. It’s gratitude. Grateful for the small man lying beside him and his big heart.

Kihyun has been sleeping with him every single day. Hyunwoo wonders if both parents question it, both too old to be having sleepovers, even when Kihyun works a twelve-hours shift. He for sure saw many people dying and many people suffering, but Hyunwoo feels his chest impossibly tight with the sight of him being so caring towards his loss.

Obviously; it’s because they grew up together, because their fathers also had a big connection.

But it’s more than this.

Hyunwoo caresses Kihyun’s cheek as lightly as he physically can, draws patterns on the soft skin and watches as the body stirs, as Kihyun slowly escapes Morpheus’ arms and blinks, eyes glassy and confused before he relaxes again.

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice rough with sleep, too small but at the same loud in the quietness of the room. The rain has subsided a bit, but still falls outside.

Hyunwoo looks at him and smiles. It’s the first time he smiles in a long time.

“I love you”, he whispers. Kihyun’s eyes widen, completely awake now, and he raises himself in one arm, looks down at Hyunwoo, his dark hair messy and his cheeks flushed.

“What?”

“I love you”, Hyunwoo repeats. “Thank you.”

Kihyun’s eyes move quickly from side to side, scanning Hyunwoo’s entire face. He sees exactly what it is: pure sincerity.

His smile is bright as the sun that will shine outside in the morning. Like the certainty of every new day, of a sunrise, Kihyun is comforting and happy and a lighthouse in the middle of the storm.

So Hyunwoo kisses him. Kisses him and lets himself be kissed back; lets small hands roam over his body, to carefully undress him and hisses at sharp teeth that bite his neck, his chest, his arms and even his fingers, playfully.

He also maps Kihyun’s body slower, this time. Differently from the past encounters, Hyunwoo now takes his time, kisses every and single one of Kihyun’s moles and beauty marks; from the one over his lips and on his cheek to the twin ones he has on both arms, all of sprawled ones on his thighs like a constellation, and Kihyun sighs, moans and pants, his back arching from the futon as Hyunwoo takes him in his mouth, pleasured in pleasuring, in watching how he comes undone in the middle of the night.

And then Hyunwoo lets Kihyun turn tables, lets him crawls over his body with his smaller one, lets blunt nails make half-moon shapes on his shoulders as Kihyun braces himself and sinks down, deep; small movements of his hips, controlled, gasps that fail in being controlled and dark eyes that stare so intently Hyunwoo feels himself blushing.

Such power coming from such a small man; such a big place he occupies in Hyunwoo’s mind and heart.

While it lasts, Hyunwoo lets his consciousness drift, and it’s like he’s lost in a dream, with Kihyun towering over him, possessive, hot, controlling. Another out of body experience that only proves to be real when Hyunwoo feels the bubble inside his lower stomach snap and he falls apart into small pieces, Kihyun continuing unperturbed until he’s also dissolving into the universe, both of them trapped in each other’s embrace.

Kihyun kisses Hyunwoo and tells him he’s loved, too.

🐚

For the second time, Hyunwoo needs to go home. He already missed a lot of work and it isn't good, the rent isn't going to pay itself even with Jooheon and Hyungwon ensuring him it’s fine, that he should take care of his family.

So nine days after his father’s death, Hyunwoo comes back to the capital. There’s a second farewell, and Kihyun is still smiling, still firm, the shore, the lighthouse, and Hyunwoo feels a little stronger, a little more assured.

“I’ll call you”, he promises and smiles, inevitably, with the dimples on top of Kihyun’s cheeks as he laughs.

“Don’t feel pressured to do it”, he answers, but Hyunwoo knows he’ll still wait for it.

The pain subsided a bit. It still feels like sometimes he can’t breathe, that he’ll never stop crying again, but it’s smaller every day.

Again, life goes on.

🐚

The summer is long gone. The leaves fall and the streets assume their usual orange tone, and soon it'll be Halloween, and Hyunwoo will need to deal with Changkyun and Jooheon wanting to do a small party in their apartment, a little goodbye one. Minhyuk and Hyungwon are searching for other places, planning on moving in together. It’s sad, but it’s expected. Privacy (much needed) for them, and Minhyuk’s eyes are shinier than ever, showing the compromise ring Hyungwon gave him at every opportunity he has.

It rains when Hyunwoo exits the office. He runs to the subway, gets a bit wet, has to deal with water falling down his face and the aircon of the car. It's a little less busy than normally, being good two hours past the time he usually goes home; overworking isn't good but helps him think less, helps him deal with things better.

He opens the door with a tired sigh and kicks off his work shoes. He looks down while does it, absently; there are Minhyuk’s bright Converse, Hyungwon’s work shoes, Jooheon’s and Changkyun’s Nikes, and it seems they’re all home, by the way he hears the second oldest’s loud voice coming from the kitchen.

Hangs the jacket on the hanger behind the door, puts his backpack on the floor and enters the place, walking slowly.

As soon as he crosses the hall towards the kitchen, he stops.

Jooheon has his hip against the sink, a cup of tea on his hands, talking animatedly; Hyungwon is sat by the counter, Changkyun on his right side while Minhyuk is on his feet, leaning over the counter, also talking.

But there is a man, with his back turned to Hyunwoo, who laughs loudly at something Changkyun murmurs, rolling his eyes. Hyunwoo knows that laugh.

It’s Hyungwon who sees him first. His baby cheeks go all the way up, raising the mug he’s probably drinking black coffee on, even being eight at night.

“Hyung! Welcome home.”

All the eyes turn to him, including dark ones in a face as sharp as delicate, and Hyunwoo loses his balance for half a second.

Kihyun tilts his head and there are dimples on the tops of his cheeks and his hair is shorter, cut on the sides like the first time they met.

“What are you doing here?” Is what dumbly gets out of Hyunwoo’s mouth.

It has Minhyuk straightening up, a hand on his waist and furrowed brows. “Is this the way you’ll greet your boyfriend?”

He’s ignored by both. Kihyun shrugs, chuckling.

“I told your mom I missed you. So she gave me your address, and I came.”

Hyunwoo blinks. He’s stunned. His cheeks are red like the tips of his ears and Jooheon and Changkyun laugh at his reaction.

“So you just—So you came? Packed your things and came?”

“Ever heard of the phrasing, ‘If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain’?” Kihyun asks. “I came to see the mountain.”

Hyunwoo blinks again, and suddenly weeks of tiredness and blue feelings evaporate.

He laughs, and everybody laughs with him.

🐚

“So you really just decided on coming? Didn’t think twice?”

Kihyun nods. He’s sweaty and spent, lying over Hyunwoo’s body, the nightlamp bathing then in a comforting, soft yellow light. His small hands are open against Hyunwoo’s chest, supporting his chin.

“Your mother gave me your address one day, I worked in the other. So I planned it and came.”

“How?”

“Train.”

“You need to go back—”

“Not until Sunday.”

Hyunwoo smiles. He can’t believe Kihyun is in his bedroom, in his bed, being held by him. Their limbs are tangled under the sheets, and there are sounds coming from the outside, Minhyuk and Jooheon’s loud voices singing a girl group song Hyunwoo doesn’t recognize.

“What happened? Who opened the door for you?”

“The blonde. Is it blonde? Something between light brown and blonde? The very loud one.” Kihyun frowns a bit.

Hyunwoo snorts. “Minhyuk.”

“Is he your roommate?”

“He’s sorta married to my roommate. Hyungwon. Tall, black hair.”

“Oh, okay. I noticed the rings but didn’t assume anything.”

“They’re planning on moving in together soon. They have been together since high school.”

Kihyun’s eyebrows go up. “Really? Long time, then.”

“They’re childhood friends, too”, Hyunwoo says, thumb caressing Kihyun’s tailbone, and the smaller man smiles, comes closer and kisses him sweetly.

“What about the other two? Jooheon has dimples, and—”

“Changkyun.”

“Changkyun. Are they married, too?”

“No, but Changkyunnie almost lives here as well. They’re nice.”

“So you’re living your life as a fifth-wheel?”

Hyunwoo laughs, Kihyun laughs with him.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I wish you stayed forever.”

It’s a heavy confession and maybe isn't the right time nor place, but Hyunwoo still says it because it’s what his heart wants him to.

Kihyun laughs. His eyes are pretty, and his small hand cups Hyunwoo’s cheek.

“I doubt I could live without the beach.”

“Oh, yeah.” Hyunwoo clicks his tongue. “There’s that.”

“Yeah.”

They look at each other for a couple moments, just breathing, hearts beating at the same rhythm.

“I don’t think I want a long-distance relationship”, Hyunwoo whispers.

Kihyun smirks. “We’re in a relationship, now?”

“Well, you kinda asked for my hand when you gave me the shell.” Hyunwoo gestures to the item over his bedside table, and Kihyun laughs. “And the flowers.”

Kihyun frowns. “Which flowers?”

“The bouquet you gave me when I moved out”, Hyunwoo explains.

Kihyun seems shocked, and Hyunwoo feels a bit proud.

“You still remember it?”

“I have the picture and the flowers. I’ll show you.”

He receives another kiss – it lasts longer, and it’s less sweet and more desirous. The hand on Kihyun’s lower back goes up until he’s holding his small waist.

“Me neither”, he says.

“You, neither, what?”

“I don’t want a long-distance relationship.”

They stare at each other. Outside, there are no waves, but cars.

🐚

Hyunwoo wakes up with the first rays of sun. They should buy a black-out curtain if it’s going to hit his face every time it rises.

He turns to the side, too lazy to properly do something about the sun, to stare at Kihyun’s sleeping face. His delicate mouth is a bit open, chest raising up and down with calm breathing, small hand folded in a fist, holding the covers all the way up his chin.

The sun falls a bit over him, Hyunwoo fails to cover him completely, and makes the ring on his finger shine. Hyunwoo stares and stares and stares and it still isn't enough. He feels excited, wants Kihyun to wake up soon at the same time he wants him to rest, having done a fifteen-hour shift the day before.

“I love you”, Hyunwoo breathes into the air. Doesn’t even speak, produces no sound, just lips moving – yet Kihyun seems to hear, seems to feel, and scoots closer, blindly reaching for Hyunwoo’s big body to embrace him.

He pays attention to the sounds coming from outside. Seagulls, and the waves. It’s louder than he would normally hear from his mother's house, the beach a few squares away.

Hyunwoo closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep, lulled by Kihyun’s steady breathing.

The sun rises up and up until it isn't illuminating the couple’s bedroom, anymore.

Instead, it comes through the living room’s balcony. It falls first on a blue and brown shell inside a small glass jar, sitting over a bit of sand, and then on a framed picture of Kihyun, wearing a white shirt, the sea behind him. Hyunwoo took the picture.

March isn't summer, but when you live with someone who shines brighter than the sun, it is.

🐚