Chapter Text
Upon the return to the pub, Bailey said nothing. She brushed past the reaching arms of her mama and papa and skirted around the edge of the room to avoid Chris as she went to lock herself in one of the bathrooms. The whispering started, and she knew that Sam was telling everyone what happened. She gritted her teeth and sunk to the floor, putting her head in her knees and trying to block out their whispers and loud thoughts echoing in her mind. Over the next ten minutes, Ale, papa, and Bruno attempted to get her to come out. She ignored the words of her family but the scratching of Bruno’s nails against the wood of the door got to her the most.
It was only when everyone finally left her alone did she allow herself to cry. Tears flew fast down her cheeks and she choked on the pathetic noises leaving her throat in an effort to stay as quiet as possible. How the hell was she supposed to do this? She knew this world was different and harsher, but she had been able to keep herself until now.
Now….now she didn’t know what to think or who she was. Maybe abuelo’s farm was too sheltered from what things were really like. And now that she was coming to terms with the world around her, she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t be the strong, tomboyish girl who bent the rules and got what she wanted. Maybe she needed to fall in place with her mama, finding a man to do the hard work and keeping herself in line - even though she knew mama was the real head of the household….
The thought made a watery smile crack across her face and she reached up to wipe away the signs of her crying. It was inevitable that she would have to leave to face the others and start packing up their things. They were headed out tomorrow, after all.
Carefully, she opened the door, noting that Chris was keeping watch nearby. His head shot up when he noticed her coming out, and Bruno approached her gingerly from his side. She gave him a quick stroke on his head and moved toward the corner of the room where she had all of her things. Chris hobbled over as quickly as he could, but she did her best to ignore him, not wanting to think about him right now. He had made things confusing and wouldn’t allow her to think straight.
Bailey bent down to start shoving things in her backpack, not bothering to do so neatly. She could feel Chris hovering, silent for only a moment before he spoke.
“I heard about what happened.”
Her chest squeezed her heart tightly, ramming it up into her throat. Chris was usually one to give space when needed, but she had a feeling he wouldn’t this time.
“So?” she choked out.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” he murmured. “I’ve been in those situations before.”
“Thanks.”
She tried her hardest to ignore him, but the only thing she could think about was his presence beside her.
“Do you want to talk about it? You’ve been…off lately.”
Breathe. Just breathe.
What was she supposed to say? That she almost died and it was partially his fault for distracting her? Was she supposed to tell him that she was glad she was alive to replay the moment she shot abuelo’s brains out over and over until the vomit was spilling from her lips? Her fingers twitched against the fabric of the backpack as her eyes shifted rapidly back and forth, trying to refocus.
“I just want to help. You’ve helped me…a lot more than I’d like to admit. Talking might-”
Bailey stood up abruptly, spinning to face him. It seemed like keeping her emotions under control lately was something she just couldn’t do.
“There’s nothing to talk about!” Her voice was firm but hushed. “It was a close call. It happens. Nothing more.”
Chris stared at her, his damn puppy eyes studying her face as he swallowed all the words he had been planning to say. He reached out to place a hand on her shoulder but stopped halfway before retracting it. Good. He was picking up on cues. She moved to go around him, but he suddenly latched onto her wrist, his skin warm against hers.
“What’s going on, Bailey? I just….care about you.”
Bailey’s stomach fluttered, but her mind screamed. She couldn’t deal with this right now. The conflicting emotions were driving her crazy. Feel sad that abuelo is dead, feel scared to not have a home base, feel unsure about who she even was, feel something for Chris….. She couldn’t do it.
“What isn’t going on? We have nowhere to stay, not enough supplies. I can’t hold a gun without thinking about abuelo. When I think about you, I get so distracted that I almost get eaten by the muertos.”
She inhaled sharply.
His eyes darkened.
Mierda…
“I didn’t…. No that’s not what I meant,” she spluttered.
He released her wrist and turned away, doing his best to hobble away. Her feet cemented to the floor and she stood like a fish out of water, mouth agape and eyes wide, as he went to the bathroom and closed the door. As if her already overwhelming emotions needed something else added….
“Fuck,” she spat, kicking over a bottle of liquor that exploded against the wall.
Bruno whined, stepping away from her to avoid the glass strewn across the floor.
Footsteps bounded over and she looked over her shoulder to see that papa had appeared.
“Pequeño, what happened? Are you alright?”
Bailey took in a deep breath, turning slowly and doing her best to wipe the conflicting emotions off her face. “I knocked over a bottle. Was an accident….”
He squeezed her shoulder. “It’s okay. Just be more careful, okay?”
She nodded, dropping her head for a moment, letting her bangs flutter into her eyes. He moved a little closer, squeezing her gently to himself, and she turned slightly to return the hug.
“Te amo,” he murmured in her ear, planting a kiss on the side of her head.
“Yo también te amo,” she returned.
This must have reassured him enough that she was okay because he moved away, stopping after a few steps.
“We are leaving first thing. The best route is headed to the states. Going back home.”
Home. What was that anymore? San Diego had been, once, but who knew what was left of it? She wasn’t even sure she wanted to be back home anymore. Seeing her childhood home and neighborhood all abandoned and crumbling would only throw her more into a spiral of emotions. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to make it back. Maybe they’d get halfway before having to turn somewhere else. Maybe they’d die before then.
She wanted to cry, do something to get all of these emotions out, but she had cried herself dry. What else was she supposed to do? All she needed was to get these emotions out somehow so she could think clearly.
It seemed no one wanted to leave her alone today because Samuel decided to come over to her, maybe noticing the tension in her shoulders.
“Hermana,” he muttered, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Come walk with me. Please.”
Bailey’s eyes fluttered to his soft features, his pleading eyes and pouted lips breaking her resolve enough to obey.
He led her outside, past Alejandro and Papa. The arid temperature outside was welcoming compared to the dark mustiness of the pub, and the gentle breeze took the bite out of the heat enough to be comfortable. For a moment, they stand in silence, eyes wandering across the barren street. She wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to say, but she was preparing herself for more of the same.
“I’m sorry we haven’t been considering how you’re feeling about all of this,” he said, turning his head toward her. “I know there really isn’t an excuse. We just love you so much.”
She gnawed at her lip, eyes flickering down as she soaked in his words. Definitely not what she was expecting. “Thank you.”
Taking a deep sigh, she finally turned to look at him. His gaze was still soft, but there was something else in his eyes. A knowing, that made her feel nervous all of a sudden. What did he know and wasn’t letting on?
“I just feel like I’ve never been able to be myself,” she admitted, suddenly unable to stop the words spilling from her lips. “I try to help because it’s what I want to do and no one wants me to. They think that I’m just a girl and shouldn’t do anything that a man does. But I’m the only one here who has done the hard things. I killed abuelo. I rescued Chris. And I’m the one who’s dealing with all this shit! ”
Sam breathed deeply, letting her get worked up for a minute before he moved closer so they were shoulder to shoulder. “I know. And I’m sorry, conejito.”
The nickname shoved a bittersweet ache deep in her chest. Abuelo was the only one who ever called her that.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m trying not to let this world change me but I’m not sure that’s possible,” she admitted, wringing her fingers together.
“Bailey, look at me.” Sam gripped her shoulder, lowering himself slightly. “You are a strong girl. You’ve always been that way. This world will change us all, in some way. But you will always be kind and brave and strong. Nothing will ever change that, okay? Not this world. Not any person. Do you understand me, hermana?”
And just like that, she was crying again. She wiped away the tears as they flew down her face, the smallest of smiles poking through her expression. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear but somehow Sam knew. He always knew. As much as she loved both her brothers, Sam was always the one to support and understand her the most.
Sam’s arms curled her into his chest, and she pressed her face into his shoulder, breathing in his familiar scent and letting it wash over her in a wave of calm. Things still felt confusing and all over the place, but this moment helped her to pick up some of the pieces and brace herself to go on a little bit longer.
The two of them embraced for a few minutes before he pulled away and stood up. “Te amo.”
Bailey smiled, wiping her face. “ Yo también te amo.”
For a moment, everything felt lighter. At least she was able to get some of the things that she was worried about off her chest. Of course, it wouldn’t negate everything, especially with Chris. She still didn’t know how she was going to do damage control after their conversation.
“So there is one more thing I wanna talk to you about,” Sam said, interrupting her thoughts.
“Hmm? Sorry, what?” Bailey turned her head toward him.
“When are you going to tell Chris?”
She paused. Tell him what? About all of the things she was struggling with? He already knew a lot of them, save for the biggest one. How would that help anything?
“Tell him what? That I’m having an identity crisis?” She snorted.
Sam’s lips quirked up in a way that made her stomach drop and she wasn’t sure why. Whatever he was playing at seemed to have some sort of foreboding edge to it that made her nervous.
“Come on. You know what I’m saying.”
Bailey began to gnaw at her lip, her thoughts immediately flying to her blossoming crush on the boy. There’s no way he would know about that. She hadn’t said anything to anyone and she never acted like she liked him. They just acted like friends, maybe less than that lately, but that was all explainable because of her other emotional battles.
“When are you gonna tell him that you like him?” Sam clarified.
“What do you mean?” she said quickly, doing everything she could to force away the flush spreading across her cheeks. She felt like she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
“C’mon, Bailey. Don’t tell me you’re oblivious to it too.”
She didn’t know what to say. Growing up, she never really talked about boys, mostly because she had brothers and Alejandro had always been one to intimidate anyone that looked at her wrong. Now, knowing that Sam had somehow figured it out, made her unsure how to proceed. There was no way he would believe her if she said no, and she had a feeling that he wouldn’t let her get out of this conversation that easily.
“I just…it’s really…,” she tried, mouth bobbing open like a fish out of water.
Sam took pity on her and put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. “Let me tell you something, Bailey. You’re growing up. I’d be a fool to believe otherwise and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t happen to me too. I know what a crush looks like, and I know what it’s like to love someone…not that I’m saying that’s what you feel right now, but I know what it’s like.”
Her mind was reeling and her face felt hot. Who had her brother even loved? And why in the hell was he the one talking to her about boys?
“It’s hard enough to figure these things out in a normal world. I can’t imagine what it’s like in this one. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. I think in a world like this, we should all try a little harder.”
Bailey bit her cheek, finally daring to look at him. His eyes were soft, but still a storm of affection, bittersweetness, and acceptance. Taking a deep breath, she nodded, finally able to find the right words.
“I’m just scared,” she admitted. “When the muertos almost got me, it was because I couldn’t stop thinking about him and what everything meant…. I don’t want to get anyone hurt because I can’t think straight.”
He nodded, clicking his tongue against his teeth and looking back down at her. “I understand. But I think you can have a level head and be in love. Sometimes it gives us the ability to make the right things a priority. I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t think you should write it off because of that.”
“Well…even if I wanted to, I kinda screwed it up.” She laughed bitterly, kicking a small rock.
“What do you mean?”
“I kinda told him it was his fault that I almost got eaten by muertos….”
Sam cursed softly under his breath. “Why would you do that?”
“I was just….feeling a lot of emotions and he was pushing me to open up and it just came out…. I don’t…I don’t know how to deal with all of these emotions, hermano….”
“Hey, it can be fixed if you want it to be.” He reached his hand to tilt her chin and make her look at him. “And you don’t have to try and push these emotions away. Feel them. Live them. The good, and the bad.”
“You want me to relive shooting abuelo?” she asked in disbelief.
“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “The more you push them away, the more they haunt you. When you feel them and accept them, you’ll get the peace you’re seeking.”
Bailey’s eyes darted across his face, the gears in her brain processing his words. Maybe there was truth in his words. She had spent so much time trying to fight everything and push it away, that it ended up being the only thing she thought about. It wasn’t going to be easy but…maybe she had to try.
“Okay.”
That answer seemed good rough for Sam, and he turned away slightly, bringing his gaze back to the wasteland in front of them. She mimicked, jaw clenching and unclenching as she mused over his words and tried to get them straight in her head. Her first step would inevitably be to try and talk to Chris and make this right. The mere thought of it made her palms sweat.
“Go to him. Fix it,” Sam said, his gaze still locked on the abandoned town.
She didn’t need to be told twice. With a final glance at her brother, she turned to head back inside. Papa and Mama were still packing some things in the corner and Alejandro had joined. She didn’t see Chris on the other side of the pub and the door to the bathroom was open. Where had he gone?
With quick feet, she scurried to the only other place, the kitchen and storage area in the back. She rounded the corner, stopping in her tracks when she spotted the boy she was looking for, bag slung over his shoulder and cane to lean against as he hobbled to the back door. Was he leaving?
“Chris…?”
Her words came out in a quiet strangled noise, but it was enough to get his attention. Slowly he turned, his eyes clouded with a storm of emotions, glossy against the sunlight streaming through the window. His silence only made the pit in her stomach deepen, but she took a cautious step forward.
“Where….where are you going?”
“I didn’t want to hold you up. Didn’t want to… distract you,” he answered, his words carrying a hidden bite.
“Chris…please. That’s not…not what I meant. Let me explain,” she tried, daring another step forward.
“You don’t have to explain. I get it. I knew this was all too good to be true. I’m still a monster like I always was. I screw it up, hurt people I care about. And then they don’t want me anymore.”
Panic began to rise and she moved again, causing him to flinch back slightly. “No Chris. You’re not a monster. I…I really care about you.”
“It didn’t seem like that earlier.”
“I do!” Her voice rose, quivering slightly with the strain of emotion building in her throat. “So much has happened since I met you, Chris. I don’t know how to…how to process everything. I promise it has nothing to do with you. I really do care about you and I like having you around....”
“It must if you’re taking it out on me. You don’t have to spare my feelings, Bailey. It was stupid of me to think any of this was real. We’ll both be better off away from each other.”
Bailey’s eyes widened when he started to turn again, with the clear intent of leaving the conversation that way and leaving without another word. Her heart stuttered and she moved without thinking, grabbing onto his wrist. He turned, eyes narrowing slightly and eyebrows furrowing.
“I’m done, Bailey! You don’t have to lie to me anymore. I know-”
She did the only thing her chaotic mind could think of doing to get him to shut up.
She kissed him.
His eyes widened in her vision just before she closed her eyes, pressing her lips firmly against his, her grip on his wrist loosening when he relaxed. It was awkward, more so on her end than his, and she was sure her heart was beating outside of her chest, open and bare to him in a way that made her blissfully uncomfortable.
The kiss wasn’t overly long, but long enough to convey the message she had been trying and failing to deliver. She slowly opened her eyes, swallowing thickly as she peered at him through her lashes. His eyes had softened - a much more suitable shade for his big eyes - and he was biting back a smile. Her face flushed and she looked away quickly.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Chris. I just have been thinking about you a lot…obviously. And it’s kept my mind occupied, which is in no way your fault so I’m not blaming you, I’m just…not sure how to handle these emotions,” she admitted, reaching up to rub the back of her neck as her eyes darted along the cracks in the wall.
His warm hand grasped hers, and she couldn’t force away the instinct of her eyes as they flickered over to him, finally landing on his face.
“We can figure them out together.”