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“Are you fucking serious,” she hissed. “Why would you look that up, you weirdo?”
A solemn nod was her friend’s answer. “I mean, haven’t you ever wondered why it looks the way it does? Why that shape in particular?”
“Absolutely not. Why should I? I don’t have one.”
Her friend cackled,” But I think you should~ After all Takemichi, aren’t you fucking my brother and Hinata-kun?”
“Emma, why are you so vulgar ,” Takemichi whisper-screeched.
Emma snorted and rolled her eyes,” Says the one with two dicks up her pussy–”
“Oh my dear Lord, please smite me where I stand.”
Emma cackles again while Takemichi rubbed her face with both hands, trying to think of an excuse to leave the restaurant. She wants to book it home and forget about what Emma just told her. It’s so fucking weird and stupid and who even cares to think about that kind of stuff? Certainly not Hanagaki Takemichi! She would’ve never asked herself that question and would’ve lived a blissfully ignorant life, had it not been for one Sano Emma. Now she has to live with this new, unwanted information in her head for the rest of her life.
“It’s hilarious how every part of a man has evolved as a way to respond to competition,” Emma notes out loud. She waves her chopsticks in the air and then dives down for a piece of shumai.
“Men! Such strange creatures.” And with that, she pops the piece of food straight into her mouth, humming with delight. She looks up to see her dark haired friend rubbing her face still and snorts,” Enough, Takemichi! You’ll ruin your pretty face. Here, here. This place has awesome dim sum. Try their pork shumai.”
A long sigh escapes Takemichi’s lips and an elegant brow raises on Emma’s face. She asks,” Does it bother you that much?”
“I mean,” Takemichi starts. She picks up her own pair of chopsticks and stabs a shrimp dumpling. “Yeah, it bothers me but like… I don’t know how to explain it.”
Emma laughs again. “Don’t worry too much, ‘michi. It’s just some dumb fact on the internet. It may not even be true! Besides, who cares? We don’t gotta worry~ All we gotta do is bat our eyelashes and make kissy faces. It’s the guys’ issue, not ours! Let’s just eat, be merry, sneak some alcohol into the theaters, and then watch the reshowing of ‘Princess and the Frog’ and move on!”
Takemichi stares at her friend and then nods, shoveling the dumpling into her mouth. “You’re right, let’s eat good food and watch some shitty, children’s movie and forget about the guys!”
“I’ll raise a toast to that.” Emma grins, raising her tea cup up. Takemichi clinks her own tea cup and downs the warm drink with a smile.
Indeed, why was she so aggravated by that new knowledge? It was just like what Emma was saying it was: a dumb little fact.
There was no need to worry, at all .
At the movies, a certain song plays and Emma and Takemichi are the loudest ones there, screaming and hollering and laughing like it's the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. They can’t help it. The timing of the song after learning about that is too funny. After that song, the girls are mentally gone. They can’t stop laughing. Other people in the theater give them a nasty look but they don’t care.
They leave the theater slightly tipsy, cackling,” Ya gotta dig~ a little deeper~!!”
Takemichi loves her boyfriends.
Takemichi loves them both dearly, and she knew that they did too.
Sweet, sweet Hinata with his handsome face and kind personality that makes ladies swoon. And wild and charismatic Mikey who garners all the attention in the room, no matter where he is. It’s a miracle to her that she was able to somehow attract two hotties like them. And while everyone else around them would say otherwise, Takemichi still can’t believe how lucky she is to be dating both of them.
But now, she thinks, she is not so lucky.
“Takemichi-kun? What’s wrong?”
“Are you okay? You look constipated, Takemitchy.”
“Don’t tell a lady that they look constipated, Manjiro.”
“I’m just stating the obvious.”
Takemichi squeezes her bare thigh, chewing down on her lips. She’s looking down and away from her two sexy boyfriends who are looming over her. She just came back from the movies with Emma when the two pounced on her. They dragged her to their bedroom, kissing and sucking on her skin, whispering promises of a steamy night to her. They’re both shirtless and she’s in her underwear. They’re about to have sex, but Takemichi can’t look at them.
A soft hand reaches out and strokes her face, but she doesn’t budge.
“Don’t laugh,” she mentally screams. “ Don’t you fucking laugh, Hanagaki Takemichi.”
“‘michi, love? Look at us?”
Takemichi shuts her eyes tightly. She can feel the laughter threatening to escape her lips.
Another hand slides up her thigh, pushing itself under her own hand and intertwining their fingers.
“Is something wrong?”
“Damn you, Emma! Damn you!!” Takemichi shakes her head, but continues to look away. She can feel the accusatory looks that her boyfriends are sending her.
“I’m just trying to be polite, I swear. It’s nothing, I swear to God,” she wants to say. Instead, she can hear Mama Odie cackling in her head, singing that stupid, stupid , funny song.
By now, Takemichi’s shaking and the two men take it the wrong way.
“Takemitchy, are you mad at us,” her now-worried Manjiro calls out.
“Did we do something wrong? I told you we should’ve just waited–”
“You’re acting like I’m the only one who wants to have sex here, Mr ‘ Takemichi-kun-looks-so-pretty-and-sexy-and-I-wanna-bite-her-thighs’ !”
“I-i did not say that!!”
“Sure, and I’m Santa Claus--”
Takemichi is rocking back and forth now, tears threatening to fall and her stomach aching from how hard she’s trying not to laugh. She does her best to try and think of other things to get her into the mood, because she still wants to have sex, but– but!!
“Oi, stop taking digs at me, you horny bastard.”
“You’re the one ‘taking digs ’ at me!”
“Ya gotta dig a little deeper!”
A snort escapes her lips and Takemichi immediately clamps her hands over her mouth. It’s too late though, her boyfriends look at her with wide eyes.
“Takemichi-kun?
“Takemitchy?”
She waves her hand and stutters,” I-it’s no– snrk-- thing–nothing!! I swear, it-- pfft– it’s NOTHING at all–”
She looks at her boyfriends and immediately regrets that decision. She can hear Emma’s voice underneath the cacophony of Mama Odie and her animal choir. Her pretty blue eyes trail down from their handsome faces.
“Did you know that there’s a reason why a guy’s penis is shaped the way it is? Apparently, they classify it to be a very specialized tool .”
“YA GOTTA DIG A LITTLE DEEPER!!”
Down their sculpted chests.
“There’s research that suggests that the penis evolved to be some sort of fucking shovel–”
“YOU GOT TO DIG (DIG)!”
Down their abs.
“--and the reason why the tip is shaped like a mushroom with all those ridges is so that it can scrape out other men’s semen out of the pussy–”
“YOU GOT TO DIG (DIG)!!”
And lands on the front of their crotches. The outline of their hard cocks visible in their boxers.
“so when they’re thrustin’ in and out, they’re just shoveling out the last dude’s cum like Bob the Builder or something. Even inside the pussy, they're fucking competing with each other–”
“DIG!! A LITTLE!! DEEPER!!”
In an instant, Takemichi flops forward, cackling and howling like a hyena. She clutches her stomach, tears streaming down her face. She can’t look at her boyfriends’ dicks without thinking about Emma’s ‘Bob the Builder’ reference and Mama Odie’s swinging hips without bursting out into laughter.
On the other hand, her boyfriends look dumbfounded. Hinata is the first one to process what’s going on and gently puts his hand on Takemichi’s back.
“Baby, w…what’s so funny?”
“S-shovel–dig– haha– i-i-can’t–have mercy– ”
Both Mikey and Hinata look at each other, their hard-ons immediately softening at the sight of their poor, laughing girlfriend.
“Takemitchy, what on earth–”
“Y-you guys,” Takemichi stutters. She raises herself up, trying to compose herself. “I love you guys. But I just– haha– I really can’t–I’m going to throw up laughing tonight–”
Takemichi rolls out of bed, walking to the door on shaking legs, giggling all the way out.
“Fucking Emma, haha,” they hear her laugh. “I’m going to beat her up, snrrrrkk .”
The abandoned men stare at the door that their beautiful girlfriend has left and then look back at each other.
“Huh?”
“What?”
“Emma did what?”
“She kept looking at me and then started laughin’. Fucking laughing like a squealing chihuahua whenever she saw me. Wouldn’t explain why either, just kept singing some Disney song and went to bed like that. ”
“I bet something happened on their girl’s day out.”
“No kiddin’.”
“I’ll grill Emma about it in the mornin’. Doubt that Takemitchy was laughing at you two though.”
“Thanks, Ken-chin.”
“Thank you, Draken-kun!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Takemichi loves her boyfriends. She really, really does.
But in this moment, as the two of them have her trapped her in the hallway of their apartment, she thinks that maybe she should run.
“Hina? Mikey?”
“Ta-ke-mi-tchy~ So what did you and Emma talk about the other day,” Mikey asks. He has a nasty grin on his face and Takemichi feels the hair on her arms stand up immediately.
“I heard from Draken-kun that you guys were talking about something very interesting. Something about shovels , right Manjiro.” A dark smile spreads across Hinata’s face and Takemichi starts trying to move away from her lovers.
“S-shovels? Whatever do you both mean,” Takemichi stutters.
She knows those looks. Every time they have those looks, it never ends well for Takemichi.
Mikey leans forward and whispers close to her ear,” Shall we show you then?”
Hinata takes Takemichi’s hand and brings it up to his lips. “Let’s see if that theory you and Emma were talking about is actually true.”
“W-wait! W-we don’t have to go that far, right?? C’mooon, let’s go to the Farmer’s Market instead, okay?”
“Ah, ah, ahh,” Mikey shushes. Immediately, Takemichi feels his arm loop around her waist and then her body gets yoinked up on top of Mikey’s shoulder. She shrieks as she feels Hinata’s hand slide up from her thigh to her ass.
“I think we can afford to miss the market today. Today we’re gonna be doing lots of tests~”
“Don’t worry, baby. We’ll make sure to do a good job so that you have no time to start laughing.”
Takemichi curses as the three march into their bedroom, shutting the door right after them.