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Adam’s blue ocean of happiness enveloped Caleb as he came out of his car and walked towards his boyfriend. He could feel Adam’s excitement from inside the vehicle, but the feeling intensified when he got outside. It was like diving into a pool on a hot summer afternoon. Refreshing, energising, and calming. It was all Caleb needed at the moment.
He hugged Adam. Tight. And for longer than he usually would. He closed his eyes and nested his face in Adam’s neck, breathing in Adam's comforting scent and emotions.
Adam didn’t need to be an empath to tell something was off. His giddiness at seeing his boyfriend for the first time in weeks dissipated as he furrowed his brow and gingerly lifted Caleb’s face to meet his gaze.
“Babe?” he asked. “Everything ok?”
And that did it. Prickly, icy-blue worry crept into Caleb, knotting up his throat and making him release the sob he’d been holding back. His eyes started burning with tears he couldn’t blink away.
“Goddammit Adam, why’d you have to ask?” he laughed weakly.
“Shhh, hey.” Adam reached to wipe the tears that were starting to stream down Caleb’s face, “Talk to me. What happened?”
Caleb inhaled sharply, “yeah just… Can we not do this out here? Can we get in the car or something?”
“Of course. Let’s go to my apartment. I’ll drive” Adam offered.
“No, not your apartment, please.” Caleb shook his head. “I don’t want Caitlin to see me like this.”
“Caitlin’s not at home right now. She went for groceries. It should be a while until she comes back.” Caleb was still unsure. "Come on," Adam squeezed his hand, "I'll make that fancy chamomile tea you like?"
Caleb finally caved and they got in the car.
***
God, Adam thought as he pulled out his phone to text Caitlin, Caleb must be really distraught to not catch me lying like that.
Adam: Cait, would u do me a fucking solid n get out of the apt for a few hours? I told Caleb you were out getting groceries
Caitlin: ooh and why d’you need to b home alone with Caleb? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Adam: not the time caitlin!!! srsly tho I think smth happened and we wanna talk in private
Caitlin: oh shit are you ok?? Is this a code chamomile situation?
Adam: yeah i think so. Everything’s fine tho, caleb just seems a little shaken up
Caitlin: leaving rn. You told him I’m out getting groceries right?
Adam: yea
Caitlin: k. txt me when i can come back
Adam: tnx you’re the best
***
The apartment was empty when they got there, as Adam had promised. He had held Caleb’s hand all throughout the journey from the car, up to the dorm on the 5th floor. Caleb wasn’t crying anymore, but he still felt like shit.
“Tea?” he asked Caleb as he locked the door. Caleb nodded. Adam’s icy-blue worry had warmed down to a cyan undercurrent of concentration. He was focused on making Caleb feel better, and that alone already helped.
Adam pulled out the fancy chamomile tea he kept at the back of the cupboard for when Caleb visited, humming along to a song he’d played tonight on his radio show. The rhythm of Adam’s voice through the car’s speakers had been the only thing keeping him grounded enough to drive safely.
Caleb put the kettle to boil on the stove and leaned back on the kitchen counter. This whole thing sucked. He’d been so excited about visiting for the weekend, and Adam had been as well. But he had to go and ruin it, like he always did, because his non-normality had to bleed into every goddamn aspect of his life. He couldn’t even drive to visit his boyfriend without being reminded of what a fucking freak he was. Now Adam was stuck comforting him when they were supposed to be having a nice night together. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and Caleb knew it wouldn’t be the last. How many more times would he have to burden Adam with his problems when his ability got out of control? Hell, just day-to-day life felt fucking impossible to deal with. Taking the train to class each morning was a complete nightmare, emotions bouncing inside his chest uncontrollably like a rubber ball, and none of them would ever fit right. The sudden bursts of anger Caleb couldn’t seem to predict, or properly balance out. The constant fear that all of that anger would eventually fill him up like a balloon and cause him to explode like he did last time.
He couldn’t even have normal fucking relationships. He always got too carried away during arguments, laughed at a joke for way too long, got way too drunk even when having no alcohol at all. Not to mention the other thing. He was constantly terrified of projecting emotions into anyone at all, let alone the people he cared about. The mere concept of it kept Caleb up at night. He’d seen Mark’s face when he told him about his new ability, he’d felt how Mark felt, and he knew that, for a second, his best friend was terrified of him. Caleb couldn’t seem to shake off that moment of dread. It lived in the bottom of his chest, slowly gnawing away at his insides. Normal humans didn’t scare off their friends like that. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he was human at all at this point.
Caleb was taken out of his self-loathing trance by the slight weight of Adam’s chin resting on his shoulder. He looked to the side to see his boyfriend offering him a steaming mug of tea. He sighed, taking the mug and burying his face in Adam’s hair, breathing in the blue haze of his boyfriend once again.
“So,” Adam started, “are you gonna tell me what happened now?”
Caleb took a long sip of the tea, trying to gather his thoughts. “On the way here I stopped by a roadside diner thing, you know?” Adam nodded, “And it was almost completely empty. It was just me, this one other guy, and a few employees…” Caleb stopped himself, sighing as he closed his eyes for a second.
“And this dude, he was really going off on one of the waiters, you know? Like, he was ranting about how they gave him regular coke when he asked for diet, and It was so fucking distracting, like, why the fuck would he be so fucking worked up over that? And the waiter kept looking at me and it was so obvious she wanted help, because who the fuck makes such a fuss over soda?!” Caleb was growing short of breath again, but now that he’d gotten started, he couldn’t stop. “I couldn’t, I couldn’t take it anymore! He was so angry and the waiter was so scared and it hurt. It felt like it did back in high school, and I needed that dude to chill the fuck out. I don’t give a shit that he was watching his sugar intake or whatever the fuck! Leave me and everyone else out of it! How didn’t he understand how miserable he was making everyone around him feel? So I walked over to them and I told– I told him to calm down and–” There was the knot in his throat again, stopping him from talking.
Adam put his free hand over Caleb's hand which was now gripping the counter. "Yeah?" he asked encouragingly.
Caleb inhaled, "And he did. He just… stopped talking and went back to his table." His eyes widened as he looked into Adam's eyes for the first time since they met earlier, "But I didn't mean to! You have to know that I didn't mean to, okay? I swear I would never do something like that on purpose, I promise–" his already shallow breaths were growing even shallower as he spoke.
"Hey, hey" Adam picked up Caleb's hand from the counter and placed it over his chest. "I believe you. You can feel that, right?" Caleb hesitated for a second, then nodded. "It honestly just sounds like you did a good thing, Caleb. I know that’s not how you feel, but you helped the waiter. And I’m sure that guy did benefit from you making him chill out.”
“Doesn’t matter though.” Caleb whispered, “I need to have that under control. How am I supposed to lead a fucking normal life if I can’t even go visit my boyfriend without having to confront what a complete dangerous freak I am?”
“You’re not dangerous, Caleb.” Adam said, and he really, really, meant it. And that made it so much worse. His honesty and love for Caleb were rippling off him so strongly and Caleb couldn’t take it. How did Adam even love him, knowing all the awful shit he’d done? Why didn’t he loathe Caleb like Caleb did himself? Did Adam not see how Caleb was constantly five seconds away from completely going off the deep end? How he felt like he could burst out and lose control at any given second? Did he even know what danger he was in just by being in the same room as Caleb?
“Yes I am. First it was the anger, and the fighting, then Damien, and now this.” He gestured at himself. “I can never catch a fucking break. It’s like this is what I’m doomed to be forever, some fucking ticking time-bomb, destined to hurt everyone I care about when I’m least expecting it–”
He was interrupted by a sudden, sharp inhale rising up his throat. Then, the tears came again. His chest hurt with the crying and build-up of phlegm in his throat. He was starting to get a headache. He was mortified that he’d fallen apart over something so minor. But it wasn't just the diner incident, really. It was every single time he'd gotten out of control. It was every single time he wondered if the person in front of him was feeling their own feelings, not the ones he might have been pushing out. It was every time he laid in bed at night asking himself if he would turn out like Damien.
He was so dazed, he barely noticed Adam was now wrapping him in a hug.
***
Adam put his arms around Caleb. It took him a moment to give in to the embrace. He sobbed into Adam’s shirt. “I’m sorry”, he mumbled against his boyfriend’s shoulder. Adam knew it was useless to try and logic Caleb’s brain out of it when he was this upset. All he could do at that moment was to be there for him.
“Shhhh, it’s ok” Adam whispered. “You’re ok, I’m right here.” He put Caleb’s hand over his chest again. “Can you focus on my emotions right now? Can you do that for me?” He paused and waited for Caleb’s response; all he got was a small groan, which he decided to interpret as a yes. “Good. Now breathe in with me,” he said, then inhaled slowly.
They did this for a while, until Caleb’s sobs turned into steady, slow breaths. Adam hummed and whispered reassuringly every once in a while.
“Do you want to watch something? Keep your mind off things? We haven’t finished season 4 of Come Dine With Me yet,” Adam suggested.
Caleb nodded again, “Yeah”, he said in a croaky voice, then coughed and repeated, “yeah, that sounds good.”
“Good, can you put the show on and I’ll reheat the tea?” Adam eyed the two mugs that remained mostly untouched, but had almost certainly been seasoned with tears.
***
Adam pressed a kiss to Caleb’s temple as he sat down next to him on the sofa with two mugs of hot tea. Caleb pressed play on the remote and they were greeted with the obnoxious narration of an early 2000s British reality show.
Caleb leaned into Adam and held his mug with both hands, sipping the tea carefully. When he was done, he set the empty cup down on the floor and laid his head on Adam’s lap. Adam didn’t say anything; he was barely even surprised at the gesture. He simply ran his fingers through Caleb’s hair until his boyfriend was soundly asleep.
After a few minutes. Adam paused the show, grabbed his phone and texted Caitlin.
Adam: cait?????? where are you
Caitlin: at a starbucks. is everything alright can I make my way back?
Adam: yes to both questions. thank u sm again
Caitlin: np. hows kale doing??
Caitlin: caleb****
Adam: asjhhjshga he’s better i think. he’s asleep now
Caitlin: good. Omw
Adam put down his phone and shifted his attention back to Caleb. He was still sleeping, but not so peacefully as he seemed to have been a few moments ago. Adam sighed, continuing to run his hands through Caleb’s hair and face. Had he been awake now, Caleb would’ve felt the ache in Adam’s chest, which would in turn only make himself feel even worse.
Once again, Adam felt lost. He wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Caleb could always make Adam feel better, he had always understood Adam better than anyone else ever had. He knew Adam, many times better than Adam knew himself. And Caleb always made things better. He always knew what to do, always knew what Adam needed.
Adam, on the other hand, was constantly at a loss on how to help Caleb. His boyfriend lived life in a way that was completely ineffable to him. Adam would never be able to understand the particular struggles that Caleb went through in his daily life. He would never quite know the worry that Caleb always felt in relation to his ability. He would never be able to fully grasp just how difficult trying to live within a ‘normal’ society is like, when you’re anything but normal. It made Adam feel so useless, so exposed. There was a whole world of dangers out there for Caleb, most of which Adam couldn’t even dream of.
***
A few minutes had passed when Caitlin arrived with a cup of iced coffee and a small bag of groceries in her hands. She eyed the boys on the sofa tenderly.
“Is everything ok?” she mouthed to Adam, trying not to wake Caleb up.
Adam sighed, carefully detangling Caleb’s curls. “Yeah”, he whispered. “Just. Rough day.”
Caitlin nodded, with a knowing look in her eyes. He knew she’d had her fair share of nights where she’d curl up on that same sofa with a teary-eyed Frankie and a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. There was a reason they had a name and a procedure for those kinds of situations. Code Chamomile was their shorthand for “my super-powered boyfriend is really distraught and we need some privacy”. Sometimes it meant staying at the library for a few extra hours, or changing out of your pyjamas and driving out to a Starbucks to kill time. More than once, Adam had come home from an extra long study session to find Caitlin and a puffy-eyed Frankie watching Avatar in the living-room, just as Caleb and Adam were watching bad British reality TV now.
“You need to get him to bed,” she whispered, gesturing at Caleb.
“I know.'' He gently shook Caleb’s shoulder and bent to brush a kiss over his face, “Caleb? Babe, let’s go to bed."
Caleb mumbled, still half-unconscious, “I didn’t… I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t mean to.”
Adam’s heart clenched in his chest. “It’s OK babe, I know. You’re OK. Now get up so we can go to bed.” He shook him one last time and finally got Caleb to open his eyes.
***
Caleb woke up from his light, uneasy sleep, to a hand gently shaking his arm and a familiar voice whispering to him. It was Adam’s voice. The same voice that laughed at his stupid jokes. The same voice that ranted about Shakespeare, politics and poetry. It was the same voice that shushed softly when Caleb woke up from a nightmare. It was the best sound in the world. It was Adam’s voice. It was Adam.
Caleb looked up at his boyfriend and sighed with relief. You’re still here, you haven’t left me. He touched Adam's hand that was now caressing his cheek. Adam's affection was baby-blue and it surrounded Caleb like a warm blanket. "Hey," he said, finally managing to smile.
"Hey," Adam whispered back, smiling as well.
***
They were both in bed. Caleb was deep asleep again, using Adam's chest as a pillow this time around. Adam was nowhere near tired, but he didn't want to leave Caleb alone, so he tapped away at his phone on the lowest brightness setting possible (he already suspected he might need glasses, no need to risk making his vision even worse). His left arm was wrapped around Caleb’s shoulders as he texted Caitlin with his right hand.
Adam: i think you should change calebs contact name on your phone to kale now
Caitlin: shut up adam this is a new phone i forgot to disable autocorrect
Adam: im just saying its a cool nickname!!! p sure alice calls him that actually
Adam's phone pinged with a message from Alice (speak of the devil).
Alice: hey loser is caleb with you????? he said he'd text me once he arrived safe but he hasnt yet
Once again. Adam looked down at his boyfriend, who seemed to finally be getting some peaceful rest. His nose was red from crying and his cheeks were stained by tears, but the furrow between his brows had softened and he’d assumed a tranquil expression. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, I promise, Adam had told Caleb once, and he meant it.
Adam: yeah he's here he's with me
Adam: he's safe.