Chapter Text
Mattsun and Makki woke up the next morning to something strong and metal blocking their way from getting into the Frog Cult Lair. Upon further inspection, they noted that the outside door to the previously-abandoned maintenance closet was locked and had a piece of neon yellow “DO NOT ENTER” tape spread across it. It clashed horribly with the piss walls.
“Well… fuck.” Mattsun groaned.
“Fuck,” Makki agreed.
Makki stared at the tape, and wondered about the plethora of frogs that had been hopping around their closet. And all their Minecraft themed decor. And the incriminating smell of weed embedded into the room. And he’s pretty sure he left his Baja Blast in there last night.
“We should’ve never kidnapped Kuroo.”
Mattsun nodded blankly in agreement, staring at their loss. “... Fucking Kuroo.”
–
Hours later, there were dozens of angry notices posted on every door and piss colored wall in their dorm. In big, red block letters, it read:
DORM MEETING IN THE COMMON ROOM TUESDAY NIGHT AT 8PM. ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY FOR ALL STUDENTS LIVING ON THE 5TH FLOOR.
FAILURE TO ATTEND WILL BE NOTED AND PUNISHMENT WILL BE DEALT ACCORDINGLY.
Kuroo, who had been sleeping (read: hiding) in Kenma’s room the entire time, rose from his self-induced hibernation to his lovely, wonderful, beautiful partner angrily shoving one of these notices in his face.
“Kuro, what the fuck did you do?” Kenma glared. They slammed the paper into Kuroo’s chest. “I thought you were talking about a nightmare or some shit when you said you got kidnapped!”
Kuroo yawned, stretching his back out like a cat. He gave the notice a quick glance over, but he already knew what it was about. “I didn’t do anything, I literally got kidnapped . By Mattsun and Makki. Against my will. So, it's not my fault.”
“And they just let you go?” Kenma raised an eyebrow. “I’m finding it really hard to believe that you didn’t do something to warrant this.”
“No they didn’t just let me go , I broke down the wall and fell into Iwaizumi’s closet.” Kuroo sat up, running a hand through his horrendously untameable bedhead. He shuddered at the memory of it. And all of the frogs. And the stench. Oh god the stench. “So I could escape. They were gonna leave me there… With the frogs… I had to pee…”
Kenma raised an eyebrow.
“Iwaizumi said he had to report it, and I did absolutely nothing to stop him. So… that’s what this is.” Kuroo handed them the paper back.
“... Babe? Are you slash S-R-S or slash J right now?” Kenma kind of looked… worried. Mostly pissed off, but Kuroo could see a little bit of worry too… he thought.
“Well… slash S-R-S they did kidnap me against my will, but I’m fine,” he combed his fingers through Kenma’s blonde hair. It looked like they redid it recently. It looked nice. “Well, mostly fine… But… Can I maybe sleep with you for a few more nights?”
“What if I kidnap you though?”
“Not funny.”
“Kekekekek, sorry. Yes, of course it’s fine. Stay as long as you want,” Kenma climbed over them, probably trying to suffocate Kuroo but it kind of worked like cuddling. “Next time please clarify that it isn’t a dream when you say things like that.”
Kuroo wrapped his arms around them and pulled them in closer.
He prayed to every single god and religion out there that there never had to be a “next time”.
“Hey, don’t you have classes right now?” Kenma asked. That expression was definitely worried now.
“Yeah, but I’m not going.” Kuroo hid under the covers further. “I don’t wanna.”
“What about your perfect attendance? You’ve never missed a single class since you enrolled in this college.”
“... It’s frog dissection day in biology.”
–
Oikawa pouted, staring at the notice posted right outside his front door. He stomped his foot and pushed out his lower lip like a little kid.
“It’s not fairrr ,” he whined, tearing down the notice for dramatic effect. “Just ‘cause Tetsu-chan couldn’t handle a little kidnapping? Like I guess I get it or whatever, being taken in your sleep probably isn’t great , but I’m bored. This was just getting fun. A meeting over this is such bullshit.”
Kiyoomi huffed, staring at his overly dramatic roommate. “We still have to go to the meeting tonight. I don’t want us getting kicked out, I cannot fully sanitize another apartment this year.” He also didn’t know if any other roommate would tolerate him vacuuming every night at 9PM exactly. He just got lucky that Oikawa was usually doing horrible karaoke to New Jeans in the shower exactly then every night.
Oikawa just grumbled, tearing up the paper and stomping back into their dorm room. He grabbed a loaf of bread on his way past the kitchen and flopped dramatically across the entire couch. Sakusa’s eye twitched.
“But I had plaaaans tonight,” he whined again.
“Going to the shitty bar down the street and seeing how many free drinks you can get from plastered old men who reek of cigarette smoke does not count as ‘plans’ when you do it every other night. That’s a hobby.”
Oikawa glared at him and purposely let the sole of his shoe (that he did not take off at the entrance) touch the fabric of the couch. On Kiyoomi’s side. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a calming breath.
“Look, we’ll go to the meeting. Get our slap on the wrist from Ukai. From there, we can gather everyone together to set up The Plan that’ll really settle the war with the Frog Cult without irritating ResLife in the process. Deal?” Sakusa crossed his arms in a show that he wasn’t backing down.
Oikawa shoved a rolled up bread ball in his mouth and swallowed it whole before answering. Ew. Sakusa hopes he chokes one day. “...Fine. Let the kingdom know the plan.”
“Already on it.”
—
“Thank you all for meeting me here. This is a dire emergency.”
Oikawa sat lofted above the rest, sitting on a throne of textbooks and crocheted sea creatures courtesy of their newly-released prisoner, Ushiwaka (the prisoners had to attend the floor meeting after all, and Oikawa’s not a monster. He let them go home afterwards since he was in such high spirits.). The throne wasn’t entirely comfortable and definitely not as good as his old one (which he still needed to find before the warranty was voided), but it got the point across. He stared out at his loyal subjects, each bowing with respect before him. Just as they should be.
“At ease.” Everyone left their kneeling positions and settled comfortably on the common room floor. His queen, Kuroo, sat to his right, being a little less annoying than usual, but Oikawa couldn’t complain. After all, his queen just bravely returned from being literally kidnapped by the enemy.
He picked a piece of lint off of his cape, black and detailed with sparkles of course, before addressing the group again. He held his chin high to show his subjects that he wasn’t scared, the weight of his black and ruby crown heavy on his head. “So the Frog Cult has done the unthinkable…. Our brave queen has gone through horrors none can imagine… The Frog Cult had kidnapped Kuroo!”
Gasps went up around the room, petrified faces glancing at the Queen for confirmation. Kuroo just solemnly nodded, holding up his wrist for proof. There, just a tiny splotch on his forearm stood the evidence. A little patch of irritated skin from none other than duct tape . Everyone gasped. Someone even cried out. Another fainted (it was Bokuto).
“It’s true!” Oikawa feasted off of their surprise, telling his story with passion. “This is unacceptable . This was a line that should have never been crossed… that we might have also crossed first … but they did it worse! And now the Frog Cult must pay.”
Cheers went up around the room, a few eager souls ready to tear down the enemy. Oikawa smiled greedily.
“We will strike them down!” They cheered again. “We will avenge our Queen! We will eliminate the Frog Cult once and for all .” The room erupted in cheers. Forget the others trying to sleep, this would be the future of the Piss Hall. The Kingdom would reign supreme, it was their destiny.
Oikawa smiled down at his court, watching as everyone hastily made plans to bring them to their knees. He already knew what he would do, a war that only they would win. Hinata seemed particularly eager to participate, already screaming at Kenma about his plans. The latter looked annoyed, but Oikawa saw the bloodthirsty look in their eyes. A few of the more “lame” people like Ennoshita and Yaku looked weary, but cheered nonetheless. And, just as Oikawa had expected, Akaashi sneakily pulled out his phone, already traitorously updating the Frog Cult as he spoke.
Oikawa pulled out his own phone and messaged his old buddy Mattsun, declaring the Nerf Gun battle. It would be all or nothing.
—
Iwa stood with his beefy arms crossed against his chest, glaring daggers at the two nuisances he called his “friends”. He used that term lightly.
“So Iwa…. Do you wanna fight with us in the Nerf War?”
“ No. ”
“C’monnnnn–”
“Look. I don’t care what dumb shit you guys get into on your own time. But when your dumb shit makes me actually have to do my job, that’s when we have a problem. I don’t want to do more work, you dicks. That’s annoying. I’m already in enough trouble for your storage closet.”
Makki kicked his shoe against the ugly carpet, trying to look like he was pouting. It wasn’t working. “So you don’t wanna shoot Nerf Guns with us?”
Iwa sighed, exasperated. “No, I know you guys just want me on your team so I don’t snitch to Ukai, or worse, Daichi, but –”
“Do you wanna shoot Nerf Guns at us?”
Iwa’s eyes narrowed. Mattsun continued, noticing his poorly feigned interest, “Well that Oikawa guy iiiiisssss the leader of the DnD group. You could join him and hurt us in the process.” It’s true, Iwaizumi had an … “interest” in the brunette, if he could even call it that. It was something about his awful clothes, and shitty personality… and pretty face and his absolute determination and the way he puked on him once… and… wait. No, he couldn’t just cave in to M&M’s stupid schemes because of some guy. Literally, he’s just some guy. A guy he hardly knows.
Iwaizumi needed to get it together.
“... Do you really think that’s going to work? Promising me allyship with some attractive guy I hardly know so you two won't get in trouble?”
Makki glanced to the side quickly. “Uhhhh, yeah?”
“... Well you’re right. How do I join?”
—
Oikawa opened his door and almost pulled a Sakusa. Thankfully, the visitor wasn’t shirtless, and Oikawa was better than that. But the urge to slam the door shut was definitely there.
“Iwaiiiiiizumi, what can I do ya for?”
He leaned against the door frame, pretending to be the epitome of cool and collected. Because he was. Not like he was just screaming at his Nintendo Switch for the past few minutes because he couldn’t survive the Skull Caverns in StarDew Valley. No, not at all. (But honestly, why are those caves so hard to beat?)
And there totally wasn’t the super hot RA knocking on his door right now, nope.
Iwaizumi glanced around nervously, like he was scared someone was listening (well, Sakusa was hiding in the cabinet right now so he could listen, but that’s not the point). “So… I heard about the war.”
Oikawa narrowed his eyes. “What war? You sound crazy. There’s no war.”
“Don’t play dumb, Oikawa. Mattsun and Makki, and kind of Kuroo, told me everything.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about <3. Did you forget to take some meds?”
He sighed, and pinched his nose. “I’m not here to be an RA and shut you guys down. This isn’t a trick question. I’m… I’mheretojoin.”
Oikawa crossed his arms. He totally noticed Iwaizumi checking out his flared yoga pants and matching Yogi Bear muscle tank. It was a killer combo. “You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t totally believe you.”
The RA sighed. “Listen… I haven’t told anyone anything yet. All Daichi and Ukai know is that Mattsun and Makki had gotten into the storage closet through their room. So… I could tell them everything about the war or….”
“Mattsun and Makki had a storage closet?”
“... Did you not know that’s where they were hiding their frogs?”
“Is that why I kept hearing ribbits from that area? I’ve been looking for their base for days!!”
“You’re helpless,” he glared. Oikawa loved it when he was mean to him. He should probably sort that out later with his therapist.
“Well you didn’t know it was there either,” Oikawa retorted.
“I wasn’t the one looking for it. Anyways, can I join or not?”
“Well when you ask so nicely…” Oikawa pretended to inspect his nails. He swore he could feel Iwaizumi’s blood pressure rising. He fought down a smirk.
“I’m highly trained with Nerf Guns. And I can get Daichi away from the dorms for the fight.”
“You’re in!”
Now it was only a matter of time before MatsuHana got what they deserved.
The war had already started, but Oikawa was going to make sure he ended it.
—
“So is Kuroo just our third roommate now?” Atsumu took a sip of his boba, smirking at Kenma, who huffed in annoyance at the taunting. The plastic sacks full of Nerf guns in his hands were getting heavy. “Should we get him a spare key and give him some cabinet space in the pantry?”
“Maybe you wouldn’t be so annoyed about this if you actually had a boyfriend to invite over,” Kenma rolled their eyes. They had mostly finished their matcha boba already, not really being one to casually sip on their lil bevys. It was why they crushed through four Monster energy drinks a day (at least). The thought of that made Atsumu’s stomach flip. “And the only food we have in the pantry is what he’s bought us, so it’s kind of already his space.”
Atsumu winced. “Ouch. No need to bring my nonexistent love life into this. Or my lack of cooking skills.”
“You started it.”
Atsumu shook the ice in his drink around. “I’m only cutting him some slack because he literally got kidnapped.”
“How benevolent of you,” Kenma pretended like they weren’t panting from the climb up the dorm stairs. Curse the stupid elevators for not working.
“I try. Say, don’t you think it’s weird how Mattsun and Makki never got mad about Bokuto kidnapping their members, other than snatching Kuroo? Or that Kageyama stole their doors? Or that Kageyama also cut off the toes on all their shoes?”
Kenma snickered. “I don’t even think MatsuHana noticed their members being missing, or cared. Plus, it seems like Ushijima, Yachi and Hoshiumi just had a sleepover and binged Teen Wolf the whole time, nothing like what happened to Kuroo… Wait, did you just say that Kageyama stole their doors?”
“They have them back now.”
“That’s literally not the problem. How did they…”
The two blondes came to a sudden stop in the hallway.
“...This is sick. Slash negative.”
“... Agreed.”
Kenma found themself staring at a picture of their boyfriend, taped up over the caution tape of the ransacked storage closet the Frog Cult had apparently been using. Atsumu stood next to them, snapping a picture of the door.
“... Frog God?” Atsumu read the letters above Kuroo’s picture. Several stickers of frogs and hearts were decorated around the door as well. And what they assumed were different Taylor Swift lyrics scribbled on posted notes around it. They personally thought ‘I think I’ve seen this film before, so I’m leaving out the side door’ was kind of funny.
Several other notes simply said ‘Bring Back the Frog God’ over and over again.
Kenma glanced down at their phone, noticing a new notification from their Discord.
THE SLAY KINGDOM 🏰
TheBetterTwin: *image attached*
TheBetterTwin: the frog cult decided to decorate the storage closet lol ?
yakumori: o shit
BigBiddieBo: OMG I W ANT KUROO ON MY DOO R TO
sakusakiyo: Too*
BigBiddieBo: You do to Sakusa??? ILL H ELP! 🥰
sakusakiyo: No.
BigBiddieBo: :(
QueenShit💅🏼: why me.
applepi: lol they picked such a bad photo of you too 🤢
QueenShit💅🏼: that’s my linkedin pfp??? It’s a professional headshot ??? it’s like the nicest photo i have of myself???
QueenShit💅🏻: ur so cruel to me :(
TsukishimaKei: 🤢
xxSUNAxx: 🤢
kaGAYama: I think you look very nice and professional Kuroo 👍🏼
xxOSAMUxx: 🤢
applepi: 🤢
kaGAYama: Can anyone help me change my name?
kaGAYama: Please?
kaGAYama: Help me please.
TsukishimaKei: stfu
QueenShit💅🏻: i think u guys r missing the point WHY DID THEY DO THAT
BigBiddieBo: BC UR SO HOT DUH
KingKawa: LMFAO why would they do that 😭
yakumori: this has to be some reverse psychology thing
KingKawa: let’s all make one of kiyo on our door guys
sakusakiyo: Do not do that.
Kenma tucked their phone away and ripped off the photo of Kuroo from their door. They sighed and turned towards their roommate.
“Well let’s get this dorm meeting over with. It can't be that bad can it?”
—-
Mattsun and Makki stared at the little empty cups in front of them on the counter. Each one had their name on it, and was waiting to be delivered back to the cop outside of their bathroom door. A drug test.
“Well… fuck.” Mattsun groaned.
“Fuck,” Makki agreed.