Searching for Baekhyun

Chanyeol is no immortal but he is living in different worlds and in different times. Sometimes he sees the world in black and white, but mostly in full colors. He remembers them all but amongst all the memories, the realms, the worlds or even those times that existed where there is no time, there is one memory that swerves its way into a different one; a unique path - away from the others. There is that one moment where he failed to show his love and it sparked the fire to start the end of every beginning of every world.

Notes:

This journey has been great. Thank you to the mods for their undying patience. All my love is dedicated to my forever supportive beta – my sister, my best-friend, and my coffee buddy – you know who you are and really, thank you so much! Also, thank you to Z for her continuous support and for encouraging me to finish this fic! The problems and detours that I experienced – the both of you never left me. Lastly, I am so sorry my recipient for I think I haven’t written what you had in mind but I hope you’ll like this. My Name is Memory!AU

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

I have lived countless times in different worlds, in different times. I have seen the world in black and white but mostly in full colors – sometimes, it’s so bright it can blind my eyes and then there are times the paint is vividly weary it makes me sad. I like the colorful world amongst all the realms because it hints a happy ending. I like happy endings because who doesn’t like happy endings? Is there a person existing who enjoys unhappy ones - because that’s just poignant. Everyone deserves a happy ending.

I am no immortal but most of the time, I live in a world where there is no end.

I always remember how I die if I really did breathe my last because there are times I live for a very short span of time but there are those moments that I can relive from childhood until the old age; but most of the time I live during my teenager years. The years don’t matter because sometimes there’s no certain time indicated – I’m just pretty much existing in every world there is imaginable or unimaginable. There are worlds in which it is left hanging and I couldn’t really do anything about it.

If someone asks me a certain lifetime, I can surely tell the tale of my adventures, misadventures, mischiefs, conspiracies, plots, ploys and everything worth sharing. I have been in many places if the world I live in is Earth because sometimes there is no Earth. I visited countries - Seoul, Rome, Paris, Philippines, Japan, USA – but most of the time it’s in Seoul, I’m in Seoul.

There are moments that I live in outer space or in a world not known by men.

I can retell everything from the start to finish or even in the middle.

But no matter how many lives I live, I have been in love innumerable counts to only one person. My heart beats for only one. Our love story differs in every life I have lived but surely, he’s always the one I want to be with.

There are times when we didn’t end up together but surely, our hearts beat as one. There are times filled with heartbreaks and sorrows but in the end our love prevailed.

I hate sad beginnings but I loathe the unhappy endings.

But amongst all the memories, the realms, the worlds or even those times that existed where there is no time, there is one memory that swerves its way into a different one; a unique path - away from the others. There is that one moment where I failed to show my love and it sparked the fire to start the end of every beginning of every world.

And currently I exist in that world - the world I hated the most, the world that made me realize everything. And it’s just one - one mistake that made everything fall apart.

It’s the only time I didn’t love him.

Let me tell you the tales of how I existed, where and when I subsisted whether it is in different worlds, in altered times or probably I am alive at the same time, at an identical place in a similar world. I can show you the world, the realms, my worlds but let me start to one of the worlds I wanted the most.

I am Chanyeol and my greatest love is Baekhyun.

And these are our stories.

The Boy in Seat no. 17, (C - 4)

"I never asked God for anything. This is the only time I'm going to wish for something."
The only bad thing about Park Chanyeol is that he doesn't socialize. He does things by himself--- even when it's a group project, he volunteers to do it on his own. It’s not because he is an introvert – he just doesn’t trust his classmates to do well on a task and he needed to score a high grade. He would not want to put his grades on the hands of other people. It’s a risk he definitely doesn’t want to take.

He survived the 4 grueling years of law school without asking help from friends. He doesn't even try to get hold of the notes that fraternities are giving away every examination periods. He reads, he analyzes and studies on his own – he rarely asks for opinions but when he does, he asks it to the higher levels – the ones he knew are capable of providing sufficient information.

Many find Chanyeol odd and sometimes, arrogant but they can’t deny that Chanyeol is a pretty smart guy, it’s like his whole giant body is a machine where he stores all his knowledge, processes it and when he needs some information, he can easily download it from his brain and release them through his mouth (if its oral recitation) or his hands (if it’s a written examination).

He does everything without the help of anybody but that does not mean he doesn’t have friends – he has but it’s limited to the people who can tolerate his tantrums and mood swings and the constant silence. Chanyeol is grateful for them even though he doesn’t say it – he used actions like when he volunteers to do homework, or even let them copy a certain quiz.

After four years, Chanyeol’s hard work all paid off and he graduated top of his class. That isn’t really a surprise, everyone already expected it.

“You’re really something Park” Sehun says then he gulps all the remaining alcohol from his glass. It’s after their graduation and everyone is celebrating, today is the only time they’ve got because tomorrow, they need to go back to their lives – recall what they have studied for the past years, and once again read as much books that they can and have already read in the short span of time they have left. Tomorrow, they need to start reviewing for the bar.

“Are you going to attend criminal review tomorrow?” Sehun asks, his voice is a little shaky, maybe from all the alcohol he just consumed.

“Nope, I’m not going to any review center. I’ll study on my own.” Chanyeol’s reply is casual but the hinted you have known I can do it on my own lies in it.

Sehun laughs because he thinks he himself is being silly for it’s stupid to ask Chanyeol if he’ll attend the review classes. When did Chanyeol rely on someone? He never did. He never even once asks God for mercy.

Months go by and the bar month is approaching fast, Chanyeol gets invitation from his friends, mostly from Sehun to attend review classes with him but Chanyeol has declined them all. He doesn’t need them because he has studied well for the past years, he knows he’ll do well in the bar too but there’s one exception. There’s this certain question on one of the sample questionnaires from the past bar exams that he couldn’t answer and he hates how he can’t figure out anything.

One single question – fuck it!

Chanyeol decides to attend the review class because he needs to ask the opinion of the other bar examinees and maybe, he’ll gain more knowledge. He’ll attend – just one day and that’s it.

Chanyeol arrives an hour early and decides to occupy the aisle seat at the back of the room. He wouldn’t want the other bar reviewees to have a hard time looking at the board because of his tall body blocking the view.

He wants this day to pass by as quickly as possible.

With a single notebook on his desk, he starts to review all that notes he has done. One by one, students start to fill the room – some are clearly not doing well, there are those who brought so many books their hands couldn’t hold them together. There are some who are obviously happy go lucky kind of persons who doesn’t take anything seriously and there are some who, are, well noisy enough that Chanyeol finds it irritating.

He stops reading so he can politely ask his seatmate to shut the fuck up.

But when he is about to open his mouth, a person announces his arrival.

“Am I late?” says the newcomer.

The guy on the front who Chanyeol remembers as the valedictorian from the other school replies smugly, “No, you’re just in time. Why don’t you take this seat beside me?”

“No, thank you.” The new guy says and proceeds to an empty seat in the middle.

For the first time in Chanyeol’s life, he is mesmerized and couldn’t concentrate on anything that the instructor is saying. His eyes are fixed on the guy settled on seat no. 17.

And just like that, the day ended and the guy on the seat no. 17 is nowhere to be found.

Chanyeol goes home, his question remains unanswered and more questions are built on his mind. Who is he? What school does he come from? What’s his name? Will I see him again?

Chanyeol tries to go back the next day to the review center but he never once saw the guy on seat no. 17 and the days passed, it’s the time to take the bar.

Again, everyone aren’t surprised that Chanyeol topped the national examination – their school celebrates their success and the competition among other law schools is lifted as everyone is invited to join the festivity.

“Congrats Park!” Sehun says aloud, making sure his bestfriend can hear him despite the loud music in the background.

“Congrats too, Oh!” Chanyeol replies and briefly smiled. He has topped the bar, he should feel delighted and contented but he isn’t because something is missing.

The guy in seat no. 17.

“The guy in seat no. 17” Chanyeol says loudly, his eyes growing wide, heart hammering wildly against his chest because the guy in seat no. 17 just passed by in front of him.

“The guy, what?” Sehun replies.

“Sehun, please. I beg you. Help me.” It is rushed, words almost getting jumbled because Chanyeol’s brain suddenly malfunctions.

“What Chanyeol?”

“You owe me those times when I let you copy during tests, and the reviewers I made that I gave you duplicates. Now it’s your turn, you have to help me” Chanyeol says as fast as he can because he fears the time is running out.

Sehun laughs, “I never thought you kept a record”

“It isn’t the time to be joking around, you need to help me Oh Sehun.”

“Of course, I will help you but what is it?”

Chanyeol deeply inhales and then exhales and his index finger automatically pointed to guy standing in front of the red corvette wearing skinny jeans and plain white shirt.

Sehun eyes Chanyeol curiously as if judging the hell out of him, “What about him?”

“I need to know him.” Chanyeol replies hurriedly with the last word has a certain tone to it.

Chanyeol didn’t expect Sehun will answer him with a loud laugh - a laugh that Chanyeol is very familiar with. He didn’t like it.

“You --- you know him?” Chanyeol couldn’t believe it, he has searched the guy on seat no. 17 several times, for days – weeks, months even, and Sehun – his friend, Sehun, knows him. Unbelievable.

“You want to know him?” Sehun says with a smirk, “That’s easy, come with me!” Sehun retorts while he drags the helpless tall guy towards their aim.

Everything is so casual and Chanyeol, for the first time, hates Sehun because the guy just simply taps the shoulder of guy on seat no. 17 and hugs him – fucking hugs him.

“How are you? It has been awhile!” Sehun says, smile plastered on his face. But Chanyeol thinks it’s not a smile, it’s a smug grin.

“I’m totally fine, we passed!” the guy on seat no 17 replies and smiles – eyes forming crescent moons. “I missed you!” he adds.

Chanyeol swears he will murder Sehun. He can get away with murder because he’s a lawyer and he topped the bar, concealing the crime would be trouble-free.

“I missed you too!” Sehun answers, still a smile on his face.

Yes, Chanyeol decides, he will kill Sehun.

“Oh, this is my friend Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol” Sehun glances at Chanyeol. His smile is turning into a devil’s grin.

“Oh, you’re Park Chanyeol!” The guy on seat no 17 replies, offering his hand for a handshake “Congrats on topping the bar”

Chanyeol doesn’t reply, not because he didn’t want to but because he is too stunned to even say anything. For the past months, he searched for him but he couldn’t find him. Not once did the guy on seat no. 17 left his mind. He is constantly thinking about him and now, he is in front of Chanyeol.

“I---”

The guy on seat no. 17 laughs – pretty laughs. “I need to go home. My family is celebrating tonight, nice seeing you again Oh. And nice meeting you Park Chanyeol.”

I need to know his name, Who are you? What’s your name?

“Oh, how rude can I be, sorry, I haven’t introduced myself yet, my name’s Byun Baekhyun.”

That night, for the first time in Chanyeol’s life he prayed. He never once prayed for anything. He never once asked for His power during the bar. But tonight, Chanyeol prays that he’ll do anything – he’ll do good, he’ll be the best lawyer that protects those oppressed. He’ll only do what’s right and refrain from doing wrong. He won’t kill Sehun.

"I never asked God for anything. This is the only time I'm going to wish for something."
“I will do everything but please, give Baekhyun to me.”

It is Valentine ’s Day, and the rooms are decorated in red, white and pink. Heart shape cut-outs are all around campus, the smell of flowers lingered in the corridors. The students are patiently listening to their professor’s story. They are supposed to be having a quiz on Constitutional Law but the students insist and plead for a story so their professor has agreed to their request.

“So what happened after that Sir?” A girl in front raises the question.

“Did they end up together?” Another student has asked.

The professor smiles and softly answers, “Until now, I’m doing good because that’s what I promised. I will never break my promise – that certain promise. And I’ll do good forever because I’m sure I will love him forever.”

“I will always love the guy in seat no. 17”

Amerikano (C-5)

I hate coffee.

My nose cannot comprehend the smell of coffee. Did you know that drinking coffee can cause motion sickness? I never liked coffee or any of its variants. Cappuccino, frappucino, white mocha, chocolate mocha, white chocolate mocha, vanilla mocha, hazelnut macchiato, caramel macchiato served in hot or iced cold - commoner's coffee or that one that needed a grinder. I hate coffee – I loathe the smell, I cringe because of the taste. How can one enjoy a cup of coffee? Milk is better, whole, non-fat, chocolate milk, powdered, evaporated or even condensed but coffee? Coffee is just --- ugh.

Sigh.

But here I am in a coffee shop and about to order an Amerikano.

How ironic.

Chanyeol walks into the cashier to place his order, the barista manning the orders smiles at him and raises a thumbs up - already has an idea of what he's going to order. There’s still a girl in front of him that’s bugging the cashier because of the time she spends on deciding what to order.

"One tall Amerikano" the barista says "advance order for Chanyeol"

It's been more than 2 months - always the same every day. It’s always Amerikano even though Chanyeol hated and still hates coffee, he always order his Amerikano.

It started two months ago, Chanyeol is dragged by his little brother towards the newly opened café just two blocks away from their house. He insisted on not going but his 10 year old brother isn’t giving him any choice, what he wants, is what he gets. Chanyeol couldn’t afford to hear their mother going berserk on him for an hour just because Sehun cried. So after he lured Sehun into going to a theme park and then helplessly failed several times, he decided to just go with it but only once. He reminds himself to cover his nose when they enter the café because the smell of coffee? It’ll give him head ache.

In Chanyeol’s perspective, it’s destiny. Even though he hated and still hates coffee.

The shop has been pretty much full, the opening of a new café has gathered so much attention even from the nearby village. “Let’s just go home.” He whines but his little brother has insisted on going.

Chanyeol walks into the café, his big hands are wrapped around Sehun’s little ones. There weren’t any seats left but Sehun had wanted to buy a cake so as a patient older brother, he attended to Sehun’s needs. Buy the cake and exit.

In Chanyeol’s perspective, it’s really destiny. He is destined to be there. Even if he hated and still hates coffee.

Finally, Sehun had chosen a blueberry cheesecake and again, finally, the full ten minutes of torture in a dreaded place will end as he voiced out his order and as about to pay when Chanyeol heard the most beautiful voice.

In Chanyeol’s perspective, it’s really destiny. He is destined to be there. He’s destined to order. Even if he hated and still hates coffee.

“Do you want a coffee with your cake?”

As Chanyeol looked up, he knew it was destiny. He was destined to see him with his sparkly eyes, button nose, brown shiny hair, milky white skin and pinkish lips.

“A-a-ah” But he could not formulate a coherent response.

“A-a-h?” The barista has asked.

“A-a-a-ah”

“Amerikano? Wow, our Amerikano is impeccable. Great choice.”

Chanyeol could only nod as the barista flashed him a toothy smile. On the barista’s nametag, it read
Byun Baekhyun.

After that fateful encounter, Chanyeol is back every day –same time, ordering the same drink all the time. Chanyeol is mesmerized - he remembers the feature - the moment - the voice. The memory is engraved forever in his heart.

He still hates coffee, he loathes the smell because it gives him headaches but because Chanyeol wants to see Byun Baekhyun, he always visit the cafe and order the same thing.

Today, Chanyeol is a little bit disappointed because Baekhyun isn’t the barista in charge. Did he change his day off? Did he change his shift? Oh My God, did he quit? Chanyeol squirms into his seat, will he wait? Will he leave? Will he ----

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” A voice so familiar, Chanyeol wants to howl in happiness and delight.

“A-a-a-ah” He replies.

“I guess that means no.” As Baekhyun takes his seat just in front of Chanyeol. The taller guy really isn’t fully aware of what’s happening because what the hell is going on, Byun Baekhyun is in front him.

“I took a leave today, did I surprise you?”

“A-a-a-a”

“You’ve been here for two months, during my shift. And for the record, I knew you never liked coffee but thanks for ordering, it added up to our sales.” He chuckles and Chanyeol melts.

“A-a-a-a”

“So, is that your thing? The A-a-a-a-?”

“A-a-a-a-”

“Youre funny, I like you.” Baekhyun smiles at him. “Do you like me too?”

Chanyeol swears he doesn’t like coffee but he thanks the person who has discovered it because if it wasn’t for an Amerikano, he wouldn't meet Baekhyun.

“Don’t worry, when we go on dates. We won’t order Amerikano.”

The Cause of my Death, (U - 5)

In a world where darkness reigned, a little act of kindness can spark an endless ripple effect.
Chanyeol reigns supreme as the prince of a world called Pyrus where the only way to survive is to be evil because doing good gets you killed. Many have chosen to be killed than to embrace the darkness. Some has the luck to flee - to leave the planet and move to another one but the others have stayed and have forced to live with a heavy heart.

And on the prince’s 21st birthday, the King has ordered his men to search for a planet close to theirs so they will be able to conquer and gift it to the prince. One dark planet isn’t enough.

Luxos is a small planet whose residents are of pure soul. Little did they know, the once peaceful environment will experience a drastic change as the soldiers of Pyrus has focused their attention to the little bright planet.

Byun Baekhyun comes from a family of five - the eldest among the three children. They aren’t the richest but they aren’t poor. Baekhyun takes care of his family - because he loves them and even though he can’t see, he tries his best to be of help.

Will darkness be illuminated with a little light? or will the brightest light turn into the darkest soul?

Overrated Song (D-8)

Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun has been together for four years and not once did they celebrate their anniversary, it isn’t because they don’t love each other, it’s a simple reason of having the most hectic of jobs.

Chanyeol is a doctor and Baekhyun is a television producer. Their schedules clash, sometimes they wouldn't see each other in a month. Most of the time. Baekhyun works during the night and Chanyeol’s clinic is open during the day but Chanyeol pretty much works 24 hours because he’s an on call doctor for a nearby hospital. Being a television producer means you need to dedicate all your time and Baekhyun does that.

It’s their anniversary today and Baekhyun, after years, has been granted a full day leave. He could not believe the management has agreed but the good thing is Chanyeol has a regular work off today, finally, they can spend their time together. Finally.

Without any sleep, he quickly goes home, in his mind, he is planning a surprise because his boyfriend deserves the best.

He drops by the grocery store to pick up a few things. Bacon, eggs, toast and maybe a chocolate cake too! Upon reaching home, he checks the time, 3 more hours before Chanyeol arrives. Plenty of time.

He sets up the table, prepare breakfast, spends an hour in a shower because soon, everything will be wild. Baekhyun smiles at the thought.

Fifteen more minutes, and Baekhyun sprays Chanyeol’s most loved cologne. Wearing only his t-shirt, Baekhyun is prepared.

But twenty minutes later, Chanyeol hasn’t arrived yet.

I guess he’s late.

But instead of Chanyeol appearing, Baekhyun gets a text message.

Hi Babe! I got stuck in the hospital :( I was supposed to drop by your office and give you flowers but I need to monitor a patient - I’ll be leading a surgery. Will spend the day and maybe the night here in the office. Happy Anniversary Babe. I love you.

“I guess this year isn’t good too” Baekhyun sighs in disbelief but he dismisses the thought because he knows their work are both important to them, they can celebrate some other time.

“Well, I get to have a proper sleep.”

And Baekhyun puts up his pajamas, cleans the table and stores the untouched food on their refrigerator. Maybe Chanyeol will eat them when he arrives later.

His loud ringtone has woken him up. He groggily replies, “Hello? Byun Baekhyun speaking. How may I----”

“Good morning. Are you Mr. Byun!?” The other man says on the other end of the line.

The tone isn’t bright and it jolts Baekhyun from the bed. “Yes?” he replies shakily.
“You need to go to Seoul General hospital.”

“Wha-what?” Baekhyun’s tears are starting to fall, he doesn’t know why but the speaker’s tone isn’t right.

And the line went dead.

No second is wasted as Baekhyun scrambles to his feet, stands up and runs out of the apartment. He hails a cab, tears streaming from his eyes. He doesn't know what to do, what to feel. But it feels like something isn't quite right.

Dressed in pajamas and a plain tshirt paired with bedroom slippers, he enters the hospital - shaking.

He sees a familiar figure, “Sehun” Baekhyun screams, “Sehun, Sehun, what happened?” But Sehun doesn't reply, not a single trace of any emotion seen on his face. He replies to Baekyyun, “Come with me.”

“What-what happened? Sehun, answer me. Please”

Sehun grabs Baekhyun’s hands firmly and leads him to a room. “Go ahead, he needs you there”

“Sehun, I beg you. What the fuck is happening?”

But Sehun refuses to respond as he just opens the door for Baekhyun to enter. It’s dark and it feels empty.

Baekhyun’s heart is filled with sorrow, what the fuck is happening? Chanyeol, what happened? Chanyeol, please be okay - please, Chan----

“Coz darling, I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70”

A voice suddenly fills the whole room and Baekhyun is getting confused.

“And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard as 23”

And slowly, the room is being lit up with candles.

“And I’m thinking ‘bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just the touch of a hand”

Chanyeol then appears with a guitar on his hands while he sings the rest of the song with a creepy smile on his face. Baekhyun’s amused. He isn’t happy.

“Well, me -I fall in love with you every single day, And I just wanna tell you I am so honey now - Take me into your loving arms; Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars, Place your head on my beating heart. I’m thinking out loud. Maybe we found love right where we are.”

Chanyeol finishes the song and he walks to his boyfriend, the guitar perfectly situated on his back and a bouquet of flowers on his right hand.

“Happy Anniversary” Chanyeol says but Baekhyun doesn't reply.

Chanyeol moves closer, but Baekhyun doesn’t budge.

“Baek - what, did I scare you? I’m sorry. Oh God you thought something bad happened to me. Oh God, Baek, I am truly sorry. I didn’t mean to, I was just - oh god, Baek say something, I’m sorry. really, I thought - Oh god, I didn----”

“What the fuck Chanyeol?’ Baekhyun finally speaks, “Why the fuck did you sing Thinking Out Loud? You know how much it was overly used. I cannot believe this.”

“I’m---”

“I’m disappointed.” Bakehyu huffs and shakes his head.

“I’m---”

And Then Baekhyun smiles, tiptoes and presses his lips against Chanyeol’ “Happy Anniversary I love you.”

Chanyeol smiles and replies “I love you more” and then he deepens the kiss and bears in his mind, he will not ever sing Thinking out Loud again. Or maybe he will - every time.

Endless, (U-5)

I live in the year 2065 and the world isn’t totally different. There are no flying cars nor spacious submarines. World peace isn’t achieved yet and there’s still no cure for cancer.

One thing's for sure, a time travel machine will be invented. And I, Park Chanyeol, will be its creator.
I am 25 years old. I was 25 years old and I’ll forever be 25 years old.

The world doesn’t know about me or anything regarding my existence. I have tried to locate same people that has an ability like mine – I don’t age, I don’t die –the book has termed me as immortal.

I have forgotten the year that I was born, I wasn’t really aware of that before because everything was in chaos. Guns and bombs are the music that I hear and my parents and I were always on the move fearing that the soldiers there will fire at us –killing everyone.

The memory from the past are hazy, my parents died but I could not recall – all I remembered was there was a loud sound and I fell asleep, the moment I woke up, I was in a different place – and everything was peaceful – the war has ended and they rejoiced but I was left alone in an unfamiliar world.

It wasn’t that long when a family had adopted me. They said their son had died during the war and they wanted another one that could help ease the pain, I was lucky I got chosen. My adoptive parents were beyond kind as they assured that I get the best – education, clothing, experiences and memories.

By the time I reached 24, my adoptive mother died because of cancer. It was unbearable, that was the reason I took up medicine to search for a way to cure the deadly disease. And the year after, my adoptive father followed his wife to the heavens and once again, they have left me. I was alone in a world that was unknown.

It was seven years after when I noticed I haven’t aged. People had been growing wrinkles and had been experiencing changes but I haven’t. I am a doctor, I should have known but there was no answer. Ten years after, I still haven’t changed – even a bit. And it was starting to scare me and everyone who was near me. Back then I knew I was special. I knew something was different. And it was terrifying. I tried ending my life – multiple times but I always fail at every attempt. The time I knew I don’t have the capacity to die, it was an utter shock. It was undeniably the weirdest and most heartbreaking disease or whatever it is that has bestowed upon me.

I had to leave the city because continuing living in a place where all the ones I knew were already 20 years older than me, I will be the odd one out. And questions were starting to arise. It was depressing to know I would be leaving the persons I already got close with but I had no choice.

Because of the wealth I inherited from my parents, moving into another city was at ease. No one questioned my credibility, no one asked for my real identity. I never get attached to the persons I meet because doing so would mean pain –sadness- grief because I had to leave them anyways.

I had a routine, I have mastered different skills, I have accumulated much money and I have almost visited all the places. But I never had a goal, I just continue to live. Every 10 years, I moved to different countries –places –towns, villages until the year 2012 when I thought it was going to be just a normal passing year but it started a spark that wasn’t there yet – a feeling I haven’t experienced before and it would make me want to do something – to dream of wanting to have the ability to invent a thing – it was the year when I had experienced the most wonderful feeling – the warmth in my heart, the butterflies in the stomach and the never ending dream to be with someone - it was the year I met Byun Baekhyun.

But it was also the year I prayed to God that He should end my life. Because losing the one I love was a pain so excruciating I felt like I knew the feeling of dying.

I met Baekhyun at the hospital, he was an intern – and was assigned at my department. He was a talented student – it was as if he was already practicing medicine. He talked a lot about his dream of having his own hospital and would always prioritize the one who needed more attention – of those who couldn't afford paying high price because he told me his greatest dream was to lessen the pain of most people.

He asked me then what was my dream and I told him I don’t have any. He laughed and said “what’s the purpose of your life if you don’t have any dreams”

That time I was dumbfounded and stunned, yes, Chanyeol, what is your purpose? And I don’t know what’s the answer.

Days passed, I grew closer with the talkative intern and something in me had changed, I was getting more and more attached until I realized I was in love. Sadly, it was too late. And I lost Baekhyun to an accident.

6 months aren’t enough. It will never be enough, I had to see him again. I had to tell him I love him. So I decided, I would build a time machine and would always go back to that time I met him over and over again. I want to see him again, I want to hear his laugh, to see his smile to and to feel his warmth.

I love him.

And I know I will see him again.

The Story of You and Me (D – 4)

Where Chanyeol is a popular singer and Baekhyun is a pre-school teacher and they’ve been friends since grade school.

I’ll write songs for you.

I will always listen to them, I promise.

Once again, Park Chanyeol tops the chart and the album sales have been great ,exceeding the sales of their past album. It isn’t a surprise when Chanyeol is showered with love and attention, fanboys and fangirls alike, all over the world. On a regular basis, he receives love letters, wedding proposals and even one night stand offers from common individuals even celebrities and politicians.

But Chanyeol always declines.

He doesn’t need to date anyone because he already has someone.

Byun Baekhyun has been living his dream - a simple and noble dream of teaching kids. He loves kids - adores them. There may be ups and downs - issues arising because he is homosexual - some parents think it’s a disease that could get their children infected but Baekhyun didn’t lose his determination and instead he proves to them that being a homosexual isn’t a way to discriminate a person. It isn’t a disease.

Byun Baekhyun has been given the best wedding proposal - and at first he isn’t sure to agree or to back out. Being a teacher means so much to him but the guy in front of him means everything to him.

Park Chanyeol’s song is playing in the background - Park Chanyeol is standing there in front of him. Baekhyun smiles and says thank you as he walks towards the man who’s currently on his knees waiting for an answer.

“Yes, I will marry you.”

ParkChanyeol is a popular singer and Byun Baekhyun is a pre-school teacher and they’ve been friends since grade school. One is drowning in a depressing well waiting for the other one to catch him. While the other lives in a fairytale in which the happy ending has long been written.

Once again Park Chanyeol has topped the charts. He is at a wedding and the reporters have been lurking everywhere. When he was asked where he gets his inspiration, he thinks of a young man clad in a perfectly tailored white suit walking down the aisle just a while ago and he replies:

“I write songs for someone, hoping one day that someone will realize that the songs I’m writing are all for him.”

But I guess he’ll never know.

Wedding Rings, (C - 5)
And I learned You deserve better was sometimes no more than a synonym for I don’t want to hurt you and I want you to be happy, but its more fitting description is I don’t love you anymore.

It’s when he realizes he lost his chance. Chanyeol is left with shattered pieces of glass of once a perfectly sculptured piece of art --- the reflection is mocking him because the words can still be read clearly despite the broken pieces scattered on the floor, Just Married.

He sits outside the church in one of the old wooden benches after jostling his way out of the crowd; many had been trying to get their noses on what could have prompted the recent tragedy; there were some who are sniffing around him wanting to know his reaction but he calmly passes them and all he has been doing for the past forty five minutes was trying to beat his score on Endless Dove. What is left to do? Chanyeol knows this had to end sooner or later. Another ten minutes has gone by, Chanyeol is certain that majority of the guests who are partially confused, half saddened by the turn of events already left the church with curiosity still tied on their minds.

It wasn’t every day that this occurrence happens so everyone was pretty dumbfounded.

Chanyeol glances at his wristwatch, it’s almost 7. He didn’t realize that the sun has long gone. He doesn’t know what to feel because frankly, he doesn’t feel anything. He isn’t numb nor a martyr but he really doesn’t sense any emotion. He hopes his face doesn’t magically look like the Earth has befallen upon him because his insides are telling him he’s okay because he really is.

“Hyung” It’s soft, unsure and somewhat delicate that it seems the speaker is afraid to utter any word - terrified of committing mistakes.

“Yes?” Chanyeol casually replies, the tone is the one he usually uses for everyday conversations. And he is basically okay – yeah, just okay.

Sehun looks at him worriedly. It is given that Sehun is his best friend and has all the right to be concerned but there’s really nothing to mull over about because Chanyeol is confident that he is okay. Who knows his own body better than he does?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sehun offers but Chanyeol quickly declines saying he’s okay because he really is okay.

“But hyung---”

“Did you take care of everything already?” Chanyeols asks abruptly cutting short Sehun’s interrogations “You should probably ask the caterer to donate the food to the orphanage, it will be a waste if we’ll just throw them out. Everything has been paid for anyways.”

Chanyeol stands up and dusts off his pants, “So, all done? Let’s go home?”

And as if it’s a normal day, Chanyeol walks into his car, waits for Sehun to be comfortable in the passenger seat until he drives away, drops Sehun off his house and Chanyeol goes back to his apartment.

He slept soundly that night.

It’s as if nothing happened.

Chanyeol is okay.

Even though there was no wedding that happened.

Chanyeol is okay.

Even if Kyungsoo left him at the altar.

People often witness break ups - it is a casual yet intriguing part of life. In news stories, in entertainment portals and even in real life, couples breaking up is one the most natural events of everyday life but calling a wedding off isn’t a typical occurrence.

People are so eager to help heal the broken pieces of the one who was left behind in the altar. There are some who offer kind words, some send presents thinking it’ll ease the pain. More people are willing to lend a hand.

But Chanyeol’s case isn’t the normal one - because he doesn’t need any help because he is okay.

It has been a week since Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s wedding has been called off – Kyungsoo, on the last minute has changed his mind and left the church even before the ceremony started. Everyone was taken aback when Kyungsoo walked down the aisle tears running down his face and when he reached Chanyeol, he hugged him and then left. Just like that.

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo has been with each other for a long time and their puzzle pieces fit perfectly with each other, like they’re already the answer to each other’s questions - no one knows what triggered Kyungsoo to suddenly back out on a lifelong commitment with the one he has been in love with for almost all his life. The decision Kyungsoo has made took everyone by surprise. Why would a love that seems perfect suddenly vanish into thin air?

No one knows. Even Chanyeol doesn’t know. He didn’t want to know.

It takes Chanyeol a couple of months after the supposed to be wedding before Chanyeol decided he wants to go back to the jewelry shop. It’s just a passing idea, a what if moment but Chanyeol battles with himself whether he’ll return or just keep the rings as a memento and in the end, he has won; he doesn’t have anything to do anyway so why not try.

Chanyeol approaches the counter. There are no customers other than him but this jewelry shop popularly known as the Luce Clara has the finest jewelries in Korea. You need an appointment to get in, Chanyeol doesn’t have any but he tries his luck.

“Good afternoon”

A bright smile welcomes him, “Hi, how may I help you, are you Mr. Kim?” says the guy behind the counter. He is sure this guy isn’t the sales person he talked with months ago when he bought the rings.

“I’m Park Chanyeol and I bought a pair of rings a few months ago.”

Chanyeol wants to deal with this as quickly as possible so without further introductions or whatsoever, he asks “What’s your return policy for wedding rings?”

Clearly, the jewelry guy isn’t prepared for that kind of question as he almost drops the ruby necklace he is holding “Excuse me?” The jewelry guy questions him.

Chanyeol clears his throat and to be honest, he doesn’t really know if the shop will still take back the rings. It has been months since he last bought them but he takes the chance, something in him had the urge to revisit the store and get rid of the rings – maybe it’s for the better – for his complete recovery and the last process of moving on.

“I want to return the rings.” He says in a calm manner hoping the jewelry guy will not be offended. Because who, in their sane minds, would return a jewelry from one of the top shops in Korea?

But Chanyeol is right the guy seems upset as he looks straight into his eyes as if he’s reading Chanyeol’s mind. The staring contest exceeds a couple of minutes and Chanyeol finds it weird and uncomfortable, he had to look away.

“Do you have the receipt?” The guy says with a voice so dejected, Chanyeol wants to take back the rings and never again step foot on the shop. But he needs to do it.

Chanyeol then reaches for his left side pocket to get his wallet. As he nervously looks for the receipt, the jewelry guy waits patiently. Chanyeol senses a shift in the aura, the once cheerful environment turns into a gloomy one. The jewelry guy quietly takes the piece of paper.

“Did your wife want something else?” He asks, the voice is downright cheerless.

“No.” Chanyeol says, “And it’s a husband”

If the jewelry guy is surprised he doesn’t show it as he continuously checks the validity of the receipt.

“You purchased these last May 6, 2015 and it has been three months. What seems to be the problem with the rings?”

“Um---”

Before Chanyeol has the chance to answer, he is cut off by the jewelry guy.

“As much as I want to help you, sir, what you can only do is to exchange the rings for other designs.”

No. Chanyeol doesn’t want another pair. He doesn’t need any more wedding rings, he loathes shining pieces of round expensive jewelries because it brings unwanted memory. “But I really want to get rid of the rings”

The jewelry guy, Chanyeol observes, looks offended. This time, it becomes a heated argument as the jewelry guy defends the rings.

“Why don’t you want to get rid of the rings? Are they ugly? Are they not shiny? No one has ever bought a pair of rings in this shop that they’ve return. What made you change your mind?”

Chanyeol has thought of explanations because he doesn’t want to prolong his agony. What has happened in the past is the thing of the past – not the future so he has to deal with the present to forget the past. Explaining what has happened has been a choice but for Chanyeol, using his own voice – mouth to say the man he loved left him at the altar, it’s more than suicide. So Chanyeol opts to lie, to make up a story.

“It’s because ---”

“I take pride in my rings, I design them with my own creativity. I spend sleepless nights and you’re telling me you’re getting rid of my rings? My rings?”

But the jewelry guy isn’t giving him time to explain as he continues to fire words after sentences after paragraphs on why the rings are top class. This is supposed to be an easy task, now Chanyeol really shouldn’t have tried to return the rings, he should’ve just sold them. So he tries to again to offer an explanation.

“Well, it’s because...”

The more he tries to explain, the more he loses his focus. He just wants to get rid of the god damn rings.

“Sir, do the rings not meet your criteria?”

The jewelry guy keeps on questioning him but ignoring his answers. And Chanyeol is getting really tired and confused. What to say? What to explain? What the hell is the problem of this guy?

“Are the rings ugly?”

“They’re beautiful.” Chanyeol answers, he’s not going to lie on that part because months ago when he set an appointment, had toured the shop and his eyes caught a glimpse of the gold pair of rings, he knew they were the perfect piar. But things didn’t go as plan.

“But you want to get rid of them, why?”

Chanyeol wants to go home and not answer any of the questions.

“Why do you want to get rid of them?”

“Why?”

“Why”

Chanyeol is too tired for another set of questions. The pressure that is on him is high enough, he can feel his heart beating fast. The dilemma he has been going through to tell a lie or to tell the truth wouldn’t leave his mind. He just wants to get rid of the rings.

“Why, sir?”

“Why did you want----”

“My groom left me at the altar”

It is rushed, words almost getting jumbled in Chanyeols lips. Lies will not work, he just need to let it all out. He wants to say the words as soon as possible fearing two different reasons. One, is that Chanyeol thinks he’ll break down and cry and two, he knows he won’t be able to have a chance again because the little guy will just cut him off.

Silence ensues in the shop. It has been more than five minutes but the jewelry guy’s eyes never left Chanyeol’s, he had to look away. He doesn’t hear anymore follow up questions from the jewelry guy. That is until he hears a faint sound of sobs, What the hell? Is he crying?

“Excu---” Chanyeol tries as much as possible to know what’s going on. It’s confusing as fuck.

“Oh My God, I’m emotional. I’m sorry. I’m just, how can I be so insensitive?” The jewelry guy says in utter disbelief while he fans himself using his hands. He casually wipes the tears that formed in his eyes as he walks back and forth behind the counter

“Sir, it’s oka—”

“It’s not okay!” The jewelry guy says incredulously “I am sorry.” He then stops walking and his eyes are locked on Chanyeols’s. Suddenly, Chanyeol feels warmth crawling into his chest.

“I’m so stupid. What have I done? You can return the rings. I’ll have my secretary deposit the money in your back account.” The jewelry guy marches towards the other side of the shop and he starts to close the glass cabinets. Chanyeol stands at his spot awkwardly. Should he leave? Can he go home now? Chanyeol battles with himself, the jewelry guy says he’ll accept the ring, right? So it’s okay to leave? But even before ending with a conclusion, the jewelry guy is back with a much confusing offer.

“Let me take you to coffee”

“What?” Chanyeol dumbly blurts out.

“I insist, it’s the least I can do. I’m so insensitive , I can’t believe I’m so insensitive. I need to, I didn’t know. I’m really sorry. ”

Shaking his head, Chanyeol tries to explain that it’s really not the jewelry guy’s fault and all is well now, “You really don’t need to. It has been months and ---”

It’s confusing how this has escalated to a rather complicated ordeal. The jewelry guy isn’t giving him many options. “I’ve closed the shop, there’s a nearby café, so let’s go? “Please, I insist.”

After a couple of minutes, Chanyeol is sitting comfortable in a seat near the glass window of Café Bene waiting for the jewelry guy who now he knows by his name, Baekhyun – Byun Baekhyun with his hot chocolate and chocolate pudding.

How long has it been since Chanyeol has experience this comfy feeling? He has to admit, he has those moments when he just stares longingly at something and his mind isn’t processing anything. Sehun sets him up on dates but he refuses. He’s okay, but is okay really enough?

“Again, I’m sorry” Baekhyun says cutting of Chanyeol’s train of thoughts.

“I told you, it’s really okay. But thanks for the hot choco”

“My pleasure.” Baekhyun replies and he smiles and Chanyeol finds it hard to pinpoint the meaning behind the smile. It’s too bright, too kind and too heart-warming.

They talk about plants. Baekhyun hates flowers except for roses. He thinks they’re pretty. That’s what Chanyeol learns in the first five minutes of their stay in the café. Chanyeol also learns that Baekhyun owns Luce Clara and the rings Chanyeol bought who, for the record, agreed to claim it back, were Baekhyun’s most loved design. For the past hour, they have been sharing a lot of stories about the people they meet, work related stuff and even embarrassing moments until Chanyeol, out of nowhere, opens up about his once greatest love. It’s a slip of the tongue or maybe, the story has long been buried in his heart and is screaming to be out in the open.

“I knew he will leave me. I already knew but I ignored all those hints. I guess I just wanted to prolong what he have but by doing so, I extended the agony.”

Nodding his head understandingly, Baekhyun puts down his drink and is now more attentive to hear what Chanyeol has to say.

Chanyeol chews on his lower lip, still undecided if he’ll continue. His heart is beating wildly against his ribcage, he doesn’t know if all he has kept in him – the ones that are buried in the deepest part of his heart will still have a strong impact on him. Telling the truth, Chanyeol has said he had cried not once but every day for the first month. He looked okay because he wants everyone to know that he is but he’s not because being okay is not good enough – will never be good enough.

Admitting the truth actually doesn’t hurt. Chanyeol feels light as if the burden he carries suddenly vanishes and Baekhyun just listened to the whole story attentively, not giving opinions that would clearly be invading Chanyeol’s privacy. It’s funny how Chanyeol easily opens up to the guy he just met.

He tells Baekhyun the pain of knowing his fiancée has fallen in love with someone else, has fallen in love more with someone else and the love that they once shared has turned into dusts.

“I know he was seeing another man when we’re together.” Chanyeol says and it didn’t hurt not like what he has expected.

Chanyeol continues his story as Baekhyun patiently listens. It takes them a couple of minutes more until they reached the not so happily ever after.

“Can I just say one thing?” Baekhyun says.

Chanyeol nods signaling it’s okay.

“Your ex is an ass.” The shorter male declares with much vigor. But then he realizes what he said so he mumbles a soft “sorry”

Chanyeol begins to laugh because maybe Baekhyun is right, his ex is really an ass.

“Have you seen him after he left?”

“Nope. All I know is that he lives with his boyfriend and their going to get married”

Baekhyun looks so angry, in Chanyeol’s perspective.

“But I guess it’s okay. People move on. I did”

They continue to talk a little more, Baekhyun clearly shifts the conversation to a lighter one and Chanyeol feels thankful. The café is being too crowded but they don’t mind, they continue to change stories and Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun is a really great guy – a funny one too.

But then as he continues his story about his pet ferret when he was little, he suddenly feels he needs more air to breathe, because a familiar face just entered the café. Baekhyun obviously notices Chanyeol’s façade has suddenly changed as he takes a peek on the café’s door. Baekhyun then sees a couple – happy and contented are shown on their faces.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to feel. And then everything happens so fast as Baekhyun stands up from his seat, walks over to Chanyeol as he holds his hand and drags him to the door of the shop, they meet halfway with the other couple that just came in.

“Hi” Baekhyun says in a cheerful voice.

The pair is caught off guard as the shorter male’s smile changed to a frown and then a pursed lips, realizing that the tall guy is his ex-fiancé. But Baekhyun never left him a time to utter anything, even Chanyeol’s name.

“My name is Byun Baekhyun and you’re invited to our wedding” He smiles and raises his locked hands with Chanyeol proving their together.

Kyungsoo, Chanyeol’s ex-fiancé and the guy that’s with him are engulfed with surprise but Chanyeol’s shock is incomparable. What is happening?

“And I’m sorry for your loss” Baekhyun says to Kyungsoo. He drags Chanyeol along with him after he bowed and bid them goodbye.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol walked out of the café, still their hands are intertwined. When they reach the park, Baekhyun bursts out laughing “Did you see his face?”

Chanyeol couldn’t formulate a coherent response because what the hell just happened?

Baekhyun abruptly stops laughing when he sees Chanyeol’s confused face, “Oh my God, it was a bad joke? I’m so sorry. Did I offend you?”

Chanyeol still couldn't really comprehend what just happened but Baekhyun’s continuous pleads and his worry-stricken face couldn’t prevent Chanyeol from laughing. He doesn’t really care if Baekhyun is suddenly hitting his shoulders and demanding an explanation. They both end up laughing their hearts out.

“Thanks” Chanyeol says when they both have calmed down.

“For what?” Baekhyun grins.

“For making me laugh today.”

“You’re a cheese ball.”

Chanyeol laughs again and he feels his heart warming up again. Did it ever stop though? Did it ever stop feeling warm when he’s with Baekhyun? Or it is just getting warmer and warmer the more he spends time with the jewelry guy. Baekhyun’s smile can easily brighten up a day.

“Thanks for wanting to marry too” Chanyeol jokes.

“You’re welcome Mr. Park” Baekhyun winks at him and then he laughs again and Chanyeol feels his heart warm up even more. “Let’s make this official”

Baekhyun suddenly stands up and proceeds to the bubble tea kiosk at the entrance of the park. When he comes he back, he brings with him a plastic straw cut in half.

“Did you know I used my ever famous puppy dog eyes just to get this for free?”

Baekhyun suddenly takes Chanyeol’s hands and wraps the plastic straw around Chanyeol’s ring finger. He grins when he finishes.

“My turn” He says.

So Chanyeol takes Baekhyun’s hands and wraps half of what’s left behind of the plastic straw on Baekhyun’s ring finger too.

“It looks great” Baekhyun says, laughing. “Now, we’re officially going to ---- Fuck!” Baekhyun screams and everyone on the park looks at them, the parents covered their children’s ears. The old people threw angry glances, some didn’t mind but others laughed.

Chanyeol is stunned, what.

“I’m supposed to meet a client today. I totally forgot!” Baekhyun confesses, “I totally forgot. Oh my God”

Baekhyun is really something. Chanyeol has to take all what he got to stop himself from laughing, “I’ll accompany you.” He says in between the suppressed laughter.

Baekhyun eyes him judgingly, “Are you sure?”

“For all the help you just did, I really don’t mind. Besides, I don’t have anything to do today.”

“I’m supposed to meet my client at Café Bane. “

When Chanyeol and Baekhyun arrive at the café, they both freeze on the spot.

“You have got to be kidding me” Baekhyun says and his gaze automatically turns to the tall guy beside him
Chanyeol answers with a reassuring smile and Baekhyun eyes him disapprovingly as if saying are you sure?

Chanyeol nods, “I’ll be outside.”

Baekhyun doesn’t protest and walks in the café and as he approaches a familiar couple, he displays his best smile, “I’m Byun Baekhyun, owner of Luce Clara and I believe you’re Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo?”

They both nod in response.

“So what kind of wedding rings do you want?”
Chanyeol patiently waits outside, and for once he isn’t thinking about Kyungsoo or isnit feeling any remorse. He’s thinking of the straw rings wrapped in his little finger and a certain jewelry guy who is confusing as hell and clearly, most of the time, is spontaneous but instantly brightens up Chanyeol’s day – even his once colorless life and he wonders if it’s possible to get married with hand-made straw rings.

Because the straw rings are better than the golden pair of wedding rings.

The Temporary Soldier, (U – 4)

I am a soldier who has promised to do everything. I have lived in this life fully knowing that I’ll protect my country. I vowed for loyalty. I fight for my country.

Today, I have claimed many lives and my people have put their trust in me.

I vowed to serve my country; I am prepared to die in the battlefield.

God help me.

It wasn’t in my plan to fall in love. If saving the country means losing the one I truly love, will the cheers and the happiness of others fill the empty space of my heart?

“This is commander Park Chanyeol speaking.”

The world is a scary place to be – it’s a ticking time bomb and I feel like it’s waiting for my go signal to start counting what’s left.

I am standing a mile before the enemy’s camp where Byun Baekhyun, the man I truly love is held captive.
They say protect the country is the top priority. So with a heavy heart, I say out the command.

“Fire the missiles.”

The Waiting Game (C - 6)

So here’s the deal, Chanyeol and Baekhyun have been friends since kindergarten. Their friendship has been blooming since, it seems destiny has written their future.

They are like butter and toast, coffee and milk, ramen during the cold nights, partners in crime, the rainbow after every rain and every other narrative that people can come up with for people who fit together perfectly. They are Chanyeol and Baekhyun, not Chanyeol, not Baekhyun --- but Chanyeol and Baekhyun.

If there’s one thing people should know about friendship is that it’s a fragile thing. A masterpiece so priceless, once tainted, it will slowly loses its value. Most often than not, friendship is coupled with feelings of wanton desire.

Chanyeol has always pierced on his mind that he’ll forever be with Baekhyun. He thinks being his best friend will make him stay with him forever. A thought of losing Baekhyun hasn’t quite pass through his thinking. For Chanyeol, Baekhyun will always be by his side.
“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol screams as he spots a familiar figure standing awkwardly a few feet away the ticket booth of the subway station. It’s really cute how Baekhyun is throwing daggers at him. It’s not like he is 30 minutes late.

“You’re late” Baekhyun exclaims when Chanyeol reaches his spot.

“I’m not, you’re just early.” He replies beaming, suddenly dropping the bags he's carrying because he needs his arms free from any baggage, he has been dying to envelope Baekhyun into hug, it has been a month.

And then Chanyeol does without any hesitation, arms naturally finding its way to Baekhyun’s back; it’s incredible how Baekhyun fit perfectly in his arms, “I missed you.” He says.

It’s the end of high school and Chanyeol feels proud – pleased because he finished it together with Baekhyun, his best friend. And soon they’ll be off to college – together.

“Congratulations Baekhyun!” He says, smile forming on his lips.

“Congrats too Yeol!”

And it’s satisfying how the warmth of Baekhyun’s body can make Chanyeol’s inside melt.

Friendship, sometimes, is mistaken as a different thing because the word friend masked the truth and sometimes, people, when they realize it – it’s already too late.

“We’re together. Kris and I.”

At first Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun is paired up with Kris for a project so he shifts the conversation into a funnier one.

“I’m paired up with Sehun, how can we even finish our project?” He laughs.

Baekhyun stares at him, “Yeol.” He says more determined and there is something in Baekhyun’s eyes that
Chanyeol refuses to decipher and suddenly he feels terror.

“Kris and I” Baekhyun states, word for word, slowly.

And Chanyeol wants to run because he senses the next words will be painful

“We’re together. Like, together-together”

“Wh-what?” Chanyeol laughs unsurely, eyes forming crescent moons.

“I said yes.”

And that’s why when Baekhyun cheerfully announced he finally said yes to Kris, Chanyeol’s world started to fall apart. Like the little pieces of a puzzle are taken out and burned into ashes or a glass shattering into miniscule shreds – broken, beyond repair.

It’s the day Chanyeol has realized every time he feels his heart leap isn’t about excitement, every waking moment of wanting to be with Baekhyun isn’t because he needed a companion, every night of countless replays of his adventures with Baekhyun isn’t about treasuring him as a best friend, every time he promises he’ll be with Baekhyun for eternity and whispering I love you’s isn’t because he treats him as best friend but because he is indeed, irreversibly, insanely in love with him.

It’s the same day Chanyeol has realized that he’s too late.

And Chanyeol could only fake a smile while he’s forcing himself not to break down and cry.

Sometimes Chanyeol settles for a forced smile, hoping Baekhyun will not be able to tell he’s faking everything.

“You know I love you right? You’re my best friend and I love you so tell me if something is bothering you.”

It’s comforting. He’s sure Baekhyun just wants the best for him; only wants to take care of him and assure him Baekhyun will always be there for him. Chanyeol knows it since the beginning that people will leave, but not Baekhyun.

But he guesses that is mistake.

But can a mistake be right just once?

Unpublished, Unwritten, Unloved, (0)

All he wanted was flowers but I never gave him one.

It has been five months since I started a routine. Wake up at 7, prepare something to eat at 8, visit the hospital at 9.

Upon arriving, I always replace the single red rose on the vase situated on top of the bedside table. I enver forget to bring a new one every time –everyday. I read a story by 10 in the morning then the doctors come in at 11 to check the vital signs. That's the time I grab my lunch. By 2 pm, it's either I meet a familiar face or a new one enters.

There will never be a day that will go by that I won’t read something. I felt the need to. I make it a point to read a couple of phrases or a full length story even though I have been repeating the same things for a couple of times. Sometimes, people listen when I read and they wait until I finish, some will leave half way to meet other appointments, some will request that I’ll continue the story once they get back. There are times when the nurses drop by to listen even after their shifts.

By 6, a nurse comes along to check him once more - that's the time I eat my dinner. I go home at 10 then I sleep. And when I wake up - I do it all over again.

People, unbeknownst to them, are always on a routine. They fall in love, they get hurt, they stand up, they fall in love again and the habit continues, whether they agree to it or not until they found that one special someone who will mess up the routine – completely.

I have loved and fallen out of love several times.

I am Park Chanyeol and my greatest love is Byun Baekhyun.
The first time I met Baekhyun it wasn’t like those scenes in a movie where everything becomes magical. There are no butterflies in my stomach; I didn’t feel the padum padum. The first time we met, it wasn’t really special. He’s just Byun Baekhyun – a classmate.

We started as classmates and eventually became friends – he’s the loud guy in class whose friends range from the president of the student body down to the guy who’s a regular student-can’t really determine if he’s a student because he’s rarely in class. I’m the introvert who rarely speaks to the persons I am not friends with but I’m a fun guy to the persons I’m closest with. I have 5 friends – that’s about it. The rest are just acquaintances.

They say love moves in mysterious way but I don’t believe in songs or the lyrics for the broken-hearted persons.

Byun Baekhyun is not overly popular but many students in the campus know who Baekhyun is. He’s the social guy who everyone adores.

Sometimes Baekhyun volunteers to do our assignments because he has nothing to do. One of my friends thinks he’s cute. But I don’t, he’s just Byun Baekhyun – the nice loud guy Byun Baekhyun.

I remember Baekhyun being super close to one of my friends, Sehun; they claim to be best of friends. Baekhyun has a lot of best friends – I really couldn’t determine who the first in rank is. And because Baekhyun has a lot of friends, I often see him on every place in the campus – running around to help a friend design a layout for the banner for the campus fair. And then he is in the faculty room, helping the professor arrange the dean’s list. Baekhyun is always on the move but his smile never once faltered.

But again he’s just Byun Baekhyun - the nice, helpful, loud guy Byun Baekhyun.

They say love will suddenly make you realize everything that has been missing in your life but I don’t believe in such, love is a decision not a choice and it’s definitely not related to realization.

I remembered ther, it’s when Sehun had said Baekhyun will help us make the project for our History subject. Baekhyun was supposed to help only Sehun but I joined them because I really need to pass History and getting creative isn’t one of my strong points. Upon reaching Sehun’s house, I wasn’t really surprised when Baekhyun said he had finished the project and all we need to do was just to cut out the remaining pieces and add up a few little descriptions. Baekhyun does that the best. I think Sehun and I both felt guilty because Baekhyun basically did all the work, we volunteered to finish but Sehun had said I should just entertain Baekhyun by being his opponent on Sehun’s newest gaming console.

Of course, I was an expert in the game and Baekhyun was a newbie but I let him win a couple of times because I had fun watching his reactions every time he beat the crap out of me in the game. Those were priceless.

But at the end of the day, still, he’s just Byun Baekhyun – the nice helpful fun loud guy Byun Baekhyun.
After that day, Baekhyun talked with me a lot more often than before. I didn’t find it suspicious or anything because Baekhyun talks with a lot of people. And a lot, I mean – all the students in the campus. Among my group of friends, he’s closer to Sehun and Kai. I’m just another friend among his gigantic circle of friends. Eventually, Baekhyun and the usual friends on his side join our lunch table. I don’t mind.
They say love isn’t something you find, love is something that finds you.

There came a time when I was suddenly romantically and accidentally paired up with someone by my peers. It started as a joke because I was the quiet one and there’s this one guy who has talked with me – everything began with little teases and then eventually I, myself didn’t realize I’m suddenly investing in those simple tales.

I was the quiet – sometimes - the funny guy in class and an issue started to arise that I have a thing with our classmate Do Kyungsoo. My friends set me up on dates with Kyungsoo which I do not agree beforehand. Sometimes, I find myself alone with Kyungsoo in a room and then there’s no other choice but to talk because he always lead us to conversations And then I got used to it. I got used to the feeling that Kyungsoo is with me, that we talk with each other. Slowly, we begin to converse even after class, we exchange numbers and started texting and somewhere along the way, I fell.

There was this one time in class where Kai had brought a bouquet of flowers so I can give it to Kyungsoo. My friends are supportive to the point that I really don’t need to exert an effort because they do things for us, Kyungsoo and I, so our relationship or whatever we have will work. On my peripheral view I saw Baekhyun cheering for me and Kyungsoo– genuinely cheering for us because Baekhyun is friends with Do Kyungsoo. And Baekhyun always supports his friends.

I really don’t mind because Byun Baekhyun is Byun Baekhyun – the nice helpful fun supportive loud guy Byun Baekhyun.

According to a popular belief, love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.

It has been months since I was going out with Kyungsoo but we really aren’t together – we just practically hang out and spend time together – no kissing, no hugs – we held hands – once.
And then everything started to fall apart when Kyungsoo moved away from the city because it’s summer vacation. I was sad but that’s it. I haven’t exerted effort in paying him a visit. That’s just who I am – I don’t do extravagant stuffs. I’d rather spend my vacation at home with my family than to go out and chase a guy on another city.
The next school year started, Kyungsoo came back but we were over or the thing about us whatever that is was over. And I’m okay. I’m still the silent-sometimes funny guy in class.

The day I saw Baekhyun again was the time he was alone in a room completely engrossed in his laptop. I hated to stay at the cafeteria because it gets loud and I want some place that’s quiet, so I had no other choice but to join Baekhyun in an empty classroom.

When I enter, he casually smiled; the smile he gives to everybody, the Byun Baekhyun you are a friend smile and he said the moment he saw me, “Hey, Chanyeol!”

“Hi” I replied and sit at the far end of the room giving Baekhyun his space because I might have disturbed him.

Surprisingly, he stopped whatever he was doing and started a conversation with me. “Have you watched Ong Bak?”

There’s an evident confusion written on my face, maybe, that’s why Baekhyun laughed.

“The action movie with a lot of killing and slashing and it’s awesome.” Baekhyun explained while pointing to his laptop signaling that I can watch the movie with him.

Of course I know the movie, I have watched it and I have a dvd collection of it.

“Yes” I answered, “I watched all 3 of those”

Baekhyun’s eyes grew wide, “Three?” he said. In absolute disbelief, he uttered, “I didn’t know there are three.”

I don’t know what got me because I don’t usually offer kindness to anyone but something in me pushed me, “I have the dvds at home, I can lend them to you.”

Baekhyun’s reaction was priceless, “Oh my God, are you sure? Are you really sure?”

How can I say no?

“I’ll bring them over tomorrow.” I said and Baekhyun muttered a thank you. People started arriving and Baekhyun’s clique snatched his attention and I remained on my seat while waiting for Sehun and the others.

That night, I received a text message from an unknown number, “Don’t forget Ongbak” It said. I smiled, the sender forget to write his name, if it weren’t for Ong Bak, I wouldn’t have guessed it was from Baekhyun.

“I won’t.” I replied.

That day Byun Baekhyun is still Byun Baekhyun – the nice helpful fun supportive silly loud guy Byun Baekhyun.

We started communicating through text regularly - although we haven’t really talked much in person, we pretty much know everything about each other. It’s fun – I’m happy when I get to receive texts from him.

From Baekhyun:
Watcha doin?

To Baekhyun:
Watching television, you?

From Baekhyun:
Watching animes, hahaha!

The conversation are light ones ranging from the things we did the whole day or what had happened to a television show we both liked. Everything is basically simple – but worth every penny I spend on text credits.

The first time I saw Baekhyun cry was just an accident. I was passing by the library when I saw his group of friends circled around him. And there he was, crying his heart out. That night, Baekhyun didn’t text me. It was okay, maybe he was having a bad day.

It has been several days since he last text me, we haven’t really been talking in class lately – he seemed not the usual Byun Baekhyun. I got curious but I didn’t want to text him so I still waited for the day that he will – just like the other times.

And then after a week, one message from Byun Baekhyun appeared on my phone screen. It was a simple hey and he said sorry he wasn’t been able to text too much because there were some things he dealt. I wanted to ask what was it but I decided not to, I don’t want to pry into his personal matters.

That night, it’s the first time he called me. I was hesitant to answer at first because I thought it was a mistake but the phone continued to ring while the screen flashed Baekhyun’s name.

“Hello?” I said and Baekhyun replied with a loud laugh.

It started from there where we no longer just communicate through text but Baekhyun calls me every night too. Our conversations are always the same but different at the same time. We start casually to, “what are you doing?” and then he’ll tell me the newest book he has read or the frustrations he has to every single one of the bastards in class.

Our closeness ensued but he’s still Byun Baekhyun.

After months of late night phone calls, I have learned the reason why he cried that day. Baekhyun said he had experienced his 4th heartbreak – at first I was surprised, I haven’t really thought that Baekhyun was in a relationship – relationships. But as he continued his story, I understood. All of his heartbreaks came from only one man. That’s a little more surprising.

Baekhyun said he had loved a boy for three years and they were never in a relationship. I continued listening and somewhat my heart breaks for Byun Baekhyun.

“To love is one thing; to be loved is another but the greatest feeling one can ever feel is to be loved by the person he loved the most”

Baekhyun said he got tired being the guy who’s always there, exhausted of being the guy who will never leave and he can no longer accept that he’s the guy who will never be the first in someone’s life. I didn’t know that Baekhyun – the Byun Baekhyun that I know had been experiencing such agony.

After his story, I was speechless for two reasons: I’ve got nothing to say and I don’t know what to say. Baekhyun seemed to get what I was going through so he laughed the usual Byun Baekhyun laugh.

“I’m okay now and I’m getting over him slowly” he said. “And I’m sorry to just suddenly drop my story, I just needed to let this out”

“It’s okay, I understand. We’re friends right?”

“Thanks Chanyeol” Baekhyun replied and I knew he was smiling on the other end of the line. That made my breathing stabilized.

The phone conversation ended great – and I found myself smiling before I finally closed my eyes and dream of him.

I wasn’t expecting anything when we see each other after the phone call. But the thing is, I was all of a sudden excited to go to school. I was a little too early for the morning class but I really don’t mind. There weren’t much bustling around the corridors, the rooms were almost empty – usually the rooms were occupied by the early birds.

I saw Kyungsoo walking towards our room, he waved his hand. The thing was, Kyungsoo and I were pretty casual - we remained as friends as if there was nothing that happened between us. And that’s great.

“You’re not going to watch the program?” He asked when we met the door of the classroom.

“Program?” I asked, utterly confused.

“The one where Baekhyun and the others are performing.”

Obviously, I didn’t know that there was an event, on my defense, it wasn’t announc----

“It was announced yesterday, plus 20 points when you attend. You weren’t listening, were you?”

Okay, I wasn’t paying attention. But, Byun Baekhyun, performing?

“You should probably go, Sehun and the others are there. I was looking for the rest of our classmates so they could watch, a little support for Baek.”

And Kyungsoo bid goodbye and searched every room. I walked towards the auditorium, I honestly didn’t know there was a performance. As I was walking, I could hear the faint sounds of cheers and screams.

Upon entering the venue, it wasn’t so hard to spot Sehun and the gang because they always pick the chairs near the air conditioning system – no one would want to leave the auditorium all sweaty.

“You’re late” Sehun muttered.

“You didn’t tell me there’s going to be a program” I replied taking a seat beside Kai.

“We weren’t planning on watching but Kyungsoo insisted and I wanted to watch Baekhyun too.” Sehun snickered. “He texted me a couple of times to remind that I should watch”

That moment, I felt like a child being robbed of his precious toys. Why would Baekhyun text Sehun, not me? Was I still insignificant in his life? Were all those late night calls just purely games?

The music started playing and I suddenly didn’t want to watch anymore. I felt drained, like all the energy had been sucked out of my system.

But it turned upside down when the first note of the song was sung.

I was mesmerized.

Byun Baekhyun is Byun Baekhyun. The loud funny smart silly supportive --- Eventually, I ran out of adjectives to describe Baekhyun and then I realized I was in love.

I fell in love with Byun Baekhyun.

They say love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.

It was the mid-year break, and still, my secret was kept hidden. Baekhyun still calls every night, we talk about anything until Baekhyun says he needed to sleep. He always calls me first because I fear that if I was the one who will initiate the phone conversations, he will know that I like him and maybe if he knew, he’ll stop calling.

Baekhyun went home to Busan while I remained in Seoul. He still keeps in touch – the late night phone calls became our thing. But it decreased. Baekhyun has mentioned that there were a lot of things going on the province – his friends coming over, attending parties and family gatherings. He watched his friends compete during the festival and sometimes I hear his friends on the background – teasing him.

The more Baekhyun and I converse each night, the more I realized how much I have fallen in love and I have fallen more in love. The days when our phone calls are cut short because his friends visited him – that’s the time I feel empty.

I have tried not answering his phone calls because my mind was preoccupied with thoughts – thoughts about him. I feared that my mind would burst out because all I think about was him. My heart was in pain because I know it beats only for him and it hurts me because I don’t know if he feels the same way like I do.

And then there came a day, I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore.

Baekhyun called in a middle of a family gathering, he said he got bored and his best friend was being a pain in the ass so he needed a few minutes for himself. We talked about the usual things, how was my day, the movies I’ve watched and he talked about the places he visited until suddenly while he was in the middle of a story he stopped and I begin to get afraid.

I heard voices from the background, cheering.

“Baek?” I said but he didn’t answer. I want to end the call but I didn’t thinking Baekhyun just did some errands.

“Baek” I said again. I heard faint sounds of Kris is hugging him.

“Hey! Yeol!” Baekhyun panted. “I ran away from them” He explained.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to feel. Kris is hugging who?

“Kris is my first love” He explained.

That night, I felt I was losing to war - a war that hasn’t started yet. There was a lot on my mind - the stories Baekhyun had told me how much he had love the only guy he loved and that same guy who broke his heart, not once nor twice but four times and then I wondered, does Baekhyun still love him too?

“He visited” Baekhyun said.

I didn’t want to listen, it was complicated. A mixture of unwanted feelings were clouding my heart. My mind was in a daze and it was beyond painful. Do you love him, Baek? Does he love you? Because I do.

“I love you.” he wasn’t supposed to hear it, I wasn’t supposed to say it. It was not part of the plan.

“I love you too, Chanyeol”

But it caught me off guard; maybe those that weren’t planned are the best there is. no words could explain how I felt - all I know was that it was the happiest day of my life. And I remembered, I didn’t stop saying I love you for the rest of the night until Baekhyun has fallen asleep on the other end of the line.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect but we’re both happy. The first time I made him cry, I cried too because I couldn’t forgive myself for letting the person I truly love to be hurt and shed tears because of me. It was painful.

Byun Baekhyun is the type of guy who’ll sacrifice everything for the persons he loves the most. I was still running out of adjectives to describe him. Our first years were the golden ones. There wasn’t a single day that could go by without us muttering I love you’s and I love you more’s.

We were happy.

Happy 2nd Anniversary, I love you Chanyeol.

Happy 2nd Anniversarry Baekhyun, I love you more.

Baekhyun is the kind of guy who will make you feel you are loved. Every occasion, he would make a point to drop little surprises - some were big ones; there was one time when he organized a surprise birthday party. He would shower me with gifts even if he was on a tight budget. He learned how to cook so when our anniversary arrived, he made me home-cooked meals.

When I was too scared for my first job interview, he filed a leave from work just to accompany me and had waited outside the building for four hours. He would always make a point to tell me he loves me.

All was well. We were doing good. We stumbled into fights but before sunrise, we were holding each others arms.

I love you Park Chanyeol.

I love you more Byun Baekhyun.

I love you most.

Baekhyun took care of me when I was sick, would fly from another country because I was sick. he would leave everything behind just to take care of me but when he was running a fever, I just told him “You’ll be okay”

I know I love him, I really do but I don’t know myself, I guess I wasn’t a person to take action. It was hard for me to show how much I love him but I do - I really do. Were the words not enough?

You know I love you right?

Of course, Baek.

Never forget that.

I love him I really do but every time we fight, I want to break up with him. I tried several times but Baekhyun would always say sorry and would always always always tell me how much he loves me.

I’m sorry Chanyeol, it’s my fault. I will never do it again. I shouldn’t have said it.
I love you Chanyeol, I’m sorry.

Even if most of the time, I was the one at fault, Baekhyun would always be the one who would plead for forgiveness. And I never once did.

Are you still happy to be with me Chanyeol?

Yes.

Baekhyun would always ask if I was getting bored of our relationship and I would always answer No but sometimes I want to say yes because honestly, sometimes I felt like nothing’s really going on. Baekhyun will then shower me with hugs and would tell me I love you too much, can you hug me too please? That was one of my biggest mistakes, because if only I had realized that it was me who wasn’t doing anything and Baekhyun was always the one who was doing everything and anything for me, then maybe - just maybe ----

Years have passed, we’re still together but our fights grew more. He demanded that I should show an effort in preventing our relationship to crumble into pieces. To show a little bit of effort was always his dialogue. He should’ve have known I’m not the type of guy who exerts so much effort on anything. I’m simple and Baekhyun should have paid attention more to that but he was still insisting that if I truly love him, I’ll exert an effort – even if it’s a little one.

So it’s Valentine’s Day, what do you want to do?

Let’s just watch a dvd Baek.

Okay.

At times, he would expect that I would give him flowers. He gave hints. He showed me what color and what type of flowers he wanted but I never paid attention. I listened but it was just a passing memory. Sometimes, I feel tired of having to agree on everything he likes but what I failed to fully grasp was that all he did was beneficial for me.

Happy Birthday Baekhyun, I love you.

Thank you Chanyeol, I love you more.

It wasn’t because I was poor or I couldn’t give him anything, it wasn’t just my thing. And I knew Baekhyun wasn’t the type of guy who would really want to receive flowers. Flowers wither, it would be waste to just throw them out after a few weeks.

Happy Birthday Chanyeol! I love you!

Baekhyun, you shouldn’t have bought me these. But you’re amazing and I love you more!

For me, our relationship was okay. We fought over stupid things but got over them quickly. Baekhyun always was the first one to say sorry. And would always the first one who initiates skinship. After every fight, he would wrap his arms around me and would always say I love you Chanyeol.

So, what’s your plan for our 3rd Anniversary.

I don’t know Baek, up to you.

Okay.

Maybe I got tired of hearing his sentiments, I got tired of hearing his pleaded requests. Of hearing my faults, of hearing the things that I’ve done wrong. Why do I always get the blame for everything? Those were the thoughts I regretted the most.

So Yeol, did you know that Kai gave a bouquet of flowers to Kyungsoo and it was beautiful.
That’s sweet.

Baekhyun had helped me with everything, in getting a job, in doing the laundry during the times when our house helper had fled. He helped with chores, gave me moral support, he took care of my family and basically provided me with everything I needed.

My favorite flower is a red rose.

Roses are very common, Baek.

I know. I just like them.

Okay, up to you.

Before our 5th anniversary, we got into a fight. Maybe he was tired of all my excuses. And maybe, I was tired too.

True love is selfless. It is prepared to sacrifice. I was not.

My birthday is next month, I really want a rose.

Sure, Baek.

But I never gave him one.

Yeol, our anniversary is in two months. Did you know there’s a newly opened flower shop two blocks away from your home?

I didn’t know.

I still never gave him one.

Four years, eight months, Baekhyun had pleaded that he wanted flowers. But I still never gave him one. He questioned me, interrogated me – asking me if it was too hard for me to buy flowers. I replied no, I just didn’t want to buy because it will wither.

He cried out of anger. I only wanted flowers Yeol. A single rose would be perfect.

I still never gave him one.

After 5 years, I got tired of hearing over and over again about Baekhyun’s pleads so I told him I couldn't do it anymore and its okay if we broke up. We always argue, we always fight and we always find a way to make things right but this time, I was sure, I couldn’t be with him anymore.

I knew deep inside, this was not the same arguments we had before because I had no reservations left. I was ready to let him go.

Baekhyun had agreed but I saw it in his eyes that for him it was just the same the last time, after a couple of hours, Baekhyun will come back to me and say sorry and ask if we can continue to be together. That was the sequence, fight and make up but I wasn’t in the mood to make up. I was determined to let go.

And I am serious.

“No Baek, this time I mean it.” I said and I look into his eyes hoping to convey what I really felt inside, that I’m tired and I really want to leave him and maybe he did understood because he just nodded, tears streaming down his eyes and said slowly, “Okay, Chanyeol, thanks for everything.”

And then he was gone. Just like that.

Just like that.

This is our story, the one that hasn't been written yet, the one that I loathe, the one that changed every world. This is the real one. This is the world where I failed to show my love for him.

This is the one I wanted to change the most.

Our story started flawlessly – a love that most people envy but it ended drastically and it became a tragedy no one would want to read. I knew I was at fault, Baekhyun only wanted what was best for me, always did what was best for me but I could not do the same thing for him.

Baekhyun only wanted flowers, but I never gave him one.

It has been five months since I started a routine. Wake up at 7, prepare something to eat at 8, visit the hospital at 9. Remove the withered flower and place another one.

I read a story starting by 10 in the morning then the doctors come in at 11 to check the vital statistics. That's the time I grab my lunch. By 2 pm, it's either I meet a familiar face or a new one enters.

Sometimes, they listen to the stories until I finish, some will leave half way to meet other appointments. By 6, a nurse comes along to check him once more - that's the time I eat my dinner. I go home at 10 then I sleep. And when I wake up - I do it all over again.

Every day I tell a different story – the one he has written hoping that when he wakes up, he’ll remember.

He’ll know every word – every line and then he’ll learn the feeling – his feelings when he was writing all of these and I pray somehow my efforts will make up for everything that I did and eventually, he’ll forgive me and we’ll be together, again.

It has been a year since we broke up. And in those 12 months, I have been living a dull life. I was happy but that was a temporary freedom. And when I realized what was missing, maybe I was too late or maybe I wasn’t.

It happened 5 months ago, the time I realized I’ve committed a big mistake. I wanted to make amends, to relieve what was lost – to be able to call Baekhyun mine again.

Sehun informed me that Baekhyun had accepted a job offer in New York. Sehun refused to tell me at first but still, he did because he said the one guy who has ever made Baekhyun genuinely and truly happy was me. Sehun called me a fucker - an ass - a person who should rot in hell and I accepted all the harsh words because I deserve more.

When Baekhyun and I have broken up, I wasn’t devastated, I felt a strong urge of freedom - I was alive - I was Park Chanyeol - I’m free. Little did I know that Baekhyun wasn’t as happy as me.

Baekhyun fell into a depressing well. I was soaring with delight.

But then after a year I had realized something was missing. Baekhyun was missing.

I was on my way to his apartment before he fly out to New York – hoping, wishing praying that I can ask for forgiveness and he’ll take me back.

I was waiting for him at the lobby when I received a call.

“Chanyeol—” Sehun had said in his calmest voice and I sensed there was something going wrong. I didn’t want to hear what he has to say – I dreaded it because I already think I knew what the next words would be.

“Chanyeol, you need to be at the hospital. There was an accident ---”

Every day I tell a different story and I pray somehow my efforts will make up for everything that I did and eventually, maybe he’ll forgive me and we’ll be together, again.

But that is just a sad maybe.

Baekhyun hasn’t woken up since. I read to him every day all the stories he has written, the plots he came up and the ideas he want to put into words.

Whether it be complete, incomplete, drabble or even just a plot or an idea.

I have lived countless times in different worlds, in different times. I have lived in his stories. The stories he has written for me – for us.

These are the stories he has written – all the stories that I have been reciting and reading over and over again are the tales he imagined and put into words. There are many more. I remember the first time he had told me he wanted to write a story, I laughed back then but given him a thumbs up and promised I’ll read it. But I never did.

These are his masterpieces. Sehun had said Baekhyun writes because of several reasons – to ease the pain, to forget the past and hoping that one day – eventually, he’ll have his happy ending. He wanted a happy ending but I never had the chance to give him one. It’s my fault, for letting go, for leaving – for being me.
And it pains me too much that Baekhyun wrote all of these because he was dreaming that someday, he’ll get a happy ending. An ending he deserved for I haven’t given him the best happily ever after.

And now, all I want to do is to make everything right. I’ve been in the hospital for months, patiently waiting for him to wake up. It’s 3 in the morning where my phone suddenly rings, I woke up in the second ring. My initial reaction was something must have happened in the hospital and I’m praying to God - please, please, don’t let anything happen to Baekhyun.

“Mr. Park”

“Yes” I replied, my voice is unstable – shaky.

“Mr. Byun is awake.”

It’s almost four in the morning.

I’m hoping my bedroom slippers won’t fail me. I haven’t got the chance to hail a cab or drive my car, my will wanted to go by itself as it dragged me from my house. There’s still three blocks away from the hospital and I need to be there as soon as possible. Tears starting to fall from my eyes, happy tears.

Finally. Byun Baekhyun. Finally.

By the time I arrive at the hospital, it’s four thirty and the nurses welcome me with small smiles.

10 steps away from the room – my heart is beating wildly – loudly, I fear that the patients sleeping soundly would wake up because the sound is deafening.

3 steps – My mind isn’t processing anything, my body is shaking.

Finally.

When I enter the room, doctors and nurses are all over, I couldn’t get a decent view. Is he really awake? Is he okay, what does he feel? Did he rememb--

“Baekhyun?” I breathe slowly. The doctors and nurses notice me as they moved away, giving me space. And then I see him, I want to howl – I want to scream because finally, Byun Baekhyun, finally.

When our eyes meet, I know I’ve fallen into a much despairing well. I have expected so many scenarios, planted different endings just to evade a single – most real picture because I still hold on to that single string of hope that he’ll wake up remembering all the stories that I’ve been reading and maybe, just maybe ---- but then I close my eyes and waited for the dreadful response.

“Who are you?”

I walked towards him and he looked at me in the eyes, and I knew staring at those orbs, he has no idea who the hell am I. There wasn’t any trace of recognition or even a glimpse of the past.

The nurses who have been attending to him shot me pitiful glances. But they shouldn’t be sad for me because only if they know what I did in the past, they wouldn’t feel any remorse.

“I’m sorry if I can’t remember you” He said, “I couldn’t remember everybody. There was a problem here” He points to his brain and he laughs – his pretty laugh, the pretty Byun Baekhyun laugh. “I’m Byun Baekhyun” he says and he laughs again but not as sincere as I remember it to be, “I just wanted to say my name over and over again, sorry.”

As I make another step closer to him, I know what I have to do. This time I’ll make sure he’ll love me again and I will love him more than I loved him before. And I will love him for the rest of my life.

I’ll make sure to give him flowers – to shower him with affection, to make him feel he deserve a happy ending. I know the feeling of having lost the one you truly love and the feeling of wanting to kill yourself for being the reason why he suffered in pain.

I am not a perfect person. But I’m willing to change.

Baekhyun deserved his happy ending and I promise to give him one.

Let us erase all the worlds--- as if they never existed. I hope you'll write again - this time it'll be perfect. Because this time I'll make sure I'll exist to make you smile, to make you laugh, to make your world forever in rainbows and butterflies, I'll make sure this time, you'll feel my love – even if I start from scratch.

“It’s nice to meet you Byun Baekhyun. Let’s be friends. My name is Park Chanyeol.”

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