Actions

Work Header

something that i missed

Summary:

Buck frowns. “You don’t remember?”

“Just the accident, and the last - day or so? It’s pretty typical to lose some time around an injury like this, even if we’re not usually that lucky. Honestly, I don’t mind forgetting this one,” Eddie says, half-smiling.

But - Buck can barely process the way Eddie’s joking around, still stuck on the first part of his sentence. “The - um. The last day or so?” he presses, trying to seem more casual than he feels - trying to pretend icy dread isn’t settling into the pit of his stomach.

or - the one where buck and eddie get together the night before a shift - and the next day, an accident erases eddie's memory of the last 24 hours.

Notes:

title credit to snow patrol's "somewhere a clock is ticking"

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

It’s a routine shift, basically, before it happens. Well - it’s a routine shift in every way but one, but that part’s kind of a secret.

It’s a routine shift in the sense that the 118 is back together, and everyone’s in their proper places, and Buck’s feeling fantastic. It’s their third or fourth call of the day, a fire that’s mostly put out by the time they get there. The 118 was the last house on the scene, so he and Eddie are making quick work of clearing the building. Everyone’s been accounted for, as far as they know, but they’re doing one more sweep just in case.

There hasn’t been a lot of structural damage, but the building is still sooty and damp. They both know they need to be fairly quick and careful, but Buck can barely take his eyes off Eddie to check the floor. He’s still too excited to have him back, to have the chance to goof around a little on a low-stress call.

In fact, one of the times Buck turns to throw a joke over his shoulder at Eddie, he stumbles over some debris, and Eddie reaches out to catch his arm, keeping him upright and tugging him in close.

Buck grins at him, grateful and a little flustered, and Eddie rolls his eyes and pats him on the shoulder - but there’s a grin sneaking in around the corners of his eyes, too.

“Don’t get yourself put out of commission when I just got back, huh? We both know the kind of luck we have. Don’t push it.”

“I’m not pushing it,” Buck insists, looking down just for a second to check the floor, and himself. “I’m just - a little distracted, that’s all. I’m pretty sure that’s your fault.”

“My fault?” Eddie asks - but there’s something a little bit cocky about it, like he knows exactly why Buck’s distracted, and he just likes to hear it. Warmth settles in Buck’s chest, and he sets back off after Eddie with a grin, delighted even just to see DIAZ on the back of his coat.

He’s still - further back than he’d normally be when they both hear the cracking sound. Buck freezes, just for a second, unsure of where the danger is. He looks up just in time to see that Eddie’s taken his helmet off, just to wipe his forehead - and there’s debris falling right above him. He dives forward, reaching out, but Eddie’s just out of arm’s reach, and by the time Buck’s flailed outwards enough to reach him - the debris is falling down with them, and Buck feels some of it hit his back - just not all of it.

Buck pushes up onto his hands, grit beneath his palms, and Eddie - Eddie is lying there, breathing but not moving.

“Eddie?” Buck says - quieter than he should, but Eddie doesn’t stir. “Eddie! Eddie-“ Buck wants to shake him, but he knows better - so he shoves himself up to standing and radios for help.

Buck feels like all his veins are tied in knots - his heart is pounding but he’s still cold all over, like his blood just stopped moving. Adrenaline makes the next few minutes a complete blur - the paramedics from the 133 come in, and they get Eddie on a backboard, just in case, and Buck is stumbling out after them in a daze.

A hand lands on Buck’s shoulder - but thankfully it’s Bobby, standing steady beside him, concern in his eyes.

“Go ahead and go with him, Buck.”

Buck turns and makes a questioning noise, wiping the sweat from his forehead, still trying to orient himself. “But Cap-”

“We’ve got enough people here to handle what’s left. You go with Eddie. You make sure he’s alright, you keep the rest of us posted, okay? Don’t worry about us. Take care of him, take care of yourself.”

Nodding before he even makes the conscious decision to do it, Buck turns towards the ambulance. “Yeah - yeah, alright, I’ll just-”

“If they keep him, we’ll see you over there, Buck. Just go.”

Bobby squeezes his arm, and nudges him again, and Buck takes the momentum and uses it to hop into the back of the ambulance, watching as the paramedics from the 133 start their work.

Eddie’s pupils are equal and responsive, so even if he has a concussion, it’s probably not a brain bleed - he’s probably going to be fine. The thing is - Buck is huddled there in the ambulance, and he looks at Eddie’s hand dangling over the edge of the gurney and he wants to take it, but - he doesn’t know if he should.

Because that’s the one way this shift isn’t routine.

Around 2 in the morning last night, he and Eddie had been on the couch, half-asleep already and moving slow after a movie night that ran long. In the quiet, lit only by the still-flickering television, Eddie had turned and said, “I’m gonna try something. Maybe don’t hit me?”

And Buck, before he could even crack a stupid joke about how he wasn’t usually the one doing the hitting, had only said “Why would I-” before Eddie’s mouth was pressed against his, cutting him off.

The thrill had run all the way through Buck, from the tips of his toes all the way to the back of his neck. They’d traded slow, lingering kisses for just a few minutes - but they were both still more asleep than awake, so Buck had pulled back to hide a yawn in Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie had laughed around a yawn of his own.

Once they’d separated, Eddie had pushed his fingers into Buck’s hair, tilted his head back to meet his gaze and asked, “Good?” with a little nervous flicker in his eyes.

Buck had nodded at him, easy and eager, and like that settled it, Eddie had tugged him by his wrist into the bedroom. They fell into bed, half tangled together, and they’d been asleep almost the moment their heads hit the pillows.

When morning came and the damp, lingering press of Eddie’s mouth on his was just a memory -  Eddie’s lips had still been pressed against his shoulder, and Buck could feel them through the thin fabric of his borrowed, worn-out sleep shirt.

Eddie had come to just a few moments later and patted blindly at Buck’s face, thumb brushing gently down the bridge of his nose. Then he’d said, “We’ll talk after work. I didn’t really - plan for that to happen last night. Bad timing, middle of the night before a shift.”

A little unsteady, but willing to follow Eddie’s lead, Buck had said, “Well, better than the middle of a shift, right?”

With a quiet scoff, Eddie just knocked his knuckles gently against the side of Buck’s head, and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth like it was something he did every day.

But that had been all of it. There were no guarantees, nothing made absolutely totally clear, so Buck didn’t say anything to anyone before his shift started, and now - now they’re in the back of an ambulance, and nobody else knows what happened. So Buck isn’t sure if he’s allowed to take Eddie’s hand and press it against his forehead - kiss his palm, tangle their fingers together, press his thumb against Eddie’s wrist to feel his pulse.

At the hospital, Buck is briefly separated from Eddie to help with his intake paperwork - but by the time he gets into Eddie’s room, Eddie is already awake and blinking, looking grumpy, but fine.

Relief finally loosens the knots tied up in Buck’s chest, and he practically falls into the chair by Eddie’s bed.

“Hey,” he says, for lack of anything better.

Eddie laughs at him, eyes crinkling up at the corners, and shakes his head. “Hey, Buck.”

“You, uh- you scared the shit out of me, man.”

Wincing a little, Eddie tilts his head and rolls his shoulder, clearly feeling out his injuries, where he’s sore and where he’s not. “Yeah, sorry. Doc says I took a pretty bad hit. Debris or - something?”

Buck frowns. “You don’t remember?”

“Just the accident, and the last - day or so? It’s pretty typical to lose some time around an injury like this, even if we’re not usually that lucky. Honestly, I don’t mind forgetting this one,” Eddie says, half-smiling.

But - Buck can barely process the way Eddie’s joking around, still stuck on the first part of his sentence. “The - um. The last day or so?” he presses, trying to seem more casual than he feels - trying to pretend icy dread isn’t settling into the pit of his stomach.

“Mm, kind of blanks out after the movie last night. But - I mean, it’s what, 16 hours or so, right? Missing one morning isn’t the end of the world. Feel like you and Chris can probably fill me in.”

Eddie’s still smiling a little, his head tilted to one side, totally unaware and - It seems dramatic for Buck to feel like he’s going to be sick - but his stomach drops, and his heart is pounding, and he doesn’t know how to hide any of it. “Right, yeah, I - um. I’ve - I’m gonna step out for a second, let everyone know you’re okay.”

Buck can hear Eddie calling after him, but it sounds distant under the ringing in his ears. It’s pretty easily ignored as he rushes into the nearest bathroom, locks himself into a stall, and presses his face against the cold plastic of the door.

He takes a few moments just to catch his breath before he can fully take stock of things.

Most importantly - Eddie doesn’t remember. And no one else knows. Meaning the only person now who knows Eddie kissed him last night is - Buck. So if he wants to find out what Eddie was going to say after work, he’d have to be the one to tell Eddie what happened, and bring it all up again.

At first the way forward seems obvious. Eddie was happy enough last night, right? Neither of them were drunk. So now, Buck just reminds him of what he’s missing, and they can both be a little sad that Eddie’s forgotten about it, but they make a new memory. They have a second first kiss, and they make the best of it, like everything else.

Except - Eddie did say this morning he didn’t mean for it to happen like that, last night. And if he’d really been planning on it, wouldn’t he remember that? Remember thinking about it during the day leading up to it? And if all this happened in the first place because Buck was distracted, and - if Buck is the only person who could possibly remember it, maybe that’s a sign from the universe. Maybe this is his chance to put things right before last night fucked things up beyond repair. Right now, Eddie got hurt again on his watch - Buck will be lucky, as always, to keep his friendship. To keep Eddie and Christopher in his life, just because he keeps failing but keeps trying, just like Eddie said.

So Buck won’t tell him. The memories - the fizzy happiness he’d felt this morning, all the possibilities he’d thought about for after their shift, those will be his burden to bear, and Eddie won’t have to worry about - apologizing or explaining what came over him, and Buck won’t have to hear it. It’s better this way. Really. It’s better that Eddie doesn’t remember.

He shoots a quick text to everyone in the 118 group chat, lets them all know that Eddie’s awake and talking, and takes a few deep breaths to steady himself before he heads back into Eddie’s room.

“Buck - are you okay?” Eddie asks, still sitting up on the bed, frowning at Buck as soon as he’s in the doorway.

It pulls him up short a little, but Buck pastes on a grin, and laughs. “Yeah, I mean - I’m not the one that took a chunk of drywall to the head, Eds. I’m just-“ Buck swallows around the lump in his throat. “It’s only your first week back at the 118, and you got hurt again. Not exactly feeling like I had your back.”

Shaking his head, Eddie clicks his tongue and reaches out his head, waving Buck over to his bed. “Hey, come here.”

Carefully, Buck edges towards the bed, but he stays standing at the foot of it, his hands gripping the railing, just out of Eddie’s reach.

Eddie blinks at him, expectant, but when Buck doesn’t come any closer, he drops his hand and sighs. “Okay. Seriously? I know it’s a Grade 3 concussion, but there’s no permanent damage. I didn’t break a bone, I barely lost any blood - you and I both know we’ve both had a hell of a lot worse.” When Buck stays quiet, Eddie sighs again and one corner of his mouth quirks up.”Also - last time I checked, you weren’t the idiot who took off his helmet in an active scene. So unless you physically took it off me-”

Shocked into a laugh, Buck loosen his grip on the bed, and shakes out his hands. “No - uh, when you put it like that.”

“You can’t protect me from everything, Evan,” Eddie tells him, voice all warmth and fondness - and Buck has to sit down on the edge of the bed before his knees try to give out.

Warmth floods his face, and he looks down at the floor. “I know that, I just-“

“You just want to. Listen, I know the feeling. One of these days you’re probably gonna get hurt again, and we’ll both see how badly I handle that. But for the moment, let’s just be grateful we’re both going home today, yeah?” He scoots over enough to bump his knee against Buck’s thigh, and Buck can barely resist the urge to turn and lean into him, to pull him close and never let go.

He manages, though, stays upright and just nods, a thousand words stuck in his throat. “Yeah, okay.”

Eddie pats him on the leg, high up on his thigh, and then just - leaves his hand there. “I think they’re gonna let me out of here pretty soon. They debated on keeping me overnight for observation, but I told them I’ve got you. I think we can handle it, right?”

And - that should be fine. They’ve spent a thousand nights in Eddie’s house or the loft by now, they must have, between quarantine and injuries and sleepovers but - after last night, panic rises up into Buck’s chest, and because he’s an idiot, he says “Well - actually I was - I was gonna head home tonight I have-“ But he doesn’t have anything, because they weren’t supposed to get off shift til tomorrow morning, so he stops himself there, unable to even come up with a convincing lie.

When he forces himself to look up, Eddie’s just staring at him, obviously confused but - something else, too, his brow furrowed. “Oh,” he says finally, pulling his hand back to his own lap. “I - guess I should have asked first. I’ll call Carla, or - see if Pepa can stay with us once she’s off work.”

“No, I-“ Buck feels the sting of tears in his eyes, guilt choking him, because of course he should be the one to stay with Eddie, it’s his job and Eddie got hurt on his watch-

“No, hey, you don’t have to. I’m sorry I made it seem like- you don’t owe it to me, Buck, okay? I just thought you might want to-“

“I do want to,” Buck says, his voice small and absolutely pathetic. “I’ll - it was stupid, I’ll go home after-“

“No, you go ahead, you can just drop me off and head back to yours,” Eddie insists, straightening up his posture and tilting his head back and forth, looking directly at the wall, and not at Buck. “As long as we’re still on for tomorrow?”

Buck feels blindsided. He blinks at the floor, then over at Eddie. “What’s tomorrow?”

Eddie glances at him, frowning, then glances away. “The uh - we were gonna go grab breakfast after shift? Go to that place you like, then I thought - we’d come back to mine, take a nap and maybe take Christopher somewhere fun once he got home. It wasn’t - we just talked about it the other day. Wasn’t set in stone.”

Now, Buck remembers. Eddie seems oddly nervous bringing it up - and he’d seemed that way the first time, too, getting dressed for his first shift, he’d made the suggestion to Buck while they were still in the locker room, but he’d been looking into the locker the whole time.

“Yeah, sure, I can - I’ll drop by in the morning, once we’re both up.”

“Not that I’ll be getting a lot of sleep, but sure. That works.” Eddie’s smiling again, now - but it’s a ghost of one, that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You sure you’re good, Buck?”

“Of course, yeah. I’m fine.” He tries smiling back, but he’s not quite sure it works.

Eddie opens his mouth like he wants to press further, but they’re interrupted as Hen and Chim make their way into the room.

“Barely a week on the job and you’re in here already? You’re gonna give Buck a run for his money,” Chimney says with a grin, and Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, alright-“

“You took off your helmet, you gotta know we’re both gonna give you hell about that for at least a month,” Hen tells him, coming around to the side of the bed.

“I had it off for one second-“

Buck watches with relief as Hen pokes at Eddie’s arm and he swats her away laughing - Chim comes up behind Buck and wraps an arm around his shoulders for a second - hugging him tight. Buck turns, and Chim pats him on the shoulder with a sympathetic little half-smile before he turns his attention back to Eddie. It helps, more than he would have thought. Everyone joking around, relieved - it’s a sign that no matter what, things are gonna be okay. They’re all gonna be okay.

“No, I’ve still gotta find somebody to keep me company tonight - you guys are still on shift, and Buck says he’s too busy.” Buck tunes back in at the sound of his name - and Eddie’s joking about it, now, but there’s still a tightness around his mouth that says he’s not sure it’s funny.

“Busy with what?” Hen asks, cutting right to the point. “I thought you and Taylor broke up.”

“We did?”

“Then what are you so busy with?” she asks, bumping her shoulder against Buck’s - and it’s half a joke, because she’s smiling at him, eyes sparkling, but her brow is furrowed, too.

“Just - I stayed at Eddie’s last night, so I had been planning to head back to mine after our shift was over anyways, I didn’t realize-“

“I sprung it on him,” Eddie interrupts, leveling Buck with his gaze again. “I just assumed he could come back to mine, but he hadn’t been planning to. It’s not the end of the world, I’m sure Carla or Pepa can help out.”

Hen and Chim both look at Buck like he’s grown a second head, and when he doesn’t say anything else, they both just keep looking until the silence gets awkward.

“Okaaaay, well - technically we are still on shift, so we should get out of your hair, shouldn’t we, Hen?” Chim pats Buck hard on the back and then puts a hand on Hen’s elbow and starts to steer her out of the room.

“Yeah, let’s - we’ll see you next shift, Buck and - Eddie, I hope you get cleared quick enough we don’t have to miss you for long.”

“Not gonna get rid of me that easy,” he calls after them - and Buck can hear her laughter echo back down the hallway.

Then it’s just the two of them again - just him and Eddie, settled on a hospital bed.

For a second, Buck thinks Eddie might bring the conversation back around, press on the questions he was asking before Hen and Chim came in, but instead he just stretches out his neck and knocks his knee against Buck’s. “Can you go and check on the discharge paperwork for me? I’ve gotta call Carla and have her get in touch with Christopher since I can’t really text, let him know what’s going on.”

“No, yeah, of course,” Buck nods, hopping up off the bed. “And if you need help with anything-“

Eddie shakes his head, just the once. “I got it, Buck.”

And - Buck knows he’s the one who made everything uncomfortable, broke the expectation that he’s always available to help Eddie with whatever, but it still stings to see the way Eddie adjusts so easily.

So he does what he can. He goes to talk to the nurses, awkwardly dodges the familiar assumption that he and Eddie are - married, dating, whichever it is this time. Now, of course, he still has a very vivid memory of what it felt like to wake up in Eddie’s bed this morning, wrapped up in his arms - to feel Eddie’s lips pressed against the corner of his mouth, so the denial tastes a little more sour, but he swallows it down and laughs it off like always.

The nurse gives him the instructions, and he takes them back to Eddie, and together they slowly make their way out of the hospital.

“Carla says it won’t be a problem, by the way. She can extend her shift a little - come help me out, pick up Christopher, stay the night to keep an eye on things.”

“Great,” Buck says - but both of them are a little stilted, treading on unfamiliar ground.

Except then they get out to the parking lot and realize simultaneously that they have no car.

“I - came in the ambulance,” Buck says lamely, and Eddie bursts out laughing, hard enough he winces a little bit.

“Of course you did. Just - call an Uber, we’ll go back to the station.”

So they do, and things are almost back to normal.  Buck has an almost physical itch in his palms to reach out, touch, fix, do whatever he can for Eddie - but that feeling has been living just under his breastbone for the last four years now. It’s basically an old friend. The having and losing makes it a little bit harder - but he hadn’t quite made it to believing he could have, so it’s easy enough to go back.

At least, that’s what he tells himself in the Uber, and in the Jeep on the way to Eddie’s house.

Then Eddie has to get out, and he waves off Buck’s offer to help him down, and then Buck’s just sitting there in the driver’s seat, while Eddie leans in through the passenger side window.

“So - just let me know in the morning when you wanna head over here. Pretty much any time after Carla and I drop Christopher off at school should be fine.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Eddie nods, and taps his hand on the door in parting as he walks away, but Buck can’t seem to let him go just yet.

“Could I - call you tonight? Just to check in?”

Turning back around, Eddie gives Buck a confused little frown - but his eyes are crinkled up in the way that says it’s good confused, this time. “Of course. Not like I’ll have anything better to do.”

“Okay. Yeah. Talk to you later, then.”

“See you.” Eddie gives him a little mock salute and turns on his heel to head to the door.

Buck watches him go, watches until Eddie gets the door open, shoots Buck another smile from there, and heads inside. He waits another minute or two after the door closes, thinks about following Eddie in, telling him to cancel on Carla and that he made a mistake - but he knows he has to go home. It’ll be easier that way, just for tonight. He sighs, turns the Jeep back on, and heads for the loft.

He’s been trying to make his place feel more like home since Taylor left - and in certain ways it does, since he can keep things for Christopher in the living room again, and silly drawings and old postcards on the fridge - but he still doesn’t spend much time there, so it doesn’t exactly seem lived-in. He’s been helping with Jee, and spending time at Eddie’s, and working as many shifts as he can now that Eddie’s back, so he probably spends more days out of his apartment than in. His mostly empty fridge reflects that.

He puts on some music to fill the quiet, and orders some takeout just so he doesn’t have to go out again for groceries. He cleans up and showers, just to give himself something to do, but once he’s eaten, he just ends up laying on the couch with his head dangling off the end, trying and failing to read. Really, he’s just looking at the same page for twenty minutes without processing a single word.

Christopher’s definitely home by now, telling Eddie about his day. He wonders if Eddie will try to make dinner, even with a concussion, or if Carla will shoo him out of the kitchen while Christopher laughs.

Buck wants to be there. He knows he should be there, should have just done a better job of shoving down all his disappointment. Then he could be there to help Eddie, and he wouldn’t be here in his big, stupid, empty apartment, just - fantasizing about having dinner with his best friend.

He pulls out his phone and stares at it - the lockscreen is, of course, a picture of Eddie and Christopher at the zoo, pulling faces in front of the monkeys. Buck takes a moment to be a little embarrassed, and then swipes to his home screen.

It’s too soon to call Eddie - stupidly, he wants to call Maddie, but he’s pretty sure she had a shift today, and he’s not sure when she gets off. Plus - he could tell her about the concussion, but then she’ll ask why he’s not with Eddie, and he’ll probably end up babbling everything out like Maddie can do something to fix it. He’s always been terrible at lying to her, so he tries to just avoid it completely.

He tucks his phone away again and rolls onto his side, facing the television, determined to pass the time for at least a few hours before he calls Eddie.

He makes it about an hour. Okay - almost an hour. 45 minutes.

“Buck, hey,” Eddie says on the other end of the phone.

“Hey. Uh - I didn’t interrupt dinner, did I?”

“No, we got done - well a few minutes ago, Chris and I were cleaning up.”

Buck bites down on a grin. “Carla had to chase you out of the kitchen, didn’t she?”

“Okay, she didn’t chase me-“

“Don’t you lie to him! I practically had to beat you out of there with a broom. I almost called in reinforcements, Buckaroo,” Carla calls out in the distance, and Buck laughs.

“Alright, that’s - enough from both of you, thank you,” Eddie grumbles.

“I can’t believe you tried to make dinner with a concussion.”

“Like you wouldn’t have done the exact same thing. If it had been you instead of me, I would have had to chase you out. In fact, I bet you would have tried to chop the vegetables or make the salad or something.”

“Well maybe I’m an expert in making salad while concussed,” Buck answers, teasing back. For a minute, though, he thinks about it - how much nicer it would have been if he had taken the hit instead of Eddie, and Eddie had dragged him to the house, not taking no for an answer. If he had made Buck dinner and kept an eye on him all night. If last night was a mistake, then Eddie could have let him forget - but that line of thought stops there. Eddie’s always been better than he is - has always been the first to offer forgiveness, has given Buck things he barely knows how to accept. He probably would have told Buck what happened, even if it was just to tell him it was a bad idea after all.

Buck sighs into the phone, and Eddie makes a sympathetic noise on the other end. There’s some shuffling, and the sound of a closing door, and then Eddie speaks.

“Okay. Look - I didn’t want to push at the hospital but - you don’t seem okay. Is it really just that you couldn’t get to me in time, or is there something else I’m missing?”

“Huh?” Buck asks, his voice breaking around the word.

“If - something happened, and you’re the reason I took off my helmet, or if something else happened and I forgot about it - Buck, you can tell me. Especially if it’s just - even if it isn’t my own fault I got hurt, I don’t care. We both thought the scene was clear, right?”

“Right,” Buck agrees. “But it’s not - it’s not that, Eddie.”

“Are you sure?” Eddie asks quietly. “If there’s something important I’m missing here - it just feels like you’re upset for a reason. You were fine last night.”

“Well last night you didn’t have a concussion from falling debris, Eddie,” Buck snaps - but he immediately regrets it, leaning forward to rest his head in his free hand with a sigh. “Sorry, I just - I know, I’m being weird-“

“Even for when I get hurt you’re being weird. I know in the past we haven’t talked about things enough - but you know I’ve been working on that. I know when - the shooting happened, you felt like it happened to me and not you, is it something like that?”

Actually , Buck can’t help thinking to himself, this time something happened to me and not you, because you don’t even remember it . Instead of saying that, though, he swallows and fixes his eyes on the wall. “No, it’s nothing like that.” Then Eddie’s words come back to him - about missing something important. It aligns in Buck’s head, and he squeezes his eyes shut, grateful Eddie can’t see his face. “It’s nothing important, Eds.”

“Why do I feel like you’re putting a little too much emphasis on the word important?”

Buck scoffs. “Just - let it go, Eddie? Please?”

There’s a long pause, and Buck isn’t sure if Eddie’s thinking or trying to wait him out.

Then, finally, Eddie says, “Alright. If you change your mind, we can talk about it tomorrow. Get some rest, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah, alright. See you tomorrow.”

Eddie hangs up - and Buck is alone again, because he’s an idiot.

He falls to his side on the couch to shove his face into the pillows and groan as loudly as possible without freaking out his neighbors.

Just as he’s debating taking a book up to his bed and just giving up on the day in spite of how early it is - his phone rings again. For a second he thinks it’s Eddie, changing his mind - but it’s Maddie.

Buck frowns at his phone, but the screen doesn’t change. If he doesn’t answer, he knows Maddie will worry - she probably heard what happened from Chim, and wants to check in on him.

He takes a deep breath and answers the phone. “Hi, Mads.”

“Why is Chim the one telling me Eddie got hit by falling debris today? Are you okay?”

“Okay, again, I’m not the one who got hit by falling debris-“

“Evan.”

Buck groans out loud and rolls onto his back. “I - panicked, but it’s fine. Eddie’s gonna be fine, I just talked to him.”

“Who’s staying with him?”

“Carla.”

“...Okay,” Maddie says carefully.

“Mads, please don’t ask me why I’m not there.”

“And why am I not allowed to ask?”

“Because I’ll probably tell you, and I don’t want to.”

Maddie hums, considering. When she speaks again, her voice is gentle. “Can I ask why you don’t want to tell me?”

Buck’s eyes start to burn, and he rubs at them with the heel of his hand. “Because - I’m starting to think I made a big fucking mistake, but I’m too embarrassed to admit it, yet.”

“With Eddie?”

“Sort of,” Buck confesses, almost whispering into the phone. “It’s more - I don’t know. I need to tell him something but I don’t want to. I’m gonna see him in the morning, and - I'm just gonna hope I’ll be able to say it by then.”

There’s a long moment of quiet, but it’s nice just to hear Maddie breathing on the other end - actually, if he listens closely, he can even hear Jee babbling in the background, and he can close his eyes, and pretend for a moment he’s at Maddie’s place instead of his own.

“Do you remember what you said to me on your balcony? About how love is about trying again?”

Buck’s heart rises up into his throat. “Yeah?”

“Okay,” Maddie says. “Just - don’t forget that. I think you’re really onto something.”

“Okay,” he repeats quietly.

“I love you, Evan. No matter what. Call me tomorrow if you need to, okay?”

“I will,” he tells her. “Love you, too.”

For a moment, they both stay on the phone - but Maddie seems able to sense he won’t say any more, and she says goodbye again before hanging up.

With that conversation out of the way - very abruptly, Buck is exhausted.

It kind of tracks. He was up early, had to deal with Eddie getting hurt - basically had a panic attack at the hospital. He’s gone through a couple of adrenaline rushes today, and his body could probably use the rest. He pulls himself up off the couch, brings a book upstairs, and gets ready for bed as quickly as he can. He turns out the lights and settles in - and ignores the fact that it’s not even totally dark yet outside.

The sooner he can get to sleep, the sooner he can stop having to think.

He does, eventually, fall asleep in the middle of reading, and he wakes up right around sunrise with his face literally pressed into his book. He peels himself off, and groans, and stumbles down to the kitchen to make coffee.

He’s still too early to go straight to Eddie’s place - but if he has coffee, and takes a shower, and maybe - goes for a run, or something, he should be able to head over.

In the end, he drinks his coffee and then spends half an hour standing in the shower staring at nothing, caught between what Maddie said to him on the phone and what exactly he should try to say to Eddie today when they talk.

He doesn’t go for a run, but he tries to do some yoga, only to find that he’s too anxious, too restless, and he has to just - jog up and down his stairs a few times, trying to find anything that will keep him from spiraling.

Usually, they drop Christopher off at school around 8:30. Buck calls Eddie at 8:40.

“Hey - you home?” he asks, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet.

“Uh - we dropped Christopher off, yeah. We’re about ten minutes from the house, still, and then Carla’s gonna head out.” Something about Eddie’s voice sounds - off.

“Are you feeling okay?” Buck asks, before he can stop himself.

“Aside from the concussion?” Eddie asks.

“Well. Yeah.”

“Not exactly. How about you meet me there at 9:30? I’ll see you then.”

Buck opens his mouth to answer - but Eddie’s already hung up.

He runs downstairs instead of taking the elevator, and then drives over to Eddie’s. Thankfully, traffic keeps him from being horrifically early. Still - it’s 9:22 when he gets there. He sits in the Jeep, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel - trying to organize his thoughts, and failing, because he can’t stop thinking about how Eddie sounded on the phone. Does he remember now? Could he be upset about something else?

At 9:26, Buck gives up and gets out of the car - and Eddie opens the front door as soon as he does.

For a moment, Buck just stands there in Eddie’s yard.

Eddie’s not smiling, and he’s not dressed to go out, either. He’s just standing there in the doorway, still in his pajamas, one hand on the door and the other arm crossed over his chest.

Buck’s stomach drops. Something is definitely wrong - he briefly considers just getting back into his Jeep, turning around and driving away - but then he’ll just be back in his loft, alone, practically climbing up the walls to avoid thinking about Eddie. It wouldn’t be any better. He takes a deep breath and hops up the steps to the door - Eddie steps back to let him in without a word.

“Hey, Eds - what’s up?”

Instead of answering right away, Eddie goes to sit on the couch. He fixes his eyes on Buck. “I was sort of hoping you’d tell me.”

“Well, I know you said we’d talk about why I was upset but I sort of thought - we could talk over breakfast-“

“Why don’t I start, then?” Eddie asks - and there’s an edge to his voice that freezes Buck in his tracks. Normally he’d join Eddie on the couch - but instead he stays where he is, standing at the end of the couch, gripping the armrest.

“Okay,” Buck agrees, hesitantly.

Eddie opens his mouth and then closes it again. He tries again - and then he laughs, just one sharp sound. “You know, I was kind of hoping you’d - alright.” He rubs his hands against his thighs. “So I went to bed last night, and I realized something seemed - different.” He looks over at Buck, eyebrows raised, but Buck’s stomach is squirming with nerves, and he can’t make himself answer. “Then I found your stuff, that you left here - which, fine, that happens all the time. You were coming back today… But then, this morning, I talked to Chris. And he said - he asked me if everything was okay, because we seemed really happy, that morning, but then you weren’t there after I got hurt. And I told him you were coming back today - but I started wondering.” Eddie looks over again, and when Buck still doesn’t say anything, he sighs and pushes a hand through his own hair, tugging at it. “Are you really gonna make me say it? Do you wanna - tell me I’m wrong? Can you tell me something?”

“I was - gonna tell you today?”

“Tell me what, Buck?”

“That you-“ Bucks stomach flips, and he grabs the couch so hard his knuckles go white. “That you kissed me. The night before it happened.”

“Mm,” Eddie says nodding as he turns to face the wall. “You remember what you said to me on the phone, when I practically begged you to tell me what was wrong?” Eddie pauses, and when Buck doesn’t say anything, he sighs again. “You said I didn’t miss anything important.”

“I didn’t - I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant-“

“Don’t - finish that. Just - why didn’t you just tell me?”

“You said we were gonna talk about it after work!” Buck cries out, gesturing with his hands. “You said - you didn’t mean to do it like that and we should talk about it and you - then you forgot, so I thought I would just save you the trouble-“

“The trouble of what?” Eddie asks, turning to frown at him.

“Of telling me it was a mistake.”

Eddie blinks at him a few times, and when his face twists up, he turns away again, avoiding Buck’s eyes. “Right. Because that’s - is that what you were gonna say today? That it was fine I didn’t remember because I just - made a mistake?”

“I don’t know,” Buck says, leaning forward on the arm of the couch again. “I don’t know what I - I should have told you-“

“Yeah, you should have,” Eddie agrees, finally standing up. “I think you should go, Buck.”

“Huh?”

Eddie scrubs his hands over his face, and then winces, clearly still in pain. “I don’t think you’re interested in - what today was gonna be, so I think maybe it’s best if you just go home. If you wanna - take Christopher to the zoo later, or - maybe the science museum, you can-“

“Eddie, what do you mean?”

He watches as Eddie’s hands clench into fists - and he notices then, too, that Eddie’s trembling all over, jittering like a live wire, and Buck’s equally as afraid to reach out and touch him.

“I told you I didn’t mean to do it like that because I was gonna tell you today. It was - the stupid breakfast place and the - it was supposed to be a date. But I knew it wouldn’t - I just kept thinking we do that all the time, right? So how’s he gonna know? And I didn’t want to make a public scene so I thought - maybe I should try it, before we go, just kiss him and see what happens, see if he-“ Eddie stops, and takes a few steps away from Buck. “I guess I got my answer, right? But next time - maybe don’t try to let a traumatic head injury do the hard work for you, huh?”

“I-“ Buck stutters, stumbling to sit down on the couch, feeling a little light-headed. “A date?”

“I should have known it was - you’re right, I shouldn’t have done it like that, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have - ambushed you, when you couldn’t say no. I guess I just thought we were on the same page.”

“Eddie, I didn’t-“

“It’s fine, Buck, I think you’ve made it pretty clear. You can just stop there, okay?” Eddie turns, scrubbing at his face, obviously frustrated, and he seems surprised to see Buck on the couch instead of by the door. “Buck-“

“Sorry,” Buck says, pushing himself up to standing and trying not to stumble over his own feet, feeling too-big and clumsy, all of a sudden. “Sorry, I’ll - you want me to go-“

“Not if-“ Eddie steps towards Buck, and stops, and Buck stops, too.

“If?” Buck asks.

“Am I wrong?”

“About what?”

“You - you said that I kissed you. And I made a mistake. But you - slept in my bed after, right? The - your stuff wasn’t out here, so. I’m making an assumption-”

“No, I-“ Buck shakes his head. “You’re right. I didn’t sleep on the couch.”

“So why did you-“ Eddie huffs out through his nose. “Help me understand here, Buck. I want to. Did I just - make you think you had to? Did we talk about it?”

Buck shakes his head, and steps forward, but Eddie steps back. “We didn’t talk much but - it wasn’t like that, Eddie. You didn’t make me uncomfortable-“

“Well I guess - at least there’s that.”

“You-“ Buck starts, and then stops himself, trying to blink back the tears that are still threatening to fall. “I - uh. I know I fucked this up. And I’m sorry.”

Eddie shakes his head, and sits down on the other end of the couch with a sigh. “No, I - we wouldn’t have had to do this twice if I hadn’t - taken off my goddamn helmet. I would have known where the line was and I wouldn’t have crossed it again or - meant to, whatever you wanna call this.”

Buck, suddenly, is vividly reminded of waking up with Eddie’s arms tucked around his waist - that little kiss at the corner of his mouth, like it could happen every morning if Buck would only let it. Abruptly, the tears start to fall, and he tries to inhale, but it turns into a sob.

“Buck-'' Eddie says softly, clearly surprised - but he doesn’t reach out to touch, and Buck sits heavily down on the couch and curls in on himself.

“It - I said it wrong, you didn’t - Sorry-“

“Buck, hey, hey, slow down-“

He finally reaches out a hand to press against the center of Buck’s back, and just that one anchoring point, the warmth of Eddie’s palm, eases some of the tension in his chest - makes it easier to breathe. He takes a few deep breaths, and hears Eddie slow the pace of his breathing, too, loud exaggerated inhales and exhales.

“God, I messed this up so bad,” Buck mumbles into his hands.

“Hey - we’re both still here. Just - try again. I’m listening.”

He rubs at his face, trying to wipe away most of the tears, and then sits up a little, turning to look at Eddie. “Okay so- so last night, we were sitting on the couch after the movie, and you - um. You said you wanted to try something, and you - asked me not to hit you, and then you kissed me.” Buck huffs out a laugh, remembering. “We were both - pretty out of it. Just - tired, I mean, so it wasn’t long before we went to bed - just to sleep. When you woke up in the morning you - you said what I told you, that you hadn’t meant to do it like that, and we’d talk after our shift. But then you - kissed me, a little off-center, before we got out of bed.” Buck stretches out his hands, and looks down at his palms. “We made breakfast, and took Christopher to school, and drove to work like always and I - I didn’t tell anybody, and I don’t think you did either so - when you hit your head, I just - I was the only person who knew what had happened.”

“And you - felt like it was a mistake?” Eddie asks, his hand shifting over Buck’s back, moving away again.

“Not this morning,” Buck says quietly. “Not - like that.”

Eddie clenches his hand into a fist, grabbing at the fabric of Buck’s hoodie. “You decided it was a mistake after I got hurt.”

Buck turns to face Eddie, rubbing at his face again. “It wouldn’t have happened! The accident - I was distracted, and I let you get hurt. And you didn’t remember, and nobody else knew, so I just had to - if I kept it to myself, maybe it never happened. Maybe you wouldn’t do it over again.”

“First of all, me getting hurt is still not your fault,” Eddie says, pressing his knuckles against Buck’s spine. “But second of all-” He sighs, and pulls his hands back into his lap, shaking his head. “I really wish you hadn’t tried to use a concussion to break up with me.”

“I mean we weren’t- We weren’t really together,” Buck insists, and Eddie drops his head forward, but then winces with it.

“Fuck,” he says out loud, and Buck reaches for him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey - can I get you - painkillers? Or an icepack?”

“Could you get me a time machine instead, so I could either - go to the hospital and whack you on the nose with a newspaper, or go back to that morning in bed and tell you that what I meant to say was I love you?”

“You-” Buck stammers.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, pressing his hands over his eyes, and his fingers against his forehead.

“Oh, fuck,” Buck says.

“Yeah.”

Buck gets up, immediately, and rushes into the kitchen so fast that he nearly slips in his socks. He grabs a bag of frozen - something out of the fridge, wraps it in a towel, and brings it back to the couch with him, placing it gently on the back of Eddie’s neck. “Here,” he says, rubbing his other free hand against Eddie’s shoulder.

Eddie squints one eye at Buck, but places one of his hands over Buck’s, on top of the ice pack. “I tell you I love you and you get me an ice pack?”

“Well,” Buck says, tangling his fingers with Eddie’s. “I apologized a lot already, for - fucking everything up. Thought maybe it’d be better if I helped.”

“You help,” Eddie says quietly.

“I wasn’t very helpful for the last day or so.”

Half-smiling, Eddie shrugs one of his shoulders, and lets his eyes fall closed again. “You’re here now. You’re not running away.”

“Yeah - that’s cause - I love you, too. And I’m an idiot.”

Giggling a little, Eddie leans more of his weight against Buck, and Buck wraps an arm around his shoulders to hold him close. “I knew the second part,” Eddie mumbles.

“Yeah, alright,” Buck teases, smiling down at him. “Who didn’t wear a helmet in a burned building?”

“Yeah, I’m never living that one down, am I?”

“Nope.”

“Guess we can both be idiots.”

Carefully, like the whole building might fall down around him, Buck leans down and presses a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head. Eddie just hums in response.

“Maybe we can go on the date when you’re not supposed to be resting with a Grade 3 Concussion,” Buck tells him.

“Yeah,” Eddie answers. “Might be better if we just - lay down and you - read me a book or something. No screens.”

“I can do that,” Buck tells him, brushing his nose against Eddie’s hair. “We’ll take it easy for a few days.”

“That sounds a lot less terrible with you here.”

Buck kisses the top of Eddie’s head again, gently. “I’m sorry I wasn’t already.”

“Eh. You got here.”

They sit there, quietly, Buck with his arms wrapped tight around Eddie’s chest, and Eddie with his head tucked against Buck’s shoulder, still holding the ice pack at the base of his skull. Then, Buck smiles, thinking about what Maddie told him the day before. “I love you enough to never stop trying,” he says quietly, breathing the words into Eddie’s hair.

“Let’s just hope I get to remember that this time,” Eddie mumbles back - and Buck laughs, and Eddie smiles, pressing it against Buck’s skin.

“Come on - let’s go to bed, and I’ll make sure you wear your helmet for the next week or so.”

Eddie pokes Buck hard enough in a rib that it makes him wince and laugh, but as they stand up, Buck dancing away, Eddie reaches out and grabs his hand. He tangles their fingers, and hovers close all the way down the hall. He climbs carefully into the bed, now, cautious of his injuries, but he still wraps an arm around Buck’s waist and curls up close, like he can’t stand to leave space between them.

“I’ll wake you up in an hour or two, just to check up,” Buck reminds him.

“Yeah, ‘kay,” Eddie agrees in a sleepy mumble. He tugs at the fabric of Buck’s sleep shirt, and tilts his chin up, obviously angling for a kiss - and how is Buck supposed to say no? He presses his smile against Eddie’s lips, and Eddie laughs into his mouth, and this kiss, somehow, is sloppier than every sleepy kiss they shared the night before last, but it’s so, so much better.

Buck feels settled, now, and certain. He kisses Eddie again, and again, then his nose, and his eyelid, and the mole just beneath his eye, too, while he’s at it.

“Go to sleep,” he whispers, teasing.

“Love you,” Eddie mumbles again, pressing the words into Buck’s jaw.

“Love you, too.”

And it turns out, falling asleep knowing that is better than just falling asleep in Eddie’s arms.

Notes:

i said i'd be back with more firefighters, and here i am! i wrote like. an unreasonable amount of this on my phone at work but iakmslfd now it's done! and hopefully i'll be able to work on some more fic for these two soon, because i do have other ideas, but either way i am writing again and i do truly love writing for buck and eddie. i love when idiots (affectionate) fall in love.

anyways! if you enjoyed this please let me know! you can do that either here, on my twitter @foxwatsons or on my tumblr @eddiediazes. please also feel free to say hi or shout at me about the firefighters because i am still aksmdfl very much lacking in folks to shout about the firefighters with.

thank you for reading! <3