Chapter Text
"I want...." Quagmire looked around, and pointed at Peter. "I want your money."
Peter stared at Quagmire for a bit, as Cleveland scratched his ass. "You do know it's also Lois' money... right? She's gonna find out.." Peter scratched the floor with the tip of his foot, he's just a shy little guy after all. "I know. Just tell her you're sending it to charity. For gingers." Peter stared at him, and sighed, knowing he'd get his ass kicked, like that one time. . .
"Fine. I'll do it... just promise no one else has to know?" Peter said, holding his hands Infront of him as if he was paring to Quagmire. Which he probably should.
"Of course, Peter. Except for Cleveland." Peter and Quagmire looked at Cleveland, who was now doing unspeakable things. (He's masturbating). "He won't tell anyone." Quagmire turned, walking back to his own house. "I'll want the first payment by tomorrow!"
"WHAT ABOUT THE HOUSE?!" Peter yelled, gesturing towards the smoking pile of debris. Quagmire looked back, and gave a thumbs up, before slamming his door shut. "He's not helping." Peter looked at Cleveland, who was walking back to his house. "Wha- YOU TOO?!" Cleveland waved to Peter, as he also slammed his door. Peter sat down, in front of his burnt house, and cried. He cried so hard, his eyes hurt. He was a sad bean :(.
Lois' car sped by, and Peter propped up. "LOIS?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" Meg poked her head out. "DAD SOMEONE BROKE THE BREAKS DO SOMETHING" Peter tried running, but tripped over his own shoe. "LOIS!!! CHRIS!!! NO!!!" Peter hit the ground, certain his family had died. All 2 of them. He ran to Quagmire's door, beating it. "GLENN! WHAT DID YOU DO!!" Quagmire opened the door, ass naked. "I'm kinda busy, Peter. What the hell are you doing?" Peter punched Quagmire, as he yelled about his poor son, and poor wife. "Peter, I was having sex. This whole time. How could I kill your family during THAT?" Quagmire said, holding his stomach where it had been punched, a tear almost falling. Peter looked, and sure enough, a woman ran out of the house, followed by 2 more women. All naked. Ass naked. Running down the streets. Peter wiped his tears, trying not to look down. Really hard. "Sorry Glenn..." Quagmire looked over at Joe's house, and looked back at Peter. "Maybe Joe did it. He WAS pretty mad earlier." Peter looked too, and Joe had just rolled outside, and was now looking around, as if he was... hiding something... "You're right... I'm gonna KILL THAT BASTARD!!"
~~~~~~~
Joe looked at the sky, trying to find shapes. "Oh! I see a bunny... aww! And a little carrot!" Joe lowered his head, now looking at the house across the street. A woman was outside, getting her mail. "Hey, Cas!" He waved to the woman, who waved back. She looked towards the left, and ran inside. "Huh... weird. What's her problem?" Joe looked to the left too, and just barely made out an angry Peter, holding a bat. "WHAT THE FUCK!" Joe hurriedly started rolling back inside, just barely missing the first swing. "GET BACK HERE YOU MURDERER!!" Peter yelled, chasing Joe to the door. Joe got inside, slamming the door shut and locking it, rolling to the window to confront the madman. "WHAT THE HELL PETER! GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!" Bonnie walked behind Peter, holding a bag. Joe saw as she handed the keys to the house to him, smiling.
"BONNIE WHAT THE FUCK!!" Joe yelled, quickly moving anything he could to barricade his door from Peter's rampage. Peter nodded at Bonnie, thanking her as he walked to Joe's door, unlocking it and kicking the shit out of it. Joe started screaming, rolling to his room as he started barricading it too, looking for any possible way he could escape this hell. He heard a loud crash, followed by maniacal but victorious laughter, with even more crashes. "PETER THIS IS ILLEGAL!!" Joe called, rolling to his window as he hurried to unlock it, using all his strength to lift it. "JOE GET OUT HERE YOU DAMNED MURDERER!" Peter screamed, now banging on Joe's door with the baseball bat, screaming nonsense. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!! I'M AN OFFICER OF THE LAW, I WOULD NEVER MURDER SOMEONE! FUCK OFF." Joe retorted, popping the window open as he leapt outside, abandoning everything as he army crawled away.
Peter landed the final blow, cracking Joe's window open as he took a breath, kicking the door down. "JOE YOU FUCKING S-" Peter paused, looking around the weirdly empty room, before he noticed the abandoned wheelchair and wide open window. He scoffed, cursing loudly as he tossed the bat down, holding his head in anger spouting absolute nonsense again.
"So? Did you get him yet?" Bonnie called, walking inside the room with a water in hand, sipping at it. "No.. he escaped through the fucking window." Peter said, pointing at it. "Should've put a bear trap fatass." Bonnie said, patting Peter on the shoulder as she walked away, taking a larger gulp as she burped.
~~~~~~~
"QUAGMIRE OPEN THE DOOR!"
...
"QUAGMIRE I MEAN IT OPEN THE DOOR IT'S REALLY SERIOUS!!"
....
Joe banged on Quagmire's back door a few more times, met with Quagmire finally opening it. "What the hell is it this time??? Can't a guy have any privacy in his own home??" Joe looked up, letting out a very audible noise of disgust as he's met with nothing but the unfiltered sight of Quagmire's raging hard-on. "Put some damn pants on you freak." Joe says, crawling inside of Quagmire's house as he climbs onto a chair, letting out a sigh of relief. "Dude you don't just fucking WALK INSIDE SOMEONE'S HOUSE. Ask if you may come in you fucking dick." Quagmire says, slamming his door as he walks to where Joe sat, staring at him. "Now what the fuck do you want?"