Work Text:
“As of this moment, you both no longer bear the name of Leveilleur.”
When those words were spoken, Alisaie could hear a pin drop. The Scions behind them bore holes into the back of her head, and she could barely contain her snarl of anger at his words. How dare he? He comes all the way from Sharlayan only to what, prattle on about some useless nonsense about abandoning– no, sacrificing Eorzea altogether? To abandon his own kin? The amount of anger searing through her blood was palpable in the air, and she could only hope but turn to Alphinaud for calm and well-thought words. Because, well… Alisaie was a woman of action. She got angry quickly, liked to solve things with a good throttling or two, but after this she has found herself distinctly at a loss for words. She turned to Alphinaud to yell, scream, to say anything to him so he would fix things. He was always the one with the flowery placations and a blinding, perfectly placed smile, he was the one to hold the bridge steady while she marched on ahead. But looking into eyes shone emotions just like hers; profoundly hurt; and as if something just ripped his heart out of his chest. He was blankly staring at where their father was looming, mouth opening and closing slightly as he struggled to manifest a coherent thought.
Their father turned to leave.
“Father, wait!” She motioned to step forward, to stop him from walking away, to yell unasked questions of ‘how could you say this to us’ and ‘why?’, but she was interrupted by Alphinaud’s own shout behind her.
“Don’t bother, Alisaie!” She felt her own legs freeze, paralyzed by his words. She had to stand there hopelessly as father spoke a few choice words to Kan E-Senna and then walked away, the sound of footsteps lightening up before disappearing altogether haunting her. And though she knew it was a lost cause, she couldn’t help but lash out at her brother in turn. Spinning around, her mouth spoke before her words could be filtered.
“How could you let this happen? How could you just… let him walk away?” She rasped out, hands clenched in fists and abundant energy trapped buzzing underneath her skin.
“I…” The first syllable made her look up and into Alphinaud’s eyes, and her own breath caught in her throat.
“I-” He repeated, “-Out of all the words in the dictionary, there was naught one word I could think of to change his mind. You know that. If I could, I would. But I never could. And I cannot change his mind now.” He confessed, looking down at his fists tightening to the point of shaking and shoulders tensing.
And in all the years she had grown with him in Eorzea, Alisaie knew that he was courageous . He spoke his mind, he kept his chin high and morals higher, ideals whirling in his head a thousand miles a minute and impossible for her to keep up with. If he was given a mission, one that would save but one soul, he would throw his absolute all into making sure it was as successful as possible. And though she mocked him so, she truly found it admirable and held her brother in high regards. It only made his current appearance shocking, eyes empty in a way that made her stomach sink and his mouth agape at a loss of words. His appearance truly made her stop and re-evaluate the words she was about to interject the conversation with.
She hadn’t seen this side of Alphinaud in a long time. Since they were in Old Sharlayan, going to school in the Studium among peers largely over their age who never took a moment's glance to understand them. Trying to cope with a family that was shamed for having a grandfather who so blatantly went against everything Sharlayan stood for. They spent all their years being drilled, overwhelmed, broken down and built back up to be the ‘Perfect Leveilleur’s’, to show that their family deserved to stay in the Forum, to show their continued position in society as gifted academics. She balked at those days spent crumbling and desperately grasping to fit into a part she had no interest in playing.
Seeing their formative years once again reflected in his eyes made her spring into action, rage all but gone. After composing herself from the very strong desire to shout, she took one, two steps forward, and threw her arms around his shoulders, burying her head in his neck. Alphinaud was stiff, his whole body seized up and it was as if he couldn’t drag himself back down to reality. She squeezed just a bit harder, rough enough to not get lost in his sea of thoughts that were all but consuming him from the looks of it. She didn’t let him for a second pull away as he so tried to do. After a few moments, his arms wound just as tightly around her, and she felt those former prying eyes of the rest of the Scions look away to give them a moment of privacy. She couldn’t help but feel relieved at their random stroke of self-awareness, allowing her full attention to go to her twin who desperately needed her.
“Screw father, and screw the forum.” She muttered to him, having to fight with herself to make sure her words were comforting and not anger towards their bastard father. He snorted, shaking his head.
“I wish we could simply dismiss them, but this is going to cause us a lot of issues. Why… Why would they send Father all this way here just to do this? It doesn’t make sense.” Alisaie wanted to smack him on the backside of the head when she immediately noticed his voice reverting back to ‘normal’, controlled and leveled as he frantically tried to apply logic to something so illogical that she found it infuriating. Putting aside her feelings, she took a deep breath and pulled away just enough to look him in the eyes. Though the dread was still palpable, she saw him shove that part of himself to the side, steel with resolve and muttering to try and process what the next move for the Scions would be.
“I love you, brother.” She whispered, loud enough to stir him from his musings but quietly enough to hopefully keep their small bubble of privacy. He paused, blinking a few times before smiling. He tried his best to make it reach his eyes, though it was woefully unsuccessful.
“...I know.” He squeezed her hand tightly. “I love you too.” As he pulled away, eyes boring into hers just as intensely as she assumed she had been. She reflected his smile back at him, and with a quiet nod to each other, they pulled away, facing the group behind them with broken hearts put on the back-burner.
They had to plan in order for the world to be saved, after all.
***
Alisaie should’ve known that it wasn’t so easy to let things go, but gods couldn’t she have one moment of peace?
After briefly discussing their options with the rest of the Scions and finishing up their meeting with Kan-E-Senna, they had quietly shuffled to the kindly offered inn rooms that they were provided, barely able to keep their eyes open. Oda had gone on ahead with G’raha and Alisaie truly did not need to know what disgusting romantic nonsense the Exarch and Warrior of Light had going on between the two, thank you. Y’shtola, Urianger, and Thancred went off quietly to their own individual rooms after agreeing to meet up in the morning to converse on what the game plan should be, which only left the twins to their own devices. Surprisingly, Alphinaud spoke nary a word before going off on his own, locking himself in his inn room without looking back. Whether it was to stew on his bitterness or research every stature and article of the Sharlayan lawbook to commit a systemic takeover, she would never know. (Alphinaud may be calm, collected, and dangerously smart for his age, but he also wrote down every time she acted up as a child in an itemized list according to severity to snitch to their mother with at the end of the week as children, so she knew his rarely seen but very prominent mischievous side and continued to hold that grudge to this day.)
And Alisaie tried, she really did, to sleep. She had undressed into her small clothes and lied in bed for what felt like hours before finally passing out from emotional exhaustion of being abandoned by her father , which was no easy task. The only problem being that said sleep was violently disrupted by her own ghosts and apparitions that followed her around like a chain.
Opening her eyes, flashes of Amh Araeng were flooding her senses, the feeling of the everlasting sunlight beaming on her face and sand whisking up into her mouth and hair, heat making her head spin as she had to sit there, helpless. The feeling of blood was it blood why was she there why does it feel so real splattering on her as Tesleen was cut down by a Sin Eater, the shrieks of pain and delirium from her grotesque transformation echoing in Alisaie’s ears. She remembered Holminster Switch, the screams of fleeing citizens piercing her ears as she clung onto the feeling of her rapier in her hand, bringing the sword up and through the woman she had talked to every morning, every night. She remembered the sheer amount of force she had to put in to cut down the woman she previously held tightly when the world was so horrifically dark. The woman she escaped to when things became too much , perched on a hidden tower in Mord Souq together as Alisaie whispered stories about stars and constellations; how Tesleen was her night sky to this everlasting light, and how Tesleen clutched onto every word, so strong and fearless until she softly confessed: ‘Sometimes, I wish I were able to see the night sky, but I do not believe that it’ll happen before…’ a sentence left unfinished, that Alisaie finished to herself so many times with different answers. And Alisaie remembered interrupting that dark and self-fulfilling prophecy of dread with a kiss, one born from desperation and just a slight bit of greed. For if Tesleen were to truly fall as she suspected, Alisaie wanted to make it clear what role she wanted to play. It was Alisaie’s first infatuation, first love, first kiss, first everything, and after her death she tried to make sense of the empty raw void in her soul that splintered and frayed, edging on complete self-destruction.
After that, all she could remember was the horrifying shrieks, over and over, as Alisaie murdered her in cold blood, the same peace given to her charges never afforded to Tesleen herself. And for one weak, shattered moment, she desperately wanted Tesleen to take her too. And wasn’t that ironic? That the world was so close to the brink; just barely teetering over the balance in this wasteland of a star, and Tesleen managed to heal a part of her that she didn’t know was broken until it was ripped to shreds all over again.
It took Alisaie a few moments after waking up to discern reality. Her breath was erratic, hair plastered onto her face and body covered in a thin sheen of sweat. After the ceiling stopped spinning and she felt in control of her trembling body, she ripped the blanket off of herself and started pacing, hoping her restlessness didn’t awaken any of her neighbors. The shining moon outside her window did naught to help with her spiraling thoughts, Alisaie swallowing down a thick sob as she tried to get the woman out of her head. Within a few moments she knew that the haunted memories and faded touch of lips and hands and blood on her would not fade away, and so she threw on the first shirt and pair of pants she could find, grappling her rapier off of its stand and into her hands as she quickly made her way out of the inn and to a quiet corner of Gridania where she knew she could easily train in peace.
What livid feelings resided from the earlier altercation only got brought to the forefront, her mind so clouded in whirling emotions that she quickly set to work training to try and get it out of her system. Magic was always easier to cast when her emotions were out of control, a fire spell coming to her very easily and causing a much grander explosion that she had to put it out with a quickly weaved blizzard spell, wincing lightly at the heavily charred dummy staring back at her.
Okay… maybe not magic.
She switched over to working on some of her footwork and combos, and with every blow to the training dummy, her mind slowly drifted away from her normal stress. Anxiety and dread were replaced by adrenaline and focus, and it only reminded her why she spent so much of her life training. This was calm, this was normal, this was everything she needed when flowery language and a polite curtsy weren’t enough to tame the feeling of her veins on fire. She didn’t know how long exactly she was there, but she was aware of the gradual toll her body took from the aggressive burst of energy she had. When she stumbled and almost fell over, she knew it was time to take a break.
She huffed, her hair that was tied back in a loose ponytail now falling in front of her face. Alisaie groaned, trying to fix the strands falling into her eyes as she took many deep breaths to calm down. It had most likely only been a few a bell since she had gotten up, and yet the sun was still not out, with no sign it was arriving anytime soon. She threw herself onto the floor to look up at the sky, trying to allow the exhaustion from finally-wavering adrenaline to remain calm in the eye.
It was quite silly, but even though she did this to get her mind off her father, she couldn’t help but remember her time in the Studium because of this. Alisaie would spend hours upon hours in the training range refining her magic and combat prowess, only to head home in the dead of night to Alphinaud surrounded by stacks upon stacks of books in different languages and topics, reading until he couldn’t stand anymore. She would walk into the living room with a half-hearted call out of ‘home’ only for Alphinaud to look up at her with those empty, lost eyes. She never got the full story of what happened at home during her long hours gone from the estate, and by all hells, Alisaie didn’t dare to ask. She had queried about it once to him, and he had immediately slammed his book shut, walking away from her and unable to look her in the eyes. The only thing she could ever bring it within herself to attempt was walking around the large empty table Alphinaud would sit at, and give him a rough hug. He’d melt into her embrace almost every time as if the weight of a thousand years was on him and he couldn’t bear it anymore. And then he’d smile at her in that way that made her want to wring out his neck demanding names on who broke his spirit effortlessly so. But instead she swallowed every question, every spike of intuition that told her that something about her twin was wrong , and allowed him to ask her how her day was. They’d get into a tense but relatively peaceful conversation as the two were too tired to do any type of prattling, and then they would lean heavily on each other as they staggered to their room to do the same routine all over again the next day.
She continued to be lost in clouded memories, mentally tracing every astrological sign she could remember. As she did so, all she could bring herself to do was try to find any reason, any discernible sign that they did something, anything wrong to deserve this in the stars. Though she loved her brother, she also hated the fact that he had an uncanny ability to allow himself to put his emotions away for the sake of the future – and push everyone away in the process. She understood the desire to be alone, but seeing her brother not even truly look at her before locking himself in his inn room was excruciating. Her father had stabbed her in the back, and Alphinaud, unwillingly, made sure to twist it before tugging it out. Her heart was overflowing with emotions she kept struggling to keep in, and before she could really stop it, a tear fell from her eye. She hissed, trying to quickly rub it away, but once it started it would not stop. She could only cover her mouth when the first sob spilled over, praying that no one stumbled across her, only half wondering what she must look like to the outside. A pathetic small Elezen barely 19 moons old crying because her father didn’t love her – gods, could she be any more ridiculous?
“I do not think you’re being quite as petulant as you have deigned yourself to be.”
She jumped, turning to the new voice in the area and silently cursing herself for accidentally speaking out loud. There stood Thancred, arms crossed and head tilted to stare at her intently. She proceeded to try and fail to wipe her tears away, the man walking over to her and offering a cloth that she quickly took to clean her face. Once she could get more than a few words out without more tears, she responded.
“It’s utterly ridiculous and you know it.” She rasped out, shaking her head. She averted her eyes, shuffling away from him. “Regardless of what happened, we have a job to do, a responsibility and me crying-”
“Just because you have a responsibility does not mean familial ties aren’t important, and we both know you’re perfectly aware of that.” Thancred interrupted, and Alisaie’s argument died in her throat. Because she knew, she knew perfectly well what he was referring to.
Thancred had considered Minfilia like a daughter, and then Ryne came in and made those feelings go into overdrive. He may have not exactly acted the same way with Alisaie, but he was reliable and kind, if not a bit brash with no care to mince words. She always appreciated that he would speak his mind, but she didn’t particularly enjoy when those traits were focused on her. If anyone were to understand her struggle with emotions over duty though, it would be him.
“I- I know. There’s just… it’s done. It’s all done, and he’s definitely not taking it back, and I don’t even-” She snorted, tilting her head up and squeezing her eyes shut to keep the tears gathering once again at bay. “-I don’t even know why I care, Thancred. He never cared. I do not know what I expected to be different.”
He gave her a long, indescernible look, before reaching a hand out to squeeze her shoulder tightly.
“Because you wanted your father, not a diplomat. There’s nothing wrong with being disappointed that he wasn’t able to do that simple task.”
“...How do I make myself stop caring?” She whispered to him, desperate for an answer. “I knew this was going to happen but I can’t let go of being- disappointed. And angry. Gods, I am still angry- no, that isn’t a strong enough word, I’m seething.”
After a few moments, Alisaie pulled away from Thancred’s comforting grip, arms wrapped around herself. It was one thing to be vulnerable by herself, but with the Scion staring at her in what she could only presume was pity, it left a bitter taste in her mouth.
“You’re strong and independent, Alisaie, and that is not a bad thing. But as much as we all have a hard time admitting it, you’re still a kid. You and your brother are kids, you’re allowed to be bitter and resentful at the world, just a little bit.”
“What happened to not letting yourself wallow in what-ifs and anger?” She shot back.
“Allowing yourself time to process is different from wallowing.” Thancred responded just as bluntly. She winced, looking up at him directly. He tilted his head at her, expression not readable outside the obvious question he was holding himself from asking.
“Just say what you want to ask me, I know you’re dying to.” She relented.
“...Is this the first time he’s been an absolute whoreson to you?”
Alisaie was thrown off at the question, barely holding in her guffaw. She was expecting something much easier to deflect, something about her feelings or how Alphinaud was doing, or even about her resentment for her father. But this was a bit too on-the-nose, yet absolutely cathartic to hear from someone not herself. She let her shoulders deflate as she thought of a proper answer.
“Not exactly… father was never a fan of us coming to Eorzea as a whole. I guess you can say us arguing about it was the straw that broke the camels back.” She paused before finally confessing something both her and Alphinaud avoided as much as possible, though Tataru’s knowing looks said it wasn’t the best-held secret.
“After we left, our letters never got read. We’d send it and it would just be returned back to us. After a few tries we just… stopped. After awhile it seemed less and less important.”
She heard cloth jostle before Thancred came to sit down next to her to join her in looking up at the stars.
“You and your brother have determination. To be seen, to make sure you’re as useful as possible in all situations. And at first, I interpreted your enthusiasm as hubris, and your eagerness to prove yourself arrogance. Especially your brother – but by the time we were working with G’raha in the Crystarium I finally put into words why you were like that. You both have something to prove. I cannot for certain say what it is, but I see it in your eyes much more clearly now. Your father deciding to turn his back on you was and still is his biggest loss, though I’m amiss to admit something so… sentimental. But your honesty to your ideals and determination to not fail are two of your best traits.”
He didn’t quite look at Alisaie but she felt as if he was staring right through her. She bunched her hands into fists, eyes stinging with tears that never seem to fully stop as her throat constricted. Why? Why did Thancred of all people have to come out here and pick and prod at her as if she was an open book that was waiting to be ripped open for the world to see? She was sick and tired of feeling so weak, and after everything she was hoping to leave this whole travesty behind her and focus on protecting Eorzea. Protecting what really mattered to her, in her both found family and blood family with her brother.
“I- want to be angry. I want to be resentful and bitter, but I just feel exhausted. I just want to sleep and forget about all of this. But I know that Alphinaud is probably struggling with this more than even I am.” She confessed, hiding her face in her hands to try and get herself together. She quietly thanked Thancred for not pressuring her to hurry up and explain herself as she took a few moments to think.
She definitely was angry – viscerally so, in fact. She was sad and hurting, and maybe she didn’t know how to vent it very well, but if she was being torn up inside by this Alphinaud must be absolutely shattered . And she felt helpless, because while the betrayal of her father was a sting that ached deeply, it was one she was half-expecting. Too many nights alone staying in the Studium to train just to stay away from that prison of a house, too many arguments on wanting to have freedom to talk to other people and live a life outside of their family name made it impossible to believe they wouldn’t hit a breaking point. But for their father to turn their back on Alphinaud? The boy who put in three times the effort to make up for Alisaie’s unwillingness to cooperate, the boy who put aside his whole identity, his ability to allow himself the slightest shreds of happiness to make the Forum approve of him, the boy who would she would come home to and sleep in the same room as, forced to listen to his choked sobs as he curled into his own bed and cried himself to sleep for reasons she still wasn’t fully aware of but had an inkling. (Okay, maybe she had a bit of an idea, one didn’t cry and bring themselves to the precipice of disaster without a ‘motivator’ after all, and Alphinaud’s previous aversion to disappointing people to the point of spiralling wasn’t a normal reaction by any means.)
“I knew. I knew that father one day would be tired of my vehement refusal to abide by his rules, and I was okay with that. I pushed so fervently to come to Eorzea because while I could not understand why my grandfather would die for the sake of this place, it had to be better than that godsdamned island. I wanted to understand why he left our family, left Alphinaud and I, to come here and never come back. Father hated that our grandfather came here, and he has taken it out on us once we made it clear our intentions were to follow his path. But I can’t help but feel resentful that this is how our father handled it. I deserved better than this. And seven hells, Alphinaud definitely deserved better. Alphinaud gave his blood, sweat, and tears to make father happy, and it was never enough.” ‘I’ve seen what happens when Alphinaud doesn’t feel like he’s enough’ were words that were on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t muster the courage to say it. Both for his own privacy and that it would bring up too many questions she wasn’t courageous enough to tackle.
“What was his goal? Maybe knowing why he did something can help us also figure out what his motivations are, now.” He questioned, chin leaning on his balled-up fist.
“No idea,” she grumbled. “If I knew, I would tell you. Father was always so strict on my training, that my magic instructors were nothing but impressed. He encouraged me to be out of the house training for fourteen hours a day if necessary, and I took it to get away from him. As for Alphinaud, I am… unsure if my speaking for him is fair, nor is it necessary.”
“Necessary in the sense of being private, or necessary as if it's truly irrelevant? If it has nothing to do with his overall motivations and doesn’t give us an idea to be able to appeal to the forum, then we don’t need to know.”
Being put in this position was a nightmare – she wanted to protect her sibling and keep his privacy, but if there was any way to get into Sharlayan and have the opportunity to appeal to the forum, it would be from them. Alisaie spoke firmly, mouth tight-lipped otherwise.
“If anyone knew a loophole into getting permission to enter Sharlayan, or a loophole on how to get an audience outside of official channels, it would be Alphinaud.”
“Do I get to ask why he would know something like that?” He questioned lightly, but didn’t seem to inclined to get the answer if it wasn’t impertinent. It was impossible for her to hide the audible way in which she growled out those words, but she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
“Let’s just say… father enjoyed making sure Alphinaud didn’t disappoint him and was a perfect mini-him to take over his seat in the forum once his term was over. Alphinaud spent years drilling over every history textbook he could get his hands on in every library he had access to. He got straight A ’s on all his classes, never getting below a 95 in any class at any point in time. He was involved in the student council as one of the youngest parliament leaders in the Studium. And one of the main benefits of that position is that you get to shadow and sit in on forum meetings every now and then.”
“So if anyone knew about exceptions to the rules, he may be one of our only options, considering all our Sharlayan contacts have cut us off.” She nodded at his assertion. He paused to ponder this for a few moments, before nodding in agreement. He motioned to stand and waited for her to follow, which she promptly did. He placed a free hand on her shoulder, squeezing it tightly for just a breadth of a moment.
“That’s a good start, but I want you to get some sleep, you hear? We’re going to need both of you in top shape lest we want to waste even more time getting to Sharlayan and smacking some sense into the forum.”
“Yes, sir.” She mock saluted, it being just a bit less exhausting to smile now that she had the space to rant and breathe. As he turned to walk away, she found herself remembering something suddenly, and she called for him to pause for a moment.
“Just as a note… don’t corner him. And don’t quiz him about this. If possible, try to phrase your questions as non-confrontational as possible? I know you are quite frank and that is fine, but…”
“Something specific that is none of my business, I presume?” He mused out loud, before humming in acknowledgment. “I shall do my best, but I cannot promise anything. Sleep, alright? I am not dragging you to your room, but if you are out much longer I will call Oda on you.”
“Oh brother, do not call her over, plus she’s probably, I don’t know, petting G’raha or something.” She fake gagged, crossing her arms over her chest. He laughed heartily, and with a handwave walked off. As he disappeared into the twists and turns of the main city, she took a few more moments to enjoy the fresh air and night sky before proceeding her own way back to the inn. She had a brother to help now that she herself was calm, after all.
***
Honestly -- Alisaie didn’t know what in the seven hells she was going to say to her brother now that she was at his door.
That didn’t stop her from knocking rather fervently on Alphinaud’s inn door, refusing to leave when she got no response in return. She knew she was still in the room – if Tataru’s vigilant eye was to be trusted, anyway. And as long as he was in his room, she was not going to walk away. Her own mind was turning, still in turmoil but finally clear enough to have a goal that she was not going to walk away from. Thancred’s dry but honest conversation spurred her to want to provide the same to her brother, and Alisaie tried not to let the shame of running away to attend to her own problems eat at her.
She tried not to make a startled noise as mid-knock, the door slowly creaked open. Every word she planned out meticulously in her head to lecture him with died in her throat at his face. His skin was pale, much more than she was used to, with dark rings under his eyes and puffiness in his cheeks. He cleared his throat, not quite able to meet her eyes as he tried to make himself appear more put together.
Looking at Alphinaud now, Alisaie could only see eleven-year-old him; so alone and quiet at school, being shoved around by their peers. His eyes looking down in shame, tome cradled tightly in his chest and his carbuncle obediently sitting on its side and confused why Alphinaud refused to allow him to help. The desire to protect and lash out at what was weighing on her brothers mind sparked almost immediately, but it was hard to know how to save him when the shadows that were tearing him apart were invisible to the naked eye, instead clouding his head and corrupting his thoughts into a darkness she can’t easily mend.
“Could I come in, or shall I just stare blankly at your door as a guard?” She muttered sardonically, and just a bit of light seemed to flash in his eyes as he held back an amused chuckle. He stared at her owlishly, eyes unreadable, before moving to close the door on her. She stuck her foot in-between the doorframe to catch it on time, half-glad she had at least put on her armored shoes before going on her outdoor excursion. The door rattled with a clang, Alphinaud’s eyes narrowing slightly.
“Let me in.” She didn’t leave much room for him to argue, the two glaring at each other and the tension palpable. His fingers tapping unsteadily on the door was the only tell on if he was going to crack, and after a few tense moments, her brother’s shoulders slouched and he rubbed his free hand over his face as he opened the door for her to enter.
She took a few steps into the inn room, taking note of the still roaring fireplace and scrawled blankets all over the couch. The bed remained untouched. She frowned as she noticed a bottle on the couch table, it being half empty with a filled cup placed neatly next to it. The inn window was open, the soft wind swirling into the room to let out whatever heat did manage to build up in the area. The room was similar to hers, but he hadn’t bothered to light a single lantern or candle – casting the room in a dark glow only illuminated by the fire and setting moon outside. Hesitant footsteps resounded behind her as Alphinaud closed the door behind her, and suddenly they were cast in their own silence. She didn’t look directly at him as he passed by her on the way back to the couch, only now noticing his hair was in a state of disarray flowing down his face. He had seemed to try and contain it with his usual ribbon, but it wasn’t tight enough causing bits of hair to fall out of it and into his eyes. She cautiously stepped around the blanket half on the floor to sit next to her brother with words cluttered in her head, unable to decipher into legible sentences. After a few moments of internal debate she reached out to his hands fiddling on his lap and moved to grip one tightly. The corners of his nails were red with a few even bleeding slightly, and she had to press lightly on his hands to get them to tense up less with the tremors now much more obvious.
“...Alphinaud?” She whispered out, looking up at him only to be taken aback by his eyes, now much less guarded and with it, much more lost.
“I… cannot find myself to be good company right now. I apologize.” He barely managed to rasp back, his hand moving to intertwine with hers and squeeze.
“Brother, you do not have to be ‘good company’ for me to visit you. I had a feeling you were… taking the situation hard, but I am sorry I wasn’t here earlier. I was… angry, and knew if I was around you, I’d be angry still.”
Alphinaud snorted as he tried to pull himself together, not unlike her own visible breakdown earlier in the field, and she could not help but wish desperately for a way to take on another’s burden, even a miniscule part. His hand went to run through his messy strands, annoyance visible as he tried to constantly shift them behind his ears to no avail. She could tell that her constant eyes on him was making him antsy by the way his eyebrows tensed with the way his hand seemed to tighten its grip on hers more and more before he made himself look away and into the fire.
“Do you remember when a few of my peers decided to take my belongings and throw them into the fountain our first year in the Studium?” He eventually asked. The question required Alisaie to take a moment to think about it. When the old memory came to her, she responded.
“They… were upset that you had the highest grade during the first quarter of the year, right? Or something of the sorts.” She answered.
“I had gotten a 95 on the first placement test of the year. As we both know those tests are rather difficult, and ah, some students didn’t take lightly to a child three years their junior being top of their class. They had assumed I had gotten unfair sympathy and bias from the teacher at first, and then came to the assumption that I had simply cheated my way there afterwards.”
His voice cracked slightly at the end of his statement, and he had to take a moment to breathe and clear his throat before proceeding.
“I remember you had shown up a few moments after they had started a quarrel. They had done some… unsavory things-”
“Alphinaud, your leg was almost broken and they pulled out a chunk of your hair, I do not believe that was simply unsavory!” He shook his head, brushing the words off and causing a flare of annoyance to surge within her.
“Irregardless of the circumstances that caused it, you had shouted at them to leave me alone which drew the ire of the teachers around us, and made them intervene. After school you had to stay behind for extra practice you were doing in magics, and I went home to study. A few hours after I got home, fath- Fourchenault got home, and he had been told what happened.” He moved to continue onwards but his voice died out before it could. Shouders slumped as he tried to rub some type of awareness into his face with the palm of his hand. Seeing her twin suffering so was infuriating for Alisaie. This was almost a recurring loop, and she was exhausted trying to prove to him that people didn’t simply have the right to assault him or abandon him because of a decision, whether it was his fault something bad happened because of said decision or not. But arguing about it would be like trying to describe to Y’shtola what an abstract painting looked like, so she begrudgingly let it go.
“He- asked me to sit down and explain what happened. And I did, I showed him my test score and explained what the other students had accused me of, and how the teacher only stepped in to stop it after you had arrived to stop it. I asked him if I could have one of the healers fix my ankle as I had been barely able to get home after school due to the pain, and he stared at me for a few moments. It was hard to tell what he was thinking, it is always difficult to interpret what anything he does means. But he sat down next to me on the couch and handed me his tome, and told me ‘if I was truly smart enough to get that 95 in aetheric theory, I should be smart enough to figure out how to heal myself’. And then he- stared. I kept trying and failing and as I did he looked so- disappointed in me, for failing, for not- I don’t know, living up to his expectations. And when I finally managed to heal it enough for the swelling to go down and it to not hurt as much to walk on, he told me he would be expecting better from then on out, and that if I were to be top of my class, 95’s wouldn’t be acceptable. I couldn’t be good, or great, I had to be the best. And then he took his tome back and walked away. He- he didn’t even really look at me the whole time, and when he did it felt like I was being sentenced for a crime I never committed.”
By the end of the anecdote, Alphinaud lost the battle with his own tears, trying to scrub them from his face and choke back his cries. And Alisaie was furious. Another way their father had failed them, another situation she never heard of casting to light why Alphinaud was so terrified of failure, his impulse to send himself to the pyre lest he make a mistake that hurts anyone other than himself. But it routed back to one overall question – one that she had quiety asked herself when she dared to question what was around her, but could not put to words quite so eloquently.
“How much blood do we have to spill, how much pain do we have to go through, how much more of ourselves do we have to rip apart and sew back together? How much do we- we have to suffer before he actually loves us , Alisaie?” Alphinaud’s voice frayed towards the end of his cry, and she swallowed thickly as the teary gaze he had oh-so-feverently avoided directing towards his sister meet her eyes. When he looked up at her, his eyes were wide and desperate for an answer as now both his hands clenched tightly around hers. And the worst part was, she had no idea how to respond. Oh, she wish she did, but this wasn’t her thing. She didn’t know how to comfort, or to soothe, or to speak the right words that resonated with those around her. She did not know how to patch the hole in Alphinaud’s heart that father left, the one of too-high expectations with the fall was so deep you couldn’t see the floor. But she did know that this was her brother, the one that held her hand when she was scared of monsters under her bed and threw orange peels at her when she teased him on being terrible at swimming lessons and who held her tightly when she confessed to him, quiet and terrified, that she might actually like girls. She refused to allow this suffering to be his own to bear. She guided him to lie on the back of the couch, using the better position to throw her arms fully around him and hold him tight. His breath hitched, before a strangled sob came out of his chest, arms circling back in a vice grip as his own world fell apart. He went with the movement pilantly, arms digging into her loose tunic and causing her to almost wince at the vice grip.
The Studium tried to teach them knowledge but left them petrified of the world around them. Their parents were supposed to protect them and guide them, but all Alisaie got was a father who perpetually disapproved of Alisaie’s mere existence bar her magical expertise and a father who pushed their son to the brink of disaster for the sake of perfection. All they both got was a mother who did love and care for them, but would never say a word if their father said something first – their father was above her opinions, and she never tried to protect them from his words or actions. The Warrior of Light was more of a mother to the twins than Ameliance was and Oda is only two years older than them, and more of a sister in terms of actions to boot. When they were both exhausted from traveling between Kugane and Limsa Lominsa, the Raen had scolded the two for an hour on taking care of themselves as she cooked the two a traditional Doman dish in her hotel room, going off into stories about her childhood in Othard, how nice it was seeing Lord Hien after hearing about all the stories as a child, and then bounced off her own ramblings to ask the two how they were faring. The woman spoke frankly, but with a warm tone to outshine her bluntness and to show how she truly cared. She had gotten the two a nice, comfortable, and notably different set of Doman sleepwear, and once they had donned it, had also given them some gifts. Alphinaud got a book of Kami legends that he was curious about, and Alisaie her own book in the form of puns that she found horrifying yet absolutely amazing. Oda was truly someone who took care of them, and if cooking them food and giving them comfort and gifts wasn’t enough, she had then walked over to the two and given them both smothering hugs, swearing in a mix of Doman and common tongue as she rubbed her horns on both of their foreheads.
Alisaie was loathe to admit that it was the first time she had felt safe with anyone outside of Alphinaud fully and completely in quite a long time.
She tried to swallow down the strong desire for the Warrior of Light to be here, to provide comfort – anything to make this ache they both felt lessened. But instead she pulled away just slightly once Alphinaud’s sobs quieted down some, gesturing for Alphinaud to roll over after he let go of her arms abashedly. Thankfully he had done what she requested rather promptly, which allowed her to untie his messy hair and comb through it with her fingers, taking apart tangled strands and organizing them to place back into a bun after. She may be bad at words, but she hoped the comforting gesture would help him relax enough to speak to her again. And that’s how the two stayed; Alisaie slowly parting and organizing locks of hair to tie together, with Alphinaud slowly relaxing into her calming movements until he was sagging into the bed, eyes out of tears and quiet permeating the room outside of him occasionally clearing his ragged throat.
“I don’t know what we are going to do…” Alisaie confessed after a long moments pause, bunching his hair lightly and wrapping it into a more neater and properly holding bun. His shoulders tensed at the start of a conversation, but she had to get this out and couldn’t afford for him to clam up again. “But we have the Scions. And we have each other. And father is an absolute– argh, he’s an absolute ignoramus! And he… doesn’t deserve us, okay? He definitely doesn’t deserve you.”
“All I have done is fail him, Alisaie. And my refusal to admit my posturing and arrogance got people killed. It got Minfilia killed, it caused the sultana to almost die, and it cost… many lives that I was not worth.” Each word was punctuated with him curling into himself lightly, and Alisaie finished pinning his hair just in time to grapple with him into another tight hug.
“But you helped us, all of us. You fought so hard to make sure the plan to save Ryne initially worked, you helped with the attack on the Crystarium, seven hells look at me-” She pulled him to turn to her, identical eyes meeting with both sides reflecting pain and a desperation that she oh-so-deeply wanted to sate.
“You fought against tyranny, Alphinaud! You helped free Eulmore, and Kholusia, and we would’ve never done any of this without you. The Chai’s saw you as their own son because they saw the absolute amazing person you are, and not just your intelligence. You don’t need to know every article of the Forum’s policy or every important date in history wholly and completely to have a level of empathy and honesty we could never attain. You have helped bring together Eorzea’s nations, helped save Ishgard from an endless war of lies, you assisted Gaius in trying to stop the Black Rose before you were forced into the First, you are nothing like what Fourchenault has ever or will ever think of you.”
After her rant she grit her teeth, staring at him as the words washed over him. First, the overwhelming aura of grief hanging over him lightened just barely, from his eyebrows furrowing less to his arms that were once hanging on in a vice grip to her loosening and eventually just resting around her sides. His shoulders trembled as he slowly leaned his head onto her shoulder, and she allowed him this temporary moment to truly regain himself now that she was mostly sure he was not going to collapse in on himself anymore.
“He hurt you, too.” He stated it like it was a fact, even though it felt more like a twisted knife in her heart.
“Yeah.”
“You are allowed to hate him for hurting you, just like you hate him for hurting me. And you were hurt by more than this, too. This isn’t just about me.”
“I know.” A lie.
“We both were ripped to pieces Alisaie, we just sewed ourselves back together. Father hurt you not by his academic standards, but his lack of acceptance and controlling nature on how to let you live your own life.” He spoke firmly over her attempt at dismissal and Alisaie felt his eyes flutter close on her shoulder, allowing herself to try and attempt to rest her eyes as well. But this time, instead of her own isolated room, she was in the safety of a room she felt protected in, hugging the other half of her that would go to the ends of the world to protect her just like she would him.
“...I know about Tesleen.” Alphinaud confessed, and she stiffened at the mention. “I may not have met her, but Oda told me a bit about her, and you sent me enough letters to get the idea – I know she loved you just as much as you loved her. And father spitting in your face about everything and adding to your loss probably did not help you already struggling with her passing, so… I am sorry.”
She shook her head. “It was never going to last anyway, but I- I wish it did. I wish the feeling of being loved like that lasted, too. I fear every day I’m going to wake up and never remember her, Alphi. And I fear I am going to wake up and instead of the good memories or the horrible memories of Tesleen that I get, it’ll just be him stomping over everything I love all over again. I wanted to tell him about her, I wanted him to- to maybe even understand that I loved her and that all she wanted was for the stars to be saved, that maybe he’d accept that and accept that we’ve both grown and changed and done so much . That I want to save the Source for her, too, not just for us.”
A pause.
“Tomorrow… describe her to me.”
“What?”
“I will draw a portrait of her. Have Oda describe her, too. And then you’ll never forget what she looks like.”
She choked down the start of a wail, shoving her head into her brother’s shoulder and suppressing her cries as she thought about the woman who made her feel alive when she wanted nothing but to perish. The thought of being able to see her face, even in paper, even just once more, was overwhelming.
“Okay?” He interjected softly as she tried to piece her senses back together.
“Okay.” She rasped back.
She curled in a little further into their hug, not an ilm of space left between them. Alphinaud moved one hand temporarily from the embrace to wrap them both in the quilt he could reach on the ground, before tucking himself back into the hug. For once, Alisaie felt like everything might be okay, even if it wasn’t right then and there. Her heart may be torn, and Alphinaud’s heart may have a gaping hole in it, but together they knew they’d survive this just like they did everything else. Not because they were Leveilleur’s, but because they were Aphinaud and Alisaie, Scions of the Seventh Dawn that will save the Source from the Final Days. This she swore to herself as she felt Alphinaud relax into slumber, and quickly followed.