Chapter Text
December
December 9th, 2022
“Be my date to the company holiday party,” Anthony states rather than asks as he shovels noodles into his mouth. The whole picture is rather inelegant, with broth dripping down his chin as he speaks around the food he’s chewing.
Snorting, Kate responds, “Why?”
They’re at her favorite ramen place a couple of blocks from her apartment. He came by right after he got off work, and both of them were starving. Kate’s been so busy this week that her fridge is in a rather sad state, so they decided to eat out. Anthony only complained briefly about having to do her stairs again. It’s become more common in recent weeks, getting meals together or hanging out. Now, they’re spending three to four nights a week together, and they’ve started getting dinner or watching a movie some of those nights. It’s not that often, not enough that Kate’s worried about their boundaries getting blurred. But it’s enough that when Edwina or Benedict texts her about making plans, she tends to check with Anthony first before confirming.
“My whole family will be there anyway, so you’re bound to be someone plus one,” he says like it’s obvious. Kate supposes it is. “Be mine so we can sneak up to my office, and I can eat you out when the speeches start.”
“JESUS, Anthony, we’re in public!” Kate looks around frantically, but thankfully, none of the other tables seem to have noticed.
“Oh, please, NOW you’re worried about being in public?” He asks, raising one eyebrow.
Kate flushed as she remembers how, a couple of weeks ago, she convinced him to let her suck him off in the bathroom of Ben’s art gallery. They weren’t gone very long, but when they came back, Anthony’s shirt was untucked and Kates's hair was tangled from him running his hands through it. Benedict glared at them when they returned, slapping Anthony on the back of the head in frustration. Kate still thinks it was worth it.
“Okay, fine, send me the details. AND send me what Daphne’s wearing; I don’t trust you to relay a dress code accurately.”
Anthony whips out his phone to do just that. She’s a little annoyed to see that it's only five days away, and, judging from the invite, it’ll be something she needs to buy a gown for. But she relishes the opportunity to get dressed up and eat fancy food on somebody else’s dime, and it looks like there’s an open bar, too.
“Geez, give a girl some more notice next time,” she jokes, referencing the date on the invite.
“Yeah, sorry, I had actually forgotten about it until this morning when my mom texted me.” He at least has the decency to look sheepish. “I asked Daphne to send you a pic of her dress directly. But let me know what you end up wearing! I want to coordinate.” He winks at her in jest and Kate rolls her eyes.
“Coordinate? There’s not gonna be a red carpet or something, right? This isn’t like the Met Gala for media types or anything?” Kate wasn’t nervous about it until she voiced the thought.
Anthony barks out a laugh. “No, no red carpets. We have a photographer, but it’s internal only. I just think coordinating is imperetive.”
“God, sometimes I forget how genteel you are.”
Anthony then tries to prove her wrong by stealing a few noodles from her bowl, fighting her chopsticks with his before aggressively diving them into her ramen, splashing broth over the table.
-
She’s right about needing to buy a new dress. Daphne sends her a picture of hers, along with ‘I had no idea you were coming!’ and Kate can tell it’s black tie. She ransacks a few stores looking for something both appropriate and affordable before she finds a green dress that feels right.
It’s long, hitting a little before her ankles, and forms to her body. The straps are thinner than she’s used to, but it’s not overly low cut. The material shimmers under the lights as she moves, and frankly, Kate feels beautiful in it.
When she meets Anthony outside her apartment, waiting in front of his Tesla, his eyes go wide and his jaw drops as he rakes his eyes up and down her body. That, and his invitation to go right back up to her apartment, are a nice ego boost. Plus, he looks way too good in his suit, a green pocket square sticking out of his jacket. Kate fingers it, impressed that he got an almost exact match to her dress.
“Look,” she says as she leans against his red car, “we’re Christmas-themed.”
Anthony laughs but pulls out his phone to take a photo. She poses for a few, going for comical, mocking car ads, as he snaps pictures. An older woman walks by and offers to take one of them both, and Anthony hands the phone over, probably not wanting to explain how they’re not actually together.
As she hands him the phone back, she tells them both, “you make such a lovely couple.” Kate can see a red blush creep up Anthony’s neck as he thanks her, and he quickly jumps in the car to start it.
Sometimes she forgets that her closest friends are nepotism babies, but walking into the holiday party reminds her of it immediately. ‘Party’ is a rather egregious misnomer. Something like ‘gala’ or ‘fete’ would be more appropriate. The dress code is strict black tie, and Kate can see an ice sculpture in the corner. When a waiter walks by with food, she spots lobster and Kobe beef. But every Bridgerton sibling seems in their element, even Eloise the picture of poise in her designer jumpsuit as she engages a few of the bureau chiefs in conversation.
Anthony quickly gets pulled into a discussion with some other executives, and while Kate knows that she’s welcome to, expected to really, stand silently there, hanging off his arm, she’s immediately surveying the crowd for an escape. It comes in the form of Sophie and Benedict giggling off to the side.
Not caring how it’s perceived, she excuses herself from the group and heads over to the couple to greet them.
“I didn’t know you were coming!” Sophie exclaims as she hugs her.
“Yeah, Anthony told me I might as well come along as his date since one of you Bridgertons would’ve dragged me here anyway,” Kate jokes.
Benedict raises an eyebrow. “Has something changed between the two of you?”
Kate lets out a confused laugh. “Uh, no, why? We’re just friends.”
“Right,” Benedict narrows his eyes, his voice skeptical. “I just remembered I need to talk to Ant about something; I’ll see you two later.” He drops a kiss on Sophie’s cheek before striding across the room toward his brother.
Kate watches him grasp Anthony's shoulder before leaning in to whisper something in his ear. Anthony shoots a wild look her way before furrowing his eyebrows at Benedict. The two continue to exchange heated words and Kate takes a mental note to ask him about it later.
Sophie, who had also been watching the two brothers, turns to Kate. “Come, I realized last year that the real fun at these things lies with the youngest siblings.” She curls her hand around Kate’s arm to lead her through the crowd.
“You know,” Sophie says as they walk, “this party is actually where Ben and I met. I was a server here and I found him hiding out by the kitchens. We hit it off immediately, but I was dressing more masculine back then and he thought I was a man. He said he scoured the staff listings and asked every manager to find me. I was so worried to tell him it was me because I thought he was only into men.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” Kate says in awe, “like a modern-day Cinderella.”
“Yes, complete with gender fluidity and bisexuality. Don’t tell Disney.” Sophie throws a wink at Kate over her shoulder as they reach what seems to be the kids' table.
Hyacinth and Gregory are currently engaged in a high-stakes game of flick football with a folded cocktail napkin, Francesca keeping careful score. (Or at least that’s what she claims she’s doing on her phone, but Kate spots a text thread with someone named John open.) Sophie slides into the seat next to Greg and Kate sits down next to her.
“I call next game,” Sophie’s abrupt declaration distracts Gregory just enough that his napkin sails an inch wide of Hyacinth’s fingers.
Groaning, Gregory switches seats with Sophie. “It’s not fair!” he exclaims. “You’re hands are so much smaller!”
Hyacinth sticks her tongue out at him instead of responding.
“Don’t worry, Greg. She’s no match for Sophie.” The teenager nearly falls out of his seat when he realizes that Kate is here, turning rapidly towards her. Kate has to suppress a giggle at the way his eyes go wide and his cheeks flush. She finds his crush on her endearing, even if it makes her a tad uncomfortable sometimes.
“Kate! I didn’t know you’d be here.” He sounds a little distraught, and Kate can see he’s trying to check his reflection in the silverware on the table. “I wish I would’ve asked you first.”
“I’ll tell you what,” Kate leans towards him like she’s telling a secret, “next year, I’ll come with you.”
“Well, you can’t, because-” Kate never hears why she can’t because Eloise arrives, as noisily as she always does.
“God, you would think that at this point they’d give me at least one drink. I’m 20 for crying out loud.” She plops down unceremoniously next to Francesca.
Kate laughs. “I think when someone can Google your age, it becomes difficult to get served under 21.”
“Well, my name is on the fucking building. I don’t think anyone's going to bust them for giving me one beer.”
Kate exchanges a look with Sophie. As much as she loves the Bridgertons, that entitlement sure is hard to grow out of. “Anthony probably gave the whole staff a warning not to serve you.”
“Can confirm,” Sophie adds, “he did it a couple of years ago. He also told us that any bribe you offer, he’ll double for us not to take it.”
Eloise groans, slumping into her seat. “He’s way too busy at these things to pay that much attention. At least let the rest of us have fun.”
Anthony is indeed extremely busy. Kate doesn’t know why she expected different; he is the most important person in this room. But she still hates that she’s sitting here at the kids' table as Anthony flits from group to group, showing his face and shaking hands. Why’d he even invite her if he’s not going to spend any time with her? She’s reminded suddenly of that list he has of the perfect wife. Kate hasn’t thought about it in a while, too wrapped up in their own thing, but now, it feels impossible to ignore. She’ll never be the type of woman content to just hang off Anthony's arm at these events or sit gossiping with the other wives. And though she’s never lost sight of what this thing with Anthony is, Kate still feels a stab of disappointment that she can’t be that for him. Instead, she’s the same old Kate Sharma: too loud, too opinionated, too much.
But, though she’ll never be able to be that person, she can sit here and kick Eloise’s ass at flick football. And that’s exactly what she’s doing when Anthony and Benedict make their way over.
Ben settles immediately into the seat next to Sophie, while Anthony leans over Kate, resting his arms on her chair, boxing her in. He leans down to whisper in her ear, “wanna take a tour?”
She turns her head towards him and is momentarily taken aback by how close his face is to hers. She leans back as much as she can, trying to put distance between them in front of his siblings. She can already feel Benedict’s judgemental stare.
“I’ve been here before, remember?” She keeps her voice low so no one else can hear. His eyes darken at the reminder of her previous visits.
“Yes, but you’ve never spent much time actually taking the place in. C’mon, I wanna show you where I work.”
After glancing around the table to make sure they wouldn’t be missed too much, Kate agrees.
“Won’t they need you down here for the speeches and stuff?” She asks as he leads her towards the bank of elevators.
“Nah, my mom handles these events. Any charitable event or tradition, she does the speeches. They don't really like hearing from the fuckup son for those things.” Anthony’s tone is light, but the tightness in his jaw betrays his true emotions. Kate can tell that what he’s really saying is that he still doesn’t feel worthy, to stand where his father stood.
As they wait for an elevator, Kate reaches up to smooth some of the tension out of his jaw. He visibly relaxes under her touch, leaning into her hand.
“I don’t think you’re a fuckup,” she offers. “Maybe next year you could give the speech. I feel like 30 is a good age to be seen as responsible.”
Anthony rolls his eyes but he doesn’t argue with her. Instead, he pulls her into a kiss, chaste but full of promise.
He brings her up to his floor, a place she’s been a couple of times. He skips right past his office and instead scans his ID to let them into the huge conference room in the corner. Foor to ceiling windows cover an entire wall, offering a rather breathtaking view of the New York skyline.
Kate walks slowly towards the windows, her mouth slightly open as she takes it in. It’s crazy that this is just a place for meetings here.
“It’s beautiful, right?” Anthony asks as he follows her.
“It’s incredible.”
Anthony slides up behind her, pushing her forward gently until her forehead rests against the glass. He drops a kiss at the juncture of her neck and shoulder, running a hand up her bare arm.
“I want to fuck you here,” he says, his voice rumbling through her. “I want everyone to see what I do to you. I wanna eat you out with a view. Dinner and a show.”
Kate moans involuntarily, pushing herself back against where she can feel him growing hard. When he drops down to his knees and pushes her dress up, running a finger along her through her panties, she keens.
“C’mon, brace yourself against the window. You’re gonna need the support.”
By the time they’re done, Kate thinks her handprints are permanently smudged on the window.
They make it back downstairs to catch the end of Violet's speech, their clothes placed back carefully and her hair fixed hastily in the bathroom mirror. They’d missed most of it, but they’re there when Violet tells the whole company that Anthony is all Edmund could’ve wanted and more to take over the reins. When Kate looks over at him, Anthony has tears in his eyes. She grabs his hand quickly, giving it a comforting squeeze that he returns.
December 18th, 2022
“What are you laughing at?” Anthony asks as Kate giggles softly at her phone, ignoring the Seinfeld episode Anthony put on as they wait for their post-sex pizza to arrive.
“Hyacinth texted me,” she responds, not looking up as she types out a response.
“About what?” Kate can hear the curiosity in his voice.
“That’s between me and Hyacinth.” She flashes a smile at him and Anthony scowls, put out.
“She's my sister,” he says, petulant.
“Well, then why don’t you ask her yourself?” Kate nudges the side of his thigh with her toes and he immediately pushes back. He reaches for her phone and Kate pulls away, giggling as the two of them play-wrestle for it.
He eventually grabs it from her with a huff, pulling up her most recent text thread. “Oh, it’s just about her birthday party.”
Kate snots at his genuine disappointment. “Hoping for something juicier, my lord?”
Anthony huffs as he hands her phone back to her. “She’s been fighting with Felicity and refuses to talk to me about it. Was maybe hoping you had some insight.”
Kate’s heart swells at the brotherly affection he’s displaying, clearly annoyed that he can’t do anything to fix this for his youngest sibling. “It can’t be that bad,” she reassures, “Pen said that she’s bringing Felicity with her on Sunday.”
Anthony opens his mouth to respond, but he’s cut off by her buzzer, alerting them to the pizza's arrival. When she arrived back with their dinner in tow, he seems to have moved on to another issue.
“So you’re coming to Hy’s party?”
Kate shoots him a confused look. “Of course, she invited me. Also, I think she’d be a bit offended if I went to Greg’s and not hers.”
Anthony hums in response. “I didn’t know she knew you that well. Or had your number.”
His line of questioning reminds Kate of that April soccer game so many months ago, where he badgered her about knowing his siblings. She had thought they were past that by now, but Anthony is acting strangely all of a sudden.
“I mean I see her all the time at Bridgerton events,” she says, speaking carefully as she tries to figure out how to navigate this. “She and Gregory come over sometimes to hang out with Newton too.”
Anthony whips his head towards her, a slice of pizza hanging forgotten in his hands. “You hang out without me?”
“Well, yeah,” she responds around a bite of pepperoni, “I was friends with your siblings before you, if you can remember.”
Scratching at his jaw, he says, “yeah, I guess so.”
At that lukewarm response, Kate decides the conversation is over and turns back to the TV, where Jerry and Kramer are arguing about keys.
-
Hyacinth’s birthday party is restricted by weather in a way her siblings’ weren’t, the icy streets and remnants of snow meaning her party is contained to the interior of Number 5. Normally, Kate would be grateful to be out of the harsh weather, but the hard surfaces and sleek interior of the Bridgerton home mean that the happy shrieks of her friends bounce around, amplifying in volume.
She’s immediately overwhelmed by it all when she walks in, the noise and the bodies running around reminding her of Edwina’s own 10th birthday, which had driven her to near tears. She walks briskly over to Anthony, whose stressed demeanor is unfortunately rendered hilarious by the bejeweled tiara on his head.
“Hey,” she greets, and Anthony looks immediately relieved when he notices her.
“Thank god you’re here. Sophie and Benedict are trying their best to entertain some of the hoard but Daphne is late and she’s bringing the games.” Anthony is fiddling with his signet ring, a clear sign that he’s anxious.
Kate reached out instinctively, stilling his hands by covering them with her own. “I don’t know how good I’ll be at entertaining tween girls but I can provide moral support.”
Despite her rather unimpressive offering, Anthony’s shoulders relax noticeably. “I need all the support possible. Colin’s as bad as the kids and the rest fucked off to God knows where when the first shrieks started.”
Reaching up to straighten his tiara, Kate smiles gently at him. “Well, my lord, unto the breach.” With a wink, she pulls him towards the chaos.
Together, they manage to corral most of the children into a large circle. Sophie quickly takes over, explaining the rules to some game she surely picked up through work. To Kate, it seems a little too complicated and involves a blindfold of some sort. The kids are enraptured, however, and there finally seems to be some calm over the party.
Hyacinth breaks off to come bounding up to Kate, hugging her tightly in greeting.
“KATE!” She nearly screams, “thanks so much for coming.”
Laughing, Kate returns the hug. “Thanks for inviting me, Hyacinth.”
“Of course I invited you; you’re Anthony’s girlfriend,” she says, with all her patented tact.
Kate’s blindsided by this. “Oh, um, no we’re not, it’s-”
“We’re just friends,” Anthony cuts in sharply, his tone leaving no room for argument.
Hyacinth tries anyway, “she’s obviously your girlfriend, Anthony, you took her to the company party. You don’t have to hide it from me like I’m a child. I know there’s a couples-only rule. Eloise was complaining about it.”
At this, Kate turns quickly on Anthony, who’s now steadfastly avoiding her gaze. She feels herself burn with anger. He lied to her, saying that one of his siblings was bound to take her. But none of them would, because it was partners only. Now that Kate thinks about it, Penelope hadn’t been there, though she knows Eloise would’ve loved to have her. Edwina hadn’t been invited either, nor were either John or Michael, though Francesca would’ve surely brought them. The only typical plus ones were Sophie and Simon.
“Well, as the boss, I don’t have to follow most of the rules.” Anthony’s voice sounds wooden, hollow, and Kate wants desperately to push the issue, to catch him when he’s too startled to evade questions. But she’s surrounded by his family, his baby sister right in front of them, so she knows now is not the time.
Instead, she fixes him with a questioning stare, urging him to meet her eyes. He doesn’t, though, and chooses instead to escort Hyacinth to the gifts table where she shakes all the presents to try and guess what they are.
Kate waits patiently throughout the party for an opportunity to speak to him. The closest she gets is while they’re passing out cake and she can corner him off to the side.
“What the fuck is this couples-only rule?” She whispers at him, hostility dripping from her voice.
“It’s not a big deal. Just some old-fashioned rule that we’ll probably get rid of.” He’s still not fucking looking at her and it infuriates Kate. He’s spent the last hour avoiding her, flitting through the crowd and speaking to anyone but her. She’s been stewing the whole time, her brain inventing wilder and wilder reasons for why he lied to her about this.
“But you haven’t gotten rid of the rule yet.” Her voice has a dangerous edge even to her. “Everyone there, and now your whole family, thinks we’re dating! Why the hell did you do this?” She just wants to understand, her anger giving way to desperation.
Anthony turns sharply towards her, his face carefully blank. “I am aware of what people think. I thought it would be obvious that we aren't together like that. I just wanted to get ambitious matchmakers off my back for the night, and it’s not like we didn’t have fun.”
Kate’s jaw drops a little bit, her brain stuck on the way he said ‘obvious’. “Right,” she says, keeping her voice even, “maybe you’ll have to put out a statement. A press release, titled Woman from Holiday Party Not Girlfriend, Just Fuck Buddy.”
“Well, that’s what this is right?” His eyes are steely as he gazes at her. She can hear a challenge in his voice, asking her to disagree.
“Right,” she agrees instead, her voice hard.
With that, Anthony leaves, getting absorbed back into the party. He goes back to ignoring her, and when Kate leaves, he doesn’t even say goodbye. There’s no conversation or text to coordinate meeting up later like they always do. Kate can’t help but feel like something broke between them, and she has no idea how or why.
December 31st, 2022
She doesn’t even know why she came to Anthony’s New Year’s Eve party. It’s not like he invited her; she hasn’t even heard from him since Hyacinth’s party, except for brief texts saying he’s busy or brushing her off. Kate only knows about it because Eloise asked if they could use her apartment to get ready, and Kate was too embarrassed to admit that she didn’t know about the party.
So, she’s pretty certain that she’s not welcome here, with no invitation or anything. But Anthony always has a good stock of alcohol, and apparently, you can see the ball drop from his private roof.
The last two weeks since Hyacinth's birthday have been...strange, to say the least. Her argument with Anthony had been stilted and confusing, full of unspoken sentiments and veiled meanings. She still doesn’t even really know what it all meant, just that it means that he’s been pretty much ignoring her ever since. A couple of days after the party, Kate had texted him, just the usual invite over. He brushed her off, claiming he was busy. Their text thread grew silent, none of the usual sharing of memes or messages about their days and families. He kept declining her requests to hang out, and all of a sudden Kate felt all the old insecurities bubble up.
She feels like an idiot, for not seeing it sooner. He clearly just grew tired of her, like every guy before. She pushed and pushed and pushed, unable to let anything go, and finally, he realized what everyone before him had: she isn’t worth it. Kate tries not to stew in it too much. It’s not like anything’s changed, that’s she’s learned anything new. She’s just confirmed her hypothesis about herself, and even this, the most causal relationship possible with a man terrified of intimacy, couldn’t stand up to her. So she ignores it all, the feeling of disappointment, how she misses him. She definitely ignores the text she got from Anthony two days ago: Sorry I’ve been MIA. Just had to figure some things out. I’ll explain soon.
She half expects that to mean she’ll see him with someone new on his arm, having found his perfect woman and getting ready to propose. Maybe it’ll even be Siena, the woman from his birthday. It’s a little farfetched, even in her paranoid brain, but Kate is still a bit surprised when she walks in and sees him solo, speaking excitedly about something with Colin, who looks equally enthusiastic. Anthony spots her as soon as she walks in, his eyes lighting up as he turns towards her. Penelope seems eager to take their invitation for conversation and starts leading their group toward the brothers. Kate, on the other hand, is desperate to avoid whatever conversation is about to happen about letting her down easy so he can start pursuing real options. She scans the crowd frantically, trying to find somewhere to go where he won’t follow. She spots it in the form of Simon and Daphe, speaking with Alice and Will.
Anthony still hasn’t fully forgiven his best friend and his sister, and she knows that whatever he wants to say isn’t worth the awkwardness of coming over to them. Plus, Kate liked Will and Alice the few times she spoke to them, and this is the perfect opportunity to get to know them better. A quick glance over her shoulder after she reaches the group confirms that Anthony isn’t coming over, and Kate relaxes.
She stays pretty much glued to Daphne for the rest of the night, and if the girl notices anything, she doesn't mention it. Kate’s only really alone a few times, like when she goes to get a drink or comes back from the bathroom. Anthony somehow manages to corner her on each of these occasions, as if he’s been watching her, waiting for an opening. Each time, she maneuvers her way out of the conversation, hurrying back to the safety Simon and Daphne provide. Briefly, she thinks that if he wasn’t being such a baby about the couple, he wouldn’t be having any issue talking to Kate.
Once they make it up to his freezing roof about 10 minutes before midnight, however, Kate can no longer stand being around her shields. Simon and Daphne have become unbearably gushy as they wait for the New Year, whispering and giggling to each other in their own private world. It makes Kate feel oddly jealous. Not of Daphne, though Simon is rather handsome, but of the easy, carefree love they clearly share.
She surveys the crowd for somewhere else to go, but it seems that most everyone has coupled up, the impending midnight kiss on their minds. She does see Eloise hanging by Edwina and her girlfriend, and Kate figures this is the perfect two birds with one stone situation. She can be distracted by Eloise and her sister will be grateful for giving her alone time with her girlfriend at midnight.
Kate is halfway across the roof when Anthony cuts into her line of sight, blocking her path. He crowds her, leaving her no room for escape, but she refuses to meet his eyes.
“Can you stop ignoring me for a sec so we can talk?” The question isn’t unkind, more teasing.
“Can I stop ignoring YOU?” That’s rich coming from him, unless he’s forgotten the last two weeks. “And what have the last couple of weeks been?”
“I was just…figuring something out. If you’d let me ex-“
“Right,” she cuts him off, “figuring something out. Is that something here? You gonna propose to her? Is it Siena again?”
“Wha-? No, no,” he states firmly. “I told you, Siena and I are just friends. We dated for like two months when we were 19 and idiots. But she’s just one of my oldest friends. She’s married,” he laughs a little at this, “to a lovely woman who was also at my birthday.”
“So why wasn’t I? At your birthday,” she clarifies. Kate has no idea why this is what she’s latching onto right now, at one of the most inconvenient times, when all she wants to do is escape.
If she’s being honest with herself, she’s never gotten over it. She had brushed it off back in September in an attempt to cling to the casualness of their situation. But it had hurt her, that he hadn’t considered her a friend back then. And they’ve spent so much time dancing around the ways they’ve hurt each other that there’s no time like the present to get into it, really get into it.
“If you and Siena aren’t like that anymore, why wasn’t I there?“ she continues when she gets no response. “Or were there other eligible bachelorettes present?”
Anthony clenches his jaw at the implication. “Kate, there was no one else. There hasn’t been since August. I didn’t invite you because I didn’t know how you’d react. I wasn’t sure you even LIKED me, in any way, much less in an attending-each-other’s-birthdays way. But believe me, I wanted you there; I almost asked you a million times.”
Kate laughs, a little bitterly. “We were friends. Anthony, we spent so much time together. Of course, I would’ve gone to your birthday. Which is why it’s really fucking mean of you to push me aside like this, with no warning or explanation.”
“That’s NOT what’s happening,” he insists. “Just talk to me for a bit.”
“It’s almost midnight” she offers weakly.
Ignoring her response, he surges on, “look, it’s just a few minutes. Let me talk and then we can welcome the New Year together?” He looks so sincere that she almost feels bad for trying to maneuver around him.
“I have to go to the bathroom, we can talk in a bit,” she lies, feeling only a little guilty about it.
“Kate, wait, just,” his arm makes an aborted move, as if he was going to grab her but thought better of it. “You’ll be back soon, right? Not skipping out on me?” He's affecting a causal air, teasing her, but his face belies some of his anxiety about it. It’s so confusing that she just snaps.
“Anthony, what the fuck is your problem? You ignore me for two weeks; I don’t see you, I don’t hear from you, and now, five minutes before midnight, you’re desperate for my company?” Kate’s head hurts from it all. His freezing rooftop is numbing her feet through her shoes, and Kate is trying to keep her voice down to not attract the attention of the others.
He furrows his eyebrows, pouting a little. “Kate,” this time he does reach for her but Kate steps out of his reach. He frowns outright, continuing with conviction, “I want to be with you at midnight because the person you’re with at midnight is the person you’re with for the rest of the year. My parents shared a kiss every New Year’s.”
Kate is tired and confused and a little bit drunk, but mostly, she’s over trying to figure out what the hell Anthony Bridgerton ever means. “You’re making no sense. I’m leaving,” Kate brushes past him towards the door.
“Kate, wait!” She hears Anthony shout behind her, and then he grabs her arm, pulling her towards him. She thinks faintly that they must be making a scene. “What I’m trying, and failing, to say, is that I love you.” He’s looking at her with sincerity and warmth, as if what he’s just said hasn’t knocked Kate's entire world off her axis.
She knows it’s not true, that it can’t be true. He’s deluding himself because he’s never slept with the same person for this long. Or had been friends with her while sleeping together. He had told her, multiple times, that love has no place in his life, that he isn’t interested in it, and here he is, lying to her, for what? Is this another part of their game? Does he think she’d forget his list for a perfect wife, point after point that she misses?
“Kate?” His voice is soft, colored by confusion. He’s still holding her arm, and when she looks up, he’s staring down at her, a furrow in his brow. Kate can feel her breath picking up, her heart racing as her brain enters fight or flight. She chooses.
“I have to go,” she forces out, and then she turns as quickly as possible, racing down the stairs and into Anthony’s apartment.
Originally, she was just planning on retreating for a little bit to gather her thoughts. Subconsciously, she makes her way to Anthony’s room, sinking onto the bed and trying to calm her breathing. Once she feels a bit steadier, she looks up and spots it. The fucking bear from Dave and Buster’s, still sitting there on his chair in the corner of the room. It feels like it’s mocking her, watching her act like a fool from its place of honor. It flips a switch in her and she surges out of the room, desperate to leave.
She’s searching frantically for her bag when she spots, of all people, Penelope Featherington on the floor of the guest bedroom.
“Pen?” The girl starts, and relief washes over her face when she realizes it’s just Kate. “What are you doing here?”
“Hiding,” Penelope sounds just like Kate feels: exhausted.
“What a coincidence,” Kate plops herself down next to her, “I’m hiding too. Who are you avoiding?”
Penelope averts her gaze at this question, a blush flooding her face. “Colin,” she answers, her voice barely above a whisper. Kate has no idea why Pen would be hiding from one of her best friends and the probable love of her life, but she’s in no place to judge, so she simply nods.
“I’m hiding from Anthony.” At this, Penelope does look at Kate, clearly confused. Blessedly, she asks no follow-up questions. They’re in this together, it seems. That gives Kate an idea.
“How about this,” she begins, “I help you avoid Colin in the foreseeable future if you help me avoid Anthony. Any event, we have each other’s backs.”
She smiles at this. “That sounds like a plan.”
And as midnight hits with Kate sitting next to Penelope Feathrington, Kate thinks that this year is bound to be interesting at least.
January
Kate thinks constantly about New Year’s Eve. She replays the moment on the roof with Anthony over and over again before she’s not sure what’s real and what’s been invented by her brain. Did he try to kiss her before he told her? Did he look sincere or like he was joking? Did he do it because he thought she was a fool who would be willing to marry him even though he promised to never love anyone?
In addition to these questions, she thinks about what she should’ve said to him. Like ‘you can’t,’ or ‘you promised me you wouldn’t’ or, the worst one that she doesn’t even think to herself, ‘I love you too.’ What she doesn’t do, however, is voice any of these questions or responses to Anthony himself.
Kate avoids any and all mentions of Bridgerton she can once the New Year starts. This time, though, she doesn’t get any comments from the siblings or their plus ones about it. She assumes that Anthony told them everything that’s happened, and for once, they’re respecting someone’s privacy.
Anthony does reach out to her a few times. He called her incessantly the first hour after that New Year's Party, leaving a couple messages begging her to call him back. He also texted her that first week, a barrage of messages that started with ‘Kate I’m so sorry please call me so we can talk about this’ and ended with ‘when you feel ready, just call me or text me or something. Please.’ Kate has no desire to sit across from Anthony as he explains how he was drunk or confused or possessed by a spirit, whatever his excuse will end up being. Even less does she want to sit across from him as he tries to convince her, and himself, that he means it.
Instead, her New Year passes quietly. She heads back to Jersey for a bit for some time with Mary and Edwina before Eddie’s semester starts. Her birthday is in early January, and even though most of the Bridgertons know something is up, she still spends a good chunk of the day texting them back. (The only one she doesn’t respond to is the one from Anthony: ‘happy birthday, Kate. Hope it’s a good one’). That evening, she gets together with her sister, Eloise, Penelope, and Sophie. They eat dinner on the floor of her apartment, passing around a bottle of rose and cracking each other up. It’s Kate’s best birthday in a while.
It’s that night that she also learns what happened between Penelope and Colin. It’s late, after Eddie and Eloise headed to Kate's room to crash and Sophie got picked up by Ben. The two girls are sitting in silence, both clearly trying to forget something.
“So,” Kate starts, passing Pen a new beer, “you tell me what happened between you and Colin and I’ll tell you about Anthony.” She’s always preferred the more direct path.
Penelope squeaks at this, red rising to her cheeks. After taking a big swing from the beer, she agrees. “Okay, but you first.”
Taking a deep breath in, Kate begins. She leaves out some of it, like the way they bonded over their shared trauma and some of the way they spoke to each other. It felt a little too private, and a lot of it isn’t even her own to share. She definitely doesn’t mention the magnet theory. But mostly, she bares it all to the sweet girl sitting next to her on the couch. It feels incredible to finally tell something about all of it. Kate hadn’t realized what a burden or was keeping it from everyone, even her sister.
When she’s done, Penelope is looking at her curiously. “Don’t you think,” she starts before Kate cuts her off.
“Look, if you don’t want me to judge you about whatever it is with Colin, you don’t get to judge me about Anthony.”
That shuts the girl up. She takes in a deep breath before speaking, barely above a whisper. “Colin kissed me at midnight.”
In Kate’s opinion, she has no idea how that would be a bad thing in Pen’s mind. But they have a no judgment pact.
“And that was unwelcome?” She asks, treading carefully.
Penelope brings her hands up to her face in despair. “Afterwards, he told me how great it is that we can have a friendship like this. I thought he was finally making a move or something. I felt so foolish, and he could see it on my face. He told me he was sorry for kissing me, sorry for leading me on, I guess. It was humiliating.”
Kate can feel her heart break for her friend, reaching out to place a comforting hand on her soldier. Their problems, she muses, are opposites of each other. Her boy has too much love and Pen’s has too little.
“Well he’s a real fucking idiot,” she offers, “and I will gladly run interference on him whenever needed.”
Penelope offers her a grateful, if a tad watery, smile. “And I will keep you away from Anthony. You shouldn’t be forced to talk to him about this if you’re not ready.”
Kate bites her tongue to keep from confessing that she’s not sure she’ll ever be ready and instead offers her thanks and her couch for the girl to sleep on for the night.
-
Now that she’s not spending half her week with Anthony and the other half at various Bridgerton gatherings, Kate realizes that she’s been neglecting her sister a little bit. They get lunch a couple of weeks into January, and Kate’s embarrassed to admit that she knows almost nothing about Eddie’s new classes or her girlfriend. Vowing to fix it, they spend the whole lunch talking about anything and everything (except Anthony, about whom Kate just told Edwina that they were done and refused to answer any other questions). Lunch turns into a marathon session of Project Runway at Kate’s apartment, which then turns into them trying to recreate Mary’s matar paneer recipe with nothing other than vibes and the ingredients in her kitchen. They end up having to Facetime Mary in panic when they burn the cumin seeds and can’t find any fresh curry leaves.
Later, as they're passing pad thai, ordered in defeat, back and forth, Edwina adopts a more solemn expression. “I’ve really missed you, didi,” she says, looking down at her food.
Kate’s heart breaks a little at this, feeling so stupid for ever losing sight of this and what really matters. “I’m sorry, beta. Things with Anthony just got so... all-consuming. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.”
Edwina peers at her discerningly, clearly somewhat concerned. “Do you want to talk about it?” Her tone is careful.
“Not now. Maybe one day, but uh, not yet. I can’t yet.” Kate feels herself growing emotional at the situation that she hasn’t even fully processed and is grateful when Eddie takes the cue to change the topic, chatting easily about her new professor.
-
Despite avoiding most Bridgertons, Kate hasn’t been able to shake Eloise. She doesn’t think she ever will be able to; the girl is always in her apartment. Kate doubts that Anthony’s told his sister about anything that’s happened, but Eloise has seemingly taken Kate’s side in the whole situation. She doubts it’s because of any merits on her part but more as a way for Eloise to act out against Anthony. Regardless, Kate is grateful that she hasn’t lost her. She knows it’s a bit selfish, that if Eloise knew the whole truth, she could very likely have chosen Anthony. But she can’t bring herself to regret hanging out with the girl.
Overall, she starts the new year much like how she started the last one, with an almost identical social circle and responsibilities. It’s like her year if flitting in and out of Bridgerton gatherings was meaningless, with nothing concrete to remind her of it.
January 21st, 2023
“You’re coming to my birthday, right?” Benedict doesn’t even give Kate time to say hello before pressing her. She immediately regrets answering the call.
“Of course, I'm coming; why wouldn’t I be?” Guilt gnaws at Kate as she tries to sound nonchalant.
He scoffs, “well, considering your disappearing act of late, you’ll have to forgive me for assuming the worst.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the protest sounds weak even to Kate.
She can practically hear the patented Bridgerton eye roll in Ben’s response, “even if we hadn’t noticed the distinct lack of Kate Sharma recently, Anthony’s mood has made it all too easy to miss your presence.”
Kate’s stomach swoops at the mention of Anthony. The fact that he seems to be affected by her and her cold shoulder rocks her a bit. She expected he’d move on quickly, to realize that he had deluded himself into thinking he loved her.
“Fine, sorry,” she apologizes quickly, “and yes, I will be there, of course. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Honestly, she was definitely planning on missing it. If it wasn’t for Benedict’s personal invite, she would’ve made up a flimsy excuse and spent the evening watching Riverdale with Newton. Now, though, she has to drag herself through a beauty routine, wrap a gift, and go to Benedict’s party at a bar in the Village that Anthony will surely be at.
She texts Penelope frantically as she’s getting ready, trying to come up with a strategy for the two of them. They determine that their best bet is to stick together, and Kate will be on Colin duty while Penelope handles the Anthony front. If they see one of them approach, they’ll head him off and make sure there are no unwanted interactions.
It’s not a perfect plan. There are only two of them, and Kate has a feeling that most of the other siblings will be trying to push the brothers toward them. But it works for the most part. It helps, too, that Kate and Penelope get along so well. They’re kindred souls, in a sense, both women expecting to live their days out mostly alone, but being dragged in by the Bridgertons regardless.
They’re sitting off to the side of the group, Kate listening as Penelope complains about her new editor, when she spots him. Colin, pushing his way through the crowd with purpose. Noticing him quickly, she excuses herself from Penelope and heads over to avert a crisis.
“Colin, hi, I haven’t seen you in ages,” she greets him, attempting to hold his attention long enough for Penelope to find a way out.
“Hi, Kate, nice to see you,” he answers, clearly distracted.
“How have you been? Work good?” She gestures for him to follow her to the bar for a new drink, and his ingrained high-class manners mean he does so without a second thought, even though Kate can tell he’d rather be somewhere else.
“Yes, yes, it’s good. Have you seen Penelope?” he asks, though Kate knows it’s for politeness only. He definitely saw them come in together and spend the whole evening talking.
“Hmm, I think I spotted her a few times, but I’m not sure where she is now,” she lies, feeling a little bad when his face falls.
“Right,” he clearly does not believe her, “if you do see her, can you ask her why she’s ignoring me? I just want to talk to her.”
Kate softens at his dejected demeanor. “Look, Colin,” she starts, sincere, “she’ll talk to you when she’s ready.” It’s not much, but it’s all she can offer him now without betraying Penelope.
She leaves him with a small smile and a new drink, heading back to where she came from. She curses when she realizes that Pen has moved and starts scanning the bar for her short friend. Unfortunately, the brief moment of hesitation is enough for Anthony to find his way to her.
“Kate, can we talk?” he asks, with no preamble.
“Maybe later,” she offers curtly, “I’m looking for Penelope.”
“She can survive a minute without you. We need to talk.”
“Do we?” Kate tries to push past him but he holds firm, and she doesn’t want to make a scene.
“Of course we do,” he says emphatically. He’s looking at her so earnestly that it overwhelms her. She feels out of her depth.
“Sorry, I don’t have time for pompous assholes with too much money to know how to interact with regular society.” She’s aiming for the jugular, being purposefully mean in a way she hasn’t been since before she really knew him, as if it will remind him of who she is, force them into a dynamic from long ago.
Anthony, however, sees right through it and doesn’t let her deflect. “What is going on? Why are you pushing me, pushing us, away?” There’s genuine distress in his voice
“I’m just trying to return us to normal, to before. You guys survived a long time without Kate Sharma, you can continue on without me.” She can feel anxiety crawl up her throat and desperately wants to escape. Where the hell is Penelope?
“I don’t want to continue on without you.” he looks bewildered at her suggestion, offended even.
“Okay, fine, we can start sleeping together again. It was fun.” She goes for nonchalance, ignoring the general vibe of the conversation in an attempt to feign disaffectiedness
“Kate, what are you talking about?”
“Can’t we just, I don’t know, go back to how it was before?” Kate can hear the desperation in her voice, a plea for normalcy.
“Go back? Kate,” Anthony fixes her with a firm stare, “I am in love with you. I can’t just go back and pretend I’m not.”
“But you AREN’T,” Kate feels like she’s spiraling, grasping for straws. “I know you aren’t. You told me, so many times, that you’ll never be in love.”
“Things change,” Anthony’s voice has remained calm, assured, even as Kate can feel herself growing more frantic. “I fell in love with you. I didn’t mean to, I don’t even know when, but I did. That’s why I freaked out so much after Hyacinth made that comment, because she saw something I didn’t even want to admit to myself. It’s why I was always trying to put distance between us; I could feel how powerful this is but couldn’t handle it, didn’t want to believe it. But running from it is useless because it’s true; you have to know it’s true.”
“Anthony,” his name comes out more like a breath, and hope sparks across his face at this. “What about your list? I don’t think I hit many of those requirements for a wife. Certainly not an acceptable personality.” Honestly, it’s all she’s been able to think about since that holiday party. How out of place she was among the world of Anthony Bridgerton, all fancy office buildings, and influential people.
Anthony starts a little at this, clearly not expecting her to bring it up. As if I could forget it, she thinks. “That list was stupid and you know it. You were the first one to point it out to me,” he adds with a grin, clearly thinking that he’s gotten to the root of her objections.
But Kate’s neuroses can always go deeper. “It’s just,” her thoughts are swirling, getting scrambled by his magnetic field. “Aren’t you scared?” She asks so quietly, without even realizing she voiced the thought. Anthony’s face shifts into something more concerned and before he can answer, she speaks again. “We wouldn’t be good together. You know that. We’re like, it’s like magnets. We’re too similar; what’s between us is too strong. We wouldn’t last.” And with that, Kate leaves him, desperate to find Penelope.
February
February 12th, 2023
edwina: why aren’t you at the bridgerton super bowl party?
edwina: colin said you told him you had other plans but i know that’s not true
edwina: is this because of anthony? whatever happened with him isn’t a reason to ignore your other friends. he’s just been sitting here moping in silence the whole time anyway. you should’ve come, el is much worse at explaining the rules than you
Kate stares at the messages from her sister, guilt swirling in her stomach. She knows she has to tell her about Anthony, about all of it. Even if she doesn’t offer it up willingly, Eddie is never going to let this go. She had been under the impression that Kate and Anthony had just stopped sleeping together, not that Kate is now avoiding any Bridgerton gathering she can. She knows Edwina is disappointed in her, can tell from her text, but she can’t help but think her sister is wrong. They’re not Kate’s friends; they’re Anthony’s siblings. And when it comes down to it, they’ll all be on Anthony’s side. Her continued invitations to these things are a small courtesy at this point, and she knows in a few months, those will fade, along with everything else.
So when Edwina lets herself into Kate’s apartment after the game, instead of distracting her, Kate grabs two cups of chai and sits next to her little sister on the couch. She starts stilted at first, unsure of what to include and what to leave out. It’s all so massive, confusing and tangled up, that she doesn’t know how to tell the story without getting lost in the weeds. But the whole time, her sister is watching her patiently, gripping her hand tightly in reassurance. Kate is overcome with love for her sister, the kindest and most understanding person she knows.
It feels relieving to speak to Edwina about this. She hadn’t realized how much she was keeping bottled up from everyone, and how much it had taken a toll on her to keep something like this from the most important person in her life.
When she’s finally done, her throat is dry from talking and from the tears she’s holding back. Edwina is looking at her with both sympathy and worry, both their mugs untouched on the coffee table.
“I don’t understand,” Edwina begins carefully, “he’s in love with you, and that’s a bad thing? Don’t you love him too?”
Kate sighs. “Even if, and that’s a big if, I loved him back, I couldn’t give him what he wants. He needs a good woman, a proper woman, for his life. I don’t fit in his world. Eddie, you should’ve seen that holiday party. One conversation with an important editor and I’d put my foot in my mouth to the point where it could hurt his career. He’ll see it, eventually. How we don’t go together.
“Oh, Kate,” Edwina breathes out, “even if that’s true, isn’t it for him to decide? If he thinks you fit into his life?”
There’s a lump in the back of her throat now. “I just,” she chokes out, “I don’t think I could handle it if he ever decided I don’t anymore. It’s easier just to never start than to have to start and stop.”
“Katie,” Edwina pulls her older sister into her arms, letting Kate cry quietly on her shoulder for a bit. Kate can’t remember the last time she’s done that, if she’s ever even done it. Letting her sister be the comforter, the strong one, has never been something she’s been willing to do.
After Kate’s cried out most of it, Edwina leans back a bit.
“Kate,” she says, a little more firmly, touching her hand to Kate’s chin to get her to look at her. “I know saying this isn’t going to radically change this perspective you have of yourself, but I have to try anyway. You are the most amazing person I know and you do not deserve to have this terrible perception of yourself. You’re strong and kind and hilarious and any guy would be lucky to have you. Even if, and that’s a big if, Anthony isn’t that guy, someone else will come along and see you. You need to be better at letting people in. it’s unfair to assume they won’t like you without giving them a shot.”
“Gee, when did my baby sister get so smart?” Kate’s voice is a little watery but she’s proud it holds up.
“I dunno, but I hear she’s an Ivy Leaguer.”
She and Edwina stay up until midnight, her sister distracting her with stories about classes and episodes of crappy TV. As she gets ready for bed, she decides to call out of work the next day and head down to see Mary for some relaxation. Eddie, who doesn’t have classes on Monday, decides to come along as well.
Kate spends most of the morning and the train ride thinking about what Edwina had told her last night. She supposes it is a bit unfair to assume everyone out of the gate will find her to be too much, unpalatable. In fact, most of the people she’s met this past year have liked her. Granted, most of those people had been Bridgertons, but still. Even the ‘strays’, as Penelope calls them, welcomed her with open arms.
She also tries, and fails, to avoid thinking about Anthony and her situation. If it wasn’t so depressing, it would actually be funny. How she was so worried about falling for Anthony and him not being able to handle it when it’s really the other way around. She had scoffed at his ideas of marriage, thought it sounded miserable when he said he wanted to avoid love, but now, faced with diving headfirst into a relationship that could mean everything to her, she’s running. Even if he does love her, if he’s radically changed his perspective on the whole thing, it feels so dangerous. That he could decide, at any point, to just leave her.
If Mary is surprised that her two daughters showed up, unannounced, on a random Monday in February with their overnight bags in tow, she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she ushers them in quickly, plying them with some idlis and sambar, and fills them in on the most recent gossip from the aunties. Kate hasn’t let someone care for her in this way in so long. It comforts her immediately, the familiar warmth of her childhood home putting her at ease.
After lunch, they head over to the tea shop to do some inventory. She feels like a child again, watching over Mary’s shoulder as she carefully measures tea blends. Kate spends the better part of an hour creating a new chalk drawing for the blackboard sign Mary keeps on the sidewalk. It’s something she used to do all the time when the store first opened nearly 15 years ago. Her dad would bring her in once a week to design something new, saying that he wanted the shop to really earn the “& Family” part of the name “Sharma & Family”. As she looks down at the finished product, Kate can’t even remember why she stopped doing it. When they leave, she promises Mary that she’ll be back next week with a new one for the new specials.
After stopping at Kate’s favorite pizza place for dinner, they head home. Kate begs off to go upstairs, saying she’s exhausted from the day. It’s not a lie; she’s emotionally drained, and as healing as the day has been, she just wants to lie down.
Kate suspects Edwina told Mary something, because when she comes to Kate's door that evening, she actually knocks. She’s had a habit of just barging into Kate’s room since she was a tween, often insisting the door remained open. In one instance, when Kate was 14 and already mad at Mary for not letting her pierce her nose, she slammed the door in her face, screaming ‘you’re not my mom!’ Kate had instantly regretted it, and kept the door open constantly from then on, as a peace offering.
Now, though, Mary hesitantly raps on the door frame, looking at Kate in question.
“Mary, you can come in.” She closes the door behind her, an action that causes Kate to raise her eyebrows, before settling on the bed next to her.
“Edwina told me about you and Anthony,” Mary opens, carefully.
“Mary, it’s not that big of a deal.”
She shoots Kate a look that only mothers can achieve. “Granted, she did not tell me everything, but it sounds like a pretty big deal, Katie. He loves you!”
“No, he doesn’t.” The protest sounds weak even to Kate’s ears at this point, and Mary clearly is not buying it.
“If you’re shutting him out because you don’t return his feelings, then I can understand. But if it’s because you’re scared then I think we need to talk.” Mary takes Kate’s silence as an answer and continues. “You were so strong after your father died, and though I am grateful for it every day, I wish desperately you didn’t have to be. I wish that you didn’t have to learn, at the tender age of 17, to shut yourself off from the world. Because Kate, my darling Kathani, you deserve all the love in the world. And you deserve to not be afraid.”
“How did you do it?” she’s whispering at this point. “How did you pick yourself up every day after Appa died? How am I supposed to do that if he leaves?”
“Oh, beta, you just do. You have to. I loved your father very much, and I still do. I took the risk when I married him, and I am grateful that he was willing to take the risk again, too. Not only did that give me him, but it gave me you.”
“I just don’t know if I can.”
Mary sighs and cups Kate’s face in her hand. “I just hope that one day, you can see that it’s worth it.”
Kate sleeps fitfully that night, and when she wakes up early to catch the train to work, Mary’s words are still rolling around in her head. It also doesn’t help that it’s Valentine’s Day, even NJ Transit overflowing with sappy couples and cheesy romance. As she watches someone propose on the C train platform at Penn Station (the least romantic place possible, in her (slightly) jaded opinion), she seriously debates with herself if she thinks Anthony is worth it. These past few months with him were incredible. They had an easy relationship, relating to one another naturally. She already gets along famously with his family and obviously, the sex is amazing. But she still feels like she can’t nail him down. He’s always been so hot and cold with her, especially in those early months. She doesn’t want to give him any more power over her unless she can get some answers from him. And she’s still pretty terrified of that conversation.
None of this is helped by the text message she receives that night at 11:34 p.m.: If this is about you being scared, please just talk to me. I’m scared too. We can do this together.
February 20th, 2023
Penelope calls on a Saturday, frantically asking her if she’s free on Monday before letting Kate says hello.
“Yeah, I’m free. It’s President’s Day, so the company has off. What’s up?” Kate asks, though she has a feeling it’s Bridgerton related from the crazed edge in Pen’s voice.
“There’s a Bridgerton Media Group volunteer day at a YMCA in Harlem, and I need you to go.”
“Isn’t it MLK Day that’s for service?” Maybe she has the holidays mixed up, but Kate has never heard of President’s Day being the one for community service.
“Yeah, but Edmund started using most holiday Mondays for service,” Penelope explains. “They do this on Columbus Day and Memorial Day, too. So you have to come since I will be required as an employee of the company.” Kate can hear the unspoken implication that she has to go to protect her from Colin.
Sighing, Kate agrees, “okay, send me the details. What are we doing there anyway?”
“We’re helping them repaint a few rooms. Maybe you and Ben can do something fun!”
Penelope sounds so eager that Kate can’t bring herself to tell the girl that she and Ben aren’t really speaking much anymore. It’d be hard for Penelope to understand; even if she never spoke to Colin again, she’s been an honorary Bridgerton for most of her life. She’ll always be welcome at gatherings, having been Eloise’s best friend since they were in diapers. But for Kate, she’s the new interloper. Easily forgotten and relatively inconsequential. Honestly, if it weren’t for her pact with Penelope, Kate doesn’t know if she’d ever see another Bridgerton again. Even Eloise’s visits to her apartment have become less frequent in the recent weeks.
All in all, Kate is only a little annoyed that she’s taking the 3 train uptown at 9:00 a.m. on her Monday off. She likes volunteering, and she likes painting, so really, the only downside is when she walks in and spots Anthony at the check-in table. He’s clearly surprised to see her, but recovers quickly, handing her a t-shirt and some painting supplies.
“Kate,” he starts, reaching out to her.
She gives him a wide breadth as she passes by him, offering over her shoulder, “not right now.” He visibly relaxes at that. It is more than she’s offered to him before. Maybe there’s even a kernel of truth in it.
Kate’s relieved that she’s been assigned the same room as Penelope, greeting the girl with a wave. Benedict is also assigned to the playroom, and he immediately pulls her into a hug, smearing purple paint across her crisp, new BMG shirt.
“Thank God you’re here,” he says as he pulls away, “no one here understands my artistic vision.”
Kate laughs, “you have a vision for this children’s playroom?”
“You don’t?” He shoots her a look in mock offense.
She’s grateful that Ben seems willing to ignore how MIA she’s been lately. He also doesn’t seem to want to bring up how she left his birthday early last month, rushing out shortly after her conversation with Anthony. Kate is almost positive his brother has filled Benedict in on everything, and she’s thankful that he’s not treating her any different. It is nice to have a friend here who isn’t another woman hellbent on avoiding a Bridgerton brother.
The two of them work in tandem for most of the room. Kate ropes Penelope in under the guise that they need her short stature to get the baseboard. The girl is clearly more at ease around them, though, especially with Colin making a mess in the corner with Hyacinth.
Considering the whole nature of their plan, Kate has no reason to be on guard when Colin approaches her at the lunch break and asks for her help grabbing the pizzas that have just been delivered. In fact, to Kate, this seems perfect. She keeps him away from Penelope and avoids the other room where Anthony is.
It isn’t until Colin leads her to the staff room and leaves her there alone to go tip the delivery guy that Kate begins to suspect something. They never even got the food, and it’s not like Colin to forget something like that. Her suspicions are confirmed when Anthony, not Colin, walks in a few minutes later, closing the door behind him.
“Did you guys plan this?” Kate’s more annoyed at herself for not noticing the scheme than at the brothers for executing it. She hopes poor Penelope is holding up okay.
“Kate, I just want to talk to you. Actually talk, just us, laying everything on the table.” He takes a few steps toward her, but maintains a respectful distance between them.
“Okay, so talk.” No way in hell is she going first.
“There’s not much for me to say that I haven’t already,” he begins, speaking carefully and gently. “I’m in love with you Kate, and I want to try this. I don’t know why you think I’m not, if you think I’m lying or confused, but I do. And I think we could be really fucking good if you let us.”
Anthony is being so vulnerable that Kate has no choice but to reciprocate.
“You may think that you love me, hell, maybe you do love me, but it’ll change. You’ll stop.”
“Why would it change?” He’s clearly confused.
“Because it has for everyone else. I’m too much, Anthony. You’re going to get tired of me and I know I’m not worth sticking through it for.” There it is, her deepest insecurities laid bare for him.
“You’re too much?” he asks, incredulous. “Have you met me? I threw a temper tantrum because I lost a game for children from the 18th century. Kate,” he rushes forward and grasps her hands, “you can never be too much for me. I love when you argue, when you push me. You’re the only person I’ve ever met who gets me, gets this. I know that when you push, it’s not to be an asshole. I don’t do it to be an asshole either. It’s how we communicate, right? Every conversation is a competition, but it’s not a bad thing. We understand each other. How could I think you’re too much when you’re all the best parts of me?”
“Why’d you ignore me before New Year’s?” she asks, not beating around the bush. If he really means it, he can handle her like this. “Why did you spend so long being such an asshole to me?”
“I was an asshole to you in the beginning because you’re the first person in a long time who’s seen through me, who understands me.” He is taking her questions in stride, never faltering. “As I’m sure you remember, I have a lot of unresolved issues around love and relationships. I was so scared of it all, of falling in love with you and it ending, in any way. You just pierced through everything, all the bullshit, with your sledgehammer approach to life, and it fucking terrified me. Because I knew it was only a matter of time before you got to me. I couldn't let myself fall in love with you.
“I thought we had a good thing going, sleeping together without any real commitment. I knew it was selfish, but it seemed like a good way to have you in my life without dragging you into the whole dumpster fire that is me. But obviously, that didn't work. The reason I freaked out so much after Hyacinth’s birthday is because I realized how attached my family had become to you. All of them, every single one, loves you, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I fucked that all up by sleeping with you. When you eventually left, when you realized that I’m not worth it, they would all be devastated. And before, when you were just Eloise’s roommate’s sister, and they didn’t know about us, it was fine. But once Hyacinth knew, I realized that when you inevitably leave, they’ll all know it was my fault. And they’d all hate me, for driving such a wonderful person from their life.”
“Anthony,” Kate cuts in, pausing his spiral, “they were rather attached to me before we started sleeping together.” She tries to keep her tone gentle and not judgemental.
“Yes, I know, but that party, I upended their whole conception of you. It made me think about how I never brought girlfriends around my youngest siblings in case they got attached. And here I was, bringing you around. Because that’s what you were. My girlfriend. Even if we couldn’t admit it to each other, we were functionally in a relationship. And realizing that made me freak out, I’m man enough to say. There I was, having sworn off love, head over heels for a woman that, if she left or something happened, it would destroy not only me but my whole family. So I panicked a bit, thinking about how I’ve doomed myself, you, my family, to having to inevitably suffer through another terrible loss.
“But then I thought about it more, truly thought about it, and I remembered what you said to me in the garden after I was an absolute dick to you. That it’s all worth it; that I shouldn’t regret it. Because I love you, and I wish to spend my life with you. No matter what happens between us or to us, that makes it all worth it. If I get to love you for the rest of your days, or if I never see you again, it would’ve all been worth it. Because I get to love you, Kate Sharma, the most amazing woman on the planet. And I get to carry that love with me for the rest of my life, and I know, I know, you feel something too. And if you just let yourself, it will all be worth it. Love is worth it, you are worth it, we are worth it.”
There are tears on Anthony’s face now, and she can feel them in her eyes too, blurring her vision. Of course he can take her own words and turn them on her. She’s been such a fucking idiot. She wishes, suddenly, that they were anywhere but in a fucking rundown YMCA staff room. But really, it wouldn’t be them if they weren’t somewhere ridiculous. So, embracing it, she launches herself at him.
The kiss is messy; Anthony is caught off guard and they’re both teary enough that she can taste the salt on his lips. But it’s also perfect. They settle into their familiar rhythm easily, his hand cradling the back of her neck as she grasps his shoulders. The pace is slow, loving, and she feels warm all over.
“Wait, wait,” Kate breaks away and she sees worry start to form on his face. She reaches up to smooth the crinkle between his eyebrows and he visibly relaxes at her touch. “Anthony, I love you too. With all future and all my present and an embarrassing amount of my past. I’m sorry for running from you and I’m sorry for wasting so much of our time.” She knows how much he values time.
Anthony smiles softly, dropping a kiss on her forehead, then her cheek, ending with one at the corner of her mouth. “Don’t worry about time, love, we have so much ahead of ourselves.” And then he pulls her into another kiss, promises of the future flowing through it.
When they finally pull apart and start to make their way back, Kate remembers how they ended up in the room in the first place.
“Wait, how did you and Colin figure us out?”
Anthony barks out a laugh. “Please, neither you nor Penelope are very good at being duplicitous. We could see your act from a mile away.”
Kate huffs in indignation, but it’s more for show. She knows he’s right; she’s never been a very good liar. “So where’d they go?”
“They got relegated to the closet, where I’m sure Colin is giving a much less eloquent speech.”
“I can’t believe you made them take the closet. Poor Colin probably can’t even stand up straight! AND he’s missing lunch!”
“This is really what you’re concerned about right now? He got the closet because he fucked up worse.”
Rolling her eyes, Kate concedes, “fine, that’s fair.”
“Sorry, did you mean oh you’re so right Anthony, you’re such a genius?” He makes his voice high-pitched and breathy in a rather inaccurate imitation of Kate.
Instead of answering, she flips him off, brushing ahead of him to burst into the cafeteria, where everyone else has gathered for lunch. Well, everyone but Penelope and Colin, Kate notices.
Anthony laughs, loud and uninhibited, at her display. He follows her in, settling around her as they approach the pizza. He has no qualms, it seems, in wrapping himself around her, peppering kisses down her neck. As she goes down the line, he requests his preferred pizza slices, clearly planning on sharing a plate. And if Anthony doesn't care about the way everyone is watching them, then Kate can’t find it in her to care either. When they sit down across from Benedict and Sophie, she nuzzles her face in his neck, kissing him briefly before whispering “I love you” in his ear. Anthony’s face becomes immediately sappy and he captures her lips in a soft kiss.
Across from them, Eloise gags. “God, are you guys gonna be like this all the time? This is somehow worse than before.”
Anthony simply flips her off and Kate laughs softly into his shoulder. She has a feeling that they’ll be hearing that a lot.
“Sorry, El, it seems I’m now his permanent plus one.”