Work Text:
Everything was fine a few days before this. He didn't feel like this and didn't expect to feel like this today either. He was feeling fine earlier today but he just started feeling so empty as the stars started filling the sky.
It was now 1 A.M. and everyone else in the neighborhood was sleeping including his boyfriend. They would usually share rooms but they also set up a separate room for himself when he would feel like escaping from people. He absolutely loves his boyfriend but sometimes, being in the same presence as other person was just too much and uncomfortable. Tonight was the night where it was exactly that.
Aesop had his specific playlist on Spotify that wouldn't make him annoyed when he was in this mood but it didn't get him out of it either. He would admit that yes, it's probably unhealthy to keep feeling like this for many years but he didn't like (maybe even want) change either. This feeling as been with him for as long as he could remember. He couldn't even remember what it feels like to never have had this feeling. It's just been growing with him and hasn't ever left.
He huffs as he's already cleared his canvas of his drawing for the 10th time. He wants to draw but he just can't draw anything right. He was frustrated. He decided to close his tablet and skip drawing to feel less empty.
He listens to his songs as he lays on the soft carpet that he and Eli went shopping for a few months ago. The carpet had some large stuffed animals as well as cushions to lay his head against, and some blankets placed on the side. He didn't shower yet so he felt too dirty to lay on his bed. That was another thing he always thought was weird about him. His bed was like a clean (not really too clean either) and safe spot where he only found fit if he showered and wore his pair of slippers that were specifically for after showers only. (He wouldn't even let Eli lay on it until he showered too.) Sometimes he wonders why and when he became like his. He's not really afraid of germs but the thought of him just lying on his bed with his blankets after a day of being out of bed just felt so wrong. Even if he stayed in their apartment for the whole day, he would still feel dirty enough to shower before settling in his bed. Maybe there's something wrong with him. He wouldn't be surprised if there was.
He was just so empty but why....? He doesn't know what caused him to get into this mood. It just happened and sometimes he hates that he feels like this but he also finds comfort in being so empty. He thinks that's his (maybe) depression talking.
But that's also you at this point isn't it?
...
His thoughts become silent. Yeah... It was and has been for so long. He's scared of himself sometimes. That one day it'd be too much and he would want this feeling to stop forever. Not a good stop either... He doesn't want that to ever happen. He wants to keep living with his boyfriend, with his friends, with the things he loves. He wants to keep going but there would be a split second his mind wanders into darker thoughts. He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. His music wasn't helping with the thoughts right now. It's helping to keep the silence away but not from himself.
People always say that it'll get better. That if you just keep going then good things will happen. They say that you are loved and that they support you even though you are a complete stranger that's probably on the other side of the world. They keep saying to not give up.
He's absolutely tired of hearing those phrases. Sure they might be genuine motivations to keep being strong but he just hates them. He wants to feel better now. He's someone who always thinks of the past, present, and future constantly. Sometimes he imagines no future so what good would 'it'll get better in the future' do? What if one day he just can't take it? He just hates those phrases. Most of them probably don't feel what he feels. Maybe some do and find comfort at those words but he isn't one of them. He feels like there all repetitive phrases that people think everyone would feel better at. Phrases that people think give others comfort and make them all better.
He wants to cry but at the same time he can't. He can't get the tears to even form. He wants to cry so badly but he's probably already cried enough for the tears to not show. He wants to let all this out but he can't. He feels emptier now.
He closes his eyes for a few seconds before standing up.
"I should go shower before it becomes to late and then would have to sleep on the carpet again..." He mutters to himself. He's done it every time he doesn't shower but sometimes it's also the couch he'd sleep on. He gets up and prepares clothing he would need after his shower as well as a towel and those slippers.
---
He finally gets out of the bathroom with his slippers and throws his dirty clothes into the bin. He walks to the desk and grabs his phone before laying back against his blankets. His music is still playing but he doesn't feel like going on his phone and he's not tired enough to feel like sleeping either.
"Eli..." He calls out softly. Oh how he misses his boyfriend's touch at that moment. Eli and their friends know that he doesn't like to be touched but he thinks he's also touchstarved. His boyfriend would hold his hand every now and then but sometimes he wanted more. They've only kissed a couple of times but sometimes he wants more.
Don't be so greedy. You don't want him to think that you're too clingy, don't you?
Right... He doesn't want that. He loves Eli so much but sometimes he doesn't think it's enough.
What if Eli thinks you don't love him enough?
What if he wants more than just whatever I am?
Is Eli truly happy being with me?
What if sometimes he thinks I'm too much to handle?
His thoughts were just spiraling. He knows that he should just talk to Eli about this but he also doesn't want to out of fear. He really doesn't want to lose Eli. He's scared of being alone.
Well if you don't want to lose his trust either then talk to him about this.
That... is also true. He knows Eli is an understanding and kind person. He wants to help people to the best of his abilities and that includes his boyfriend.
"I don't think he's even awake right now." He mutters and looks at the clock. It's already 2 A.M. He gets off the bed and slowly opens his door. He checks to see if Eli's lights are on and surprisingly they are. Aesop blinks a couple times and takes a deep breath.
Come on Aesop, talk to him. Try to talk to him.
He pauses his music and walks quietly to not make too much noise and then knocks at Eli's door. He hears footsteps walking towards the door before it swings open slowly. Eli stares fondly at Aesop while smiling.
"Hey, Aes. Can't sleep?" He asks.
"Y-yes... can..." Aesop pauses for a bit before continuing, "can I join you tonight?" He looks everywhere but Eli nervously.
"Of course Aes, come in." Eli opens the door wider for his lover to step in. Aesop walks in and goes towards Eli's bed while said man closes the door and lights as well. Eli turns on the night light in the room since he knows Aesop isn't fond of the dark when he's in this mood. He joins Aesop on their bed before asking if he's alright.
"Want to talk about it, Aes?" He asks. He waits patiently for an answer.
"I..." Aesop hesitates but he wants to just spill everything. So he does exactly that.
"I just feel so empty. I don't want to seek help on this but I still want someone to talk to about this. I just want to cry all this out but I can't even do that successfully. I'm scared that one day I'll submit and try to do something permanently damaging. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of losing myself. I'm tired of feeling so empty but it also just comforts me as feeling something that I've feel for as long as I remember. I'm so tired of living sometimes and trying to find anything to keep me going. Whether it's games, books, drawing, you, our friends, drinks, or anything. Just anything to keep going and even just you being here keeps me going. Sometimes I just want it to stop but at the same time I just want to keep going."
Aesop lets out a sob as he releases all his pent up emotions. Eli brings him into a hug. His hands are on Eli's back, clutching his shirt, while Eli's hand is on his own head and another one on his back, rubbing circles to try to soothe him. Aesop keeps going.
"I'm scared of losing you so much. I'm so scared of being alone. I'm scared of the silence and my head that's so noisy when it's silent. These thoughts that keep myself doubting your love for me. It's unhealthy to keep thinking like that but I'm just so scared of you not liking me that you'll leave. Please don't leave me, Eli." Aesop kept crying.
"I won't leave you, Aesop. I can promise that in the present, right now, that I won't ever leave you. I love you and you love me. We'll be here for each other to comfort the other and for anything. I love you Aesop and these feelings aren't changing. I don't mind comforting you and you coming to me for it. It shows that you trust me enough to talk all this out and I'm so proud of you for doing that. Yes, it's hard to talk about all this and I'm happy that you at least want to talk to me about it. Don't be afraid to talk about this, Aesop." Eli kissed Aesop on his hair, then forehead, his nose, his cheeks, and finally his lips. Aesop's sobs were slowly becoming sniffles but his tears were still forming.
"Now, I can't say that it'll get better. I know you overthinking many things. All I can say is that I'll help you get through this to the best of my abilities. You might never get better but maybe you'll get a bit better. Better than how you were yesterday. If you go spiraling down again, we can talk about it to get all that frustration and emptiness out." Eli was always so kind to him that sometimes he felt like he would explode from all this love. He's so glad that he has someone like Eli that loves him.
"Hey now," Eli boops his nose to get his attention and his attention shifts to Eli again, "I love you, Aes. I wouldn't choose anyone besides you. I love your looks, personality, laughs, eyes, hands, your soft hair, everything. The full package. I love it all." Eli kissed Aesop once again on the lips but with more love that Aesop doesn't even know how more love was put into the kiss than before. He was overwhelmed with love and he didn't mind.
"Thank you, Eli. I'm so happy that you're here." Aesop snuggles onto his boyfriends neck. Eli's scent was just so comforting. "I'm sorry for-" Before Aesop could finish that sentence, Eli interrupts him.
"Aesop, don't be sorry for talking about your insecurities and fears. I'll reassure and talk to you every time you talk to me. Sometimes it won't work but I'll try my best to ground you. I'll show you my love with kisses, hugs, or anything that will reassure you that you are the one for me. That yes, I do love you and I won't leave you for wanting contact." Eli strokes Aesop's hair and back with his hands to comfort him. Aesop lifts his head and pulls away enough to look at Eli in his beautiful sapphire eyes.
"Oh... then can I get morning kiss everyday?" Aesop smiles. Eli smiles and leans in for another kiss.
"Of course. I'll even give you good night kisses and cuddles for you, my love." Eli chuckles when Aesop stutters at his sappy comment.
"I-I- y-yes I would love t-that actually." Eli blushes when Aesop smiles so brightly.
"I love you, Aesop."
"I love you too, Eli. Thank you for tonight."
"Of course, anytime. Now, let's try to sleep and maybe we can go out to a cafe tomorrow, or more like later in the day." Eli guides Aesop to lie down together and pulls the blankets over them.
"Yeah, that sounds nice. Let's do that and get some groceries too." Eli humms in agreement and they share one last kiss for the night, or is it considered morning? Aesop cuddles closer to Eli and they both close their eyes, falling into a dreamless sleep.
Fin.