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“Stark! What are these monstrosities?” Loki exclaimed as he barged into Tony’s bedroom and held up his phone. The light turned up and Tony jolted upright.
“What? What time is it?” Tony asked.
“It is 2:15am, sir. You have been asleep for one hour and fifteen minutes.” JARVIS replied. He groaned, flopped back down on the bed and pulled up his covers.
“It’s two in the morning, Loki. Go to sleep,” he muttered into his very very soft pillow.
“I must know this right now, Stark. Now get up!” Loki poked his shoulder.
“Can’t this wait until morning, Loki? How did you even get in my room anyway? JARVIS, I thought I said total lockdown, do not disturb unless the world is ending,”
“My systems indicate that the lockdown is still in progress, sir. It appears that Mr. Odinson has managed to bypass my sensors. Again.”
“Oh god, Loki. You need to stop doing that, I have heart problems. Heart. Problems.”
Loki snorted and said, “I am a God . And it’s not my fault that you can’t detect my magic.”
“Well excuse me Mr. I-won’t-let-you-scan-me-Stark-what-if-you-kill-me. How am I supposed to make a sensor that detects your mumbo-jumbo if you won’t let me scan you?”
“ Tsk . Can’t you just make one? Aren’t you supposed to be the genius inventor of your time?”
“Well I can’t do nothing with no data, baby. Genius still needs some quantitative data.”
“ Hmph , maybe one day you’ll convince me, but I’m not here for that.” Loki said, and dragged Tony’s covers off the bed, exposing him to the chill, 65 degrees Fahrenheit air of his penthouse.
“What the hell, Loki??” Tony immediately curled up on himself. Sixty-five was WAY too cold without the covers. He heard the whirr of the fans as the heaters turned up. Thank god for JARVIS.
“What. Are. These. Things?” Loki shoved his phone in Tony’s face.
“Fuck, move back, will you? How am I supposed to see whatever this is if you’re shoving it in my face? I don’t know about you Asgardians, but humans can’t see through osmosis you know?” Tony shoved Loki’s phone away from his face, but the little shit shoved it back. Gross. His nose touched the screen. Ugh.
Tony scooted backwards towards the other side of his bed. “Okay, you stay there Rudolph. Not one step closer. I’ll have JARVIS remotely wipe your phone and no more answers for you.”
Loki crossed his arms and said, “Fine.” He was silent for a moment, and Tony saw the minute twitch of his eye, and knew that he was in trouble. Loki looked straight into his eyes, and snapped his fingers. When the phone disappeared from his hand and reappeared right in front of Tony’s face, Tony leaned back, and promptly fell off the bed.
Loki just laughed at him.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Prancer. Very funny. Ha. Ha.” Tony twisted himself upright and looked up across the bed to Loki who was bent over laughing. He smiled a tiny smile to himself, and schooled his expression. “What is so important that you had to wake me up at…” Tony trailed off.
“It is now 2:21 in the morning, sir.”
“Yeah thanks, JARVIS. two in the morning?” he continued, and reached for the phone that Loki, keeps shoving in his face.
Loki walked around the bed to sit beside Tony on the floor. He said, “I would like to know what that is,” and pointed at the phone. Tony flipped the phone around to find… “A snake plant?”
“Oh! Is that what it is? Snake plant? Very aptly named,” Loki said as he nodded.
Tony looked at Loki like he was crazy. He probably was, honestly.
“You woke me up, at two in the morning, for a SNAKE PLANT?” Tony’s voice couldn’t help but rise at the end. But seriously, a snake plant?
“How was I supposed to know that this was called a snake plant? I’ve never seen one before. We don’t have those in Asgard.”
“You have a picture. Reverse image search it. I’ve taught you this before! Stop waking me up in the middle of the night, Loki. A man needs his beauty sleep.”
Loki pouted, and Tony couldn’t decide if he wanted to smack the look off his face, or drag him over and kiss it. Loki knew that Tony couldn’t resist when he brought up that pouting face. Tony turned his face away, and he could feel the moment Loki lit up with a grin. Loki slithered closer and draped himself over Tony’s shoulders. “Tony, darling,” he purred into Tony’s ears and Tony suppressed a shiver.
Tony pushed Loki’s face away from his burning ears. It was suddenly hotter now. “Don’t darling me you little–”
“Will you buy me one?” Loki interrupted.
Tony looked into Loki’s eyes, and blankly said, “Buy it yourself. All the Avengers have an allowance for a reason.”
Loki pouted again, and said “But I’d like you to buy it for me.”
“You used up all your money again, didn’t you?”
Loki lifted himself off Tony at that, looking away. Tony chased the warmth for a split second before righting himself.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.”
“JARVIS?”
“Mr. Odinson appears to have spent his allowance at Party City, sir.”
“Oh god please don’t tell me you spent it all on balloons again. Please tell me you didn’t fill Clint’s floor with balloons again.”
“I also can–”
“–can neither confirm nor deny that statement. Yeah. Okay. Fine. As long as you didn’t fill it with glitter again this time. I swear I’m still finding glitter in DUM-E’s joints no matter how many times I clean him up.”
Loki smiled sweetly.
Tony watched him smile docilely, and finally said, “If I buy you a snake plant, will you leave me alone?”
Loki tilted his head and said, “But do you even want me to leave you alone, darling ?”
Tony looked into Loki’s eyes, always so clear and knowing, and decided that fuck it . “No.”
Loki’s smile turned more genuine at that admission, and he leaned in to put his forehead against Tony’s.
“Good. I wasn’t planning to.”
Bonus:
“Hey Lo. Do you want this one as well?” Tony handed Loki a pot of Haworthia cooperi . Loki immediately grabbed it and brought it up to his face. He turned towards Tony with awe, and said, “You have Calaerynths in Midgard?”
“Um. They’re Haworthia cooperi s. Or people also call them alien egg plants.”
Loki’s eyes turned wide as saucers. Tony could almost see the stars coming out of his eyes.
“I must have all of them,” he said. “Take me to the racks, right now.” and Loki grabbed his hand and dragged him down the aisle.
“Hey, hey, hold on–” Tony knew better than to struggle. Stupid Asgardian strength. “It’s actually that way.” Tony pointed back towards where the Haworthia cooperis were. Loki instantly stopped, Tony bumped into his back, and turned around to drag him to the other side of the store.
“Hey, slow down Bambi. They’re not going anywhere.”
Loki turned his head, eyes blazing with determination, and said, “All of them, Anthony.”
So Tony shut up, and let Loki drag him along the aisles, telling him where to turn. They ended up buying all the stock of the store’s Hawortia cooperi s. And all their subsequent shipments. On the side, Tony whispered to the clerk, “Just send a quarter, he won’t notice.”
The next week, Pepper stared at Tony as they sat among the pots of Haworthia cooperi s and other plants that Tony had bought Loki.
“So, Tony… New hobby?” she said.
“It’s Loki,” he sighed and muttered out. “He’s obsessed with these plants.”
“... Right. So you had to buy… the whole store?”
Tony looked into Pepper’s eyes, and tiredly said, “All fifteen nurseries in New York, Pep. I didn’t even know we had that many nurseries in New York! I didn't even know they were called nurseries! How can there be so many nurseries in New York? ”
“I had to buy him a greenhouse on the roof to fit all of his plants! Stark Tower now has a greenhouse on its roof!”
Pepper smiled indulgently and said, “But you did it anyway, right?”
Tony rolled his eyes and said, “What else am I supposed to do when he brings out that pouty face? I swear one day he’ll pout and ask to kill me and I’d gladly let him.”
“He won't, Tony,” she said as she flipped the page to another report, “Sign here as well.”
Tony knew that, but grumbled for the sake of it anyway.