Chapter Text
On March 2nd, the bell of the church rang as the congregation broke service for the day and pulled on jackets to go back out into the cold. Hero followed the crowd and dressed up once more, but he didn’t follow as most people flowed towards the front doors to exit. His family went with them with Dad pausing to give Hero an encouraging clap to his shoulder before he was gone. Hero waited until it was clear enough, and then he shimmied his way through the pews over to where Mari was just finishing pulling on her heavy jacket over her dress. Her eye caught his as she smiled. He returned the smile with a hint of his anxiety.
“Hi,” he greeted when he was close enough. His eyebrows scrunched a bit. “Are you okay to walk without your crutches? There’s still a lot of snow.”
“The snow makes it harder to use the crutches,” she complained. “Don’t worry so much, Hero. My knee is almost back to normal. And I’ve got it braced.” She patted her knee gently. Nevertheless, though, she accepted Hero’s assistance as she stood and the two of them started walking. Despite her insistence that her knee was almost back to normal, she walked with a bit of a limp. Hero wasn’t too much better, though, since his lower back still occasionally made it hard to walk too if he wasn’t careful. The wooden pews left him aching a little as well, so they really were a pair today.
“Sorry I didn’t get to say good morning earlier,” he chatted as they took their time maneuvering around people going in the opposite direction from them. There were still plenty of people who were taking up the walkways chatting in groups of four or five.
“We were the ones who arrived late.”
“Still. Was everything okay?”
She laughed behind her hand. Her eyes sparkled as she glanced at him. She looked so pretty with her braid pinned with the bow Aubrey had gifted her yesterday for her birthday. “Yes, Hero. Everything is okay. We were just running a little behind this morning.” She bumped her shoulder with his. “You don’t need to worry so much anymore.”
It was hard for him to stop worrying. It had been months since the accident, but the repercussions were still present in all of them. Mari’s bad knee had to go through recovery for a second time. Hero’s body still wasn’t at 100%. Sunny was still being told to be careful when running around due to his hips. Even if it wasn’t Hero’s fault, he still took partial responsibility for it all. He just wanted his friends to be well.
That was for another time, though. Hero felt like he would always have something to worry about, but his burden was already significantly better than it was a few months ago. His biggest obstacle was leapt. Now he only really had one more thing to take care of before he felt like maybe he could start to put the past behind him.
The rear door of the church stood in front of the two of them as Hero’s feet naturally stopped before they could exit. Mari reached to open the door, but paused when she glanced back at Hero. He was stiff. His neck crawled with unease and his breathing began to pick up. His hands curled into fists as he gripped the end of his jacket sleeves. He didn’t know what expression he was making.
Mari’s fingers were warm against the back of his hand. They slipped over the clench of his grip and coaxed them to relax enough so that she could hold his hand. Their fingers linked. Her bracelet tapped against his skin as she squeezed. She didn’t say anything and simply waited for him.
Hero swallowed thickly and clung to her hand like a buoy in a storm as the chills across his neck skittered down his spine and across his shoulders. His nose was filled with the sweet scent of fresh flowers. His stomach churned against the sound of background chatter that faded from his ears. Darkness seemed to ooze from under the door and obscured the bright daylight outside. He idly wondered if he was hurting Mari’s hand from squeezing too hard as he tried to fight the terror and unease that rocked him.
Mari’s voice was gentle like a feather against his skin as she said, “It’s okay, Hero. Take a deep breath. It’s not as scary as you think.”
He forced himself to listen, eyes blinking quickly as they stung with water. Even now he was scared to go out this door. It was a beast that continued to menace his nightmares. The worst of the storm was over, but healing took longer than that.
He had never considered himself to be particularly the bravest of their group, though he never saw himself as a total coward either. Hero dealt with issues in front of him in one way or another whether he wanted to or not. He didn’t consider that brave. But today he wanted to be brave for his own sake.
He had one more monster to fight. He just needed to cross this threshold.
His eyes skated towards the stained windows of the church and then down to the raised platform of the stage. His vision flickered with Mari’s open casket and then to Sunny’s closed one. He could hear the rain constantly pouring outside. The feeling of the water dripping off of his skin made him shiver from the cold despite how muggy it had been that day. He was struggling against his tears even though he had thought he had cried himself out at this point.
He remembered wondering if Sunny was happy to be back with his sister. Then he remembered briefly thinking in a fit of vicious self-righteous anger after Basil’s confession that Sunny had to be in Hell for what he had done.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Hero,” whispered Sunny’s voice from where he was clinging to him and trembling against Hero’s shoulder.
Hero wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to forgive himself. He still wasn’t sure if he had forgiven Basil or Sunny. They felt separate from the boys he knew now. He had worked hard to separate the two in his mind.
The Sunny and Basil he knew now were innocent.
(Still, though, he hated that he resented the boys from ‘then’.)
“Hey,” Mari’s voice came from far away. Hero reached for it as his arm was shaken. He recalled he was holding Mari’s hand already. He started to come back to the present. He struggled against the weight of the past and tore wet eyes from the platform to look at her.
She was so beautiful. Her cheeks were flushed from being a little too hot in the stuffy church. Her lips were just a little shiny from the lip balm she used to combat the cold. Her eyes were bright and focused on him though her expression was one of worry. Her throat moved when she breathed. Her hair was just a little longer than it had been back in October since she was getting close to time for another haircut. She was wearing her new coat from her birthday. It was one he had never seen on her before but suited her well.
So many differences from the last time he had seen her in that casket.
She cupped his cheek, and Hero realized he was shaking. His grip was definitely far too tight on her other hand, but she didn’t complain. He felt like that might be his tipping point and that he might start crying right there, but he held it back.
“Breathe, Henry,” she pressed once more. Her hand flowed down over his neck, shoulder, and arm until she took his free hand. She brought up to press against her neck since she couldn’t bring it to her chest considering their location. Too many eyes that would misunderstand. She took a few deep breaths. “Focus on me. Follow my breathing. Count with me.”
He obeyed her wordlessly, desperate to be grounded in the present. He could feel her pulse under his fingertips. He could feel her vocal vibrations. He saw the way her eyelashes fanned against her cheekbones. He watched her lips move as she counted. And Hero finally started to feel sensation come back to his legs. The cold that had rapidly begun to numb him with the pounding of the rain on that summer day dripped off of him like melting icicles.
It was like emerging from being underwater.
He didn’t even need to tell her as he calmed down. She smiled with a hint of relief as he came back to himself. His grip on her hand relaxed. He closed his eyes until the water in them cleared. The sounds of the church returned.
“Thank you,” he said, voice just a bit rough.
“We don’t need to do this today,” she assured him. “You don’t need to force yourself.”
He shook his head. “No, I… I need to do this.” He glanced warily at the door. “I know it’s not… There’s nothing to be scared of. I know that. I know that. I do.” He swallowed against his stuttering. It was just a door, he told himself. But it was his final shield from that other side. He hadn’t been out there since that rainy day he said his final goodbyes to Sunny. “I need to see.”
Mari watched him. “...Okay,” she agreed. “We’ll stand here until you’re ready. Take your time.”
He didn’t want to wait here any longer and risk getting lost once more. He was aware of the fact that their families were outside. Even though the church wasn’t too long of a walk from their houses, they would no doubt wonder where their kids were at. Hero’s family knew what he was attempting to do today so that they could cover for him, but that didn’t stop the pressure. He knew that if any of his friends came to find them, he would chicken out once more. He felt ready to do this if he could just get his legs to move.
He didn’t think he would be able to do it alone, though. He had thought about who to go with out into the graveyard. But in the end there was really only one option. Mari had always been the one by his side even long before this shitstorm happened. She was his best friend, his confidant, and the love of his life. She was also the living proof that she was not on the other side of that door.
He needed her by his side.
Still, though, he couldn’t convince his arm to raise and just turn the knob of the door.
People were starting to clear out of the church now. The clock was ticking. A couple passed by them and excused themselves through the door to go to the graveyard. Hero flinched away from the door and then scolded himself for it. Somehow, though, the breaching of the barrier helped.
He finally got his tongue to move as he gave Mari an embarrassed and awkward smile. “Um… Can you open the door for us?”
She was entirely understanding and didn’t tease him this time as she asked with kindness, “Do you want me to guide you outside too?” Hero nodded. “Okay.”
She squeezed his hand and stepped forward to open the door. The bright light stunned Hero’s eyes as he was taken outside into the cold. He clenched his eyes shut as his boots crunched under the thin snow on the ground, and finally he was outside.
His eyes opened slowly, dreading what he might see. He expected… something. He didn’t know exactly what. But all he was greeted with was a simple graveyard. There were some flowers at some of the headstones. There were only a couple people wandering around. It wasn’t a big graveyard at all and it backed up to the forest where Hero knew they could expand if they chose to cut down some trees. But for now, it was small and contained by a large brick fence.
Mari’s steps were careful as she guided them just a little deeper and away from the door, but she didn’t force Hero any further than that. She watched him for his reaction as he looked around, half-amazed that something terrible didn’t happen to him the second he had walked outside.
It was just a graveyard. It was the tail end of spring, so there was still snow on the ground. There was no rain. It was bright sunlight today with only a few clouds. The warmth of the sun helped to combat the chilly wind that gently blew through the trees.
He was a little breathless, but he was breathing. He was still trembling a little, but he wasn’t shaking. Mari’s hand was warm in his. She hadn’t put her gloves on yet.
“...It was this way,” he said after a few long moments as he got his legs to move. Now it was his turn to guide her as the two walked among the graves to the only place Hero had ever cared about. He’d never forget the location even though he had only been there a total of three times. It was towards the back of the graveyard where the newer graves went. Luckily, it was away from where the other people were currently visiting their loved one.
He had expected the spot to be empty, but his heart leaped to his throat when he saw a headstone there. He nearly stumbled in his brief terrified rush to read the headstone. Suddenly, he doubted his entire life up until that moment.
But the headstone was different. The name and dates on it was wrong. The type of stone was even incorrect.
Someone else was buried where Mari was supposed to be.
“Is this it?” Mari asked when she saw Hero staring. She had taken her time to read who was in front of her.
Hero swallowed dryly. “Um… Yeah.” He hesitated, unsure of what he wanted to say even though he knew he wanted to say something. “Someone… else is here.”
“It’s recent,” she murmured, tone tentative but sympathetic. Even the ground here was still soft. This person had only been buried sometime in the past few days judging by the death date. Hero didn’t respond. Mari noticed his troubled expression, though, and asked, “What are you thinking about?”
It was hard to put into words what he was feeling. “I don’t know… I just… I didn’t expect someone else to be here.” He lifted his gaze from the headstone to the tree just behind it. Unlike when Mari had been buried here, it was still standing. He wondered who, exactly, had turned it into a stump since it appeared healthy to him. Had it been the same person who had cut down the tree in Sunny’s backyard?
His eyes drifted back down to the headstone. He wasn’t sure, exactly, what he wanted to accomplish here. “...I only got to visit you one time here,” he said after a moment. The words came to him suddenly, and he had no will to hold them back. “When you died… I couldn’t bring myself to come see you again. It hurt too much. I blamed myself too much for your death. I was scared of how I would act if I came to your grave again.”
She squeezed his hand silently, assuring him that she was listening. He could see from the corner of his eye that she was watching him. He couldn’t look at her, though, as he confessed. He couldn’t remember if he had told her this before. He didn’t think she would care if she had to listen to it again.
“I only managed to get the courage to come here because I had Kel, Aubrey, and Sunny with me. I just thought… it would be okay with them. They understood, y’know? Even if they didn’t understand my hurt in the same way. Even after four years we were still friends. It was support I didn’t really realize I needed. And… it felt good to sit together with them and you once more. It was a good day.”
He stopped talking. His vision was filled with that final picnic he’d had with her that day. Other memories of picnics in recent months, though, overlapped that picture. It didn’t hurt as much to remember that shared grief he’d had with those people.
“...The next time I came here was for Sunny’s funeral.” He glanced over at the spot behind the grave they stood in front of. It was still filled with trees. Four years later the stump had been removed just so Sunny could be with his sister. At least, that was what Hero thought. “It had been raining hard that day, so it was hard to walk back here. I couldn’t bear to look at you. I’m sure you were heartbroken over everything. I thought you’d probably be mad at me.”
“Hero–” Mari tried to refute, but Hero just kept talking over her,
“If I had driven us to the hospital faster… maybe we could’ve talked to Sunny after he had woken up. Maybe we could’ve changed things.” He swallowed against the ache in his heart. He gripped the front of his jacket. “In the end, he never told us anything. Not once. Not even to Kel. Not even when all of us were talking about the day of your recital. He didn’t say… anything.” He couldn’t help the heat in his voice. Even now he was so upset that Sunny had kept his secret all the way to his grave. What had he been hoping for? Did he ever once consider the consequences? Did he simply not care enough about the people he was leaving behind? Or was the darkness so deep that he couldn’t possibly think of anyone else? Hero couldn’t imagine the same boy he knew today ever being so heartless. But then, what had been going through his mind when he had fallen from the roof of the hospital?
“After that… I couldn’t come back here again,” he concluded. “But I knew that… I needed to see for myself that those graves weren’t here anymore. I needed to… I don’t know. Chase the visions away.”
Mari was silent beside him as she absorbed his words. Her thumb continued to stroke his hand. They both stayed silent for a long time with their own thoughts. Then, she coaxed him to face her. When he finally did, she reached up to brush his fringe from his forehead. A scar was still on his forehead from the fall, healed but still dark against his skin. It didn’t hurt as her fingers traced it. Doing so had become a habit for her, as if reminding herself of it.
“Whatever guilt you’re carrying, Hero, it’s time for you to put it down,” she told him with stern sincerity. Her eyes flicked back and forth between his. “My death, Sunny’s death, Basil’s disappearance… You’ve done everything you could to rectify it. That future exists only in your memories now. It won’t happen.” Her hand trailed from his forehead to cup his cheek. “Everything has turned out okay. That isn’t your future anymore.”
He sank into her touch and her reassurance. His body melted forward as tears bubbled at his eyes silently. Only one escaped as their foreheads touched. He closed his eyes as he hugged her properly, and she held him there in the graveyard.
She was so warm in the sunlight, contrasting to the cold of the day. He could feel her breath against his cheeks and was unsurprised when she kissed him gently.
The moment was a transition for him. He was so used to the burden of his pain that he still wasn’t sure how he felt without it. He had carried it for so long that he didn’t think he could put it down yet. He wasn’t even completely sure how to touch it enough to lower it down and let it go in the way Mari was encouraging. But he felt like for once it wasn’t nearly as ephemeral or choking. He was willing to let himself change.
“Mari,” he said as they broke apart. His eyes spoke of his gratitude and love for her, “I don’t want to be a doctor.”
She blinked, startled and caught wrong-footed by the change in subject. “O-Oh?”
He laughed a little bit at her uncertainty. “Yeah. I think I’ve had my fill of hospitals.” He lifted his head from hers but didn’t move to break their hug. His fingers played idly with her hair.
“Are you going to become a chef, then?” she asked, just a little excited.
“I don’t know for sure yet. But… I have time to think about it, don’t I?”
His smile was hesitant, brightening like the sunrise breaking over the treeline. And Mari returned it with enthusiasm, wrapping her arms around his neck as she giggled. “Take all the time you need, Hero. But promise me something first!”
“What is it?”
Her smile turned just a little sly. “If you don’t become a chef, you have to promise to marry me so I can eat your food whenever I want.” Her thumb flicked his earring cheekily as Hero’s ears turned red.
“Wha-what?! What if I do become a chef?” he stuttered, brain stumbling at the talk of marriage from her.
“Then you’ll have a choice in marrying me,” she joked. “After all, I literally owe you my life.” She had the gall to get a little shy as she added, “Might as well make it official… right?”
He was sure he was blushing brightly now. His neck and face tingled with it. But his heart ached most with trying to hold back his enthusiasm at the thought. After all, it wasn’t like he had planned to let her go any time soon. He had been waiting to consider proposing and marriage until they were at least out of high school, though. He didn’t know what the future would hold, and he’d had more time to know what he wanted than she did.
But he wasn’t going to burst her bubble. She looked happy and hopeful, and he had always been so weak towards her. He leaned in to kiss her as he mumbled against her lips, “I only have a choice if I do become a chef?”
“That’s right. I can’t live without you–”
He knew she was going to say something different, but he cut her off there with another kiss. That was all he really needed.
They both ended up laughing about it before they turned to go back inside. After all, they had to go meet up with their friends and family once more since today they were going to celebrate Mari’s sixteenth birthday. They couldn’t make them wait. It was a little belated, but Hero personally thought it was better late than never.