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Standing on the shore, feet in the sand, wind whipping her hair around her shoulders, it hits Mai just how much has changed since the last time she was here.
When they came here amidst the final weeks of the war - her, Ty Lee, Zuko, and Azula - they were all just kids desperately searching for happiness that the world they were in could not provide. Mai and Zuko were fighting their own feelings, which led to fighting each other. They were all angry because that was easier than being sad. It was easier to stoke the fire and unleash wrath on everyone around them than it was to admit they’d all been hurt by the people who should have cared about them most.
It’s been four years since Sozin’s Comet and the end of the war. Four years since the last time Mai was here, four years since she betrayed Azula at Boiling Rock, four years since Zuko was crowned Fire Lord. Four years of growing and healing. They’ve all come so far, and yet, they all still have so much farther to go.
If the Mai who went to Ember Island with her friends four years ago could see who she’s grown into, she would be in disbelief. She cut her hair and stopped worrying about makeup most days. She dumped Zuko and allowed herself to embrace the love she always felt for Ty Lee. She stopped talking to her parents and replaced the family that never loved her with friends who do.
She’s happy.
Ty Lee catches sight of Mai and waves from where she’s standing knee-deep in the sea. Mai smiles and waves back, laughing as Toph tackles Ty Lee in her moment of distraction. Mai doesn’t know what game they’re playing, but she enjoys watching nonetheless.
“I’m sure they’d let you join in,” Azula’s voice sounds from somewhere behind Mai.
(Another thing Mai from four years ago would never have expected - with the help of therapy, Azula shed her old skin like a snake and has distanced herself from the toxic behaviors she leaned on as a teenager.)
Mai shakes her head. “I’m not a big fan of the water.” She turns to look back at Azula, who is reclining in the sand, an open book in her hands. Reading for enjoyment was a hobby one of her first doctors suggested that Azula has kept up with.
She shrugs. “That’s fair.”
Mai shoots one final glance back towards her friends in the ocean before moving to sit down next to Azula. She crosses her legs and leans back on her hands, fingers digging into the sand. She’ll have to scrub her skin for hours later to get the gritty feeling off, but for now, she’s just going to enjoy being able to relax. The heat of midday broke hours ago, and the sun is nearing the horizon, so the temperature is pleasant and the sun isn’t overwhelmingly bright.
“Do you remember what Li and Lo told us last time we were here?” Mai asks. “About how Ember Island ‘reveals the true you’?”
Azula frowns. “Yeah. But… why?”
“Not sure. Just…thinking about last time we were here.” It’s a lie, and Mai is sure Azula can see straight through her. She wouldn’t have brought it up if there wasn’t a reason.
The truth is that Mai was a little wary about this trip because of that warning. She figures Ember Island is the worst place to vacation if you’re in the midst of trying to figure yourself out. Mai has spent a lot of time learning who she is since the end of the war - working to untangle who her parents wanted her to be from who she needed to be to stay safe from who she is underneath all of the walls she spent the first seventeen years of her life building.
But there’s still something that…isn’t quite sitting right in her chest. There’s uneasiness from a question she’s been dancing around for a year now - ever since Toph asked everyone to start referring to them as “they” instead of “she”.
She’d asked Toph about it, briefly, inquiring about how they figured it out. They’d just shrugged and said, “I never really felt like a girl. I just didn’t realize there was another option until recently.”
Mai understands that disconnect from womanhood, but she has yet to figure out where her disconnect comes from. Is it interwoven with her sexuality, and the fact that she has never felt the pull of heterosexuality the way most women do? Is it rooted in the fact that society as a whole is made of constructs that Mai has had to teach herself, and gender is simply one of those social constructs she never quite figured out? Is it because she has always suffered a disconnect from who she presents herself as and who she really is?
Or is it just because, despite how far she’s come in tearing her own walls down, she still doesn’t really know who she is?
“Sure,” Azula responds dryly. “But I don’t buy into any of that superstitious nonsense. Our little confession circle when we were here as kids had nothing to do with the fact that we were on Ember Island specifically; it had to do with the fact that all of us had been bottling up our teenage angst, and then we were sent somewhere basically without any adult supervision.”
Mai hums. “I guess you’re right.” Still, she doesn’t want to be too quick to write off Li and Lo’s warning - if it holds truth, she wants to be prepared. She doesn’t want to be caught off guard.
“Seriously,” Azula says. “Whatever you’re worried about being revealed isn’t going to come to light unless you want it to.”
(That’s the problem, though - Mai thinks maybe she does want that. If the island spills her secret, then she doesn’t have to worry about doing it herself.)
— —
Ty Lee collapses into bed next to Mai, jostling her as she does so. Mai has long since stopped being shocked by Ty Lee throwing herself onto their bed, and simply sets aside her book so she can turn her attention to her girlfriend.
“Hello, lovely.” Ty Lee grins, leaning over to peck Mai’s cheek. Before she can pull away, Mai’s hand finds its way to Ty Lee’s cheek, and their lips meet. It’s soft and slow, peaceful and homey. It’s everything Mai never thought she could have when she was younger.
“Hi,” Ty Lee whispers when they break apart.
“Hello,” Mai responds, twirling a strand of Ty Lee’s still-wet hair around her finger. She studies the dusting of freckles on Ty Lee’s cheeks.
For a moment, she wonders if she should just say something now - if she should voice her confusion and let Ty Lee help her through it.
But she pushes that aside - it’s only the second day of their vacation, and Mai doesn’t want to burden Ty Lee with anything when they’re supposed to be having fun. Mai’s crisis can wait until they’re back in Caldera City. Right now, she just wants to fall asleep in Ty Lee’s arms.
“Everything okay?” Ty Lee asks, like she can read Mai’s mind.
“Yeah,” Mai assures her. It isn’t exactly a lie, but it’s not a full truth either. She leans closer and kisses Ty Lee’s forehead. “Just thinking.”
“About…?” Ty Lee prompts.
“Oh, you know,” Mai tries to wave the question aside. “Just…life. How different we were when we were here four years ago.”
Ty Lee seems to understand that Mai isn’t being entirely honest, but she also seems to understand that Mai isn’t ready to be entirely honest, because she doesn’t push. She just nods and says, “Well, if you want to share your thoughts at any time, I’ll be here to listen.”
— —
As it turns out, Mai cannot avoid her thoughts now that she’s allowed them to swirl around her mind.
Now that she’s allowed herself to contemplate how much the word woman really fits her - now that she’s opened the floodgates - she can’t stop noticing how…uncomfortable she is with that label. She’d spent years suppressing and ignoring every sign, because she’d had to, but now that she’s in a place both mentally and physically where she can entertain these thoughts, they won’t stop.
When she, Ty Lee, and Suki go shopping in town, one of the shop owners refers to them as “Ladies,” and Mai’s stomach twists. When she dresses in the morning and undresses at night, she averts her gaze from the mirror so she won’t have to see her chest. She and Zuko pass a fortune teller, offering to read Mai’s palm for a discounted price “because she’s a woman” and Mai very nearly flings a knife at him. While all the (other?) girls have no problem with their form-fitting swimsuits, Mai tends to wrap a robe around her when they head to the beach because the flowy fabric hides the shape of her body.
The more Mai thinks about it, the less like a woman she feels. She’s always aligned herself with femininity because it’s easier, because she didn’t have to think about it, and because for most of her life, she couldn’t allow herself to think about it. She’d shoved it into a locked box same as she had her sexuality, and she’d built steel walls around everything that would put her in danger if it were to come to light.
But that danger isn’t here anymore. Mai’s parents can’t hurt her, the Fire Nation’s old laws can’t hurt her, and her friends will not reject her.
She still isn’t exactly sure where her gender falls, but it’s somewhere outside of womanhood, somewhere closer to Toph saying they want nothing to do with gender. She still has a lot of questions, and this is going to unlock a whole new section of her self-discovery journey, but she’s ready to accept and embrace it.
(She isn’t sure if she should blame Li and Lo’s, “Ember Island reveals the true you,” or Azula’s, “Whatever you’re worried about being revealed isn’t going to come to light unless you want it to.”)
— —
She and Ty Lee are sitting on a blanket on the beach, watching the sunset on their second to last night on Ember Island. The sky is painted pink and orange as the blazing red sun kisses the horizon. The clouds and ocean seem to glow, and serenity spreads warmly through Mai’s chest. Ty Lee is resting her head on Mai’s shoulder, playing with one of Mai’s hands.
“So I’ve been thinking,” Mai starts, because she figures that’s a neutral enough way to begin.
“Yeah?” Ty Lee lifts her head. “About?”
Mai doesn’t turn to meet Ty Lee’s gaze; she continues studying the pink clouds because it’s easier. “I don’t think I’m exactly a woman.”
Mai holds her breath, a moment of silence hanging heavy over her head before Ty Lee’s arms are encircling her and she presses a kiss to the side of Mai’s head. “You know this doesn’t change my love for you, right?”
Mai takes a shaky breath. She nods, because she does know - she wasn’t scared of Ty Lee rejecting her; she’s scared of what it will mean for herself now that she’s spoken the truth. “I know,” she assures Ty Lee. “I’m still— I’m still trying to figure it out, but…I wanted to tell you.”
It isn’t as scary now that the words are out in the open. In fact, Mai feels more at peace than she has for the past week - for the past year, really. It feels right.
“I appreciate that,” Ty Lee says softly. “I’m proud of you. If you want me to change the way I refer to you, let me know, alright? And if you aren’t sure yet, that’s fine too. I just want to do whatever makes you comfortable.” She kisses Mai’s shoulder, and then pulls away. Mai finally turns to look at her as she says, “I love you.”
Mai smiles. “You’re my favorite person,” she says, tucking a strand of hair behind Ty Lee’s ear. “And for now, just… Can you stay away from using words like ‘woman’ or ‘girl’ when referring to me?”
“Of course! Whatever you want, lovely.”
“Thank you,” Mai whispers. She lets her head rest on Ty Lee’s shoulder as she turns her gaze back to the sunset. She knows she’ll have to tell the others eventually, but she also knows they’ll all be supportive. For now, though, she isn’t going to think about that.
For now, she’s going to sit with Ty Lee and watch the sunset, and she’s going to appreciate the fact that she could even have this conversation. She’s going to appreciate the fact that she’s grown enough that she no longer has to be afraid of who she is.