Chapter Text
“So I have some examples up on the slide for you to copy down, ah—” Stede paused. His phone was ringing. This was very unusual, in that nobody in attendance had ever seen Stede’s phone ring before. But hey, nobody had ever seen him arrested before, either, and he seemed to be doing fine after that.
“So sorry everyone, how remiss of me,” Stede said, and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. The ringtone was just a loop of the sound you’d expect a corded rotary phone to make when it rang. He looked like he was going to hang up, and then he peered as the screen thoughtfully. “I apologise everyone, this may be an emergency.”
And then he picked up. A vague voice was yelling on the other end that nobody could quite make out, and Stede’s eyes were widening a little.
“He’s been arrested?” Stede asked. “Again?”
All of the sudden, the disinterested Lucius was all ears, and the students scattered throughout the hall were on the edges of their seats.
“Of course you can, Ed. Really, you needn’t even ask; he’s your friend, and you’re my love. Of course it’s okay. Yes, alright. Yes, dear, I know, and I’ll talk to you later. I love you too.”
Stede put the phone down.
The entire hall waited with bated breath for Stede to explain this strange interaction with his husband.
“Well,” the class hung on his every word, waiting. What had happened? “A friend of mine is in a spot of trouble. Nothing to worry about. Now, um, could anyone remind me what I was saying?”
---
#leather-daddy-biker-theories
kachussy today at 10:52 pm
ok but cops going missing? one of his friends getting arrested “again”?
guys i think maybe stede isn’t in trouble with blackbeard
i think blackbeard is in trouble with him.
sammyhammy today at 10:54 pm
rlly? the prof isn’t scary dude he probably just has some weird family or in-laws or something, like he can’t help that.
no WAY he actually had anything to do with one of those cop twins disappearing are you serious? that guy was literally ruled mentally unfit to be a fucking cop . how crazy do you have to be before the POLICE think its too much??? I wouldn’t give any weight to any accusations he made against prof
like i honestly think its a bit fucked up to speculate that stede actually had anything to do with that.
THE they/them today at 10:58 pm
I come baring news.
I won’t say who, but I know someone who knows Spanish Jackie.
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 10:58 pm
ok, bullshit
THE they/them today at 10:58 pm
Whatever. @audiovideodisco confirm?
audio video disco today at 10:59 pm
it’s true
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 10:59 pm
alright him i’ll trust. for now.
THE they/them today at 11:00 pm
Spanish Jackie told all her folks to stay away from prof Stede Bonnet specifically.
PLEASE stop forgetting I am your TA (Lucius he/they) today at 11:01 pm
Ok NO, I am not taking any more of this nonsense. There is no fucking way.
THE they/them today at 11:01 pm
[untitled.mp4]
PLEASE stop forgetting I am your TA (Lucius he/they) today at 11:03 pm
How the FUCK DID YOU GET THAT? Jim I’m gonna get you in so much trouble, as soon as I figure out what for.
THE they/them today at 11:03 pm
Fuck you.
---
The video is about 10 seconds long. It’s shaky and low-angled like it’s been taken from a phone someone casually held down by their side. It’s a trashy looking bar filled with tatted men and women who look absolutely terrifying.
The terrifying face of Spanish Jackie that Lucius recognises from newspaper articles about the crime in their city is blurry in the background, but it’s clear she’s the one speaking as a clear, threatening voice says, “You guys stay the fuck away from that fucking fancy teacher, okay? I don’t want to hear any more talk about Stede Bonnet under this fucking roof!”
---
“They can’t actually put him away for jackshit and I know that, Izzy always wears those gloves and Jack was fucking stupid to go to the cops about his broken fucking face. Don’t know why he even thought he could come back into this fucking town and try and get the law involved. Stupid fuck,” Ed breathed.
“I know dear, it’s terrible,” Stede said, holding Ed gently and petting his hair.
“I’m sorry, Stede. I know that bail is like… mind-fuckery amounts of money. I hate when I have to—”
“Oh, Ed, it’s my father’s stupid money and I never use it. I’m happy to let you use it when you need to, even for— shh, yes, darling, even for Izzy . He’s not as mean as he wants us all to think, you know.”
“I know, Stede, he gets panic attacks when he has to stay overnight in jail, that’s why… but… fuck, it’s so much money, Stede.”
“I know, Ed. I know down to the nearest cent and I really don’t care. I care about you and I care about our crew. Don’t feel bad. Now, how would you like me to read you a story?”
Ed sighed. “I think I’d like that,” he whispered hopefully.
---
#leather-daddy-biker-theories
kachussy today at 7:18 am
guys update on bikers fearing professor stede
[hyperlink]
Missing Cop’s Brother Also Dissapears Following Public Mental Breakdown
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 7:20 am
all i’ll say is it’s kinda weird a guy went missing right after randomly accusing the prof of crimes.
PLEASE stop forgetting I am your TA (Lucius he/they) today at 7:21 am
Don’t you think it’s more likely Officer Badminton going missing has more to do with his twin brother also disappearing and him being crazy, rather than that him being delusional and accusing a university professor with nothing to do with it of murder?
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 7:21 am
yeah but he said stede was involved in the first disappearance before he became the second disappearance. don’t you think that’s like… sus?
maybe it’s ALL connected!
PLEASE stop forgetting I am your TA (Lucius he/they) today at 7:21 am
It’s not but ok queen lol
---
Lucius claimed bathroom break toward the end of the lecture, but that was a lie. He slipped down the empty classics corridor, past that old vending machine that only took change, and down the stairs to the garage.
As he expected, there were large black bikes parked all around Stede’s funny old beetle. Only one man, though. He was bald and his shirt and jacket had no sleeves, torn off.
The man turned around and saw Lucius standing there. Lucius froze.
“Hey there!” the man said in a friendly voice. Lucius thought for now it might be safe to approach.
“Hiya,” Lucius sing-songed nervously. “What are you doing?”
“Oh, I’m just minding everyone’s stuff. Boss went to go get a hot chocolate for Captain, took the boys. They’re excited to see what flavours of coffee they make at that place down the road. Personally I don’t really care, all seems a bit girly to me.”
“Yeah,” Lucius said. Was this biker talk? Did bikers talk like this? Do bikers have captains? Do bikers drink hot chocolate and get excited about coffee syrup? “So, um, I was kind of wondering, uh… see, I know Stede Bonnet.”
“You know Stede, huh? That’s cool. Jim never mentioned you. They usually mention Stede’s friends.”
“You know Jim Jiminez?”
“Oh yeah, Jim’s cool. You a student, or…”
“No, I’m the TA.”
“Oh, you’re that TA! Jim did mention you!”
Lucius laughed nervously. He made note that he was gonna fucking kill that student. But at least it made more sense that Jim had a video from inside Spanish Jackie’s bar, though. The silence that followed was very awkward. “So,” he said, trying to re-break the ice. “Love that little arm-band. Very cute.”
“Yeah, pretty hot right?” the biker said, admiring the stap of leather around his arm.
Lucius grinned. “Oh yeah, very,” he said, suddenly leaning in. Yeah, this was territory he was better acquainted with.
The biker smiled slyly at Lucius. “I’m Pete by the way, I’m like, sort of super important in Blackbeard’s gang.”
“Oh yeah? Bit of a bad boy, huh?” Lucius asked.
“You could say that,” Pete said in mock-casualness.
But then Lucius remembered what he was doing. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, how do you know Stede?”
“Stede? Captain Stede? He’s boss’s man, you know.”
“Boss’s man?” Lucius asked. What did that mean? Was Stede like a secret criminal defense attorney? Moonlighting as a hitman for hire in gang wars?
“You know. Blackbeard’s husband,” Pete said.
Lucius blinked. “Blackbeard as in Ed,” he probed, trying to sound like he was just double-checking something he already knew. What the fuck?
“Yep! Don’t know any other Eds. Definitely don’t know any other Blackbeards!” Pete laughed. “So like, are you free this weekend…”
“Oh, very,” Lucius said with a smile. He was gonna win so much stupid bet money off those fucking undergrads.
---
#biker-theories-2
kachussy today at 5:40 pm
NOBODY TELL LUCIUS THIS CHANNEL EXISTS I LOCKED HIM OUT OF IT BECAUSE I SAW HIM KISSING ONE OF THE BIKERS AFTER CLASS
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:40 pm
why would we lock him out for that, doesn’t that mean he can tell us what’s going on?
kachussy today at 5:41 pm
NO BECAUSE HE LIED AND SAID HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. HE’S ON THEIR SIDE.
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:41 pm
the bikers have a side now? do you actually have any clue why they follow the prof? maybe he has a cousin in their group or something. it’s probably chill.
kachussy today at 5:41 pm
but the disappearing cop murder accusation thing????
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:45 pm
ok fine i will allow this.
kachussy today at 5:45 pm
so
do you think stede and the bikers are enemies or colleagues?
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:46 pm
you still haven’t decided if you think stede and the bikers are working together or not but you’ve decided that the bikers have a side and that it’s not our side?
kachussy today at 5:46 pm
yes
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:46 pm
you’re an idiot.
sammyhammy today at 5:47 pm
gabe you’re so fucking stupid.
they’re obviously trying to kill him.
- that was a ROUGH black eye.
- we’ve SEEN him trying to loose them in that stupid tiny car like twenty times.
- he’s stede.
sammyhammy today at 5:49 pm
he probably tried to correct the grammar on someone’s shitty latin tattoo and then kept putting his foot in his mouth until they decided to kill him.
maybe he told blackbeard he should consider making sure all his leather was ethically sourced.
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:46 pm
honestly sam is making more sense than usual. it’s probably some dumb shit. stede probably said something really dumb, and now a biker gang are probably using their intimidation tactics on him.
i doubt they’ll kill him but they’re obviously trying to scare the shit out of him
---
“Purpose clauses are negated by ne, result clauses are negated by ut with a negative: ut ... non , ‘that, bleh, not’. Interestingly , it’s possible that the negation of purpose clauses may have taken the utne format and eventually dropped the ut for convenience…”
The door to the hall creaked open slowly and painfully loud. Suddenly, it was being kicked by some guy’s workboots, and slamming with a crack against the wall beside it, wide open.
The guy, who sauntered in with his thumbs in his belt buckles like an total prick, had the most epically douchey moustache Lucius had ever seen. Lucius also didn’t recognise him, despite having thought that at this point Pete had introduced him to all of Stede’s quirkiest friends.
“Hey there, Steve,” the guy said.
“What on earth are you doing here? I’m giving a lecture,” Stede said, not bothering to correct the man.
It was clear that whoever this man was, he was very drunk. He walked right up to Stede, face in his face, and whispered something in the professor’s ear.
“I suggest you take your leave now, Jack,” Stede said, clearly annoyed.
Stede knew this fucker? The audience of students wondered what was going on. Clearly Stede didn’t like this guy, but who was he?
Jack leaned in again and whispered something else.
“If you want to start fights, sir, I ask you to step outside,” Stede said.
“Fuck that,” Jack replied, and took a clumsy, fumbling swing at Stede’s face.
Obviously, he missed.
Stede then surprised everyone—and by the expression on his face, also himself—by taking a swing back. Lucius knew Ed taught him how, but he also had a feeling Stede had never used the technique on a person before. Still, it didn’t fail him. The sound of Stede’s fist connecting with Jack’s face made Lucius flinch.
“Ouch, bugger,” Stede said, flicking the hand that had made impact.
Jack stumbled back with a hand over his face. “Fuck you, man! What the hell did you do to Blackbeard?” He then attempted to surge forward towards Stede, who pulled a disgusted sort of face and kicked his leg out, making impact with the man who had been hunched down low.
Jack then fell backwards onto the ground, and Stede hurriedly looked around. He picked up a rather hefty textbook from the corner of his desk, and walked over to the fumbling Jack on the floor.
“Please just leave,” Stede said.
“No, you fucking asshole! I’m gonna—”
Stede smacked Jack across the head with the textbook.
“Fuck!” Jack yelled as he stumbled and tried to get to his feet, crawling towards the door. “This isn’t over, Steve!”
“Fuck you, Jack!” Stede spat after the man as he crawled out the door like a pathetic worm.
“Nice one, captain!” Jim called out from the corner of the room.
Stede turned back to face the hall. “Oh dear,” he said, and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket to wipe blood off the corner of the textbook. “Now, uh…” Stede blinked up at the students. “I really hate to have to ask this, but I really think it would be better for everyone… um, just to know that you didn’t see anything today, and nothing happened. Raise your hands if you understand.” He sounded very unsure of himself, but that was still the same tone of voice he’d used when he asked Jack to step outside.
And nobody knew what else to do, so they did.
---
#biker-theories-2
sammyhammy today at 5:40 pm
ok stede is fucking scary?????? even though he still sounds dorky as fuck while he is.
what did he do to blackbeard?
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:45 pm
do you think this actually does have anything to do with the cop twins?
has anyone checked to make sure blackbeard isn’t missing?
kachussy today at 5:46 pm
ok but no matter what the answer is, i think we can all agree now that there’s something weird going on and it’s not just a coincidence or bad luck or stede being a goober that got these bikers to follow him.
like, the connection runs deeper.
pam (she/her) today at 5:46 pm
no shit
---
Stede gasped for air as Ed pulled back, a brief break from kissing. “And then he—gosh you’re good at that, hold on—” Stede shifted, lifting Ed better into his lap. “He said, ‘Remember when I fucked your wife?’ and I told him to push off, and he said ‘He still scream my name when he comes or does he pretend to like you better?’”
Ed pulled back. “That fucking bastard. God stop telling me what he said and get to the part where you break his nose.”
“Hit him right between the eyes like you taught me. Bleeding everywhere. He cried!” Stede said. “I feel a little bad…”
“Do you?” Ed asked.
“...No,” Stede said. “But I feel a little bad that I don’t. I mean, he’s a pathetic little bugger, and he clearly has a drinking problem. But I just hate him so much, Ed, he was such a dick to you.”
“You’re my hero, Stede. Fucking him up like that for me. That’s so hot, man.”
“Sure, sure,” Stede said, kissing Ed’s cheeks. “I’m your knight in shining armour. Now come here and kiss my knuckles better, Ed, it hurt a lot more than I was expecting.”
---
kachussy today at 11:56 pm
we all agree stede actually did have something to do with that cop twin thing, though, right?
---
“I know some of those threats we made packed some punch, but really, Nigel probably should have told the police department and at least one person where he was going before he ran off to Barbados,” Stede chuckled across the dinner table.
Ed, placing a lasagne down on a heatproof mat in front of Stede, pink frilly apron over his leather pants and a blue shirt he’d been wearing under his jacket, laughed.
“His brother nearly killed you. Can you believe Chauncy thought you’d murdered the guy? He’s fucking nuts.”
“I thought it was sort of fair. I mean, the arresting thing was a bit more fair, but… I mean, I did give Nigel that concussion.”
“He was threatening you, Stede, that was fair too. And Chauncy is still fucking nuts.”
“Well, they’re both in the Carribean now, so I suppose we don’t have to worry about it anymore…”
“Yeah, babe. It’s gonna be ok, ok?”
---
#biker-theories-2
sammyhammy today at 5:21 pm
guys, you know how stede mentions ed less in class now?
um, i think i know why.
he’s cheating on his husband with blackbeard.
oh also, i saw an old news article and the OG biker? blackbeard himself.
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:22 pm
guys i don’t know if it’s really appropriate to speculate about this kind of stuff
sammyhammy today at 5:22 pm
me and @pam (she/her) and @kachussy and @maggy literally saw them kissing in the parking lot after class
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:23 pm
no
there’s probably a simpler explanation than that. maybe ed is fine with it? is that really a stretch?
kachussy today at 5:23 pm
let me remind you of when stede said ed started crying because stede told him he thought mr darcy in pride and prejudice (1995) was “very especially dashing”
cannelloni (gigi she/they) today at 5:24 pm
NO
wait what the fuck do we do?? i mean it’s none of our business. are we meant to try and fix this or do we just leave it alone?
oh god do you think ed even knows?