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I'm Afraid That Someone Else Will Hear Me

Summary:

Things aren't right in Roman's life. What will he do when he is offered a solution to his problems?

Notes:

so i wrote this before remus's existence and janus's name reveal, and i threw in janus's name, but i didn't want to add remus bc i thought it would focus the storyline on the dynamic between the twins. i love that (and am currently writing a fic exploring it) but that's not what this fic is about. i really like this one, and i hope you guys do too. the title comes from the (shipped) gold standard by fall out boy.

Work Text:

Tapping the blank notebook open on the desk in front of me, I let out a heavy sigh. Three hours ago I told the other sides I was heading to my room to work o the script before Logan looks over it; now it’s nearly midnight and all I’ve done is polish my sword so much it nearly blinded me when it caught the light. Granted, I mostly told them I was leaving to avoid the fight I could feel brewing- Virgil accused Logan of siding with Deceit during the court case, which was not helped when Logan called him immature for being so close-minded towards Deceit. I don’t disagree with him, but I decided to leave as Patton jumped in to try and calm them down, before anyone could drag me into it. I knew someone would bring up my verdict at some point. 

 

Speaking of the verdict… I know it’s ridiculous, but I’ve had an uneasy feeling since the trial. Of course, the wedding was the morally right choice, but it doesn’t feel right. Thomas has been dreaming of an opportunity like the callback since he knew it could exist, but we had to pass it up in favour of being a good friend, something Thomas barely even needs to work harder towards! I just wish- 

 

No. I shake my head vigorously, as if trying to shake away my lingering doubts. How could I ever think that was wrong? Thomas’s friends have always been the most important thing to him, how could I ever think he’d miss the wedding? Not to mention Patton- the literal incarnation of morality- was advocating for the wedding. However a terrible lawyer he was, he had to be on the right side. 

I am completely certain that I made the right decision. 

 

“Ah, I didn’t think I heard someone lying to themself,” a sickeningly familiar voice drawls from behind me. I don’t need to turn around to know who it is, but I feel unguarded with my back to him. 

“Deceit,” I greet him, with far less hostility than the other sides would present. “What do you want?” 

 

Deceit smirks, slithering onto my bed and coiling onto the rumpled silk sheets. “I told you, sweetie. I d… I want you to stop lying to yourself.” I glance at Deceit as he interrupts his own lie. Pausing his strangely truthful speech, he hooks a foot around my leg so I collapse onto the bed beside him. “I know you’re unhappy about what happened in the courtroom- I am quite smart, you know. Intuitive, even…” As he purrs the last words, Deceit flips me around so, before I even know he’s moved, he’s half leaning on me, warm breath tickling my neck. 

 

“Why’d you go against our agreement, honey?” As he presses his lips against my neck, I feel my brain short-circuit and my heart stutter. 

“I- wh- what do you mean?” I gasp. I can feel Deceit’s smug smirk on my neck, and his voice is warm and sweet when he speaks again, like heated honey. 

“I simply thought we were on the same page… or were you just pretending to agree with me?” 

 

I open my mouth to protest, but Deceit keeps talking. “Just when I thought one of you light sides was finally listening to me…” Quickly, frantically even, I sit up as much as I can, placing a hand over his mouth. 

“Of course I agree with you, Dee! I just- it’s easier to try and get the others to listen to you- to us- when they still consider me on their side.” Reading agreement in Deceit’s bi-coloured eyes, I move my hand away. 

 

“Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be going then,” he comments as he stands up, reverting to his natural lies. “I wouldn’t want to keep you from your… productive brainstorming any longer.” During the few seconds in which I follow his gaze to my messy desk, Deceit manages to cross to my bedroom door. “Always a pleasure, Roman, my dear.” Then, in a moment of characteristic class, Deceit manages to slip through the usually creaking door without making a sound, leaving me to ponder the truthfulness of his last statement. 

 

“Oh, hello, Roman,” Logan greets as I finally make my way downstairs, eyes shadowed and voice slurred from sleeplessness, though with a completed first draft of the next video’s script in my shaking hand. Looking up from his work, Logan’s face registers concern. “Have you slept enough recently, Roman? You appear to be experiencing symptoms of sleep deprivation.” 

“Well, I haven’t slept that much, I guess- but I’ve got the script?” Logan opens his mouth to say something, then seems to reconsider it. 

“Thank you. I’ll read this over later.” I smile, making my way back upstairs, trying to figure out why something still feels wrong. 

 

After slamming my door vigorously, I immediately launch into pacing the floorboards, my best way to find a solution. What’s missing… I rack my brain for over ten minutes before the right answer strikes and I fall back on my bed. “No,” I mutter, twisting my fingers into my hair until it hurts. “I can’t miss Deceit. It’s wrong.” 

 

I squeeze my eyes shut, and when I reopen them, the side in question is leaning seductively on my dresser. “D-Deceit!” I bolt up, dropping my hands from my hair in shock. “What, uh, what are you doing here?” Deceit smirks, standing up straight and strolling over to perch next to me. 

“Oh, honey,” he laughs dryly. “I heard you lying to yourself.” My eyes widen in fear. “I heard what you were saying.” Great. My fear has been concerned. “And I must say, I’m flattered.” 

 

Oh. Deceit laughs again, and my heart flutters. “You’re adorable. If you missed me that much,” he drawls, “you should’ve just told me. Come to find me. You would’ve been welcome.” He slides a gloved hand around the back of my neck, pulling me closer while I try and think of a reply. 

“I, uh, I’m not allowed on your side.” Way to sound like a little kid, Roman. Deceit tilts his head to one side, considering. 

 

“What if you were?” Seeing my confusion, Deceit elaborates. “I could make you one of us. Get you out of Patton’s clutches, Logan’s shadow, Virgil’s ridicule. You’re underappreciated where you are now.” His hand slides from my flushed neck to my jaw, raising a trail of goosebumps behind it. “We’d appreciate you. You wouldn’t be undermined. Plus,” a crooked smirk splits his half-scaled face, tearing my heart with it. “I’ll be there. Think it over.” 

 

Suddenly, he presses an addicting kiss to my parted lips, a promise of what else is to come. “I’ll be in the common room tonight, my prince.” With that, the enigma of Deceit disappears without a trace, leaving me, breathless, facing a huge decision. 

 

What am I supposed to do? How can I make a choice here? A choice between the people who have been my family for years, or everything I’ve ever wanted? I try to imagine life on the other side- waking up on my own terms, eating breakfast when and where I want, instead of the awful tension that can settle over family breakfast. Creating what I want to, uninhibited by Logan’s schedule or Patton’s restrictions or Virgil’s caution. A day spent with Deceit, not having to hide. 

 

I know what I want to do. 

 

In my eagerness to meet Deceit, I run down the stairs without realising the sun has risen, until I clatter into the hall and Patton calls out my name. Confused, I peer into the living room- no Deceit- and finally notice the sunlight streaming through the blinds. “Oh,” I mutter. 

“Roman?” Patton asks again. “You’re up early, kiddo,” he adds when I enter the kitchen. 

“Uh, yeah, I couldn’t get back to sleep.” Patton accepts this, and I can’t help but think how Deceit would query it. “You can help me, then!” 

 

Patton carries a steady stream of chatter along as we set out breakfast. Normally I listen, but today all I can focus on is Deceit’s proposal. It’s not a hard decision- I’ve been moderately unhappy here for years- but what he’s suggesting… when I started to actually imagine that life, I felt hopeful for the first time in a while. 

 

The rest of the day seems to drag on forever as I wait for midnight to strike so I can go looking for Deceit. I pick up a million different things- scripts, stories, poetry- but nothing can hold my interest. After what seems like fifty yeats, midnight finally hits, and I slip quietly downstairs. Patton, I’m sure, is asleep, and Logan might be too, but I know Virgil’s awake. 

 

I slink near-quietly down the stairs and into the common room, where I’m met by the gorgeous image of Deceit- hat removed, fluffy hair sticking up, avidly watching some old horror film on mute- to remind me of what convinced me to leave. 

 

“Deceit,” I breathe, catching his attention. 

“Roman!” He stands and catches me in a hug. “I knew you would be here. You made a decision?” 

“I did,” I smile back. “I want to come with you.” The look on Deceit’s face then makes my heart grow three sizes. In those few seconds, I feel more than I’ve felt in years. 

“Wonderful. And, before I do… my name.” Anticipation jolts through me. I’ve been speculating on Deceit’s name, especially lately, and I can barely believe this is real. “My name is Janus.” Janus. It’s the perfect name for him, and I say as much. Janus’s face lights up, illuminating the shadows of vulnerability that had settled there. 

“Thank you for telling me your name,” I say, squeezing Janus’s hand. 

“You are welcome, my prince. Shall we go?”