Work Text:
Act 4 scene 1, basically
Setting: Some Courtroom in Venice
Characters:
D- Duke
A- Antonio
B- Bassanio
B - Boy Portia
N - Nerissa
G- Gratiano
S- Shylock
D- Antonio u der?
A- hi im here
D- rip bozo
A- I will be patient to his fury and suffer his tyranny with my quietness of spirit
🥺
D- Shylock he will literally die
S-ok and?
D- why are you doing this
S- why not
B- kys
S- actually I want to kill Antonio
B- just because you don’t love him :(
S- all because I hate him <3
A- nothing will stop shylock from carrying out his kinky desires.
B- Please Shylock I will be your sugar daddy
S- No stfu
D- I mean Bassanio has a good deal-
S- shut up slave owner
D- Where is the fucking judge
Stefano- He is sick he will not be arri-
D- Thank fucking god please get me out of here
B- I will take part in organ trafficking if that saves you Antonio
A- weird take but ok
S- *sharpens his knife*
B- why
S- I want that man meat fr
G- you sick fuck
S- I know.
G- inexecrable dog Pythagoras was right you wolf man goddammit how are you so weird
S- stop screaming
D- GUYS PLEASE GET A JUDGE IN HERE
N- *enters*
N- The judge is outside, you might wanna check out this letter-
D- Go get the guy in here you dumbasses
*snatches letter*
*reads*
Hi Duky it’s me Bellario. I’m sick asf and not in a skater boy way . Anyway I’m getting my bae to cover for me if that helps you guys. I told him about whatever shitty kink play that is gonna take place when I’m away. We ended up reading many law books together which was pretty steamy but I feel like you’re already stuck in your own gay smutty novel that’s inevitably happening. Hope he helps.
xoxo kisses hmu for dinner later.
D- Well that was a shitshow.
BP - *enters*
BP- I’m here
D- Omg hiiii
BP- ...
Everyone- …
BP- Moving on
BP - Kinda need an introduction here
D- Oh right Antonio Shylock come forth
BP- Yo Shylock dat u?
S- Hi I’m here
BP- weird fetishes my guy but ig I can’t really stop you
BP (to Antonio) - You’re the one who’s gonna die?
A- yea
BP- rip bozo
BP- Shylock pls spare him
S- Why tho
BP- because we are all chirren of Jesus
S- ok and?
BP- Is he not able to give you like any money?
B- I will take part in organ trafficking if that saves you Antonio
(A- not again)
BP- Well then
BP- Antonio ur kinda dead
S- omg Daniel sama roast him harder 😩
BP- shut up and hand me the bond
S- here it is baby boy 🥺
BP- Bro this guy’s willing to give you thrice the money you offered
Shylock – I’m more willing to give him pleasure with my knife 😏
BP- Oh god please stop speaking I’ll let you do whatever you want
S- ilysm bae I’ll deff pay you back after I’m done w my sugar baby
A- can the court please give their judgement I’m fucking done-
BP- prepare your bosom for his knife
(A- 😩 😩 😩 time to undress for my shdaddy)
S- oh my god im so turned on rn
BP- as sad as this is it’s kinda the law-
S- So true I agree
BP- So lay bare your bosom
S- Cmon Antonio show dem tiddies let my I promise I’ll steal your heart 😩😩
BP- is there a balance to weigh the flesh
S- yeah I have it right here
*audible booing*
BP- Do you have a surgeon
S- But why do we need one
BP- Because he’ll literally die
S- Well it’s not in the bond B)
BP- Antonio what are your thoughts?
A- Give me your hand Bassanio, I fell into this shit because of you, but I would do it again if I had the chance. I’ll help you get all the bitches you want as long as I get to stay in the bottom of your heart and on top of your body.
B- Omg bae, I might love my wife and my life, but I’d kill her and myself to save you and your sexy 14 inch
BP- I’m right here 💀
G- I’ll ditch Nerissa if we can have a threesome
N- what the fuck-
S- God what has my daughter gotten herself into
BP- You win the pound now kill him already
S- thanks bae
BP- Grab your scissors we’re in for a ride
S- I’ve come prepared to take a bite
BP- Lol jk you can’t rlly take out his blood cus you didn’t put it in the bond
S- What
BP- if you do we will kill you and take all your money
G- ur suddenly so hot
BP - So unless you get his flesh out while keeping his blood in you're kinda fucked
S- Is that really the law?
BP- Yeah fr
G- kiss me judge
BP- ok you can cut his flesh now
G- omg Daniel sama harder
BP- u still tryna foreplay shylock?
S- Ykw ill take the money
B- I have it w me right here
BP- You refused it in open court L
G- ilysm Daniel
Shit Shylock’s rubbing off of me
S- naw fuck this my money’s more important than a bunch of man tiddies
BP- You are so wrong.
S- I’m leaving
BP- Not before daddy duke punishes you for being a bad boy 😈 😈 😈
G- shylock kindly kys
D- I’m taking all your money
BP- Letsgo W
S- I’m unironically going to kill myself
BP- Antonio what are your thoughts
A- All hail Jesus Praise the Lord save his soul-
D- I'll save him for you Antonio <3
D- psst Balthazar will you join me for dinner afterwards
BP- kinda gay ngl
D- me tbh
I do not know what I have written
But I am going to post it anyway
Hope you enjoyed this is the end