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There had been a plan to all this that got lost at some point, Hyunjin thinks. He had just been wanting some company, some friendly conversation, and maybe to oversee his band mate baking with the hope of getting some freshly-baked yet ill-advised late-night brownies.
The plan certainly did not originally intend to involve Hyunjin standing behind Lee Felix’s bedroom door listening to him masturbate, but that’s exactly how it has ended up playing out.
There had been steps up towards this moment, and it probably all began a few months ago when they moved out of their old dorm. Now that everyone’s got their own rooms, Hyunjin has quickly found that he grows a little lonely sometimes, unused to having his own space when all the other guys are around. He misses the feeling of people pressed up against him from either side, or a hand on his leg, someone’s fingers in his hair. He is just missing out on having that constant human touch that he’s grown to love.
No one talks about how lonely it is sometimes to be an idol, and with more and more eyes on them all the time they’re even starting to have to be a little more careful when it comes to public skinship. What’s the point of skinship if no one is going to see it? Changbin had joked when Hyunjin pressed his face against his neck in the kitchen, inhaling the fresh scent of his body wash, no cameras in sight.
He’s right, in a way. Maybe the others don’t quite need it like Hyunjin has grown to, don’t feel the weight of wanting a friendly touch like an itch against their skin. Maybe they don’t see the other side of their bed as empty, now, rather than spacious.
Felix does, though. They’ve always been so similar in some ways, so different in others, but their want for touch is something they share. It goes deeper than skinship or something for the cameras; it’s just a basic want, a need. It’s something primal and harmless and nothing Hyunjin really has ever had to think about actively seeking out, until they split into having their own single rooms and the concept of privacy was introduced back into their lives.
Hyunjin is lonely, and so he had headed out in search of someone else who knows how he feels.
Living with the 3RACHA boys is fine, but it also meant that when they scheduled time to work on their new lyrics and compositions, Hyunjin was left alone in the big, new dorm with no one to talk to. Not wanting to sulk about by himself for an evening, Hyunjin decided that he was going to pay a visit next door, see if Felix is available to hang out with him. The other dorm is close enough to visit easily but he still felt a little miserable as he shuffled his way down the hall towards his goal, tugging his hoodie close around himself.
It felt a little strange, a little needy, visiting Felix with the intention of just wanting to be near someone. He could see Seungmin instead, if Felix wasn’t in, but Felix is the most cuddly of the members, the most likely to let Hyunjin lie on his bed with his head on Felix’s stomach as they talked nonsense, which is just all that he wanted. The front door to the dorm had been open — stupid but predictable — and Hyunjin tried to be as silent as possible as he crept through the kitchen towards Felix’s new room.
It had taken a while to realise it, but Hyunjin finds Felix fascinating. From the first day they’d met —young, tired, hungry for more — he’d been drawn to him; something about his accented Korean, his crooked teeth, the freckles beneath the makeup all playing together to make Hyunjin look once, back again, trying not to think too much on it. As they got closer, worked together longer, hung out more, Hyunjin found that Felix really is just different. He’s abstract, he’s loud, he’s primary colours splashed together in a way that just works, and Hyunjin can’t help but to want to spend a little more time in his vicinity.
He just hadn’t thought that any of that time would be spent… like this.
He’d been about to just let himself into Felix’s room when a noise from within had made him pause, a gasp followed by the low rumble of Felix’s voice, too muffled by the door to understand what he was saying. Hyunjin had stopped and listened for a moment, and then there had been another sound, this time far less ambiguous. This was a moan.
Heat quickly rose to Hyunjin’s cheeks as he realised that Felix was probably making use of his newfound privacy, enjoying his time alone in ways that were usually saved for the five uninterrupted minutes he could hope for in their shared bathroom. Which was — it was fine, it was good. No, not good. It was alright. It was just something that was happening, neither good or bad. Hyunjin wasn’t listening. He was going to turn around, he was definitely going to find Seungmin instead, he was—
Except that he didn’t. Hyunjin had stayed, and then stayed for longer, and now he’s here, standing outside of Felix’s door while he tries to keep his breathing steady, listening to what most certainly has been his friend jacking off for the past five minutes.
“Ah, fuck,” Felix moans from behind the door — in English but Hyunjin wouldn’t care if he were speaking French, Portuguese, some obscure language only spoken by a few people on a distant island that he has never even heard of. Hyunjin can understand this, the shaking breaths that he can just barely hear in between the gasps and moans, the subtle tones of Felix’s pleasure. Felix must be loud, if Hyunjin can hear him through the door, and he racks his brain trying to remember if he’s ever overheard Felix jerking off before. Probably, but he hadn’t been listening then, always made a point not to listen to anyone when they were in the shower for a little longer than seems necessary.
He feels like a pervert, standing so close to the door that it’d be obvious to anyone passing by that he was listening in. And maybe he is, maybe this is weird, and kind of fucked up, and crossing so many boundaries that he’s so-very-carefully not crossed all these years, but—
But Hyunjin stays where he is, waiting with baited breath to hear the little snippets of moans through the door.
Hyunjin wonders what would happen if he opened the door now. If Felix would pull him close, tug his hands between his legs and ask, all syrupy sweet, “Help me out, Hyung?” He wonders if Felix would moan for him, would clutch at him, keep him close, would want to feel Hyunjin’s hands on him as much as Hyunjin needs it.
He could— he could do it. He has let himself into the dorms before, he’s dropped in on Jisung without asking more times than he can count, but when he knows what Felix is— what’s happening— he couldn’t…
“Yongbok-ah? Are you awake?”
Turns out that Hyunjin is a coward, and he hears Felix swear from behind the door at the call of his name. Hyunjin tries to look like he wasn’t listening, and the door creaks open a smidge to reveal Felix’s face, eyebrows furrowed in concern, cheeks flushed.
“You alright?”
Felix’s voice is scratchy and low, like he’s just woken up, like he’s just been singing, like he’s just been getting himself off and trying to keep his soft moans behind his teeth. Hyunjin doesn’t feel alright— he feels suddenly, inexplicably flooded with want, but he nods his head anyway, letting his hair fall over his face as if that will help hide anything.
“I just wanted to see you.”
It’s true, it was true, but now Hyunjin wants to see a lot more. He doesn’t want to play with Felix’s fingers as they look through their phones, he doesn’t want to just be a warm body beside him. Hyunjin wants— he wants Felix, in a way that he’d never thought about, in a way he’s not allowed to think about.
“Can you give me a minute? I’m getting ready for bed.” He’s still got the door mostly closed, but Hyunjin can see he’s still fully clothed.
He could push, if he wanted. He could call Felix out on it, could see what he could do. It would be risky, dangerous. It would embarrass them both. Hyunjin swallows, and then he pushes. “When have you ever been shy?”
He keeps eye contact with Felix, daring him to close the door, daring him to argue. He shouldn’t be surprised when Felix takes a step back and lets Hyunjin into his room, but he is, and Hyunjin’s eyes dart down to see if Felix is still hard in his shorts, or if he’d made himself come just before Hyunjin had knocked on the door.
Felix follows his eyes down, down to where he’s clearly hard in his shorts.
“Bastard!” Felix hits his arm, giggling as Hyunjin steps into the room, seemingly unashamed at the idea of being caught with his dick tucked into his waistband, obvious to anyone who is looking. Hyunjin is looking. “You totally knew, fuck you! Can’t you give a man privacy?” He holds onto Hyunjin’s arm, hitting him again with a laugh. It’s the kind of bravado that’s bred from so long without privacy, confidence to hide any shame, and Hyunjin knows how to play this game well.
“Who would have thought that you were so loud, Felix.” Hyunjin turns into Felix’s hold, stepping close so that the height difference between them suddenly feels much more than usual. “I could hear you from down the hall.” Felix looks shocked for a moment, his lips parting and eyes dropping to Hyunjin’s mouth before trailing back up to his eyes.
“Who would have thought you were such a voyeur, hyung.”
There’s a moment here, Hyunjin feels it vibrating between them, static energy drawing them minutely closer to one another. Felix’s hand on his arm tightens, his eyes daring.
“Is it my fault for listening if you’re making such a show of it?”
Felix grins, wide and toothy and beautiful, and then he presses up against Hyunjin’s chest. Hyunjin’s breath catches in his throat, all teasing words dying on his tongue as he feels the very real, very solid weight of Felix’s body against his own.
“Are you coming in, then?”
They’re standing just barely inside of Felix’s room, the fire door propped open by Hyunjin’s shoulders, as if they don’t care if anyone else sees them like this. Hyunjin wouldn’t care if anyone were to see, Felix is always pressing up against someone or other, and it seems unlikely that anyone would think anything of it. It’s just Felix, in all his platonic touchy-feely glory. What they wouldn't see is the hot line of Felix’s cock pressing up against Hyunjin’s thigh where they’re standing so close together, totally unabashed.
Hyunjin doesn’t reply with words, just walks Felix backwards until he trips over his own feet, grinning. Felix’s sheets are rumpled and messy — that stupid Changbin pillow propped up against the headboard — and Felix falls willingly back into them, dragging Hyunjin down with him. They wiggle about on the bed for a minute, getting comfortable, before Hyunjin relaxes onto his side, curling up so that he’s in the perfect position to be spooned.
“I actually just wanted to see you,” Hyunjin complains, dragging Felix’s arms around himself when he doesn’t take up the spooning hint. “It’s not my fault you wanted to scar me.”
“Scar you,” Felix scoffs, nosing his way into the nape of Hyunjin’s neck, making him shudder. “It’s what you get for being nosy.”
Hyunjin closes his eyes, relaxing into the touch, enjoying what it is he came here for.
He could fall asleep like this, has fallen asleep like this many times before. Felix is so warm behind him, his fingers trailing down Hyunjin’s arm as they breathe together.
Felix shifts, his knees slotting up against the backs of Hyunjin’s. He moves a little more, his forehead pressing against the back of Hyunjin’s head as he wriggles one leg between Hyunjin’s thighs, then squirms, a discontented noise exhaled into Hyunjin’s hair.
“Will you stop?” Hyunjin asks, faux irritated.
Felix doesn’t reply immediately, still moving around against Hyunjin’s back.
“I’m just—” Felix curls his legs up, tucking himself tight up against Hyunjin’s back, which has the added effect of pressing his still semi-hard dick against Hyunjin’s ass.
“I see.”
Hyunjin doesn’t move, and now neither does Felix. They both lie frozen, Felix so, so warm behind Hyunjin, his breaths hot and wet against the nape of his neck.
“Sorry,” Felix breathes, not moving, “sorry, I’m just still really horny.”
Hyunjin laughs the smallest laugh he can muster, not wanting to break this strange moment. Felix laughs too, moves his hips a little so that he’s grinding — just slightly — against Hyunjin’s ass.
This is a line they really haven’t ever crossed. Living with so many other guys for the majority of his teenage years — yeah, there are some things that he wishes he’d never seen. But that had always been teasing, the butt of a joke, something silly and shameful and never made Hyunjin feel the way that he does now, with Felix’s hand shaking near imperceptibly as he holds onto Hyunjin’s wrist.
“Yeah?” Hyunjin’s voice is scratchy, lower than usual. Fuck, now he’s really turned on too. Felix grinds against him again, his breath catching, and Hyunjin grits his teeth, stares at the wall, at Felix’s cupboard, at anything to try and not get too caught up in how fucking hot this is all of a sudden. “Need a hand?”
Felix moans into Hyunjin’s hair, just as low and loud as Hyunjin expected. It’s even sexier up close, especially with how Felix is holding his wrist so tight, like he needs Hyunjin to stay, just like this. “What do you mean?”
What do you mean? What does Hyunjin mean, what is he offering here? What would Felix take?
An image flashes into Hyunjin’s mind, just for a moment, enough time to take root as an idea. Now that he’s thought of it, he wants it, wants it like he wants Felix; very quickly and all at once and completely overwhelmingly.
“I can blow you?”
Felix sits up immediately, his comforting warmth gone, and he rolls Hyunjin onto his back with one hand. He’s staring down at him, wild eyed, hair mussed and ears red. He looks so, so beautiful.
“You’re serious?” Felix’s voice is doing that thing again, gone too deep and thick. He’s looking at Hyunjin’s mouth, and Hyunjin licks his lips, knows what he looks like. Hyunjin shrugs one shoulder, hoping that he doesn’t look as into this as Felix does.
“If you want.”
He’s playing it cool, but unsuccessfully, he knows. Felix will see through his short answers, Felix can always tell what he’s thinking, now. He’s still looking down at Hyunjin, silent, and Hyunjin takes the moment to slide off the bed, his knees thumping against the floor as he lets his weight drag him down, the discomfort of it clearing his head ever so slightly. Not enough to make him feel like this is a bad idea, not when Felix is shuffling down the bed so that his calves hang off the edge, the hairs on his legs obviously recently shaved down, stubbly. Hyunjin looks up at him, smiles to himself when Felix laughs and pushes his shorts down enough to get his dick out, and then his attention is occupied elsewhere.
Felix’s cock is cute, is the frustrating thing. Wet at the tip and a shade or two darker than the rest of him, jumping slightly at Hyunjin’s serious regard. Felix sighs when Hyunjin leans closer, purposely breathing out so that his breath ghosts over the sensitive head of Felix’s dick.
Hyunjin has done this before, but not with any of the band, not with Felix. Felix shifts a little bit, his hips tipping forward as if he's trying to encourage Hyunjin to get on with things, enticing him closer. His cheeks are almost as flushed as his dick, and Hyunjin doesn’t know where he’d rather look; the draw of Felix’s brows — furrowed in the middle, his mouth parted in anticipation — or his cock, the sliver of bared skin and wiry hair exposed above where he’s shoved his shorts down, the shininess of the pre-come slicking the tip of his dick.
“Hyunjin,” Felix breathes out, and Hyunjin decides that he wants to see Felix’s face while he does this, watch the way that his expressions shift, the way his mouth falls open around his name. He leans forward until he can feel the heat of Felix’s skin, bare. “Are you sure?”
It seems pointless to ask this now, with Hyunjin on his knees on the floor, with Felix’s cock inches from his face. If he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be here, and Hyunjin gets his point across by gently taking hold of Felix’s dick in one hand and then dragging his tongue slowly across the head.
“Aah!” Felix half raises off the bed, inhaling sharply, his entire body tensing beneath Hyunjin’s touch. “Shit, alright.”
He tastes salty, obviously leaking a little already. There’s an artificial taste too, the lube that he’d been using earlier, and Hyunjin does his best to lick away any remnants until it’s just his own spit and Felix’s pre-come on his tongue, eyes dropping closed as he gets into it, taking him a little further into his mouth. When he opens them again, Felix is still looking down at him, mouth pressed together, jaw clenched.
“Good?” Hyunjin asks, ducking back down before he gets an answer. He tucks his hair behind his ear, making a show of it so that Felix can watch how his cock disappears into his mouth, and this earns him a reverent hand over his cheek before Felix winds his fingers into Hyunjin’s hair, holding him gently.
“Yeah, yeah, you’re so good.”
The praise goes straight to Hyunjin’s dick — not something he thought he’d be into but good to know — and he bobs down low enough that Felix’s cock hits the back of his throat, suppressing a gag like he’s learned how to.
Hyunjin sucks Felix’s dick like that, on his knees between Felix’s legs, the room slowly darkening as the sun sets and neither of them care to stop to turn the lights on. Felix swears, sometimes in English, sometimes in Korean, both so lovely to hear, egging Hyunjin on. Felix’s thighs shake beneath Hyunjin’s palms, and Hyunjin desperately doesn’t think of pushing Felix’s thighs wide, of the other places he could put his mouth, other ways he could make Felix curse and moan and cry out for him.
This will do for now, though, Hyunjin shouldn’t be greedy, although he is always greedy when it comes to Felix. He can feel that Felix is close, can taste it, and while Hyunjin can’t exactly take him all the way into his throat like the guys in the porn he watches can, he can still wrap his fingers around where he can’t reach, jerking him off as he tongues around the head, lapping up his own spit as Felix’s fingers tighten in his hair, trying to drag Hyunjin down, closer.
Eventually, Felix moans, low and long, breaking off into a little whimper as he comes in Hyunjin’s mouth. Hyunjin makes sure to work him through it, only stopping when Felix taps at his head, voice breaking as he begs, “stop, stop, it’s too much.”
When Hyunjin pulls back, delicately wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he swallows his come, Felix is still breathing heavily through his orgasm, his eyes screwed shut, red mouth open. It’s pretty cute. Hyunjin finally presses a hand to the front of his jeans where his cock is straining up against his fly, and can’t help but whine at the relief, letting himself feel how turned on he is. Felix’s eyes open and he looks down at Hyunjin.
“Let me,” Felix says, and Hyunjin watches as he starts to slide off of his bed and onto the floor, reaching for the front of Hyunjin’s jeans. “I’ll return the favour, yeah?”
Hyunjin can’t help the desperate noise that leaves him at that — the mere idea of Felix’s mouth on his dick has him perilously close. Felix doesn’t stop his advance, though, and practically plasters himself to Hyunjin’s body as he slips his hand down the front of his jeans, wrapping his fist around his cock.
“Yongbok.” Hyunjin wants to kiss him, but instead just says his name, lets Felix press his body against Hyunjin’s, feels himself melt into the touch. “Just touch me.”
“Never thought you’d say that,” Felix teases, tucking his face into Hyunjin’s neck, his mouth hot and wet on his skin as he smiles against him. “Like this?” Felix works his hand below Hyunjin’s waistband, fingers wiggling. One accidentally catches the tip of Hyunjin’s dick, sliding against where he’s wet with pre-come, and Hyunjin gasps, curling up into Felix’s touch.
“Felix,” Hyunjin whines, then again when Felix closes his fist around his cock, jerking him slowly, “Oh, Felix.”
Felix’s puff of laughter against Hyunjin’s neck makes him squirm, and then gasp when his mouth follows, teeth sharp and lovely as he sucks and bites at Hyunjin’s neck, the roughness eased by his gentle grip on his dick.
It doesn't take long for Hyunjin to come, unsurprising when he’s got Felix like this, touching him all over, pressed close with his hands and his mouth and his chest. Hyunjin comes into Felix’s hand and his own underwear, tilting his neck back for one last bite as Felix’s hand stills, his grip going lax and he just breathes into Hyunjin’s spit-wet neck.
“All good?” Felix’s voice cracks and Hyunjin grins, letting his head fall back on his shoulder so that he can look at Felix from upside-down. He is all good, he’s very good.
“Good,” Hyunjin says in English, teasing, and Felix kisses him.
It’s quick, gentle, uncomfortable from where Hyunjin is craning his neck backwards, but Felix kisses him. His lips are soft and wet, not dry like Hyunjin’s probably are, and he closes his eyes, more sensible than Hyunjin’s own cross-eyed stare.
“Good,” Felix repeats back to him. He slips his hand out of Hyunjin’s jeans and wipes it on his bedsheets — super gross — and Hyunjin twists so that he’s facing Felix then kisses him again, this time more insistent, less gentle. He swipes his tongue once against the swell of Felix’s lower lip and that feels like too much, he’s crossed a line there, tasting Felix’s mouth, and Hyunjin pulls back, trying not to let the shaking feeling in his chest travel down to his hands.
They sit on the floor for a moment, facing each other, breathing heavily as if they’ve been kissing for hours, not just a quick, barely suggestive meeting of their mouths.
“Can we get on the bed?” Hyunjin asks, ears going hot when he realises what that sounds like. “I just want to be near you.”
“Sure,” Felix croaks, and they get onto his bed, lying side by side and they scroll through their phones, playing with each other’s fingers. They don’t kiss again, they don’t talk about it, and the buzzing want returns and settles deep in Hyunjin’s chest. He’s content like this, satiated, happy with what he can have. Every now and again he can feel Felix’s eyes on him and he waits for him to say something, for him to roll closer, for the press of his mouth to his jaw, but it doesn’t come.
Eventually, Hyunjin starts yawning. It’s late, although not as late as he usually goes to bed. They’d been up early this morning filming, and so it’s knocked his sleep schedule into something more resembling a usual human being’s. It’s not awkward when he makes his excuses, and Felix gives his fingers one final squeeze as Hyunjin slides off the bed to pad his way back to his own dorm, throwing Felix a sleepy wave as he goes.
He’s barely left Felix’s room when he gets a message from Felix: anytime you want to hang, let me know. it was nice.
A moment later, another: i can message you when the guys are out…just saying
And finally: i owe you one, right? just let me know when!
Hyunjin tries to bite down the smile that creeps at the edge of his lips, but isn’t too bothered when he can’t quite manage it.
Perhaps this whole ‘separate rooms’ business has some merit, after all.