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In the year Hua Cheng was gone, Xie Lian had not cried.
He had built up a cottage. He had planted a garden. Had greeted friends and occasionally assisted with heaven.
But Xie Lian did not cry. He trusted Hua Cheng would return, he just had to be patient.
He had never been a big crier anyways. Before meeting Hua Cheng he was not sure he could remember the last time he really cried. Perhaps he cried one of the many times he was killed, but he couldn’t really recall one way or another so it was simply speculation.
Hua Cheng had taught him to cry out if something hurt, but waiting for Hua Cheng was not painful, so Xie Lian did not cry.
It seemed now that he was back though, that Xie Lian couldn’t stop crying about the stupidest things.
Laughter bubbled on his lips as they tussled, a gentle competition to see who could pin the other and press the most kisses before they launched a counterattack.
It was so easy to be happy with Hua Cheng, to press him to the floor with hardly any of his strength and shower his lover’s face with eager, quick pecks that had Hua Cheng radiating joy.
And then, as if he was terribly tricky, Hua Cheng triumphantly reversed their positions and captured his lips in a chaste kiss. Then another. And then Hua Cheng’s fingers were linking with his own on their red thread hands and his other hand was cupping Xie Lian’s face so gently while their kiss deepened.
It was good and it felt safe and it was everything he wanted.
So why was Xie Lian crying?
“Gege,” Hua Cheng pulled back, gaze concerned. This was not the first time Xie Lian had broken down crying since he’d been back.
“Please it’s— San Lang doesn’t have to worry, I want this.” He very much didn’t want a repeat of what had happened the first time Xie Lian had broken down crying in the middle of cuddling. Hua Cheng had taken forever to be coaxed back into his arms.
“You don’t have to. This one wouldn’t leave if your highness wanted less.”
“I know,” Xie Lian squeezed his hand tighter. “I want this,” he promised again. He wanted Hua Cheng to never stop touching him.
“If this is too fast—“
“It’s not,” Xie Lian swore, because it really wasn’t. They weren’t doing anything more than they had before really and he felt just as safe and happy and willing as ever.
Hua Cheng still hesitated, his touch light as he dried Xie Lian’s cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
Xie Lian hadn’t been able to explain before. Hadn’t been able to do much more than insist he didn’t want Hua Cheng to leave and admittedly he hadn’t given himself much space to examine why he’d reacted that way.
He’d felt bouts of it rise up a few times now though and had a rough idea of what was happening.
Sighing, Xie Lian put his free hand up over Hua Cheng’s so he could nuzzle his face into that palm that sent heat straight through him, even if it made the tears well up again.
“Sometimes when I touch you it’s so much.”
“It can be less, if your highness is overwhelmed this one will stop.”
“I don’t want to stop,” Xie Lian reminded, tone a bit sharper. “It’s overwhelming and I like it.”
Hua Cheng’s hand twitched in his. “It’s overwhelming enough to make you cry?”
Xie Lian nodded, voice feeling thick. “Sometimes when you touch me,” his breath came out shaky as he pressed a kiss to his lover’s palm. “It’s like I’m on fire. It’s like I’m pure spiritual energy.” He paused, gathering his bearings again. “Sometimes San Lang touches me and I can feel how much I’m loved and I remember everything these hands have done for me and all the prayers those lips have whispered. It’s overwhelming but I like it, I promise.”
Hua Cheng seemed to have relaxed a bit, searching Xie Lian’s face with a bit of awe. “Like you can’t believe it’s real.”
Xie Lian nodded.
“Like every touch is amplified by how long you’ve wanted this.”
Xie Lian nodded again.
“Like you’ve been unhappy for so long that it’s almost scary how nice things feel now.”
“San Lang understands then?”
“Your highness…”
Xie Lian looked up at him, tears gone but shaky catharsis still making itself at home in his throat.
Hua Cheng did not finish his thought, leaning down to capture Xie Lian’s lips in another kiss, this one more desperate.
Xie Lian let himself get lost in it. In the cool palm that pressed hot like fire into his own. In the electric rush that fizzled out from the contact Hua Cheng’s thighs had against his own. On the static shock that seemed to light up every part of him from the overwhelming force of being surrounded by the person he loved and he was so very happy.
Hua Cheng made happiness so simple but for centuries Xie Lian had been alone and happiness had not been easy. And touch had not been easy. None of it was easy and it was so easy now so it shouldn’t hurt and it didn’t really but it felt a bit like hurt as he pulled the ghost king closer and sobbed into their kiss.
Except Xie Lian wasn’t the only one crying.
“What’s wrong?” Xie Lian managed as Hua Cheng kissed away his tears, even while fresh ones trailed down his own cheeks.
“My god wants me,” Hua Cheng whispered.
“What’s wrong with that?” Xie Lian tried to still the frantic press of Hua Cheng’s pecks to meet his eye.
“Nothings wrong with that, gege,” Hua Cheng’s laugh was wet and half choked.
But Xie Lian understood.
“I want you,” he said, just to make sure Hua Cheng knew it without any doubt. “I want every part of you.”
Hua Cheng trembled above him. “And I’m here. This San Lang will never leave gege alone again.”
How was it that he always knew just what Xie Lian wanted to hear most?
“And you love me.” It wasn’t a question, because Xie Lian knew it to be true, but Hua Cheng still answered.
“Gege, I love you so much. I worship you.”
“I love you. I love San Lang.” Because he knew it must be clear but he couldn’t bear not to say it now.
Hua Cheng nuzzled close, as though Xie Lian was the one with a history of flying away into a cloud of butterflies if he didn’t hold on tight enough.
“I never thought I could have this,” Hua Cheng admitted with the quietest whisper.
“Me neither.” Xie Lian laughed, feeling stupid for the tears he couldn’t stop. “San Lang I don’t want to sleep tonight, can’t we just cuddle?”
“Of course,” Hua Cheng nuzzled so close you would’ve thought he was trying to burrow inside Xie Lian.
Xie Lian thought he might have liked it if he could.
“We should move to the bed.”
“En,” Hua Cheng started to pull back, only to be stopped by Xie Lian. “Gege? Don’t you want to move to bed?”
“In just another minute.”
Hua Cheng pressed close again. It really was overwhelming how much Xie Lian felt when it came to him.
“We can take as many minutes as gege wants.”
Xie Lian nodded, holding him close for a bit longer before he rolled Hua Cheng onto their sides and led him by the hand to bed.
Hua Cheng followed, obedient and quiet, dried tears still covering his face.
“Ah, San Lang,” Xie Lian moved to clean them. “We’re both messes, aren’t we?”
“Does gege mind?”
“No,” Xie Lian wouldn’t have traded this for anything in the world. “Of course not.”
It didn’t take long for them to settle, Xie Lian chest to chest with him set on his lap. Their heads over each other’s shoulders and hands twirling at each other’s hair.
It was too much and not enough and everything Xie Lian needed all at once. And he loved it, he loved Hua Cheng so much.
So they sat, night turning to morning as they exchanged stupid stories and held each other close. If he cried more that night he knew Hua Cheng wouldn’t judge him.
There really was nowhere else he would rather be.