Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It was quiet.

Shinji took it as a guarantee, knowing that upon entering his apartment it would be silent besides the tiny drop of a faucet he might have left on; maybe the air conditioning system or the sound of a television next door. Pleasant sounds, the contrast of silence and scarce noise soothing almost, but nothing suggested any sign of life within that small apartment.

Even when he would get back home from school that day. Even after he had actually returned to the place he lived, his presence didn't change much. It was still quiet.

Shinji didn't make much noise- he could well be considered the perfect neighbor, courteous to the rest of the people on his level as well as the ones below and above his floor. He never brought loud friends over, or played his radio too loud. Never used up all the hot water, left his mail cluttered on his step, or paid his rent late.

It was almost as if no one lived in that apartment at all.

And he was fine with that, he didn't want anyone bothering him which- no, now that wasn't necessarily true. But it was complicated. It was hard to explain. Shinji didn't mind being alone, but it was lonely being alone. In a silent, lifeless apartment that didn't seem to change even once he got back, that was hard and reasonably would be for anyone. It wasn't a home. He didn't feel at home. Then again, he never really had.

The one exception might have been music. Though it didn't provide shelter, or a heating and cooling system or a place to sleep, Shinji felt better listening to the sweetly orchestrated sounds of music than he felt at the place he paid so he could call it his own. Laying on his back on his futon in the middle of his room, he missed hearing the sound of full notes hitting in such a melody that made him smile. So he put in his earbuds, and chose an overture, tucking his hands behind his head and closing his eyes. A recording didn't do the music justice, didn't really emit that feeling that rippled through his core- happiness -but it was good enough.

Shinji Ikari was a good person. He kept telling himself that, an underscore of thoughts under resonating string instruments, I'm a good person... I'm nice enough at least... People see that, right? His struggle to accept himself was probably worse than how others already accepted him. To everyone else, Shinji was the token shy kid at the back of the class; nothing special about him, no reason to really interact more than necessary, no real opinion other than neutral on the boy.

That's why the occasional bite of a comment would hurt him so deeply- cut his heart like an actual knife would, but shallow enough not to spill blood. It hurt so bad. That the few direct interactions he had with people were meaningless, or negative- Asuka. He didn't hate her, she wasn't a bad person, she was just... The complete opposite of Shinji, it seemed; loud, confident, and unafraid to state her opinion. Especially on the quiet boy in the back of the classroom.

"Teacher, why don't you call on Ikari?" She would smirk, hand high in the air with no question or answer, even though she'd been called on. "He hasn't said anything all class. I don't think you're giving him enough attention."

And the teacher would ignore her, the class would turn back to Shinji and snicker a little. He would smile shyly, rest his chin on his propped hand and pretend it hadn't bothered him, of course it hadn't... it was just Asuka playing the smart ass... he was okay, he was fine. But in honesty, he wasn't, yet would be if she didn't do things like that so often. Little incidents like that happened maybe once a week, it wasn't a big deal really it shouldn't have been anyways- but on top of the general stress, the occasional spike of social anxiety- it affected him more than Asuka or even the rest of the students would realize. Or ever find out. He kept it to himself.

That was really a regular day for him.

Go to school, try to ignore everything... everyone... he was so used to being alone...

Come home and zone out on the floor.

Make himself some food.

More music.

Maybe sleep that night.

The quiet helped.

He turned over on his side, blinking slowly... Wishing things were different.

He hated himself, he was weak, this wasn't how he wanted to live his life... But Shinji wasn't at the breaking point. He could live like this. Hell, he had for years, nothing had changed. And though he tried to will himself to stand up and do something!, his rational side reasoned you really don't have to. Its' too much work. In the long run, who cares?

He didn't have to change anything, in fact it wasn't worth the effort to do so.

So he kept his eyes closed, a collection of deep symphonic sounds comforting him of all things as he lay there. Half awake, half asleep, and not really alive.

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Classes weren't a big deal. Shinji earned decent grades, though he didn't have anyone to present them proudly to. His teachers weren't horribly incompetent, and the subjects themselves usually kept him awake.

Not today, though.

He hadn't slept the night before, and it hadn't been a decision more than he just couldn't fade into unconsciousness no matter how hard he tried, or didn't try . He was exhausted, and nothing was helping. He had watched the sky through slanted blinds turn from blue to purple to black. The din of cars and airplanes seemed louder then compared to their daytime drone. And from black to orange to blue, the sky returned. I didn't sleep at all... again...

Hastily dressed in a buttoned collar shirt, jeans and the only pair if shoes he wore- he stood zoned out next to his locker with his bag still slung over one shoulder, practically asleep. His snapped out of his daze for a second as he caught his reflection in the polished metal door and ran his fingers through messy hair. Slipping his earbuds into the caves of his ears was the final touch.

Rei, pretty despite her strange looks, was at the locker next to him and gave Shinji a questioning look. She didn't speak, but he got what she was asking, and replied without hesitation.

"No sleep last night..." he said, and she nodded in reply before closing her locker with a clang.

Rei adjusted her bag, reaching over a hand to tug on Shinji's sleeve.

"Feel better," she spoke softly, with a barely perceptible smile before turning to leave.

He liked her.

Rei was quiet, to say the least, but was nice enough...

On the other hand-

"Hey Shinji, you okay?" Asuka had gone out of her way- she doesn't even use this hallway to get to class- to come up to him, and poke at the apparent bags under his dry eyes. "It's all purple under here. You must be really tired, huh?" She didn't seem to realize that personal space was an issue here, dragging the discoloured skin below Shinji's eyes down with her thumbs.

While Rei had been somewhat hard to hear through his music, with Asuka he might as well just take his earphones out. She would be heard either way.

"Yeah, I-" He stopped to swat her hands away, displeasure showing on his face. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

But she'd already left by the time he'd explained. She didn't really care.

"Never mind..."

"Shinji, whoaa what happened to you?!" Came a voice, followed by an expected other.

"You really look like shit!"

Shinji sighed and closed his locker, turning to lean against it and face the two boys who had now approached him. Toji and Ken. He'd never even introduced himself formally, or vice versa, but the duo talked to him like they knew him personally. It wasn't all that bad an exchange, really, despite the teasing comments and loud interjections. Shinji forced a smile , but actually felt some energy pass from the two to him as if their excitement were rubbing off on his mood.

"You didn't get any sleep at all last night, didja?" Ken adjusted his glasses, and, just Asuka did, he reached for Shinji's cheeks to closer inspect the darkness under his eyes.

"Stop touching me..." he protested, halfheartedly pushing the light haired boy away. "I didn't get any."

"What you just couldn't go to sleep or something?" Toji asked, teasingly. This had Shinji stop himself before answering, and think better of correcting his apparent friend.

"I was doing homework. Just- stuff, I guess I lost track of time."

"Man that sucks."

First class, second class. Maths, Physical Education. He wasn't fond of either, but at least he got them over with quickly; more like slept through them both, even with his two friends yelling at him to stay awake to avoid getting pelted in the face with a racket. Scratch that; Maths was tolerable, but PE was unbearable.

The three, but Shinji especially, took their time showering and redressing to the point that they were sure to be late. The bell was going to ring soon, and he could barely find the strength to drag his feet one after the other to get to his class. Somebody clipped him on accident in the shoulder running to class and yelled back an apology, and although seemingly unrelated, he felt his motivation grow less and less as the seconds passed.

"Shinji! You're gonna be so late!" Kensuke suddenly realized, checking his watch as well as the empty halls around them- "Your class is on the other side of the school!"

"What class does he-"

"Music, shit head, those classrooms are far!" Ken clapped Shinji on the shoulder as he dragged Toji with him, leaving the skinny boy behind. "Sorry we kept you!"

They were out of sight upon veering sharply into a hallway after a matter of seconds, Ken seeming to almost trip over his own feet upon turning the corner.

Shinji laughed quietly to himself.

Yet, now he was alone again.

The bell rang.

"Oh..."

Only a couple kids ran through the halls, as if they could hop into class a minute or so late without being noticed. Shinji wasn't one of them. He considered just giving up on school for the day instead of rushing to class and apologizing, he was so tired and already late. Well- actually, music was next. The class was the highlight of his day, even though he didn't speak much to anyone else in the class. Even though he wasn't all that good it was just nice to hear people talk and play. It was relaxing and motivation to actually pick up his heavy feet and move to his classroom.

Music was different from the other classes, there he felt safer. There wasn't an abundance of students, noise, or distractions to keep him from enjoying the atmosphere around him. Just music. Cello was his best instrument, though he'd tried his hand at quite a few others, he was always drawn back to it. He didn't own one to practice with at home, so he waited until class to play. People told him he was rather good. He doubted it was true, but, even so, he always thanked them. He felt a twinge of shy pride to have been complimented.

His face lit up in a half smile at remembering such kind words, steps absentmindedly taking him to class.

Except this time, his feet betrayed him. Eyes open but trained on the floor, he could only hear the vibrations of his own steps as his ears were otherwise occupied by music. He walked straight into another person- smack into a chest he hadn't seen until running into it.

"Ah-" The boy he ran into stumbled back in the same manner Shinji had, blinking in surprise more than annoyance.

Red eyes.

Wow...

Shinji couldn't say anything for a moment, not even to apologize or introduce himself, just stare while his face coloured red in embarrassment for so clumsily running into the only other person . Say something. Say something.

"I-I-"

"Are you okay?"

The reply caught in Shinji's throat, he bit his tongue slightly- popping out both earbuds and holding them clenched in his hand.

"You're hurt?"

"Oh, no no-" He waved a hand in defense as the stranger reached out to touch him, "I'm fine, I just didn't see you."

"It's quite alright."

Adjusting the bag on his shoulder, stuffing his earphones in- Shinji wasn't exactly sure what to say next. Or do. He cleared his throat, glancing to the floor and back up to the other student who was late to class as well.

He wasn't exactly normal looking, in fact Shinji hadn't ever seen him here before- yes, he must be new. Although the new student was wearing the same uniform he was, he was taller and looked much more relaxed. His complexion as well as his hair was abnormally white; and again those eyes, not coloured as in tired but actually... red.

Wow.

"I'm Kaworu Nagisa, nice to meet you." Despite the prolonged silence and lack of response, the boy smiled wide and held out his hand.

"Pardon?" Shinji jumped, grip tightening on his bag as he snapped out of his daze. Realizing the point of the hand in front of him, he grabbed it clumsily with his own to shake. "I'm Shinji, I- uh I'm- so sorry for running into you." He let go, fingers lifting to nervously run through his own hair.

"It wasn't your fault... I'm looking for a class, could you possibly help me find it?" The boy smiled again, such a smooth conversationalist compared to Shinji's clunky, bashful stutters. "Shinji, was it?"

"Yeah. I'm late as well, I- you're new, right?"

"Yes, I just transferred here, and I'm a bit lost to be honest, aaha..." He laughed lightly, the sound brightening the otherwise silent hall.

And Shinji found himself wanting to know more, inexplicably drawn to this new character . But he put off his curiosity to answer, realizing his silence was growing too long.

"I'm sure someone else can help you, I'm not to great with knowing my way around either..."

"Ah, but I'd like you to help me."

That smile...

Shinji flushed darker. "Ah, I mean I... guess I could..." He looked away, "What class do you have?" Do you need. Are you looking for. Damn. He went over the possible things he could have said instead, regretting his choice of words, but it was too late to change them.

The strange new student smoothed out the piece of paper he'd been holding between his fingers, glancing over the words for a defining name or number. Blinking once or twice as Shinji just watched, glancing over him up and down...

Wow... For the third time he thought to himself, unable to tear his gaze away, not aware it might have seemed rude had Kaworu noticed.

"Here- I'm already late... Music, it's an advanced class though."

Shinji's heart skipped a beat.

"With Ms. Agaki?"

"Yes, do you know her?"

"She's my teacher- I think we have the same class, " Shinji grinned, adjusting his bag yet again.

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He couldn't keep his eyes off him for the rest of the class. By the time they'd maneuvered through the hallways to get there, the two were ten minutes late, but their excuse let them get by without consequence. Of course Kaworu sat next to him, of course... and Shinji was distracted for the entire period.

Every student played an instrument and was considered quite proficient if not a genius. Shinji still held himself to a low standard in spite of qualifying for the class, placing himself at the approximate bottom of the bowl in terms of talent... no one else played cello anyways, it's not like he could have compared himself to anyone. But no one's word could convince Shinji otherwise that he was barely average at the instrument. He just wanted to listen to others play, and hadn't bothered to show off his own talent- in his own mind it would only waste time anyways.

He wondered what Kaworu played. Sitting next to him, eyes trained on the blond at the front of the room- who was so patiently instructing the schedule for what time they had, though the class itself was too freeform to get much done.

In the end the majority of the class just covered whatever pleased them, discussing different artists and how their work influenced others. Or something along those lines. Kaworu had added something to the conversation once or twice, but Shinji hadn't caught the actual words, instead watching them form and be spoken by such a delicate mouth and pale lips.

He might have fallen for the boy already.

And realized it, too, stuttering a goodbye once the period let out only to realize he couldn't get his mind off Kaworu . He fared just as bad throughout the rest of the day, and the swell of his chest- if hard to handle before- was overwhelming when he realized Kaworu was sitting a row in front of him in Language Arts. Two classes. Two classes with him.

How would he manage?

It got worse, too, when the pair struck up a tangled conversation in the third class they managed to have together, sciences.

Talking. Just talking. As the sentences drew on, Shinji's became noticeably more stuttered while Kaworu remained cool, collected as he always seemed to be. Just observing that fact had Shinji trip up on his words even more, and even try to stop the conversation all together he was so nervous... in a good way, but he didn't want to carry on this embarrassment much longer.

Shinji stopped talking altogether, making a poor excuse and rushing to his next class. He walked with Kaworu back to their History classroom and met Toji and Ken. The last class of the day, boring but mandatory, and of course, they noticed his flustered state right off the bat. Thank god for assigned seating. The new student sat on the other side of the classroom , but his other two friends sat on either side and made sure to bug him the whole period.

"Did you run here or somethin'? Now you're all red. Tired and red. Not a pretty combo."

"Shut up, Kensuke," Toji replied automatically.

But Shinji couldn't talk, even to defend himself, his mind too wrapped up in the boy he'd met. Aware he'd fallen hard for him, he accepted it, but refused to do anything about it, no he promised himself he wouldn't act on anything he felt...

"Did you meet someone~?"

"Shut up, Ken."

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The next week felt longer than any Shinji could remember. The time usually blurred for him, it was hard to tell what day of the week it was- but he knew it was Wednesday when he woke up that morning. He remembered because he'd asked Kaworu yesterday what the date was, and the silken reply had stuck in his mind enough so that he clearly knew today is Wednesday. It's a short day. And you get to see Kaworu again. And it wasn't as if he'd hadn't seen him in a while, more like less than twenty four hours.

Still unable to sleep much, but at least managing a solid four hours, he went to school that day with similar bags under his eyes. The same commentary ensued; Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, Rei. But today diverged from the norm, because Kaworu had said something too. Nothing offensive, nothing about the physical qualities of the purple under his eyes or the way he yawned and actually dropped fast asleep in Maths, but genuine concern. About how sluggish he seemed, or why he wasn't paying much attention. He even asked if he was okay.

No one had asked him if he was "okay" before. Just comments. It was wildly refreshing to hear the simple words come from someone, especially Kaworu, the new transfer student whom everyone seemed to like and was so confident and easy to talk to... that Kaworu was concerned about him.

He'd answered plainly, with no emotional ties to his words, nothing on how he was truly touched by the efforts the boy had put into worrying over him. However he felt inside, he dismissed it, saying a simple "thanks but I'm fine really," instead.

That was another thing Shinji had learned so quickly about the boy. He really was kind, almost too nice to someone he barely even knew, but he didn't have much of a filter either. Yet, still remarkably confident and easily revealed his own identity like an open book, he didn't mind; the rest of his schedule, his birthday, where he lived- "yes I live alone, do you? How come? Oh, that's quite alright you don't have to say."

But he'd ended up telling him later anyways.

"Kaworu... why do you live by yourself?" Shinji asked softly. They were sitting in the back of the classroom together while a trombonist and violinist were busy preforming their roughly constructed duet to the class. It was merely background noise. "Not that I'm trying to pry, I was just wondering... did you transfer here by yourself, too?"

Kaworu looked to the ceiling, as if contemplating the right choice of words.

"I never really knew my mother and father... they left me at a young age." Shinji wasn't sure exactly how to process the words "left me", but waited for Kaworu to continue nonetheless. "Though I ended up alright, which is lucky for me. I'm on a music scholarship at the moment, that's why I transferred here- and the tuition pays for my rent fortunately. I'll be here for a while, I hope." Although the explanation was vague, it was good enough.

This had to go two ways, though.

"What about you? You live by yourself as well, correct?"

He'd been half expecting the question, but hadn't bothered to come up with some sort of reply despite knowing it was coming. Shinji was left like a fish out of water, floundering for words to explain himself- even though he knew he didn't have to. Kaworu had graciously said that he didn't have to explain.

"Misato," he started clumsily, "I- uh, Miss Misato is a counselor here now, and used to work for my father, she took me in ... I don't know where my father is, my mom died a long time ago, but she- Misato, I mean- she takes care of me."

That was way too much you told him everything-

"Do you live with her?"

"No, no... she owns an old apartment that I stay in by myself."

"You'd rather be alone?"

Why does he ask things like that? And what frustrated him the most was he didn't know the answer himself. Instead of saying anything else, he just shrugged, leaving the gesture open to the other's interpretation.

Shinji hadn't meant to tell him that- almost felt tricked and vulnerable that Kaworu now knew when no one else did. He'd tried his best to keep his personal issues to himself, not wanting to trouble others or cause them worry. But it just slipped out during their conversation, and now- now Kaworu knew more about him than the rest of his friends combined.

After that, when Shinji went to classes with the new boy, he tried to stay quieter. He didn't want to let anything else slip out like that again. He couldn't seem to keep his mouth shut, but he was in higher spirits. They were in that music class Shinji so dearly loved, the room was filled with smiling students, each practicing and working together.

They took turns in sections so as not to cause a gross cacophony. Shinji's breath caught when Kaworu stood from his seat.

"What do you play, then, Shinji?" he smiled, looking around the room at the students, hands away in his pockets. "I'm surprised you haven't told me yet given this is a musics class- and I'd love to hear you."

"Really?" He said slowly, wanting anything but. "I-I don't think I should. Too many people are playing-"

"At least tell me what instrument." A kind smile invited his answer and Shinji couldn't refuse. He couldn't let him down.

"Orchestra," he said quietly. "I can play cello..."

"I'm sure you're fantastic, getting into this class! I've heard many good things about the orchestra as well."

Denying the flattery would have been Shinji's first reaction, but Kaworu grabbed his hand before he could speak; he stuck to clamping his mouth shut with red cheeks.

"Thank you."

"You're sure you won't play for me?" A tug on Shinji's hand, urging him to get up and perhaps lead the other to the instrument he played.

"I'd rather not."

"Oh." Kaworu sighed, sitting back down in the plastic back chair. "Alright, if you truly don't want to."

I want to though? Confused and unable to share exactly what he meant, Shinji remained silent. It wasn't that he didn't want Kaworu to hear him play, he would love to play for him, it was just... what if he messed up, or wasn't good, or annoyed others by playing too loud? I can't right now. Maybe... maybe later.

Despite being turned down, Kaworu still stayed seated with the other boy in the chair next to him; talking again, listening to the others play, laughing at something or other.

"I really like you, Shinji."

"O-oh." Why? How could you possibly..?

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They were assigned to do a project together in that class. Create a composition together and present it to the class. The two of them. Most groups were made up of couples but they were allowed up to four students. They excited to work on something independent of schooling together- Agaki thought it would be good for the two of them to work together, a cellist and a pianist. That was another thing he learned, Kaworu played piano.

He was so nervous.

He tried postponing any interaction concerning the assignment for as long as possible, insisting they listen to other ensembles play to get an idea of what they should do, despite Kaworu's faint objections. He wanted to work with Shinji, it would be fun...

Shinji didn't want to play for him though, well- no, he wanted to but was worried it wouldn't be good enough. That he would disappoint himself and even worse, the new student who he'd latched onto so quickly. Self conscious and doubting himself constantly, it was no different with music, even though he'd gotten into this advanced class. So far he'd only listened to Kaworu play a couple ballads and was really impressed- though he could tell he was holding back. Maybe it was because Shinji hadn't played for him yet.

It was only when Ms. Agaki individually picked them out during a class that they realized they at least had to start on the project...

In any case, they hadn't been practicing with actual instruments so much as pretending to work, just smiling at each other and talking about anything that came to mind and laughing softly. The rest of the class was doing something similar, it wasn't a project that anyone could be focused on for long periods of time; they had months to create and finish the task, they weren't in any hurry. Though the two thought of a couple ideas and had written down some sequences of notes, both were too interested in each other to focus properly.

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After school, a couple days later Shinji made a decision, and ran to the music room that housed his cello, set on practicing. Practicing. Practicing. He wanted to make sure he was perfect when he played for Kaworu, the fear of disappointing him spurring him forward to the classroom. The halls were emptying quickly as students left for clubs or their housing. Shinji walked against the push of the crowd back into the collection of large rooms devoted to music.

The boy wanted to get better, inspired for the first time in a long time... what should he practice? The most he'd been doing was going over finger positions in his head and with his fingers, looking like he was playing an imaginary guitar more than a cello. Unconscious efforts to improve, but in all honestly he hadn't played his cello in several days, a long time by musician standards. He couldn't lose his hard work, but was too shy to constantly practice in class where he would bother the others. So pretend-practice had been enough; but now he had someone to preform for. He didn't want to let him down.

The cellist entered the room expecting to be alone, throwing his bag into a corner, hearing the sound of thickly pressed notes in complicated patterns he realized he'd walked in on someone.

Oh no...

"Hello again, Shinji." Kaworu smiled fondly, turning to see the boy standing near the entrance of the room, having to angle his head back to look at him.

"Ah, hi. I'm sorry if I interrupted."

"Don't apologize. You haven't done anything wrong." He sat there at the piano as the other boy stood several awkward feet away, fingers still padding away at pearl white keys despite the newcomer.

Shinji had half expected him to at least stop, but- but he didn't. In fact, he continued to talk even as he played, talented enough it seemed to be able to still hit the exact notes he wanted without looking down to check.

"Do you play piano, Shinji?" He asked, though the face he was addressing was rather lost in awe watching slim fingers dance flawlessly along the keyboard.

"I-I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if you can play piano." He didn't seem at all bothered that the other hadn't been listening.

"Not much, no... Not at all, honestly. I never... got the hang of it..." Still enamored, head tilted just barely to the side. Shinji suddenly snapped out of his daze, shaking his head slightly and stepping back. "I'm bothering you, surely, I'm sorry I can go-"

"Please don't."

Shinji was taken aback by the quick and firm reply, rooted to the spot.

"You certainly aren't bothering me. And you don't have to apologize, again."

"I'm-" Shinji caught himself. "Alright," he said softly, and sat down as quietly as possible in an empty chair someone hadn't put up at the end of the day. Just watching.

It was pleasantly relaxing, sitting there watching Kaworu play, lost in the music and again the way he hit every key in perfect coordination.

Really relaxing; peaceful... he could sit there and watch him forever.

And then Kaworu's notes trailed off, the sounds growing softer and quieter as the impending end to the composition drew near. The sequence ended high, delicate fingers sliding off the keys hesitantly as if to prolong the notes as long as possible before they inevitably stopped.

"That's it."

"Wow..." Shinji whispered, dazed but in a good way- and Kaworu could tell, smiling more to himself in pride than at the other boy.

A short silence. Looking for a topic to touch on, anything really, when Shinji took a much needed breath and stood up from his chair.

"Why are you here, anyways? It's after school hours."

"Well, why are you here?"

The question was simple, yet still caught him off guard, unable to think of a sufficient reason to lie.

"I wanted to practice my cello."

"And I wanted to practice piano," Kaworu replied, standing up from his wooden bench next to the instrument. "That, and..."

He reached for Shinji's hand, who was too confused to pull away, and let him. The taller boy pulled the other's wrist gently forward, suggesting more than physically guiding him, and lined his other arm up with Shinji's, still smiling for some odd reason or other.

The contrasting skin tones struck a cord, how pale the other was to the point of unnatrual flawlessness. Shinji, not stopping to consider the colour of his skin something noteworthy before, thought the other was beautiful to look unique in such a rare way. Shinji was so normal looking, not special even in the slightest and especially compared to him.

"See? I-"

"Yeah, you've got albinism, right?"

"Right." Kaworu let out a sigh, relieved he didn't have to explain. "So, it's easier to stay here until it's darker out. I'd rather not use an umbrella, it draws attention."

"But its obvious already, from the way you look." Shinji couldn't help protesting, intrigued, genuinely wanting to talk more with him. "You shouldn't have to stay here..."

"But I like it here." Another sweet smile. "It's relaxing, isn't it? Creating music."

"You mean you composed that?" Shinji started, feeling some regret that he'd talked over white-haired boy's words so loudly. It was unpoetic, but his curiosity and Kaworu's previous appeal to avoid apologizing so often stopped him from saying anything further.

Kaworu nodded, and looked to the ground in embarrassment. "Do you like it?"

"Yeah, I do, it's- it's really beautiful." Shinji copied the action of looking away from the other after bashfully turning pink. He’d been doing that a lot lately.

"Thank you."

"Ah, your welcome..."

"I can teach you to play a piece if you-"

"I think I should get home." Shinji panicked - why am I all of a sudden so nervous?

As he said that, Kaworu's face fell, looking to the other boy with a pitifully confused expression.

"What? Why?"

"I-I'm sorry I just need to get home, it's getting late-"

"No need to apologize," Kaworu sighed, smile faded but somehow still there. "I understand."

I'm sorry.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah, I- yeah..." Another blush, another jerk of the head to the side to avoid looking at him directly and Shinji bit his lip to avoid saying anything else.

Turned on his heel, he couldn't even manage a "goodbye" before walking stiffly out of the room- knowing it was rude and cursing himself for doing it. He couldn't bring himself to correct his own behavior, couldn't look back and utter that one word, it could have been so easy.

He was too embarrassed to do so. Shinji knew his face was beet red, biting his lip and- he wondered if Kaworu had noticed. He wasn't sure what way he wished it, either way he didn't want to give the other boy anymore time to figure it out.

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"So that transfer kid-"

"His name's Kaworu, Toji-"

"You're into him, right?"

The accusations came after a couple weeks, when... well, things had become a bit more plain to the eye. Of all classes, the four boys had only one together; History. Again, the end of the day, and so Shinji would get nervous whenever the four of them were together... not to mention Asuka and Rei were also in the class. Everyone was here, together- he was anxious thinking what could happen. And they'd all gotten a lot closer over the past week or so, so much that Asuka clearly wasn't fond of the new student, while the two alley boys didn't have much of a preference, though Rei got along well with him. And with Shinji, it was obvious.

Too obvious ... the way he looked at the strange transfer boy, the awkward blushing, the way he would clam up when he stuttered too much. It was painfully transparent how into Kaworu he was. Come on, Shinji... you could at least be a little less obvious about it, the two would think to themselves, teasing their friend on the matter. And frankly, they thought he deserved it.

Shinji hadn't replied at first, because frankly he hadn't been paying attention. So Toji said it again, this time a bit louder- grabbing the boy's shoulder to turn him around from who he had been staring at across the room to you-know-who.

"You're into him, right?" He didn't have to repeat who he was referring to, and knew he'd struck a chord when brown eyes blew wide. Shinji yanked out the earbud he'd kept in his left, the right already out to hear the conversation- but at such an accusation, he wasn't sure if he should panic or ask if he'd heard correctly.

"Uh, I-" Dry lips pressed together. "W-what do you-"

"Kaworu. You really like him," Kensuke added, smiling wide. "Right? Right?"

Shinji didn't say anything, but his expression spoke enough for him. Looking down at his desk, fiddling with the pencil he held- and that slight glance to his left to where the subject sat gave it away more than anything else.

"Do you even have to ask? Look at him, he's transparent."

"No one asked you, smart ass."

"That kid's weird, I'll give him that." Asuka had now heard the topic of conversation, deeming it interesting enough to join in. She looked over to Kaworu, wrinkling her nose. "Perfect fit for Ikari, I guess."

"I never said I liked-" Shinji tried to interject, fingers gripping the front of his desk; eyes flicking back and forth between the people next to him and the white-haired boy, worried what would be heard.

"You do, though," Toji confirmed.

"It's plain as day-"

"Yeah, Shinji we all-"

"It's not like you're very good at hiding it."

Upon the sudden comeback of exclamations Shinji flushed a bright pink, avoiding eye contact with all three, especially the redhead who was smirking with the power she held.

"You haven't told him yet, huh? He doesn't know?"

"Obviously not! Why would I..." The boy, embarrassed, tried to defend himself by shouting. But he trailed off, the confident affect losing its flair.

He looked over yet again to Kaworu's seat. The boy was engaged in calm conversation with Rei it seemed, voices low enough that he couldn't hear. At least they weren't paying attention to the loud exchange going on near them. Kaworu looked away from the other four students who were talking about him amusedly. More like three, as Shinji wasn't too keen on the conversation as it stood- more worried about what they would do with the information than how they would taunt him about it.

Looking the other over up and down from where he sat, slender legs and arms and milky skin... Shinji couldn't see his face, but still colored redder just at the sight of him.

He was undeniably into him, and the other kids could read him like a book.

"What are ya going to do about it, in any case?" Ken cut into his thoughts and personal space, leaning in with big eyes behind thick rimmed glasses. "Are you going to ask him out or something?"

"How would I even..." gazing absentmindedly to Kaworu again, mind wandering, he fidgeted in his chair uncomfortably. "It's not like I can just ask. He doesn't even know me..."

He was beyond uneasy about Ken, Asuka, and Toji approaching him on the topic and slapping it in his face. He hated it, even though he was hiding it better than usual... it wasn't what he wanted to happen, it made him anxious and... Shinji couldn't ask them to stop, it would only make it worse, he knew it.

Shinji just had to endure it, no matter how awful it made him feel.

"It's not a big deal, I'll get over it-"

"No, are you kidding me?! You should-"

"Yeah Shinji I'll ask him if-"

"Please don't!" He cut into the confusion of words again, pulse speeding up at the thought of the three trying to control the situation . That would be disastrous. "I- I can take care of this by myself, okay? Don't say anything to him, alright?" he sighed, looking desperately between the other students with wide eyes.

Despite their good intentions they all were ignorant of how all this affected the boy they were trying to help.

"Please, I can do this by myself."

"Fine."

"Whatever..."

Thank god.

He looked over to Kaworu again, adding to the amount of countless glances so far. Shinji just wanted to have control over his life and have a normal crush on this boy without all the anxiety inducing shit he had to go through...

Oh well. He could... yeah, he could live through it.

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He didn't hate them. Toji, Asuka, Kensuke- were all his friends, it's not like he could ever genuinely despise them, even if they were insensitive at times. And although Rei wasn't nearly as bad per say as the others, all four weren't the best at making him feel welcome. Maybe that was partially his fault for not being clear about how he felt- but they could at least have left Kaworu out of it.

Mulling over thoughts like this wasn't rare when he was alone. He was distracted while at school, people and education keeping his mind off things like this, butit came back twice as hard when he returned home . It was like déjà vu, thinking over the same things every day, often leading to the same train of thought so that it seemed he was just going in circles. It was awful, doubting over and over until he was numb and didn't care much to think on it anymore, it tired him out.

Kaworu was different.

He was a breath of fresh air, and Shinji could actually feel his heart lifting in his chest from its numb lowness, fixating on someone so different from the rest. This boy might actually care about him, even though he barely knew Shinji- he seemed that sincere in his words and actions, everything just seemed so real to him when he was around Kaworu. Everything was... warmer.

He loved it.

Kaworu's music was beautiful and left him feeling rejuvenated. Shinji had concluded that listening to it was probably the reason he was getting more sleep than usual. Now, he was less tired, less anxious.

He kept going back for more, like a user who had come to terms with the addiction; he'd been joining Kaworu after school for several days now, some days making himself noticed, and they would converse. Sometimes he resigned to just watching in silence in the back. He wasn't sure if the other noticed him when he did that, as if he was eavesdropping, and would leave embarrassed before he finished. But, while he was there, in that large acoustic room... he might have cried silently once or twice when listening . He didn't make a sound to disturb the boy, hands covering his mouth and nose to ensure so.

He wasn't sure if he was appalled or enthralled by how he was affected this much.

"How are you so... amazing at this?" Shinji asked one day, sitting in the chair now dubbed his own next to Kaworu's piano bench. And, of course, he didn't stop playing the completely new piece that he was still in the process of composing. Writing notes down, stopping every now and then but never for too long- getting his slim fingers back onto the keys as if reading Shinji's mind that he wanted him to go on.

"I practice. And I love playing," was the absent reply, the focus at the moment on composing more than on Shinji. "I... hold on..." Erase, rewrite- "If you love doing something, you should do it as much as possible to make you happy, shouldn't you?"

"Mm."

A short silence in the conversation followed, yet anything but Kaworu continued to play and create complicated strings of notes and chords that sounded perfect together.

"Is- is this for class? Our project?"

"No, I'm creating this for myself." Kaworu actually stopped that time, lifting his hands completely from the piano to rest them in his lap, smiling as he looked to his right over at Shinji. "You're the only one who's heard it so far."

He flushed and look away. This routine that had taken over Shinji's demeanor lately whenever he'd talked to the other student... and was sure by now Kaworu had noticed the pattern, but wasn't sure what to say or whether to ask.

"I'm- that's really- thank you, I guess." Unlike how his words sounded, he felt a blooming sense of pride in knowing he was the only one to hear this piece. Only a shy smile would have given it away.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it-!" Shinji exclaimed, hands on his knees as he leaned forward, eyes bright with awe. "You're so talented, I-I love hearing you play that's why I... Come back. To listen to you." he settled back, embarrassed at his outburst.

"I appreciate that," Kaworu replied smoothly, even more honeyed than usual it seemed, shifting over on his seat to get closer to the other's chair.

Shinji swallowed.

"I enjoy it when you say things like that..."

He closed his eyes, clenching his fingers into his trousers.

"It makes me so happy, Shinji."

The boy inhaled sharp through his nose, turning down his jaw slightly as his eyes and mouth clamped shut. His body heated up, the temperature rising and he could feel it like someone had covered him in ten layers of blankets. He's too close, he's too close he's-

As he drowned out the other's words with thoughts, his own were realized when he felt the press of lips to his , a slight pressure on his mouth, barely able to feel it before-

Before it was gone.

He still didn't open his eyes, unable to process the action- instead his face heated up even more, ready to melt off and drip onto the floor in a pathetic puddle-

"...Shinji?"

His name spoken aloud brought him back to reality, letting out the air he'd unconsciously been holding- blinking several times as his eyes adjusted back to the light, mouth open slightly. Breathing heavy for air that cooled his keyed up lungs, it proved not to help enough as Kaworu's concerned expression came into focus, and he flushed dark, unable to move his head one way or the other to avoid him. He was frozen in place.

"Are you alright?"

"You- you..."

"I apologize, that was uncalled for."

Shinji stared with wide eyes, completely stunned into a stupor without knowing how to react properly.

"You kissed me?"

"Yes, I did."

An awkward silence, tension hanging thick- but not with a negative air to it. More like... What's he going to do next? from both boys. Shinji couldn't take the pressure after a time of waiting that seemed forever too long, deciding the path they both would take in asking a question.

"Could you do that again?"

A pause.

"Only if you want to..."

And-

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Shinji woke up.

It had been a dream, the whole thing. Jumping up and very much alive in the middle of the night, head rushing from the sudden movement after being in such a deep sleep- it took him a couple minutes to realize that.

For a spacey moment he was positive Kaworu had kissed him in the music room, by themselves, perfect despite the confusion.

It had been a dream.

Damnit... I almost thought...

And on top of it all, he had rolled off his futon onto the uncomfortable floor instead. He had marks on his arms and legs from where the woven mats had pressed marks into his skin. He sat up, cross-legged in his day clothes in the dark of his room... what time is it? He turned to look for his clock, making out a three-something in the morning. God, it was late. Or early, however one wanted to think about it. In either case, he couldn't bring himself to go back to sleep, having apparently fallen into unconsciousness sometime during the day while he'd been spacing out over his thoughts. Now he was wide awake.

And...

Ah, kind of horny, actually. To be quite honest with himself.

A hot feeling had settled over him, distinctively separate from the temperature of the room.

Oh well. Shinji wasn't in the mood to sleep again anyways, it's not like he could do anything else either. It felt good... and he hadn't done much in a while- now he had somewhat of an excuse to. A lousy one, but no one else would be able to judge him for it.

Everyone in the complex was most definitely asleep. In fact the silence almost egged him on, fumbling for a box of tissues on a table on the side of the room. Trudging on his knees back to his futon, he began shuffling out of his trousers as he should have done hours ago. Free of the material leaving his skin bare he rolled onto his side on the small mattress, taking slow breaths with no rush. Wiggling out of his shirt, he pulled his thin blanket back over him up to his chest, as if the covering would supply some sort of decency- and tucked an arm under his pillow.

His eyes were closed as he brushed his free hand on the side of his thigh, slipping fingers lower down to the intended point of interest. Turned his head into his pillow as he rubbed against his own length, up and down, burying his nose into the soft cushioning- wow it had been a while since he'd done this, and he was reacting a lot quicker than he normally would. Stopping for a moment to push down his underwear, he shuffled them off the rest of the way to his ankles and off to somewhere underneath his blanket.

"Ka...woruuu..." he moaned, the first name that came to mind. It was involuntary. He wasn't exactly surprised to hear it come from his mouth, but... "Ah-"

Shinji wasn't thinking about anything really, but was desperate enough to need to. Just that name was enough, he guessed, but it wouldn't hurt- maybe Kaworu and I could- ideas flashed through his mind, but he couldn't settle on anything. Dazed in the effort of doing this after so long, an image finally became sedentary in his thoughts, racy and enough to make him feel way too hot under even just a thin blanket.

"Ka...ah..." He turned his head into his pillow to smother his sounds, vivid imagery flooding his mind.

Kaworu, in his room with him, touching him like this- what if he wasn't feeling his temperature rise just because of his heated situation, but also because of another's form next to him? Namely Kaworu? Sharing the small futon, so that they had to press together in order to both fit. And what if he'd felt as needy as Shinji had, and decided to fill both their needs at the same time-

He could feel the sticky sensation beneath his fingers, so satisfying but- progressing to the point of urgency he couldn't find the will to stop. It felt so good.

Too good.

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That night marked one of the worst mistakes he'd made in a long time, no matter how satisfying it had been to jack off like that.

Upon seeing Kaworu in class the next day, Shinji turned bright red without a moments notice- he barely realized the change himself until the images flashed through his mind , what he'd been thinking about last night. Oh god, last night.

He feared Kaworu might have some sixth sense, and could tell that he'd done that last night and more specifically while thinking of him. Paranoid, Shinji remained quiet for most of their conversations that day, listening more than contributing. Kaworu didn't seem to mind, though, he showed slight concern for the change in attitude.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah- I'm fine. Thanks."

Walking side by side down the hallway together to History, they would have to break off into separate sections of the classroom.

Kaworu frowned, just a slight adjustment in his demeanor, but it seemed to affect so much of his aura.

"Are you sure?"

Shinji swallowed thickly, thinking over in his head as a mantra he knows he totally knows he figured it out this is awful this is so embarrassing-

"Don't worry about me," he smiled nervously, capable of keeping his irrational thoughts at bay behind a wall-like exterior. Thank goodness, otherwise he might have just told the other what he'd done. He felt guilty about it. Shinji didn't have the right, he was... dirty. "Just a little tired, is all."

Kaworu nodded, dismissing his worries and shifted to walk a little closer to the other's proximity.

Despite the complications, Shinji couldn't decline listening to Kaworu play again after school and they ended up staying longer than usual. He played a new piece, something he'd made up recently and was itching to let someone listen to him.

Shinji didn't want him to stop, but after Kaworu finished, his project-partner insisted that they get to work on their composition that they'd hardly started.

Practicing their piece, Kaworu having written most of it but- both boys helped. And Shinji had at least gotten out his cello, or more accurately the one he borrowed, but hadn't played it... instead just wasted time messing with the stand, tuning it up, and looking at the sheet of scribbled-on paper. He just wanted to listen to Kaworu, in all honesty- he could care less if he ever got to play his cello, was even convinced that as a group they would sound better on their final presentation date if just he played.

A second or two of silence, a sigh from both of them.

Kaworu shifted closer on the piano seat, the two smiling as they'd finished a set of measures that sounded rather nice.

"Play for me."

"You know I can't play piano," Shinji replied automatically, assuming that's what he meant.

"No, your cello. Play your cello for me."

"What? But I-"

"Please? I got it out for you already, Shinji," he coaxed lightly, "I really want to hear you play, I still haven't- in any case you need to contribute to this project somehow."

"I have been!"

"Not really, no."

He couldn't argue with that. He still hadn't physically played his instrument for or in front of Kaworu, putting it off for as long as possible. Their project was due soon. Maybe two, three weeks. They had time, but if Shinji was actually going to be able to play a part and in turn receive a passing grade, he knew he was going to have to play at some point.

"Please?"

The dark-haired boy sighed, running a hand through his hair once before standing up from the piano bench. He felt heavy- anxious, yet fleeting at the same time as adrenaline began to seep its way into his system at the thought of playing for someone so... someone... him.

"Okay..." he muttered, grabbing a chair by the head and dragging it across the floor, picking up a stand. "Okay, fine..." He carefully picked up his cello in one hand, his bow in the other, attempting to set up as he sat down in the chair. Flushed red all the while as Kaworu watched, a slight smile evident on his features. Maybe even a laugh or two, just under the boy's breath.

His fingers were slippery. Holding the neck of his cello and his bow in the same hand, he took the time to wipe his palms over his pants and switch- he was so nervous. He'd hardly had any time to practice, to get better, to prove his worth and impress the one who seemingly mattered so much to him. And took a breath.

"I don't know what to play."

"A simple piece, alright? Do whatever you'd like," Kaworu comforted him with smooth, methodic words of reassurance. "I'll love anything you play for me."

For me.

That's what really got to him- Shinji flushed darker, adjusting the knob of his bow to tighten the hairs- looking at the tiled floor in embarrassment.

"Alright," he said, barely a whisper.

Sitting nearly five feet away from the piano bench where the other sat poised to listen, Shinji began to play.

And messed up.

"Sorry, sorry- that was wrong, it's not tuned-" he panicked, nearly dropping his bow in the process of hastily attempting to tune his cello. Trying each string and adjusting accordingly, biting his lip. "I'm sorry-"

"There's nothing to apologize for..." Kaworu assured him, words a fall of soothing water to calm the other's nerves. "Keep going." A kind, closed smile. Warm eyes. Honeyed tones...

Shinji stopped tuning. It was fine, it always had been, he'd just panicked to stall for time... and took yet another deep breath, hoping it would be the last one he needed in order to play.

He closed his eyes, feeling the strings beneath the pads of his fingers, eyesight unneeded in order to play.

A note. A second. Playing quietly, slow and controlled movements as he dragged the bow back and forth across strings. It took more than a minute for Shinji to gain enough confidence to play louder, actually using correct vibrato, louder and softer and faster. Slower. Settling back into a rhythm that he'd been unable to play for a while now, unable to find the time to practice properly.

He didn't know what he was playing, what notes or patterns he'd chosen- almost surreal as his fingers moved without the consent of his mind, something he hadn't heard before. Shinji was making it up as he went. Combining his favourite measures of various compositions, parts he remembered vaguely had been the most enjoyable parts to play. Besides that, a blurred remembrance of measures, his fingers acted on their own accord to play the otherwise unknown piece.

Shinji wasn't sure how long he played, opening his eyes to stare at the floor and listen to himself. It didn't sound like him, more of as if it was someone else far away, through a closed door, or water. And all the while Kaworu watched, intent, polite in sitting with his legs crossed on the piano bench; and though he was only a few feet away, Shinji forgot he was sitting there. Any tension of nerves had gone as soon as he'd started playing, so that when he finally finished and his fingers had been rubbed raw- he was actually surprised to see the other boy sitting there.

"I, uh-"

"That was beautiful," Kaworu breathed, head tilted to the side in such a way he seemed to have been mesmerized. Fingers curled over the caps of his knees, comfortable as he had sat to listen for... how long had it been? "Why didn't you play for me sooner?"

"You really liked it-?" Shinji said softly, nearly dropping his bow as the flood of nervous energy returned all too quickly.

"Yes, very much."

"I-I..." He was too nervous. Flustered. Looking desperately for an out. "What.. what time is it?"

It had just been meant to be a distraction, but as he said it a sinking feeling dropped to his stomach. What if he'd missed his train? His way home would be cut off.

And of course, the trains had stopped by then.

The two scrambled for their bags, stuffing music sheets into their folders and hastily putting away their respective instruments. Both surprised by the time, they both had gotten lost in music it seemed, forgetting to check the clock and in turn staying at school quite longer than they'd planned. One was reasonably more panicked than the other.

"Don't you take the train home?"

"Yes, yes I... I can't believe I lost track of time, it's entirely my fault-"

"Of course it's not your fault," Kaworu soothed. "Anyway it was worth it to hear you."

Shinji brushed off the sweet comment, too panicked to process it.

"I can't believe I-"

"When do the trains-"

"Six, it's nearly seven I can't believe I..." Shinji moaned.

"You can come over to my apartment if you'd like," Kaworu suggested plainly. Bag over his shoulder, less than a foot or two from the other boy, anticipating an answer. "I insist, actually."

He'd never asked before. It caught Shinji a bit off guard. The last part of his sentence distracted Shinji from the rest, before he realized what he'd really suggested.

"You're actually inviting me over?" This couldn't be any worse... "I-I shouldn't, but..."

"I wouldn't mind."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. I walk here from where I live, I couldn't let you try to get back to your apartment by yourself in any case." A quick and confident reply. "You could sleep overnight, it wouldn't be a bother."

"I don't know-"

"What else would you do?"

The simple question with a similarly simple answer.

He didn't have another option.

"Okay, I'll... I'll stay over, . I-I don't have any clothes though, or blankets-"

"You can borrow some." A smile. "I'm so glad to have you over, Shinji. Unfortunate circumstances, but I'm glad you can visit me."

"It makes me so happy, Shinji."

He blushed darker, knowing Kaworu could tell; and realized he couldn't turn him down.

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Shinji could barely conceal or dismiss his conflicting emotions- the idea of it all, going to Kaworu's home- it was beyond any thought that had ever crossed his mind. Yet he had willingly invited him, even insisted that he come. He was nervous. And similarly anxious, but excited as well, though above all else nervous... what could he expect? He didn't feel right intruding on someone else's home either, even if invited, it just didn't seem like he should.

They walked to where Kaworu was staying, no more than ten minutes as they talked. He was renting out a small apartment notably similar in size and structure to Shinji's; there wasn't much variety throughout the complexes in the area, uncreative minds sticking to basic blueprints rather than creating something new... in ways that helped, as Shinji at least felt like he knew somewhat where he was going.

It was, again, small. But pleasantly so, with a warm, lived-in feeling to it that made the boy's heart jump into his throat. Kaworu lives here. He comes home to this place every day, eats here, sleeps here...

"Do you want anything?"

"What?"

"Would you like anything to eat? I think I have leftovers in the fridge."

"I'm fine, thanks..." Shinji was distracted, glancing over every nook of the couple of rooms Kaworu owned instead of properly listening. Looking to the ceiling, noting every detail from the cracks in the wall to the lack of furniture, he took it all in.

"I apologize there isn’t much here. There's really just my bed, but it's comfortable enough I hope."

"It's alright."

There was an open wall to a small kitchen on the right, and a door on the left that he assumed opened up to a bathroom. Another closed door was probably a wall closet, and his bed was set against the side of the room- better than Shinji's, an actual mattress with a support frame rather than just a futon on the ground. But all in all, it was better than his own apartment, but not by much.

He wouldn't say that, though- it would be rude. At least Kaworu hadn't seen his place to judge him by.

It wasn't too late at night, but it was nearing nine and they had not eaten since lunch. It was then that Shinji learned that Kaworu wasn't too good at cooking, surprisingly enough- and if that was the only possible flaw in his form, it was absolutely fine. He’d somehow burned the pasta he'd attempted to make, a simple out-of-the-box type of all things; and so Kaworu had downsized to simple sandwiches and rice instead. He had some packaged foods on his counter, just cereal and fruit snacks that they ate through, a crude meal but somehow pleasant.

Really nice, actually... sitting on his carpet floor, a lamp or two the only source of light they had at such an hour, laughing quietly at their situation and joking to pass the time. Together.

They ended up lying back on the bed, bigger than Shinji's so that it fit two of them instead of half of one teenager, refreshingly enough. They finished "dinner", cleaned it up, and Shinji borrowed a shirt that didn't fit him quite right- but it was okay. So now they lay there, separate pillows but sharing the same blanket, trying to sleep .

Shinji was having trouble. Firstly, adjusting to having someone else next to him while he slept, and secondly, the fact that it was Kaworu, who he'd made the mistake of thinking about the night before while he’d... you know.

What an awful decision...

Despite his insecurities, they lay there in the sheeted bed with a purple blanket . Kaworu hadn't been talking, Shinji didn't know if he was asleep or just trying to, and let him know that he didn't usually go to bed this early if at all. This was so strange . He didn't know what to think, what to say, if anything at all. Is he asleep? Should I be?

The answer came to him in the form of his name.

"Shinji?"

"Hm?" he turned his head, "What is it?"

The voices were quiet, but still seemed to pierce through the dark and the silence in a manner that made them both flinch. Kaworu lowered his voice even more to only a little above a whisper .

"Are you warm enough?"

"You don't have a heater..."

"I know, that's why I asked."

Trying to sleep without the relaxing sound of some kind of temperature regulation in the background was taking its toll on him... but the temperature was also hard to adjust to as the thin blanket they shared wasn't warm enough. He kept to himself, knowing nothing good would come of getting any closer.

This was such a bad situation to be in, how could he ever agree to this?

"I'm okay. It's a little cold, but it’s fine." He smiled, though wasn't sure if Kaworu could see it through the pitch dark. He did so anyways.

"Are you sure?"

"I-" Shinji's reply cut itself off as air was unable to both enter or escape his lungs, Kaworu's form shifting so he wrapped an arm around the other's torso- sinking into him so that he breathed against the other's shoulder. "Kaworu- I'm not that cold it's alright-"

He only pushed further though. And Shinji couldn't formulate coherent thoughts, stunned into a state of flushed and frozen confusion as the other boy who had convinced him to stay overnight now nuzzled into his neck. He subsequently tightened his grip, fingers grazing the skin that wasn't covered on his torso and now k-ki- kissing my shoulder he's kissing my shoulder he's-

"Uh-" A small sound laced with panic, Shinji found control over his limbs again enough to move his arms in-between him and the other, at least creating some space to lessen the apparent intimacy of their situation. He couldn't really see the other boy, but could almost feel his expression drop as Shinji pulled away and sat up in the bed; Kaworu followed his example, sitting up cross-legged to face the other.

"What is it?"

"I-I had a dream you kissed me last night." Why did I say that, that's not- why did I say that-

"You did?"

"Th-at's not what I meant to say-" he scrambled for a distraction, an excuse, something- but found none.

"What did we do in your dream?"

Such a nonchalant conversation on Kaworu's end, while Shinji burned hot with embarrassment, in sharp contrast to the chills that ran down his limbs just a minute earlier.

"W-we-" Shinji couldn't believe he was telling him- "Kissed. You were playing music and I closed my eyes and you kissed me."

"What happened after that?" He was genuinely curious and enjoyed how flustered he was making the other- and was looking forward to why. "Did we kiss again, Shinji?"

Hearing his name again turned his blush even darker.

"I, uh, woke up." That was honest enough, though he was terrified of what he would let slip out if Kaworu questioned further. He turned away from the boy he could only make out as an outline, still embarrassed. He couldn't tell the other what he'd done after he'd woken.

"And...why did you want to tell me you dreamt about that?" Came the question that Shinji wasn't so sure how to answer- it just slipped out, I don't- "Do you want me to?"

Shinji was warm now from the embarrassed blush throughout his body, hands knitted in his lap in the oversized shirt.

"That's n-"

He couldn't exactly reply as lips touched his, more of... molded to his own as Kaworu leaned forward to fulfill what he'd started. Or at least suggested. And it took a minute or two for Shinji to process what was happening.

Sitting up in bed, cross-legged, hands in his lap as he felt the other's hands on his shoulders- holding him steady as his mouth was closed against his, soft yet firm in intention.

Kaworu was kissing him.

Really, really kissing him- not in a dream, not just on the skin of his shoulder but-

He felt lightheaded. Unable to realize and accept was happening, instead, going stock-still as he waited for the feeling to pass, but it didn't- as Kaworu proceeded even after kissing him once on the lips, to press forward twice more, and then to the side of his mouth, down to his jaw, and his neck. He moved his hands, one to the boy's neck and the other dropping to his collarbone and farther down to his chest.

Shinji just sat there, fingers knotted so tightly into the borrowed fabric that he was unaware he was tearing it.

Hot. Hot. It's hot...

"K-Ka..."

"Mm?"

He looked up, Shinji able to catch a small glimpse of notable red through the dim light and overwhelming dark- just enough to know he was looking up at him from his jaw, where he'd been pressing his lips.

"Are you alright?"

Shinji forgot what he was going to say.

He could feel himself swooning back and forward slightly where he sat. Kaworu noticed.

"I don't think so..." Shinji responded late, shaking his head slowly.

"No?" Immediate concern crossed over Kaworu's tone and vague features from an unexpected answer; he'd been hoping for something other than a simple, downright negative response. "What's wrong? Do you-"

"I think I'm going to faint..." Shinji mumbled straightforward.

Kaworu felt his heart jump in anxiety, worry taking over his every action, grasping for the other boy's shoulders and looking him over in what light he could.

"Why?! What- Are you okay?! Do you need something-"

"I'm just- really tired..." Shinji almost laughed, "And I'm... you're making me sleepy." He wanted to say more on the subject, how light kisses along his face and neck brought him closer to languid exhaustion, but couldn't find the strength to do so.

Kaworu breathed a sigh of relief, though he knew it was still quite serious. He'd suspected the boy suffered from sleep deprivation, but he hadn't done anything to help. He knew he should have, but he couldn't do much now but let him rest.

"Do you want me to get you anything?"

"I'm just... going to sleep, I..." he rocked back and forth again, Kaworu caught him, laying Shinji back onto the mattress. "I'm pathetic, sorry..."

The light-haired boy shook his head, attempting to settle back down against the sheets to get them both comfortable once again. He wanted to continue, but Shinji's mental wellbeing came first- he wasn't sure how much sleep the boy had gotten over the past week or so, but knew it couldn't be much.

"You kissed me," Shinji smiled. Off topic, but he'd just come to the realization in his half-conscious state of mind. "You kissed me, Kaworu."

"Yes, I did... Goodnight."

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

Shinji was warm... comfortably so, not too hot or too cold; a nice, all around feeling so that he didn't want to wake up.

He could sleep forever.

Despite this he was starting to drift between unconsciousness and not, so that he could feel things now- the blanket wrapped around him up to his chin, the way the mattress had seemed to conform to his shape during the night. The pillow might've been wet from drool, or maybe he was just too deep in sleep still to tell- in either case his mouth was open against soft sheets without the energy or even conscious thought to close it. His breathing was shallow, in and out slowly, faintly hearing air whisper along the fabric.

Kaworu was watching him. Sitting by the bed, on his knees and content as such, head cocked slightly to the side as he noticed every detail; locks of hair, faint colour to his cheeks, the level breathing. His shoulders rose and fell if only slightly, shifting the blanket up and down...

Simply smiling at the sight of it all.

He looked refreshingly tranquil, and it was a nice idea that he was actually getting some sound sleep for once in a long time. He needed it. And was happy that he'd been able to supply Shinji with the place to catch up with time to do so, without interruption or stress. He looked nice, too, when the anxiety was drained out of his system to leave a undisturbed Shinji invited to hours and hours of sleep.

The slighter boy sighed, shifting onto a hand and knee to get up- maybe make some breakfast, or at least attempt to, taking his eyes off of Shinji for the first time in more than a few minutes. He had just gotten his knee under him to stand easier (which had fallen asleep), when he heard the other boy moan and shift underneath the sheets. Kaworu looked back to him, expecting his eyes to be open- but no, he'd just adjusted in his sleep. Mouth still open, eyelashes shut against his cheeks and cheeks flushed as he breathed softly. He really was tired.

So Kaworu bit back a giggle, continuing in his attempt to get up from his seat on the floor to... he wasn't sure. Just the daily tasks, he guessed, get dressed and make something to eat, check the weather and temperature for the day. Shinji staying over wouldn't change much, except for the fact that he'd have to be quieter about it all.

Despite such a fact, he wasn't self conscious about dressing into casual clothes while Shinji was in the room. He was asleep. It's not like Kaworu would be embarrassed anyways if the other was awake, face flushed as he watched him slip into new undergarments; he'd noted at this point how Shinji became visibly bashful quite easily, unlike himself; it was amusing to watch his face colour in response to whatever small thing he did. Kaworu wondered what it must be like to be so sensitive. It was entertaining, in any case.

Looking over his shoulder, Kaworu again checked Shinji as he slept- if he was still indeed unconscious, or starting to wake up. And as predicted he was fine, still asleep... hadn't been watching Kaworu as changed. Oh well. That would have been interesting.

It was indeed a Friday. And yes, they had school. Yes, they'd skipped classes as it was now nearing twelve in the afternoon, only a couple hours of school remaining in the day, and rationally it wasn't worth it to rush to the place at this point. More accurately, Kaworu had deemed it proper not to worry Shinji with such a task, letting him sleep in to such a late time without any interruption. He was worried on how the boy would react to missing a day, that he was behind now and it was his fault "Kaworu why did you let me sleep in I can't believe you", that kind of upset. But it would be worth it, he reasoned, in the bigger picture and hoped Shinji would realize it.

In any case, Kaworu had finished dressing- not into his uniform, but rather just simple sweatpants and a tshirt- in a sense it was hardly any different than his sleeping clothes had been, but he felt cleaner. Walking quietly around his apartment with light footsteps, opening cereal to make something for Shinji and himself and trying his best not to crinkle the bag, he kept looking up from what he was doing to check the boy's face. Maybe he would wake up. Caused a sharp rip of plastic as he wasn't paying attention, and thought the sound might've- but no.

He sighed, realizing he really did want Shinji to wake up. Talk to him. Keep him company and make him feel good, just by being conscious around him. It was selfish.

Kaworu fought himself from voicing the others name, in an attempt to rouse him- he couldn't, he was so selfish, just let him sleep he needs it.

In such an absence of attention he was usually fine. Kaworu was alone often, just as Shinji assumedly was in a similar fashion, quiet apartments with nothing but sound to pass the time. But now with his presence, the light toned boy couldn't keep his mind at rest- usually collected enough to keep his thoughts to himself, he felt as if they were spilling out over his kitchen counter in the form of invisible wants and needs.

He had such a weak spot for him. Though he wouldn't describe it as weak, per say; he wasn't weak to have fallen so deeply in love with another. He was spellbound, though, captivated to the point it might be considered dangerous.

He was very much in love, when it came down to simple terms, however you wanted to define the word.

And wanted so much to walk up to his bed where this boy was sleeping and tell him, let him know, make him understand.

But he needed to sleep. That was more important, he decided- yes, he's deprived, it would be wrong of me to wake him up for any reason.

So it was late afternoon when Shinji finally stirred, slipping back into consciousness from a deep slumber to wonder where the time had gone. Groggily, of course, unsure of what was real or not- hungry and clumsy in his attempts to sit up and yawn. Attempting to do so once or twice, imagining sitting crosslegged on the bed but unable to actually do so until the fourth try without slumping back down into warm, soft sheets.

Kaworu's sheets.

"Kaworu's bed-" he voiced aloud under his breath, scrunching the fabrics between his fingers dazedly. Amazedly. Confused, but in a panicky-yet-good way if the feeling was put into words. I slept over last night, I remember now...

"Shinji?"

The sound of his own name had him tense up, as if he wasn't expecting the owner of said apartment to even be home. Irrational, but he reacted all the same in shock to seeing Kaworu dressed and holding two cups. One was hot, the other was steaming but not as much as the other.

"You're awake." A smile. "Would you like some tea? I just made some..."

Kaworu must have drank some of his already, and had seen Shinji's sedated ascent to wake up in time to make him some. Or at least, the dark-haired boy assumed as such, and if what he thought was so he was flattered. And he blushed, smiling and looking down as he twisted his fingers into his shirt. No, Kaworu's shirt- it's his shirt, he leant it to me. He forgot who was in front of him for a moment, scrunching the soft fabric in his palm to raise the front of the material to his face- it smells nice too, he smells so nice... sleeping in his bed, in his clothes. Shinji felt so much closer to him, even the idea of smelling somewhat like Kaworu from the experience made him smile.

"Shinji..?"

"Yes, yes I'd love some I-" Shinji almost laughed, bashful and still taking in his surroundings. Quickly letting go of the shirt, slipping through his fingers as he again snapped back to his surroundings. "Yes, thank you."

Kaworu smiled back, looking relieved in a sense. He walked over the remaining few steps to sit to Shinji's right on the mattress, handing the fresher brew to the other boy while he kept his half-drunk cup to himself.

They sat in silence for a moment, the quieter boy embarrassed despite the consented proximity, the two quietly sipping small amounts of tea to distract themselves. Shinji looked over to his left as his mind wandered, noticing the clock on the bedstand. Red numbers glowing, accompanied by an empty mug and a couple books...

The numbers read a time that snapped him out of his daze; 3:16. Three in the afternoon.

"Kaworu-" he started, voice laced with worry and confusion. "Kaworu, what day is it-" Shinji's alarmed words rang throughout the small room, contrasting against the peaceful quiet that was once for the most part untouched. The taller boy turned to him, replying gently in spite of the other's panic.

"It's Friday, why do you-"

"We missed school! We missed it, it's the afternoon I can't believe I slept through- why didn't you wake me-?!" He began to get up from the bed, looking around for his uniformed clothes to change quickly into. Maybe he could- no, school is almost over now, I'd never make it in time to apologize- "Oh, Kaworu, why didn't you-"

"Shinji, calm down..." he soothed, setting his cup on the table beside the bed to use both hands, holding the boy's shoulders to control him. To sit him back down, to tell him it was fine. "I called the school and talked to Misato on your behalf... I told her you were sick, and catching up on sleep."

"But-"

"You needed it, so I didn't wake you up."

"Kaworu-"

"Don't argue with me on this, you need more sleep, and Misato agrees with me."

Shinji bit his lip. Kaworu was awfully kind to him. He wasn't sure what the best way to reply would be, and settled with something general to get his point across.

"Thank you, for... calling in. I'm not sick, though, I'm fine."

"Sleep deprivation is a form of sickness," Kaworu stated firmly. "And hopefully, you can stay here until you get better."

"Stay here?"

"Yes, you should stay here. I don't mind- and it's better this way."

"O-oh." He looked down as he realized he had no choice. "Thank you, then."

And at an awfully inconvenient time, Shinji remembered the past evening's events in a flash of fuzzy memory.

"Ah- also, about last-" he tensed where he sat, flashing back to kisses and hot temperatures- the touches what he remembered the most rather than visual or auditorial. "Uh, I'm- I..." Shinji didn't know what to say, to apologize for falling asleep or- ask if anything else had happened that he didn't remember? How it had happened? If it had been real?

Fortunately Kaworu assumed as much, turning to face him with a shy grin.

"It's too bad you fell asleep so early, though."

Shinji didn't think he could turn any redder, biting back a smile even though he was beyond flustered by the comment. He was pleased- somehow deeply satisfied on what had happened, even though the night had been clunky and discomposed and ending with nothing substantial.

In fact, he hadn't actually confessed.

But before he could even begin to think about how, Kaworu interrupted his thoughts, leaning closer to grab Shinji's attention after realizing he had lost it.

"I really, really like you, Shinji Ikari."

This wasn't what he'd was prepared to hear.

"You like me too, don't you?" he pressed, knowing he was right, but wanting to hear the statement aloud from the person it concerned. Eyes wide in waiting, closer than before to the other's face.

Shinji nodded, over and over again, biting his lip but still wanting to convey his answer. He was too worried he'd screw it up if he opened his mouth. Yes, yes I really do like you too- please stay with me.

"Can I hear you say it? You..." Kaworu's gaze dropped to the mattress. "Don't have to, but I'd like to hear it from you." He waited. Wondering if he'd pressed too far, but by no means regretting his words.

"I-" Shinji swallowed, cursing himself for stumbling through his thoughts to find something appropriate to say. His mind flashed on the thought of how this could go horribly wrong, even though it was only a couple words he would say... It's simple, this shouldn't be so hard, he mused.

And then Kaworu smiled at him, warm and inviting and supportive- reassuring him that there wasn't any rush or demand for the phrase. Sentence. Collection of words- whatever Shinji would decide to return with, however he wanted to say it- Kaworu would wait.

"I think I love you."

It was unexpected. Kaworu hadn't expected him to be so forward, abrupt... maybe a whispered "I like you, too" or "Thanks... so do I". Certainly not such a simple yet strong reply. In response a pink hue rose to his cheeks, blinking once or twice in the process of absorbing what Shinji had decided to respond with.

"Are you sure?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shinji mumbled, flushing substantially darker than the other currently was- looking down at his cup of tea, biting his lip as he saw his red-faced reflection in the surface.

"No, no you misunderstand..." Kaworu chuckled, leaning over to whisper against the other boy's cheek, shifting just a little closer, lifting a hand to touch the other's shoulder. "I didn't expect for you to be so forward, is all." He pulled back slightly to breathe against his ear, despite being the only two people in the small apartment. "Thank you, Shinji- I love you, too."

In turn, and not surprisingly enough, Shinji blushed even deeper at the words actually being spoken. He covered his mouth with a hand, hiding a smile as well as his euphoria, looking down to his cup yet again due to being unable to even reply. It was all he could do. But thankfully Kaworu understood, sighing in content and settling with resting his forehead on Shinji's shoulder. His smile wide in a mix of amusement and satisfaction, the boy wanted to continue where they'd left of last night.

Without a word, he stood up as Shinji watched, and took the other cup without resistance to place it next to his on the bedside table. Standing in front of the other boy, he leaned lower to tilt his head, aiming to press his lips to such an unfamiliar pair in front of him. However, as he closed his eyes and expected to meet them- the contact wasn't made when he thought it would be. Blinking his eyes open again, Shinji had pulled back just out of reach.

"What is it?"

"S-sorry, I just..." The boy rubbed the back of his neck, looking to the carpeted floor to the left of slim legs in front of him. He was embarrassed- yet again, he noted, at pulling away from something he so very much wanted. "Nervous," he stated plainly. There wasn't any need of a further explanation.

"It's quite alright," Kaworu smiled kindly, holding his wants at bay for the moment to make sure the other was- comfortable? As long as he was happy, they both would be, he assured himself. "If you don't want-"

But Shinji stopped him from reassuring him any further, as it wasn't necessary.

The dark haired boy bit his lip as he reached up to slip his fingers around Kaworu's collar, pulling him down rougher than he'd anticipated... to tilt his head to the side in slight, taking initiative this time. Kissing him once on the lips, forceful but short before he pushed Kaworu away, still holding him by the shirt. And knew it was abrupt, ashamed the first time he'd tried this was a farce- and tried again, and again, again to try and get it right... little presses of lips to the side of the other boy's mouth, frustration showing through his actions as his eyebrows knitted and he hummed his dissatisfaction.

"Y-you do it better than I do..." he admitted, reluctantly letting go of the other's shirt collar to look away in vexation. He wanted those special sparks again, kind of needed them in fact- unable to make eye contact, instead looking anywhere but.

"Alright..." Kaworu refrained from laughing, knowing the outburst might inflict the wrong reaction. "If you say so."

He wet his lips, carrying the action further than Shinji expected when he pressed against the boy's chest to invite him to lay back. The dark-haired student turned his head back and forth to look at the mattress he now laid down against, eyes wide, as the boy now crouching over him on all fours situated his knees on either side of hips, hands curling into the sheets. The thought of more kisses, even better than the last, crossed both their minds... but Kaworu was the one to initiate yet again, slow but with purpose as he bent down to meet the other at the mouth.

One of them made a faint noise of satisfaction- but it was unclear who.

On his back, sinking into clean sheets and someone else's bed- Shinji was self conscious enough to try and control his breathing of all things; not wanting to move too much and spoil everything, or make noise and ruin the moment. He took shallow breaths despite the outward tameness of the kisses he was now subjected to, as if it affected him much more than Kaworu had intended. It's not like he's doing much, Shinji thought bashfully. Just... kissing. Just lips, he's not touching me anywhere else.He wasn't sure whether he wanted that to change, or if he was satisfied with a simple start.

Kaworu was slow on purpose. He didn't want to take any chance of scaring Shinji away, to make him regret agreeing to this or- he couldn't stand it if Shinji thought lower of him due to anything he did wrong. So the boy wasn't going to take any chances, his mindset to rather ask permission than beg for forgiveness... moving his mouth open and closed at a leisurely pace, Kaworu made sure not to prod with his tongue or nudge between the other's legs with his knee. Even though he so very much wanted to.

It was after a minute or two- maybe more than that- that Kaworu relented, breaking off finally with a indistinct pop of lips. Getting up quickly, careful as not to touch Shinji at all as he did so, sitting up on the bed and smiling shyly. He straightened his shirt, tucking a lock of light hair behind his ear as he made eye contact with the boy next to him, who had now sat up halfway. And was shifting awkwardly on the mattress, looking- in a word- unsatisfied.

"Was that good?" he asked straight off, knowing it was abrupt but deciding he didn't care. "I mean... was that good for you? Did you like-"

"Kaworu..." the other boy interrupted, hesitantly reaching out to touch slight fingers against Kaworu's arm. Almost jolting back from the contact, barely managing to collect himself. Excited.

He was about to continue when he was rudely cut off by the ring of a phone.

A sharp chime to break the quiet atmosphere, making the two boys jump where they sat and turn towards the source of the noise; Kaworu's cell on the bedside table.

The light-haired boy gave Shinji an apologetic glance before turning to pick it up, holding the phone to his ear when all he wanted was to listen to the person sitting next to him.

"Hello?"

"Kaworu Nagisa-?! This is your number, right? I called back the-"

"Yes, it's me," he replied smoothly. Shinji could hear the voice on the other line, and knew who it was, refraining from rolling his eyes.

"It's me again. Is Shinji still at your apartment?" Misato barked, concerned in reality but frayed in showing such. "Put him on the phone. I need to talk to him."

Shinji blanched. He was in trouble, he knew, from the tone through the phone speaker that was loud enough for him to make out every word she spoke- of course she had been worried, but Shinji wasn't in the best mood to talk to her at the moment.

And thankfully Kaworu noticed, gaze flicking back to the boy's nervous expression and making up his mind.

"He's not awake, Miss Katsuragi... I think it's best you call back later." He glanced at Shinji as he spoke, satisfied with the look of relief that swept throughout the other's body language and features at the words.

Misato was muttering on the other line, the two boys hearing something concerning sleep and street addresses. They weren't sure what she said.

"Miss Katsu-"

"Fine, fine whatever- call me when he's up and about. And you're keeping him there, right? His place is too far, I don't want him going back there alone how he’s been." She trailed off on something about Kaji and beer. Shinji could infer that she didn't want him over while her boyfriend was staying with her, for good reason... but staying with Kaworu was also another matter.

And how did Kaworu and Misato come to know each other anyways?

"Understood." Kaworu nodded even though it was only for Shinji to see. "Don't worry, I'll take care of things. I hope the absence is excused, as well-"

"It's not."

And she hung up, sudden so that it came across as rude despite the intention. Shinji sighed, rubbing his eyes. Kaworu looked at the phone for a moment before putting it back on the bedside table, blinking as he turned to ask.

"I'm sorry, what were you going to say-?"

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it..."

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

In reality, Shinji was going to ask for more. On the verge of blatantly stating that it hadn't been enough, and that he was okay with going further- they'd merely kissed, not even a hand under his shirt or... anything he'd expected after what seemed an age of waiting.

It was nice, but could tell that Kaworu had been holding back.

And in turn the thought that Kaworu could and would do more to him sent shivers down his form, head to toe to the tips of his fingers. What an idea.

The possibility of exploring such a situation kept him motivated, knowing he had a whole weekend to do so- it was Friday afternoon, though time had passed unto dinner and they had nothing much to do around the small apartment. And Kaworu had insisted that they stay there just in case Shinji had another exhausted spell, out of safety and precaution. And that Misato would wring his neck if he dared take him anywhere other than were she had explicitly stated.

The two had discussed how Misato had come to trust Kaworu enough to agree to the arrangement- it was a simple thing, how as a transfer student he had to see the counselors more than a few times to figure out his course schedule and to settle in properly. He'd become accustomed to Miss Katsuragi's sarcastic flair, her unprofessional yet competent attitude- he had come to like her. And subsequently Misato had come to know him enough so when Kaworu called claiming he had Shinji at his apartment, willing to care for him for the weekend (due to sleep deprivation that they both had worried over), she trusted him enough to agree.

Which was convenient for everyone.

Especially for the two boys, namely Shinji, who had time to adjust and build up confidence for the entire weekend.

To what ends he wasn't exactly sure yet.

I mean, we kissed- and he confessed- A shiver ran down his spine just thinking about the actions surrounding such moments- Can I ask yet? Is that allowed? Is that alright as of now?

He wasn't sure what grounds he had access to yet.

In any case, he had priorities to keep in place, the first that Kaworu was comfortable with this whole scenario. Shinji wanted to stay out of Kaworu's way first and foremost, to make sure he didn't bother him in any way. Especially because he was a guest in someone else's apartment. He had to keep to himself, had to be considered the perfect neighbor. He couldn't play the radio radio too loud, or use up all the hot water, or go where he wan't allowed. Shinji had to be the best room mate he could over the weekend.

Second and on were his own needs. That being... he really wanted to act on this newfound intimacy he seemed to have with the person he would be living with for the next couple days. He would have plenty of opportunities, but couldn't help resigning himself to defeat. That he would never succeed in- well, in whatever he was hoping to accomplish. Shinji honestly didn't have a plan. Not that he should, but- he was frustrated.

Can I ask?

He had no god damn idea what his boundaries had changed to, if they had been changed at all.

But he figured he'd have to test them sooner or later, whatever consequences would come of it. He was confident enough to try- a strangely foreign feeling, but he felt he had at least the right to try.

So the weekend started tame enough. As if the confession had never happened, conversations and quiet laughter resumed to how it had been before; sweet to the point of almost awkward self-consciousness, but close enough to intimacy that it was still comfortable. Kaworu had left his apartment in Shinji's care for several hours on end to get groceries and the school, just to let Misato know everything was alright in person, exchange some clothes... and had returned to his flat to see the place cleaned to an almost ridiculous shine. Taking initiative to act as an appreciative houseguest, Shinji naturally had taken responsibility to clean up, even though there hadn't been much to do. Just organization really, the dishes, maybe washing a couple things on top of making the bed. Yet the small changes made Kaworu's heart flutter to think that the boy had thought to do such a thing for him- and couldn't stop smiling and thanking him for a full ten minutes after he returned home. And although Shinji denied the thanks, he still smiled and shrunk back in embarrassment in response to such kindly spoken words.

They didn't kiss again. Kaworu didn't initiate, and in turn Shinji wouldn't dare while the other boy had given him no inclination to do so- and they remained at a stalemate for the remainder of most of the weekend. Time that they could have spent well, but instead left Shinji frustrated at the lack of intimacy they'd neglected to change. Kaworu was unaware the other felt this way, smiling all the while without skipping a beat and assumed his temporary roommate felt the same.

He did not.

And was so desperate by the evening of Sunday that he was willing do act on it.

"Kaworu..."

"Mm?"

"I've been meaning to ask you something."

Sitting on the floor yet again, next to the bed- caught up in a conversation that Shinji was trying his best to keep track of, even though his mind was elsewhere. Something about classes, something about the composition they had to write... this or that... He wasn't paying close attention, if at all.

Kaworu stopped to stare, waiting for the other boy to continue, sitting cross-legged.

"Yes- what is it?"

"Um-" Now that it was a possibility, Shinji instantly became nervous, rethinking how he'd planned to phrase it all. "Uh, well- I was wondering, I-"

"Yes?" Another prompt question, followed by a warm smile.

Shinji swallowed. Blushing a dark red even before he'd asked.

"Don't you want to have sex with me?"

"Do-" For the first time the dark haired boy had seen, Kaworu was flustered; unable to form words to speak his mind for a moment or two, a pink tinge rising to his cheeks as he tensed where he sat. "Ah, why do you..? Ask?"

"It's just- we've had all weekend, and we've both said that we like each other... I'm staying at your apartment, alone..." Shinji looked to the ceiling, then to the floor. Anything to avoid eye contact. "I thought this would- you know, be the time to... do something."

"If you want to then of course I'd want to," Kaworu said in a single breath, shifting closer. "I didn't think you... it was on your mind."

"Yeah." It was. Is.

"But- if you wanted to, why didn't you tell me sooner? It's too late now... we have school tomorrow."

"Oh." Shinji's heart dropped from his throat where it had been harming his ability to breathe down to the pit of his core. Disappointed. "Oh, yeah I... understand." He would have apologized if not for the constant reminder Kaworu gave him not to.

They had school, it was Sunday night. It didn't make sense for them to try anything so late.

"Maybe some other time," was the weak consolation. Kaworu did feel bad, though- for not being able to catch on.

It was close to midnight by the time they'd cleaned up; after changing nervously, facing away from each other, the two got into bed. Which in the first place wasn't a good idea to begin with, in light their previous conversation- late at night, nearing twelve which would by definition be the morning of school- and Shinji couldn't handle it. They shouldn't sleep in the same bed given the circumstances.

And in consequence Shinji couldn't get to sleep- he couldn't even close his eyes feeling the warmth of the other boy in the small bed next to him, even though he was curled up into a ball with his back turned. Squirming. A heated sweat started from his neck up to his cheeks, flushing even though he wasn't even touching Kaworu. He could only hear him breathe.

In, out. Kaworu's weight shifted the bed just enough for Shinji to notice, his senses already heightened and... he could feel him, heat and presence. That only made him more restless.

Of course he could only hold out for so long- breathing laboring heavier as time passed and he became even more aware of the other boy next to him, and was growing agitated at the lack of response from his own squirming. Was Kaworu asleep? Notice me. Turn around, touch me. As the hot feeling coiling in his stomach became worse and worse, he went as far as to nudge his elbow to reach back, grazing his fingers against Kaworu's skin. Even then he got no reaction. No sign that Kaworu had tensed due to his fingers, nothing, fuck it-

"Kaworu."

"...Mm?" the boy shifted only a bit, turning but not to face Shinji, only to cover himself more with the sheets. "Are you still awake, Shinji?" he slurred, words soft and almost connected.

Shinji couldn't believe he was doing this- but grabbed for Kaworu's arm, turning him over roughly and shifting so he was on his knees over the other boy. Kaworu's face read a rare expression of genuine surprise.

"Just something quick, I-I don't know I'm..." Really, really horny and I want you- "Something?"

"What are you talking about..?" He was still drowsy, blinking in the dark room to get an idea of where dark-haired boy was leaning over him. "Are you okay..? Are you hungry? Theres still-“

"No. I want you to-" He felt a pang of guilt for snapping, as Kaworu looked confused, but was tired of it all. Hot. Bothered.

"Shinji..."

"Touch me or something I've... all weekend, and I can't..."

"What should I-"

"Anything."

Flustered, Kaworu braced himself on his palms, pushing himself up off the mattress to seal their lips. First step. He already knew Shinji liked kissing, in fact in retrospect he probably was going to ask for more the first time they'd kissed for real. He was starting to feel guilty for not being able to read the signs... whether that be body language or verbal cues, he'd missed them. Still tired, but he needed to make Shinji happy... needed to please him... no matter what that may be, he could guess but- he felt it was his responsibility at this point.

It was obvious by the discontented moans, Shinji's rough lips against his and in turn rough touches- that he wasn't satisfied with their current situation. He wanted more. This was a side of the boy Kaworu hadn't seen before, much less anticipated existed the first place.

"Here..." Their positions were switched quickly, though the actions were clumsy- grabbing the hem of Shinji's sleeve, Kaworu pulled him down so he was on top now leaning over the other. "Better?"

He could see Shinji nod through the dark, before the boy reached up to pull him down yet again into a kiss. This time Kaworu took more initiative to press his lips harder, maybe- maybe that would help- but it was only sloppy, forced and rushed, though the combination didn't do anything to harm their heated circumstance.

He still wasn't happy. Bucking his hips up slightly, Shinji made that clear enough, knotting his fingers up into Kaworu's hair a bit rougher than either intended.

"What do you want to do- me to do?" Kaworu broke off to whisper, gasp against the other's mouth. He didn't know where to go from there. What would be the appropriate route to take, seeking guidance rather than forgiveness for whatever he would have decided was necessary. He wasn't going to outright admit he was lost, though- thrown off by the suddenness of the situation, as well as the disorientation in near darkness past midnight.

Shinji didn't reply at first, instead flushing head to toe at the implication of what Kaworu had voiced. Too embarrassed to respond in speech, he released his grip from the other's soft hair to grab at his own boxers and pull them off. Kaworu could tell what he was doing only through senses of sound and touch- reaching down to brush his fingers against now bare thighs, wetting his lips.

"Touch me, just-" He could barely phrase it aloud he was so discomposed. "I- I know we can't do anything else, but..."

Kaworu swallowed. Settling on his knees in front of the lither boy, he leaned down to brace his hand against the mattress.

"If that's what you... of course," He breathed, a sharp inhale. He's beautiful. "You have to be quiet, though- alright?"

In a sense these words only made Shinji even more eager, and therefore embarrassed, crooking an arm over his eyes and forehead to block his vision even though he could barely see in the lighting. Mostly it was to cool the blush rising heavily to his cheeks, cool skin contrasting against heated.

"Okay..." He bit his lip, unsure if he could keep his promise.

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

In the stream of events that followed, the two became tired and worn through intimacy, falling asleep shortly afterwards. It was dark, and in the attempt to keep quiet as well as enjoy the sloppy experience- it was hard to remember. They hadn't done much, just... touched each other until it was too much, fainting into sleep nearly right afterwards so that they were unable to clean themselves, and therefore the morning was void of leisure in the midst of bashful stuttering and rushed showers. Looking for clothes that had become lost and mixed due to the sudden living conditions of two boys who lived alone being thrown together into one apartment.

And school, though the two weren't anxious to return, was much more nerve wracking than they had previously realized as they returned somewhat changed- especially for Shinji. Kaworu, composed as usual, continued to act as if nothing had happened, relaxed as usual upon meeting with his acquaintances Monday morning. Classes hadn't changed, the same people greeted him in the halls and across the classroom- it wasn't any different for him. And of course the other acted just the opposite, justknowing that people would figure out what had happened, far to anxious to sit still in his seat. "How come you and Kaworu come to school together? You never do that,or "...Is something different between you two-? Hm? You seem off, is all."

If and when rumor of the incident was revealed, Shinji was sure it would be of useless accident. Slipped out somehow, maybe in casual conversation over homework. Shinji didn't even want to admit that he'd stayed over at Kaworu's place, for heed of any suspicion whatsoever. Even if that meant bending the truth somewhat.

Kaworu didn't exactly understand the secrecy, and in turn Shinji noticed and suspected he might let slip what had happened without the rational thought that it would be a bad idea. "What's the need for this? We didn't do anything wrong," the dark haired boy could practically hear the other say, head cocked to the side in innocent naivety. When Shinji didn't really know the answer himself besides embarrassment, he decided not to address the issue, hoping that instead Kaworu would heed his word to keep the whole incident to themselves. No one else could- should- know. Yes, that's it- It's not anyone else's business to know is all, Shinji reassured himself that keeping this secret was justified.

He'd washed his clothes courtesy of the flat's washer and dryer in the bottom floors of the complex, so the cliche of wearing the other boy's clothes didn't apply. That would have been harder to explain walking to school together.

Shinji popped out an earbud as he sat down at his desk that morning, Asuka mouthing unheard words, her pouty frown telling enough.

"Hm?"

"Did you finish the reading assignment..?" Asuka repeated, referring to- wait, what?

"No?" Shinji replied, nervous that he had no idea what she was talking about. "What assignment?"

"Oh yeah, you weren't here Friday..." She turned away, mumbling about how she forgot... she probably wanted to copy part of it. "Skipped school or something, right?"

"I was- sick." Somewhat true. Kaworu had convinced him as such; he was feeling a lot better than usual now that he'd gotten a few nights of restful sleep, a difference he hadn't bothered to consider. He felt awake. "Maybe Rei did it, I wouldn't know... do you need it today?"

"Kind of. I honestly don't think it'll be turned in." The redhead wrinkled her nose at the mention of the other girl's name, a micro action only caught by someone who was looking for it. "So how'd you get along with Kaworu, then?" A cheshire-esque grin lit up pink lips as Asuka smiled wryly, changing the subject as life suddenly rushed into her enough to begin her ritual of poking fun at the smaller boy. "You stayed over at his place, right?"

Shinji flushed red before he'd even replied- even said anything at all, I knew this would happen-

"How did-? How'd you know that?" he asked timidly, hiding his face by opening up the textbook so conveniently brought with him, used for a shield rather than as a school resource. Pretending to actually read it. "I just stayed over for a few days, Misato arranged it."

"Who?"

"Miss Katsuragi," Shinji corrected himself, being on first name basis with his honorary caretaker had caused somewhat of a distraction in their conversation. "The counselor? I wasn't feeling well and she didn't want me staying by myself, so-"

"Weren't you contagious, then? How come Kaworu isn't sick?"

"It wasn't like a flu or anything, I just-"

"I don't think you were sick at all," Asuka grinned even wider. "I think that's just an excuse."

The accusation, while true in Shinji's eyes- sleep deprivation isn't sickness, I'm not sick- hit him harder than it should have. As if he was lying. Kaworu had said he was sick, but he hadn't accepted it up until the point that she'd said otherwise.

"An excuse for what-?!"

"To get closer to Kaworu, right?"

"It's not-"

"Of course it is."

"Look, I was sick and I couldn't stay home by myself, just leave me alone..." he grit his teeth, particularly interested in a table of abiotic examples in his textbook. "Stop it."

Asuka snorted.

"Fine," she scoffed.

"What else do you want me to say?"

The redhead didn't respond, a cold shoulder the only answer she gave, despite her being in the wrong for asking in the first place.

Fuck off, Shinji thought, noting he'd never dare to say it out loud. He only turned up the volume on the music blocking out everything else, including his own thoughts.

The two remained on distant, off terms for the rest of the class period, carrying on into the next even as tensions were lifted slightly by the reunion of other friends to their odd group. More questions ensued thought not as direct as they could have been, but more so when Kaworu's classes conjoined with Shinji's and the others.

It was especially uncomfortable for Shinji when Kaworu started to show signed of affection, rather too obvious for school.

The boy shook them off at first, giving the other a look that he hoped Kaworu would be able to read. He had no idea. Kaworu wasn't one for reading body language or expressions- getting subtle hints or anything like that. It's not like Shinji could write a note that said please, don't smile at me like that its weird- for first of all, his friends would catch it- and secondly Kaworu would obviously not understand and potentially be hurt by such a comment.

So Shinji just tried to shake off the affectionate gazes, the sighs, the smiles, and when Kaworu innocently reached out to rest the palm of his hand over Shinji's where it rested on the boy's thigh. Well, he hadn't been able to just brush it off, more like he jumped an inch or two out of his seat, drawing attention to himself as he pushed Kaworu's hand away.

He merely shook his head, biting his lip.

Shinji was almost disappointed Kaworu didn't attempt it again, until he did; this time in another class where everyone surrounded the same table, supposed to be working on a group project but too enraptured in an argument over something childish. Like Asuka's hairties being different colours, her weird girlfriend, or Rei's lack of reasoning for showing up to class late, something like that. Shinji had lost track of the conversation long ago, only interrupting here and there when he knew what the hell was going on.

Until Kaworu innocently reached for his hand, slipping his fingers in between Shinji's so smoothly that the other boy didn't know he had for a minute. Continuing to laugh and criticize Asuka for something or other-

He only realized it when he squeezed the other's hand, the warmth snapping him out of his daze to turn to Kaworu, high-strung.

"I said-" he snatched his hand back, guilt flooding him as Kaworu sighed at the lack of contact. "I mean, not right now- you can't do that," he whispered in response while Asuka and Toji were distracted in a heated spitting of slurs at each other. Shaking his head, hoping the other would understand. "Not in front of everyone, okay?"

And although he was fittingly happy, a spark running through from the top of his hand up to his shoulder where Kaworu had touched him for a brief moment, he was too nervous and edgy to attest to public displays of affection. Especially when no one knew they had spent the weekend together doing more than they'd claimed.

"Why not?" An expected reply, Kaworu's expression dropping into a slight frown. Confused. "You like me, you said you want to have-"

Shinji slapped a hand over the boy's mouth without hesitation, the dull smack causing the other students to stop their debate for a moment.

"What'd he do?" Rei asked quietly, blinking.

"Yeah-" Ken grinned. "Got something to say, pretty boy? Come on, let him talk!"

"N-nothing," Shinji quickly withdrew his hand, crossing them over his chest. "It's nothing."

Of course the other kids snickered; they'd been trying to get whatever Shinji had been hiding out of him all day. They knew he was keeping something from them, it was just a matter of time until they knew what.

"Dude, Kaworu, what were you gonna say?" Kensuke probed, "I mean, Ikari's all red in the face now-"

"It's nothing, really," the lithe boy offered with a convincing smile, tilting his head slightly. Shinji tried to hide his sigh of relief. "I said something rather lewd, sorry."

"You? Lewd?" Toji shot, nudging the other in the arm. "Impossible."

Shinji played along, laughing nervously. "I was just, uh, caught off guard. It was weird."

"You're a damn angel, I don't believe it."

"You lot are a bad influence, unfortunately," Kaworu laughed, lying through his teeth but only Shinji knew. Kaworu had always been prone to saying things he shouldn't, but it’d never been risqué, and had nothing to do with the boys and girls sitting in front of them.

Laughs and jokes, quips over Kaworu's perfection in light of the rest of the group's imperfections- except Rei. No one could deny the similarities. And soon an argument ensued over who was more annoyingly perfect, Rei or Kaworu- what factors there were, who was the nicest- etcetera. The irony was in Kaworu and Rei staying completely out of it, actually siphoning themselves off to converse quietly to each other with a couple giggles as the others shouted obscenities at each other.

Shinji mouthed a thank you, reminding himself to thank the other later for saving him from a worse embarrassment. The flush painting his face receded as he noted that indeed, Rei and Kaworu did share uncanny similarities. Kaworu was his angel, though.

Even if he was too shy to admit it at the time.

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

The entire week had nearly passed with painfully similar situations.

Kaworu attempted to do something passively affectionate, innocent, but Shinji was too paranoid to accept any form of it. Lacing fingers. Leaning up against one another. Smiling or staring at each other for too long, or even voicing something overly kind- it was in Kaworu's nature, but it wasn't something the other boy was willing to risk. Even if he did quietly enjoy the moments of extra attention.

Honestly, way too much- Shinji got some sort of heated thrill out of it, denying Kaworu when really he wanted it just as much if not more. That heat unfortunately built up over the week. In the form of late night times to himself, and even ar school that one time in the bathroom between classes. He was losing it.

And fed up, Kaworu finally made the decision to bring up the matter, thankfully much later on that Thursday, after school in the music room which was empty for them to use. Working on their project had kept them there past five in the afternoon, and Shinji had assumed the other had forgotten- in turn the unresolved problem hadn't crossed his mind until Kaworu's tone changed as did the topic of discussion.

"Why did you do that?"

Shinji capped the pen he'd been using to finalize certain parts of their sheet music, taking the cap out from between his teeth to speak.

"Do what?"

"Push me away."

Not just referring to the incident earlier in the day, where physically Shinji hadn't been able to stand the boy sitting so close to him- but in general figuratively over the course of the week.

He cleared his throat, attempting to redirect their conversation.

"I- it's not a big deal, is it?" Shinji tried, dragging a finger across one of the pearl white keys. Sitting on the same bench as Kaworu, parallel to the piano but it was really only the other boy who was playing. Experimenting with notes and patterns until it sounded nice, and the inexperienced boy complimented it, his self-designated job to sit and listen rather than play.

"Yes it is."

Shinji flushed to hear such a confident response. Worried, but still heated. That'd been happening a lot lately.

"I didn't think it would upset you that much..." he started, unable to look the other in the eyes, instead settling to stare at Kaworu's thigh, biting at his own lip. "It's just embarrassing."

"Why?"

"It just is."

"I don't understand."

"I'm so-"

"Please stop apologizing, if only you explained..."

"I'm not sure how. To explain it, I mean."

Shinji was put off by the lingering look of dissatisfaction on the other boy's face. Subtle, but definitely there, a frown and slightly knitted brows. Confused and upset.

That was a look he hadn't seen on Kaworu before. As if the quiet, sweet boy could possibly have an unseen side to him.

"Look, I'm..."

"You don't want to be seen with me in public."

"God no, It's not that, no-" Shinji struggled to convey his thoughts accurately, "More like- I know they'll never stop talking about it, and keep asking questions, and- I kind of would rather this just be between you and me, right?"

He hadn't realized his own reasonings until he'd said them aloud. He hadn't stopped to think properly about it in the first place.

"But..." Kaworu looked to the floor. "That means I can't show you affection?"

"I'd rather... not."

"Then why-"

"You can show me 'affection' in private," the response was interjected quickly, the boy stepping closer. "I'm not saying nothing at all, more like- now."

"Now?"

"We're alone, and it's quiet, no one's around." Shinji swallowed. Waiting.

"I don't understand," Kaworu frowned still. "So... so you're saying it's not alright when-"

"For god's sake-" Fed up, the shorter boy bit the inside of his cheek as he grabbed for the other boy's wrist. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you away before, I just- wanted to save it for later, you know? And I didn't want to be too close with you around everybody else, it's not for them to know. Just us."

"So-"

"So right now would be a good time, Kaworu..."

He bit back a nervous laugh as the other boy's eyes widened in understanding, the thoughts clicking into place and oh. Both of them flushed a darker shade, subconsciously checking the room for signs if someone would interrupt.

"Oh..." Kaworu said softly, eyes cast to the ground now. "Would you like to do something now, then?"

"Yes." Exasperated, a sighed out response.

The fair boy looked up to the ceiling far above them, around the room once then back to the floor. Finally, after a couple seconds of tense silence, he took a light hold of the hem of Shinji's tucked shirt and led him to- the side closet? In the process, Kaworu had pulled the shirt out so it became untucked from his belted pants, the lowest button undone.

"In here."

"Why?"

"So no one will see us, like you want."

It was dark. Old and unused instruments were fitted to the wall along the back of the closet wall, covered in dust. The door was creaked shut behind them, so the two adjusted themselves in the small closet by only the faint stripes of light that shone through the openings near the top. Four lines etched light across the boys' faces, connecting them as they looked up from their uncomfortably tight positions to make eye contact. A sharp inhale from both. Implications flashing across their minds, anxious and excited.

"I can't believe we're in here..."

"It's not too dark, right?"

Shinji could see the stripes of light, and from that shred he could see only faint outlines. He could see light etched in a line across the boy's arms, then dark. And his collar lined up with his shoulder from another stripe of light, then dark- jawline, an inch or two of near darkness- then the curve of his cheek. Everything else was faint and grey.

But he could feel the other more. Kaworu resting the palms of his hands against the opposite side of the closet walls, framing Shinji's face and keeping the distance minimal between them. Feel the aura of heat from being close to another person, even more so when it was someone he held dearly to his heart. Even though they hadn't known each other for very long- they needed each other, and that bond had formed quicker than was considered normal.

"It's fine..." he replied finally, shifting so his shoulder made contact with Kaworu's wrist. Just to feel closer. "I really- this is weird."

"You don't want to?"

"No, just- this is kind of silly," Shinji laughed quietly.

"Oh well." Kaworu shrugged, the lines of light shifting over his clothes. "M-" The boy began to say something, cutting himself off, the sound unable to be labeled as a word. He didn't know what to say.

In the same boat, the two were silent for a moment as they waited for the other to do something... whether that be to speak or move, sigh or touch.

Shinji leaned forward off the wall, a jerky movement that didn't last long as he retreated under uncertainties. Pressing his lips together, feeling awkward and unsure of what to do. Settling back against the wall, leaning his head back and hoping Kaworu hadn't noticed his falter. Instead shifting his gaze between Kaworu's lips and the lines that illuminated parts of his figure, hoping he would initiate so Shinji didn't have to... nervous already, but especially about if he would do something wrong.

Thankfully the anxiety to instigate intimacy was read, the taller boy leaning forward to rest his forehead against the other’s. A step forward, but not enough to kiss just yet. Almost nuzzling the other's hair as he wet his lips, tilting his jaw back and up again as he rubbed against the side of Shinji's face. Turning to kiss his cheek lightly, more of just a press of lips against smooth skin, trailing down to Shinji's ear.

He was bright red, and thankfully it was too dark for Kaworu to see. He tilted his head to the side to give the other boy more comfortable access, looking up. Closing his eyes.

"When... the other night, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

He just blurted it out, unable to process he'd even said it until he already had. Tensing up, hands pressed hard against the wall behind him.

Kaworu stopped, pulling back slightly to catch the other's gaze, making eye contact and smiling slightly.

"I liked it."

"You just- I shouldn't have forced you to-"

"I agreed," Kaworu nearly laughed, the sides of his mouth twitching wider. "I would have said no if I wasn't comfortable with it..."

"But-"

"Shh..." He pressed forward again, onto lips this time instead. Soft, pleasant. Slow. Pulling away after a long kiss, "... It's fine. Really. I enjoyed it." And Kaworu pressed forward again, somewhat harder this time. Confident.

Shinji's face heated up to twice what it had been, blinking in surprise. He had little choice but to go along with it, raising his hands to wrap into the front of Kaworu's shirt.

It was messier than before, an attempt at something rougher in terms of lips including teeth as Shinji turned his head to the side too sharply. A slight shock of panic, but when Kaworu didn't respond to the setback it settled back into warm longing. Inexperience led to sloppy movements, tongue and lips. Insecurity had the two on nervous tensions, wanting to do their best but- unsure where to go.

Kaworu was the one to break the boundary into something more serious.

Shinji didn't expect it, a hand up his shirt to splay against the skin of his hips, just above the hem of his pantline. Especially when Kaworu attempted to unbutton them, without difficulty managing to pull them down slightly so they hung just below his hips.

"M- Wait..." As he broke the messy kiss they shared to turn away to breathe, a shiver of heat spread down his chest to his thighs.

"Hmm?" Kaworu pulled back, the break of lips allowing him access to focus more- slipping both hands down the front of Shinji's trousers, palms flat against skin and fabrics. "Are you alright?" Breathing against the other's collarbone.

Shinji shivered again, flinching back against the wall and retreating to stare up at the ceiling of the closet again.

"Y-yeah..."

His hands were smooth. Soothingly so against his hips, down into his undergarments it- it was uncomfortably pleasant.

"What are you doing..?"

"What we did the other night."

"But, at school-?" A panicked tone.

Kaworu didn't respond, preoccupied with kissing down along the line of the other's jaw. Leaning lower. Shinji jumped as the boy stepped back to lower himself to his knees, using both hands to pull his garments down farther, two fingers inside the belt loops.

"No, but- this isn't what we- oh-" Shinji shuddered, the consuming feeling of lust taking over him and expelling all doubts into a blank slate. "N-!"

Kaworu kissed along the inside of other's hips, smooth skin and tan lines visible along his waist. He worshipped those lines, making sure to press his lips along every inch until he'd come to the point he'd physically have to crane his neck to reach further around the boy's torso. Palms dropping to the inside of Shinji's thighs, running a knuckle down into the 'v' between his legs.

It was if air was running out on him. Sticky. Hot. Breath catching, eyes wide as he thought for an irrational moment that he was no longer able to take another-

"Ka-" Sharp inhale, grip tightening as a wave of heat spread from his chest to his toes, down his arms to the tips of his fingers where they curled into the fabric of the other's shoulders. "Ka-aworu-"

"Mm?" He kissed along the other's length, prominent now after all he'd done. "Are you still alright?"

"I-I'm-" More than alright. Keep doing that, he thought, but couldn't get the words out. Instead, it only registered to open his mouth into a moan, lifting a hand from the wall to cover his mouth. "Hnnn-"

Kaworu took it as a yes, thankfully. Opening his mouth slightly. A hint of wet, his tongue- we didn't do this the other night, Shinji panicked, unable to stop himself from making another roughly lewd noise- deciding to stick three of his own fingers into his mouth to bite down. Trying to stay quiet. We didn't do this that night, he didn't do this, I-

It's too much...

Feeling that buildup of heat, about to lose it- Shinji bit down hard on his fingers as he heard muffled voices.

Kaworu stopped.

Shinji nearly swore.

"Why are there instruments still out..?"

"I dunno."

Ruffling of papers, footsteps and a heated glance between the two boys hiding in the small closet in the same room.

"Oh, it's those guys in our class' sheet music-"

"Looks like they've done more than we have."

"Great..."

"Should we put these away?" More shuffling, now agitated muttering.

"Probably. Agaki would get mad otherwise."

"But it's their stuff."

"They've already left, just... Come on, help me with this."

Conversations trailed into the background as Shinji couldn't take it anymore. He was nearly there, hanging on the edge by a thread, and-

He didn't say anything. Reaching down to thread his fingers into the other's light hair, too embarrassed to voice what he wanted. Looking up so he didn't have to make eye contact, biting his lip and trying still to stifle his irregular breathing. Tightening his grip. Hoping he could get what he was hinting at without having to actually ask for it.

Shinji's will was met as he tried to hold back an erratic sequence of breaths, raspy intakes in reaction to the way Kaworu started up again; wetter this time, taking him in even more than before. The dull heat that had settled in his stomach filled his nerves again, his knees almost buckling under him, even though he felt lighter. It was as if he'd lost feeling in his legs, heat the only sensation he felt.

"Hmmm-" Shinji cut himself off, whimpering his pleasantries quietly as to make sure they weren't heard if the two students were still in range. "Kaworu," he whispered, another shiver running down his form. The only response he got was a vibration from the other boy's hummed response. Shinji couldn't help himself, rocking hips hips forward slightly- oh god-

He could almost count down his release. Feeling the build up, coil and tighten- his toes curling against the soles of his shoes, fingers tightening regrettably too much into Kaworu's hair- eyes open, but he couldn't see anything. He knew he was staring up at the ceiling, but couldn't tell- he couldn't process it. He couldn't breathe. Air caught in his throat, a silent moan...

A harsh exhale. Shinji slumped down against the closet wall, indecent and unclothed from his hips to his calves- eyes half lidded in shock. Breathing heavy.

Blinking, trying to focus his eyes on the boy in front of him, sitting in between his splayed bare legs. After such a realization he closed them in shy embarrassment, looking to the ground with flushed features. Perceiving he was clean, noting the implication.

"Thanks," he whispered. Afraid to look up, but did anyways and saw the dark outline of Kaworu's face close to his, smiling kindly.

"You're really cute."

Shinji was beet red.

"You didn't have to- to do that. I didn't think you would- go that far..."

"I thought you would like it," Kaworu smiled.

The disheveled boy almost felt like repeating the whole process a second time right there and then.

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

Shinji had made a mistake.

Upon taking the train home that evening, after making sure the two other students had left and hurriedly collecting their things- he'd realized it, covering his mouth suddenly in public.

He hadn't given Kaworu anything at all.

Gripping the metal pole that helped him keep his feet grounded, he leaned heavily against it realizing his fault. Shinji felt awful. He should have realized, should have remembered that it wasn't all about him even though he'd instigated it and gotten release first. Kaworu had probably been affected likewise. At least. Shinji assumed he would be. Just thinking about it made him pull up his hood to hide his face, pull his drawstrings closed so it would be hard for anyone to spot his defining blush. What time was it? Would Kaworu have taken care of himself yet?

He couldn't call. He had the boy's apartment phone number, but wouldn't dare. He'd apologize the next day, somehow, but- he wasn't sure how to bring it up. Or what if Kaworu was fine, hadn't been affected at all? What if Shinji was just assuming incorrectly, when in fact he himself had reacted quite more sensitively to the situation when it really hadn't been all that intimate to begin with?

It made him nervous to think that Kaworu possibly hadn't reacted similarly. Shinji felt as if he was using the other boy, now. Using his mouth. He shook his head. Heat spread over his face, pressing the side of his cheek to the metal pole to cool himself down. He'd liked it, what they'd done. And he hoped Kaworu liked what they'd done just as much- I'm just overreacting again, Shinji reasoned with himself. Kaworu said he wouldn't do anything he wasn't comfortable with. I just- I can't believe I didn't do anything for him. I'm such an asshole...

Kaworu must hate me now.

No I-I'm just overreacting.

He went on arguing with himself throughout the train ride back to his own flat, hoping to come to some terms with himself on what to do. What to say the next morning.

But that just led to what he would have said, or done, if he'd succeeded in realizing Kaworu was in need of comparable attention.

And in turn he realized it wasn't the best place to think about it.

It was late when he finally worked up the courage to call, on the edge of his nerves and worried he'd crack. Picking up and putting down his corded phone countless times, he'd lost track on what he'd decided to say if he actually did dial to reach Kaworu. Biting his lip. Feeling nauseous, but a weight in his gut told him he had to call. For his own relief more than Kaworu's really- but he lost track of the time, knowing it was late, knowing the boy was probably asleep but- at least he could try.

Twirling the cord between two fingers and his thumb, the droning sound of trills echoed on three times. The anxiety gripping him told Shinji to just hang up, to give up, especially when it hit four- but thank god he held on, worked past his nervous chills even has he lost hope when he heard the voice he was hoping for on the other line.

"Hello?"

"Kaworu," Shinji breathed, exhaling the air he didn't realize had built up in his lungs. Gripping the phone with both hands. "Thanks for- for picking up."

A sigh on the other end, tired-sounding for good reason. Fuzzy, but exactly what Shinji needed.

"Why'd you call so late? What is it?"

"Oh, I'm fine, I'm okay, I was just. I'm sorry."

"For what?" He could hear the slight annoyance in Kaworu's voice that he'd again apologized, for something he had no idea was even worth saying sorry for.

"I kind of- didn't..." Shinji swore under his breath. "I don't know how to... say it."

"What did you call me for, really?"

"I didn't repay you for what you did for me." A hot flush passed through the skin of Shinji's face as he said it, thankfully dissipating just as quickly. "I- I felt bad about that, I thought I'd... call..."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

An awkward silence, yet despite the flares of anxiety Shinji was smiling. He nearly laughed.

This was the happiest he'd ever been. It was strange to make the connection, that he was so in love- that so late, calling on a Thursday night when he should be asleep and lying in bed, he was on the phone with the most important person in his life.

And he did end up giggling, unsure if Kaworu heard him over the line but- pulling the phone away from his ear for a moment to laugh out loud, he stifled the sound with a hand.

"What?" Shinji heard Kaworu snicker from over the phone, confused but pleased. "What is it?"

"Nothing, I just- this is really-" He laughed again, unable to control himself. Loud and filling the dark room, alive. "I-I just-"

He heard a thump from the floor above him, a couple, as if someone was stomping against the floor or had dropped something. Stopping short to clap a hand over his mouth, he shushed into the receiver.

And laughed again, stifling it as much as he could, biting his knuckle; when it didn't work, just laughing harder, he smushed his face into his mattress and burst out in muffled laughter, still holding the phone to his ear.

"Quiet down there! It's late!" Shinji heard, barely audible as legitimate words through foundation and carpeting from the neighbor above. He would have apologized, but thought better of it.

"What was that?" Kaworu laughed as well, softly into Shinji's ear. "Did you get told off?"

"Yeah," he turned his head to reply in a whisper, grinning madly into his sheets. "That's never happened before."

"First for everything, my dear."

Shinji blushed. So very happy.

"Oh, oh and- well, um..." He sat up, holding the phone close to his mouth in order to speak as quietly as possible. "Are you-? I didn't..."

"Hm?"

"After you- you know, for me, in the closet- were you okay? Or should I have... done something for you?"

Kaworu laughed, tinny over the phone line.

"It would have been nice."

"I'm so, so sorry Kaworu-"

"It's perfectly fine!" Shinji could practically hear his smile on the other end. And in turn smiled just as wide as he pictured Kaworu was. "You can do something for me some other time, alright?"

Shinji bit his lip.

"Alright," he sighed, covering his mouth to hide a smile no one else would have seen anyways.

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

Friday, and Shinji was again tired from lack of sleep.

He'd realized it halfway through a sleepless night, optimistic attitude shocking himself into realization of how his insomnia had laid off him in the past couple weeks. He'd been getting enough sleep lately, smiling as he drifted off into unconsciousness a lot earlier than he was used to. The difference in how he felt upon waking up that morning was shocking; he hadn't realized how sleep affected him this much.

Being with Kaworu had eased his insomnia, it seemed. And he hadn't realized the difference in how he felt until he had snapped back to his formerly deprived state.

Funny how cures work.

And although he was tired, and worried about how he'd affected Kaworu, he still smiled as he woke up. Blinking lazily and dressing with ease, even though it was hard to tell which clump of fabric was his pants or his shirt. He was getting better. He felt better.

Shrugging on his pants, humming a song in his head without the need of earbuds to aid him. In fact, he ended up leaving them at his apartment- not exactly on purpose, but he hadn't had the overwhelming intoxication of feeling attached to them. It was refreshing to feel he didn't need them.

He held confidence.

And thankfully it kept him high even through school, meeting Kaworu finally in the hallways on the way to separate classes. They wouldn't see each other for a couple periods more. Exchanging mutual greetings, Shinji grabbed for the other's hand in a spur of the moment, out of character and out of his comfort zone- though he didn't realize what he'd done until Kaworu had addressed it.

"Do you need something?" Kaworu asked, smiling and stopping to guide both of them to the side of the hallway so they weren't blocking the flood of students.

"Oh." Shinji blushed, looking down. "I just- I don't know, I'm in a really good mood today."

"Good," came a silky reply. "I'm glad you are." And he kissed Shinji on the forehead, soft and quick but-

"Kaworu..."

Shinji'd meant to say it accusatorially, he'd done it with everyone around. But he smiled instead as he said the other's name, pleased he'd done so. He wasn't anxious that anyone had seen.

Fuck, he didn't care. For the first time in forever.

Kaworu waved goodbye, a slight smile adorning his features as he walked in the other direction in which Shinji had come from.

Shinji shook his head, walking off in the opposite direction with a pleasantly happy expression. One that wasn't present often, unless Kaworu was around.

And that afternoon, last class wrapping up, Kaworu invited him over for the night.

It hadn't been abrupt, just a whisper and a smile, as casual as if he'd only said a polite farewell. Shinji knew it was more than just a free and easy invitation by the way Kaworu's lips actually brushed against his ear, if only slight, but it was purposeful. And the smile on the fair boy's face as he pulled away, shifting his bag on his shoulder and turning to leave, was the final hint officiating that this would be the night they'd been hoping to get to for some time.

Shinji covered his obvious shiver with crossing his arms, flushing red and looking down at the tiled floor. Hoping no one would notice.

He was anxious, but for once in an excited manner. Taking the train home, hurriedly entering his place and throwing aside his backpack, he packed a set of clothes to wear along with necessary toiletries. Brushing his teeth quickly because- well, why not? He wanted it to be perfect.

It had to be, he'd waited forever for a time to finally fulfill what he really, really wanted.

In fact- I might as well take a shower. Yeah. That's probably the best idea- or at least, the safest, he thought to himself, stripping swiftly in order to take his time washing himself off. He used conditioner twice, and opened the body wash he'd never bothered to use before. Which turned out to be fruit flavoured, which he hadn't exactly planned on. Oh no, I'm going to smell like strawberries...

Although he felt silly carrying a backpack to his friend's house late in the afternoon, taking the train practically all the way back to the school so he could walk to Kaworu's apartment. He was giddy with nervous energy.

That same lightheaded seventh heaven feeling stayed with him on the walk over, a tiny skip in his step as he crossed block after block. Reaching the base of the complex he vaguely remembered, hoping he remembered the flat number correctly- and inhaled sharply, rocking back and forth on his heels for a moment or two before making the decision to continue forward. He made his way up to the door, eyeing the keypad and only hesitating for a moment before punching in the four numbers of Kaworu's apartment number. Holding his breath as he waited for the buzz of a voice, letting him inside.

There it was.

"Shinji?" A happy sigh resounded over the intercom.

"It's me," he replied quickly, a smile crossing his features. "I'm- I'm here."

"I'll let you in, hold on..."

"Okay."

Another buzz, a beep, and Shinji grabbed the handle of the door to let himself in as it unlocked. Crossing that threshold dropped a weight down to the bottom of his stomach, engrossed in a pure feeling of butterfly-esque excitement. Covering his mouth with a hand to hide a smile, even though no one could see in the lobby of the complex; he made his way to the stairs and to find his way to Kaworu's door. And barely knocked before his call was answered, the fair boy's nervous smile visible before the rest of his face was through the crack he opened in the door.

Kaworu reached out a hand to latch onto the other's wrist, gently pulling him inside and clicking the door closed behind them.

A collective sigh from both, similar pink cheeks and looks of endearment.

"So."

"So?"

"I brought some clothes and stuff..." Shinji set down his bag, clearing his throat as he bent over to unzip it. "So I'm better off than last time, I won't have to borrow your clothes..."

A kiss on his temple, Kaworu having leaned over to brace his hands against his knees as he did so. And another against Shinji's cheek as the fair boy raised a hand to lift the other's jaw with a knuckle and thumb, lips meeting. A sigh out Kaworu's nose, content and fulfilled.

Shinji forgot all about his bag, whatever he was going to get, and stood up straight to curl his fingers forcefully into the other's shirt. Kiss devoid of any sweetness to be replaced by carnal longing, it was all lips and no tongue. Hard. Harsh.

The two broke off with a huff after a moment, dissatisfied.

"That was- I'm sorry," Shinji flushed, abashed.

"It's okay, it's fine," was the softly spoken reply, yet laced with subtle need. Rushed. "Try again, right?" Breathless, Kaworu latched his fingers around the other's waist, fingers curving into belt loops and forcefully dragging the other farther into the room. He'd never been so forward before.

Pressing the other against the edge of the mattress, Kaworu followed Shinji as they both fell back onto the bed, faces close.

And as suggested they attempted a second time, the result much more pleasing than the last. Softer, slower, Kaworu taking the lead as he worked his way in-between the other's legs to make himself comfortable. Silken kissing, tongue and lips more experienced than Shinji had anticipated, he couldn't help letting out involuntary sighs and sounds as breathing became more and more difficult to manage. Having to balance between the ideals of air and what felt good, the two boys eventually figured out a pattern of smacks where they broke off to breathe for a moment before leaning in again.

And although their mouths acted slower than before, their physical movements otherwise were a bit out of their comfort zone to say the least. Kaworu shifted Shinji farther onto the bed, the mattress bouncing slightly with their efforts, touches reaching their target a lot faster than was usual for them. Stripping of clothes, which were clean on both ends in an effort to impress, strewn aside in a hurried fashion that allowed their movements to be freer. More erratic.

So their greeting had bled into intimacy far quicker than either had imagined, practically naked and far closer than they'd ever actually been.

But at this point, neither knew how to continue.

Embarrassed and hot, the two paused to break apart for a moment, heavy breathing and an oscillating fan the only sounds to distract them.

"So, so what-"

"I..." Kaworu flushed darker than Shinji had ever seen him, biting back a goofy smile to see the boy so flustered. "Hold on."

Shinji crossed his bare legs as he watched the other jump off the mattress, fiddling under the bed for something. And on second thought, looking down and realizing his state, pulled the sheets up over his legs to cover his bare skin with a rush of heat to his stomach.

"Okay, oh..." Kaworu came back into full view in briefs with a piece of paper and a plastic packet, still reading as he climbed back on. "Well..."

"What's that?"

"Asuka-"

"What?"

"I asked her about what to do."

"You did-" Shinji flushed dark at the idea of Kaworu asking, and even darker at what Asuka of all people had suggested. "What?! Kaworu, no why would you..."

"She wrote down what we-"

"Give me that-" Snatching the crudely scribbled on paper from the other's grip, he braced himself for the worst as he scanned over the writing. And his blush reddened considerably, line by line, step by step. Raising a hand to his mouth to hide the fact that his mouth had opened in some kind of unexpected stimulation. Especially when he got to the bulleted list of "possible 'if's and 'maybe's".

"W-were you really going to do all this..?" A fascinated murmur, looking up with an expression much different than Kaworu’s confused one.

"I read most of it... but, I want to make sure you're okay with it all, right?" The boy blushed, and Shinji thought he might die from overheating.

"You can do anything you want," Shinji muttered, folding up the paper carefully as he definitely planned to draw ideas from it later, no matter the source. "You- you know what to do, then? That-"

"Yeah, I..." Kaworu picked up the condom, turning over the shiny plastic in his palms before setting it aside for later. "Let's-"

He was cut off as Shinji leaned forward, lips meeting again, and after reading kind of had... some inkling of what they needed to do. Tilting his head slightly as he opened and closed his mouth, slow but demanding, trying to hit that perfect balance. He raised a hand to curl his fingers around the other's shoulder, pulling him closer with a rush of heat from his cheeks to his toes. Breathing in sharply through his nose, noting the one or two things on that paper that he'd caught for technique. Though he'dnever admit it.

Breaking off with a wet noise, Shinji avoided eye contact as he did so, staring down at his own naked thighs. He was waiting for Kaworu to say something, to laugh, to sigh or- something.

Instead of words, Kaworu made a strangely low noise as he pushed the other boy backwards, pinned the other boy by his forearms and smothered him with his own weight. Lips fastened to the curve between neck and shoulder, unsatisfied after a moment or two and moving on to edged collarbones-

"Kaworu-"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" the boy panicked, worrying he'd gone too far, attempting to pull away before Shinji laced his fingers together around the back of Kaworu's neck.

"No, no it's good..."

Loosely continuing, open mouthed kisses and lazy sighs, the two entangled themselves in the sheets and each others' limbs. All over each other in the sweetest of clumsy ways, warm and comforting even though they were trying something scarily new. It was okay. Better than okay, it felt good, it was loving and perfectly hot enough at the same time. Radiating passion even through inexperience and anxiety, the positivity of just being with each other overpowered all doubt and worry over not being good enough.

And as confidence blossomed within both of them, Kaworu pressed forward physically in situating himself in between the other's legs. Running the smooth palms up and down Shinji's thighs, to the back of his knees and making the darker-haired boy shiver- pressing his hips forward just barely, hardly noticeable. Slow and controlled, though it was obvious it was an effort to keep it that way.

"Touch me," Kaworu mumbled under his breath. As if he hadn't actually meant to ask aloud, but it happened anyways.

"What?"

"You haven't really touched me yet, I- just a little. Not enough." Heat rushed through both of them. "Please?"

"Like what..?" Shinji muttered, all for it but too embarrassed to seem excited about it. And was all too inclined to do whatever he was told from the way Kaworu's mouth was still against his jaw, kissing lightly and fishing for an answer.

Kaworu fumbled for a hold on Shinji's wrist, pulling the other's hand to the curve of his own stomach. Suggesting with a flicker of eye contact and a sharp inhale of breath, he asked again.

"Please?"

The dark-haired boy complied, swallowing thickly before looking down to see what he was doing. Soft, slow movements, experimental and near obsessive in noting each reaction. Each gasp, each sigh, making a mental list of where and what to touch, how fast, how tight. Sharp intakes of breaths on both sides, desperate, borderline on moans.

"Shinji... Shinji..." Repeated as a mantra, whispered through kisses and broken into parts through such a process. More frantic now, fingers curling harder into skin as he pinned Shinji's shoulders to the mattress, losing control quicker than expected. "You're very good, so good..."

Shinji had to collect himself for a moment before replying, out of breath and red in the face. Too out of it to process the question and in turn to formulate an answer right away.

"You know how I said I owe you..?" He whispered, stopping his movements for a moment to look up at the boy poised over him.

Kaworu nodded, dazed and longing, attempting to keep himself grounded.

"Do you want that now?"

"Yes," was the immediate reply.

Shinji bit back a smile, nervous and excited, resuming the movements of his hand with a sigh.

"Right..." He swallowed, "Do you have any lotion, then?"

"Yes." A fumble for the drawer of the side table, tangled limbs and bedsheets. A curse or two thrown at the pace of the maneuver, finally acquiring the bottle. It was clearly not meant for this kind of activity.

The two settled into the mattress as comfortably as they could get, Kaworu focusing on Shinji's face on while the other's gaze was focused on the blankets and sheets of the bed, avoiding eye contact in his vulnerable state.

Shinji had tried a couple times before. It hadn't turned out well. Once in the shower, an awful and confusing experience- and one time in the dead of night and it did nothing for him. But Kaworu here, just looking at him mesmerized was enough to get him excited to try again.

Readying himself with lotion and settling his nerves, Shinji seated himself back against the wall the bed was pressed up against in order to use both hands. Leaning back, he closed his legs to prevent a view, gingerly rubbing his fingers against that certain spot. Too nervous to start right away.

"A-are you really going to watch?" A shaky breath.

Kaworu nodded eagerly, mouth open slightly. And then faltered, as if catching himself and instead began bit his lip.

"If you don't-"

"You can if you want," Shinji whispered, barely audible. He thought maybe he was too quiet, but was far too embarrassed to say it again.

Thankfully Kaworu heard, nodding and crawling forward on hands and knees to press his lips against the other's cheek.

"I just want you to be comfortable, okay?"

Shinji flushed red from head to toe, a shiver passing over him as he covered his own mouth with his free hand.

The fair boy continued to leave light kisses along the other's jaw while Shinji tried his best to prepare himself. It was hard to stay focused when Kaworu was so close, foreheads bumping from time to time, breath intermingling through gasps and sighs. Shinji made a high sound from the back of his throat once he hit a certain spot, shifting slightly where he sat to hit it again, burying his face into the crook of Kaworu's neck. And even through the physical exchanges, Kaworu stayed quiet. Still interactive, of course, but he didn't make much of any sound besides labored breathing.

Shinji on the other hand moaned loudly, biting his lip, trying to keep his voice down. It was hard when he was scissoring himself with the implication that the boy in front of him would be aiding him physically in the span of a few minutes. He whimpered out an incoherent name, though it was obvious whose, pleasure starting to bloom its way throughout his system.

"Mm." The fair boy took control suddenly, set off by something whether a sound or movement, taking hold of either of Shinji's knees and spreading them apart for access.

"Kaworu, Kaworu w-ait-" Shinji whined, removing his fingers quickly out of shyness but in turn made a regrettable sound from the loss. He blinked rapidly, trying to create space but learning quickly that there was nowhere to go. He was trapped between the wall and Kaworu's figure, quite exposed. "I don't think-"

"You're so beautiful," Kaworu cut him off with a press of lips to the edge of Shinji's mouth, hands working on a condom in obvious desperation. "You're perfect. I'm so lucky, I don't deserve you..." Whispered affections, slurring into strings of words that were undistinguishable as sentences. Shinji has never heard him talk like that before.

He continued on in sliding his hands up Shinji's neck, then down to the boy's bare shoulders and manipulating him back onto the mattress. A swift movement, so that he didn't realize he was flat on the bed again until Kaworu's breath was against his ear, continuing in muttering nothings. Shinji inhaled sharply, attempting to close his legs but blocked by Kaworu's hips situated in between them.

"Wait-"

"Yes..?" A pained expression, trying to stay in control and considerate of the boy underneath him. Holding back. Closing his eyes in order to avoid looking at the boy he wanted to ram into his mattress. "Shinji..." A whine.

"Go slow okay? I- this is..." Shinji said quietly, raising his hands to grip Kaworu's forearms. "...Kind of scary."

"Okay, it's okay..." Kaworu breathed, shaking his head as he leaned in to kiss the other again. Slow and wet, breaking off only to look down and watch himself slide in.

"Kaworu-"

"You're so beautiful..."

"Oh my god-" Shinji gasped, grabbing for white sheets and staring at the ceiling to hold himself together. Whiny breaths, one after another, trying to adjust but every angle just felt too good- "Wait, stop-!"

"Oh, Shinji..." Kaworu whimpered, stopping but just barely. Shivering as he held himself in place, gritting his teeth. "Please..."

Shinji whined again, high and drawn out, lips drawn open. Trying to formulate coherent thoughts, but unsuccessful, feeling a coil in the pit of his stomach that had him on edge.

And in turn such a sound pushed Kaworu over such a ledge, pushing forward in an unintentional reflex, head falling forward as he let out a heavy groan.

Shinji couldn't scream, he couldn't let out a sound at all- coming all over his own stomach, shivering at his own climax that lasted a lot longer than expected. Once he felt the ability to control his own voice again, he let out a sigh-esque moan, falling limp against Kaworu's mattress.

The two breathed heavily for a moment or two, grasping the situation and feeling each other's warmth.

"Sorry, it was just too much," Shinji panted, feeling his heart in his chest.

"You're..." Kaworu muttered, still attempting to keep himself calm in light of the circumstance. "Can you keep going, or..?"

"Kaworu, I-" You're still- you still need... "Y-yeah. You can, I- oh-"

He couldn't wait for the boy underneath him to finish speaking, rocking forward and back in a steady pace predetermined through the time he'd had to think.

"I love you. I love you."

"Kaworu- ah-!"

He couldn't form the words to reply with anything besides the other's name, though he made every other sound imaginable in place of understandable structured phrases. Covering his mouth in embarrassment, Shinji became excited again a lot quicker than he'd thought after just climaxing. Kaworu's face, focused and immersed in lust, definitely aided the process.

The bed was creaking, one squeak after another in perfect sequence. Kisses to go along with each noise, pecks along damp skin and- they'd both have to take a shower after this. Maybe together, who knew.

.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.

Shinji stayed over the entire weekend, and they lost track of how many times they were able to do something together. They only went all the way twice more, but being in the same apartment for two whole days, it was impressive how much they held themselves back. In any case, it was a miracle that the two were well-rested come Monday morning. Usually Shinji was an asshole as the school week started, so it was notably confusing yet nice that he seemed so awake and pleasant.

Such a positive, content mood lingered like a cool breeze throughout the weeks that passed, so vibrant in emotion that it seemed to emanate off of the couple. So obvious that it was quite noticeable, and was a topic of conversation, considering their peer group was all too interested in the first place. And in turn it was too tempting not to ask.

The irony of it all was they didn't even need to ask once the two had become so close and so comfortable with each other that they didn't feel the need to directly hide. Or, well- Shinji had finally settled in being comfortable with it all, at least. Kaworu always had been and would continue to be, it was in his nature.

The whole thing came to light over the following weeks, casual hints here and there that something else was going on dropped by the pair so that it would become transparent overtime. So that Shinji didn't have to directly confess to being in a relationship, but he didn't have to hide it anymore either. Kaworu went along with it only because it made his other half happy.

The hints were just little things, like holding hands for short periods of time or whispering sweetly to each other, quite closer in proximity than what would be deemed healthily friendly. And surprisingly it was the more timid of the two, the one who attempted to hold back on public displays of affection, who began to initiate them over those next few days that turned to weeks of time passing. Even pleasantly short pecks on the cheek, to forehead kisses- having to stand higher on his tiptoes to do so comfortably, Shinji was the one who initiated and in turn it was Kaworu who was surprised at the other's actions.

Curious.

And so the dreaded moment of revelation turned into a pleasantly casual experience, overtime understanding became more clear that yes they were together and yesthey had been for quite some time now- it wasn't a big deal for anyone anymore. Indeed it hadn't exactly been in the first place, just gossip, but Shinji had finally realized he was the only one blowing things out of proportion. It was just him. And now that the anxiety of it all had dissipated, he was all too happy to participate in the soppy public displays of affection that Kaworu so dearly loved to participate in.

A small mentionable detail was that Asuka lost and Kensuke won a bet on the whole ordeal.

They didn't refer to each other as boyfriends out loud as of yet, but it was only a matter of time- at least before Kaworu started to comfortably use the term, and Shinji would get used to it on his own. Everyone else was just waiting, while they already knew and considered the two as such.

Carefree weeks passed where Shinji's full-night insomnia lessened to a quick hour of drowsy conscious drifting, sleepless nights turning in to enjoyably rest-filled ones. It was so different, so nice. It didn't seem so quiet in his empty apartment anymore.

That was, until the dreaded week where the two lovers' project was finally due. A month or so of lazy composing and procrastination had turned to stress in that week, knowing their piece was due by Friday while presentations had begun as the week had started. They hadn't finished.

Finalizing the piece hadn't been an issue though- it was working up the nerve to actually play that weighed on their chests, though- it was more Shinji who was having confidence issues. As he always had. But he couldn't work his way out of this one, he had to play, he hadn't played for anyone really other than Kaworu, Agaki, Misato... and Rei that one time. Hardly anyone had actually heard his talent, only heard of it. So the biggest factor of why Shinji was starting to cycle back into sleepless nights was due to his inexperience, his anxiety over playing for others- the fear of failure and the fear of disappointing himself and everyone else who heard him.

They'd worked on it after school. Their friends had volunteered to act as dummies, a test audience, bemusedly drawing up plastic seats in a line to sit and watch in. And only when Shinji blanched and mind fogged so badly he couldn't read his own sheet music, did they realize how bad it was.

"Shinji, come on, it's only us."

"I've heard you before..." Rei said softly, blushing slightly. "I think you're good."

"But I-"

"Just- clear your mind." Kensuke had gripped the boy by the shoulders, staring eye to eye in a fashion which could almost be considered manic. "You can do it. You can do it. You can do it."

"That's... not helping," Shinji protested, frustrated by both the proximity and the mantra that was quickly dubbed quite annoying.

"You can do it. You can-"

"Stop, seriously Ken, it's not helping."

"You can-"

"Kensuke get off him." Toji grabbed his counterpart by the collar, hoisting him up and off of Shinji and propping him back on his feet. Comical. "You've gotta believe in yourself, Ikari. Now I actually want to hear you play, this is getting to be such a big deal-"

"Same here, just get it over with," Asuka interjected. "I'm meeting Mari at four, I need to get out of here..."

"Asuka..." Kaworu muttered under his breath, annoyed at the apparent lack of support. But he didn't continue, as Shinji had already come up with a response.

"It's- I don't know, I'm just nervous I... I want to try it again." Looking to the floor, Shinji couldn't help feeling sorry and guilty that he was keeping his friends after school for such a ridiculous reason. He was too shy to play in front of more than one person- hell, he'd been too nervous to even play in front of one, depending on who and the situation- he was awful at this.

"Fine."

"You sounded good so far, at least."

"... He looks pale, maybe we should stop for the day..."

Shinji didn't know what to do. Relying on his friends for support was somewhat of a help, but didn't feel they really stood behind him on the whole thing. He felt more guilty than supported. And although he knew his friends cared about him enough to deal with his issues and help him, he couldn't help it... They must be so frustrated with me.

It was late by the time they'd finished. Asuka had left to go meet her girlfriend, who they'd heard a lot about (and only met once in quite an embarrassingly uncomfortable fashion), while Rei had to pick up her sister from daycare. Ken and Toji had left for sports soon after, and Kaworu unfortunately had to leave because of a counseling meeting.

A hand on his shoulder, a muffled voice. Shinji popped his earbuds out, looking up from his blank gaze to the floor, devoid of emotion but attempting to think his worries away.

"Hm?"

"Shinji..." Ken smiled warily, looking down with a fond expression. Genuine. "Are you okay?"

The boy in question chewed nervously at the inside of his cheek, taking a breath. Fumbling with the cords of his earbuds, tugging at them as he looked away. Embarrassed.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay."

"We're always here for you, y'know kiddo..." Ken seemed just as bashful, adjusting the shoulder straps of his bag and sighing out his nose. "Even Asuka, alright? Really."

Shinji's face lit up into a sweetly sad smile, doubting himself more than anyone else but... feeling some sort of pride from being told that he was believed in. That it would be okay.

"Thanks," he whispered. "I'm sorry I've, you know, been such-"

"You're not a burden. Stop that. We believe in you, okay? Stop being so shitty to yourself..."

Shinji swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. Caught off guard by such kind, oddly put words.

"Okay," he finally choked, unable to look up at the other student. "Thank you..."

"Seriously." Kensuke snorted, pushing past the awkward compliments to cuff Shinji around the head, grabbing him into a hug that smothered the boy's face. "I know we don't say it, but remember, okay? Even Asuka. Even her, alright?"

"Alright," a muffled laugh.

"Good. Now keep practicing, I can't wait to hear you, okay?"

"Okay..."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

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It continued like this over the next couple days a few hours after school, up until the final presentation of their joint completed composition.

Shinji hadn't actually played the entire piece ye, for anyone besides himself and Kaworu.

However, it was impressive how much he'd improved. He hadn't fainted, or been unable to read his music in a shock of anxious energy. He'd actually gotten most of it done before he'd broken off after he'd failed to hit a note properly, then that number multiplied into ten notes, losing his cool exterior completely in a half choke, half sigh and dropping his bow from the strings of his cello. Losing confidence.

Looking back, it must have been because of Kensuke's out-of-character outburst of kind words that he believed he could do it. With practice, like suggested.

But there wasn't anymore time. And Kaworu had repeated the same heartwarming encouragements throughout the week, up until the minutes before their presentation.

"It's the perfect day to do this," Kaworu tried to ease the other's nerves. "Everyone believes in you, okay? You'll make it."

It shouldn't have been a big deal. Almost every other group had preformed already earlier in the week, starting and finishing their piece in under five minutes as an average time- the shortest being around forty five seconds, the longest cut off by Ms. Agaki at thirteen minutes. The people he cared about were standing in the back, waiting. Whispering to each other, worried. It shouldn't have been a big deal. It's not a big deal. I can do this. I can do it, it's not a big deal, I-

It shouldn't have been that hard for him. But it was.

"Shinji..?"

Sitting in his seat, he couldn't feel his legs. His vision went tunnel, blurred, he couldn't see. Panicking, Shinji laid his instrument on the floor along with his bow- and standing, he almost teetered as his balance seemingly completely left him; turning around so he wasn't facing the students who were watching boredly, waiting for the two to play.

"Is something wrong?" Kaworu stood as well from his seat at the piano bench, blinking as he began to realize the weight of the situation. "Shinji, are you okay?"

Just anxious, labored breathing in response.

"Everyone here believes in you," Kaworu continued quietly. Only for the other's ears. "You can do it. I'll be here."

"I ca-an’t, I can't do it-" he whispered. Trying to breathe, but all that he could inhale were hot and dry and caught in his throat. Facing the lockers at the back of the classroom, spacing out in imagining he was somewhere else. Anywhere else.

He vaguely heard Kaworu say something calmly to the teacher, his hand resting gently on Shinji's shoulder. He didn't flinch away, letting the boy guide him somewhere else, somewhere- couldn't process that his feet were moving. Staring at the floor, trying to control his breathing. Breathe. Breathe.

Hands on his shoulders, sitting him down into a chair. They were in the closed off instrument storage room. Shinji bent over, resting his forearms against his thighs and trying- trying to breathe, but it just got stuck in his throat, he couldn't- shaking, spreading his fingers, he could barely see his hands shaking through blurred vision, was he crying? He was crying, he felt the wet drops hit his palms-

Kaworu said something, but he couldn't hear. Couldn't figure out what he'd said.

Breathe.

"Shinji." Air carrying his name whispered over his cheek, Kaworu having bent down to stand on his knees, level with the boy in front of him. Wrapping his arms around the other's neck, pressing his lips to the other's hairline. Fingers laced and brushed the back of his head, comforting. Slow.

"Try to breathe. In, out..." He breathed slow as an example, hoping the other would copy him. "I'm here."

"Ka-woru-" A pathetically involuntary whimper, broken up by gasps for air as if he couldn't get any. "Oh god, I'm so weak I can't-"

"You are not weak."

Lips pressed into the nape of his neck, warm skin smooth against his own. An aura of comfort.

Shinji could hear the other's breathing, Kaworu's heartbeat against his own chest- attempting to match it with his own erratic inhales and exhales of air.

And on the other hand Kaworu attempted to keep his breathing as steady as possible, despite the panicked feeling rising in his stomach that he wouldn't be able to help.

It's not working, Kaworu worried, still able to feel the boy's shoulders continue to rise and fall rapidly to the pattern of breaths, despite his attempts to calm him. Shinji...

Kaworu pulled away slightly, enough to gaze under half lidded reds to Shinji's own which were blown wide in panic. He took a breath, slowly pressing three fingers to the other boy's mouth, hoping he would get the idea to close them; he did, Shinji lips closed and breathed heavily through his nose instead. Eyes still wide in uncontrolled alarm. The other hand on Shinji's neck, he pulled him closer.

Leaning in, Kaworu pressed his closed mouth to the ends of his own fingers against Shinji's lips. Then removed his hand in order to occupy the other's mouth more conveniently. Closing his eyes and breathing in deeply through his nose. Holding his breath for a few seconds, then exhaling-

The boy drowning in panic closed his eyes as well, trying to focus on the other's hands now both against the back of his neck, thumbs brushing back and forth against the shell of his ear. Lips against his own, keeping his mouth closed and his breathing remaining through his nose- slowing down. Trying to copy Kaworu's even breathing, in for a couple seconds and then out again- extending the time to more than four inhaling, holding his breath. Focusing on the other's presence. Exhaling, repeat...

Kaworu broke off the static kiss, more an attempt to help calm him that a kiss in any case- though it was undeniably laced with the love he felt for the other. Returning to his original hug against Shinji's neck, he whispered reassurances into the other's ear, continuing to brush his fingers down the other's skin.

It was only a minute or so after the panic attack had passed that Kaworu pulled away, but only to wipe the remains of salt off of the boy's cheeks. He watched as Shinji swallowed, audible but- he had stopped hyperventilating. Continuing to breathe through his nose, slower and controlled now. He felt the nausea ebb away, the lump in his throat disappearing thankfully- reaching out to grab where he assumed Kaworu's shoulders were and gripping the fabric tightly.

"Th-ank you," he whispered, his throat seemingly closed and unable to say anything else other than those two words. They meant enough though.

Silence for a minute as they continued to feel comfort from each other's presence, one sitting on the plastic chair and the other kneeling against the floor.

"Are you better now..?" Kaworu prompted, soft and soothing. He continued to trail his fingers over the other's skin, hoping it helped, assuming it did as Shinji leaned into his touch.

Shinji opened his eyes, slowly and unable to focus on the tiling of the floor at first. He nodded slowly, sniffing and taking another deep breath to ease the oncoming headache he would have.

"I can still play," his voice broke, but swore to himself it would be the first and last time, still staring at the floor. "I can do it."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Kaworu reassured him. Taking his time to dust the side of his finger up the curve of the other's jaw, making sure any salty reminisce of the boy's breakdown was gone.

"I want to," Shinji replied softly. "I can't let you down, right? And Asuka would kill me anyways if I don't..." Smiling. It was broken, but there.

Kaworu exhaled sharply, almost a laugh... Looking sharply down to the ground to hide his own smile, shaking his head slightly. Unable to reply.

"Okay," he finally breathed, kissing against the other's forehead one last time before standing up off the floor. "Let's go."

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"It really is a nice day..."

Shinji turned away to the side, profile to the grass, smiling under the protection of the shade cast down over his face.

"I'm glad you're here with me," Kaworu continued, sighing.

Keep talking to me. Everything he said just sounded so nice, the carefree endearment... Even though Shinji didn't reply, he didn't feel the awkward need to.

They'd played their song, and in turn Agaki had given them an impressively high grade. Both boys were pleasantly shocked. No one in the class had heard Shinji play such a long piece before, and were surprised- impressed- at what he was able to achieve with the accompanying partnership of the new musical student. They'd played the entire thing, start to finish, no mistakes and... he'd enjoyed it. Shinji had closed his eyes the entire time, as he didn't need to see the strings he used in order to play it properly; and consequently could imagine it was just he and Kaworu, somewhere else, somewhere quiet where the other students weren't around.

His friends had been there when he’d finished. The passing classes hearing the multiple pieces played, had been excused to listen to a couple- Asuka, Toji, Kensuke, Rei- they'd been able to hear him play. And when Shinji had opened his eyes upon finishing his and Kaworu's project, flushing red upon hearing clapping along with Kaworu's satisfied sigh, had been happy to recognize his friends in the back of the classroom clapping as well. Asuka being nudged into it, looking bored but- at least she was there. They were all there.

They cared about him.

Shinji had smiled, the happiest he'd ever been. He never would have thought playing for others would have pleased him so much. Feeling the gratification of his peers, the satisfaction of it finally being over and the idea that he'd been able to accomplish something so far out of his comfort zone with someone he loved dearly- it was a feeling he hadn't experienced before. The highest form of pride he'd ever been able to feel.

Rei had kissed him on the cheek, Asuka had pretended to be unimpressed but the disguise wore off quickly; they'd all laughed and jeered and playfully put off saying how genuinely proud they were...

So afterwards they'd all gone outside, as the day was short and block schedules had their last period be independent music. The fresh air breezy against their skin, and although with Kaworu's condition they shouldn't be outside for his sake, they compromised with looking up at the sky form underneath the shade of one of the trees in the courtyard. Exhausted. Satisfied.

The others had gone now, leaving the couple laying on their backs against cool grass.

"It's nicer than it usually is," Shinji finally muttered, at peace as glimmers of light shone through the leaves of the tree blocking rays of sun, but not enough for him to cover his eyes. Just right. He closed them anyways, sighing through his nose as his eyelids fluttered shut. "Yeah... Perfect."

"Isn't it?"

"Mm..."

Sometimes the best part of their relationship was the ability to be alone together. So they didn't need words, each others' presence fueling their happiness enough, enjoying the fresh breeze that seemed to sweep away all anxiety and tension that once gripped them.

They were okay.

Making up his mind suddenly, Shinji turned over on his stomach to prop himself up on his elbows. Looking over at the other's form, how wisps of his hair were picked up and gently put back down by the slight wind, an even slighter smile over the boy's expression.

"You know how I said 'I think I love you'?" he said softly, flushing lightly even though Kaworu wasn't looking at him.

"Mm?" Kaworu didn't open his eyes, but his grin became more prominent as he heard the other's words. "Yes?"

"I think I really, really do."

"I know." A sigh, content and pleased. He opened his eyes, warm red focused on Shinji's face. "Say it again for me?"

"I know I'm in love with you, Kaworu..."

"I love you, too." Blunt, and he raised a hand to the boy's face hovering above his, pulling Shinji down into a light kiss.

And Shinji wasn't worried about returning to a quiet, empty apartment anymore. It wouldn't be so hard, because now his life was full of something.

Smiles. Giggles. Carefree, devoid of any type of worry. There was only room for pleasantries.

---

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