Chapter Text
“Are you heartbroken? Have you cried?” Jiraiya’s voice felt distant to him.
He hadn’t spoken to anyone else until the last day of winter break when he’d strolled into Jiraiya’s apartment, expressionless.
The old man boiled him some tea, glancing from the kitchen at the teenager laid out on his couch, staring at the ceiling.
“Heartbreak changes a boy to a man.” Jiraiya continued whimsically, “there are men who spend their whole lives obsessing over their first heartbreak. We’re not raised to take that type of hit to our ego or our heart.”
After new years, he’d walked home and cried tears of frustration and anger. He’d eaten until he was about to vomit and then fell asleep like a toddler after throwing a tantrum. When he awoke, he felt cold and tired. The feeling had not left him yet.
“Do you want to speak? Am I meant to be asking you questions?” Jiraiya asked.
Naruto did not respond. He still hadn’t spoken to Sasuke, the person who’d become his habit and first resource. Something integral to him was now missing. He did not feel his heart break, he felt a part of his soul missing.
“Heartbreak is the price we pay for love, y’know.” The old man sat a hot cup of tea on the table in front of him. “Do you want me to tell you about my heartbreak?”
Blue eyes glanced up at him and Jiraiya sighed. Great. Now he had to tell the story.
“Well, I fell in love with a friend. We grew up together… But she never loved me back.” He hummed for a second, “maybe if she was a guy… It would’ve been easier. Women have all these expectations for men…” He sighed again, “well, I guess that wouldn’t have worked either. I love women. Man… You shoulda seen her…”
Naruto watched the old man ponder to himself, unsure if the smile on his face was romantic or perverted. Their eyes made contact and Jiraiya continued in a flustered tone.
“Anyway, she obviously didn’t feel the same way about me… I mean, I guess I was kinda annoying when we were younger… But what man isn’t?” Again, he sighed. “I thought once we got older things would change… But she fell in love with someone else. He actually ended up dying later on. She was so heart broken that she never gave anyone else a chance… So, I guess it’s not just men who can’t get over heartbreak.”
Quietly, Naruto said “so, I’m never gonna get over this…”
“Ugh, fuck, no! That’s not where I was going with this!” Jiraiya rubbed his eyes in frustration, “what I’m trying to say is… Hearts break. Just don’t let it break the rest of you too… Like I said earlier, heartbreak is the price you pay for this type of love… There are people out there who never even experience it. I mean… Honestly… As fucked up as it all was, I just can’t regret loving her. I don’t want to. But, it’s fine. I still succeeded. And now I’m here, helping you… Do you understand?”
“No.”
“That’s because you don’t want to!” Jiraiya snapped. “Every person thinks they’re the first person to experience this and they never are! What do you want me to say? You’re eighteen now, right? Go out and get drunk. Find a girl. Or a guy. Kiss. Fuck. Experience something.”
Naruto frowned. It felt wrong to touch anyone else and he was not in the mood for alcohol just yet. Truth be told, he was scared to drink. He had no idea what he would do under the influence at this point.
“Have you spoken to him again?”
Naruto didn’t respond.
“So, that’s a no.” Jiraiya continued. “Well, honestly, it’s better like that. You don’t go food shopping when you’re hungry and you don’t go back to an ex when you’re emotional.”
Sasuke is his ex?
Jiraiya rolled his eyes, shaking his head to himself.
Finally, Naruto said “I asked him if he loved me and he didn’t say anything.”
“He’s an Uchiha,” Jiraiya waved his hand in the air, as though Naruto said the most boring thing in the world. “They’re all like that.”
“Really?”
“Oh, sure. Didn’t I tell you this already? They’re just insufferable like that. Uchiha have to be quiet, honourable… I mean, they make everyone’s life harder, including themselves. It’s just their nature. His dad knew how to be a pain in the ass, let me tell you… May he rest in peace.”
Naruto sat up, still frowning. “Really?”
“How the hell haven’t you realised that already? Isn’t that obvious?”
Is it?
The old man continued, “actually, don’t take my word for it. I don’t wanna give you the wrong advice. Maybe he actually doesn’t care about you… What’s he actually like?”
Naruto’s frown deepened and he started talking slowly, “well… He’s quiet. He’s always in his own head… I don’t know. He’s smart. He always says stuff I don’t think of… He thinks about things differently. He sees the world differently… Sometimes, it’s bad and sometimes it’s good. He doesn’t let anyone tell him who he is. He doesn’t let anyone tell him what the world is… If he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t pretend…” His tone softened before he said “and he’s funny. But not in a loud way… He just says stuff off the top of his head. He’s witty. And he’s so good looking… But he doesn’t even care. He’s so much more than that.” By the time Naruto finished his voice was so quiet that he was unsure Jiraiya even heard.
When he looked up, brown eyes stared at him intensely.
“How long have you been obsessed with him?”
Naruto lay back down, staring at the ceiling again. He still hadn’t touched his tea. “Well… We grew up together. I guess, I always admired him. I thought he was cool. It just felt like we understood each other… He was like a brother to me.”
Jiraiya made a face, clearly holding back a scoff. “Brother, you say?”
“Brother. Rival. Best friend. Everything… He was everything to me. I mean, he still is. Like, I can’t go to certain people about certain things… But Sasuke, I can go to him for anything. Everything.”
“You know…” Jiraiya started, “you two are really codependent. Has anyone told you that you’re similar before?”
Naruto looked back at him again, eyes wide. “You think we’re similar?”
“You’re both stubborn. You just do what you want. You don’t let anyone boss you around. But he’s in his own head and you’re out here in the real world. You could’ve flourished by yourself, made a name for yourself by yourself. Found a girlfriend and became very popular. But instead, you chose to chase him. Following him around like a puppy… Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. That’s all you care about. You had so much potential and over everything, you chose him.”
“Are you trying to tell me I made a mistake?” Naruto felt something in his chest tighten, as though Jiraiya had betrayed him.
Jiraiya hesitated, “no… I’m just analysing the situation.”
“And what? You think I’m just obsessed with him because I’m stupid? You think loving him means I’ve wasted my potential?” His voice was louder now and he realised he was yelling but it was too late now.
He sat up, facing a stunned Jiraiya.
“You think my life would be better without him?! That he’s freed me from himself?! That’s what you think?!” Jiraiya was the first person he’d spoken to about this, because he was afraid that’s what people would tell him and it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. It wasn’t the truth.
Naruto continued, “he makes me better! He makes me want to be better! He makes me want to be smarter! He makes me want to keep up with him! He stops me from doing stupid stuff! He understands me! We understand each other!” Naruto closed his eyes, feeling them water. His fist was tightened and jaw clenched. “You don’t get it! He had potential too! He could’ve had anything he wanted. He could’ve had anyone he wanted. But he only ever wanted me. He’s an Uchiha! Who am I?! He’s handsome! He gets the best grades! Everyone put him on a pedestal but he only ever let me near him! He only trusted me!”
He wanted Jiraiya to say something. Anything. But he was silent.
Naruto felt the tears running down his face but wanted to believe Jiraiya couldn’t see them. He turned away from him, facing the window. “He makes me better but he’s just getting worse and the only thing I can do is let him go… It’s not fair. I want… I want him to not want to leave me. I want him to fight… I don’t want him to be so excited to leave. If he has to leave to get better, I want to be the one to push him away… Not for him to pull away from me… As if he’s been wanting to for so long. As if he’s been waiting to get away from me! I want him to love me more than he hates Konoha!”
“I see.” Jiraiya’s voice startled him back into the room. The old man gave him a moment, and then finally asked “so, you think he’s the only one being selfish?”
That semester, all he knew how to do was study. The only consistent thing in his daily life was to study.
When he wasn’t studying he was walking. He paced through snow and rain through the streets of Konoha until he was exhausted, and then he paced even more.
When walking wasn’t enough he started hiking, he ventured into Konoha’s nature until his breath was rigid. He walked up the steps to temples and shrines, sat on the steps of places of worship and searched for peace. What was peace, anyway?
Was there a generation before him that had even ever known that?
There were so many thoughts rattling in his brain and somehow, through it all, it went back to Sasuke.
On the days studying burned him out, he slept. When sleeping wasn’t enough he would hike back to the trails leading to Konoha’s mountains until he was sure he was alone and far enough to not be heard. On the railing of a view overlooking the place he fought to make home, he screamed.
The birds cawed.
The wind blew.
He shut his mouth.
He walked back home.
“I’m supposed to ask how you’re doing.” Shikamaru was the one to bite the bullet right before the first exam.
“Okay.”
“Damn,” Shikamaru muttered. “Now I really need to ask… Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
They sat side by side on a bench outside of the exam hall. No one else chose to be outside in this weather, yet Shikamaru had found the blond with his hands dug firmly in his jacket pockets, staring at the winter scenery.
“I haven’t seen you this focused in a long time. It’s good, but you’ve been distant. You frown a lot.” Shikamaru continued.
Frowning and staring ahead, Naruto said “I’ve been studying a lot.”
“Yeah, that’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not supposed to say anything about him, am I?” Shikamaru asked.
“Depends what you say.” Naruto’s voice was hoarse.
“I passed by him in the library earlier… I spoke to him.”
He felt Shikamaru eyeing him for a reaction, but received none.
“He looked pretty tired, to be honest. But, I guess we’re all tired… He wasn’t exactly talkative.”
Again, Naruto felt Shikamaru eyeing him.
Finally, the Nara said, “he asked about you.”
The frown on Naruto’s face broke. He didn’t know what expression he wore in that moment, but Shikamaru gave him the grace not to look.
“He asked if you were studying. I told him all you do right now is study… He looked happy to hear that.”
Naruto laughed sharply and surprisingly until his breath became a long exhale. Relief.
Shikamaru, initially taken aback by the laugh, relaxed. He put a comforting hand on his shoulder before standing up. “I’m gonna go check on Choji. The exam starts in an hour. Make sure you don’t fail.”
During each exam, Naruto’s eyes searched for Sasuke in the crowd. Finding him was the only thing stabilizing him. Grounding him. Sasuke was looking at the same questions as him. He was here.
At the end of each exam, he felt like a drowning child being pulled up for air, only to be held back down at the start of the next.
There were seven exams in total. The first six exams were spread out across the same week in January. You could pretty much forget about seeing anyone else outside of that period. The university specific entry exam was the seventh and it took place exactly one month from the sixth exam.
Each day brought him closer to the start of February, the start of the de-escalation process of high school. A gentle lull into relaxation before university put them back to work like dogs. He was not looking forward to it.
In fact, what was he looking forward to?
Naruto did not like to ask himself these types of questions these days.
If he was not studying, he was cooking.
Bathing.
Cleaning.
Well, in truth, he barely cleaned these days. Even Jiraiya’s apartment was a classy type of mess, Naruto’s was the mess of a teenager with no supervision: Empty ramen packets thrown around, noodle bowls, dirty laundry, trash bags piled up.
Regardless, it’s not like he had guests anyway.
It was on the day of the sixth exam, he returned to his apartment and collapsed into bed. He closed his eyes, feeling the weight of the world sink him into sleep.
How long did he sleep?
Good question.
He wouldn’t be able to tell you.
Not long.
He remembered his body waking him up by itself– summoning him.
The blond wrestled in his sheets for a second, before murmuring “what took you so long?”
“Why haven’t you cleaned your apartment?” Sasuke asked.
“What time is it?” His eyes were still closed.
“It smells.”
The blond groaned. “What time is it?”
“When are you going to clean your apartment?” He repeated.
Naruto’s eyes cracked open, watching the Uchiha pile a garbage bag onto a pile of other garbage bags. “I dunno…”
Sasuke did not look back at him. “It’s noon.”
One hour after the exam finished. Damn.
The blond sat up, rubbing his eyes open. His voice was still hoarse. “You couldn’t wait, could you?”
He watched Sasuke kick the piles of garbage into place and then slowly make his way to the kotatsu in front of him. It felt strange but familiar seeing the Uchiha in his apartment again.
Sasuke sat slowly, eyes still pointed to the mess in the kitchen. They were within arms reach of eachother again, but it still felt far.
Naruto felt a pit of anxiety in his stomach. “Are we really doing this now?”
“Yes.” Sasuke sounded defeated.
He sighed out an “okay.”
Amongst the silence between them, all he felt was the beating of his heart.
Serious conversations were always something they struggled with. It’s probably how they became so intune with each other– so as to avoid them. Did they really have to do this now? Wouldn’t it be better for Sasuke to crawl into bed with him?
When the Uchiha spoke, it was unusually slow, “I thought…”
He stopped, hesitating.
Naruto repeated, “You thought…?”
“Shut up.”
“Okay.” Naruto surrendered.
Sasuke sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t… I didn’t think this would happen between us.”
“Why?”
The Uchiha finally looked at him, annoyed, and before Naruto could stop himself, he smiled.
Sasuke’s eyes flickered back to the hallway. Frowning, he muttered “can you just shut up for one once?”
“Why? Why didn’t you think this would happen?”
“Did you think this would happen?”
“Which part?”
“Why are you so stupid?”
Naruto sat crouched in his bed, resting his arms on his knees. He slowly put his chin in his arms, quietly staring at the boy in front of him. “I don’t know… I just always knew I wanted you back. I don’t regret anything. I just wish you never left.”
Sitting in silence, they absorbed each other's energy, or what was left of it.
Finally, Naruto continued, “it doesn’t feel right when we’re apart. You feel it too–
“Enough.” Sasuke said, “enough.”
The blond's gaze lowered and the silence in the room felt very heavy all of a sudden.
Finally, the Uchiha spoke again. “I always imagined coming back to Konoha one day, and you being married… I imagined you with a wife and children… I thought this connection was something you would outgrow when you met other people… When you met women.”
“You misjudged.”
“I misjudged.” The Uchiha repeated, disappointed, almost.
“Because you’re stupid.” Naruto said, “Did you really think I didn’t think seriously about you? That I would just get a girlfriend and forget you?”
“What if I never told you I didn’t like women?”
“Why does it matter?”
“You would have gone on with your life and found a girlfriend. You would have moved on when I left. It wouldn’t be like this.” Sasuke said.
“I’m glad you told me! I’m glad we didn’t waste twenty years down the line wondering if this was always just a friendship! It wasn’t! We both knew deep down it wasn’t!”
“Don’t you want a family?”
“You are my family.”
“It’s not the same. You know that. Don’t you want a wife and children?”
“My wife would hate you!” Naruto exclaimed. “You said you imagined me with a wife, but what else did you imagine?! Because she would hate you! She would hate how much I love you and if she told me you weren’t allowed to come over anymore I wouldn’t allow it! Even twenty years down the line, no one would be more important to me than you and even if I never said it everyone would know it! I’d miss you every day and when I’d forget I miss you I’d see you and remember all over again!”
“Naruto.”
“I’ve thought about this a lot! I don’t just love you! I love who I am when I’m next to you! I know who I am when I’m beside you more than anyone else!”
“What if I can’t be beside you?”
“What does that mean?!”
“You know what that means.”
Naruto wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hands. He hadn’t even noticed them until they’d started dropping on his arms. This time when he spoke, his voice was softer. “Why do you hate Konoha so much? I mean, I know why. But, why do you hate it more than you love me?”
“This city ruined me. This city cursed my entire lineage.”
The blond rubbed his eyes aggressively. “But we can be happy here, together.”
“I can’t be happy here.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t be anything here, Naruto.”
“What does that mean?!”
Sasuke shook his head, eyes closed, fighting his own tears. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” This tone in Sasuke’s voice was new. Vulnerable. “I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if there’s anything inside me anymore. I feel empty. I don’t know what are memories or what are dreams anymore. Everywhere I go, I feel like I’m followed by my nine year old self. That he’s watching me.”
All Naruto wanted to do was reach out to him but he could not move.
“Sometimes I think I should have died that night too, or maybe I did.”
Naruto felt something in his chest break, “Sasuke, stop.”
“If I did die, the Uchiha lineage would be wiped out and it would be great for Konoha… We would become just another thing they rewrite their history about. I think I’m still alive out of spite.”
“I think I’m alive because you’re alive.” It was all Naruto knew how to say, between his sniffling.
“Do you?”
“When I met you, everything made sense. You were my first everything.” He tried to wipe his eyes again, but the tears would not stop. “You saved me… But I can’t save you. It’s not fair.”
“You already saved me.” It came out of Sasuke’s mouth so easily, as if he’d been ready to say it since they were children. “But… It’s bigger than you now.”
“Do you love me?”
“I do.”
“Say it.” Naruto said.
“I love you.”
The blond sniffed, sighed and then mumbled a bored “I know.”
There was a smirk tugging at Sasuke’s lips, and in a very quiet tone he said “even more than you love me.”