Chapter Text
Brian sat at the small table as the bus rolled down the road once again to their next stop looking down at the hot cup of tea Lauren had made for him, Nick sliding into the booth across from him.
"How you doing?" Nick asked.
Brian shrugged and took another sip of his tea. Nick had finally come around, apologizing for his behavior and asked Brian to spend some time with him, Brian eagerly agreeing to. He was happy to be back on good terms with his younger lover, but having those few nights with Howie had been amazing. Once James and Holden started asking questions,however, Howie knew it was time to get back on his own bus.
"Is your voice getting any better?" Nick asked, worry in his own.
"Kin…Kinda." Brian forced out. "Onl…Only getting every.."
"Here.." Nick said grabbing the notebook and pen, laying each down for Brian. Nick heard the sigh of annoyance slip out. He knew Brian hated communicating like this, it made him seem helpless and vulnerable.
Brian picked up the pen, beginning to write the rest of what he was trying to say. "It doesn't help that I only get every other day off to rest it."
Nick read the words and bit his bottom lip, guilt hammering his heart. It was his fault Brian had lost it in the first place.
"I'm so sorry." He apologized again.
Brian went back to writing, Nick waiting for him to finish. "I know you are, it'll come back. It always does."
Little feet were heard coming closer to them making them turn their heads seeing Odin and Saoirse running over, Lauren hot on their heels. She sighed seeing her son trying to climb up into his Uncle’s lap. Brian smiled and turned just enough to pick the boy up and settled him on his lap.
Lauren sighed, seeing the kids now in their Uncle and Father’s laps. “I’m sorry guys, they got away from me.”
“It’s okay baby.” Nick smiled.
Brian nodded in agreement, holding the blonde boy in his arms. Odin looked up at his Uncle and asked. “Uncle Brian come play with us?”
“Baby, I told you Uncle Brian is..” Lauren began but saw the older man lift his hand up.
“I..I’d lov..love to.” He smiled at the younger boy.
Nick watched his love interact with his son with soft eyes, he loved how much Brian took his role as Uncle so seriously, never once had he complained about spending time with any of the kids who happen to run his way seeking his attention or even affection and love. Odin and Saoirse wiggled out of their laps and ran back towards the front of the bus making the grown ups chuckle, Lauren leading the way, Nick and Brian following behind and soon found themselves on the floor playing happily with them.
Over the next few weeks, Brian’s voice slowly returned and at the beginning of August, he finally found some relief to rest it, having more than just one day to do so. They were back in Cali and having one last dinner as a whole before the wives headed back home with the kids, Baylee was ready to go home and see his girl. After the Concord show, Kris, Ro, and Lauren headed home with their kids while Leigh, the boys, Leighanne, and Baylee flew out the next day.
Howie looked around the new empty bus as the tour headed for Washington. They had a couple of days off before the show and he hoped he could get some time in with Brian. Since everyone had gone back home, things seemed to somewhat ease or at least now Howie could be with Brian without questions, but there was still an unresolved problem that needed to be addressed.
As if his mind was read, he jumped at the sudden ping of his phone. He picked it up and unlocked it, seeing a new box bubble on the side of the screen. He clicked it and realized Brian and Nick were also in the chat.
"Since we are going to be in Washington for a couple of days, can we talk?"
Howie watched and waited for Nick to respond before he did, he and the younger blonde had worked things out but the strain was still there due to Brian running between them. Finally Nick's reply popped and Howie began his own answer.
"We need to talk, I can't keep doing this."
"I agree with Nick, decisions need to be made Bri."
Howie waited and could tell Brian was struggling on what to say next, the small dots continued to appear then disappear until finally the message popped.
"I know they do…."
Howie wasn't sure how this would play out and that scared him. He wasn't in love with Brian like Nick was and honestly his attractions hadn't changed but those quiet moments together holding and comforting each other had come to mean so much to the man. It made him feel exactly what he had told Leigh. It made him feel like he was worth something and that someone actually saw him.
His phone pinged again, making him pull from his thoughts and put his attention back on his phone.
"I know we will all want to simply relax once we get to the hotel so..tomorrow?"
"Yes"
"Sounds good."
The box went silent and Howie sighed setting the device down. He was glad they were staying in a city for more than one day, he was ready to get off the bus and sleep in a real bed. The buses finally arrived at the hotel and they made their way inside, Howie happily making his way to his room and going inside. He laid his bag down in the chair and fell onto the bed sighing softly and looking up at the ceiling. It felt good to be on something softer than the bunk but his mind was racing and his stomach was in knots. He got lost in his thoughts over what had happened those last two years during the pandemic, how he and Brian somehow managed to keep what they were doing from James and Holden, how it became so much more than a simple one time cuddle. Then that night, that night he had gotten Brian off. Howie felt himself shift slightly remembering how Brian had felt in his hand, the moans coming from the other man, then the aftermath, the way he was so worried Howie would leave.
Howie wasn't sure when he had fallen asleep but when he came to the sun was peeking through the heavy curtains. He reached over and grabbed his phone sitting up and rubbing his face. He groaned seeing the missed texts and calls. He must have been really tired to have slept through all that. He quickly opened the messenger app, going to the group box the five had together sending a quick message.
"Sorry guys, I drifted off and didn't hear my phone."
A reply from AJ came through. "You're good D, I came down to check on you and realized you were sound asleep so I let you be."
Howie smiled seeing the response and was grateful to have been checked on and for being left alone. He needed that sleep, he felt much better and recharged. He saw Kevin's small pic appear with the three dots blinking.
"We were about to go down to the lobby for breakfast. Meet you there?"
The growl from his stomach gave Howie his answer. "Yeah, see you there."
He sat his phone down and stood up, grabbing a change of clothes and headed into the bathroom. A few minutes later a much perkier and happy Howie joined Kevin and AJ.
"Hey!" Kevin smiled as Howie sat down next to AJ with his food. "You must have really needed that early night."
“Yeah, I really did.” Howie nodded looking around. “Where’s…”
AJ chuckled. “Where you think? I’m sure they were up late.”
Howie’s face turned red as he ducked his head looking back at his food. Kevin shook his head taking another bite of his food and sighed seeing his friend so down, almost as if he was lost.
“AJ and I are going out sightseeing after breakfast, would you like to join us?” Kevin asked.
Howie shook his head. “No, I’m supposed to talk Brian and Nick about…things.”
“ Good, we can see how much it's hurting all three of you. I wanted to thank you by the way for doing that for him despite how Nick reacted.”
Howie blushed softly. “I was just helping a friend.”
“You sure it hasn’t become mor…ow!” AJ jumped feeling Kevin kick his shin.
“No, but I will miss it if he decides to walk away, it made me feel wanted, like someone actually sees me."
Kevin and AJ looked at each other, the younger now feeling like a complete heel for giving Howie a hard time over the situation.
"I could not have asked for a better best friend to be on this journey with." AJ spoke honestly.
Kevin nodded in agreement. "And I absolutely refuse to have a bromance with anyone else."
Heat spread through Howie's body and his heart exploded with love from the words his bandmates had just spoken. He looked at them with tears in his eyes. "Thanks guys, I guess I get too much inside my head. It's hard to be the one who gets sleeps on."
"We've always said Brian is the heart of this group, you are the soul." AJ proclaimed.
Howie's face was bright red but his smile was wide and his eyes were full of love for each of them. Kevin and AJ got up and hugged their brother close.
"We love you."
"I love you guys too."
The three pulled away and Howie wiped his tears taking a deep breath. "You guys have fun."
Kevin nodded. "If you need an ear after things are said and done you know where we are."
Howie smiled and nodded. The men cleaned up their messes and went their separate ways, Howie heading back to his room to wait for the blondes to join the rest of the real world.
A few hours later, Howie was sitting uncomfortably on the couch of his suite looking at the other two men in the chairs across from him. They had finally emerged from their room and wanted to get this over with. The heaviness and tension could be felt between them and none of them knew what to say.
Finally Brian spoke, looking at Nick. “Nick, I know this hurt you but that was never the intent. I honestly don’t know how I went as long as I did without any kind of male contact until I finally broke.”
The younger blonde nodded softly. “And I’m sorry I blew up like I did.”
“I know you are.” Brian nodded looking over at the other man who was looking at his feet. “Howie, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you did. I know I really pushed you out of your comfort zone.”
“I could see how miserable you were, I just wanted to help you.” Howie mumbled softly.
“And you did, so much and I know I’ve made this run hard on all three of us and even now my mind is conflicted on what to do, you both have become even more important to me then before.”
Brian looked over at Nick, knowing he wasn’t going to be willing to share Brian with someone else, he already had to share the older man with Leighanne. Howie watched quietly and already could see Brian had made up his mind, that in the end, it would always be Nick, it had always been Nick.
“I know I can’t keep running, it’s not fair to either of you.” Brian looked over at the man who had become so much to him and took a deep breath. “Howie, I want to keep what we have.”
The older man’s head whipped up eyes wide. “Wha…What?”
“Yeah, what?” Nick repeated, anger in his voice.
Brian braced himself and turned to look at the man he had called his lover for so long. “I know last night makes this look so wrong, but I’ve realized over these last two years I’m pulling away from what we do. I’m needing more of the comfort Howie has given me. “
“So what? Last night was your last little fill before you decided to drop me?!” Nick growled, the anger and hurt filling his dark blue eyes.
Howie shifted again, guilt hitting him, knowing he was the reason for this. “Bri…”
Brian looked over at the uncomfortable man sitting on the couch. He could see how guilty Howie was feeling and sighed. “Is there a way we could compromis…”
“Fuck no!” Nick practically yelled. “I already have to share you! Make your choice Brian!”
Taking a breath, Brian answered. “Neither.”
Howie’s head shot up and Nick’s tears fell. “FUCK YOU!”
With that, Nick turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the door making the other two men flinch. Brian lowered his head and sobbed, his heart ripping to shreds. He soon felt a pair of arms he knew well wrap around him and fell into Howie’s embrace.
“Wha….what did I do?” Brian cried, gripping onto Howie’s shirt.
“You made a decision to try and spare both of us heartache.” Howie answered honestly.
Brian curled up against the other man, Howie holding him tightly and at some point had fallen asleep in said man's arms.
The rest of the leg was stressful for the three men, Brian closing himself off when they were off stage. It had shaken the entire group to its core, it was something Kevin and AJ never thought they would ever see. After their talk, Howie had shown up at Kevin’s door, tears streaming from his face. The older man let him into his room and held the broken man through the night. Once it was over, Brian made a beeline for the airport so he could go home and hide.
Leighanne sighed as she watched her love from the backdoor. He was sitting on the edge of the pool with his foot in the water. She hated seeing him like this, he hadn’t been in this position since he found out about his vocal issues. She turned her head seeing her son walking up beside her, wrapping her arm around him.
“I haven't seen him this low since his diagnosis.” Baylee said softly.
“I know.” Leighanne nodded.
She hugged her boy before letting him go and walking to the pool sitting down beside her distraught love. She felt him lean against her, her arm going around him holding her love close.
“Baby..” She whispered.
“Please don’t.” He replied, his voice flat.
She nuzzled into his curls, giving him a soft kiss on the head. “I hate seeing you like this, I understand why you did it but you haven’t been this low since you found out about your voice.”
The younger man closed his eyes trying to hold back the tears, half of him was missing. “I just..I thought I did what was best. I didn’t want to hurt either of them and I ended up doing exactly that.” They sat there for the longest time, Leighanne rubbing his arm lovingly. As the sun started to set, the couple got up and headed inside to start dinner.
Brian tried to enjoy the rest of his break but his mind wouldn't let him and soon he found himself on a plane heading for Portugal to begin the European leg of the tour, lost in thought. Who knew finding comfort in another's arms would cost him so much.