Chapter Text

Chapter 08

The next morning Neil wakes up to sunshine on his face and a heavy arm draped over his stomach. With a yawned smile, he turns his head and gets rewarded with a full face of Andrew’s  hair. He appears to still be asleep, laying on his stomach, molding against Neil’s side, face hidden in Neil’s neck and breath ghosting over his skin.

Neil recalls last night. Andrew has been determined to make up for their fight – even without him saying anything Neil knows that that’s what it was about – and took him straight to bed after dinner. Andrew is still shirtless and Neil can’t help but trace over his partners prominent back muscles. There are hard knots between his shoulderblades, but Andrew hates massages so there’s no way to get them out, which bothers Neil. Maybe he could get him to join him for a bath later, that always helps Andrew relax.

“Didn’t you get enough last night?”, grumbles Andrew, tightening his grip around Neil’s waist.

With a pleasant shiver Neil remembers Andrew pressing him into the mattress, rubbing against him and making a show out of bringing him over the edge.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Yeah,” yawns Andrew, lifting his head, probably to glare at Neil. It doesn’t really work, his sleep-filled eyes and messy hair doesn’t intimidate Neil in the slightest.

“Sorry.”

“Liar.”

Followed by another yawn, Andrew shifts to push himself up into a seated position, leaving Neil staring at his arms and the muscles moving underneath pale skin.

“Weirdo, stop staring.”

“Can’t help it,” grins Neil,” Drew? Do you want to take a bath with me?”

Andrew seems to consider for a bit, staring at Neil while his eyebrows tug together before he slowly nods.

“Brush your teeth before.”

“Will do.” Neil hops out of bed, suddenly energized with the thought of sharing a tub with Andrew. Andrew on the other hand is much slower, sitting in bed a bit longer before stretching thoroughly like a cat and slowly getting up after Neil brushed his teeth, prepared two towels and started letting water in the tub.

Once Andrew enters the bathroom, Neil is already undressed and about to get in the steaming water but Andrew stops him with a clearing of his throat. Neil stops. He glances over towards the door before straightening his back and grinning at Andrew shamelessly, naked body on full display for his boyfriend to look at.

So Andrew does. If Neil wouldn’t have wanted it, he wouldn’t have reacted like that.

“Tell me when you’re done.”

Neil’s morning voice sends something close to a shiver down Andrew’s back. He rolls his eyes and pushes past him to brush his teeth. Neil takes that as the invite it is to sit in the tub and stare holes into Andrew’s back until he’s finally done and undressing to join.

They spend a good thirty minutes in the bathtub, talking and making out – especially making out – before getting out. Neil prepares breakfast, they watch the morning news before Andrew announces that he can’t stand all that filth. He goes to work vacuuming the entire house while Neil stays in the background, unpacking his drawing utensils to get to work. It’s not a bad day, not at all, but for some reason Neil wants to draw. So he does.

- - -

After seven days in privacy Neil remarks that he hasn’t seen the other Foxes in a rather long time. Andrew only grunts a nod but says nothing to it – two hours later Nicky has booked a flight to Columbia and all the others plan how to get there within the next three days.

On the early morning of day nine, Neil has a nightmare. Luckily Andrew is already awake – Neil’s twisting and turning woke him up fifteen minutes ago – so they’re not both freaking out when Neil jumps out of bed and tumbles to the floor.

He’s breathing fast, scrambling to press into the corner of the wall as soon as his back makes contact with the ground, legs pulled inwards, arms over his head.

Andrew hasn’t seen him this terrified for a long, long time so for a moment he’s not sure how to react. Neil, gasping for air, stares right through Andrew, eyes wide and filled with terror.

“Neil,” Andrew starts, making his boyfriend startle,” Neil, it was a dream, you’re okay. You’re safe, youre in Columbia, you’re safe.”

“Who-“, he starts with a stuttering breath and reaks both hands – trembling life leaves the wind – through his hair. “Who am I?”

Fuck.

“You’re Neil. You’re Neil Abram Josten, you play for Chicago, you have two cats with ridiculous names and you have me, Neil. You know who I am, right?”

For a moment it’s silent, the room filling with Neil’s breath and Andrew’s tumbling thoughts.

“....drew...”

God, Andrew never thought he would feel this attached to another person in his life. But here he is, getting a heartattack just because Neil, in his panicked trance, says his name.

“Yeah, almost.” He manages a snort. Neil relaxes a bit, his eyes clearing and his breath slowing a bit.

“Do you want to come back up?”

After a second of consideration, Neil slowly shakes his head.

“It’s...too soft...”

Nodding understandingly, Andrew asks,” do you want me to go?”

Sometimes it gets too much, for either of them, to be in the same room as another human being, no matter who it actually is. Neil sometimes has this aversion to soft things. Once he explained it feels like drowning, like losing control. Often enough it reminds him of his home, the bed his childhood-self had, much too soft and fluffy for Neil to not feel like he’s absolutely defenseless.

“No....I don’t wanna be alone ...”

“Okay. Do you want me to stay on the bed?”

With a silent shake of his head, Neil opens his arms. In quiet understanding, Andrew slides off the bed, moving slowly like getting closer to a scared animal, before finally kneeling infront of Neil, sitting down and letting his boyfriend crawl into his lap.

They spend an hour on the ground. By the time Neil is ready to stand up, Andrew’s legs fell asleep to the point where standing up is a challenge, but he manages. Neil grabs his hand as soon as Andrew is stable on his feet and together they descend the stairs, Neil turning into Andrew’s shadow the entire way into the kitchen, where he hops onto the counter and watches Andrew prepare two bowls of oatmeal.

In the afternoon they settle down on the couch, Neil’s head in Andrew’s lap and tv running in the distance. Andrew’s hand is combing through Neil’s hair, ticking soft sighs and content grunts out of him. To his surprise, Neil starts talking after some time.

“I wasn’t Neil....I was...him...his son...you were there too but you didn’t recognize me...”

“You’re more than his son, Neil,” Andrew mumbles, leaning down until his words meet Neil’s temple and hair. “You’re different, you’re not him, you never will be him, because you’re Neil and Neil would rather die – literally – than become even the slightest bit like that son of a bitch.”

With another grunt Neil rolls onto his back, facing Andrew, who pulls away a bit to better look at the man in his lap.

“You only say that because you’re my boyfriend. You have to say that, it’s your obligation.”

“No.” Andrew rolls his eyes. “I thought so when we still were nothing. You never let your trauma define you, Neil. You were the one who told me about the twenty-two personalities and God knows how many countries. You did everything to not be like him and it never not worked.”

“I have his face-“

Andrew interrupts him. “And half of his genes, that doesn’t matter. Genes never mattered. Tilda was a fucking lunatic –“

“You were a bit crazy too...”

Andrew snorts. “Yeah, but not because of Tilda. Our parents don’t define shit, they don’t mean shit at the end of the day. They’re just two people who raised you and either did a good job or failed miserably. It’s not our fault our parents fucked up, that doesn’t make us like them.”

Silence fills the room while Neil thinks, staring at Andrew. Then, he smiles softly.

“You’re very passionate about this,” he then notices, swiping over Andrew’s freckled cheekbone with a finger.

“Because you’re stupid, it takes more to get through to you.”

“Yeah, probably. I’m glad you take such good care of me, Drew. Without you, I –“

“Stop.”

Neil stops. His lips close but he smiles up at Andrew, who’s suddenly filled with an urge so strong, it makes him frown.

“Without you, I am not anything,” he whispers. He can’t say nothing, because their thing in the past changed that word’s meaning completely. Neil, grinning like an idiot, cups Andrew’s cheek in his hand and hums.

“With you I’m everything.”

- - -

Nicky arrives in the evening, around 8 pm with a knock at the door. Neil only reluctantly pulls away from Andrew to let him get up and open the door. When he does, Nicky grins back, looking tired and a bit unkept after a day of traveling. His right hand is wrapped around the handle of a suitcase while his left one holds a bouquet of little orange flowers.

“Andrew!”, he greets excited, pushing past his cousin and into the hallway.

“Nicky.”

“Where´s my sunshine? I got him – Oh, Neil! There you are!”

Andrew turns to see Neil pressed against the doorway into the living room, blanket around his shoulders and skin pale. He startles a bit at Nicky´s energy and takes a small step back when Andrew´s cousin comes closer. But over the years Nicky learned, so he stops in his tracks and quiets his voice.

“Hey Neil,” he smiles softly,” I got you some flowers.”

Like a timid cat Neil comes closer until he can take the flowers from Nicky´s stretched-out hand and manages a smile, cheeks rosy.

“Thanks, Nicky. They´re nice.”

“Don´t mention it, babes. Everything for my favourite brother-in-law.”

With a roll of his eyes, Andrew walks past the two of them to turn off the tv in the livingroom. From the hallway he hears Neil and Nicky talk – it´s mostly Nicky – and relaxes a bit. Maybe a bit of distraction is just what Neil needed to feel more like himself again.

Andrew is left to prepare dinner alone – Nicky wrapped up Neil in a conversation about his life in Stuttgart – but he doesn’t mind. It’s more enjoyable when nobody is bothering him with questions or small-talk. He likes cooking, almost as much as baking and since Neil is a horrible cook, he took over the role of the one to feed the two of them regularly.

At some point Nicky and Neil join him in the kitchen, chatting and starting to set the table for three. Andrew and Neil move around each other like a perfectly set machine and when Neil, after reaching around Andrew to grab three bowls for salad, presses a quick kiss to his cheek, Nicky almost melts.

“You two are the cutest!”, he squeals, promptly being ignored by Andrew and Neil, who just roll their eyes at each other before carrying on with their tasks.

At one point during dinner Nicky announces that he wants to do a family dinner tomorrow evening when all the other foxes have arrives. Andrew says nothing but Neil looks both confused and intrigued.

“Will you come?”, Neil asks that night when laying next to Andrew. Nicky is down the hall in his own room but there’s no tension in Andrew’s shoulders. His limbs feel heavy, his mind sluggish – something he usually hates but now somehow welcomes – and the hand Neil is holding, playing with his fingers, has lost all attachment to Andrew’s body. He still doesn’t pull away, instead turns his head towards Neil and rolls his eyes.

“Why should I?”

Neil grins. He’s doing better, it seems, his eyes less clouded, his muscles lose and his touch light and soft. Neil is back.

“Because I’ll be there?”

“You just assume I don’t need a break from your idiocy?”

With a soft laugh, Neil ghosts a kiss on Andrew’s knuckles.

“Think of something, then, and let me know, mh?”

“Everything?”

“Everything,” Neil agrees without thinking. He seems to trust Andrew enough to know what this everything entails.

- - -

Neil is so wrapped up in Exy talk with Kevin that he doesn’t notice Matt and Dan arriving. Nicky opened the door and Andrew is somewhere away from all the people, maybe smoking on the porch, but that’s alright. Neil didn’t expect him to stick around during the hours of catching up. Andrew hates small-talk and conversations without a point. Catching up is not his thing.

“Neil, buddy!”

Matt looks like always, only happier- if that’s even possible. The smile on his face is huge, his dimples could probably collect rain water and his eyes shine like the summer sun. Kevin mutters something under his breath that Neil pays no attention to, probably about being interrupted during their conversation about the only thing that matters to Kevin.

Never would Neil admit it, but besides Andrew, Matt is number two on giving hugs. They’re bone-crushing and tight and make even Neil feel like something. So he keeps his arms wrapped around Matt a second longer and ravels in the feel.

“How’ve you been? How’s your wrist? Where’s –“

“Matt, one thing at a time,” laughs Dan, patting his arm,” It’s good to see you, Neil.”

“You too. I’m good, I’m fine. Wrist is healing, slowly, but it’s getting better.”

By the time Andrew comes back from wherever he went, all of the Foxes are in the livingroom, chatting and laughing. Allison and Renee are sitting on the ground, Nicky next to Renee, while Dan and Matt share an armchair and Kevin, Aaron and Neil took the couch. There’s a bit of space next to Neil, not enough for Andrew if he doesn’t want their legs to be entirely pressed together, but Neil chooses to worry about that when Andrew decides to join them.

“Andrew!”, Nicky shouts, throwing his arms in the air. Renee smiles softly and Neil sees from the corner of his eyes that Aaron shares an almost invisible nod with his brother.

Then, a brush against Neil’s shoulder. He looks up and smiles when Andrew, standing behind him, is already looking.

“Want to join us?”

Andrew shrugs lightly and Neil starts shuffling around to give Andrew more space to sit down. But Andrew doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, once he sits down, he moves his knee to press against Neil’s, showing him that it’s okay. Neil relaxes.

In the evening they have their family dinner. It’s a barbeque on the porch. Dan and Kevin carried the dining table outside, together with chairs for everybody. Matt and Nicky take care of the food, Aaron and Allison go to buy booze and Neil helps Renee prepare some vegetables in the kitchen.

It is there that she starts talking in her soft, calm voice.

“How are you, Neil?”

“Hm? I’m good.”

“Good, that’s good. And how is Andrew doing?”

Neil frowns in confusion and looks up from cutting mushrooms. It’s not like Renee to ask Neil about Andrew, the two of them are close enough for that.

“Why don´t you ask him?”

“He won’t answer,” smiles Renee unbothered,” and I’m curious.”

“Uh...he’s....alright, I think. There’re good days and bad days. My injury was hard for him too and I was unfair to him, but he never once complained.”

“I’m glad to hear. You two are good for each other, I think.“

That makes Neil think. Are they good for each other? Both he and Andrew have distructive thoughts and habits, bad and worse days and boundaries, so many rules and boundaries. But maybe the point is that they understand that about each other. Neil has always understood Andrew’s boundaries, never even thought about pushing them, not Intentionally.

Neil doesn’t know what to say, so he just nods silently and goes back to slicing mushrooms. Renee doesn’t mind though, she just smiles and picks up the knife again.

For the rest of the evening Neil is a bit out of it. The others don’t really seem to mind but Andrew does, obviously. He never doesn’t notice whenever something is on Neil’s mind.

He doesn’t ask, though, probably sensing that Neil hasn’t entirely digested whatever he’s thinking about just yet.

Dinner is uneventful and somehow even a little fun. At some point Andrew is pulled in a conversation about a movie Neil doesn’t know. In five minutes he’s said more than during his senior year in college. It’s nice, Neil enjoys hearing Andrew’s voice. He’ll probably never grow tired of it. He entirely zones out, tunnel vision with Andrew as the target, so Allison kicks his shin under the table to get his attention.

“What?”

“You’re staring at your boyfriend,” she snorts,” there’s actually a little drool on your chin.”

“Asshole,” snorts Neil. Allison shrugs with a grin.

“Wow,” Nicky chimes in,” you didn’t even jump Alli for calling Andrew your boyfriend.”

Called by his name, Andrew turns to look over at Nicky, face dark but hand under the table searching for Neil’s.

“Why should I?”, asks Neil innocently,” mh, babe?” He turns to Andrew, deciding that messing with the others will bring him nothing but joy right now. Andrew squeezes his hand lightly, understanding immediately.

“No idea, love.”

It shouldn’t mean anything but Neil feels his stomach flutter when Andrew calls him that. Huh, interesting.

“Why should he, Nicholas?”

Nicky doesn’t even squirm in his seat, eyes too large by their nicknames.

“You guys – that....you’re fucking with...right? Right, Neil?”

“Oh why, pray tell, do you think we’re fucking with you?” Andrew is as much of a menace as Neil, he decides, not overlooking the amused glimmer in Andrew’s hazel eyes.

“Come on, nicknames? Like you two actually care about that crap, like you two even like each other like that.”

“Bold of you to assume,” mutters Neil, kind of meaning it. He’d sometimes call Andrew babe but that happens so rarely that whenever it does slip, it surprises not only Andrew.

“I don’t know what you mean, Neil is the love of my life,” deadpans Andrew, expression cold and emotionless. All eyes are on him now, Neil forces himself to stay calm but is pretty sure he’s seconds away from literally breaking Andrew’s hand with as much as he’s squeezing it.

It’s Aaron who finally breaks the silence.

“Kevin, hand me the salad.”

“No please?”, Nicky gasps, watching Kevin react immediately,” not even a thank you? Who raised you?”

“You did.”

With a wail, Nicky fills a glass with whiskey. “Oh God, I have failed you both!”

- - -

By the time Neil and Andrew leave the table, the rest – minus Renee – is already past tipsy and only wave them good night. They don’t bother commenting their intertwined hands and Neil is glad because he’s too content and full to mop up any blood.

Andrew leads the way upstairs, still holding onto Neil’s hand, and pushes the door closed behind them.

With a smile, Neil flops down into the bed, spreading his arms like wings.

“That was fun. Did you have a good time?”

“It was-“starts Andrew while coming closer,” alright, I guess.”

“Want to sleep?”

With a shake of his head, Andrew plugs a curl from Neil’s brow and lets it fall to the rest of the curly mess spread on the pillow like a halo.

“Not yet.”

“Okay, want to talk?”

With a hum, Andrew lays down to rest next to Neil, curling up like a cat.

“I miss the cats, you think they´re alright?”, Neil asks, turning his head to look at Andrew.

“As long as there aren´t two new pillows on our couch, I think we´ll be fine.”

“You´re so morbid,” snorts Neil, not even trying to hide the grin on his face. With a roll of his eyes, Andrew leans closer, waiting for a nod before pressing a chaste, quick kiss onto Neil´s lips.

“You never minded before.”

“I don´t mind.”

“Good, because I won´t change.”

“I wouldn´t ask you to.”

Andrew rolls his eyes so far back; Neil is sure he can see his own brain. He grins.

“I like that aspect about you too much. Even if I wouldn´t, you don´t have to change shit for me.”

For a moment Andrew considers Neil´s words, goes through them before slowly nodding in agreement.

“I know.”

“Good. We´ll be fine, right?”

“Yes, Neil,” sighs Andrew softly, stroking his hair back to leave another kiss on Neil´s forehead. “We´ll be fine.”

And Neil knows that it´s the truth.