Work Text:
Dear world,
His Name Was Keith Kogane.
He was 18 Years old.
And he had Eyes full of stars.
I had known him since we were children but we had grown apart in sixth grade. I was awkward, nerdy, musical obsessed.
Keith was Cool. I called him Emo. He was the 'loner' kid according to my friends. He hung around the 'bad' kids.
I realize know they weren't 'bad' like everyones parents said. They were struggling. With Mental and Physical Health. Drifting away from friends because of fear. They found each other, helped each other cope.
The 'bad' kids were the reason Keith had made it to 18 years old.
I'm entirnely grateful for that.
I hated Keith. I hated him so much. He had left me. And that made me angry. We had made a pact. Up in my treehouse in 3rd grade not to leave each other and he went and did just that. I couldn't dare look into those lavender eyes full of universes and stars alike. Not only because of the anger I felt. There was something else there too. Something that didn't make me angry but made my face flush at the sight of him.
I wouldn't admit I was in love. I was to blind sided by rage and abandonment.
I wouldn't admit I had loved him since that moment in the treehouse where we sat hand in hand promising it was us against the world. No matter how much Keith 'hated' my jokes and I 'hated' the music Keith blasted.
I didn't talk to Keith again till 9th grade. He became close friends with one of my childhood best friends. Pidge Gunderson. Apparently Keith was close friends with their older brother and in turn they had become close when Matt went to college.
Keith began sitting at our lunch table.
I thought it was the end of the world. I thought my Rival was trying to steal my friends.
It was actually my crush trying to reconnect.
The real end of the world would come three years later.
I didn't like it at all at first when Keith started hanging out with my friend group.
But like any love story true love would always save the day. After all even a small spark can cause a forest fire.
I remember I kept telling Pidge If I were to be friends with Keith he needed to apologize. Pidge kept getting annoyed. I remember back then I was so wrapped up in myself I didn't notice Keith's obvious attempts to explain.
Pidge snapped at me after I complained a little to much. That's when I learned Keith had social anxiety and depression. His issues didn't explain what he did. It wasn't an excuse it wasn't at all. But now Keith's nervousness started making more sense. When Lance tried to get him to talk. All of it made more sense. According to Pidge Keith was in really deep when he stopped talking to Lance. Which Pidge specified several times that was still not a good reason for Keith to do what he did. Pidge didn't want to tell me because I'd think Keith was using his issues as an excuse but it really just helped me understand more.
I didn't push Keith more socially as I used to do.
It changed everything. It was the turning point in our relationship. The point where I realized I was in love with him.
I just needed to shut up a bit. Then I learned a lot about Keith.
How he would only drink black coffee.
How he was obsessed with the book Dune.
How he loved to draw. And was an amazing artist.
How he drew on his wrists when he was nervous or anxious. Small little stars in black pens.
Keith apologized about it two weeks later from when I stopped pressuring him. We actually talked more often when I stopped. He came to me. And when he apologized face flushed and knees bouncing nervously. In the most adorable way. Thats when I knew.
I was in love.
That's when Internal Homophobia kicked in.
I didn't know what it was at the time. But I knew the butterflies in my chest I had felt several times throughout my life couldn't be like this with Keith.
I didn't grow up with a lot of LGBTQIA representation. I barley even knew gay people existed. Well I knew they existed but I knew my parents didn't approve of these kind of things.
Family is a huge thing for me. After Keith apologized we hugged awkwardly and from then on when we had finally clicked we were so awkward. I just couldn't understand why I felt this way about Keith. I only told one of my friends this. I couldn't talk to Hunk. He had just gotten together with Shay. He was straight (or so I thought). I just couldn't talk to him about my problems. I went to Pidge. Pidge is a non-binary aro ace. They would know most about this. But that also meant admitting to Pidge that he liked Keith. i was still to afriad about my feelings so I turned to Pidge. That's when I learned another one of Keith's secrets.
Keith was gay. He was also transgender.
Learning that only made things worse. Now I knew I might actually have a shot.
Pidge helped a lot. They suggested I might be Bisexual. Which meant liking boys and girls but I wasn't to sure.
So what if I couldn't stop looking at the stars in Keith's eyes or his soft smile. His quiet laughs and dorky tendencies.
I was in love and needed to act on it fast. It was Sophmore year when I came to terms with my Bisexuality. My sister Veronica came out to my parents as a lesbian. They accepted her. Only a little reluctantly. I didn't come out. But I needed to do something with Keith. Starring and getting lost in his beautiful eyes was becoming a problem.
Only I was to late.
Keith seemed really happy when I saw him that morning. February 14th. I really wanted it to be romantic. I bought a box of chocolates and made sure they were Keith's favorites.
Keith wasn't excited about the holiday though.
Keith wasn't excited about seeing Me.
He was excited about telling Lance the news.
Not that Keith got the chance to tell Me.
I meet Keith at his locker every morning. We talk before walking to Chemistry. Except there was someone else at his locker this morning.
Takashi Shirogane. Captain of the football team, varsity team, he was the quarter back. One of the popular kids. Was leaning against Keith's locker. They were so close. And I had never seen Keith have so much physical contact with a person before. And then they kissed.
I don't think My heart has ever hurt that much before.
I skipped my first three classes to cry in the bathroom and find Pidge and Hunk. I started drifting away from Keith at that point. I still couldn't take my eyes off the boy with stars in his eyes but now things were different.
He had a boyfriend. Keith had a boyfriend who he hung out with all the time. It came to the point Where Shiro ended up just sitting at our lunch table a lot of the time. Shiro was nice and all but I couldn't stand him being with Keith.
They were together for a year and a half. A year and a half of practical torture as I watched my crush finally be happy but I was miserable. But after they broke up I wished they had got back together.
They got in a big fight and broke up at the beginning of Senior year. Keith walked up to Me in my french class and dragged me out for no reason. I was so confused. Then he burst into tears and it was like watching the stars and spark fall out of his eyes.
Keith lost all confidence and self worth after the break up. He started drifting like I felt we were doing when Keith and Shiro first got together. Just like back in sixth grade all over again. I tried to give Keith space. I tried pressuring him. He just got a lot worse. Everything was so much worse.
He killed himself six months later. I don't think I've ever cried that hard before.
But Keith did it for a reason. I know he had a reason. He wasn't meant for this world. So he left.
If your reading this, this is my coming out.
This is my chance to finally be brave.
My name is Lance McClain.
I am 27 years old.
I'm bisexual.
And I will always love Keith Kogane.
The Boy with stars in his eyes who was to much for this world.
If your reading this, this is your sign. Go out there. Change something. Admit to your crush you like them.
Take your chance well you still can.
I would do anything to take my chance and tell The boy with stars in his eyes that I love him. But I'm to late. And now I can never tell him I love him.
But worst of all. I will never be able to love anyone else, ever again.
Dear World, As you read these words know one little thing you can do could forever change the course of history. And you never know what is going to happen unless you take that chance.
so do it.
do it well you still can.
Be who you are. And Change the world.
Sincerly,
Lance McClain