Chapter Text
Buffy POV
I'm lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how my life has completely fallen apart.
Only a few weeks ago, I thought I was on the verge of an incredible future. One filled with love and potential, but now… now nothing makes sense.
After fully recovering from almost killing myself, Faith and I agreed to spend some time apart. Well, it was all her idea, but I went along with it. It's frustrating to wonder what might be different if I had tried harder to spend time with her. Maybe she thought that because I agreed with her plan, I didn't really want to be with her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I needed to go back to California and deal with the house anyway, and we had to find out what happened with Angel. So Willow and I have been in LA investigating. We haven't had a whole lot of luck so far. Nobody seems to have any idea what happened.
We're also setting up a base for slayers who will stay stationed here. With Angel gone, the slayers will need to cover LA.
Faith and I talked every few days, and I thought things were going pretty well. I've been trying to give her all the space she needs to figure things out. I know she's worried that I can't handle our relationship. I'm worried too, but I know how much I want to be with her. She must not trust that, or maybe she doesn't really want to be with me.
A few days ago, she called to tell me that she thought I should stay in LA. That it couldn't work between us. She wouldn't explain why. She made some veiled comments about Willow - which I completely didn't understand. I tried to call her back, but she hasn't taken my calls.
I don't have any allies in Cleveland. Dawn and Xander went back home. I can't even bring myself to tell Dawn. She was so happy for us, and I know she will blame me for this relationship not working.
The only other person I know is Kennedy, and she wouldn't answer my calls either. Not that I'd expect her to. Faith has even shut down the connection between us. I could feel her even from this distance, but it's gone now.
I haven't even had a chance to talk to Willow about this. She's too busy visiting some mystical plane, and I don't even have a way to get in contact with her or have any idea when she'll be back.
It's driving me crazy. I thought we were building something, and I was looking forward to a future with her. We even managed to go out on a few dates before I left for LA.
Maybe she didn't enjoy them as much as I did.
More likely - she just came to her senses. She deserves so much better than me. I just wish she said it outright instead of me having to guess.
I have no idea what to do now. I want to go back to Cleveland and try to talk to her. I don't want to give up on us. I won't force myself into her life, but I at least want to know what happened. After everything we've been through together, I think I at least deserve some kind of conversation.
I look over at the clock. It's only 4 am. I have a meeting scheduled for 9 to see possible locations for the new facility for the slayers. I hope Willow is back by then, but I have no idea if she will be. I decide laying here is pointless. I'm just driving myself insane, and there's nothing I can do about anything.
Of course, I don't have anywhere to go or anything to do. I don't know anyone in LA. I don't know anyone anywhere.
Groaning, I flop back into the bed, burying myself in pillows. Two hours later, and no less frustrated, I finally drag myself out of bed to get ready for the day.
As I stare in the mirror, a new idea occurs to me. Maybe Faith changed her mind because of this hideous scar that is impossible to cover up. No matter what I try, even magical ointments - the angry evidence from my fight with Connor will not be silenced.
I can't believe she would be that superficial, but it is pretty hard to ignore.
It's fitting to be as broken on the outside as I've felt on the inside. Now there's no where to hide.
This thinking isn't getting me anywhere. Even without Faith in my life, I still know that I want to live. She reminded me of who I am, and I'm not going to give up on myself. Even if Faith has.
All I can do now is keep going. I'll help Willow get the new slayer compound setup, and then I'll start applying for school. The council probably won't pay for it, but I can just take out loans or whatever it is that regular people do.
Resolved in my plan to restart my life - I open the door to the hotel to head downstairs for breakfast. I am shocked to find a very hungover Faith slumped against my door.
I try to wake her up, but she only growls at me and pushes me away. Maybe she's more drunk than hungover. I yank her into the room and throw her into the shower. She doesn't seem too thrilled with my plan, but she is awake now.
"What the fuck?"
"I could ask you the same question." I'm glad she's here, but until I find out why, I'm not sure how nice I feel like being.
She finally realizes where she is and who she's with, "shit. I'm so sorry."
"What are you sorry about? Showing up at my doorstep completely trashed or everything said to me the other day? How about shutting your connection off to me without any kind of explanation?"
She holds her head and groans a little. I throw a towel at her and leave her alone in the bathroom. I'm tempted to just leave. She's too out of it to make any sense, and I'm clearly too angry to listen.
I'm standing at the door, still trying to decide when she emerges from the bathroom. "I'm sorry about all of it. I… I let Kennedy get in my head. I didn't mean any of it. Should never have listened to her."
"What does Kennedy have to do with anything?"
Faith sighed and leaned against the wall. "Ever since you left, she's been trying to convince me how awful you are. That you were just using me."
I decide I don't care what else she has to say. If she let something Kennedy said convince her that I'm not worth her time, then she's not who I thought she was. She gets to me before I can leave, keeping the door shut.
"I didn't believe her. I knew she was wrong."
I back away, "if that's true, how did she get in your head?"
She grunted in frustration and closed her eyes. "She told me you slept with Willow."
"What?! And you believed that?" I try to get past her again, completely furious that she could doubt me after everything we've been through. This is even more ridiculous than I could have imagined, and I want nothing more to do with whatever she has to say. She won't let me get by, and I don't want to fight her, so I just step back.
"Not at first… but then she showed me some texts. Willow broke up with her. Did you know that?"
"No, I didn't." Willow has seemed pretty off lately, but I haven't been able to get her to talk about anything. We've made a little progress trying to rebuild our friendship, but apparently not enough if she didn't even mention breaking up.
"I guess she's planning on staying down here, so Kennedy convinced me it was to be with you." Faith looks so sad and desperate. I hate that she's hurting, but I don't know how to fix this.
"I don't know what you expect me to say. You've always known Kennedy hates me. I don't know how you could believe anything she said about me."
"It's complicated, and I want to explain it all." She looks sincere, and I desperately hope whatever she says can get us back to where we were.
"So explain." My teeth are clenched, and I don't even know why I'm giving her this chance.
"I will, just… my head is pounding, and yeah, that's entirely my fault, but I want to be clear when we talk."
I look at the time, "I have a meeting to go to anyway." The meeting isn't for a few more hours, but I need to get out of here.
"Ok, so we'll talk later? You'll give me a chance to explain?"
I don't know if I want to give her a chance. Everything she's said so far makes me wonder if this is worth it. I know some of my anger is just because I'm exhausted.
I've barely slept since she told me to stay in LA. I know I should give her a chance. After everything she's done for me, I should at least hear her out.
She moves closer to me, forcing me to look into her eyes, "I get that you're pissed, and maybe you don't think I deserve a chance to explain - but I'm risking a lot just being here. I want to have the talk we should have had months, if not years ago." She brushes her thumb over my lips, and I try not to gasp at how good it feels. "I want to be with you. I want us to work. Please."
There's no way I can resist that or her. So I nod, and she breathes a massive sigh of relief. She turns to leave. "Wait. Just crash here. It's probably not safe for you to wander around… plus, you are kinda all wet still."
She looks down at her wet clothes and smiles a little, "you're sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I should be back around noon." There is nothing I want to do less than go to this meeting right now.
It's almost three by the time I finally get back to the hotel. I am in an even worse mood than I was this morning. Willow never showed, and the realtor brought me to two places that weren't even close to what we need before finally taking me to something halfway decent. She wanted to take me somewhere else before I lost it on her and told her we'd try another day.
I tried calling Faith a few times to let her know I'd be late, but she didn't answer her cell or the room phone. I thought about calling the front desk to check on her, but I didn't want to risk anyone recognizing her and calling the police.
The fact that two uniformed officers are in the lobby does not improve things for me. I try to be casual as I hurry to the elevator and my room. Faith is not there when I arrive, and I want to scream.
There's nothing I can even do, no one I can call. I know there's that cop friend of Angel's, but I have no idea what their deal was, and just mentioning Faith could make things so much worse.
I sit down on the couch and bury my head in my hands, trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I just want to rewind time, back to when my life seemed like it had some kind of hope.
Just as I'm about to break down and try calling Kennedy - the door opens.
"Are you out of your mind? What were you doing out there?"
She has two bags of what I am seriously hoping is insane amounts of food, and she almost drops them as I chastise her. "Sorry... Got hungry." She sets the bags on the table and hands me a carton of something that smells amazing.
I sigh and start to eat. I no longer have the energy to be upset at her for leaving the room. I'm too relieved that she's here and has food. "I know you have things you want to talk about, and I definitely want to talk about them... just... It's been a long day."
"What were you doing?"
"Checking out places to try and set up a new slayer HQ."
"Why not just use Angel's old place? That hotel?"
"Angel had a hotel?"
"Oh... yeah... I figured Red would've known about it. She picked me up there after Wes busted me out of jail."
I grunt and put my food down. My level of irritation is making me want to explode. "If I ever see her again, I'll be sure to ask."
"You haven't seen her?"
"Not in a few days. She had to do something mystical to find out why Angel lost his soul."
"Oh... so you've been here all alone?" She drops her eyes and looks away.
"Yes."
"I didn't know." She sounds sad, and I have no idea why she's pretending to care that I've been alone.
"How could you know? You've been too busy ignoring my phone calls." I hate that I'm falling back into bitchy old habits with her.
"What? I never did that."
I roll my eyes, "I guess your number just changed then."
"No, seriously, I would never do that." She pulls out her phone and scrolls through it. "Fuck. I am going to kill her." She shows me how my number is blocked on her phone. "Kennedy kept telling me that if you couldn't be bothered to call me - that just proved she was right about everything with Willow."
It makes me feel a little better to know Faith wasn't really ignoring me, but it doesn't change anything.
"Look, I know you aren't ready to talk. I know you're tired and miserable..."
"Is there a point in there somewhere?"
She gets up from the couch and looks out the window. "I just... I don't want things to go back to how they were."
"If that's the only reason you're here, you should just go."
"What?"
"Or I'll go, so you can wait until it's safe to sneak out of here." I stand from the couch, but she grabs my arm.
"B! Please. I thought you were going to give me a chance?"
"A chance to do what exactly? Tell me how broken I am? Tell me how awful and unfair I've been to you? Because I already know all those things. I already know I don't deserve you, and you wasted all this time sticking by my side when you had no reason to. If you let whatever Kennedy said make you doubt how I felt about you, then you know it too." I rip my arm out of her grip and stalk away.
I almost reached the door when she caught me and wrapped me in her arms. She holds me close and practically drags me to the bed. I'm too tired to resist. She effortlessly pulls me onto the bed and holds me until I can't fight how tired I am anymore.
I'm still wrapped in her arms, and for a moment, I forget how messed up everything is. It feels so good to be held by her. It feels like this is how I should always wake up. I press my body tighter to hers. Unable to resist, I find myself kissing her collar bone and running my hand over the skin of her stomach. She seems to be awake. Her breath hitches, and she moans.
The sound of her moan reminds me that things are not how they should be, and I roll away from her and sit up at the edge of the bed.
"Sorry." I rub the sleepiness from my face and stand up, "going to take a shower. You can tell me whatever you have to tell me after that."
I don't look at her as I grab some clothes and cross into the bathroom. I stand in the shower, letting the warm spray revive me. I'm completely lost in my thoughts until I feel her enter the shower behind me.
"I don't think what I have to say is so bad." Her hands are on my waist, and I am trying desperately not to give in to her. "I missed you so much." The hunger in her eyes makes me doubt my previous theory about my scar grossing her out.
She leans in, and I can't help myself. I melt into her kiss for several glorious moments before I get control of myself and pull back. "I missed you too. But we should talk."
She nods and leaves me alone in the bathroom. I quickly finish up and dry myself off. I join her on the couch, and we work on the leftover Chinese food.
"The whole time we've known each other… it's been sort of a power struggle."
"I can see that." I don't know where she's going with this, but I figure the faster she gets through this, the better.
"Pretty much my entire life, I've felt worthless. Then I became the slayer and thought it was finally my time. But then I met you, and I realized I was still garbage. Still couldn't do anything right."
"Faith..." I try to say something comforting, but she cuts me off.
"I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault that my life was the way it was, and not your fault that I fucked everything up."
"But..."
"Just let me get this all out."
I nod and wait for her to continue.
"Then we did this amazing thing. We saved the world. And I know it wasn't really me. I was there, but it was you that did it. You that united all those girls and gave them their power."
She sighed and pushed her food away.
"I stuck by you all that time, and I had no idea why. It was probably what you accused me of. I wanted to be near you, hoping it would make me better. And when you were so miserable and mean - I felt like I deserved it. But part of me thought I was helping you, letting me take on your pain."
She took a deep breath, "then we got closer. And it's been so amazing, but it scared me - thinking it wasn't real. Or some kind of pity thing you were doing. I didn't want to believe you would ever do that. I don't believe you would say you loved me if you didn't."
"I do love you." I carefully reached for her, wiping away her tears.
"I know - I love you too. Always have." She smiled and placed her hand over mine on her cheek.
"So, what went wrong?"
Faith sighed, "after you moved out - Kennedy started talking me up. She kept telling me what a great leader I was. Telling me how great I was at teaching the newbies. It felt good to feel like I was good for something. After the first week, she started ragging on you hard. I kept telling her to shut up, but she wouldn't stop, and then some of what she said started to get to me."
I pull my hand away and wait for what she will say next.
"She said I'd always be the second slayer if we were together. If you came up to the school - you'd want to take over, and I'd be pushed to the side again. It was stupid, and I tried really hard to not let it bother me. But then those texts… she told me Willow confessed to being in love with you."
I gasped at this news.
"So then I figured it would make sense for you to stay here with her. You'd be better off with Willow. You two have been friends forever, and she's not a fugitive like me. She'd be able to give you a life that I never could."
I gently raise her chin so I can look into her eyes. I want to tell her how wrong Kennedy is, but she shakes her head and starts talking before I can.
"She said you were trying to find a way to let me down easily. That you two were already..."
"I'm so sorry she told you all that. None of it is true at all." As mad as I am about this whole situation - I don't want Faith to be hurting.
"I know, B." She says, but her voice is shaky, and I wonder if she believes me.
"I have no idea why Willow broke up with Kennedy." Then I force her to look at me. "I have no idea if she has feelings for me, but it doesn't matter. I don't feel that way about her. You are the one that I want. Even if…. Even if you don't want me anymore."
Faith starts to say something, but there's an aggressive knock at the door before she can. We both panic, and I tell her to hide in the closet.
"Just a second," I say, hoping I don't sound like I'm freaking out. "Willow?"
Willow storms into the room and drops the load of books she was carrying on the bed.
"Um… what…" I start to say, but she starts talking a mile a minute.
"Why is Faith in the closet?" She finally stops her stream of words when Faith peeks out.
"We thought you were the police," I say in annoyance.
Her face contorts in confusion, and then she looks guilty. "Oh… I never told you?" She smacks herself on the forehead. "Of course, I didn't. So forgetful lately."
Then she goes back to talking about whatever she was before, and I try to stop her or at least slow down.
"Will!" I shake her shoulders and try to get her to look at me. "What did you forget to tell me?"
It takes her a second to remember, and then she grins. "I cleared everything up with the police ages ago."
I look at Faith, and she seems completely stunned, but she doesn't say anything. Willow is babbling about something, and I just want her to shut up.
"Will!" I shout, and she finally stops talking. "What do you mean you cleared it up? When did you do that?"
She scrunches her face and pouts a little. "I don't remember."
I take a closer look at her and see how exhausted she looks. I sit down next to her and grab her hands. "What is going on? Did you really break up with Kennedy?"
She pulls away from me and crosses her arms over her stomach protectively. "I had to. It wasn't right."
I look at Faith, who is just staring at the floor. "What wasn't right?" I almost don't want her to answer. If she says what I think she's going to, I don't think I'll ever get Faith back.
"I can't love her like she needs me to. My heart belongs to someone else, and it just wasn't right to stay with her. I couldn't keep pretending like it was her I was thinking about."
That gets me to jump off of the couch and back away. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. When I look up at Faith, she's staring at me, and I don't like how sad she looks. I promised I'd never hurt her again. Even if this isn't something I have any control over - it's still my fault she's hurting.
"Will - I'm sorry, but I could never feel that way about you."
Will tilts her head at me in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
"Ken told me - you don't gotta lie." Faith says, and her voice sounds so defeated. I want to run to her, but I don't think I can stand it if she pushes me away.
"Huh?" Willow asks and looks at us both. "Are you guys both on drugs? I know I've been a little out of it lately - but you're not making any sense right now."
"Kennedy told Faith that you broke up with her to be with me," I say plainly and watch Willow closely.
Her burst of laughter was not what I was expecting at all.
"Really not seeing the funny here." I've got my hands on my hips, and I'm getting seriously annoyed.
Willow stands up and walks over to me. "Buffy - I love you, I really do. But not like that."
"Oh." I'm super confused now and more hurt than I expected to be.
"She showed me texts. She told me you two…." Faith can't even finish that thought. "Don't fucking lie to me."
"Woah!" Willow turns around and holds her hands up defensively. "I have no idea why she did any of that. The person I'm in love with is not Buffy. Plus…" Willow risks taking a step closer to Faith. "I know she loves you more than anything."
Faith finally seems to relax as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. It takes me a moment to realize what she's doing.
I can feel her again!
Her energy and warmth rush over me, and I move toward her, pushing Willow out of the way. "I love you, Faith. Only you."
I wrap my arms around her and rest my forehead against hers. We're letting our slayer energy surround us, and it's the most incredible feeling ever. "I'm so sorry, B. I never should have doubted you."
I kinda want Willow to leave now. It's been way too long since I've been able to touch Faith, and I really want to do that now. Reluctantly, I back away from Faith and lead her to the couch. When we sit down, Willow is just sort of staring into space with tears in her eyes.
"Did you find anything about Angel?" I ask gently, thinking maybe a subject change is what we need here.
"Angel?" She rubs her temples.
"Wasn't that where you were? Off on some mystical plane looking for information?"
"Oh. Right…" She looks crazy guilty, and I'm starting to get really worried. Faith tenses up next to me, but I do my best to send comforting energy her way.
"I was maybe a tiny bit less than honest about what I've been doing." I wait for her to continue. "Tara." Her voice is barely a whisper. I can't imagine why she's bringing Tara up now. Is she saying she can't love Kennedy because she still loves Tara?
"Tara would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want you to be alone."
Willow shakes her head. "About six months ago… I started getting this weird feeling. Like I was supposed to be doing something, and I couldn't figure out what it was."
I look at Faith, and she just shrugs.
"Then I realized that the feeling was Tara. She was everywhere - calling to me, telling me to find her." Willow is again staring off into space with a goofy grin.
"Please don't tell me…." I start, but Willow shakes her head.
She looks at me with tears in her eyes. "I had to know. I had to be sure of where she was."
"Did you find her?" I say after a few minutes. I don't think my brain will let me process what she's saying.
Willow grins and nods. "I did. She wants to come home."
The words are barely out of her mouth before Faith flies across the room and shoves Willow up against the wall.
"You cannot be fucking serious." Faith has Willow pinned to the wall with one arm, and the other is balled into a fist.
"Faith." I start, but I don't know what to say. I move closer and put my hand on her shoulder. "Let her go."
"Not until she tells me she's not saying what I think she is."
"She wants to come home," Willow argues weakly, and Faith growls.
"I get why you coulda believed that B was in some hell dimension, but there is no fucking chance that Tara isn't in some heavenly place." Faith isn't wrong, but I'm unsure how she knows anything about Tara. As far as I'm aware, they never even met.
"You don't understand - I owe this to her. After what I did..." Willow is crying and blubbering. Whatever she's saying isn't making any sense.
It takes some effort, but I finally pull Faith away and grab hold of Willow myself. I guide her to the couch and wrap my arms around her, and she almost instantly falls asleep. This is not what I was expecting. I just wanted to calm her down, but now I'm trapped under her.
Faith is standing over us and glowering. "You can't seriously be thinking this is a good idea."
"Of course not," I whisper back. "What are we going to do?"
Faith runs her fingers through her hair, then sits in the chair on the other side of the room. "I have no fucking clue."
"You have to do something about Kennedy."
Faith looks at me, and I can tell she's making a decision. "I should go back and talk to her."
"Yeah, Ok."
"Maybe Giles can help with Willow?" Faith says, and I cringe.
Could this day possibly get any worse?
"Maybe," I say, trying not to let my frustration show. It seemed like maybe Faith and I were going to get back together, but I don't see how that can happen now. There's no way I can leave Willow alone for even a minute.
"Where is her stuff?"
"In her room," I answer, trying not to sound annoyed. Faith gets up and starts rooting around in the closet, pulling my suitcase down. "What are you doing?"
"Packing your stuff?" She looks just as confused as I feel. "You do want to come back with me - don't you?"
"I..."
"If we need to do something drastic - we'll need Willow anyway."
"Oh right." Now it makes sense. She wants Willow to come back to Cleveland - not me. This is so ridiculous. I hate feeling this pathetic and needy.
I carefully move Willow off me and take the suitcase from Faith without saying anything.
"B?"
"Yeah?" It only took a few minutes to pack my suitcase, and I've just been standing in the middle of the room staring off into space. Tears are silently streaming down my face, and I'm trying to make sure Faith doesn't see them.
"Um, are you ready to go?"
"Sure." I head for the door, "if you carry her - we can stop by her room on the way out." I hope no one wonders why we're carrying an unconscious woman out of the hotel.
"Wait." She shuts the door and makes me put the suitcase down. "Before anything else happens - are we... are we still together?"
I can't really tell what she wants the answer to be. But why would she even ask if she wanted it to be no?
"I want us to be. If there's any way, you can forgive me for being such an asshole. I want to try again." The words come out in a rush, and I can't look at her while waiting for her reply.
She smiles and moves closer. "We still need to work some things out."
Oh, right - I forgot about the part where I'm a broken mess and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.
Her hands are on my face, forcing me to meet her eyes. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You are not a broken mess."
That's obviously not true since I didn't realize I said that part out loud.
"Faith," I say in exasperation, but she's kissing me before I can say anything else.
"I came down here with this grand plan. I'd explain how we both needed to figure out how to take care of ourselves before we should be in a relationship together. But here's the thing..."
I'm not quite sure what the thing is, but I hope it means she will kiss me again.
"I can't stand being apart from you. I can't stand not allowing myself to love you." Then she smiles and kisses me again. "I was trying to find excuses as to why this wouldn't work because I was terrified to actually get something I wanted."
I don't know what to make of that last bit, so I wait for her to continue.
"My whole life, B... all the things I thought I wanted were bad for me." She cups my cheek with her right hand and places her left on my hip. "Especially when it came to love. I always wanted love from the wrong people. People who just wanted to use me."
I frown for so many reasons. I hate everything about Faith's life. I hate that no one ever treated her right.
And I hate how afraid I am that I might be one of those people.
"When things started going right with you - I panicked. I didn't think I deserved to be happy. I never should have told you I needed space. I'm so sorry, B."
I can't believe what I'm hearing. It's exactly what I was hoping she would say, making me wonder if I might be dreaming. Though I never imagined Willow passed out on the couch while we had this conversation.
"I know things are complicated between us, but I also know that loving you is worth fighting for." Her grip tightens on my hip, and I can tell she wants to pull me closer. "What do you say, B? Are you willing to fight for me?"
I was not expecting her question to be so literal.