Chapter Text
A few minutes? It’s twelve now. Pyrite, it’s been nearly seven hours since I last talked to you. Quartz’s words are like a slap in the face, taking your breath away. You can feel Quartz’s concern now, worried for you. Worried about what this means.
What? But…. It really only felt like a few minutes. You answer back, unable to stop the flood of emotions that washes over you. Disbelief, concern, fear. You shudder.
“Is the human back now? I told you it would return. You shouldn’t worry about it.” Rust’s voice filters into your mind. You’re almost thankful for the way he sounds annoyed. It helps soothe your fear— as strange as that is.
“ You didn’t feel what it was like.” Quartz shudders, hand darting up to press against his sternum harshly.
Rust looks down at him, strangely quiet. His face hides poorly concealed nervousness, eyes darting between Quartz’s hand and his eyes. You think that when Rust recognizes his brother, he’s less guarded unconsciously.
What are you talking about? You ask Quartz, forcing yourself to focus more. Quartz shifts, dropping his hand and looking up at his brother.
Do you remember anything? After breakfast with Blue? Quartz asks, ignoring your question entirely. You choose not to comment on it.
No? Not after you started helping Blue with the dishes. You answer, thinking about what you had seen. Trying to remember anything after that brings up nothing but blank space. It feels out of place. Wrong.
Quartz gives a soft hum, shifting a little in place. His hand rises to rest on his chin, thinking quietly. Oh, that’s strange too. You can feel the way Quartz delves into his thoughts— can feel the process through which he thinks. Is that how he always knows when you’re spiraling? Weird.
Pyrite, you’re doing it again. Quartz’s voice pulls you from your thoughts, jolting you into awareness again. Oh, that’s strange. You hadn’t even been aware of it, but now that he’s pointed it out, you can see it now. When you focus on what’s happening inside it feels like you’re being…. Sucked… in…
Oh no.
Quartz, we need to look at our souls. Your voice is urgent, shock and realization coursing through you.
“ What?” Quartz jolts, so shocked by your change in tone that he lets it slip out of his mouth.
“What’s happening? What did it say, brother?” Rust suddenly jumps in, and you suddenly realize that Rust had been there the entire time. How had you forgotten? Quartz looks back at his brother (when did he look away?) and you can feel the way a frown overtakes his face.
“ The human wants to see our souls.” Quartz answers, voice just a little lost. You jump in to explain.
When I focus on what’s happening inside, it feels like I’m being sucked in. You barely even have to get the words out before Quartz is wincing, realization washing over him as well.
Quartz says nothing as he turns around, heading inside. Rust follows behind, obviously confused but saying nothing in protest. It’s like a funeral march up to your shared room. How much damage have you caused? You won’t know until you see it. The thought has dread building up your spine with each step Quartz takes.
Finally, your group arrives at your room. The room looks nearly identical to how you remember it last night. Though it does look somewhat cleaner, like Quartz had swept and mopped the floor. The bed is made too. Rust files into the room behind his brother, making sure to lock it after the door is securely shut.
As Quartz walks further into the room, you feel a tug on your entire being. Like someone trying to pull you through a tight space. You jolt, the sudden feeling of terror gripping you. The last time you had been brought out like this, you thought you had been dying. It felt like you were dying.
But if you switch now, who knows how long it will be before Quartz comes back. You don’t have a choice. You power through it, sucking in a tight breath.
Much like before, you’re suddenly being squeezed from all directions. Like you're crawling through a tight spot in a cave. Claustrophobic is the best way to describe it. Then, with an audible “pop!” you find everything going dark once again. You’re floating– you’re dying . Quickly, panic takes a hold of you, the sensation of wrong overcoming each of your senses. You were never supposed to experience life like this . This isn’t life. You’re dying. You’re dying .
“Why does the human panic like that when you bring its soul out?” It’s Rust’s voice that pulls you out of your fear. His voice is of mild curiosity— like he doesn’t actually care what the answer is but feels like he needs to ask anyway. Either way, it’s comforting to hear someone who’s not acting like they’re seeing someone die in front of them.
You’ve been through this before. You can do this again.
“ It feels like they are dying when their soul is out like this. ” Quartz explains. There’s a moment where you think he might speak again— can feel the intent rising in him— but he doesn’t. The words are left in his throat.
Rust hums quietly. You can feel him staring down at you and there’s something small inside you that recognizes the feeling of being prey . Easy EXP points for Rust to claim. But he wouldn’t. Not with him so close.
Speaking of close— how merged are your souls? You don’t speak the words and yet Quartz answers anyways.
“ Definitely much more than before…. It doesn’t look good.” Is Quartz’s grim reply. Rust hums in reply and this time you feel him actually look at both of your souls– not like he had before. This time it feels like Rust is looking at you differently than prey. It doesn’t help the fear any.
“I agree.” Rust pauses, thinking for a moment before speaking again. “It hasn’t been that long and yet you’re already at this stage. Is this normal?”
Quartz is quiet for a moment, regarding your combined souls. You can feel his eyes on you— feel the way he twists in discomfort at the sight of your conjoined souls. You don’t like being this exposed.
“ I don’t know how normal this is. This is the first time I’ve stayed in control for this long. Usually when we switch, our souls don’t combine this much.” Quartz speaks, voice quiet and pondering. You hear Rust hum in response.
The room goes quiet for a moment. You can feel dread leaking over to you from Quartz. That’s when you realize. If you’re this far gone, you’ll have to pull yourselves apart again.
“Do you have any ideas on how to fix this?” Rust asks after a few moments. You feel Quartz’s heart drop into his stomach, which is strange considering you’re not in the body right now and he doesn’t even have either organ.
“ We’ve…. Managed to pull our souls nearly apart—” Rust makes a confused noise but before Rust can say anything, Quartz jumps back in. “ If we separated completely both of us would have died. My soul would have fallen apart and who knows what would have happened to their soul.” Quartz huffs. You’re struck with distant panic— like he was recalling actually trying to separate the two of you. Distantly, you realize that he must have tried that when you were passed out. You’re more worried about being out in the open like this than to be hurt about Quartz not even asking if he could try. You’re too worried about being out in the open like this– defenseless to everything– to fully care.
Can you put our souls away now? This isn’t exactly the best feeling in the world. You chime in, growing tired of not being able to see. Of not being able to defend yourself if something were to happen. Quartz hums a soft apology only loud enough for you to hear and then you feel yourself gliding back towards the body. Like earlier, you’re squeezed from all directions— though this time it’s not nearly as bad. More like you're moving through a tight space rather than an opening barely big enough to fit you. Then with a “snap!” you find yourself staring once more at the screen. Instant relief washes over you as you finally no longer feel like you’ll fall apart at the seams. You're tucked safely back inside Quartz’s body, watching Quartz from behind his eyes.
Rust stands where he had been earlier, arms crossed and expression grim. Your room is still how you left it, cleaner than you would have left it, but yours nonetheless. You're safe. You’re not dead. You’re alive.
“How do you know that, brother?” Rust asks and then you see the realization flash across his face.
“You’ve tried to pull it out of your soul, haven’t you. That’s why you came back from the forest looking like you’d nearly died.” Rust concludes and then snorts once, quickly covering his mouth as he speaks with barely surprised humor.
“I can’t believe you said you fell out of a tree.” Rust suppresses laughter— which is a strange sight by itself but then he doubles over , fully laughing now. You hear Quartz chuckle as well, laughing along with his brother. You fluster in embarrassment, soul fluttering in place (which definitely feels strange given you're just a soul right now.).
I panicked! You jump to defend yourself, though you can’t help the string of humor that seeps through your voice. It doesn’t help that Quartz’s emotions bleed into yours, heightening what you're feeling.
“ It wasn’t me that said it, Pyrite did.” Quartz supplies, chuckling at your expense. As Quartz says your name, that seems to sober Rust up. He takes a deep breath and then lets his face fall serious once more. Quartz reels himself in as well, mood falling a bit.
“Yes— well— whatever you did, we’ll need to do it again. Assuming that you’ll be able to again.” Rust says as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like this is just a walk in the park. Like it's normal for you to be in so much pain– like it’s normal for Rust to see Quartz in so much pain.
You can feel the way your thoughts and Quartz’s thoughts converge at the way Rust says “we”, including himself in this. Neither of you want Rust— your brother — to see you like that. In so much pain . Looking so weak. You’re not entirely sure who speaks the words, you or Quartz, but either way you find the words bursting from the mouth.
“ No. ” It’s short and sweet, but gets the message across all the same. Rust’s face twists in confusion, eyebones shooting up in surprise and then furrowing as his eyes meet Quartz’s. Your eyes? You can’t tell who’s in control. You don’t care who’s in control.
“ You don’t need to see us like that.” You know for a fact that that is Quartz speaking. Rust’s face flashes hurt for a brief moment before that melts away— all emotion melts away. A seed of guilt settles into your heart— into your soul— but you know neither of you are going to change your mind on this.
“I’ve seen you— brother, I’ve seen you at your worst . I think I can handle something like this.” Rust starts, pauses, and then continues ahead. You shake your head— Quartz shakes his head. Who is who? Who are you?
“ But I don’t want you there. ” You don't remember. What were you talking about again? Why is it so important that your brother doesn’t see what will happen?
Rust— your brother looks hurt. Pain flashes across his face and you think that it doesn’t belong there. But you’re the one that put it there. You can’t help but look away, eyes drifting towards your bed instead of his pained face.
Your eyes land on the small, white, plushie sitting on your pillow.
Your eyes land on Noodle.
Your cat.
Suddenly you are you again— separate from Quartz. You remember Noodle— how he would curl around your legs and try to trip you. How he would lay on your chest with the loudest purr you had ever heard a cat make. How no matter how much he ate, he would always still be hungry. How he would look up at you with love so great, you would feel happy for days after.
As memories of your cat flood you, they quickly make way for memories of your best friend. She had been with you when you had picked Noodle out from the shelter. She had been the one to press you to get a cat– something to keep your mind off of how empty your apartment felt. You remembered her dark coiled hair that she was so proud of. You remember the way her eyes would crinkle in the corners as she smiled– how she was always smiling no matter how hard things got for her. You miss her so much.
You miss your brother too. You missed the way he would wrap you up in his arms and hug you so tight you felt like you would burst. You missed the way he would barge his way into your apartment when you felt like you couldn’t do anything– saying he was there because he was bored even though you knew that he was there for you. You missed the way you could always count on him, no matter the time or day or the circumstances. You miss him so much.
But most of all, you miss your mom. Which is strange, considering for the most part, you haven’t really thought of her. But you’re so scared . So confused. You can’t help but remember the times when she would whisk her way into your room after a nightmare– how she would card her hand through your hair gently and chase away the monsters with her voice alone. You missed the feeling of safety– of unconditional love she would give you no matter what. You miss feeling safe. You miss your mom.
“I… I think we lost ourselves for a moment…” Quartz’s voice shocks you out of your stupor. You find yourself once more back behind the screen, watching Quartz stare at the plushie on your bed. Distantly you feel grief leaking over to you. Sorrow for something that Quartz never had and would never get to have. But he doesn’t address it, so you don’t either.
Quartz turns back around, eyes meeting Rust’s own eyes. Rust is staring quietly at Quartz, the same sad, hurt look on his face carefully hidden behind his usual neutral expression. You can feel the way Quartz wants to melt– to give in to his brother. But you can also feel the way that Quartz adamantly denies that feeling, pushing it down until it’s only barely felt.
“
You aren't coming and that’s final.”
Quartz says, voice stern and commanding. Rust huffs once like he’s going to protest but the words never leave his mouth. Instead, Rust turns towards the door and very quietly unlocks it. Without saying a word, Rust leaves the room, shutting the door silently behind him. You don’t hear him walk down the hallway– don’t hear his door shut to signal he had gone into his room. You can only hope that he won’t be too angry with the both of you.