Archive of Our Own ^beta

Here's the thing: Tony Stark was… not the best with emotion.

Actually, that was putting it lightly. Tony Stark was a disaster with emotion. Touchy feely things were just too… eurgh. You know? He'd much rather tinker alone in his workshop for hours and hours surrounded by just big hunks of metal.

The problem with that is that, somehow, along the way, he had gotten himself attached to his little intern. In fact, Tony would go so far as to admit that he was slightly, ever so slightly, just a tiny bit, protective over the kid.

Peter Parker was Stark Industries' newest addition, the latest hire in the past two years actually, and that was without Tony's meddling. Sure, he got the kid an internship on paper but Peter had taken one step into the building, got mesmerized by a project or other then found himself helping out in the labs with cleaning and then, a few days after that, stuck with watching over another intern's experiment while they had to do an errand and then after that, correcting a couple equations here and there until finally, someone had noticed the work the kid did, brought it up to HR and then, a whole seven months after the kid started, had finally gotten himself a proper, earned, and golden intern badge.

Tony, seeing his opportunity, had, of course, snatched up the kid as his apprentice and intern and had smuggled the kid into his personal lab without informing Pepper.

From there, it got more and more out of control and suddenly, Tony was finding himself irrationally worried about the kid during his patrols and stocking up on the kid's favorite cereal, buying LEGOs and watching Star Wars. Soon enough, he started seeing May Parker as family and Peter Parker as son.

That, in and of itself, is not the problem.

The problem was that Tony I'm emotionless Stark had found himself pseudo-parenting one Peter Parker but did not have the confidence to tell the kid, to his face, that he considered him a son. Instead, Tony had resorted to awkward pats on the shoulder and the occasional ruffling of the kid's hair.

Ergo, Peter Parker was not aware that he was, in fact, Tony Stark's pseudo-adopted son and, should he request for it, could practically get the man to do anything for him, even if that meant killing a man or buying a cheeseburger.

At first, it wasn't too bad. It was maybe a little awkward for a while but then Tony got back into the rhythm and forgot about the issue… mostly.

The issue, like all others, had then abruptly reared its head when Peter Parker had been allowed to keep a cute little stray kitten. The kitten whom Peter had named George the previous evening was a shaky little thing, trembling on his little paws at the slightest movement but had easily learned to trust Peter due to its young age.

Peter Parker was absolutely enamored with George. The issue Tony Stark had with this is the fact that Peter, in all of his oblivious glory, had forgotten to tell his pseudo-father that he had adopted a cat named George. No, instead Tony Stark first hears of George from an off-hand comment Peter had made to his fellow interns on their way out for the lunch break.

It rang in Tony's ears, almost as if signifying the start of the end.

"Oh, yeah. I absolutely adore George."

This statement was so innocent, it practically dripped rainbows and puppies. Alas, Tony Stark was too preoccupied by the arrival of absolute mortification, dread and a sinking feeling he would later identify as his paternal instincts rearing their ugly heads and adamantly refusing this situation.

Because Tony Stark, in all his genius, had taken exactly one (1) offhand comment made by Peter, assumed he was talking about his 'secret boyfriend' and then promptly realized that holy shit his son was gay.

A minute later, the dread sinks in and then Tony realizes that holy shit, my son doesn't want me to know he's gay.

And now, from stage left, enter: Absolute Stupidity.

Tony, of course being the unfeeling bastard that he was, decided that he wasn't going to consult anyone else on this topic. Not even his girlfriend Pepper who had took one look at her boyfriend, whispered a thing or two to FRIDAY and found out the situation almost immediately. Coincidentally, Pepper was also kind of enjoying watching her boyfriend go through at least 200 different facial expressions in the past ten minutes.

Of course, seeing that she had weekly coffee sessions with May on Thursdays, Pepper was aware that George was, in fact, Peter's cat and not his 'secret lover'.

This information, however, was coincidentally something that she had 'accidentally' failed to mention to her boyfriend.

See, Tony was kind of a disaster parent and was overly worried over the kid all day, every day, and while that itself wasn't a problem, the fact that Tony also aggressively shuts down any and all emotion regarding the kid when he realizes what he's doing is.

Pepper's game plan? Make her boyfriend admit that he is a father™.

Tony, on the other hand?

Well, he was currently pacing around his lab, muttering over different plans until he finally settles on the best and only feasible course of action.

Tony's game plan? Aggressively assert his loving dominance over Peter's secret boyfriend and aggressively make sure Peter feels accepted in the tower.

"Hey, would you look at this, Pete?"

"What?"

"A closet!"

"very nice to come out of, you know?"

"…right."

"Pete, your birthday's coming up right? What do you feel about this cake?" Tilting his phone to face the kid, Tony looks away interestingly.

Peter, bless him, asks, "…a cake?"

Tony, beside him, mentally thinks, 'not just any cake, but a dick cake.' Instead of voicing this out, he instead replies with, "yeah, you like this design," as he swiped to other pictures of the cake, which, sadly were black and white photos and so, the details weren't quite as clear.

His kid intern replies, "why a cannon design?"

Tony, with his genius intellect, thought that Peter was just… wording it differently and not, in fact, thinking that it was actually a cannon cake, and so, nodded with seriousness. "Not just any cannon. It's a… special cannon."

Alas, Peter was none the wiser. Nodding happily, he says, "Thank you, Mr. Stark!"

Damn, Mr. Stark. Still not on first name basis. Point to George, that fucking bastard.

"George slept with me for the first time tonight!"

Oh, the little shit upped his game. That's fine, Tony thought, that's fine. Time to implement phase two of get Peter to come out and be loved by him, his amazing pseudo-father. The trump card.

Candy.

"Do you know my favorite candy, Pete?"

Blinking slowly at the man in front of him, Peter replies after a short second, "Reese's?"

"Close but no," patting Peter's hand, Tony looks Peter in the eyes and continues, "I like skittles."

"Right…"

Pausing a  moment, as if to emphasize the next phrase's importance, Tony says, "Rainbow skittles."

Finally done with his task, the inventor nods to himself, as if to congratulate himself on a job well done, and wanders off to make himself a coffee, leaving an absolute confused and flabbergasted intern by the doorway.

Turning to look at the man happily making himself a coffee, Peter thinks hysterically, 'maybe Mr. Stark is insane. Oh my god, J Jonah Jameson, I'll never doubt you again."

Tony had been 'discreetly' doing recon, Pepper could tell. And while the endless number of times the man had 'subtly' asked her how Peter is doing or what her opinion on his 'friend' George was was quite entertaining for a minute or so, it had quickly gotten old.

So, in the name of not getting driven up the wall for the rest of the year, Pepper had elected to do one thing.

She told May.

And really, seeing that the two women had gotten as thick as thieves during their mutual worry sessions regarding the respective son and boyfriend, it wasn't really a surprise, now was it?

For all his bright, kind innocence, Peter Parker was a little shit and frankly, Pepper was well aware that it takes one to know one and May Parker was the epitome of that. Behind her easygoing nature and well-meant fussing, May Parker was probably the only reason Peter didn't get killed but, at the same time, the kid had inherited every bit of May's deviousness, lack of related blood notwithstanding.

It didn't come as a surprise to Pepper that once May had found out about Tony's current predicament, May had processed the information for a minute, stared at her for another two and then promptly cackled in the middle of their usual Italian restaurant.

Needless to say, May Parker wasn't really helping the situation. Especially when she throws out the occasional offhand 'Oh, George has been splendid' and 'Peter's downright obsessed with that boy, I'll tell you, Pep!'

But, let's be real, Pepper Potts didn't expect May Parker to help the situation.

In fact, they had both made the situation progressively worse. Or better. Depending on how you looked at it.

"Oh, George? Yeah, Peter just came home with him one evening and the rest was history!"

"And you just approved? He's barely 16!"

"Oh, I'm sure Pete can handle it. Besides, last he told me, George practically ate up all the affection Peter gives him and let me tell you, Tony, Peter's quite affectionate. He even told me that George liked to be carried around, lightly manhandled, that sort of thing."

And with that, May disappeared to visit Happy with her coffee in hand and a subtle shake of laughter in her shoulders. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Unluckily for Tony Stark, who she had left behind, the man was none the wiser.

Sitting down on the table with a half-eaten bagel and a slightly glazed over look, Tony realizes that maybe, just maybe, Peter is… dare he say it, sexually… active.

And good lord, he was the top of the two.

Did he need to give Pete the birds and bees talk? Can he give Pete the birds and bees talk?! The two weren't going to be expecting pregnancies but they sure as hell could have diseases and holy shit, Peter is fucking someone?!

The bastard was stepping up his game.

If Tony were a better man, he'd admit his defeat to this bastard of a secret boyfriend and go to his girlfriend for advice but really, since when was Tony a better man? He'd get this bastard even if it killed him.

He didn't get the bastard.

In fact, Tony had been running out of ideas. He had blasted the song 'somewhere over the rainbow' on speakers at SI for two weeks straight. Nothing. Wore very bright bisexual colors and he came out as bi to Peter. His son was happily accepting of his identity but, once again, nothing.

At this point, Tony just had to accept defeat and just… allow the  bastard George to date his kid. And yes, Peter is, in fact, his kid. He couldn't possibly keep denying the reason he holed up in his lab for hours on end trying to think of a new plan to aggressively show Peter his accepting fatherly love and not admit that he loved the kid like his own son.

Not that that meant that he didn't try to ignore his… parental instincts for nearly four months straight, justifying it to his increasingly exasperated wife by saying he was 'protecting him as his boss'.

He wasn't.

And now, here he was, receiving his long-ordered penis cake from the delivery man and mentally admitting defeat to George.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

He was carrying a cake shaped like a penis into his penthouse, leaving behind a delivery man who was looking at him very weirdly. Tony just knew the guy was probably thinking, 'man, rich people are just so weird'. The things he did for his kid. Honestly. How the mighty have fallen, indeed.

Allowing himself a brief moment to mourn his victory, Tony wears his spider-themed party hat and heads back to the penthouse, placing the cake by the kitchen island on his way to the living room where everyone was sitting.

Tony gives Pepper a kiss and hugs his kid tight, sending May a quick nod in greeting.

And as the man basks in the presence of his family, Tony is blissfully unaware that Peter was, still, in fact, expecting a cake shaped like a cannon and not… well…

"Dad."

"Yes, Pete?"

Peter had prepared a sharp and pointy, glistening knife to cut his cake, opened the box and looked at the dessert in front of him and was stuck speechless. "That's a dick."

It was, in fact, a dick. Complete with… er… white icing on top.

He turned to look at his dad who nods with a proud look in his eyes and answers, "yes, it is."

"You bought me a dick cake."

"Mhm. It's a… special kind of cannon, remember?"

"That-"

And oh, did Peter Remember. He Remembered Tony showing him a black and white picture of what looked like a cannon, assumed that it was a cannon, and thanked his dad for buying him a cake. Shaped like a cannon. A cannon shaped cake.

He did not, in fact, remember, in any way, shape or form, that he had been consulted on the matter of getting a cake shaped like a dick.

Peter blinked. Tony blinked back at him. Behind them, Pepper chokes on her water and May is happily recording a video. Happy is hiding a smile and Rhodey looks like he's about to start cackling. Steve is about to go catatonic and the Avengers just watch, astonished, at the cake in front of them. And Peter? Peter was staring at Loki pleadingly, as if asking him to put him into a coma ASAP.

Then, like a flash, he remembered everything that Tony had been 'subtly' hinting at for the past six months. The closets. The skittles. The rainbow themed furniture. The over-the-top Pride Month decorations.

At this point, Peter just agreed with JJJ and assumed that Tony was slowly losing his mind. 

…did

… did his dad think he was… gay?

What.

"What."

Slowly closing his eyes from embarrassment, Peter says slowly, "Tony… do you think I'm gay?"

At the current elation and tell-tale signs that his dad was going to burst into happy acceptance, Peter quickly said, "Tony, I'm not gay."

"Right, Pete, it's been six months! You don't have to keep hiding yourself from the world! I love you just as you are, kiddo!"

Here, Pepper finally caves and starts to cackle, leaning onto Rhodey, who was also equally hysteric with laughter, for support.

"Dad, I am not gay."

Giving his kid a long stare, Tony observes the kid. Ears red from embarrassment, hands hiding his face from view, and body language firm, he concludes that, yes, his kid believes he isn't gay. But then… how… how did that relationship even work?

He had so many questions.

"I have so many questions."

Giving Tony an incredulous look, Peter countered, "I have so many questions! How did you even come to that conclusion?!"

"But, don't you have a boyfriend named George?"

"George?"

"Yeah, kid, George, your bastard boyfrie-"

"GEORGE, MY CAT?!!"

"George, your cat?!"

Processing this new information, Tony turns to look at his girlfriend who was shaking with laughter behind him, "Pepper, you watched me plan Peter's imaginary coming out party and knew that the 'kid' I was cursing to high hell was, in fact, a cat, and you didn't tell me??"

His girlfriend stares back at him smugly, phone camera blinking, "I regret nothing."

Then, as if to break the tension, Clint reaches for the knife and asks, "So… who wants to claim the tip?"

From there, it devolved into chaos.

"So... you're... not gay?"

"Well, no, but I am bi."

"Okay, okay, noted. and you're not dating a guy?"

"Well, no-"

"Oh, good-"

"I'm dating MJ!"

"You're dating wHO?!"

"Surprise?")

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