Chapter Text
“What?”
“Phillip!”
“You can’t be serious!”
I hear a loud crash from the doorway- Marla has dropped her tray.
A group of maids rush to clean up the mess, adding more confusion to the already frenzied dining room- and blocking my parents’ view of the other side of the room.
I feel a tap on my shoulder and whirl around to see Elizabeth pointing towards the exit.
“Go! Find your girl!” She pushes me out the door. Before I’m shoved through, I catch a glimpse of Henry sitting pale in his chair, looking more shocked than I’ve ever seen him. Elizabeth runs over to him, holding out the ring, and he seems to shake out of whatever state he’s been in.
But I don’t have time to stay and watch them be happy- I’ve got bigger things to take care of.
I try not to think about how ridiculous the last half-hour has been. I can’t exactly go back on what I’ve done- not that I’d ever want to. But I can’t help wondering if it’s the right thing to do.
Will Anne even let me stay?
I shake my head. I just need to see her. I need to tell her how I feel. Then she can get rid of me. Just one last time.
I’ve been so secretive- and not just about her, but with her. I haven’t told her a word about Elizabeth, or my family, or where I come from. I hadn’t said her name aloud until just a few moments ago. I’m about to betray her one request at privacy, just so I can see her again. I’ve been so stupid, I am so stupid, and I can only hope she’ll look past it.
I don’t know what I’ll do if she can’t.
The sky tonight is overcast, cloudier than usual. The moon is almost completely covered, and I can barely see my hand in front of my face. If I needed a night for secrecy, this would be it.
Stumbling along the sidewalk on the way to the circus, I try to get my bearings. The moon peeks through a curtain of clouds, giving me a glimpse of the surrounding buildings.
And there, right in the center: Barnum’s Circus.
I duck into the alley, desperately hoping I won’t hit anything and alert her of my presence. I’ll need to prepare for what I so need to tell her. Feeling my way down, I eventually stop at an empty trash can, which marks the center of our meeting place- and I’ve arrived.
I can’t see a thing- the only clue that I’m not alone is the faint sound of singing from the other wall. I can’t hear the words, not from this far away, when she’s this quiet. But it’s still the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life.
The melody is soaring, and full of emotion, and I’m convinced that she must secretly be an angel, because how else could her voice make my pulse race in the way it does, like I’ve just ran across the city and back?
I wait until she finishes, just listening, drinking her in.
I don’t deserve to love her. I’m not supposed to be here.
A deep breath.
“Anne?”
She jumps up- I hear the clatter of metal against brick wall behind her.
“Oh my g- Phillip?”
The sound of my name on her lips rivals the sound of her voice- even as it turns from shock to anger.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
That’s a question.
“Look, Anne, I know- you don’t want me here. But please, listen. I just need to see you, I just need to talk to you. I need to tell you something.”
She lets out an incredulous laugh. “You want me to listen? You think you can just walk down here and talk, and I’ll let you stay for nothing? ‘Cause if that’s honestly what you think, I really don’t want you around.”
“Please, Anne, I’m begging you. Just give me five minutes, and if you hate me still you’ll never see me again, I swear.”
I’m not actually sure that’s a risk I’m willing to take, but I’d do anything to make her happy- with or without me.
I must sound genuinely pathetic, because the alley goes silent, minus the sound of my heavy breathing.
“…Anne?”
“Five minutes. Start talking.”
The relief that bubbles up inside my chest is like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
“Thank you. Thank you.”
I struggle to find the right words- I don’t want to come across as more of a creep than I already have, but I need her to know just how much she means to me.
Forget poetry, or careful words. The clock is ticking- I go with the truth.
“Anne, I love you. I don’t know if I’ve been obvious about it, but I do. I think I’ve loved you from the moment I met you. But it took this- not even a night away from you- for me to realize just how far I let you in.”
My voice cracks. I don’t care anymore.
“If you despise me, if you want me gone, out of your life forever, then it’s alright. I betrayed your trust when I came here, I know that. And I’m truly, truly sorry. But I needed to tell you, I needed you to know, before I go…. Anne, I want to get to know you better, better than just favorite ice cream flavors or books. I would give up my life for you, throw away everything I am, without hesitation, because you’re everything I want to be. You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with- somehow, some way… but only if you’ll let me. Only if you want that too.”
Please, please, want that too.
There’s a long moment of silence. I’m afraid to speak again, afraid of what she’ll say next.
Her voice is quiet.
“I really need you to leave, Phillip.”
Any hope I had of acceptance dies in my chest. I can feel it, feel my heart shatter once again. No pain. Just emptiness. A hollow space where joy is supposed to be.
I simply nod, though she probably can’t tell in the darkness.
“Okay. I understand. Goodbye, Anne.”
I turn to go, holding back a sob. There’s no need for her to hear me, my selfish tears. Quite honestly, I’m disappointed in myself.
But those thoughts clear from my mind the second I hear a sob from behind me.
I run to her without hesitation, dropping painfully to my knees. I barely register it.
Idiot, just let her go!
She pushes off the ground and away from me, getting her breathing under control.
“Phillip, leave.”
“Anne, I just want to help you. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
“You!” She cries, flinging her arms out wide. “You are what’s wrong here!”
I’m going way too far, and I know it, but I can’t stand to leave her alone and crying, not when its because of me. I can’t have her think of me as the bastard I currently am. And I know I could stop, but I’m too far in to let it go now.
“Please, I understand-“
“No, you don’t understand. You will never understand. So don’t say things you don’t mean, and leave.”
She emphasizes each syllable of never, making it clear how much she means it.
The question I’ve been asking myself since that fateful afternoon I met her comes back to me, the question I’ve avoided out of sheer respect, and because I’m not sure I want to know the answer.
“Why do you hide from me?”
It comes out weaker than I expected.
Her anger visibly drains, and she hangs her head, letting out a joyless laugh.
“You… you just don’t give up, do you?”
She draws herself up, wiping away her tears.
“Well, that’s too bad. Goodbye, Phillip. If you knew what I am, I doubt you’d be so determined.”
And she turns on her heels, and leaves.
So I do the only thing I can, the last boundary I have to break.
I follow her.
“If I knew what you are? Anne, if I knew what you are, I’d love you just as much. I’d love you more.”
She shakes her head, doesn’t look back.
“Yeah, you say that.”
“It’s true!”
She’s so far ahead, I can’t catch up with her. The ground changes, becomes more open. We’ve left the alley.
I can’t tell where she’s going, and it’s still too dark to see much of anything. The only thing keeping me from seeing her clearly is the insane amount of clouds in the sky, blocking the moon from view.
“Anne, please!”
She ignores me, keeps walking.
I hear it before I see it.
There’s a faint rumbling noise, somewhere in the distance, but getting closer.
A buggy appears at the west end of the street, rapidly approaching us. Its headlights are out. And Anne doesn’t notice it.
“Anne-“
“Phillip, enough.” She keeps walking.
“But, Anne-“ I try. The car is getting closer, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop.
“I said enough.”
She refuses to look behind her. I run to catch up with her, but the buggy is faster. Only a few seconds.
“Anne, just look!”
Finally, she whirls around, tears streaming down her face.
“What?!”
She sees the car. Freezes. Too late.
I refuse to let her go.
Adrenaline fuels me as I run to her, faster than I’ve ever run before. I knock straight into her, push her away.
I feel the full impact of a speeding car.
At first, everything is numb as I’m blown back. My thoughts blur together and I can’t feel my anything. I just barely register the car has stopped.
Then I fall, and my head hits the ground. Hard. And the pain rushes in, in acute focus. My brain has yet to catch up to the rest of my body, but I definitely have a couple broken ribs.
And there is definitely an angel standing over me.
“Phillip, god, Phillip, are you okay?”
“I didn’t see him, I swear I didn’t see him!”
“Say something, you idiot!”
Anne…
I’m vaguely aware I’m being shaken, but the shock and the pain are too much for me. Not to mention I’m a little distracted by the face in front of me, lit up by a glowing moon.
She’s beautiful.
Her hair, her eyes, they hold the same color and fire that I’ve dreamed about for so long. But now I see the details, the shape of her face, the curve of her neck.
Everything, every single thing about her, from her shining eyes to her unwavering confidence, is more perfect than anything I could ever imagine.
Oh, and her skin is a little darker. It seems like such a minor detail.
She’s saying something, calling out for someone.
“W.D.! Please, W.D., I need your help out here!”
She turns back to me, gives me the full intensity of her gaze.
“You absolute bastard, don’t give up on me now. Help is on the way.”
I hear heavy footsteps somewhere off in the distance, getting louder.
“Anne?!”
“Right here, W.D.”
“What… the hell.” Another face pops into view beside Anne. I’m really too tired to get a good look.
“I’ll explain later, just help me get him to the hospital.”
I feel my eyes flutter closed. I could really use some sleep….
Someone slaps my cheek a few times.
“No, you idiot, do not fall asleep. Do not!”
“You might wanna listen to her, man. She sounds angry.”
“Oh, shut up.”
I breathe out a sigh. Anne’s safe, she’s alright. I don’t need to do anything.
“Did he say your name?”
“Probably? It doesn’t matter, just go. He’s falling asleep.”
“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do after this, baby sis.”
“Yeah, whatever. Cmon, cmon!”
I let myself go, and I slip into the darkness.
Unsurprisingly, I regret nothing.