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If his head didn’t feel like it was going to explode, Buck would let himself dwell more on the all too familiar beeping noise that brought him out of his slumber. He had lost count of how many times he’d woken up after getting hurt either as a reckless teenager or as, what Hen coined him as, a ‘Danger Magnet.’ He didn’t purposely go into a situation to get hurt, he just couldn’t stop himself from doing whatever it took to help the people who needed him more. So what if he took a few hits to the head?
Buck desperately wanted to go back into the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness but now that he was awake, he was not only aware of how bad his head hurt, or his body, but that he also had to pee. He shifted a little, as if that would alleviate the pressure on his bladder but all it managed to do was cause him to groan in discomfort.
His eyes fluttered open only for Buck to hiss at the brightness in the room. Didn’t the Nurses and Doctors know that no one enjoyed waking up to fluorescent lighting? He clearly didn’t have Nurse Cor, who knew him well enough to keep the lights dimmed whenever he was admitted. Maybe he could make a request? Was that allowed? Was that weird?
“Easy Buck.” Bobby’s voice floated into Buck’s ears, gentle and quiet, a man used to watching people come back to the land of the living. Buck’s heart twinged, the battle to be both relieved that someone was here that cared about him and the anxiety that it was Bobby and he was in trouble.
“Bobby?” Buck asked as he watched the light dim outside of his closed eyelids. Now that he wasn’t worried that the light was going to split his skull, he carefully tried to open his eyes once more. They watered from the light but otherwise, it was much easier this time.
His eyes found Bobby’s concerned face, his body hovering partially over Buck, his eyes doing a quick assessment to see where the problem was. Buck went to rub at his eyes but grunted in a shock of pain instead that flared from his shoulder, up into his neck.
“You dislocated your collarbone. Try not to move this arm as much as possible.” Bobby glanced down which caused Buck to let his eyes follow. He looked in dismay at his right arm in a firm sling, trapping his arm against his chest. “It wasn’t a break, so you’ll only need it for a couple weeks if all goes according to plan.” Bobby watched Buck’s face, hoping he’d be relieved to hear it but instead he seemed confused.
“You also hit your head pretty hard. You’re going to be suffering some after effects from the concussion. The scans came back normal but they kept you over night to monitor you. You have a check up later today and if all is well, they’ll let you get out of here by this evening.” Bobby was relieved that Buck wouldn’t be stuck in here. He knew he hated hospitals and Bobby just felt better, knowing that Buck, although hurt, wasn’t hurt so badly he needed an extended stay.
“Can I uh…” Buck cleared his throat, realizing just how dry it was.
“What is it?” Bobby asked, his eyes once again searching Buck’s body for any obvious sign of pain.
“Bathroom.” Buck managed out, ignoring the flash of pain that traveled down his body as he tried to shift himself into some sort of upright position.
“Oh.” Bobby simply responded as he reached over between Buck’s body and the cushion of the bed. He found what he was looking for, the remote, pressed a button and Buck felt as his upper body began to lift into more of a seated position. He carefully tested out moving his legs and, although his body thrummed in a pain that was familiar to overexerting himself in the gym, he didn’t think he’d hurt anything on his lower body.
Once the bed stopped moving and Buck was as upright as possible, Bobby silently helped him untangle from the blanket as he tried to get his legs shuffled out from underneath. Bobby stood next to him, arms at the ready to catch Buck if he needed it. Buck was sore all over but he managed to stand and, after a brief moment of dizziness, he was able to slowly make his way towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
When Buck came back into the room, all of his focus went to putting one foot in front of the other and making it to the bed. He could feel how weak he was, never mind how badly he needed a painkiller. Out of his peripheral, Buck was aware that there was another person in the room next to Bobby and assumed it must be his Nurse to talk to him.
Buck took a seat on the edge of the bed, taking a minute to catch his breath. He could feel eyes burning holes into the side of his head and so he turned his head, ready to answer any questions the Nurse had and to request something for the pain asap. What he didn’t expect, was the younger guy in an LAFD zip up hoodie.
Buck opened his mouth to say…well, he didn’t know what, but the guy stepped closer, eyes wide as saucers.
“I’m so sorry Buck! I didn’t see the rope fraying so quickly. It didn’t even snag…the angle of the cliff hid the sharp edge. It’s my fault.” The guy rushed out in one breath. “We…maybe if I had gone down with you, we would have noticed.”
Buck listened to him carefully, brows bunching together tightly. He had fallen? Buck did go rock climbing when he had time to fit it into his schedule but he didn’t recognize the person talking to him. Furthermore, if this was a person he climbed with, wouldn’t he also know the guy was also a firefighter? Buck’s eyes glanced over at Bobby who looked more and more concerned as Buck sat there quietly.
“Buck.” Bobby said his name slowly, as if he were worried he was about to spook a wild animal. “What do you remember from the cliff rescue?”
Buck sighed as he closed his eyes, his left hand moving up to rub gently against his temple. It was then that he realized there was gauze wrapped around his head, just above his forehead. His fingers followed the gauze around his head, hissing when he applied a little more pressure just above his neck, at the base of his skull.
“I don’t remember.” Buck admitted, feeling his heart beat pound painfully against his already wounded body. His eyes snapped open as he locked onto Bobby’s, searching his face for an answer. “I don’t…”
“It’s okay.” Bobby assured him as he stepped in front of Buck, placing his hands on his good shoulder, pressing just enough to ground him. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
Buck blinked several times, fighting the bubbling panic from trying to drown him. “I…” Buck paused, trying to get himself under control to focus.
“It’s okay Buck. Take a deep breath…come on…that’s it.” Bobby said to him, his voice soft and encouraging.
“Sorry.” Buck mumbled after a few minutes of Bobby’s quiet directions.
“I went to Howie’s, to-to try and apologize.” Buck answered him slowly.
“You went to Chimney’s?” Bobby asked, his brows furrowing in confusion.
“No, no.” Buck made an exasperated noise as he shook his head. “Howie’s Market. It was Wednesday, which meant the 118 was going to get groceries for your lasagna.” Buck explained to him. “I know..I realize it was sort of stupid to ambush everyone there, but I just…I wanted to make sure I apologized to all of you but then…”
“A case of road rage broke up the moment.” Bobby finished, to which Buck nodded. Buck had thought Bobby was going to bring up Eddie shouting at him, but was relieved he didn’t.
“What’s wrong?” Buck asked as he stared at Bobby’s face, knowing his Captain enough to know when he was sorting out how to deliver tough news to someone. He glanced over at the other guy in the room, wishing he could give him some sort of clue.
Bobby moved his hand, this time so it was resting against the side of Buck’s neck, his thumb resting gently against Buck’s cheek. “That day was almost four years ago, Buck. Today’s date is February 7, 2022.” Bobby looked over towards the younger guy in the room, giving him a nod. He gave a jerky nod in response, eyes glancing over at Buck quickly before backing out of the room.
“What?” Was the only word that seemed to make sense to come out of Buck’s mouth. Bobby carefully let Buck go, moving around the bed so he could press the call button. “Bobby…” Buck whispered, his voice sounding strangled as he forced the sound out.
“Hey hey hey… We’re going to figure this out, okay?” Bobby asked him as he took a seat on Buck’s good side so he could gently wrap his arm around him. Buck appreciated the comfort, but was unable to relax the tension in his body. He was doing everything he could not to let himself spiral into the panic that wanted to consume him.
A Doctor entered the room a minute or so later, a friendly, non-threatening smile on their face. “Mr. Buckley. It’s so good to see you awake. How are you feeling?” She asked as she went over to the machine next to his bed, pressing a button before writing down a few notes onto the clipboard in her hands.
At Buck’s inability to form exactly how he was feeling right now, the Doctor pulled over a chair so she could sit across from him. “Mr. Panikkar let me know what may be going on and so we’re going to go over a couple of questions. How does that sound?”
“I’m right here Buck.” Bobby reminded him with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.
For the next fifteen minutes, Buck did his best to answer the questions the Doctor was asking him. Some of them were easy, ‘What’s your name?,’ ‘When were you born?,’ ‘What’s your address?,’ while others he ended up struggling with, ‘Today’s date?’ (Buck admitted he only knew because Bobby had told him), ‘What did he eat for breakfast this morning (He genuinely had no idea. He had only had a protein shake the morning that he’d decided to confront the 118, but if that was years ago, then what did he have today? Bobby told him he’d made waffles at the station that morning).
The Doctor excused herself, Sadie, she insisted on them calling her, promising to be back soon and that food would be on its way.
Meanwhile, Bobby helped Buck get settled back into a lying down position. Buck groaned quietly as the movement jostled his shoulder, but other than that, remained quiet. It unnerved Bobby. Any time Buck had been in the hospital for the various injuries he had acquired, the moment he was awake, he was talking and eager to leave. Seeing him withdrawn into himself like this set Bobby’s teeth on edge.
Hearing the sound of a phone clearly vibrating, Buck first looked around assuming maybe his was nearby but, upon realizing it wasn’t on the table next to the bed, let his eyes wander to Bobby who had taken the chair next to the bed.
“You can answer that, you know.” Buck told him quietly.
Bobby looked like he wanted to argue, to tell him it could wait, but Buck could also see the stress on his Captain’s face. “It’s probably the team, they’re worried.” He told him as he lifted partially out of the seat so he could pull his phone out of his pocket.
“It’s the team. They want to see you.” Bobby informed Buck as he glanced up at him. “We’ll wait to hear what Sadie says, and then we’ll go from there.”
“Okay.” Buck answered him quietly.
Bobby leaned forward, resting his hand on Buck’s forearm. “I know you’re scared right now and that’s okay. But whatever Sadie tells us, we’re going to figure it out together. You’re not alone Buck.”
“I’m alone in this fight.” Is what Buck heard in his head, recalling that first conversation he’d had with Chase Mackey, his lawyer against the city. Against his team. His family.
“So uh…who…who was that anyway?” Buck asked, trying to distract himself once again from the swirling thoughts in his head, trying in vain to remember anything past the day at the grocery store. “The guy who was apologizing..Pani…”
“Ravi Panikkar, probie at the 118. He’s been with us for almost a year now. We’ve actually just started planning his graduation to Firefighter.” Bobby explained to him, glancing towards the door of Buck’s room but not seeing any of the team near it. Buck could see the fondness for the other man on Bobby’s face. He was someone that wasn’t just on the team, but someone that was one of their own. Someone Buck should know. Someone Buck probably did know and well, especially if they were doing rescues together.
It wasn’t much longer until Sadie came back into the room, a nurse with a tray of food following behind. Buck sighed, he hated hospital food.
“Okay Mr. Buckley. I consulted with my colleague and we believe that what you are suffering from is retrograde amnesia from hitting your head, which is also what has caused your concussion. Now typically with this type of amnesia, you lose recent memories, not a few years’ worth. I believe it is because of the location of the worst impact from the fall, which is here.” Sadie held up a scan of his head they’d taken when he’d first arrived, circling a part with the pen in her hand. “I’d like to take another scan and to keep you overnight for another one tomorrow.”
Buck begin to lift up, a protest on his lips but Sadie placed her hand gently on his uninjured shoulder to keep him in place. “We just want to be certain that there is no brain bleed or swelling to be worried about. I’m going to schedule the scan and then we’ll get you in.”
“Do you think it’s going to happen?” Buck asked, his voice sounding almost shy, though Bobby knew that it was the fear he was trying to hide.
Sadie smiled at him sweetly and shook her head. “Based on the initial scans, I do not believe there is any worry for either of those things to happen but, I want to be cautious. If you start feeling off in any way, you press that button and we’ll assess your situation, deal?”
Buck nodded, his one tensed shoulder slowly relaxing down. “Deal.”
“Bobby?” At Buck voicing his name, Bobby looked away from his phone, giving Buck his full attention. “Can you call Maddie? Tell her not to worry? I’m sure she’s freaking out. Who knows what Chim told her.” He was actually surprised she wasn’t in the room with him.
Bobby paused, a look of sadness on his face for a second before likely realizing it and masking it. “Of course. I’ll give her a call.”
“Thanks Bobby.” Buck sighed, rubbing his free hand tiredly over his face. “What about the team? They should go home.”
“Do you want me to tell them what we’ve learned?” Bobby asked him as he maneuvered the table with the tray of food within Buck’s reach.
Buck reached for the orange juice, feeling suddenly just how parched he was.
“If they’re here now, maybe we can ask if they can all come in? We can break the news in one go?” Buck suggested. He didn’t think he could handle having to tell them one at a time that he didn’t remember anything and having to see the disappointment on their faces. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that they might not be angry with him anymore, that he must have been back with the 118. He had so many questions he wanted to ask but didn’t think he had the energy to do it now.
“Okay. We can do that.” Bobby tapped on his screen a few times, eyes reading over the messages that were coming in. “Eddie is still about 5 minutes away. Once he’s here, they’ll come in.”
Buck’s face screwed up in confusion but he didn’t want to ask. Maybe Eddie had to go home to take care of Christopher. He did wonder why Eddie wouldn’t have been his partner for the rope rescue that went wrong.
With Bobby’s gentle prodding, Buck managed to get most of his food, poking at the questionable mashed potatoes when the door opened and Hen entered. Behind Hen was Ravi, an asian man he didn’t recognize, Athena and then Eddie who looked on edge with a flush on his face. Buck wondered if he’d run into the hospital from the parking lot. Eddie had barely crossed through the door when a small woman with red hair rammed into his shoulder, knocking him out of the way.
“Taylor?” Buck asked, his eyes glancing towards Bobby as the woman made her way to his side. Her eyes were filled with tears as she leaned down, kissing him on his lips gently.
“I was so worried.” She confessed in a whisper, her eyes moving wildly as she clocked every injury that was visible.
Buck could feel a headache coming on, suddenly beginning to think maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
“Bobby…where’s Maddie?” Buck asked, his focus leaving the concerned faces of those in the room with him already, dread filling his belly. “Did she have a shift?”
Bobby swallowed visibly as he took a step forward. His towering height caused Taylor to take a step back, regardless of the fact that she was standing on the other side of Buck. He placed his hand on Buck’s good shoulder, giving it a grounding squeeze.
“Bobby?” Hen asked, her eyes not leaving Buck.
“We knew Buck likely had a concussion from his fall, but that’s not everything.” Buck chanced a look around the room, seeing Athena’s body visibly tense in understanding without Bobby needing to say it. “He is also showing signs of suffering from retrograde amnesia. His scans have come back promising and the Doctor doesn’t believe there is anything else to worry about, but they will be taking some more scans later just to be sure.”
“You didn’t recognize me.” Ravi said from the back of the room, the fact dawning on him. Buck lifted his head towards the male and shook his head.
“I’m sorry.” Buck said to him, unsure of what else he could really say to that.
“It’s not your fault, I” Ravi began but Bobby lifted his hand in a gesture that meant to calm someone down.
“No, it’s not your fault and Buck knows that.” Buck would argue that that wasn’t completely true but he also knew if Bobby was saying it, then it must be nothing but the truth. Bobby wouldn’t sugarcoat something like this.
“What do you remember?” Taylor asked, her eyes wide, clearly absorbing the gravity of the situation.
Buck chewed on his lip, wishing the bed would just suck him into the mattress. “I turned down the lawsuit and…ran into you all at Howie’s…” Buck swallowed, his eyes moving from Taylor towards Eddie who looked as if he were ready to bolt. Eddie’s eyes met his and widened, his memory clearly remembering what he’d said to Buck that day. “I remember the cars in the parking lot and not being able to help. I bought some groceries…I don’t remember getting back into my jeep.” He admitted, having tried to get past that but not seeing anything else.
“Oh Buck.” Hen whispered as she came closer after Bobby stepped to the side. She reached over, running her fingers gently, carefully, through his hair. “We’re here for you, whatever you need. Okay?” She leaned down, giving him a light kiss on his temple. She stepped back, wanting to make sure he had enough space and didn’t feel crowded. He appreciated it.
Athena moved over towards Bobby, wrapping her arm around his waist. “You can come and stay with us, if you’d like. You don’t have to be alone.” Athena grimaced as she looked across Buck to Taylor who seemed to possibly still be in shock. “No offense Sweetheart.”
“None…none taken.” Taylor managed out as she blinked rapidly, moving her hair behind her ear.
Before anyone else could speak, two Nurses entered the room with a wheelchair, surprised by the amount of people stuffed into the room. “Mr. Buckley, we’re ready for your scans.”
“I’ll be here when you get back.” Bobby promised as everyone moved to the sides of the room.
Bobby could see the question on the tip of Buck’s tongue. “Maddie is safe. She’s with Chim. I’ll explain later, I promise.”
With only a little help from the nurses, Buck managed to get into the wheelchair, keeping his eyes glued to his knees as not to see the mix of emotions that were all over everyone’s faces.
Buck pushed down the panic threatening to suffocate him as he was pushed down the halls, trying to be hopeful that perhaps this was all just a dream and that he’d be waking up soon.