Work Text:
CHAPTER 1: DOT CAN’T FIND THEIR SHOES
[int. Dot and Workman’s apartment]
Dot: I can’t find my shoes.
Dot: Workman, did you take my shoes?
Workman: What?
Workman: I can’t believe you would accuse me of something like that.
Workman: After all we’ve been through together?
Workman: I’m hurt. I’m betrayed. I’m--
Dot: Workman you steal my shoes five times a day on average
Workman:
Workman: Well yeah but I didn’t steal them this time
Workman: And Beasley didn’t steal them either, right, buddy?
Beasley: Woof!
Dot:
Dot: Well, I suppose I can't argue with that.
CHAPTER 2: DOT PUTS ON SOME DIFFERENT SHOES
Dot: At least they didn’t take all of my shoes.
Dot: Those were my best pitching shoes, though…
Workman: Hey, don’t worry, if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s finding shoes!
Workman: Also hitting dingers
Workman: So we’d better get your pitching shoes back so I don’t have an unfair advantage.
Dot: I don’t need shoes to strike you out.
Dot: But also I want my shoes back
Dot: If you didn’t take them, and Beasley didn’t take them, then who did?
Workman: Hmmm maybe we should check with the next nearest Thief
CHAPTER 3: THEY CHECK WITH THE NEXT NEAREST THIEF
Lachlan: Really?
Lachlan: Really?
Lachlan: You think I stole your shoes?
Lachlan: Me?????
Lachlan: The guy who’s been called “a disgrace to the art of footwear larceny” and “couldn’t even steal a shoelace if it fell right into his hands?????”
Lachlan: …Mostly by Esme.
Lachlan: But she also once said I was “way too polite to ever steal anything” so I try to take it all as compliments.
Lachlan: Anyway my point is why would you even think I'm capable of stealing your shoes
Workman:
Dot:
Beasley:
Workman: Yeah we didn’t really think this through huh
Dot: Sorry for bothering you, Lachlan. We’ll be leaving--
Dot:
Dot: Wait
Dot: Has Simon been around today?
Lachlan: Nah shi went to visit friends in the Hellmouth, actually.
Workman: You mean like hir friend Howell? The Thief?
Lachlan: What, you think they teamed up for some kind of elaborate plan to steal Dot’s shoes over long distance? Are you kidding?
Workman: Wouldn't put it past them, honestly.
Workman: It's what I would do.
Lachlan:
Lachlan: Okay, yeah, I can see that. But I promise Simon never said anything to me about long-distance shoe-stealing plans.
Dot: Well, I get the feeling that even if shi had, you wouldn't tell us.
Lachlan: I mean
Lachlan: I wouldn't want to give anything away…
Lachlan: But I’m not good with lying so I don't think I'd be able to hide it.
Dot: Lachlan. Did Simon and/or Howell have plans to steal my shoes, as far as you know?
Lachlan: No.
Dot:
Dot: Okay, I believe you. Sorry for the trouble.
Lachlan: It's fine. Good luck finding the shoes. I'd offer to help, but, well, you know.
Workman: It's the thought that counts. Thanks.
Lachlan: Actually, there’s something I can do! Why don't you stop by for supper later, even if you haven't found the shoes by then?
Dot: That sounds lovely, thank you.
Workman: And of course we'll find them. Me and Beasley are experts at this kind of thing, and Dot has incredible dimensional powers.
Lachlan: So how’d you manage to let the shoes get stolen in the first place, then?
Workman:
Dot:
Beasley:
Workman: Bye Lachlan
CHAPTER 4: WORKMAN HAS AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Workman: Oh god, what have I become?
Workman: All those years of stealing shoes, and I didn't notice… I don't even have a single lead…
Workman: I have no idea who took them or how they did it!
Workman: They're going to revoke my Thief license! I'll be the only exception to “once a Thief, always a Thief”. They'll all laugh at me, say I've gone soft in all my time away from Charleston…
Beasley: Woof…
Workman: No, they wouldn't do it to you too, Beasley. No one could ever blame you for anything.
Dot: Are Thief licenses an actual thing? I was not aware of this.
Workman:
Workman: I've said too much already.
Dot: Well, license or no, you're the greatest Thief I know, and nothing can ever change that.
Dot: Don't forget, I didn't notice either, and I really should have.
Dot: We can be failures together.
Dot: Or we can go out there together and figure out who did it.
Workman:
Workman: Yeah. Yeah, okay, you're right. We can do this. If we can kill gods and rip the universe apart, we can find a pair of shoes.
Beasley: Woof!
Dot: That's the spirit.
Dot: Let's go check with the next next nearest Thief.
CHAPTER 5: THEY CHECK WITH THE NEXT NEXT NEAREST THIEF
[ext. A dumpster outside of Gleek Arena]
Eugenia: Hi!
Dot: Hi, Eugenia. Find anything interesting in that dumpster?
Eugenia: Not yet, I just got here. But I'll let you know if I do!
Dot: So you wouldn't happen to have found some shoes, then?
Workman: Specifically Dot’s shoes?
Eugenia: Oh! Yes! I just found them! They’re on Dot’s feet!
Eugenia: Wow that was easy
Dot:
Dot: Have you found any other shoes that belong to me?
Eugenia: Oh. Nope! Why, do you think someone put them in the trash?
Workman: Somebody stole them.
Workman: Not that we're accusing you, of course.
Workman: Even though you’re officially a Thief.
Eugenia: I was just a Thief for several innings! And I only stole Lachlan.
Workman: Once a Thief, always a Thief.
Workman: But seriously we're not accusing you we're just wondering if you've seen them
Workman: I know you'd rather be giving stuff to your friends than stealing from them.
Eugenia: I haven't seen any other shoes around here, no. But you never know what treasures you might find in a garbage heap, so I'll keep looking!
Dot: Eugenia, you're the greatest treasure anyone could ever find in a garbage heap.
Eugenia: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Eugenia: Now I feel bad that I don't have your shoes :(
Eugenia: Good luck finding them if I don't find them first!
Eugenia: Oh also I saw Greer earlier and she was grumbling about you! I know she does that every day, but maybe this time she could have been grumbling about plans to steal your shoes? I didn’t actually hear what she was saying but you might want to investigate.
Dot: Hmm. Interesting. Thank you, Eugenia.
CHAPTER 6: A LOTT OF TROUBLE
Dot: Greer did you take my shoes
Greer: Patterson why would I ever want to go near anything that touched your gross ugly sweaty squid feet????? Ew
Dot: They're my best pitching shoes and I perform better when I'm wearing them.
Greer:
Greer: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT EARLIER I WOULD HAVE STOLEN THEM MYSELF
Workman: Well, Greer clearly didn't take them.
Dot: We should move on, then.
Greer: Hey! Where are you going?
Greer: PATTERSON! DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!
Dot: Hmm? Sorry, Greer, you're breaking up. I'm los--g m- con---tion -ith th-- dim-nsi--
Greer: GODDAMMIT PATTERSON STOP USING YOUR DIMENSIONAL NONSENSE TO AVOID--
CHAPTER 7: A BRIEF INTERDIMENSIONAL DETOUR
Dot: Phew, that was close.
Workman: Where even are we?
Dot: I don't know, I just went to the closest universe I could--
Dot: Oh
Dot: Oh god
Greer???: What the hell?
Big Greer: Patterson what are you doing here?
Bigger Greer: Who let you in?
Greer But Even More Judgmental: Lmao those shoes are so ugly what happened to your slightly less ugly ones
Disturbingly Nice Greer: awwwwwww omg hi Dot it's so lovely to see you <3
Greer With Cat Ears: Nya~
Dot: What have I done
Dot: I accidentally took us to the Greer Dimension
Workman: Why does this place even exist???
Dot: I would really rather not stick around to find out.
CHAPTER 8: THEY DO NOT STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT
[int. Dot and Workman’s apartment again]
Dot: Okay, we’re just going to stay here in this nice safe apartment in this nice relatively normal universe where things make sense until we figure out where we're going next.
Dot: I'm already starting to feel like finding the shoes is not at all worth the trouble.
Workman: Woah, no, we’re not giving up! Nobody steals your shoes and gets away with it!
Workman: Nobody except me and Beasley, of course.
Beasley: Woof!
Dot: Yes. Okay. You're right. We can do this.
Dot: Do you think any of the other Thieves might have done it? You know them better than I do.
Workman: I really can't see them just stopping at your shoes. They'd make a whole big expedition out of it and you wouldn’t be the only Talker left barefoot.
Workman: I think whoever did this targeted you personally. We need to start thinking about a possible motive.
Workman: Who would have a particular reason to steal your shoes, especially your best pitching shoes?
Workman: Anyone who might have a personal vendetta against you?
CHAPTER 9: WHO WOULDN’T LIKE POLKADOT PATTERSON, REALLY
Dot: Well
Dot: There are all the pitchers I've beaten, especially in the most notable duels or in the games they most wanted to win.
Dot: All the batters I've struck out, especially the ones who have been around the longest and been struck out by me so many times they've lost count.
Dot: Many people from other universes who were less than pleased about me passing through, though I doubt they would be able to find their way here.
Dot: Some of my former teammates who resent my success, as well as those who justifiably haven't entirely forgiven me for the way I acted back when I thought dealing with the blessing would be easier if I just shut everyone out.
Dot:
Dot: Also that one guy in the crowd who used to go to my games and heckle me.
Dot:
Dot: That may have been a bunch of different people actually
Dot:
Dot: I admit I have no idea where to start here
Dot: Maybe where it all began?
CHAPTER 10: WHERE IT ALL BEGAN
[ext. The Meadow in Kansas City]
PolkaDot Zavala: What the fuck are you doing here
Dot: I
Dot: I didn't think it was possible to say that word in a cyndakip fic
Dot: How did you do that
Workman: Maybe the normal rules don't apply in something so full of shenanigans that it's clearly non-canon?
PDZ: Literally what the fuck are you talking about
Dot: Does that mean…
CHAPTER 11: EVERYONE SAYS FUCK
Dot: FUCK
Workman: FUCK
Beasley: BARK
PDZ: What the actual fuck is going on here
CHAPTER 12: MEANWHILE IN HALIFAX
Lachlan: Well I have a whole lot of food to make so I sure hope nobody else shows up to interrupt--
Greer: HEY LACHLAN
Lachlan: OH GOD WHAT
Greer: Dude I literally kick your door open every time I show up here, I don't know why you're not used to it by now
Lachlan: I don't know, maybe because that's not the kind of thing anyone should ever have to get used to!
Greer: Fine, I'll use the window next time.
Greer: Coward.
Lachlan:
Lachlan: [sigh]
Lachlan: So what do you want?
Greer: Food
Greer: I thought that was obvious.
Lachlan: Right, of course, because god forbid you would admit you actually want to just hang out with a friend!
Greer:
Greer: Anyway can I have food or what
CHAPTER 13: WAIT I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST GOING TO BE A SILLY STORY
PDZ: Can you all stop saying fuck and let me know why you're here already
PDZ: I mean you can keep saying it if you want but only if you also tell me why you're here
PDZ: And what I can do to get you to leave.
Dot: Nice to see you too, Zavala.
Workman: We're looking for Dot’s shoes.
PDZ: And you think I care about this why?
Dot: I don't, really. You just happened to be the first person we ran into.
PDZ: …So you're not accusing me of stealing your shoes?
Dot: No, I didn't mean to imply that I was. Sorry.
PDZ: What, you don't think I'm good enough to steal your shoes? Because I'll never have two complete hands, let alone dozens, and I'll never pitch like you, so you don't think I can even steal a pair of shoes? Well, guess what, if I wanted to steal your shoes, you'd be barefoot for the rest of your life, because you couldn't stop me.
PDZ: I hope you find them just so I can steal them.
PDZ: Asshole.
Dot:
Dot: I'm sorry, Zavala. For everything.
Dot: Of course you could steal my shoes if you wanted to.
Dot: I
Dot: I just assumed you never would.
Dot: You want to succeed on your own terms. I've always believed you can.
Dot: You don't need my best pitching shoes to be good.
Dot:
Dot: I mean, neither do I. But I still want them back.
PDZ: Wait
PDZ: These make you even better at pitching???
PDZ: I can't believe you.
Dot: Well, they don't, really. They're just very comfortable.
Workman: And stylish.
Beasley: Woof!
Workman: And tasty, according to Beasley.
Dot: It's never been about how well I can pitch.
Dot: At least, I don't want it to be.
Dot: I pitch because I love it. I want that to be your reason, too.
PDZ: I hate to break it to you, but my reason is that I'm stuck in this hellsplort because I don't have any stupidly overpowered dimensional nonsense I can use to escape like you did.
Dot: And I wish that wasn't the case. You've always deserved better.
Dot: My freedom is not easy, or complete, but I am fortunate to have it at all.
Dot: Fortunate to be here.
Dot: To still be able to see you.
Dot: I would hate to have left without making things right between us.
Dot: I am trying to be better at things that aren't pitching. Because those things matter more.
PDZ:
PDZ:
PDZ: Yeah okay fine it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying if I got good at pitching and you weren't here to see it. Or to admit that you were wrong about things.
PDZ: And you would be missed. By people.
PDZ: Go find your shoes or whatever
PDZ: And be careful, I thought I heard the Spearmint rustling around in the bushes a while ago.
Dot:
Dot: Thank you, Zav.
PDZ: Yeah. Bye, Pat.
CHAPTER 14: THE ONE THING DOT HAS A GRUDGE ABOUT
Dot: Well, I suppose that could have gone worse.
Dot: While we're here, we should probably investigate some of the other Mints.
Dot: I can think of a few who are inclined to steal things.
Dot: [cough] Marq [cough]
Workman: Marquez Clark did not steal your shoes, Dot.
Dot: HE STOLE YOUR BLOOD, WORKMAN! HE STOLE YOUR BLOOD AND HE ENJOYED IT! HE DIDN'T CARE THAT YOU WERE MY TEAMMATE! HE HURT YOU! I THOUGHT I KNEW HIM AND THEN HE TURNED OUT TO BE A VAMPIRE AND HE HURT YOU! WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE HE MIGHT BE CAPABLE OF?
Dot:
Dot: Sorry. I got a little carried away there.
Dot: But I will never forgive him for his crimes.
Workman: You forgave Jaylen for killing me.
Dot: She didn't mean it.
Workman: Yeah, I know. That's why I forgave her too.
Workman: But it does tend to make things a little awkward when we run into each other.
Dot:
Workman:
Beasley:
Dot: Huh. I almost expected her to show up just then.
Workman: That would have been pretty good comedic timing.
Dot: Well, it's probably for the best that she didn't.
Dot: We should--
Beasley: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Workman: Oh shit is that the Spearmint?
Dot: RUN
[exit, pursued by the Spearmint]
CHAPTER 15: MEANWHILE IN THE HELLMOUTH
Simon: Hey did you hear somebody stole Dot’s shoes?
Howell: Woah really?
Simon: Yeah
Howell: Damn I wish we'd thought of that
CHAPTER 16: ALSO MEANWHILE IN THE HELLMOUTH
Joe: ah man I wish I wasn't stuck in this peanut shell in the shadows or I’d totally steal Dot’s shoes. I bet nobody's thought of that yet
CHAPTER 17: THEY HAVE SOME DOWN TIME
[int. The Core]
Dot: Thank goodness we managed to escape the Spearmint!
Dot: I do love how convenient the Core is to get to.
Workman: A lot of places are convenient to get to when you can two-step or use interdimensional powers!
Dot: Think of all the time we're saving by not having to take the bus!
Workman: But all the additional shenanigans and special guest appearances we’re missing out on by not having to take public transit…
Dot: Public transit is great.
Dot: But not as great as interdimensional powers!
Dot: Once you get used to the overwhelming confusion and learn to constantly maintain the intense mental willpower it takes to prevent yourself from slipping away forever from everyone you love, and get over the initial trauma, it’s not so bad.
Dot:
Dot: Oh hey, speaking of interdimensional trauma, there’s Alto!
CHAPTER 18: IT’S ANOTHER POLKADOT, I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU EXPECTED FROM ME
Dot: Alto have you seen my shoes
Alto: Your shoes? You mean the ones I had to fill? And I did such a bad job of it that I got dumped into the Shadows? And then when I came out as a batter I did a bad job of that too? And then I got ripped away from my new home just like my old one and became a Talker and got stuck there because of my allergic reaction and now half the fans call me Dot because they don't actually care who I am, they just want someone to fill your shoes?
Alto: Those shoes?
Dot:
Dot: Genuinely sorry I asked.
Dot: If it makes you feel better, we’re allowed to say fuck now.
Alto: Oh fuck yeah
CHAPTER 19: MEANWHILE IN HALIFAX, THE SEQUEL
Lachlan: Greer no you can't eat--
Eugenia: Hey Lachlan!
Lachlan: All right, how many people are going to show up at my house unannounced today?
Eugenia: Probably more! Who wouldn't want to visit you?
Lachlan: Aww
Lachlan: Wait, how did you get in? You're not the kind of person who kicks open my door instead of knocking.
Eugenia: Oh, Greer broke your door right off the hinges, and it's lying on your front porch! I just walked right in.
Lachlan: [long-suffering sigh] Great. I love it when she does that.
Lachlan: Anyway, not that you aren't welcome here anytime, Eugenia, but why specifically are you here?
Eugenia: Greer texted me and told me you were making food, and she was tired of helping you with it and wanted me to do that instead!
Eugenia: (Also I think she just wanted to see me! I'm whispering because I know she won't admit that.)
Lachlan: Greer.
Greer: What? You expect me to do work ?
Lachlan: I'd settle for “don't tear the door off my house” and “don't eat the measuring spoons”, honestly.
Greer: Why do I even hang out with you
Lachlan: I ask myself the same question every day.
CHAPTER 20: BACK TO THE POLKADOTS PATTERSON
Alto: Anyway, no, I haven't seen your shoes.
Alto: I could ask the other Mechs, though? I'm sure that even if they haven't seen them, they can come up with some way to get them back.
Dot: That would be wonderful, thank you. It would save us some time.
Dot: As much as I would love to drop in on the others, I have a suspicion we have plenty of other places to go.
Alto: Yeah, I get it.
Alto: Must be nice to be so popular that you have no idea who might have stolen your shoes.
Alto: Or just to have people care enough to steal your shoes at all.
Workman: Are you sure you can't relate to that second one?
Alto: What?
Alto: [looks down]
Alto: Aw, Workman, you didn't!
Workman: :)
Alto: :)
Dot: :)
Beasley: :)
Alto: …Can I have them back now though
Workman: Oh yeah of course
CHAPTER 21: ALTO GETS THEIR SHOES BACK
Dot: Anyway, we should probably get going, we have a lot of people to ask about shoes.
Alto: Me too, apparently. See you later.
[Exit Alto]
Dot: So, maybe next we could--
Dot: Wait
Dot: Is that…
CHAPTER 22: WELL THIS IS AWKWARD
Jaylen: HOLY FUCKING SHIT DOT I'M ALLOWED TO SWEAR NOW. THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING DAY OF MY CURRENT LIFE. FUCK
Workman:
Jaylen:
Workman:
Jaylen:
Jaylen: Oh
Jaylen: Uh
Jaylen: Hey Workman
Workman: Hey
Jaylen: How's it going?
Workman: Not bad
Jaylen: Same
Workman:
Jaylen:
Workman: Oh woah that alley looks suspicious! Maybe the shoes are there! C’mon, Beasley, let's go check!
Beasley: Woof…
Jaylen:
Dot:
Jaylen:
Dot:
Jaylen: Sorry about. Uh. All that.
Dot: We've been over this. None of it was your fault. They don't blame you either.
Jaylen: Still. I don't think it ever gets easy to talk to the person who threw the pitch that killed you, even if you're not dead anymore.
Dot: No.
Dot: But it doesn't get easy to talk to the person you were forced to mark for death, either.
Dot: I understand.
Dot: I could do nothing to stop it, either.
Dot: You know I will talk to you anytime you need it.
Dot: You're my friend. We've been through some similar things. They understand that.
Jaylen:
Jaylen: Yeah
Jaylen: Thanks
Jaylen:
Dot:
Dot: So. How is retirement treating you?
Jaylen: I have to say, it's pretty nice to be able to go wherever I want, whenever I want, instead of being dragged around by the feedback.
Dot: The Core is a nice choice.
Jaylen: They were always good to me here. They never saw me at my worst.
Dot: I did.
Jaylen: Yeah. You did.
Jaylen: Thanks for sticking around anyway.
CHAPTER 23: MEANWHILE IN THE SUSPICIOUS ALLEY
???: Aha! Fools! You have stumbled into my clever trap! Prepare for--
Workman: Hey Spears
Spears:
Spears: GOD
Spears: DAMN IT
Workman: What are you doing here?
Workman: I mean, I know lurking in the shadows is your favourite hobby.
Workman: But why here specifically?
Spears: I must always keep up my stealth! No one expects me to be in the Core, for I am as unpredictable as the wind that howls across the ocean at night, prepared to strike from any distance at any time!
Spears:
Spears: Also I just thought I'd stop by and visit Alto on my way to Hot Topic.
CHAPTER 24: MEANWHILE IN HALIFAX, THE TRILOGY
Ziwa: Hey
Eugenia: ZIWA! <3
Ziwa: Hi Eu <3
Lachlan: Why did you both just say “less than three”?
Ziwa: Hey, Lachlan. I heard we were having a team gathering?
Ziwa: Usually I'm the one who organizes these things.
Ziwa: And usually they’re at least a little more organized.
Ziwa: But thanks for this.
Lachlan:
Lachlan: Yeah. Sure. Okay. It's not like I had anything else planned for today. The entire team might as well show up.
Lachlan: I'll just make more food. No big deal.
Greer: Oh, right, that's why I hang out with you.
CHAPTER 25: ONE DEEP HEARTFELT OFFSCREEN CONVERSATION BETWEEN RETIRED STAR PITCHERS WHO HAVE BEEN USED BY THE GODS LATER
Dot: That was an excellent conversation.
Jaylen: It sure was.
Dot:
Jaylen:
Jaylen: Well, I should probably go before Workman and Beasley get back.
Jaylen: Good luck finding your shoes.
Dot: Thank you.
[Exit Jaylen]
Workman: What a coincidence, we’re back now!
Beasley: Woof!
Workman: And check out these shoes! They're not the ones we were looking for, but they're shoes!
Dot: I would ask whose they are, but I know the answer is now “ours”.
Workman: Damn right.
Dot: Well, I guess we should head out? As much as I would love to linger in the Core, we may have a lot of places to visit.
Dot: I doubt anyone here stole my shoes, so if we want to make good time, it would be ideal if we don’t run into anyone else on our way back Up.
CHAPTER 26: THEY LITERALLY RUN INTO SOMEONE ELSE
Shirai: OOF
Dot: OOF
Workman: OOF
Beasley: WOOF
Shirai: Sorry about that! Had to make a quick getaway Down and didn't have time to look where I was going. You know how it is with debt collectors.
Dot: I don't, actually.
Dot: But no worries.
Dot: I don't suppose you saw my shoes while you were up there?
Shirai: Nah, sorry, I was kind of preoccupied. Did you lose them?
Workman: Someone stole Dot’s best pitching shoes, and we’re trying to figure out who.
Shirai: Oh, now that's exciting! Do you need to go undercover to get them back? I can whip up some costumes for you! Heck, I'd love to help track them down myself, but I think I should lay low for a while.
Dot: Undercover? I hadn't considered that possibility. Hopefully it won't come to that.
Shirai: Oh, wait, I could just make you even better pitching shoes instead! That would be more of a fun challenge. Let me know what colour you want them to be, and the style, and--
Dot: No, no, I couldn't possibly ask you to do that. You already put so much work into my gloves so I could pitch properly again. Don't trouble yourself.
Shirai: Okay, but consider this: I would have so much fun with it.
Workman: I’m sure you would, but it's also a matter of pride, Shirai. We have to find those shoes. We can't just let them get away with it, whoever they are.
Dot: You can make the shoes if you really want to, and I would be happy to wear them. But only if you want to.
Shirai: Hell yeah I want to.
Shirai: You sure you don't want to go undercover? Because I can make stuff for that too.
Dot: We’ll let you know if we do, I promise.
Workman: Hmm, undercover… that's kind of the Spies’ specialty, too. It might be worth checking Houston next.
Dot: Yes, plus they might have some information we don't. The problem will be actually getting them to tell us.
Shirai: I mean, they’re your shoes. Unless the Spies stole them themselves, they should really tell you.
Shirai: Anyway, I'd better get going, I have shoes to make!
Shirai:
Shirai: Also if you see any debt collectors along the way, tell them I went to Ohio or something to throw them off my trail
Workman: Will do.
CHAPTER 27: COMMISSIONER VAPOR REVEALS THE LOCATION OF THE SPIES’ SECRET HEADQUARTERS
[int. a currently undisclosed location in Houston]
CV: Hey Vape Nation! Looks like we've got some super-special guests joining us right here at [REDACTED]! Can I get a pog in the chat?
Dot: CV
Dot: CV you can't just say that on stream
CV: What, pog?
Dot: No I think you can say that
Dot: Whatever that means
Dot: But you just revealed the location of the Spies’ secret headquarters to everyone.
CV: Nah dude it's fine, they move all the time! Usually not long after I mention where they are. Great timing!
Workman: Yeah, uh... they're probably moving because you mention it. You really shouldn't say anything about where you are.
CV:
CV:
CV: Oh
CV: Can I at least say fuck?
Workman: Fuck yeah you can.
CHAPTER 28: COMMISSIONER VAPOR SAYS FUCK
CV: FUCK
CHAPTER 29: COMMISSIONER VAPOR SAYS SOME OTHER THINGS
CV: Wait
CV: How did you even get in here? This place has, like, ridiculous levels of security.
Workman: I'll never tell.
Workman: Though maybe it's for the best they're moving, if their security system couldn't stop me. Hopefully they can learn from this for their own sakes.
Workman:
Workman: It'll also make it more of a fun challenge next time.
Dot: Everyone certainly does seem to love their fun challenges lately.
CV: So… maybe you should tell them? So they can improve things next time?
Workman:
Workman: Nah.
CV: Well, that's it for today's stream! Tune in next time when I count down “Top 10 reasons why you shouldn't be mad at CV for revealing top-secret information!”
CV: See you later, Vape Nation!
Dot:
Dot: I kind of forgot we were still on stream.
CV: And you still are! I haven't turned it off yet, because you guys (gn) need to sign off too!
CV: Also we're gonna raid Jenkins.
Dot: Uh
Dot: What should I say?
CV: Anything!
Dot: I sincerely apologize to the Houston Spies for any trouble we may have caused. And to the other viewers, uh… totes yeet? Quite poggers? Is that what the kids are saying these days? Pwned FTW, yo?
CV: (oh god this was a mistake)
CV: (this is worse than being yelled at by the Spies)
CV: (cringe)
Beasley: Woof!
Workman: Couldn't have said it better myself. Goodbye.
CHAPTER 30: OH RIGHT THEY NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD CV WHY THEY WERE THERE
CV: Your shoes? I haven't seen them.
CV: I think if the Spies had a plan to steal your shoes they’d involve me, because I know you better than any of them do!
CV: Also I would have streamed it and it would have been totally sick
CV: Anyway I think if they actually had any information about your shoes they would contact you.
CV: And I'm sure they have methods of tracking them down, but now is… maybe not the best time to ask them?
CV: Actually I think we should probably leave.
CV: Go to some location that's actually supposed to be disclosed
CV: Like Yellowstone!
Workman: Hmm. I wonder why you would specifically pick that place.
CV: Because they can use magic to help you!
CV: (alsoJesúsisthereandIreallymisshim)
Dot:
Dot: That is a good point, actually. They may be able to help us.
Workman: It's worth a try.
CHAPTER 31: ASSA THIEF ABBA SHOES
[ext. Yellowstone National Park]
CV: YO JESÚS
Jesús: CV are you only here so the Spies can't yell at you for revealing the location of their secret headquarters again?
CV:
CV: Haha, no… of course not…
CV: I just really wanted to see you!
Jesús: I just saw your stream where you revealed the location of the Spies’ secret headquarters again.
CV: Fuck
CV: Okay yes I'm here so the Spies can't yell at me for revealing the location of their secret headquarters again
CV: But also I just really wanted to see you!
CV:
CV: Also Dot’s shoes got stolen and we were wondering if you could help us magically find them.
CV: Did I mention I really wanted to see you?
Dot: We understand if you're busy, though. No pressure.
Jesús: [sigh]
Jesús: Okay, I would love to help. I really would. But I'm still pretty new to this whole Magic thing. I don't know how to do locator spells yet.
Jesús: I'm sure someone else around here could do it, though? I could ask--
Workman: Oh hey is that Chorby Short?
CHAPTER 32: OH HEY IT’S CHORBY SHORT
Chorby: DOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dot: Oh hey Chorby
Chorby: I miss when you used to pitch to me :( that was fun!
Dot: It was, wasn't it?
Chorby: Maybe you could do it again, just for old times’ sake?
Chorby: Please?
Dot: Well…
Dot: I suppose I could.
Dot: Just a few pitches.
Chorby: :D
CHAPTER 33: FOUL BALL. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
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Foul ball. 0-2.
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Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
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Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
Foul ball. 0-2.
CV:
Jesús:
CV: This is going to take a while, isn't it?
Jesús: Probably, yeah.
CV:
Jesús:
CV: Do you want to go see what Lachlan's up to?
Jesús: Yeah that sounds good
INTERMISSION: SPEARS GOES TO HOT TOPIC
Spears: Ah, at long last, my quest is nearly complete! The end is finally in sight! I shall--
Employee: Woah excuse me sir but you can't bring weapons into this store
Employee: How
Employee: How did you even get past mall security
Spears: Hah! They were no match for me!
Spears: Uh
Spears: To be clear I didn't kill them or anything I was just really stealthy
Employee:
Employee: Well okay but you still can’t bring weapons into the store.
Spears: [sigh]
Spears: I am not bringing weapons into the store.
Spears: This is one weapon.
Spears: I understand if you also want to count both my psychic powers and my genius tactical skills as weapons, but I literally can't leave those behind
Spears: Unless you are willing to try and wrestle this spear from me and use it to remove my brain
Spears: Which, for your sake, I do not recommend.
Employee:
Employee: Sir I would really feel a lot more comfortable if you did not bring that very large pointy spear into the store
Employee: Also I'm pretty sure it's just illegal.
Employee:
Employee: Wait
Employee: If you're that stealthy and psychic why didn't you just sneak in here anyway
Spears:
Spears:
Spears:
Spears: I don't need to explain myself to you.
Employee: Well, if you're done taking up all my time--
Spears: No! Wait! You must let me in! This is the only store where I feel understood… the only store that can truly match the darkness that has spread within my soul…
Employee: I don't care how sad your tale of woe is, I'm still not letting you bring weapons into my store.
Spears:
Spears: Is that a challenge
CHAPTER 34: MANY FOUL BALLS LATER
[ext. somewhere that isn’t Yellowstone. it doesn’t matter where ok]
Dot: I have to admit I'm kind of surprised even the most senior wizards couldn't locate the shoes.
Dot: They said it was as if there was some kind of force preventing their magic from even getting close…
Dot: What powers could we possibly be dealing with here?
Workman: Nothing we can't handle, I'm sure. There's no way it's anything as powerful as the peanut or the coin, and we've got a pretty good track record there.
Dot: I suppose you're right.
Dot: Wait
Dot: I've never seen this store before.
Dot: Is that…
CHAPTER 35: A PRETTY GOOD CHAPTER
Jenkins: Hello and welcome to Pretty Good Cannons! We've got arm cannons, leg cannons, head cannons, ships’ cannons, canon cannons, non-canon cannons, cannons you can trade in for these really cool greedy lucky socks… you name it, we might have it, as long as it's a cannon!
Dot: I have to admit, those are some really cool socks.
Workman: They look even cooler without the shoes, don't they? I think I did Jenkins a favour there.
Jenkins: Dude it's literally been 20 seconds, how did you --
Jenkins: You know what? No. I don't care. These socks are too cool for shoes. You're right. I totally let you steal my shoes for that reason.
Jenkins: Anyway, not that it isn't great to see you, but what are you doing here? I’m pretty sure you don’t need any cannons, Dot.
Jenkins: (I don't think we even have enough for all your arms…)
Jenkins: But I could practice my best sales pitch on you anyway!
Jenkins: Heh
Jenkins: Pitch
Dot: As much as I would love to stand here and hear you talk about cannons all day, we’re on a mission.
Dot: Someone stole my shoes.
Jenkins: Oh my god
Jenkins: Was it Workman? I bet it was Workman.
Dot:
Dot: Wow. If only I'd thought of that.
Workman: We could have saved so much trouble if you'd just asked me, Dot.
Dot: We wouldn't have had to travel all across the world.
Workman: Or make Lachlan feel inadequate about his shoe stealing abilities.
Dot: Or be chased by the Spearmint.
Workman: Or be ambushed by sad nerds in dark alleys.
Dot: Or reveal the Spies’ secret headquarters.
Workman: Or confront our pasts.
Dot: Or go through the Greer Dimension.
Jenkins: Geez, okay, I get it, Workman didn't steal your shoes.
Jenkins: Wait
Jenkins: There's a Greer dimension? How do I get there?
Dot: What
Jenkins: What
Dot:
Jenkins:
Jenkins: Uh anyway no I haven't seen your shoes sorry
Dot: That's okay. It seems no one has.
Dot: Hang on
Dot: I thought you were streaming, what are you doing here? Since when do you even own a cannon store, anyway?
Jenkins: I am a person of many hobbies!
Jenkins: Like, at least three.
Jenkins: Also technically I co-own it.
[The door to the back room is suddenly flung open, revealing Axel Trololol]
Axel: DOT!
Dot: Oh boy.
CHAPTER 36: MEANWHILE IN HALIFAX, THE… OH, YOU GET THE IDEA
Lachlan: Well, everything’s almost ready! As long as we don't have any more interruptions, we should be good to--
CV: Heeeeeey Lachlan, I heard you were having a party! I made food!
Lachlan:
Lachlan: God has punished me for my hubris.
CHAPTER 37: PRETTY GOOD CANNONS IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY CANNON-RELATED INJURIES THAT MAY OCCUR UPON USAGE OF OUR PRODUCTS
Axel: So you finally stopped by to check out my store!
Dot: Actually I was just looking for my--
Axel: Pretty sweet, isn't it? Just imagine how much better you could pitch with one of these cannons… almost as good as me!
Jenkins: Hey, I'm the Good one around here!
Axel: [laughs but it sounds like a car engine] Always ready with the jokes, this one! You’ve got a Good friend there, Dot.
[Axel gives Jenkins a friendly slap on the back with his cannon arm]
Jenkins: oh god my spine
Axel: Nothing becoming a car can't fix! Did I mention we sell car parts too? If you buy enough we'll even throw in a free cannon!
Dot: I'm actually not looking to buy--
Axel: And I haven't even mentioned our membership program yet! I can sign you up for--
Workman: Axel this all sounds absolutely fascinating and I'm glad you’ve found something to do with your retirement but we're actually here on a mission and we don't have time to buy things. We'll have to come back some other day for that.
Axel: A mission, huh, Worky? Like back when we killed a god together? That was a fun time.
Axel:
Axel: And if you want to kill even more, we've got a special deal on--
Workman: AXEL WE’RE JUST LOOKING FOR DOT’S SHOES OKAY
Axel: Man, what is it with you Shoe Thieves and shoes? Who needs shoes when you can have tires ! They’re way harder to steal, but in case they somehow do get stolen we can offer an extended warranty on--
Jenkins: Okay Axel I know we both love pitching (in this case I mean sales pitching. it's like the joke I made before. get it?) but I think we have to listen to them right now.
Dot: I'm pretty sure Axel’s never listened to me once in his life and I really don't expect him to start now.
Axel: Hmm?
Dot: Case in point.
Jenkins: Honestly I think you should just go before he tries to sell you more things
Jenkins: I mean, I know that's what I'm supposed to be doing too, but I actually value our friendship, so I'm gonna let you go find those shoes instead.
Dot: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Workman: Thanks, Jenkins.
Beasley: Woof!
Jenkins: Have a Good day!
Axel: But if you buy now, you’ll get--
[door slams]
CHAPTER 38: DOT HAS A BAD IDEA
Dot: Well, that was exhausting.
Workman: Not as exhausting as running from the Spearmint.
Dot: True.
Dot: Hmm. Speaking of exhausting…
Dot: I hate to resort to this, but I can think of someone who doesn’t like me and therefore might have a motive.
Dot: And who spent some time as a Thief.
Workman:
Workman: I don’t like where this is going.
CHAPTER 39: WHY WOULD THEY EVEN GO HERE
[int. Bright Zimmerman's house]
Zim: I know I'm unbelievably irresistible, but that really doesn't excuse you breaking into my house.
Zim: How did you even get past my state-of-the-art security system?
Dot: Believe me, we don't want to be here either.
Workman: We were just wondering if you've seen Dot’s shoes.
Zim:
Zim: Who
Workman: …You know, Dot? The person standing right in front of you?
Zim: I thought your name was Workguy or something.
Workman: No, the other person standing right in front of you. You know, Dot? PolkaDot Patterson? My partner? One of the most iconic pitchers of all time? You were teammates for a whole season? Won a championship together and everything?
Zim:
Zim: Never heard of them.
Zim: Also, what would I possibly want with shoes?
Zim: Look at these gorgeous tail fins. I have no need for such pedestrian articles of clothing.
Zim: The only accessories I wear are these four gleaming championship rings.
Zim: Though I can always win more of those, of course.
Dot: …Well, he does have one good point there, at least. It's not as if he could actually use the shoes.
Dot: And due to my retirement, he has no need to be jealous of my performance anymore.
Zim: Hmm?
Zim: You’ve been forced to retire already? Couldn’t have been much of a pitcher, then.
Workman: [eyetwitch]
Workman: (god I wish this guy wore shoes I would steal them so hard)
Beasley: (Woof)
Dot: (I appreciate the sentiment)
Dot: Well, clearly we’re wasting our time here. We should go.
Dot: One thing first, though.
Dot: I know there are a lot of people who would like to say this, and I may never get another opportunity, so…
Dot:
Dot: Fuck you, Bright Zimmerman.
Zim:
Zim: Get out of my house.
CHAPTER 40: THEY GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE
Dot: Well, that was our worst decision yet.
Workman: :)
Dot: You look awfully happy for someone who just interacted with Bright Zimmerman.
Workman: :)
Dot: …You stole his rings, didn't you.
Workman, holding up their now-glittering hand: Hell yeah I did.
[Dot interdimensionally summons their own championship rings so the two of them can have a championship high five]
Dot: Hell yeah.
INTERMISSION 2: SPEARS FINISHES TELLING THE HOT TOPIC EMPLOYEE HIS TALE OF WOE
Spears. And then…
Spears: She was gone.
Employee: [sobbing]
Employee: Oh. Oh my god that's so sad.
Employee: I'm so sorry.
Spears: [sniffle]
Spears: I appreciate that.
Employee: And almost all the readers don't even know about it yet?
Spears: No. This all serves as a vague teaser for an upcoming fic, where it will be shown that my character is surprisingly deep and multifaceted beneath this dramatic act.
Spears: And I'm not even the star of the fic!
Employee: Wow, I can't wait to see that!
Employee: Anyway yeah sure you can head into the store, just walk right through the shattered remains of that fourth wall there
Spears: Thank you, I--
Employee: Wait
Employee: I'm sorry, I can't let you in after all.
Employee: Weapons are one thing, but we have a strict “no shoes, no service” policy.
Spears: What? But I…
Spears: [looks down]
Spears: CURSE YOU, WORKMAN AND BEASLEY GLOOM!
CHAPTER 41: OK TIME TO WIND DOWN THE SHENANIGANS
Dot: Well, it's starting to get late. We might have to call it a day.
Dot: A very, very weird day.
Workman: I'm sorry we couldn't find them today. I really thought I could do it.
Beasley: Woof :(
Dot: It's okay. You both did everything you could. I really appreciate all the help.
Workman: There's still supper at Lachlan's to look forward to, at least. We can regroup there, take a nice break, and come back better than ever. We'll find those shoes, I promise.
Dot: I've never doubted it for a moment.
CHAPTER 42: THE GANG’S PARTLY HERE (THEY'RE NOT ALL HERE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE EXCESSIVE EVEN FOR THIS FIC)
[int. Lachlan's house]
Dot: Oh
Dot: This is a lot of people
Dot: I mean, I could tell Greer was here because the door was lying on the porch.
Dot: But everyone else is a surprise.
Eugenia: Surprise!
CV: Wait, is this a surprise party? I would have been streaming if I knew!
Jesús: I think you've done more than enough streaming today.
Lachlan: [sigh]
Lachlan: No. It's not a surprise party.
Ziwa: If anything, we all surprised you by showing up at your house.
Greer: You're welcome.
Simon: I'm back from the Hellmouth!
Simon: I was invited here, at least.
Spears: They wouldn't let me into Hot Topic… alas, my quest was a failure… I must grow stronger so I can conquer it next time in the name of my lost love! I am here not only to drown my sorrows, but also for sustenance to fuel my next quest!
Alto: You haven't even mentioned her name all fic.
Spears: That would be a spoiler! In due time, the world will know our story.
Nova: Ooh, can I help you conquer Hot Topic in her name next time? That sounds fun!
Spears: Indeed you may, blestie.
Nova: Woo!
Dot: Hang on, since when was Nova involved in any of this?
Nova: idk, I'm just here to have fun and support my blestie Spears in his trying time!
Spears: Not to mention that neither of us got the attention we deserved due to the chaos of recent seasons… does Nova not deserve, at the very least, a cameo after the short time she played? Alas, even that is more than what--
Alto: HEY! SPOILERS!
Dot: Honestly at this point I have no idea what is going on.
Beans: meow
Richmond: [gurgles happily]
Esme: why am I here
Workman: Wow, asking the deep questions, huh?
Workman: That's definitely something I've struggled with a lot more since I came back to life. Why me? Am I really so much more deserving of this second chance than all these other players? Am I--
Esme: YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT I MEANT
Alto: So, you didn't find the shoes?
Dot: No.
Workman: I don't understand it. This shouldn't be so complicated.
Lachlan: Hey, don't worry about it. Happens to the best of us.
Lachlan: Not that I would know from experience.
Simon: You're the best at a lot of non-shoe-related things, though!
Lachlan: Aww, thanks, Comet.
Lachlan: (I don't think that's entirely true, but, thanks)
Simon: (Hey! No self-deprecation! You have many talents and I love you)
Eugenia: (Yeah, Lachlan, you're pretty great!)
Greer: (why are we whispering)
Nova: (I want to talk in brackets too!)
Lachlan: Well, on that note…
Lachlan: I bet you've all been wondering why I gathered you all here today.
Eugenia: Because you love us, and making us food is your way of expressing that!
Greer: You didn't, most of us just kind of showed up.
Lachlan:
Lachlan: Okay, yes, you're both right.
Lachlan: But other than that.
Lachlan: Maybe it's for the best that so many people are here for this announcement.
Lachlan: I wanted you to all know about it sooner or later, but this way a lot of you will know about it sooner.
Simon: damn this sounds serious
Lachlan: Don't worry, it's not.
Lachlan: Just hang on, though. I need to go get something before we start eating.
Greer: is it more food
Lachlan: No
Greer: maybe to YOU it isn't
Lachlan:
[Lachlan leaves and comes back with a shoebox]
Lachlan: Here you go, Dot.
Dot: You got me new shoes? You didn't have to do that. Inviting us over was more than enough.
Lachlan: They're not new.
Workman: You found the shoes? Damn, finding shoes is only a step away from stealing shoes. I'm impressed.
Lachlan: Well, that's the thing, Workman.
Lachlan: I did steal them.
[chorus of disbelieving gasps]
Dot: You What
Lachlan: It was the perfect crime. Nobody would ever suspect ol’ normal guy too-nice-to-steal-shoes Shelton!
Esme: Well yeah that's kind of because you've proven over and over again that you're completely incapable of doing it?
Esme: You don't get good at stealing shoes overnight.
Esme: I bet Simon helped you.
Simon:
Esme:
Simon:
Esme: …Simon?
Simon: [eyes welling up] oh my god Human you actually stole some shoes I love you so much
Esme: wait are you seriously telling me you had nothing to do with this
Simon: No, how could I? I was in the Hellmouth!
Esme: And you didn't even try out our long-distance Hellmouth shoe-stealing plan?
Simon: No!!! I swear I didn't!
Lachlan: Is it really so hard to believe that I finally managed to steal some shoes, and I stole them from someone who’s practically an interdimensional demigod and the two extremely experienced Thieves they live with?
Everyone:
Lachlan: yeah okay that's fair
Greer: Eugenia helped, didn't she.
Lachlan:
Lachlan:
Lachlan: maybe
Dot: Really, Eugenia? You?
Eugenia: I wanted to help Lachlan!
Eugenia: And you, too! Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for your friends is steal their personal belongings so they can have some quality bonding time on the journey to get them back.
Workman: I mean
Workman: I feel like we've already had the chance to have plenty of quality bonding time lately what with us both being retired and all
Workman: But it was still kind of fun.
Dot: Well, if you ignore the near-death experience, and the reminder-of-death experience, and the aggressive sales pitches, and Zim, and the dimension we do not speak of, and…
Dot: Okay yes some of the rest of it was actually quite fun.
Beasley: Woof!
Dot: We certainly got to catch up with a lot of people.
Workman: And we worked well together, even if we didn't find the shoes out there.
Dot: We do make a good team.
[They hold hands. It's very sweet. No romo.]
Beasley: Woof!
Eugenia: See? I knew it was the right thing to do!
Eugenia: I wouldn't have done it otherwise.
Workman: Stealing shoes is always the right thing to do, though.
Eugenia: Good point! If there was anything I learned in my fifteen minutes as a Shoe Thief, it was that.
Spears: Ha! Even a party full of Shoe Thieves can't stop me! You may have fooled me once, but I will not be leaving barefoot this time! I have learned from your tricks, and I have too many tricks of my own! I--
Alto: are we going to let him monologue or are we just going to eat
Spears: Hey! I--
Lachlan: Yeah okay let's eat, I did spend all day making this food.
Lachlan: No thanks to most of you.
Lachlan: But I'll let you eat it anyway because that's what I'm about.
Spears:
Spears: yeah okay fine let's just eat
Spears: I will monologue later.
Nova: Not if I monologue first!
Spears: Nova, if you monologue first, I will be monologuing later.
Spears: That's how chronology works.
Nova: Oh! Good point.
Nova: Hehe. Point. Spears. Get it?
Alto: Yeah yeah we're all very sharp
Alto: I think we've dragged this out long enough.
Alto: Really lost track of the narrative here.
Dot: I'm not sure if “two people and a dog ask everyone about shoes” is much of a narrative, honestly.
Workman: Well, I had fun with it.
Beasley: Woof!
Lachlan: I'm honestly not sure if I even proved myself with this…
Simon: Hey, you've got nothing to prove. We all love you no matter if you can steal shoes or not.
Esme: Well, love might be a bit of a stretch, but--
[Workman elbows her]
Esme: Thanks for the food, Lachlan.
Dot: And thank you for the adventure. It was… an experience.
Workman: And thanks for returning the shoes.
Workman: Even though we definitely would have figured it out sooner or later.
Esme: Keep telling yourself that.
Workman: I will, thank you :)
Lachlan [sigh] All right, it's been a long, chaotic, eventful day. Let's all relax and have some food.
Esme: fucking finally
Greer: wait are you telling me that all this time we've been able to say f--
THE END