Chapter Text
Theo,
I got to Italy alright. Excuse my handwriting, I'm writing this on my fathers boat, in the dark. The current in the dock is still for the sea, but a bit strong for writing.
I haven't returned to Nonna's yet. I'm not ready. I don't think I can face her. My mother wrote something for her, I'm sure she'll explain it all, but still...
Wish me luck,
Blaise
Blaise,
Yeah, most people don't take that kind of news well. You don't need luck, I'm sure you'll wheedle your way out of it, you're already batting two for two on that one after all. Tell me how it goes.
Cordially,
Theo.
Blaise,
You can't avoid my questions forever.
What happened?
Curiously,
Theo.
Blaise,
You haven't forgotten about me, have you?
Impatiently,
Theo.
Blaise,
I swear to Circe if you do not answer me immediately I will find my way over there and shake the answers out of you myself.
Very Impatiently,
Theo
Blaise,
I am becoming quite cross with you. Answer my letters already.
Irritated,
Theo.
Blaise,
It's been five days since I've heard from you. You didn't drown, did you?
Growing Concerned,
Theo.
Blaise,
I am going to send a letter to your mother if you do not answer by Monday. That is a threat.
Theo.
Theo,
No, I am well and whole, just a bit out of it. Time has been stuttering by like nothing. I'll fill you in soon.
Hastily,
Blaise
Blaise,
Fine, but just know I am not happy about it. Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?
Theo.
Theo,
Sorry to keep you waiting, of course I think about you. How have you been? How is your summer so far? I miss you.
Regretfully,
Blaise
You got me fooled. Have you ever tried acting like it?
I'm sorry, really and truly. It's been a weird week.
For me and you both. How did it go with your grandmother?
What's been going on?
Don't try to change the subject, you sly dog. You still haven't told me how your grandmother took the news.
Well enough, I think. Better than I expected. She wasn't too angry. For me, yes, but not at me. Well, maybe a little bit at me. She thought I was hasty.
I'm sure you'll agree with that part, but not so much the next. You'll never believe what she said. You'll probably hate this, but I'll tell you anyway. She said, and I quote: death is an agony that can only be felt once, there are far greater pains to bestow someone.
After that it devolved into a long talk on astronomy. I won't bore you with the details.
What's going on over there?
She's right. You could have made him suffer far more, for far longer, in a way that wouldn't risk a life sentence to Azkaban.
She wasn't there. You weren't either. You have no idea how much he suffered.
Then tell me.
No.
Why not?
I don't want to talk about it. Suffice to say it was bad enough.
No such thing. Whatever happened, he could have suffered longer if he lived.
I'm not so sure about that.
Let me be the judge of that then.
I'd really rather just forget it, if it's all the same to you.
It's not. What happened?
I fucked up and he died and it was messy and now I am in exile so I don't get in the way of the alibi my mother is weaving. What else is there to say?
How messy is messy?
Real messy. We'll probably have to get rid of the rug.
That's not very illustrative.
I know. Trust me, you are better off not knowing.
Very well. Whatever. I didn't need to be there to know you killed him too quickly.
What happened to all that talk of mercy?
I never once said he deserved mercy, in fact I know I told you I wanted him to suffer for what he did.
Then you should be satisfied. He suffered. What's your problem?
What's my are you fu you My problem was and remains that you were so wrapped up in your revenge fantasy that you would risk abandoning me. And I was right.
Better Italy than Azkaban, at least.
It was never about abandoning you!
No, that was just an unfortunate, unconsidered, completely unforeseen byproduct of your rash actions. It's not like someone warned you every time it came up or anything like that.
You didn't tell me that's what you were worried about!
I shouldn't have to!
Maybe, but you could have. It would have saved us both a lot of trouble, you know. Keep that in mind next time you try to convince me of something, yeah?
I suppose I forgot how stubborn you are. It's like you're wearing blinders. You're not a mule, so stop acting like an arse.
Funny, Blinky said the same thing.
You ever stop to consider we have a point?
Yeah, that's becoming pretty obvious in hindsight.
I wish you could have come to this realization before you left me here alone.
I wish you told me that's what you were actually worried about, instead of hiding behind all this talk of morality and consequences.
If the morality or the consequences wouldn't stop you, then why would that?
Have you considered that I care about you more than I care about morals?
Why w No, that would be selfish.
Be selfish. I'm selfish too. I don't care.
I don't want you to see me that way.
I want to see you for who you are, not the masks you put up for your reputation. You can keep that charade of moral purity up around everyone else, but not me.
It's not a charade.
I suppose not. I know that is a genuine side of you, but you don't have to hide the other sides of you from me either.
What if I'm hiding them from me, too?
You can't hide from yourself forever. Trust me on that one. It hasn't worked out that well for me.
It's different.
It's not. You can't put parts of yourself in a box and shove them away forever. They'll come after you eventually, and they only get more sneaky and desperate the more you ignore them.
I'm not ignoring them. I'm keeping an eye on it.
You can't outrun yourself forever.
Watch me.
I will. Closely. If you want to hide from yourself, fine, but you don't get to hide from me.
Assuming you're still around to hide from.
I will be.
You aren't now.
I'm sorry.
I know. That doesn't bring you back though.
I'll be back soon, just a couple months okay?
A lot can happen in a couple months.
Like what?
Theo what is that supposed to mean?
What's going on?
Theo?
Zabini,
You best hope this letter finds you before I do.
Mother told me why you left. I do hope your grandmother is in good health. Please extend the Malfoy family's best wishes and the full force of our aide, should she need it.
Now where exactly do you get the nerve to up and disappear without even a goodbye? Are they selling it at the secondhand shop? Because I have never seen that in any reputable establishment.
An Irish goodbye simply is not a good look on you. You're not even Irish! I've seen you and your mum make the rounds after the Gala. I KNOW an Italian goodbye is a minimum of two hours and stops in every single room between you and the exit, so really why couldn't you bother to tell me?
First, you flake on practice sessions, then you're hours late every time, and that's when you decide to grace us with your royal presence without putting me in the thoroughly plebeian position of dragging you out of your little hidey hole. But this? This is a new low, even for you.
Theo also told me about the letter box, hence me sending this to him instead of straight to you. Would've been better to hear it from the man himself, but I suppose I must make do with scraps. I cannot believe you found time to see him but not me! Would it really have been so hard to bid adieu? You couldn't find twenty extra minutes to come calling? Here, let me show you how easy it could be.
Hey Malfoy, I'm going to abandon you this summer with the nerd and the dunderheads, good luck training to join the quidditch team!
See how easy that could have been? I cannot believe I must walk you through the same etiquette lessons we both received from my illustrious mother many years ago. She would be ashamed, Zabini, do you hear me? I am wounded, truly.
What am I supposed to do now? I can't very well train for chaser without you! How am I going to show up Potter without you here to practice against? You know no one else can keep up with me! I'm going to have to play against Greg AND Vince to make up for your absence!
I suppose I'll have to make do with nothing but my own wiles, which are bountiful as you know. For example, I used them to find this brilliant charm!
(The next page contains a crudely drawn comic of what has to be Draco, who true to form drew himself with a pointy nose and slick back hair. At least he's self aware. He drew Blaise with a wild mop of curls on the top of his head and a big honking roman nose. That prat. Draco is on a broom, and so is Blaise. Draco throws the quaffle at his head and Blaise's eyes turn to Xs as he cries and it bounces off his head.)
I know, I know, it's quite advanced and I DO have a talent for capturing our essence and distilling it into the fewest possible lines, thank you I agree.
My only option is to focus on becoming the Slytherin seeker, of course. All the better to show up Potter, and pay you back for abandoning me. Guess you'll have to make do with Pucey as a second. I know this will be thoroughly miserable for you. Good.
Write me back, you absolute prat. You can't just leave me like this!!
Yours truly,
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Heir apparent to the House of Malfoy
Malfoy,
I hope you find your big boy words before I do, because I'd dare guess you miss me.
Trust me, I miss practicing with you more than you do. It just isn't summer without a few tournaments. Worse yet, I can't even fly here! I'm surrounded by muggles and it's too small to have any privacy. I'm landlocked for the rest of the summer.
Well.... I suppose being on the coast isn't quite landlocked now, is it? I'll be spending a lot of time in the water instead of the air. I found my father's old boat, so I'll be fixing that up and hopefully hitting the high seas soon enough. And by that I mean the waters between here and Sardinia that are safe enough to nap on. Plus the cove is perfect for swimming. Hell, if I do it just right I'm sure it'll help me fly better too. I mean, being suspended in water is almost as good, right? Swimming is good conditioning too, so don't worry I'll be ready to go head to head when I see you.
Better get to training, blondie, because I'm coming for your head.
Blaise Middlename Zabini
Heir apparent to an old boat
P.S. Thank you for the offer, but I am not sure what else we could do. She has lived a full life, and it has been well supplied by my mother's potions. She is as well as she can be, considering her age.
Theo,
I know you're there. You wouldn't be able to pass on Draco's letters if you weren't. What's going on?
Please reply, you're worrying me.
I would have no idea how that feels. It's not like you ignored me for a week or anything like that. That would be ridiculous, of course, a good friend such as yourself would never leave me high and dry like that.
Okay, you've made your point. I'm really sorry about that, my head wasn't screwed on quite right.
Was it ever?
Nah, not really, which makes this a bit more severe.
...
Come on, the silent treatment won't work on me.
Blaise,
I don't have anything to say to you right now.
Coldly,
Theodore Nott.
You can tell me whatever's on your mind. Even if you just want to curse me out, it's fine. Just talk to me. Please?
Heir Zabini,
No, thank you. I'd rather not irreparably taint our friendship, as I'm not sure it can take both of our best attempts.
Heir Nott.
Please trust me when I say nothing I have done was intended to hurt you.
I know. But it did and continues to do so, so we must live with it.
What is going on over there? You still haven't told me a single thing about your summer so far. Are you okay? Is your grandfather treating you right? Are you eating enough? What are you up to?
No, no, no, and nothing.
Care to expand on that? What is going on?
Please talk to me Theo, I can't help from here if you don't let me in.
Theo?
Please?
Fine. Guess I'll just have to do all the talking instead. No matter what delusion you may be suffering, I had and continue to have no intention of abandoning you.
You can test that all you want, because you're not shaking me off that easily.
Stubbornly,
Blaise
Theo,
I've started working on my father's boat. He used to be a fisherman. I don't know if I've ever told you that. It's still hard to I don't like It hur It's just been sitting in the harbor for the past five years since he di I moved.
It's in pretty bad shape. It still floats, but not much else. Most of the equipment is too rusty to use, the engine wouldn't even turn, and the hull is in shambles. It's absolutely covered in barnacles. Have you ever had barnacle soup? Me neither. I don't recommend it.
Queasily,
Blaise
Theo,
The forest is lovely this time of year. It's in full bloom. I've got the makings of a full mundane apothecary. I don't think I'll have to buy all that many ingredients this year. I'm working on distilling some of them, especially the murtlap and ditany I got from the forbidden forest. It takes months to do it right, though, and it takes even longer since I had to dry them before I left. Oh well, I suppose I've got time.
Let me know if you need anything, okay?
Blaise
Theo,
My mother's old wild patches that she cultivated while we lived here have run wild. It seems like most of the people who live here are too scared to go into the forest, or maybe completely unaware of what they're looking at. Probably a combination of the two, of course. They're muggles, after all, it's not like they take herbology classes.
Then again, it's not like you need an herbology class to identify chamomile though. It's in most of their tea bags, in the disgusting powdery form that muggles sell in the guise of tea.
Whatever. Their loss. No wonder Ma did so well, everyone here is absolutely clueless. I honestly don't know what they do without her. Probably walk around all day with headaches all day.
Speaking of, here's a headache reliever. Don't take it on an empty stomach.
Love,
Blaise
Theo,
I finally finished fixing up the boat! I'll be hitting the seas today.
Blaise,
Be careful.
I always am!
I can't tell if you're delusional or lying.
Definitely delusional.
You're ridiculous.
Yeah, but it made you laugh, didn't it?
...
yeah.
Don't worry mate, I won't go too far, and I don't go out if it's raining or the tide is unfavorable. My fa I was taught well, you know.
Whatever you say. Just know that if you can't come back because you got too cocky and drown, I will never forgive you.
Duly noted. I miss you too, by the way.
Good.
Did you doubt that?
Yes.
Well I won't let that happen again. I'll be here to irritate you every day, okay?
Good. You're quite skilled at it.
Of course I am, I practice religiously.
Theo,
Good morning, I'm back!
Did you know house elves are fae? I didn't. Not until Nonna kicked Blinky out of the house on principle.
Chagrined,
Blaise
Blaise,
Yes, I did. Blinky still doesn't trust you to handle yourself, does she? I must agree with her. You're lucky to have her, she's got your back.
With great exasperation,
Theo.
well.... It's not so much an issue of trust, not now at least.
Really? Do you think your mother sent her to keep an eye on you?
No, it's just that I we she said she cannot be that far from me.
Why not?
She's tied to my magic.
You bound Blinky to you?
Not on purpose!! I think she bound me to her, she's the one who started it!
And you agreed? Blindly?
I thought she was just being nice!
How could you possibly mistake that for What were the terms?
"Master Blaisey belongs to Blinky as much as Blinky belongs to Master Blaisey."
A fully reciprocal bond? How exactly could you agree without the slightest inkling of the gravity of that?
Dunno. I thought she was just trying to comfort me. It was quite sweet.
When did this happen?
-After The day we returned to Hogwarts after yule break.
So she I see. Sounds like she wanted to be able to keep a closer eye on you aft . She should be able to sense you now, and doesn't need to be called to come to your side. I guess that explains her appearance after that little forest adventure you went on with Draco.
Oh come off it, it was hardly an adventure.
You two went traipsing about the forest looking for unicorns while I sat in the dorm worried sick. That sounds like an adventure to me.
Okay, if you insist on the semantics, sure it was an adventure.
You're lucky she had your back.
Yeah, I know.
I really can't believe you had no idea this whole time. You should have felt the magic snapping into place, at least.
I did. It feels like linen and smells like her blueberry scones.
Yeah, that does sound like her.
How is Mimsy doing? Is she treating you well?
I haven't seen her since my first night back, but I assume she is still alive somewhere around here.
Why not?
Theo?
Come on, I know you're there!
You can't just disappear when it's your turn to share!
Why won't you talk to me?
Theo,
Now that I've finished repairing the boat, I've started fishing. It's good to have something keeping me occupied. Nonna says idle hands do not suit me.
I'm selling them too, naturally. No point in wasting them. I tried to give them to someone for free but they got really offended. Something about pity and charity.
Everyone knows me here and they keep giving me these weird looks. It's really lonely here. Even my old friends look at me weirdly.
I'm constantly surrounded by reminders of what my life could have been, both the good and bad. It would have been nice to grow up with Nonna, and all my old friends. As it is, we've grown too far apart to really even spend time together. It's weird, I didn't realize this stopped being home until I came back.
Melancholically,
Blaise
Theo,
I've outgrown this place. My bedroom is suffocating. I'm either out at sea, in the forest, or in my trunk. Nothing is the same. I thought I missed this place, but turns out I miss a memory I'll probably never get back.
People don't look at me as weird now that I'm working. I think they think I'm some spoiled pompous arsehole now that I've made it out of here. They just want everyone to be as miserable and trapped as they are, honestly. It's... uncomfortable. My pendant constantly burns. The weight of envy hangs heavily over everyone here. Myself, especially. Everyone seems to agree I've got it too good now.
Maybe I do.
I can't wait to come back home.
I'm glad Ma got us out of here. As much as it hurt at the time, I'm better off there.
Who else?
Blaise.
Blaise,
I'm glad too. You are wasted on them. You're too good for that place. You belong here.
Selfishly,
Theo.
Theo,
Please talk to me. How are you? What's going on over there?
I miss you.
Love,
Blaise
Blaise,
You wouldn't say that if you were in my company. Then again, if you were in my company, we wouldn't be having this problem.
You don't want to know what I want to say to you.
Love,
Theo.
Theo,
I know well enough, and I don't care. I told you you can be as mad as you want. Just don't shut me out.
Theo,
Please.
Blaise,
No. I'm doing you a favor, really.
No, you're just making it harder to be there for you.
You're better off without me.
You can't honestly believe that, I most certainly am not!
You're better off not seeing me like this, then.
I want to see you however you are, not for anything you're pretending to be for my comfort.
You wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.
I don't mind you being mad at me, or telling me what's on your mind, no matter how bad it is. You'll always be my best friend, no matter what.
You don't know that.
I do. It's been weeks of this and that hasn't changed anything.
Nothing you can see.
I can only see what you show me. Please just talk to me.
I can't.
Why not?
Theo?
Come on.
You can't keep shutting me out like this!
I'll be back eventually and then you'll have even more to catch me up on!
Fine. I'm going to bed.
Zabini,
Don't you dare pick up Davis's godforsaken nickname for me. I am more than my gorgeous, perfect hair, as you well know.
You're a right cocky git, aren't you? There's no way you have a chance in hell of winning, not over me! You can't even fly for the next few months! You'll be rusty and I'll be at the top of my game. I'll be ready, just you wait, I'll crush you! What's worse, you'll deserve it, you heartless deserter.
What did you say to Theo? He's been in a right state since you've left, all sullen and silent. I haven't seen him like this since... well, since before you moved here. I think his grandfather is getting to him. You know how he is. I try to get Theo out of that dreadful house as much as possible, but it doesn't work too well. Doesn't help that he'd rather read and smoke than fly with me. I don't know how he stands it, honestly just the smell gives me a headache.
Whatever happened, you better fix it before I get my hands on you. Not only have you sabotaged my training, but you've also left our dear Theodore in dire straits.
Your long suffering friend,
Draco Lucius Malfoy
P.S. Send him some of that lung tonic while you're at it, his cough is starting to sound like a hack.
P.P.S. I know it is bad form and you will have to forgive my breach of etiquette, but just how old is your grandmother? A full life by wizarding standards is quite the feat indeed.
Theo,
I'm glad to know you're well enough to pass on messages, at least. I can only guess at the rest of your state, though, if you keep ignoring me.
Concerned,
Blaise
Theo,
How are you doing on potions? I've taken the liberty of restocking the usuals, bruise paste in the tub, skin knitting tincture in the dropper, and a lung tonic in the vial. I've also been experimenting with tea blends, you should try this one out! I think you'll like it. Peppermint, chamomile, camellia, mullein and lotus leaf. It might loosen some things up so make sure you have tissues around.
I know you can make your own herbal blends, but it always tastes better if it's made by someone else, right? Just like food tastes better off your plate! Speaking of, Nonna made ciambellini this weekend. There's a pack for you and for Draco, too.
I hope you're doing okay. What have you been up to?
Write back. Please.
Blaise
Theo,
If you don't reply I'm going to start assuming the worst.
Desperately,
Blaise
Blaise,
Fine, if you really must know, I've been doing well without you.
Great, in fact. Never better.
I have achieved inner peace in my solitude.
Those monks had the right idea, I believe I will dedicate my life to silence.
Piously,
Theo.
P.S. The cookies were good, by the way. Even better when paired with the tea.
Theo,
-Don't be- i know you're ly- -its not- -I'd rather you just- -why won't-
That sounds peaceful. What do you do with all that time?
Blaise,
I'm reading a lot.
Did you know that the Wizengamot rescinded a ruling requiring veritaserum usage in all trials regarding estate usurpation in 1972?
Lucky you.
Theo.
P.S. I took the liberty of rolling up a few of your favorites, since you're still incapable of rolling a decent cigarette. You're welcome.
Theo,
My tongue is numb. My lungs are spicy. What the fuck.
Blaise
Blaise,
Sorry, did I forgot to tell you one of them has a pinch of biting snapdragon?
It'll wear off in a few hours.
Theo.
You're a fucking menace, you know that right?
You're one to talk.
It takes one to know one!
I'm not sure there's room for two menaces on this boat mate.
Well I'll make room.
...
You could just yell at me, you know.
I'm not the yelling type. I know too well how it feels on the other side of that.
-I didn't m- -its not- You're not like him, Theo.
Not yet.
Not ever. Not if I have anything to say about it.
I hope you do.
You're far too kind to ever be like him.
Not always.
I think you mistake being kind for being nice. You don't always have to be nice to be kind.
Neither of those are exactly celebrated here.
Maybe not by him, but I'll celebrate it enough for all of us. I won't let him stomp it out of you.
I don't know if you can.
That won't stop me from trying.
Draco,
I didn't say anything! I think this one is on his grandfather. He never did like the idea of friends. I think the only reason he allowed us to have lessons together was that he liked the idea of actually spending time with Theo even less. Seems like he's changed his mind. Somehow, he's a better guardian when he's absent...
I do regret that I'm not there to keep him out of his clutches, though.
I know how he is, entirely too well. Probably better than you. After all, you always managed to disappear when Theo came back from their talks. Funny how that works out, isn't it?
It's your turn now. I know emotions make you nauseous but try to be supportive, yeah? Just for a few more weeks, and then I'll take that great and terrible burden off your shoulders. I need you to do this for me mate. Maybe he doesn't come over because he knows you can't handle him in his moods. All you have to do is be quiet and keep him company. Maybe a hug every once in a while?
Scratch that, those may be the two most unrealistic things to ask of you. Maybe you can just talk to him, keep him distracted, get him out of the house and away from his grandfather. Anything is better than leaving him cooped up in that place, right?
Keep an eye on him for me. He's not very talkative lately, and we've always been more of the nonverbal type. It's hard for me to get a read on him from this distance. I can't do anything but pester him, and I can't see anything that he doesn't choose to show me, which is cursedly little as you may well know.
I'm counting on you,
Blaise
P.S. She remembers the entire Industrial revolution and has strong opinions on how spoiled we are these days, with electricity and indoor plumbing. I'm not sure what year she was born, but we are well aware she's definitely a Taurus. I've narrowed it down to between 1809 and 1812 because she's certain her Neptune is in Aquarius.
Zabini,
Funny how you claim you didn't do anything, and then in the same breath beg me to spy on our friend for you because he refuses to speak to you. Well, I'm sure you'll be happy to know it's not just you. Trying to maintain a conversation with him is like pulling teeth. His mood swings have been.... concerning. He's giving me whiplash.
Silence is the best case scenario, honestly. I'm lucky to get a few sentences from him, no matter how much I pester him. He's even more tight lipped than you. I try not to pester him too much these days. It doesn't always go well for me when he does decide to reply.
You're lucky you haven't seen the other side of him yet.
He doesn't let me see him much when he's not in one of his quiet moods. He thinks he's protecting me from his less savory qualities. I'm inclined to agree. He's got a short fuse and a sharp tongue lately. I don't know what his grandfather is saying to him, but it's only stoking that on.
There's not much I can do, mate. You've always been the one to bring out his softer side. Before you showed up, he was quiet or he was cruel. There's a reason we weren't close as kids. He doesn't talk about it much, and you never had a chance to see it, but I did. I hope you don't have to see it. You might, though. It seems like it's sinking in.
Get back here as soon as you can. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Worse yet, I don't know how much more of this Theo can take before he snaps. I can't get through to him like you can, you know this.
I'll keep him distracted, though. Make sure he sits on the pitch with me instead of in that musty library. Some sun will do him good. I know I'm pale but he's transparent. I don't know what he's so preoccupied reading, he refuses to tell me or even let me look at it, but I guarantee you it isn't a comedy.
I'm doing my best, but I'm not you.
Hurry up already.
Impatiently,
Draco
P.S. Thank your grandmother for the cookies, they were quite delicious with tea. Centuries of practice have truly paid off. Don't tell her I said that part. If you make me look bad I will know and you will pay.
Blaise,
You'll never guess who's obituary I saw in the Daily Prophet today.
Says he suffered an embolism.
Triumphantly,
Theo
I suppose he did, among other things.
Among other things?
Yeah. It was ugly. I can guarantee that's not his body they buried.
What did you do to him?
I made him pay.
I hope you charged interest.
And taxes on top of it.
Good. As long as you are satisfied.
I won't be satisfied until I get back to England, but yes, I am certain he suffered enough. More importantly, I couldn't suffer a guilty man to live any longer.
If you say so. I wish you wouldn't have to suffer the consequences.
I wish you didn't either. I'm sorry Theo. I'll be back soon enough, I swear.
I know. At least i t looks like there is no suspicion of foul play.
As far as we can see. I don't think they would publish something like that, though.
Just let me have this.
You can have whatever you want, just say the word.
I want you back home, safe and sound.
And you'll have it soon enough. I promise.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
I have every intention of keeping it. I'll do anything and everything.
Some things are outside of our control.
Sure, but if it's in the hands of the gods, I doubt they'll let me go to Azkaban. I wouldn't be very entertaining huddled in a cell, after all.
You think your entertainment factor will sway them to pull strings on your behalf?
Yes. Good will and affection are fickle, and so is luck, but I can trust in their boredom to keep me center stage for a good long while.
I don't think that's the blessing you're making it out to be.
All blessings come with a cost. Nothing in this world is free. Fortune is blind but misfortune sees us just fine.
That's not reassuring.
It's all I have.
We'll make our own luck, then.
I suppose we will have to. Don't worry, between the two of us, and my mother, we'll make it out of this just fine.
Now that's reassuring. She would move the heavens for you.
I know. If you can't trust me, or the gods, at least trust in her.
Is it weird that I miss her?
Of course not. I know she misses our dinners together too. She's asked about you in her last letter. I wish I knew what to tell her.
Give her my fondest regards.
-That's not- -Can you- i need- please talk to
I will.
Theo,
Saturn transits into Capricorn today. It might be a bit of a rocky transition, coming from Sagittarius.
With great trepidation,
Blaise
Blaise,
That's not as illustrative as you think it is. Not all of us grew up with diviners. Care to expand on that?
With great exasperation,
Theo.
Theo,
I can't say anything for sure, its not all that clear to me either.
Well give it your best shot, then.
I have a feeling that authority might start taking a more heavy handed role in our lives.
What makes you say that?
It's in Saturn's nature.
Right, well. You better be careful, Blaise. I don't want you catching the eyes of the authorities, especially not with after as things are now.
Of course I will be. Saturn rules darkness, too, which happens to have a soft spot for me, so don't worry too much about that. I got plenty of practice with going unnoticed.
I'm sure you do. Don't get too cocky though, that's when you slip.
I won't. The stars don't take away our free will, you know. Our choices still matter, and trust me when I say I am well aware of how much depends on my choices.
Nonna always says the most important consideration is how we will turn it in our favor.
So how are we supposed to do that?
Well, knowing that we're falling is the first step to landing on our feet.
Living with your grandmother is rubbing off on you. She really does speak in riddles.
What the bloody hell is this all supposed to mean?
Saturn rules authority. It also rules hard work, and studies, and crafts, and time, and boundaries, and restrictions, and the law, a bunch of other stuff. It's nature is cold, dry, secretive, and sorrowful. It also rules seafaring and waterside trade, interestingly enough. Something about the boundaries between the earth and sea, or something like that. Nonna isn't the most direct teacher, but she seems pleased I am focusing on fishing lately. Says its 'auspicious' and 'in alignment with Saturn's transit'. I think she just likes having a fresh catch every day. A little extra money is a nice bonus, too.
Yes, yes, that's all very well and good, I am glad you are finding something to occupy your time. Saturn, though?
Right. It is restrictive, not expansive, and malefic, not benefic.
It used to be the ruler of the underworld as the farthest and coldest planet we could see in traditional astrology, until Pluto took over that mantle later on. That gives an aspect of darkness that tends to be overlooked these days, or shunned, more like it.
It's difficult energy to work with, but not impossible.
Yeah, I know, I was in Astronomy with you, unless you somehow didn't notice me sitting right next to you all year. I suppose that wouldn't be too surprising, considering you haven't looked past your own nose in months.
Right, well, I'm trying to change that.
Good. So what does this all mean?
It's hard to say, there is never a single answer. Nonna says we have the choice to decide how we respond to their movements, and the more we pay attention the more educated that choice can be.
So educate me.
Right, well, Saturn is inhibitory, not expansive, so it probably won't be easy and breezy for a while. We'll probably run into a lot of walls, dead ends, but that means we gotta get creative. Nonna doesn't like this dichotomy but its malefic, so, not nice? She says its reductive and closes us off to the possibilities of growth and gain, so I try not to use those words around her. Regardless though, Saturn always brings a focus on discipline. And authority. Its very confining, with a lot of focus on your limitations and the forces acting upon you.
Capricorn is an earth sign, and a cardinal sign, and a cold sign, so it can intersect in a million different ways. The inhibitory nature of Saturn under the stiff and cold rulership of Capricorn could be suffocating, or the ambitious nature of Saturn could be exalted in the cardinal aspects of Capricorn.
That's cryptic as hell. Can you try English, please?
The stars don't speak English, sorry.
Well you do, so try and translate would you?
If we're lucky, we'll come out of this transit with more skills. If we're not... well, I'll try not to dwell on that. I know we'll make it out okay. Fortuna favors me, after all.
What was that thing she said about luck? In that note? When Fortuna looks at you, both her heads turn?
Yeah she might have said that. But she says a lot of things. And she doesn't seem to like or trust Fortuna much.
She's right. Luck is fickle. Its just a quality we ascribe to chaos when it affects us.
Maybe, but it does feel good to know she looks upon me favorably.
I'm not sure catching her attention is all that lucky mate.
Yeah, maybe, but what can I do? I don't think you've caught her attention at least, so I hope that doesn't apply to you.
Then why are you so worried about this?
Saturn rules authority, and it's moving into the father figure of the zodiac, Capricorn.
Right, we established that. And we are both exceedingly, painfully aware of what we have to lose should the authorities look at you too hard. It doesn't take much divination to figure that out.
Yes, well, I'm not the only person in the world. You should be warned of the planet's transits too.
Why did you feel the need to warn me?
I do think about you, you know. I worry too. Especially when you don't tell me anything.
-That's You don't - I can't- Why are you worried?
How are things with your grandfather?
I knew you were hinting at something. Was that so hard?
Yes.
You know him well enough to know without divination. You could have just said he'd be doing his best impression of a dictator for the foreseeable future, you know.
Excuse me for taking an interest in your life and wellbeing. I thought we were friends.
We are. As long as you'll have me.
I don't understand why you're being so distant. I wouldn't have to rely on the stars if you just talked to me.
Its not that simple.
Friends tell each other what is going on in their lives, especially when I can't be there to see it for myself.
Right, well, warning received.
Theo, stop being so difficult.
You were right, by the way. On all counts. He's insistent on teaching me some new skills alright.
Like what?
...
What happened?
It doesn't matter.
Like hell it doesn't. What did he do?
What's going on with you? Why are you shutting me out like this? I've told you before and I'll tell you as many times as I need to, you can be as mad as you want. Curse at me, send me more biting rollies, I don't care. I'm not going anywhere. Just talk to me.
I'm literally begging you.
Theo,
Talk to me.
Theo,
You can't just keep ignoring me like this. How am I supposed to help from here if you don't let me?
Zabini,
Theo's not looking too good. He's wasting away. He's not sleeping, or eating, or talking. All he does is smoke and read. I don't know what to do. What should I do??
With great concern,
Draco
Draco,
Invite him over for dinner, and maybe sleepovers. It's been a while since we've had any but I'm sure it'll be welcome. It's almost like we're back in the dorms, yeah? Just get him out of the house.
I wish he would just go hang out in Gamp hall, but he refuses to without me. Trust me if I could drag him out of that godforsaken house myself, I would. I need you to sub in for me. I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't serious.
He needs his friends right now, no matter how much he acts otherwise.
Blaise
Zabini,
It's not working!! It's getting bloody exhausting chasing after him. He won't even let me floo over to drop off letters anymore, I've got to send them by owl! He's clear across the country from me, you know, it takes them two days to go that far north!
In despair,
Draco
Blaise,
Why are you talking to Draco so much? Quidditch cannot possibly take up that many letters.
Theo
Theo,
Draco answers my questions. Sometimes, he asks some of his own. You're more than welcome to do the same.
Are you eating well? Sleeping okay? Reading anything good? What have you been up to?
Blaise
Blaise,
No, no, debatable, and nothing.
Theo,
You're not making this easy. I know you're mad but can you be mad a little louder?
Blaise
Blaise,
Fine, you asked for it.
Can you tell your new best friend to get off my back? He's bloody irritating lately. He never shuts up. And I mean never. Not a moment of silence around him. It doesn't matter if I don't say a word in response, it doesn't matter if I shoot him down, he's absolutely relentless. I can't have a moment of peace with him. He keeps dragging me outside and trying to get me to fly with him and its like, yeah I'm a decent enough keeper if that means I can sit in front of one hoop and dive upon occasion, but despite being fluffy I am not a cloud and I should not be that far up!!
Even if he lets me relax on the ground, he's constantly making me watch him fly around and asking for tips, like I know the first thing about 'proper form' and 'defensive formations'.
Then, when I couldn't be arsed to pretend to care about his stupid feint, he tries to throw away my smoking supplies like I didn't spend WEEKS nicking bits from grandfather to build up my stash.
He also complains constantly. It's always 'your cigarettes smell bad' and 'you're ignoring me' and 'you're so mean'.
You can let him know I wouldn't be so mean if he would give me some bloody space. I will not be speaking to him as long as he is so bloody insufferable.
How can you stand him? I'm at my wits end with that ponce.
How dare you leave me here alone with him? How dare you leave me here alone at all? I 'm so fucking pissed at you I can't find a single thing to say. You're bloody lucky I have self control. I'm not sure I'd have so much if you were here. Then again, if you were here, we wouldn't be having this problem, now would we?
I can't stand the thought of you sometimes. I can't stand the thought of being here without you, either. I can't stand this waiting and I can't stand this endless fucking summer and I can't stand this house and I can't stand my grandfather. And yet, I am. I live with it every day and there's nothing I can do about it.
I can't talk to you about this.
Deal with Draco before I do.
Infuriated,
Theo.
Theo,
You know he just cares about you, right? He's a right git about showing it and can't seem to admit to it through anything but insults and demands, but he really is trying to help.
I'll talk to him.
Blaise
Draco,
It's not working. In fact, it may be making things worse.
Blaise
Blaise,
Duh, I've been trying to tell you!
I'm backing off.
He's your problem now, I cannot take this anymore, not for him, not for you.
He's been on the warpath lately. I don't think I've seen him smile in weeks. It's all doom and gloom all the time, and he's starting to take it out on me. At least he'll say it to my face, and not behind my back. Not that I want to hear it, of course, but I'd rather see it coming. Honestly, his tongue can be sharper than Pansy's when he has a mind to wound you. Do you know what he said to me the other day? Of course you don't, he's not one to gossip.
He called me a southern pansy and told me if I don't get out of his hair he's going to take a pair of shears to my silks and I'll have to wear rags until I learn how to hold my tongue, and if I don't, he'll cut that out too!
What's worse, I believe him!!
He's an absolute menace Zabini, and I know it's not just his grandfather's influence, which isn't helping by the way. Last time I went over to drag him outside for the first time in three days, he made this odd comment about 'minding his training' and Theo got proper weird about it. What in sweet suffering Salazar's sake is that supposed to mean?
You must straighten him out.
Woefully,
Draco
Blaise,
Thanks for that. I know Draco's just trying to help, but I don't need it.
I'm sorry you had to be the middleman for us. I should have realized how much that could bother you.
It's fine. His owl can barely make the trip to my side of the island, let alone crossing continents. I can't resent you for having other friends.
You know you'll always be my best friend, right? I love Draco (Don't tell him I said that, it'll go straight to his head) but he's not you.
...
He could never replace you.
You had me fooled.
You're easy to fool, then.
I'm not you shou- don't s- Dra- If you say so.
What, you don't believe me?
Not after- even if- its No, I just don't understand why.
Because I said so. I'm stubborn, remember?
Even when I'm sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn't have said all that.
I'm glad you said it. You needed to get it out. I would rather hear it than know you're carrying it around and letting it brew into resentment. Its okay that you're mad at me.
I'm mad at me too. I can hardly stand myself either.
That's not- please don't hat- Blaise I'm I can't- I'm sorry.
It's okay. I forgive you. I always will.
You can't know that.
I can. You don't think I'm fickle, do you?
No.
You don't think I give this loyalty out to just anyone, do you?
No.
Then you have to trust me when I say there's nothing you could do to make me rescind it.
It's not that simple but what if you don't know its I'm
Okay.
How can I convince you?
I don't know.
What do you need right now?
All I need is some peace and quiet and maybe some of your cooking.
I miss your cooking.
Here's some focaccia to tide you over. I hope it travels well.
Thank you. It was still warm.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
It's not home without you.
I've got to go, my grandfather is calling. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I'll be here.
Theo,
How are things with your grandfather?
Blaise
Blaise,
Bad.
Theo.
Theo,
How bad?
Blaise,
Real bad.
Say more.
...
Please.
He sees a lot of my father in me. He doesn't like it.
So his solution to this is to....?
Use the same methods he used on my father in hopes that it'll work this time.
What's his problem with your dad, anyways?
It's complicated. I don't want to get into it. Suffice to say, he doesn't want me to take after him.
Has he considered that he might just be repeating the same mistakes? That he might be pushing you towards that?
Of course not. He does not consider emotions, at all. He is beyond them, and intends to make me so as well.
I won't let him. Please tell me what's going on so I can help.
Fine. He decided to teach me the family practice. He makes McGonagall look cuddly and Snape downright nurturing.
What's your family practice?
I'll tell you someday.
You know I wouldn't spill your secrets, right?
Yeah. We were both there when we promised. You haven't told me yours yet, either.
If this is because you don't know mine, that isn't a problem. I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Just talk to me.
It's not about that. It's just...complicated. Better in person, I think.
Right. That's fair. I'll be listening, when you're ready.
Sure.
Speaking of, it's time for another lesson. I won't be available for a while.
I'll be here when you are.
Theo,
How did it go last night?
Theo,
What happened? Where are you?
Theo,
It's been two days. I'm starting to worry. It's fine if you don't want to answer my questions, just tell me you're okay.
Theo,
Its okay if you're not okay. You don't have to lie about it for my comfort, or avoid the question just to avoid lying. Any sign of life is enough.
Theo,
Here's some strawberries and cherry tomatoes. I picked them from the garden myself. If you get to them soon enough, they might still be warm. I think they taste like sunshine.
Theo,
Please?
Blaise,
I'll be alright.
Only two weeks and four days left. I'm counting the minutes.
The strawberries were good, by the way. You got any more?
Theo,
You can't just disappear for three days like it's nothing! What happened?
And of course I do. You can have all of them.
I've graduated from lectures to demonstrations.
I would pretend to be coy about accepting them, but honestly, I needed all that. Thank you.
That stain does not look like strawberry juice.
No, it doesn't, does it?
Entirely unrelated, do you have any essence of dittany?
What did How that bast why are you ok
No, murtlap is the best I've got for now. I've brewed it as strong as possible, though. I'm experimenting. Don't worry, you're not the test subject. It worked well enough on me last time I went swimming a little too close to the reefs and banged up my shins. Just don't pick the scabs or it won't work. I'm still distilling the dittany I got in the forest, but it should be ready by the next full moon though. I'll send you some as soon as it's bottled. It'll be strong.
What the bloody hell is he doing to you?
Nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about it.
You're giving me plenty to worry about here.
That's rich coming from you.
Are you serious? What could I possibly be doing that's more worrying than that??
Oh, I dunno, besides the ever looming threat of imprisonment, or the possibility that you'll be on the run or in exile forever and I'll never see you again, going out to sea on a small boat alone every day is pretty bad too. Or the forest after dark. Wolves can kill you as easily as acromantula, you know.
You don't have to worry about that. I grew up on a boat. Besides, I'm a strong swimmer. There aren't any wolves here, either. The forest is only full of deer and birds. Some of them are quite friendly, actually. I've befriended the ravens. They won't let anything happen to me. I happen to be their main supplier of bread and shiny things.
Nothing to worry about. Nowhere near the same level as living with someone who may or may not be responsible for spilling blood.
Will you please tell me what the fuck is going on over there?
If you don't talk to me I'm sending Draco to investigate.
Don't you dare. I won't deliver any letters to him if you do.
Then fucking talk to me!!
Are you daft? I CAN'T.
What's so hard about it? You seem to have no problem putting your quill to parchment to make everything more difficult.
Fuck off.
You don't mean that.
What if I do?
If you did, you wouldn't be so mad that I'm gone.
...
You know I'm right. You would have replied by now if I was wrong.
You don't know anything.
I know more than you want me to, that's for sure.
Well unknow it then.
You really want me to forget about you?
...
That's what I thought.
You're an absolute arse.
I know, but I'm your arse.
You're far too bony to be my arse.
Hey! I'll have you know I've bulked up quite a bit here. Fishing and swimming and hiking are good conditioning. I'm all muscle now.
Maybe we'll be the same size then.
I certainly hope not. Are you eating well?
No. You know how things are here.
Go to Gamp hall and raid the pantry. You know it's always open to you.
I have. It's empty.
Empty? Already?
What are they feeding you over there? Gruel?
Close enough. My grandfather is on a bland diet for his health, and I eat what he eats. Which means very little and very terrible. You know how tight a rein he keeps on our elves, and grandfather won't let me near the kitchen, either. He won't let me do much of anything.
Doesn't matter, I'm not hungry. Tobacco is a good appetite suppressant, you know.
Don't be ridiculous. Tobacco can't replace nourishment. I can't believe you didn't tell me earlier, you know I would never let you go hungry.
It's been doing well enough. Besides, I could stand to lose a bit of this chub.
I think it suits you better than starvation.
Then you'd be the only one.
I doubt that.
You haven't heard my grandfather.
Yeah, and who's fault is that? I can only know what you tell me!
I don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, you've made that clear enough. I still want to know, though.
Too bad. I want to know plenty of things too, but you don't see me prying.
Its different.
Its not. I have plenty of lingering curiosities I simply live with. I've been withholding my questions as a courtesy, but i f that's how you want to play this, I'll start asking you questions you're not ready to answer.
...
Would you like me to start pestering you about what happened with to Rabnott? Because I can.
Well?
I suppose not. We can't keep putting these conversations off forever, though.
We will put them off until we're ready.
Unless you intend to start spilling your guts right now?
Point taken.
That's what I thought.
I'll start sending you food in the mornings before I leave. Bread and cheese and salami and fruit, easy peasy. Anything else you want, just ask. You know we've always got plenty here.
That sounds amazing. I'm drooling already.
Why wait? Have a midnight snack with me
Sweet Circe that's good. Is that goat cheese?
Yup, Nonna made it herself. With my help, of course.
And the bread?
Rosemary focaccia.
She's an artist. I still really want to try her cooking.
Maybe you can, I'll send you anything that can travel. The box is a bit narrow for a bowl of pasta, unfortunately. I don't know what you could do with raw fish, either, but if you want one I haul in a net every day. You can take your pick. Branzino is in season right now, and its ridiculously expensive. You're lucky you have a direct supply.
While that's quite kind of you to offer, I'll have to pass. I don't want it stinking up the box and all of our letters. What I wouldn't give for a pot of spaghetti bolognese right now though.
You're in luck, we jarred some sauce the other day. Send the glassware back when you're done though, Nonna is territorial about it.
You're a lifesaver. I'll be making a trip to the kitchen at your place tomorrow, you'll get them back soon enough.
It won't be the same if you don't cook it though.
Nonna always says the most important ingredient is love. And by that, I learned she actually means pushing a little magic through the wooden spoon as she stirs. She's been teaching me some of her tricks. I can't wait to show you!!
That's brilliant. I can't wait to taste it first hand.
You'll be the first to, I promise. I wonder if I can commission Ollivander to make me a spoon wand.....
Honestly? Probably. You could revolutionize the entire field of potions with something like that.
But not before you make me some pasta.
That's my first priority, of course. What the fuck do I look like, revolutionizing a field while my friend goes hungry?
Your Italian side is showing.
You say that as if I've ever been able to hide it.
At least you got your priorities straight.
Don't worry, when I get back I'm gonna stuff so much spaghetti in your face you'll taste tomatoes and garlic every time you burp for a month.
That's gross.
Yeah, but it made you laugh, didn't it?
...yeah.
I'm counting the days until I can hear it again.
Sap.
Yeah, maybe, and what of it?
Nothing, just an observation.
That's what I thought!
Yeah, yeah, whatever. You're lucky you're charming or you'd never get away with half of the shite that leaves your mouth.
Aw, you think I'm charming?
Shut up. I'm going to bed.
You know you love me!
Yeah, and you know it too, so don't make me say it.
What if I want to hear it?
Have you ever doubted it?
No.
Not even when I'm mad?
Especially not when you're mad. You wouldn't be so bothered by my absence if you didn't care.
...
I miss you too, by the way.
I'm not worth missing.
Don't be ridiculous. You're my best friend. I don't know what I would do without you.
You shouldn't You're better off witho Even if what if I'm If you say so.
I do, and I'm right, so you better listen to me and not your grandfather. I don't know what he's filling your head with, but he's wrong.
-How do you you cant know I can't Okay.
What would it take to convince you? I'll do it, whatever it takes.
I don't know.
That's okay. How about we start with tomorrow's breakfast then?
Is that strawberry jam?
Yup, I made it myself.
I'm not sure it'll make it til tomorrow morning. It's good.
Really good.
I'll send you more, whenever you want. Whatever you want. Just let me know when you run out.
I'm out of bread, too. Do you have any more of that?
Of course! You should really have it with a sweeter bread though. We used honey in the dough.
I'll assume your silence means you're preoccupied enjoying it.
Nonna always says you can tell a meal is good when everyone is too busy eating to talk.
Here, I've gotten you some pasta too for your lunch tomorrow, and some cheese. All homemade, of course, so get that in the fridge, it won't last all night without getting funky. You know how my family feels about spending money on anything we can do ourselves.
What's a fridge?
Muggle cold pantry.
Right. You're a lifesaver.
You know I'd never let you go hungry.
I know. Thank you, you don't know how much I needed this.
I think I do. Get some rest, Theo.
You too.
Theo,
I just heard from Ma. I'll be back next Saturday to meet you for school shopping at Diagon Alley. That only gives us two days before we head back to Hogwarts, but that's not so bad!! The sooner we get to school, the better. I miss living with you and Draco and even Vince and Greg. Vince's snoring can be quite soothing. Its too quiet here.
I can't wait to see you.
Love,
Blaise
Blaise,
Finally some good news. I suppose its a good sign your mother is letting you out in public. If she thinks its safe, it must be alright. Of course, it would have been better to avoid this entirely, but I will take our wins where I can.
I miss you. Somehow time has slowed down even more that I know its coming to an end soon.
Love,
Theo
Theo,
I'm sorry. I miss you too. Please don't be too mad. Hang in there okay, only one week and three days left!!
Regretfully,
Blaise
Theo,
You've been quiet again. Are you okay? What's going on? Are you getting the food okay? Are you eating?
Blaise,
Yeah, everything is coming through fine. I'm just not that hungry lately.
I'm not mad, I'm just -sa- -depr lon- tired. It's been a long summer without you.
I know, I'm so sorry.
It's okay. Its for the best. As long as you don't get taken away forever, I can live with a summer.
I won't, no matter what it takes. You're not getting rid of me that easily, and I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it.
I need to hear it again.
I'll always come back to you, I swear it.
You better.