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The building that housed them for their meetings has changed. Each year, either a new wing has been added or the landscape is being worked on. Annie is impressed, staring at the building, knowing its history, seeing its growth. She knows Armin probably has a lot to do with the construction, seeing as he has a never ending need for growth. She’s come to the conclusion that the bench she’s currently sitting on has a lot to do with him as well. A small bench, under a tree, next to a field of well placed flowers following a path down into the park.
The bench that was so nicely placed in the exact spot in which Armin had asked her to stay with him after the rumbling. The tree was large and looming from her little spot, but not blocking the intensely glowing moon. The tree that witnessed her rejection of the possibility of a future with him. The idea of staying was too bizarre, the weight of her fathers wishes too heavy on her shoulders.
“When we go back to Liberio we can make up for our wrongdoings. We can finally work hard to build a better, different future. For everyone. Let’s work harder than we have in the past, Annie.“
Her father hadn’t even asked. At least Armin did. But after struggling to find her way back to him, she couldn’t just accept Armin and leave her father behind. It’s all she wanted, for so long, and Annie knew her father would not stay in Paradis and Armin would not abandon his friends. Even if he would have, she wouldn’t allow it.
She’s tired.
Yet the stars in the sky still shined as brightly as it did that night. Did they remember Annie’s wrong doings as unforgivingly as everyone who lived did? Did the stars hate her too? Did they remember all her crimes and hold the past against her like everyone? It seemed like such a childish line of questions but Annie couldn’t mute her mind from longing to know.
Annie had wanted to stop fighting and with her father by her side, she did. His voice told her stories, shared happy memories, and tranquility. Things she hadn’t known as a child, she started knowing them when she returned to him. They had been a family. But life was cruel and the time with him was short lived and in his passing, Annie was left with a silence so deep it was bone shattering and maddening.
The night wind picked up and chilled her bones, just as it had done to her the night of Armin’s question. Even though she was an ambassador, everyone asked and expected so much from her, while treating her with so little respect now that her father was gone. She’d like to think that she was doing the right thing… But she was so tired . Was this how it always felt? Like two sides of the same coin. Whether it be she was doing the wrong thing or the right thing, one thing would never change… She was always so damn tired.
The overwhelmed nerves in her mind worked frantically to paste memories together while leaving a bitter feeling in the roof of her mouth. She dreams, briefly, of the day Armin had asked her to stay, and where she’d be if she would have said yes to him. She had just wanted a breath of fresh air before she found her way to the bench and this tree. The heaviness of the memories of what she lived back then crawled their way into her mind as it always did. The ‘what ifs’ spreading and consuming her thoughts like the tree branches spread in the dirt under her feet.
What if she would have said yes?
But the trauma had been too fresh for her, too terrifying. She can’t imagine a life where she would have said yes back then, even if she had cried over the heart wrenching feeling she got when she said no. The trauma is still there, circling around her daily life, but deemed not important. It still danced right at the edge of her vision, growing stronger in the night. Suffocating her as she tried to sleep because sleep was just too familiar. Her bed was a prison of crystallized fears that she’ll lay in her bed, paralyzed and none responding. That she’ll get buried alive again, in darkness and coldness.
She could still remember the way her terrified screams echoed in her head, while his voice echoed in her ears, longingly: “ You look so beautiful. ”
She tucks her trembling hands in her pockets and plants her heels firmly on the ground. The slight movement reminds her that she’s safe. Her mind couldn’t settle on a parallel line of thought, it seemed. Her shoulders felt heavier now, her eyes burned.
“I didn’t expect to find you here.”
She forces her eyes open, sees a brave Armin with his hands in his pocket. Armin who doesn’t hesitate to sit next to her and lean back to look at the stars with a sigh. Annie allows herself to tremble once before forcing her body to remain as still as stone. Which is a contradiction to the movement she craves. Her brain feels like it’s fried, his presence being too much for her right now, all she could do to force herself not to look at him was stare at the dirt.
“Are you avoiding me?” He asks, voice dripping like honey. It was warm and welcoming and latched to her ears and her brain like a pleasant tune. She has heard the sound of his voice during the meetings, being spoken to everyone. But his voice sounded different when directed at her. She allows herself to hum, neither agreeing or disagreeing with his accusation. There was no point, he knows that she knows…. That he’s right.
Armin has always known the password to the safe that was her innermost thoughts and feelings. All he had to do was sit and wait, and she would burst at the seams and give him more than she’s ever given anyone. It’s always been like that and as it turns out… Time and distance have not changed that.
“Do you think things will change?” The words are formed in her throat awkwardly, they come out slow and broken. She plays with her hands, forcing herself to move. The moon was full, it reflected off of her skin so pale she felt erased. The tone reminded her of the ghostly white girl that fell to the floor when her four year prison cell had unhardened.
“Explain.” He says, voice curious. But before she could, he sighs. “Today was rough, wasn’t it?”
Rough? Rough was such an understatement. Her mind screams angrily in her head, the volume of it sets her temples on fire. Marleyans would always victimize themselves while making Eldians the victim of their hatred. The Eldians outside of Paradis on the team are just used so that they don’t look bad and everyone cries of injustices that can’t be corrected and demands things that can’t be met. They talk about everything they lost with venom laced voices. She wants to turn and tell him this, but she can’t find it in herself to do so.
She wants to tell him that she’s trying to better the world across the sea, but instead, “I’m still trying to apologize for my existence.” Is what she says when her dry lips finally part. She wonders if he feels like he lost a part of himself after the rumbling, a part of himself that he thought he’d never lose, because she has. His silence makes her sigh and lean back against the bench, much like he was. “Paradis is a breath of fresh air, it must be nice for you.”
“Where’s your father?” He suddenly asks and she could feel him watching her, so she tries her hardest to hold back her flinch.
Her silence stretches for long minutes, but he doesn’t say anything because he knows that she will speak when she’s ready. Still, she wonders how long she could prolong the silence and if it wasn’t for the heaviness of his gaze on her, she would have taken longer to speak. “Three years ago.” She mumbles. His inhale is sharp and curiosity makes her turn to finally look at Armin. Her father had been a part of the team too. He’d done so much to guide people during the rumbling. Unlike her, he gained respect. She’s seen Armin five times in those three years. She’s avoided talking to him for that long too.
She felt uneasy with the heaviness of the stars and his stare. So she stands, mumbles a quick goodnight, and tries to leave as swiftly as possible.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” He scrambles to say.
Annie laughs. Her laughter was so unexpected, her sides hurt from its intensity. Armin might as well have slapped her across the face as hard as he could. Tears blur the corner of her vision by the time he walks towards her and his worried look makes her feel embarrassment at her outburst. She’s still giggling, despite her efforts to gather herself. “What an interesting insult.” She says. She has a mountain of corpses in her shadow. She’s caused so much devastation and loss how could someone feel sorry for hers ?
She senses his frustration and confusion in the way he stands. “I apologize for my poor choice of words.” But she’s more than tired now, her outburst has drained her of so much and she wasn’t ready to face him. Instead of coming up with something to say, she tries leaving again. He clears his throat loudly, and when she turns around, he stares directly into her eyes. “I’ve missed you, Annie.”
Panic settles in her chest at how much those words ached. “I’m expected to go back to my room and rest up, tomorrow is a long day. You should get to your family soon, Armin. I don’t want to cause any issues.” She’s impressed with the emptiness in her voice- proud even.
He’s staring at her in pure bewilderment. “What family?”
There’s a pause, where she tries to work around the enlarging brick in her throat. “Your family. Jean talked about how you all had kids now, basically…” The more she talked, the more he gawked, the weaker her words became.
Had she been wrong all this time?
“When was this?” He asks.
“Five years ago? Maybe six…”
“You thought I… Annie,” He shakes his head roughly, giving her a look that she isn’t sure how to read. “I’ve not once been able to let go of my feelings from back then.”
She misses him so damn much the misunderstanding was easy to let go of. Surprisingly, it made her feel lighter. “I’ve thought of it, you know? If I would have stayed. How that would have been.” Her confession comes easily.
“You act like you can’t stay.” He quickly replies, taking a step towards her.
“I’m expected back the day after tomorrow.” Her words fly out of her mouth before she can even think about what she’s saying. They’re talking so fast now, she wonders if either of them are thinking.
“You’ve done so much for the surviving world, Annie. What will you do for yourself now that you too have survived?” She angrily chuckles at the directness of his sharp words, which gives him leverage to continue. “You prioritize what people expect of you without thinking about yourself, I can see that when you come here. I can only imagine what it must be like over there for you. You need to stop simply apologizing for being one of the few that survived and start using that opportunity to live, don’t you see that?”
Annie shakes her head and tries to think before speaking now, but her words are tumbling out of her mouth and she can’t seem to stop even when the regret of speaking is immediate. “All I wanted to do was stop fighting and be with my father. Now he’s gone and I'm still fighting, it’s just a different battle now.” She’s not blind, she sees it but she doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Annie was raised to be the perfect Marleyan candidate. She was raised to be used by them and now after the rumbling, with all the changes, she isn’t an Honorary Marleyan anymore nor the holder of the Female Titan, but she’s still expected to serve Marley without question or hesitation. There’s just a different goal, but it’s the same damn story.
She knows that he knows this too.
“I could help you.” Armin offers.
“How?”
“I’m the same, Annie. As I’ve always been. You're right, the battles are different now. But I would like to think that I understand you and you understand me in a different way, one in which no one else does. I don’t expect anything from you, I just want you, still.”
She lets out a small laugh, overwhelmed. “There must be more fun girls out there for you, Armin.”
“You really don’t get it?” He asks and they both glance at each other with a small smile, heat rising to her cheeks at the replayed moment. So much time has passed, so many missed opportunities. But here, under the same tree, maybe the choice to choose him still lived.
“What if I don’t leave?” Annie isn’t sure why, but she wants to know.
“I’ll ask you to try. Not for me, but for yourself. Annie… Selfishly… I’d…” He’s forcing himself to stop, she could see it in the way his shoulders set with determination.
“What if I disappoint?”
He shakes his head. “You’re only hurting yourself by saying that.”
Annie sighs, nodding. “I’m so tired I could fall asleep and never wake up.”
Armin doesn’t reply and instead, he guides her back to her room. She enjoys the silence, there’s already a lot that she needs to process in privacy. When she unlocks the door, she turns to stare at him. His eyes are bright, almost as if they glowed on their own, and the intensity in his gaze was startling. Her eyes blur again, with that hated feeling of needing to cry. There's a long pause from him and when he steps towards her, she shakes her head. “Goodnight Armin.”
“... Goodnight Annie.” He sighs and watches as she goes inside and locks her door. Once inside, she’s overwhelmed by the silence and darkness she’s met with. Her tears finally fall freely against her cheeks as she busies herself by turning on all the lights in her temporary room. She doesn’t even have a chance to process absolutely anything before she breaks down completely.
The sun is hidden behind clouds and she welcomes momentary shadows. Her eyes are stinging from the ferocity of the sun's harsh rays. She works on playing with her nails, fighting the urge to bite at her cuticle. There was much to think about, much to regret. The sound of approaching footsteps draws her attention and she sees Armin, slowly making his way towards her.
“I didn’t expect to find you here. ” Is what he uses to break the silence but once their eyes meet, their gazes are glued. The silence extends, the wind plays with the grass in a calming melody that doesn’t reflect the terrified chaos in her chest.
Regardless of all that, she finds herself smiling. “Okay.” Is all she allows herself to give because it’s all he needs to hear anyways.
He blinks and she feels victorious for having surprised him like this. “Okay.” He repeats and holds his hands out for her to take. She’s feeling brave today because there was little hesitation on her part to comply.
Nothing was certain.
But Annie was certain that if she could go back in time and redo her rejection she would without hesitation. But life moves forward, her memories with her father lived as precious tokens in her mind, and she wanted to move forward too.