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A Housewarming

Summary:

Callum is a soft touch, a good guy, a people pleaser. So when Vinny asks him to come to Dottys housewarming, he can't say no.

Notes:

The idea was it was going to be a bit of Yellow Couch action, based on the inaugural #DailyBallumContent photo, but I couldn't do it, so I've just popped the couch into a more general fun fic I was working on.

Married angst free Ballum, like it would be in an ideal world.

Work Text:

"Dotty Cotton?"

"Yeah!"

"Why would we go to Dotty Cotton's housewarming? She's a nightmare."

"Vinny asked us..."

"Vinny asked you..."

"Yeah, and you're my husband, so..."

"Urgh, Cal, I don't wanna" Ben whined, tossing his teaspoon into the sink.

"Everyone's going - there hasnt been a house party in months. I think Vin feels bad that she's not really got any mates since Keegs and Tiff left"

"Oh yeah 'cos they were thick as theives beforehand, babe, nothing brings people together like shagging your best mate's husband."

Callum rolled his eyes and gave Ben a little smack on the leg.

"Is Son' going?"

"Unlikely"

"Is that cos of the sociopathic lying do you think?"

"Ben-"

"Just checking! It'll be weird enough without Nurse Ratchet in the corner sucking on lemons."

"She saved your life, Ben" Callums brow furrowed. He'd never, ever say a word against Sonia for what she did that day.

"I said thank you! Doesn't change the fact she's an internationally renowned fun sponge."

Callum couldn't exactly disagree, and so drank his tea instead.

******

A few hours later they pitched up at Dotty's flat. Music was already pumping, with disco lights flashing from the upstairs window

"I'm not even inside yet and I feel old"

"You're 25 Ben! I know you have it somewhere deep inside you to still have fun despite being so very decrepit and close to death."

"Says you, grandad"

"You're only as old as the person you feel..."
Callum pulled Ben to him and placed a big fat kiss to his lips.

Wrapping his arms around him, grabbing his bum, Ben replied

"If we go home now, I'll make you feel like a whole new man"

Callum lifted the door knocker, kissing Ben's forehead.

"Get inside, have a drink and relax a bit Ben. If you don't have a good time, I'll ... make you fish finger sandwiches when we get home."

"You're so rock and roll." Ben mocked, then "On toast, though."

"Yes darlin, on toast."

Dotty appeared at the door, a scowl painted on her face.

"He's invited you two an' all then?"

"Please try and contain your joy, Kirsty, you'll do yourself an injury!"

"Dont call me- ugh, whatever... Come in then, upstairs. Drinks in the kitchen."

Dotty flipped her hair and stalked back up the stairs.

"No mates, you say? But how can that be?" muttered Ben as they shut the door and followed behind.

Dotty took her place next to Vinny who was "on tunes" - his phone was hooked up to some speakers in a makeshift DJ zone - she quickly had a vodka soda in one hand, and the other in a tube of Pringles.

There were a surprising number of people there already, no-one they really knew. Vinny had been hard at work inviting literally anyone who had stepped foot in Ruby's more than once.

They weaved their way over to Vinny to say hi, then to the kitchen to pop open a couple of beers and stick the rest in the fridge.

Heading back into the living room, they flopped onto the tiny yellow sofa in the corner of the room, conspicuously empty in a roomful of people.

"Oh fuck me thats uncomfortable! Dotty did you find this sofa in a skip?" Ben wriggled to try and get comfy, laughing at the sight of Callums knees basically at his ears because was so low.

"Oi, my Mum bought that!" Vinny exclaimed

"When? 1974?!" Ben twisted, sat with his back to the arm and his legs on Callums knees, stretching out.
"Nah, I'm not having that,," laughed Callum, turning to face Ben and weaving his longer legs into a more comfortable position.

 

Ben twined their fingers along the back of the sofa, wedding rings knocking together, and squeezed Callums hand to get his attention.
He caught his eye and rolled his lower lip in his teeth, flashing his best come to bed eyes.
Callum's eyebrows pulled together briefly, and he lifted his chin in a question. His eyes widened as Ben tilted his hips slowly into Callum's calf muscle, flicking his eyebrows up suggestively.
Callum's ears were immediately scarlet, his eyes screaming "Don't you dare", Ben angled himself up again imperceptibly, with a wicked glint in his eye. Callum pulled out his phone, typing away and almost immediately Ben felt his phone buzz in his jeans.

Babe 👅
Stop. That.

BEN (ICE)
No-ones watching... feels good

He punctuated that text with another slow grind.

Babe 👅
Have a day off will you we're in public

BEN (ICE)
I hadn't noticed. Don't you want me to feel good????

Babe 👅
I want you to behave

Ben looked up from his phone with a defiant smirk, dropping his head onto the arm of the sofa he arched his back and let out a loud throaty moan. Callum's face exploded scarlet as he covered his face with his hand.

Dotty called from her perch by Vinny "Ben, what the hell was that?!"
"This couch, mate, it just... so uncomfortable"
She frowned a little.
"Sounds like you've got a pleasure/pain thing going on"
"You've no idea" he winked, salaciously.
Dotty rolled her eyes and went back to glaring at the various happy strangers in her home.

Callum moved to pull his legs out of the danger zone, but Ben tightened his knees around them, holding his hands up in surrender.

"I'll be good!"

"That seems entirely unlikely" said a laughing voice.

"Hey! If it isn't Walford's favourite criminal lawyer!" Ben grinned up at Eve, happy to see her.

"You can do better than that, Mitchell. Go on, I'll give you a do-over"

"I'll get back to you..." He scrunched his face up in mock concentration "it'll be something to do with briefs, I should think."

"What are you doing here?" enquired Callum, twisting so Eve could perch on the sofa arm. "this doesn't exactly seem like your scene"

"No, it does not. Half Pint Panesar over there cornered me in the Minute Mart, said there was a "banging party" tonight - neglected to mention it was a children's party..." she cast a wary eye over the sea of teenagers.

"Is Stacey coming?" Callum asked, taking a sip of his beer

"I'm supposed to text her if it's any good, she's, um, busy with Kheerat"

"She's what?!" Ben's ears pricked up, he loved a bit of gossip

"Kheerat!?" Exclaimed Callum, at the same time

"Sshhh, mouth" Eve gave him a softish punch to the arm, nodding her head toward Vinny "its not exactly common knowledge"

"That they're playing hide the Mango Pickle?"

"Exactly."

"Well well well, Sharon to Stacey. He's working his way through the alphabet. Better give Sonia the heads up..." Ben snarked, causing Callum to almost spit his beer out.

"I think it's cute, she likes him and he seems like a decent man, which is rare in these parts. Present company semi excluded-"

"Oi!" Ben was faux indignant
"But yeah, I'll give him that. He's a good lad to have in your corner." Ben and Callum exchanged a meaningful smile and a hand squeeze.

"I'm not going to ask what that's about, but I am going to go." She went to stand, but Callum stopped her with a hand to her arm.

"No mate, stay! Grab a beer from the fridge. In fact - text Stacey to bring a bottle of something a bit harder and we'll make a night of it here! It's Friday, we're relatively young..." Ben guffawed and raised an eyebrow at Eve, who raised a finger in response, "a bottle of tequila, some drinking games it'll be a giggle"

"We could just go to the Albert and do the same..." countered Ben

"And hurt Dottys feelings?" Callum was too nice for his own good sometimes.

"About that ... which one is Dotty?" Eve asked, pulling a confused face.
"She the one having the absolute worst time here" mumbled Ben

Eve caught Dottys eye and plastered on a massive grin with a thumbs up. Dotty scowled at her.

"Yeah, wouldn't want to hurt that poor soul now would we?"

"Go and get a drink, and bring us back one too. We'll get her in the party mood or we're not Walfords Number One Gay Power Couple." Ben joked and called over to Dotty as Eve pushed her way to the kitchenette "Here, faceache, sit with us for a bit. From here you can frown at all the people in the kitchen!"

....

They all shrieked with glee, as Dotty yelled "This is the stupidest game!", taking a shot and letting Eve press the burnt end of the cork to her face.

"You're only saying that cos you're absolutely covered in dots, Dots!" Eve laughed

"How have you got none at all?" Dotty groaned

"A very talented tongue" was the reply, which had everyone falling around

"Is that true Stace?" grinned Zack

Stacey held her hands up, laughing too hard to speak at first, wiping tears from her eyes
"Mate, it's not that kind of marriage"

"Alright Dotty, you can do it, we believe in you!" Cheered Lola from her spot by Callums feet.

As the evening had progressed, all the strangers had drifted off to pubs or parties where the host wasn't shooting daggers at them, and in the end the 9 of them who actually knew one another were left crowded around Dotty's coffee table on sofas, laps, and cushions.
It had been pretty low key, till Nancy asked if anyone had ever played this daft drinking game she'd seen on TV...

Dotty necked her Punishment Shot - either a tequila or a belt of jalapeño hot sauce, loser's choice - took a deep breath and tried again.

"Number 4 ibble dibble with..." her eyes widened in panic, and Callum held up 9 fingers subtly "NINE dibble ibbles" She grinned wide with relief and Callum winked his wonky wink "calling number 7 ibble dibble with 3 dibble ibbles!"

A cheer went up from the table, and Dotty beamed. This was so much more fun than she was expecting it to be. Sure, most of the people round the table were a bit older than her and Vinny, but they were including her and having a laugh with her. No-one was frosty, or judgey, they were on her side. Just having a good time with her.
Something which had been missing from Dotty's life for longer than she cared to think about right now.

It wasn't like she was expecting them all to be immediate besties, but something deep inside her had unclenched, which she didn't even know had been holding in. Even if that was just for tonight, it felt fantastic.

Zack had successfully ibble dibbled to Lola who couldnt count how many dots Stacey had, knocked back her tequila and was marked up again. Callum, the proud owner of two black eyes and blackened dimples was doing hers; he had given her horns, and was working on a goatee, Nancy had earned a black nose and two adorable cheek dots from Zack who himself had dots under his eyes like gangster tattoos and a Chaplin moustache, Ben was rocking a T and a bit of a W on his forehead and in return had begun to form a cock and balls on Vinnys cheek. Eve had an unblemished face and proclaimed them all useless lightweights, whilst giving Stacey a handlebar moustache.

Eve stood up and announced "as the undisputed Ibble Dibble Champion of 2022, it is my Royal Decree-"

"Champions ain't Queens!" Intereuped Ben, loudly

"And clearly my love, Queens ain't Champions" She retorted, earning an "ooooooo!" from the seated drunks.

"As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted, I decree that we head to the Albert for some dancing and romancing!"

"Like this?! No way" cried Lola

"I reckon it'll be fun", laughed Dotty, to everyone's surprise.
"What? I like dancing! Plus, everyone will be pissed by now - who'll even care?"

"And if they do stare, we'll just tell them that we've been at the best party of the year and they're the ones who missed out!" Announced Nancy, getting to her feet.

"Alright, let's hit the dancefloor! Although..." Ben paused, finger held aloft, everyone turned to him.
"There is one thing we have to take care of before we go..." He drawled, taking the cork from Callum and catching Stacey's eye.

"Oh no," Eve began to slowly back off

"Oh yes..." nodded Ben, clambering off the sofa, tossing the cork to Stacey.

"That's not fair!" Eve cried as everyone caught on, and she realised she had nowhere to run.

"Get her!!" Shrieked Lola, as Vinny made a dive for Eve, who backed into Nancy who grabbed her waist. Eve was laughing so hard her legs went out from under her and she nearly fell to the ground as Stacey creased up next to her, cork in hand.

"Hold still, darling wife of mine!"

****

"Oh my Christ, its three spots away from blackface! I should be arrested!" Eve spluttered, looking at her reflection in the mirror behind the bar and rubbing at her face.

"You really shouldnt rub it, its only spreading it round!" laughed Callum with his arm around her. He grabbed some napkins from the bar caddy and dipped them in a glass of water, cleaning off Eve's nose and creating a few stripes on her cheeks.
"There, now you look like ... a ... cat? Maybe. "

"Thanks Cal, you're one in million. Get the drinks in?" She slapped him on the back as Stacey pulled her off to the dancefloor.

"Muggins" Cal whispered to himself, as a pair of arms snaked their way round his waist and he felt the warm weight of his beautiful husband against his back, nudging his face against his shoulder to get Callums attention.
The locked eyes in the mirror behind the bar, grinning like lovesick dopes.

"Thanks for dragging me out, babe, I'm having a brilliant time" Ben smiled into Callum's ear.

"Of course you are, when am I ever wrong?"

"If I answer that honestly, I probably won't get lucky tonight"

"Oi," Callum laughed, swaying backwards to put Ben off balance. "Trust me, sweetheart, you're on a promise. Even if you look like a bit of a twat."

Ben stretched up and kissed him deeply, just slightly on the wrong side of inappropriately, and pulled back with a grin.

"Let's take these shots over to that group of reprobates, shall we? Then I'm going to dance all over you till they ask us to leave and I'll take you home and do unspeakable things to each other."

"Or pass out on the couch with some McClunkeys" Lola appeared at their elbow with a knowing grin, grabbing the tray of shots and beckoning them both to follow her.

"Or that.. we are so old, after all," Ben laughed, kissed him again, and led Callum onto the dancefloor, raising a glass with friends to the coolest place in town - Dotty Cotton's New Flat.