Work Text:
Sangwoo was fully aware his brain worked best in binaries. Clear, discrete buckets where things belonged. Black and white. But Jaeyoung had brought so much gray into his world. And red. And technicolor. It was terrifying and astounding all at once.
But just like any new adjustment, there were ways to adapt. Sangwoo had figured out how to shift his expectations, understand the new framework of their relationship. Create a new list of requirements and write a new script.
Having a sense of those expectations made Sangwoo feel more settled, more at ease.
He had broken down their physical intimacy into levels. They started in level 1, where Jaeyoung warned him if he wanted to touch him. They had moved onto level 2, where Jaeyoung didn’t have to warn, Sangwoo expected it now, but the touch was limited to specific areas, pats on the head, kisses on the lips, the face. It all felt close, but not too overwhelming and when it did, Sangwoo would just say it, and Jaeyoung always took a step back.
“I need a bit of time for level 3,” he said, one afternoon when they were sitting on the floor of his apartment and their kissing had gotten more intense. Jaeyoung’s hand had slid down to Sangwoo’s hips and his thumb moved under his sweatshirt, sliding against the skin of his waist.
It was startling. Not bad. No, that wasn’t the problem. He had simply not expected it and the shock of it all had been so distracting it made him feel as though he needed to reset.
“What’s level 3?” Jaeyoung asked, completely serious. And it did things to Sangwoo’s body when Jaeyoung looked at him that way, so sincerely waiting for Jaeyoung to tell him what he needed. So many people had acted like Sangwoo’s way of thinking was off putting and strange. Even Jaeyoung seemed to need some time to get used to it, but then, once he did, even when he teased Sangwoo about it, he seemed to get it.
Sangwoo always felt the need to be who he was, regardless of what people thought, but he never understood that it would feel different to be accepted for it. It was as though something that was wound tight inside him was slowly starting to loosen.
“Touching like that, underclothes, below the waist,” Sangwoo said.
“Oh, like the bases,” Jaeyoung said, a sly smile on his face.
“Bases?” Sangwoo asked.
“Yeah, it’s a metaphor about baseball bases being different levels of sexual contact. You aren’t ready for the next base. It’s okay, do you want to go back to work?” Jaeyoung asked, pulling away and settling himself with some space between them.
It somehow seemed to have the opposite effect. Sangwoo felt the lack of Jaeyoung’s presence almost immediately. He wished he hadn’t said anything. Sangwoo had this ache that was gnawing at him whenever they touched, like he could never be satisfied, and even in those moments when he felt too uncomfortable, it didn’t go away, it merely got all mixed up together the want and the discomfort and he didn’t know how to separate it. To put the boundaries back around it.
“Everything should have a logical syntax,” Sangwoo said. “In our work and in our relationship.” He was tense, even though he didn’t want to be. “A right way to proceed, steps to follow.”
Jaeyoung turned and smiled at him, his lip curling a bit, and it made Sangwoo’s brain blue screen. “Sometimes that isn’t the way things work,” he said. “But I understand what you are saying and I promised to listen to you.” He faced his computer again. “I know it might be hard to recognize, but this is me, listening.”
“I know,” Sangwoo said, now flustered. “I didn’t mean you.”
“Okay,” Jaeyoung said, nodding and turning his attention again.
“How are you so calm?” Sangwoo blurted, surprising even himself at his intensity level. “You seem to like kissing, we kiss a lot, but you don’t seem to care if we don’t do more?”
“Do you think because I stay calm outwardly when you ask me to stop that I somehow don’t feel the same way? Do you usually see me so composed in other aspects of my life?”
“No,” Sangwoo said. “That’s my point.”
“Then logically, you could assess that something is different here right?”
“Yes,” Sangwoo said, frowning. “But I can’t tell what.”
Jaeyoung shifted his body to move closer again, leaning forward so that they were looking at each other square on. This close, Sangwoo always liked to examine the little strands of hair that separated in his bangs, falling over his forehead. When they were quiet together, he liked to feel how soft they were between his fingers.
But even that was hard to focus on. His eyes were drawn to Jaeyoung’s lips as he chewed on them. They always felt so good to the touch, so warm, so exciting.
“Are you ready for me to tell you?” Jaeyoung asked after a few moments.
“What?” Sangwoo asked. “Oh, I mean yes,” he said. He could feel his face get warmer. He had totally lost track of what they were discussing.
Jaeyoung laughed. He raised his hand to pat Sangwoo’s head. “I’m outwardly calm because it takes all my focus to not be distracted by the ways I want to touch you.” Sangwoo flicked his eyes to the spot between them, where the sides of their legs were pressing together. Looking at Jaeyoung now was really too much. “When you tell me you’re ready, you’ll find out,” Jaeyoung said, moving again to separate. “And in the meantime I take care of it myself.”
Sangwoo was having trouble breathing. It was as if all the body sensations he was having were weighing him down and he needed to work to keep oxygen going to his brain. “You…you what?”
“I jerk off,” Jaeyoung said, clicking on his laptop as if he didn’t just say something that broke Sangwoo’s brain.
Sangwoo suddenly was supplied with a very explicit, very real image of Jaeyoung touching himself and fuck.
“Sangwoo?” Jaeyoung said. “Are you there?” He was grinning, waving his hand in front of Sangwoo’s face to get his attention. “Don’t you ever do that?”
“No,” he said, his answer clipped. He realized it sounded prudish, but it simply wasn’t ever anything he felt the need to do.
“Ohhh,” Jaeyoung said, nodding slowly. “Well, I can help you figure out what you like.”
“You what?” Sangwoo said, all his responses seem to be increasingly less intelligible.
“You figure out what you like by what feels good when you touch yourself, or when someone else does,” he said, closing his laptop. “But I gotta say, I don’t think I can talk about this anymore. It is…getting difficult. How about we take some time and we can have dinner together?”
“Difficult, as in you are turned on?” Sangwoo asked, his insides completely stirred up.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna, you know,” he said, moving his eyebrow suggestively. “And then we can be together when we’ve both regrouped a bit.”
He placed the laptop on the table and started to shift to get up. Sangwoo stopped thinking. He grabbed Jaeyoung by the collar and said, “Hey, no, don’t go.”
“Are you trying to torture me?” Jaeyoung asked, a light teasing in his voice. “Always a cruel boss. I promise to do more work later.”
But Sangwoo pulled more on him and they started to scuffle a bit, Jaeyoung trying to get free, Sangwoo trying to pull him closer.
This was something they did now, teasing each other this way, playing around, and Sangwoo liked it. Jaeyoung was so much larger than Sangwoo, but still, he never was too forceful, typically giving in pretty easily. And so it was that habit that likely made it so he sat back down again, after Sangwoo’s insistent pulling.
Sangwoo was fueled by something more intense than he had felt before. He had an impulse, this time not ignoring it and instead climbing into Jaeyoung’s lap.
“I have a better suggestion,” he said, pleased to see the surprised look on Jaeyoung’s face. “Why don’t we try level 3 instead.”
Jaeyoung swallowed. “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”
“I know,” Sangwoo said, leaning in and kissing him, but this one was purposeful, deep. He moved his tongue into Jaeyoung’s mouth, a wordless demonstration that he was pushing things forward, more certain of what he wanted now. When he pulled back, he simply said, “Lay down.”
Sangwoo wasn’t sure if he had ever seen Jaeyoung move so fast. He shifted his body, twisting them both and laying out on the floor with Sangwoo straddled on top of him. Jaeyoung seemed to be watching him and waiting, breathing harder from their reorientation. His hands had settled on Sangwoo’s thighs, a touch that he had most definitely not experienced before. He most definitely didn’t hate it. Didn’t even feel that strange feeling from before. It was nice, being held onto this way, secure, like this wasn’t fleeting, this was solid.
“So you like kissing like this?” Sangwoo asked, pressing his lips lightly to Jaeyoung’s then pulling back.
“Yes, like this, very much,” Jaeyoung said.
“And you want to touch me,” Sangwoo said, sure of this. He merely felt the need to restate the givens, so that he could get some clarity. “How do you want to touch me?”
“Under your clothes, on your skin, feeling your body pressed against mine.” He spoke quietly as he trailed a finger over Sangwoo’s face, tracing from forehead to his chin, moving down to his shoulder and down, until he reached Sangwoo’s hand pressed against his chest. It was a reminder of how slow and careful he was, that he would give him the chance to say if things felt not right. Sangwoo knew this for certain. It was never one of the unknowns he was managing.
“Okay,” Sangwoo said, shifting to lay his body out on top of Jaeyoung. As he slid his body down, one of his thighs slotted between Jaeyoung’s legs. And it was suddenly apparent that Jaeyoung was very hard. Sangwoo involuntarily pulled his leg up, exploring the unanticipated sensation.
Jaeyoung made a noise, low and unrestrained. Sangwoo had never heard him do that before. He wanted to hear it again, study it, figure out how to do it again. “Was that something?” he asked.
“Yes,” Jaeyoung said, one of his hands gently stroking Sangwoo’s back as they laid pressed close.
“Let’s keep doing that then,” he said, moving his thigh again.
Jaeyoung tilted his head back and let out a low, “fuck.” His hips shifted, his legs spread wide, Sangwoo’s body between them.
Jaeyoung’s own hardness pressed against Sangwoo’s body, sending a shock through him. A strange, but deep noise escaped from his own throat. All his restraint was crumbling with every motion. Pressed against each other like this, it was as if all the feelings Sangwoo had been experiencing concentrated in one sensitive point on his body, then radiated through him, taking everything over.
It really was like a bug in his system. But one he didn’t want to fix.
Jaeyoung responded to his movement, tilting his hips up so that Sangwoo’s upper body shifted back to his level. And he kissed Sangwoo, holding him as they moved against each other’s bodies.
Jaeyoung’s hands slid to Sangwoo’s ass and he pulled him in hard, their bodies finding friction with each thrust against each other. Something deep inside Sangwoo snapped, a power surge throughout his entire body, flooding his system and taking his brain entirely offline. He dropped his face to Jaeyoung’s chest, holding onto him tightly as his body sensations took over, little aftershocks sending shivers down his spine.
He laid there quietly, listening to Jaeyoung’s heart beat. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t fully comprehend what had happened. It was the most surreal feeling he had ever experienced.
“Sangwoo? Are you okay?” Jaeyoung asked, combing his fingers through Sangwoo’s hair.
He nodded, still trying to regain his words. “Yeah,” he said, breathing heavily. “That might have been level 4.”
“Yeah,” Jaeyoung said. “Is that okay? I didn’t realize…”
Sangwoo pushed himself up so he could see Jaeyoung. His expression was strange. Worried.
“It’s fine. It was more than fine. I think you could tell.”
“I hoped so,” Jaeyoung said, moving his hand to Sangwoo’s face. “Look at you. Your face is so red. It’s so cute.”
Sangwoo batted Jaeyoung’s hand away. “What about you? Shouldn’t you have to be cute?”
“I’m guessing you are gonna want to clean up right now.”
Sangwoo’s head dropped, looking in the direction that Jaeyoung had nodded towards. His pants had an obvious wet spot that he hadn’t really noticed in the moment. And that observation was shocking enough in and of itself.
“Are you trying to get away to go get off somewhere else?” Sangwoo asked.
Jaeyoung raised his hand to his mouth that had dropped open wide. “Sangwoo, you're filthy,” he said.
“Yes,” he said, “I now am aware.” He didn’t mean to sound so sarcastic but something about this entire situation was escalating toward the peak of ridiculousness. And it was completely frustrating, the idea of Jaeyoung getting to be with him when that happened and then Jaeyoung going off and feeling like that alone.
Sangwoo wanted him to feel like that with him. “I’ll take a shower, but first you finish.”
“What?” Jaeyoung’s voice cracked a bit. He was still smiling so stupidly, it was so incredibly sexy. Sangwoo hated it. He never wanted it to stop.
“You said you were going to take care of it. Show me.”
Jaeyoung blinked at him for a minute, a dazed look in his eye. Sangwoo grabbed his hand and moved it to Jaeyoung's crotch and said, “Show me how you like it.”
He didn’t say anything in response, but he shifted his body so that he was laying on his side and slipped his hand under the waistband of his pants. Sangwoo laid out on his side too, facing him, leaning his head on his own outstretched arm.
Jaeyoung's pants shifted in a rhythm, the cloth stretching up and down as the muscles in his arms flexed. His free arm was also outstretched, his fingers lightly touching Sangwoo’s wrist. Jaeyoung’s breathing intensified as his hand movement became more rapid. His eyelashes fluttered, his face tensed as a flush rose on his cheeks.
He was always basically the most handsome person Sangwoo had ever seen, but now, he was glowing. “Sangwoo,” he said. “I’m close.” Sangwoo grabbed a box of tissues and he placed a few on Jaeyoung’s stomach. And Jaeyoung laughed in a way that was different, free and unrestrained. “Always practical,” he said.
And then Sangwoo kissed him softly, taking in the way Jaeyoung’s lips were quivering as his body tensed, letting loose a deep muffled noise as he kissed Sangwoo back. And finally, falling back, his body relaxing on the ground.
Jaeyoung laid there motionless with his eyes closed, the quiet stretching between them.
Observing him, Sangwoo was reminded of books he used to read about the universe. He liked them for the facts, the number of planets, ages of stars, distances between galaxies. But he would often find descriptions in those books of those witnessing some sort of natural wonder, like an aurora or a streaming comet, as if it was something that once you saw it, the immensity of it changed your life. He thought it was merely some sort of silly romanticization people did to give their life meaning. He had no frame of reference for that kind of feeling.
But he did now.
“You should throw that away,” Sangwoo said, eyeing the crumpled up tissue in Jaeyoung’s hand.
“Look at you, such a sweet talker,” Jaeyoung said with a laugh.
Right. Sometimes Sangwoo forgot that Jaeyoung didn’t have a direct line right into his head because he so often seemed like he did. “Thank you for letting me see that,” he said. “I really liked it.” He shifted to get up off the floor. “Maybe next time I can help.”
Jaeyoung froze for a moment, seemingly like he was having his own glitch. “Is that level 4 still?” he asked.
“Mmm,” he said, tilting his head, considering. “I think so.”
“What about taking a shower together?” he asked, sitting up. There was something eager in his voice, finally letting Sangwoo hear what he wanted.
Sangwoo smiled because he couldn’t help it. But he refocused, putting on his most severe expression. “That sounds like level 5,” he said. “But maybe you can make it to the next one quickly.”
“Wait, what does that mean?” Jaeyoung asked.
Sangwoo smirked, finally feeling as though he was starting to understand Jaeyoung as much as he understood Sangwoo. “If you work hard, sometimes there are rewards.”
“Are you serious?” Jaeyoung asked, looking a bit perplexed.
“Sure, you just need to follow the rules. And you’re good at that.” He walked toward the bathroom door. “And the rules say you have to go take a shower so we can go eat something.”
Jaeyoung bit back a smile, covering his face slightly with his hand.
“Now,” Sangwoo said.
Jaeyoung scrambled to his feet, gathered up his things and threw the tissue in the garbage.
“I’ll be back in twenty minutes,” he said, shoving his feet into his sneakers.
Sangwoo pointed at the clock on his microwave. “I’ll be timing you,” he said.
“I would expect nothing less,” he said, stopping to smile wide at Sangwoo and then slipping out the door.
Sangwoo stood there for a minute, still absorbing the look on Jaeyoung’s face. The way his eyes went dark when Sangwoo made his intentions clear. This was definitely level 5.
And it was going to be fun.