Chapter Text
Dazai’s eyes fluttered open, seeing the sunshine in the unfamiliar room. He looked at the boxes surrounding the room; some were open, and some were not. Dazai rubbed his eyes to wake himself up, only to have a hand slap his face. Dazai groaned, pulling the hand away from him to see the silver band around the ring finger. He smiled at it, turning his head over to see Chuuya’s sleeping face, drool smudged all over his cheek. He chuckled, turning his body to wrap his arms and leg over Chuuya’s body.
“Mmm…” Chuuya groaned, weakly pushing him away, “Get the fuck off me.” Dazai kissed the crook of Chuuya’s neck, “Never.”
“God, you’re relentless,” Chuuya sighed, finally opening his eyes. He scanned the unfamiliar room, looking at all the unpacked items, and groaned again. “How long have we been in the house again?” He asked.
“Mmm. About three days,” Dazai answered.
“Jesus. And it still looks like we haven’t gotten shit done,” he said. Dazai smirked, lifting his head up to look at Chuuya. “Well, if Chuuya would stop seducing me, then maybe we would actually get something done around this place,” Dazai said, leading with a sigh.
“Eh?! You’re the one that seduced me!” Chuuya exclaimed, bolting up from the bed, “Ow!” Chuuya yelped out, placing a hand on his back. Dazai began laughing, pointing his finger at Chuuya. “Seems like you forgot to stretch before we did it. Ah, face it, Chuuya, we’re getting old,” Dazai said.
“Fuck you. And if that’s the case, then I would hate to see how sore your body is when you get up ‘cause I know that the way I had you last night, you wouldn’t be able to get up,” Chuuya said. Dazai smiled and laid back down, “Well, if that’s the case, then I guess you’ll have to do all the work for me.”
“Ha! Like hell I will! Plus, need I remind you that we promised Tachihara, Higuchi, and Gin that we would babysit tonight,” Chuuya reminded him. Dazai whined, “Ah, I forgot about that.”
“Yeah, now get up and help me ‘cause there’s no way in hell I’m gonna do all this by myself,” Chuuya said, getting up slowly from the futon. Dazai groaned, rolling himself over, “I don’t wanna get up,” Dazai whined again.
Chuuya began rummaging through the boxes, pulling out a shirt and shorts for him to wear. “That’s too damn bad,” Chuuya muttered.
“How about we play a game?” Dazai suggested. Chuuya rolled his eyes. “What kind of game?” Chuuya asked disinterestedly.
“How about a game of hide and seek? The loser has to empty the boxes and put away things while the winner has to accompany Kyouka,” Dazai said. Chuuya smirked, putting on his shorts.
“Are you sure you wanna play that game with me?” Chuuya asked.
“Of course! But I’m afraid Chuuya would get so angry that he would lose,” Dazai teased.
“Oh, you don’t know how wrong you are, pretty boy. I can sense you from miles away,” Chuuya admitted. Dazai raised his eyebrow, intrigued by what Chuuya was saying.
“Oh, how so?” Dazai asked.
“Hmm. Well, I guess it’s like this feeling in the pit of my stomach that says, ‘warning: asshole ahead.’ You know, like a road sign or something,” Chuuya said. Dazai glared at him. He wasn’t expecting that kind of response from him.
“That’s not true,” Dazai told him. Chuuya sighed and said, “Fine. I guess we’ll just have to find out.”
“I guess we will,” Dazai said, determined. He took the covers off of him, standing up immediately from the futon, only to be met with the ground again, falling to his hands and knees.
“Pfft!” Chuuya laughed, “If that’s how your body is, then I have no doubt I’ll win!”
Dazai winced from the sore pain in his legs, shaking his head. “I just need a hot bath and to stretch. That’s all,” Dazai said through the pain.
“Whatever,” Chuuya said.
—
Chuuya tiptoed through the house, walking through the hallway, only to be met with that feeling in his stomach that made him roll his eyes in annoyance. He looked to the closet to his right, opening it to see Dazai falling out of it head first.
“Really? The closet? I thought those days were over?” Chuuya teased with a smile on his face. Dazai got up slowly, dusting his pants, smiling down at Chuuya passive-aggressively.
“One more time,” Dazai ordered, but before Chuuya could fight him on it, there was a sudden knock on the door. Chuuya smirked up at Dazai, “Six to one. I’ll leave the boxes all to you,” Chuuya said, patting Dazai on the shoulder as he walked down the hall to open the door.
“Hi!” Everyone greeted. Chuuya smiled at them, watching as Kyouka ran to his arms, pulling her up, despite the dull pain in his back.
“Hey! It’s been a long time since I saw you!” Chuuya told her. The little girl laughed, “Uncle Chuuya, it’s only been three days!”
“So? That seems like a long time to me,” Chuuya said, poking the girl’s nose. Chuuya looked over to Gin, Higuchi, and Tachihara, letting them in the house.
“How the fuck have you guys not done shit around here?” Tachihara asked.
“Well, I would say why, but unfortunately, we are in the presence of the innocent,” Dazai said.
“Uncle Dazai!” The little girl reached her arms towards Dazai, to which Dazai responded with a funny face, grabbing her away from Chuuya, sticking his tongue at him, and taking her into the garden to play. Chuuya glared at him.
“Well, can’t say I’m surprised,” Gin said.
“So, Akutagawa and Atsushi are picking you guys up here to go to the airport for your little couple’s trip?” Chuuya asked Gin and Higuchi.
“Yeah, they should be here in a few minutes,” Higuchi answered.
“Is Kyouka still gonna spend the night here?” Chuuya asked Tachihara.
“I told her, yeah, but if the date is a bust, I’ll be here by 8:30,” Tachihara said, searching into the cabinets for a glass. “For fuck sake, not even a glass? How is Kyouka supposed to have her juice?” Tachihara said.
Chuuya frowned, “What’s up your ass?” Chuuya asked, seeing the clear annoyance in Tachihara’s voice.
Gin chuckled, “He’s just nervous. This is his first date in a long time, and he is just not used to being apart from Kyouka for more than a whole workday.” Tachihara flipped her off.
“I’m not nervous,” Tachihara proclaimed.
“Oh, yeah? How long has it been since you got laid?” Chuuya asked. Tachihara bit his lip, looking down at the floor. “Three years…” Tachihara mumbled.
“Jesus, Tachihara. Go get laid, for fuck sake!” Chuuya exclaimed. Tachihara buried his face in his hands, “Fuck you guys. And for the record, I have a good feeling about tonight. He’s a librarian near Kyouka’s school, so you know he’s smart and shit.”
They all laughed. “Are you just worried because it’s been so long that you don’t know how you would react?” Chuuya asked. Tachihara sighed, “Yeah… I mean, he knows I have a daughter and stuff since I’m always with her. And I talked to him about me being married platonically and shit and how we kind of did it to defy the whole government, and he thought it was super cool, and then he asked me out.”
“Aw! Looks like Tachihara’s already got himself a boyfriend,” Gin teased, throwing her arm around his neck. He rolled his eyes and said, “Whatever. I just don’t know what to talk about since my whole life revolves around Kyouka, and what if I talk about her too much or do one of my dad lectures about which detergent is my favorite to get mud and grass stains out from colored clothing.”
“Listen, she’s your life, man. And those who aren’t willing to acknowledge that she comes first don’t deserve your time,” Chuuya said. Tachihara smiled and nodded, “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Uncle Chuuya! Come play with us!” Kyouka ordered. Chuuya smiled as he looked back at the little girl, then back to Tachihara, Gin, and Higuchi. “You heard the little lady. I’ll be off,” Chuuya said, jogging towards them.
Tachihara watched them peacefully as they began to run around the garden laughing and smiling, while Chuuya started to yell at Dazai as Dazai and Kyouka began to laugh hysterically. It seemed like deja vu to him.
“What’s on your mind?” Gin asked him. Tachihara chuckled and looked over at Gin and Higuchi, “It’s nothing, just a conversation I had with Chuuya a while ago that I just remembered.”
They both smiled back at him, turning to look back at Chuuya and Dazai playing and running around with their daughter. Higuchi’s phone suddenly went off; answering it, “Hello…? Oh hey, Atsushi… You’re almost here? Okay, we’ll be out in a bit,” Higuchi said.
“Are they here?” Gin asked. Higuchi nodded, “Yeah.” Gin and Higuchi began to walk towards the garden to where their daughter, Chuuya, and Dazai were while Tachihara wordlessly followed.
“Okay, guys, we’re off!” Higuchi announced.
“Mama!” Kyoka screamed as she leaped into Higuchi’s arms.
“Oh! Me and Mommy are gonna miss you so much!” Higuchi cooed as she smothered the little girl with kisses.
“I’ll miss you guys so much! But Papa said that you’ll call every day to check in on us,” she said. Gin kneeled down and gave her a big hug and kiss. “Remembered what we talked about, okay?”
Kyouka nodded, “Don’t eat sweets before dinner. Bedtime at nine. And if Uncle Dazai tries to give me candy, tell Uncle Chuuya, and he’ll deal with him.” Gin cheered and put her hand to her for a high five. Kyouka smiled and slammed her hand against hers.
“Okay, Kyouka. Mommy and Mama will see you in a week.” Higuchi told her. Kyoka nodded and waved at her mothers as they grabbed their luggage and walked out the door.
Tachihara scooped her up and planted a kiss on her forehead. “Papa, when are you leaving?” she asked.
“Hmm. Maybe in about thirty minutes. Why? Are you waiting for me to leave so Uncle Dazai can sneak some sweets in?” Tachihara joked.
“Hey! I would never do such a thing!” Dazai defended himself.
“Oh, shut up! You’ve been spoiling her appetite since she was able to chew solids,” Chuuya said.
“Atsushi’s been doing it too. How could we ever say no to such a sweet child,” Dazai cooed as he lightly pinched her cheeks, making her giggle.
“Okay, but seriously guys, you know that sweets will ruin her appetite, so please try not to give her any before she’s had a proper meal,” Tachihara pleaded to them.
“Papa? Is that nice man from the library gonna be my other Papa?” Kyouka asked. Tachihara stared at her blankly, not saying a word for what seemed like a while.
“Well! I guess I will be off now,” Tachihara said, passing her to Chuuya.
“Wait! You didn’t answer her question!” Chuuya mocked.
“Yeah, is little Kyouka gonna have another Papa?” Dazai played along.
Tachihara shook his head as he walked off, as they followed suit. “I’m not answering that.”
“It’s okay, Papa. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll find another Mama or Papa just for you!” Kyouka cheered. Tachihara couldn’t help but laugh at his daughter’s remark. “Ah, you know too much for a six-year-old,” he told her, planting his hand on her head and kissing her cheek.
“I sometimes wonder where she got her brains from ‘cause I know damn well she couldn’t have got it from you or Gin,” Chuuya joked. Tachihara gave Chuuya an unimpressed look while Dazai tried to hold in his laugh.
“Okay. I’m off. I’ll pick you up tomorrow, and then we can have father-daughter breakfast and go shopping to get you more hair clips,” Tachihara told her. Kyouka smiled widely and nodded her head.
“Bye, Papa!” Kyouka said, waving her hand goodbye to Tachihara as he got in his car and drove off.
When Tachihara was finally out of sight, Kyouka looked over at Dazai and asked, “Uncle Dazai, do you think I can have that candy you promised me the last time I saw you?” Before Dazai could answer, Chuuya shook his head, “Hell no. You better not give her any sweets. She’ll be flying off the walls if you do.”
Dazai smiled childishly at him and said, “If I recall correctly, I think you would have to deal with a hyper child since I lost the game.” Chuuya’s face went pale. “You wouldn’t.”
Dazai’s grin only grew as he knelt down to Kyouka. “I’ll give you the candy if only you convince Uncle Chuuya to help me,” he said. The little girl’s eyes brightened as she turned to Chuuya, tugging his shirt. “Uncle Chuuya, you have to help Uncle Dazai. He can’t do everything all by himself. Remember the last time you left him to cook dinner. You almost had a fire!” Chuuya clenched his teeth, “I really don’t like how right you are… Fine! But you have to help, too,” Chuuya told her. Kyouka cheered, “Okay!” She ran into the house and began to open random boxes.
“Well, I guess we better get started,” Dazai said, throwing his arm around Chuuya. Chuuya glared up at him, clicking his tongue as he walked away and began to help Kyouka unpack.
Kyouka pulled out a photo album and began to look through it, seeing her parents all young and smiling. “Uncle Chuuya, was this Momma, Mommy, and Papa before they had me?” She asked. Chuuya looked over and nodded, “Yeah. That’s when we were twenty-two… I think that was on New Year’s.” Kyouka looked puzzled, “Where are you, Uncle Chuuya?”
Chuuya chuckled and looked over at the picture, then turned to Dazai, who was trying to hold his laugh. “Um… Well, your Mama, Mommy, and Papa decided to play a big prank on Uncle Chuuya and me, so they locked us in a room until after the countdown was over,” Dazai answered.
Kyouka frowned, “What were you guys doing in there for all that time?” she asked. Chuuya nervously laughed and grabbed the album from her. “Nothing!” Dazai and Chuuya both said in unison. She shrugged and began pulling out more albums.
“Is this Momma and Mommy’s wedding?! Was Mommy pregnant with me here?” Kyouka asked. Chuuya smiled and said, “Yes. I remember your Mommy was crying so much that day.” She smiled, and she began turning the pages, frowning again. “Why isn’t Uncle Dazai in any of these other pictures?” She asked. Chuuya looked over at Dazai, seeing him trying not to pay any attention to their conversation, keeping his expression as still as possible. Chuuya could still see the guilt on his face, no matter how still his expression was.
“Uncle Dazai was away in New York to work at a publishing company. That’s why he wasn’t there,” Chuuya explained. Kyouka’s eyes widened with childlike wonder. “That’s so awesome! Did you see the Statue of Liberty?” She asked. Dazai laughed, “Yes. I even went to other places. Like I went to Paris,” Dazai admitted. Chuuya’s head looked back at him, frowning. “You went to Paris?” Chuuya asked in shock.
Dazai laughed as he went over to Chuuya, holding him and placing a kiss on his cheek. “Oh, Chuuya. I did it just to spite you, of course,” Dazai teased. Chuuya gave him an unimpressed look.
“Tch!” Chuuya pushed him off him as Kyouka looked through the box again, finding the familiar journals that Dazai knew too well. Kyouka began to skim through them, puzzled, “What are these?” She asked.
Dazai snatched the journal away and slapped the journal closed. “Oh, that’s just some old things I recorded over the past something years when I was young,” he answered with a smile.
“Like a diary?” She asked. Chuuya tried to hold in his laugh as Dazai shook his head, “No, a journal,” he corrected.
“But that’s like a diary,” she said.
“No, it’s not,” Dazai denied.
“Is too.”
“Is not.”
“Is too.”
“Is not.”
“Ugh! You’re arguing with a six-year-old!” Chuuya exclaimed.
“So?” Dazai asked. Chuuya rolled his eyes, got up from the floor, and began looking through the rest of the boxes. “Oh! Look at this!” Chuuya said as he held up a videotape.
Dazai and Kyouka rushed to Chuuya’s side, looking at the movie. Dazai smiled, snatching the film away from him, “Oh, man! I remember we saw this movie together in San Francisco when we visited Verlaine… Ah, I loved this movie,” Dazai said.
“What is the movie called? I don’t know English,” Kyouka said.
“It’s called… Um… Totally Fucked Up,” Chuuya answered hesitantly.
“What’s it about?” She asked.
“Maybe when you’re older, you can watch the movie with us,” Chuuya said.
“But I want to know!” She pleaded.
“It’s about six friends who try and figure out their lives and stuff,” Dazai answered.
“Oh! And what’s your favorite movie Uncle Chuuya?” She asked, satisfied with the answer Dazai gave her.
“Well… It’s called My Own Private Idaho. It’s about these two guys going all around the United States in search of something they want, and even though it’s a sad ending, it was beautiful,” Chuuya said
Dazai snickered as he looked at the box and pulled out another movie, “Oh, man! I loved this movie too! This was so kafkaesque!” Dazai claimed.
Chuuya rolled his eyes, “The guy just turned into a fucking beetle in the end. What the fuck is ‘kafkaesque anyway, you pretentious asshole?” Chuuya asked.
Dazai was stunned. “It’s the absurdism of life! After Dark and Montgomery are finally able to be together and have a heart-to-heart, he turns into a beetle! It’s filled with depression, sadness, yearning, gore, and the sickness of life with vibrant colors. It’s similar to The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, but what would Chuuya know?” Dazai mocked. Chuuya clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, “All have you know, I do know! I’ve read Kafka before, damn it!” Chuuya yelled.
“Yap yap yap! If you read Kafka, you would know how the term kafkaesque works, and this movie is all about the absurdism of life in the most existentialist way,” Dazai said.
“God, you are so fucking annoying!”
“Me? Annoying? Oh, Chuuya, don’t make me laugh,” Dazai teased.
Kyouka began laughing, catching Chuuya and Dazai’s attention. “You two are funny when you fight,” she observed. Chuuya wanted to smile, but he kept a straight face as he looked back at Dazai, who didn’t bother hiding his own, smiling down at him. Though it wasn’t childish nor in a mocking manner, it was sweet and soft.
“How are we funny, Kyouka?” Chuuya asked.
“You two fight as if you hate each other, but I know that you guys love each other like Mommy and Mama and how Uncle Atsushi and Uncle Akutagawa love each other,” she answered. Chuuya chuckled and shook his head, “You really are smart for a six-year-old.”
Kyouka smiled proudly and nodded, returning to the journal and giving it to Dazai. “I saw Uncle Chuuya’s name all over it… Why did you write about him?” She asked. Dazai chuckled, trying to find a way out of the conversation.
“How do you know how to read kanji?” He asked. She shrugged and said, “Mama, Papa, and Mommy have Uncle Chuuya’s name like this on their phones, so it was similar,” she noted. Dazai nodded and bit his lip, looking up at Chuuya, pretending to not notice their conversation as he emptied more of the boxes.
“Um… Well, it’s a journal about him… about how I first met him and… fell in love with him,” he answered. She smiled softly up at him.
“Why?” She asked. Dazai tried hiding his smile from her and said, “Well, I guess I just wanted to write about something worth writing about.” She hummed, acknowledging the answer, and left to go help Chuuya. Dazai stood there watching Kyouka take out the items from the boxes with Chuuya, asking him questions about all their household items that she had never seen before. Dazai looked down at the journal, running his fingers against the leather cover. He set it aside on the table as he continued to help unpack.
—
“Uncle Dazai! Where’s the candy you promised me?” Kyouka asked. Dazai smiled and said, “Ah, I can’t get anything passed you.” He walked over to the cabinet, realizing he didn’t have any.
“Sorry, Kyouka. Seems like I ran out,” Dazai said. She sighed, pouting her lip. Dazai didn’t want to admit aloud that he hated that she did that because it made him feel weak, though Chuuya never failed to remind him when they were alone. Dazai let out a soft moan, “I’ll go to the store,” he said, making Chuuya laugh a bit. Dazai rolled his eyes and grabbed his house keys as he headed out the door.
Dazai walked alongside the street, lighting a cigarette and watching the cars go by. He looked up at the bright blue sky, reminding him of Chuuya. He thought about the journal and the journal entries he had written about himself. For some reason, he felt nostalgic to read through them, to see the journey that took him way too long to get through. He knew that if he wasn’t a complete idiot, he and Chuuya would’ve had this life sooner, but as the saying goes, ‘Better late than never,’ he thought.
He put out his cigarette before entering the convenience store, looking through the many candy selections, and thinking about which one she might like best. He eventually grabbed a bunch that he thought would suit her taste pallet. He paid for the candy, walking out with the bag in hand. He lit another cigarette as he walked back home.
‘Home…’ he thought. He smiled at the thought of going home to the fiery redhead that he had met at that gay bar by accident. He was glad that he stumbled into that bar by accident; he was glad that his subconscious took him there to see his life awaiting him. Though it took him many months and years to get it, he was happy that he finally got it. The only thing that actually went right in his life, though it took much trial and error.
Dazai finally got home. Before he could announce that he was home, he heard Kyouka begging Chuuya to play his guitar, which he did. “Fine. Any request?” He asked her, but the silence told Dazai that she didn’t know. Dazai kept himself hidden from their sight, only peeking to see Chuuya play the guitar he had gifted him for his twenty-third birthday.
He began to play, strumming the guitar beautifully, hearing the song echo through the house as he softly sang, “Hello… I’ve waited here for you… Everlong…”
Dazai had to bite down on his lip as he heard him sing, thinking about all those times they had together. They had always been waiting for one another; even if it took seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, or lifetimes, they would wait for one another. Dazai knew that no matter how things turned out, they would always find their way back to one another, even if they were old and grey. Dazai knew that no matter how many times it took, it would always be them against the world, and they would win every time. Chuuya’s strength and power to be himself and Dazai’s ability to adapt were the keys to fighting against the world, but they always did it hand in hand, never letting the other go.
“Yay!” Kyouka cheered, clapping her hands. “That was so cool, Uncle Chuuya!”
Chuuya laughed and set the guitar down back in the case. “Thanks, kid,” he said, patting her head. Dazai could feel his chest closing in on him. He never thought it would be possible to love someone more and more as the seconds passed, but there he was, standing there, admiring the man he tried so hard not to love. ‘Why did I ever do that?’ he questioned himself. To this day, he still didn’t understand it.
He emerged from the corner with a big smile, “I’m home!” Kyouka rushed to him. “Uncle Dazai! You should’ve seen Uncle Chuuya play. He looked so cool with that guitar you have him! I always saw him play that little beat-up one, but never with that guitar! He was so cool!” She announced. Dazai laughed and gave her the bag full of sweets. “I know. He’s quite the entertainer,” Dazai said. With that, she took the bag away from him, looking through it to find a candy she craved.
“Only take one!” Chuuya ordered as he walked up to Dazai. “I knew you were watching me the whole time,” Chuuya told him. Dazai gasped slightly, placing a hand over his chest, “Chuuya! I barely came in. I wouldn’t dare stare at you and watch you corrupt the poor child’s ears,” he teased. Chuuya rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him down for a kiss.
“You’re an idiot,” Chuuya said.
Dazai smiled, placing a hand on his cheek and caressing his skin. Dazai could see that he was getting older, seeing the little bit of grey hair poking out from his red hair, but even then, he was still the most vibrant one in the room. Dazai leaned down again, giving him a prolonged kiss, holding him tightly.
“Ew!” Kyouka exclaimed.
“Oh, please. You’ll find someone you love and do the same thing too. Watch,” Chuuya said as he finally let Dazai go. Chuuya bolted to the little girl, grabbing her as she ate her chocolate. She giggled a bit as Chuuya spun her around a bit.
Chuuya then walked her to the garden, where they began to relax and talk under the sun, enjoying the weather. Dazai could take his eyes off him, watching as he told her jokes, making them both laugh loudly. It was like music to his ears to hear Chuuya’s joyous laugh. He smiled as he took a seat, finally pulling his eyes away from him and looking over at the journal. He thought about it for a moment, thinking about rereading it. He grabbed it, skimming through it, seeing all the things he had written in lengthy detail that took over many pages of just one conversation they had had in the past. He smiled as he flipped through the pages. He looked up, Chuuya looking back at him, the sun shining down on him, smirking. Dazai tried to hide his smile, pursing his lips. Chuuya scoffed as he shook his head, looking away from him again. Even with his head turned away from him, Chuuya looked angelic, like the sunlight had a halo shining down on him. It made Dazai not want to look away from him, but he did so painfully.
Dazai looked down at the journal, brushing his fingers against the written pages. Dazai took a minute looking down at the words until he closed the journal again. He looked up at Chuuya, watching him turn to Kyouka, laughing and smiling, talking to her about all the stories he had about her parents.
—
Chuuya laid Kyouka down on the futon, tucking her into bed. Dazai stood at the doorway, watching as Chuuya brushed her hair away from her face. Chuuya got up from the floor, walked to the doorway, and looked up at Dazai. “What?” He asked. Dazai shrugged and shook his head, “Nothing.”
Chuuya sighed and whispered, “God, you could never keep your eyes off me.” Dazai smiled and pulled Chuuya closer to him, placing a hand on the crook of his neck and kissing him gently. Chuuya looked up at him.
“I’m glad we got a house with four rooms,” Chuuya said. Dazai chuckled, “Yeah, now we just have to wait and see how long Kyouka takes to start decorating this room for herself.”
“I mean, I think that’s the whole point. One room for her whenever she stays over, another room to use as a studio, one for when Verlaine visits, and our bedroom,” Chuuya said as they both walked out of the room, closing the door behind them.
They began to walk to the living area, sitting on the couch. Dazai looked around the house, seeing that they had mainly unpacked everything. “Well, I guess Tachihara’s getting lucky tonight,” Chuuya said as he looked at his phone.
“He texted you?” Dazai questioned. Chuuya nodded, “Yeah.” They sat there in silence, refusing to admit that they were both tired from the day they had. They didn’t want to acknowledge that they were getting old. They sat there, laying their head back, their eyes slowly closing, as they wordlessly held hands.
Chuuya bolted up, trying not to fall asleep, “You want a drink?” Dazai lazily opened his eyes, looking up at Chuuya as he lit his cigarette. Dazai smiled at him, grabbing his hand, pulling him onto his lap, and kissing him lightly. “No,” he answered.
Chuuya clicked his tongue and groaned, “If I stay here, I’ll knock out.” Dazai closed his eyes and shrugged, “So?” Dazai took the cigarette from Chuuya, taking a drag before placing it between his lips. Chuuya sighed as he laid his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes, trying not to fall asleep. They held one another in silence until Chuuya forced himself to open his eyes. “We really are getting old,” he stated, putting out his cigarette on the ashtray.
“Mmhmm,” Dazai agreed. Chuuya sighed and got up from Dazai’s lap. “I’m going to bed. Coming?” Chuuya asked. Dazai opened his eyes and thought for a moment; he didn’t want to go to sleep yet. He looked over at the journal lying on the table for a brief moment, then back to Chuuya. “Nah, I’m gonna stick around for a little bit. Work on some manuscripts,” Dazai said. Chuuya yawned as he nodded, “Okay.” Dazai watched as Chuuya shuffled his feet to their room, scratching his head. Dazai smiled to himself as he lit a cigarette. He let out a sigh to prepare himself to wake up a bit. He lifted himself from the couch, walked to the journal, and sat at the table. He took another drag of his cigarette before he opened it, reading the first entry.
It was like he was reliving it all over again, reliving the denial, the shame, the amazement, everything. He didn’t understand how something so beautiful could captivate him so much—he still didn’t understand it, though he no longer tried to deny it. It was beautiful; everything about it was beautiful. He moved on to the next entry, examining how their next meeting was like they had never changed at all. They acted as if they were children as if they were still the same twenty-two-year-olds that messed around and had fun even though they were getting older.
Dazai continued to read through the entries, reading all the excruciating details of his shame, but it was the truth; it was the truth that Dazai had tried so hard to run away from. This was the first time that Dazai actually saw it in reality; he was ashamed that he was ashamed of Chuuya. He hated that he was so blinded by his shame that he never got to understand who Chuuya really was deep down; he was just like him, a man with many regrets, filled with his own shame, filled with his own self-hatred for the things that he couldn’t do or was forced not to do, but that was the thing. Even though Dazai now knew all those things, he still saw Chuuya as something beautiful, even more so now than ever.
Dazai didn’t think that no matter what Chuuya did, he couldn’t love him less. In fact, he would fall more in love with him—if that were even possible. Dazai lit another cigarette as he continued to read about the time he and Chuuya got high on New Year’s. It made Dazai laugh at how stupid they both were, yet that was the night that Dazai took his first steps in actually understanding Chuuya, seeing things through his eyes; all the photos that Verlaine and Rimbaud took of protests, the books, the scars, the little details of their lives that they shared. It was the most honest thing they had shared with one another without being completely out of it. That was the day that Dazai finally admitted to himself that he loved Chuuya, only to fall more in love with him than he already was.
Dazai realized that he had always loved Chuuya from the first moment he laid eyes on him. Though he didn’t quite get it then, he understood everything now. This was their happy ending, this was their life now, and Dazai wouldn’t trade it for the world.
—
“Uncle Dazai! Wake up!” Kyouka yelled. Dazai winced as he lifted his head up tiredly, rubbing his eyes. “What time is it?” He asked in a groggy voice.
“It’s eight o’clock,” Chuuya answered. Dazai forced himself to open his eyes, looking up at Chuuya, watching him as he gave him an unimpressed look. Dazai smiled, laying his head back on the table. “You look really mad. Is it because I didn’t come to bed last night?” Dazai teased. Chuuya rolled his eyes, “Oh, please, I was happy to have the bed all to myself.”
“Mmm, I highly doubt that.”
“Eat shit,” Chuuya said as he walked away to make coffee. Dazai laughed, watching as Kyouka played in the garden, waiting for Tachihara to pick her up.
“Do you think that you can make me a cup?” Dazai asked.
“Ugh! You’re impossible… Fine,” Chuuya agreed.
“I love you,” Dazai sang.
“Fuck you,” Chuuya spat.
“Ah, I forgot that you haven’t had your morning coffee yet,” Dazai mocked.
“Exactly. Now, shut up,” Chuuya ordered. Dazai smiled as he got up from the table, wrapping his arms around him and kissing the crook of his neck.
“Or are you in a bad mood because you didn’t find me sleeping next to you?” Dazai whispered in his ear. Chuuya pushed him away, looking up at him, “Can you be useful and get away from me?”
Dazai smiled down at him, running his fingers through Chuuya’s hair, seeing the few grey strands in his hair. “I really do love you,” Dazai said in sincerity. Chuuya was almost taken aback by the calmness in his voice, but he just smiled back at him, “I love you too, dumbass… Get away from me before I make you serve your coffee.” Dazai nodded and backed away, walking over to the table, fixing all the loose papers, and putting them back into the journal.
“Reminiscing of old times?” Chuuya questioned.
“Something like that,” Dazai answered. Chuuya poured Dazai a cup of coffee, placing it on the table. “I might have to reread them. It’s been a while; maybe get a different perspective on things since it’s not shit anymore,” Chuuya added.
Dazai looked up at him as he grabbed a loose paper, reading through the excerpt. Dazai didn’t know what possessed him to grab Chuuya, pulling him close to hug him. “What the fuck are you doing?” Chuuya asked in shock. Dazai didn’t know what he was doing, but he just held him tighter. “You’re a real nuisance. Disrupting the life I had set for myself… Thank you for that,” Dazai said. Chuuya scoffed as he lifted Dazai’s head up to look at him.
“And you’re a real pain in my ass, making me face reality and shit… But I guess that was a good thing… Thanks, I guess.”
They looked at one another for a moment, smiling at one another. It felt surreal; never thought that they could have something like this, but here they were. Dazai grabbed Chuuya’s hand again, kissing his finger where the ring he gave him stayed. Dazai knew that Chuuya never took it off, and neither did he take the one that Chuuya had given him, though neither one ever mentioned it.
“Uncle Chuuya, come play with me!” Kyouka ordered. Chuuya smiled at her, “I’m coming!” Dazai let go of him, watching as he poured his coffee and walked away to be with Kyouka. The morning sun was hitting his face, making his hair more vibrant and colorful. It was a hot morning, reminding him of when he was a child, looking at those red flowers he loved so much. But instead of shame and guilt succumbing to him, he was met with happiness for the first time in his life. Everything had a new meaning, something that he never thought would happen.
‘A new meaning… Something new…’ he thought to himself. Dazai frowned as he got up from the table, walked over to the little desk in the corner of the room, and took his laptop back to the kitchen table, opening it to begin writing.
He looked back at Chuuya as he sipped his coffee, laughing as Kyouka ran around the garden. He thought about all those moments in his life, all those that connected around him, all those times that he had wished he could forget, but everything came around. His and Chuuya’s life was complete, watching as their lives finally turned for the better. Their love was never a mistake; their love was never something to be ashamed of. He was meant to love him; they were meant to love one another. Dazai was always meant to love the loudest person in the room, the most vibrant one. Chuuya was meant to face the challenge that was Dazai. He was always meant to face the hard truth; they both were.
Their love was meant to be told to the world, a story for the books, a story that others could look back and realize that there’s something bigger waiting for them in this world, filled with love, pain, passion, regret, joy, everything. Chuuya was the world to him, and he needed it to be known. He needed the whole world to see that he was on top of it, ruling it alongside Chuuya, fighting against what society told them was the correct way of living. This was it. This was their story.
Dazai placed his hands on the keys, retaking one look at Chuuya, watching as he looked back at him, giving him a warm smile. ‘I love you,’ he thought as he smiled back at him. Chuuya turned away from him as he watched Kyouka run around the garden joyously.
‘This is it, Oda. Rimbaud… You guys got your way. We got the guy, the happy life… I guess I have to make this one out to you both as a thank you… Thank you.’
Dazai looked back at the screen and began to write.
“The year was 1987— the start of the peak of the AIDS epidemic in Japan— I was a mere man with nothing going on in my life until I met him. He was oozing with passion, singing at the top of his lungs as he seductively moved his body, hypnotizing me and the rest of the audience… He was a man I thought I was scared to love, but he was just a man I couldn’t keep my hands off of nor stop staring at… A man that filled me with everything that I didn’t believe to be possible…
I suppose I have to start in the beginning…”