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There is a biting chill in the air as Zhou Zishu wakes in the Four Seasons Manor. He winces and shivers simultaneously, drawing his blanket over himself.
Outside, there is a near silence except for the soft rustling of branches by the wind. The light filters into the room, muted and grey, the only sign of winter that Zhou Zishu can make out from his bed.
It's days like these where he would rather sleep all day and not acknowledge the world.
With a soft groan, Zhou Zishu sits himself up. This morning, his hair is more messed up than usual and his inner robes are dishevelled.
He figures it is probably because of the nightmare he had during the few hours of sleep he managed to achieve.
Zhou Zishu sighs and winces again. Damn nails. He briefly rubs at his chest before pushing himself up off the bed.
Another step is complete. Good, that’s good.
Before he can even move to choose his robes for the day, the door opens and Zhou Zishu tries to hold back a sigh.
Wen Kexing steps in, smiling, before his face shifts into a complicated expression. “A-Xu, I thought you had gotten up already.”
Zhou Zishu forces a smile. “Even Shifu wants to sleep in from time to time. What, Lao Wen, are you going to scold me, the master of the house?”
A soft laugh. “Please, A-Xu. I don’t scold; I only cajole in the sweetest of ways for the prettiest of young masters.” Wen Kexing takes the bait and comes over to lead Zhou Zishu to sit down on the bed.
“Lao Wen, Lao Wen, aren’t you going to let me pick my robes today?”
“Naturally.” Wen Kexing goes over to get one of Zhou Zishu’s favourite sets of robes, primarily because it is so soft and loose.
Zhou Zishu can’t help the smile that pulls at his lips, making Wen Kexing grin, pleased and smug.
“You know me too well…” Zhou Zishu grumbles softly.
“I should hope so, A-Xu.” Wen Kexing hums as he helps Zhou Zishu start getting dressed. “What else is a zhiji for?”
Zhou Zishu snorts quietly, conceding to Wen Kexing’s assistance. They go quiet, each losing themselves in their thoughts as Wen Kexing finishes helping Zhou Zishu dress and begins brushing his hair.
The silence is a little too heavy, so Zhou Zishu speaks, “Is Chengling training?”
“He started, but I got him to help me make breakfast. He’s keeping it warm.”
Zhou Zishu hums in acknowledgement. Wen Kexing is as much Chengling’s elder as Zhou Zishu, given that they both met him at the same time and he has as much prerogative to tell him what to do as Zhou Zishu does.
Another breeze blows through the Four Seasons Manor and Zhou Zishu suppresses a shiver, eyes fluttering shut as the movement aggravates his wounds.
“A-Xu?” Wen Kexing peers over his shoulder at him and Zhou Zishu hurries to compose himself.
“It’s nothing, Lao Wen.”
“A-Xu-”
“I’m alright. Let’s go eat.” Zhou Zishu gets up and pulls his robes tighter around himself as he heads outside.
“A-Xu!” Wen Kexing calls after him and follows.
---
“Shifu! Good morning!” Zhang Chengling calls as he’s bringing the food over to the table. Zhou Zishu smiles.
“Good morning, Chengling.” He makes his way over. “Did you begin training this morning?”
“I started, but shishu told me to help him make breakfast,” Chengling explains hurriedly.
Zhou Zishu sighs and shakes his head. “You’re really going to let him tell you whatever? You should be focused on your training,” he scolds half-heartedly, a smile pulling at his lips as Wen Kexing comes up behind him. Wen Kexing’s hand brushes Zhou Zishu’s waist.
“A-Xuuu, a good disciple must be able to take care of himself when he’s alone. What if one day Chengling finds himself out in the wilderness of humanity by himself and he has to find food and cook all alone? He cannot rely on people to make food for him all the time.”
Zhou Zishu rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Dramatic.”
“Shishu, Shifu managed to survive all this time without cooking, so maybe it’s not such a necessary skill.”
“You-” Wen Kexing sputters. Zhou Zishu laughs with Zhang Chengling. “A-Xu, what are you teaching this disciple of yours? Now he doesn’t even want to learn to cook, am I supposed to be the only cook here forever?” There’s a pout in his voice.
“Alright, come eat.” Zhou Zishu snorts and moves over to the table, once again holding back a wince as he sits down.
“Shifu, are you alright?” Chengling comes over, worry in his eyes as he tries to check Zhou Zishu for injuries.
“Chengling, sit and eat. Don’t worry about me.” Zhou Zishu offers a smile. He pointedly starts serving Chengling some food, ignoring the look that Chengling and Wen Kexing exchange.
Wen Kexing sits down with them, and they begin to eat in silence.
---
It is mid-afternoon when Zhou Zishu arrives at the top of a tall, steep hill overlooking the road to Four Seasons Manor. The pain from the morning has mostly subsided.
Chengling is behind, struggling to clamber up the rocks, and Wen Kexing takes up the rear.
“Come on, Chengling. You need to become better at climbing. Who knows what challenges you will face in the future?”
“Yes, Shifu!” Chengling grunts and keeps struggling while Wen Kexing gives him a boost.
Zhou Zishu smiles softly and waits, turning back towards the view of the cherry blossoms-- bare for the time being-- along the road. Behind them is the famous cliff that Qin Huaizhang carved.
There are no travellers on the road, only a mountain range in the distance, over the tops of the trees lacking in foliage. They are as empty as Zhou Zishu feels sometimes.
However, the warmth in his chest is a part of him today, filling him from the inside out. It is pleasant in a way, built out of Wen Kexing instructing Chengling how to climb, but also of the nails in his abdomen. The wounds are a constant thrum of pain.
In the back of his mind, he wonders what Jiuxiao would have advised Chengling about climbing. He was always so good at that sort of thing. He was so good at having fun.
And Zhou Zishu killed him along with his beloved.
Zhou Zishu killed all of them.
The pain flares up again and Zhou Zishu braces himself against the tree next to him.
The breaths he takes are shallow and his grip on the tree wavers, vision going dark for a moment.
Zhou Zishu startles, however, when he feels himself being righted back on his feet by two pairs of hands.
"Shifu?" "A-Xu!"
Zhou Zishu groans softly. Perhaps it would have been more righteous if Jin-wang had had the damn guts to stab me just like that, he thinks a tad hysterically.
"A-Xu?!" Wen Kexing exclaims, voice shaking.
Zhou Zishu turns to look at his shidi's horrified expression and feels his blood run cold as he slowly realizes that he said at least part of those thoughts out loud. "What… what happened?"
"Shifu… do you need some water? I have some," Chengling offers, voice more subdued than usual.
Zhou Zishu nods as he's sat down on a boulder carefully. He barely catches a glimpse of Wen Kexing's darkened expression before Wen Kexing jumps into the air and glides away.
"Lao Wen!" Zhou Zishu calls after him, but he's ignored.
A waterskin is pressed into his hands, and he turns to look at Chengling, who has paled considerably.
"Chengling, it's alright." Zhou Zishu musters a smile.
"Shifu… what did you mean by that?" Chengling asks softly.
"By what?"
"Jin-wang… stab…"
Zhou Zishu sighs softly; then, he does not speak for a long time, drinking water instead.
Several silent minutes pass before Zhou Zishu sighs again.
"Shifu… has done terrible things, Chengling."
"What do you mean, shifu? I don't understand."
Zhou Zishu adjusts his robes then folds his hands. "There may be a time, Chengling, in which you will have to make a choice. And each possible option will seem like walking into a dark forest full of danger. You will not be able to see the right way forward."
"What do I do then, shifu?"
"Listen to your instincts, Chengling. Sometimes your spirit knows better than your rational mind."
Chengling swallows. "Did you do that, shifu?"
Zhou Zishu smiles and huffs a quiet laugh. "No, Chengling. I did not. And I have paid for it. But I hope… you never have to come to that place in your life."
"Shifu, I still don't understand."
"One day, Chengling. For now, let's train a while up here then climb back down and head into town for dinner." Zhou Zishu stands up.
"But shishu-"
"Give him time. He will find us."
---
Dusk has fallen and Zhou Zishu is slowly walking through the market with Chengling, who is half-heartedly looking at wares and belt pendants.
They haven't spoken much since the afternoon, both lost in thought.
"Gongzi! Have a look at this beautiful comb, perfect for the girl you like!"
Chengling offers a smile as the pair pass by, only half apologizing.
"Is there anything you would like to buy, Chengling?" Zhou Zishu asks softly.
"Not right now, shifu."
Up ahead, there is a familiar head of hair and set of bright purple robes.
"Shishu!" Chengling calls out and bolts off.
"Eh- Chengling!" Zhou Zishu reaches for his disciple.
Wen Kexing turns to find the source of the call before he is tackled in a hug.
Zhou Zishu picks up the pace to meet them.
Wen Kexing has a slight smile on his face, but the look in his eyes is still distant as he pets Chengling's hair.
"Lao Wen," Zhou Zishu greets. "Have you eaten?"
Wen Kexing doesn't meet his eyes. "I don't have much of an appetite right now."
"Lao Wen…"
"Enough, A-Xu. I'm fine."
"I'll buy you a meal and a drink."
"A-Xu."
"Shidi."
Wen Kexing freezes and his eyes go dark. "Zhou Zishu, what is wrong with you?"
Zhou Zishu doesn't flinch. "Shidi." Chengling lets go.
"You have the nerve to call me shidi while pushing me away?!"
"Shishu?"
"Let me buy you a meal."
"No!"
"Lao Wen, come on."
"How can you care so much for me when you don’t even let me help you?!" Wen Kexing screams, eyes wild.
The pedestrians around them go quiet and stare. The silence is suffocating.
"Lao Wen…" Zhou Zishu whispers, reaching for his hand.
"I'm going home." Wen Kexing mutters and runs off into the crowd.
Zhou Zishu cannot move for several moments.
---
Upon his and Chengling's return to the manor, Zhou Zishu notices that the lanterns and braziers have been lit. There are a couple of jars of alcohol on the table outside. He runs over and quickly checks how full the jars are…
They're completely empty.
"Lao Wen!" Zhou Zishu calls out. No response. "Chengling, you go right. I’ll go left."
"Yes, shifu."
Zhou Zishu heads towards the sleeping quarters and creeps in to find Wen Kexing reclined on a daybed with about four other jars of alcohol with him.
"Lao Wen."
Wen Kexing blinks and takes another long drink from his jar.
Zhou Zishu sighs and comes over to sit with Wen Kexing on the daybed, who flinches away.
Zhou Zishu's heart clenches. "Lao Wen, you're drunk. It's time to rest."
Wen Kexing huffs a soft, bitter laugh. "I know I'm drunk… I don't want to go to sleep."
"Come on…"
"A-Xu…"
"Lao Wen."
"I don't want you to die…"
"Hm?"
"I wish you wouldn't die, A-Xu," Wen Kexing insists.
Zhou Zishu sighs. "Come rest, Lao Wen."
"You're always so calm about this and I can't stand it. There was supposed to be a cure for you!"
Zhou Zishu closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "We can talk in the morning."
"In the morning I'll be sober and I won't be brave enough to say this anymore." Wen Kexing's eyes are full of tears and he clutches Zhou Zishu's hand.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because every time I try, I can't find the words, or I get angry, or you push me away…"
Oh.
"Come rest… I'll hold you, and you can say whatever you want."
"Really? You won't pull away?"
"Really."
Wen Kexing slackens a bit in relief before allowing Zhou Zishu to help him up towards the nearest proper bed. Zhou Zishu holds back a wince.
Carefully, they walk together before Zhou Zishu gently helps Wen Kexing lay down again.
Chengling steps into the room at that moment. "Shifu, I didn't-" His eyes widen. "Shishu!"
Zhou Zishu holds up a hand. "Thank you for helping me look, Chengling. Practice two of your forms five times each, then go to sleep."
"Yes, shifu. Good night, shifu." Chengling bows and steps out.
Zhou Zishu turns back to Wen Kexing, who stares up at him with a vulnerable expression, something Zhou Zishu remembers from their childhoods.
"Shidi…"
"A-Xu."
"What is it?"
Wen Kexing sighs, squeezing Zhou Zishu's hands tighter. "Please hold me."
Zhou Zishu moves carefully over to Wen Kexing's side and winces as he lays down, pulling Wen Kexing close. Wen Kexing pulls back, eyes wide.
"A-Xu, are you hurt?"
"Don't worry about me; it’s nothing out of the usual. Rest."
Wen Kexing sighs and rolls over.
"Lao Wen?" Zhou Zishu presses.
"You want to push me away so badly… Never let me help…"
"It's not your burden to carry, Lao Wen."
Wen Kexing seems to wince.
"Lao Wen?"
Wen Kexing doesn't move. Zhou Zishu gets up.
"Lao Wen."
"Am I actually your zhiji?"
Zhou Zishu's breath catches in his chest. "Yes. You are."
"I don't believe you."
Zhou Zishu sighs and tucks in Wen Kexing, carefully pulling the blanket over him.
"Sleep well, Lao Wen." He steps out.
Only Wen Kexing sleeps that night.
---
Breakfast the following morning is a quiet stilted affair. Zhou Zishu feels exhausted yet still tries to pretend that he is alright for Chengling's sake.
Wen Kexing, on the other hand, is distant and cold by comparison, eyes gazing off somewhere and unwilling to eat much though Zhou Zishu prods him to eat.
After the meal, Zhou Zishu trains outside with Chengling, aware of Wen Kexing's eyes on them from the other side of the courtyard.
Zhou Zishu can't help the shiver that runs up his spine.
"Remember to breathe," he reminds Chengling and himself.
Chengling gasps out, "yes, shifu!"
The afternoon creeps on until Chengling takes a rest, hurriedly drinking all the water Wen Kexing brings over.
"Shifu, what's next?" Chengling pants.
"Meditation, on the eastern roof of Four Seasons Manor," Wen Kexing answers, offering Chengling more water.
"Lao Wen," Zhou Zishu protests.
"A-Xu, a word." Wen Kexing turns towards the western sleeping quarters, not waiting for Zhou Zishu, who follows regardless.
Zhou Zishu closes the doors behind them. "Lao Wen, what has gotten into you?"
Wen Kexing spins around, eyes stormy. "You know exactly what it is, Zhou Zishu. Stop pretending."
Zhou Zishu frowns. "Is this about last night?"
"Last night? You think last night is the only thing bothering me? It's about forever! It's about life, from birth to death!"
"And that has to do with this, how?"
Wen Kexing closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before pinning Zhou Zishu to the wall.
"Lao Wen-" Zhou Zishu barely protests before Wen Kexing kisses him desperately, needily.
Zhou Zishu melts against him and can't help reciprocating, trying to hold on to Wen Kexing, yet cannot cling to the taller man.
When Wen Kexing finally pulls back, their lips are swollen and they're both gasping for breath.
"Lao Wen. What-"
"One person walks the broad path alone. Two people walk the single-log bridge and know each other."
"Which poem did you get that from?" Zhou Zishu asks breathlessly.
"There's no poem like that."
"Lao Wen. Did you make it up yourself?"
"I didn't make it up. It's simply the truth."
Zhou Zishu huffs a soft laugh which makes Wen Kexing smile warmly.
They both sober a little, Zhou Zishu pulling his gaze away from Wen Kexing.
"A-Xu. Let me help you, please."
Zhou Zishu sighs.
"I'm tired of being upset," Wen Kexing admits quietly. "I don't want to be upset with you anymore."
Zhou Zishu cups his cheeks gently and kisses his forehead. "Alright."
Wen Kexing melts against Zhou Zishu, pulling him close. Zhou Zishu cups his head gently, as he did in the cave at the Longyuan Cabinet.
"Rest, Lao Wen," Zhou Zishu murmurs into his hair.
They stay like that for some time before Zhou Zishu tucks Wen Kexing back into bed for a nap. This time, no one is there to scold him for his lack of care when he winces.
---
In the evening, Wen Kexing barely wakes up on time to cook dinner, hurrying Chengling along with his tasks. Zhou Zishu sits and meditates outside in the courtyard, only slightly distracted by Wen Kexing’s banter with Chengling.
He imagines that Wen Kexing is still upset with him, but Zhou Zishu is nothing if not determined.
Zhou Zishu cannot help but understand that Wen Kexing is already grieving him prematurely. They both know that the pain of losing one’s zhiji is insurmountable, which is why the Four Sages had such a miserable end.
However, Wen Kexing is also determined to a fault. For some reason, he has deemed it necessary to save Zhou Zishu’s wretched existence. Zhou Zishu sighs. He has told Wen Kexing his crimes, yet here he still is.
Sometimes it almost makes Zhou Zishu laugh to think about such a fate. Himself, exiled leader of Tian Chuang. Master of the Four Seasons Manor. Wen Kexing, son of Zhen Ruyu and Gu Miaomiao, now Leader of Ghost Valley. They are one another’s zhiji.
And yet, Zhou Zishu can’t help but feel that Wen Kexing deserves a better zhiji.
Even Gu Xiang asked Zhou Zishu not to die. How ridiculous.
On nights like these, Zhou Zishu wishes desperately that his shifu were still here.
Tian Chuang wouldn't have been necessary. Perhaps Lao Wen would have suffered less. The world would be far different.
Qin Huaizhang left a hole that Zhou Zishu has never been able to fill. Rather, instead of filling it, he made it bigger. He took Four Seasons' legacy and smashed it to pieces.
Tian Chuang is Zhou Zishu's mark on the world, much as he would like to forget this fact by drinking himself into oblivion.
Zhou Zishu opens his eyes as the pain flares up again. He tries not to flinch so as to not alert the pair in the kitchen.
Wen Kexing has all the reasons in the world to have become the Master of Ghost Valley.
Zhou Zishu has none.
---
When the trio retires to bed, after the laughter at dinner when Chengling accidentally snorted a rice grain out of his nose, Wen Kexing is still giggling when he wraps himself around Zhou Zishu.
He has been quite moody lately, and Zhou Zishu cannot help but kiss his forehead as they drift into a peaceful quiet.
It's broken by another giggle from Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu swats his shoulder with a helplessly fond smile.
"Lao Wen, let me sleep."
Wen Kexing snickers softly. "It's just that… his face! He looked so surprised…!"
Zhou Zishu snorts softly, then goes quiet as he starts to gently stroke Wen Kexing's hair who hums contently.
Eventually, Wen Kexing's breaths slow, and he is once again asleep.
Zhou Zishu closes his eyes for maybe a shichen before he flinches awake, startling Wen Kexing.
They both sit up and Zhou Zishu begins directing his qi while Wen Kexing scoots behind him, pressing more qi into him.
"Lao Wen!" Zhou Zishu gasps, "Stop that!"
"And what, let you keep suffering the whole night?"
"You shouldn't be wasting qi on me."
Zhou Zishu can feel the rage before he hears it, a muttered curse.
"Lao Wen."
Wen Kexing ignores him and Zhou Zishu sighs as they continue.
Once the episode passes, they both slump a little. Zhou Zishu draws his inner robe tighter around himself, unsure what to say. He gets up. "Going to meditate," he mutters.
"Stop." Wen Kexing sits up straight.
Zhou Zishu stops but does not turn.
"I need an explanation."
"An explanation of what?"
Wen Kexing takes a deep, slow breath. "Why do you call my help, 'a waste of qi'?"
Zhou Zishu sighs this time. "I…"
"Can't I help you as your zhiji?"
"Lao Wen."
"A-Xu. Do you feel as though… you don't deserve me?"
Zhou Zishu swallows and takes another step towards the door. "I don't want to be another burden to you."
"You're not a burden to me. If you were, I wouldn't have been following you around, trying to get you to notice me."
Zhou Zishu only notices that he's crying when the tears fall out as he laughs wetly. Wen Kexing gets up and comes around to cup his face softly.
"I want to be your zhiji and I want you to be my zhiji. I want us to follow each other through this world forever." Wen Kexing's voice is soft and tremulous, as though a breeze could break him apart.
"You know what I did, Wen Kexing."
"Yes, I know. And it's not any worse than what I have done."
Zhou Zishu's breath catches and he weakly hits Wen Kexing's chest. "You had to survive! You had reasons for all the things you did! For being guigu guzhu!"
"And you didn't have reasons for being the leader of Tian Chuang?"
"Anyone would have done the same in your place! I have told you before, all my reasons are mere excuses."
"You told me you were trying to keep the members of Four Seasons alive. Are those not reasons?"
"Wen Kexing! They all died!"
Zhou Zishu winces and coughs, deep and rattling. Wen Kexing moves closer to hold him up. His eyes widen slightly when he sees the blood on Zhou Zishu's lips.
He takes his sleeve to wipe Zhou Zishu's mouth oh so gently.
"A-Xu. Have you ever considered the fact that Jin-wang may have convinced you that creating Tian Chuang was the right thing to do?"
"What do you mean?"
Wen Kexing takes a breath. "You were young. You had little choice in what you could do to save Four Seasons. Jin-Wang… you said Jin-Wang needed support, and yet his mission has only been for himself. He took advantage of your youth and your need for protection. He saw your desire to do the right thing and manipulated you into making the choice that benefitted him the most."
Zhou Zishu huffs a soft, wet laugh. "You think too highly of me, Lao Wen…"
"Do I?" Wen Kexing wipes away Zhou Zishu's tears with his thumb. "You may not believe me now or ever, but I believe you were lead down a path that was never meant to be for you. And yes, you did wrong things. But so have I. The only difference between us is that you can never stop thinking about the things you did because of the nails in your body.
"But just because you carry said reminder doesn't mean that you deserve it. That you deserve your self-imposed fate. What would you have done had A-Xiang not spotted you on the street? Wasted your remaining years drinking?"
Zhou Zishu is quiet.
"A-Xu… don't you know that you saved me?" Wen Kexing's voice is soft like silk in Zhou Zishu's ear, where Wen Kexing leans his head against Zhou Zishu's.
Zhou Zishu breaks down, clinging onto Wen Kexing's robes as the latter carefully leads him back to bed, humming softly.
It's Zhou Zishu's turn to be held, and his wounds seem to throb around the nails. However, he cannot do anything about it because he can't stop crying. Perhaps he is simply sleep-deprived and exhausted.
At the end of it, when Zhou Zishu finally stops crying, he hasn't stopped hurting. Wen Kexing's words seem unbelievable, still. He still feels the insurmountable burden. Perhaps he will remain shackled in this way for the rest of his life.
But being held by Wen Kexing, knowing that Wen Kexing doesn't think less of him for what he has done, makes the world even just a little bit better.
Wen Kexing may be the leader of Ghost Valley, and he may have killed many. But now, in this moment, he is so overwhelmingly gentle and kind, stroking Zhou Zishu’s hair and humming softly as though Zhou Zishu were the most precious and sought after treasure in the world.
Something in Zhou Zishu’s chest loosens and finally, finally, he can relax.
Perhaps compassion is not so bad after all.