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New Year’s Eve, 2021
It’s New Year’s Eve, and Wonwoo is in love.
It’s not the good kind of love. It’s the kind that’s like weeds growing in Wonwoo’s chest, and if he could, he’d reach down his throat and yank them out. He thinks an empty chest would feel nice—much better than how heavy it’s been the last decade.
Wonwoo is at a party. It’s hosted by Seungcheol and Jeonghan, Wonwoo’s friends from undergrad, and it’s a mess. Wonwoo arrives late, because New Year’s makes him more upset than excited, and there are so many people packed into the small apartment that Wonwoo wonders what the consequences would be if he turned around and left.
He isn’t given a choice in whether he leaves or stays, though, because the moment he walks through the door, Chan spots him, and Wonwoo braces himself.
“Wonwoo!” Chan cries, loud and obnoxious like he gets, tripping his way through the crowd. “Wonwoo, over here!” he yells again, waving an arm like Wonwoo isn’t looking directly at him.
Wonwoo doesn’t have time to steady himself before Chan throws his arms around Wonwoo’s neck, pulling hard enough to make him choke. “You’re here!” Chan says into Wonwoo’s ear. “I thought you’d never show up!”
“Hi, Chan,” Wonwoo says, trying to untangle himself.
“Jihoon said you wouldn’t show, but I didn’t believe him for a second,” Chan says, smiley and proud of himself.
“You’re so smart, Chan.” Wonwoo is distracted, scanning the room for the face he always looks for first. “I’m going to go find the others. Don’t drink anything else.”
Chan makes a face like he’s been betrayed, and he looks more like a character than a person. “Why would you say that?”
“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Wonwoo says, patting Chan on the shoulder and slipping away before he can protest.
As Wonwoo moves further into the apartment, he is reminded of why he dislikes these types of things. It’s loud and overstimulating, and Wonwoo feels like he can’t focus on anything besides the volume of the music and the feeling of shoulders bumping into him. He wants to go somewhere without so many people, but the apartment is too small for that, and that fact makes his skin crawl.
Wonwoo’s still looking around when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns, and his heart skips, because there he is: Kim Mingyu, sweaty in a way that makes Wonwoo feel hot, eyes squinty from how bright he’s smiling.
“Wonwoo,” he says, breathless like he’s been running around, and the sound makes Wonwoo’s face heat up.
“Hi,” Wonwoo replies dumbly. The room is too crowded and Mingyu is too close and Wonwoo can’t stop looking at the way Mingyu’s shirt is clinging to his chest.
“You’re late,” Mingyu scolds, leaning in so Wonwoo can hear him. “I thought you were going to miss the countdown.”
“I’m an hour early,” Wonwoo says instead of the truth, which is that he could have been on time, but he kept thinking about how crowded it would be, and he ended up staring at his front door for two hours instead of walking through it. Or the other truth, which is that Wonwoo only came because he knew Mingyu wanted him here, and that if it were up to him, he would be at home in bed instead of out at a party. But it’s not up to him. It never is when Mingyu is involved.
Mingyu pouts. “You stress me out.”
Wonwoo wants to say that the way Mingyu is talking into his ear stresses him out, but he keeps his thoughts to himself.
After a few minutes, Mingyu grabs Wonwoo’s arm and pulls him into the crowd, and Wonwoo lets him, because Wonwoo would follow Mingyu anywhere. He pulls Wonwoo into the center of it all, and then they’re dancing with their friends to a song Wonwoo doesn’t recognize, and Wonwoo wonders how he can feel so heavy and light at the same time.
Loving Mingyu is painful, like weeds in his lungs or a knife he can’t pull out because it’s been in there for so long, and if he pulled it out now, he’d bleed out and die. It feels like it’s killing him, and there’s absolutely nothing he can do about it. It’s stupid and pathetic and pointless because Mingyu will never feel the same. Wonwoo spent the last decade figuring that out.
Still, he smiles as he watches Mingyu dance to the song, sweaty and uncoordinated and singing off pitch, and he thinks that even though it hurts, he’ll be okay.
It’s a minute to midnight, and everyone is running around to find the person they’re bringing in the New Year with. It’s hectic, everyone’s drunker than before, and the air is now thick enough to give Wonwoo a headache.
It’s a minute to midnight, and Wonwoo lets something terrible and malicious wash over him: hope. He hopes, and he hates himself for it, because it’s vain and useless and setting himself up for another poorly remembered New Year.
But he can’t help it. It’s thirty seconds to midnight, and Mingyu is standing so close that Wonwoo can smell his cologne, and Wonwoo can picture it all so vividly: the feeling of Mingyu’s hands on his face, the kiss Wonwoo’s been imagining since high school, the end to the one-sided pining that should have had Wonwoo coughing up flowers by now.
The countdown starts, and Wonwoo is desperately trying kill the hope, because it’s becoming too real. He’s imagining the angle he’d tilt his head, and how big Mingyu’s hands would be, and there’s this anticipation building up that Wonwoo hasn’t felt since the days he was naïve enough to think Mingyu might want him back.
It never happens, of course. The countdown ends, and Wonwoo watches Mingyu turn to Soonyoung and grip his jaw with such force that Wonwoo feels it in his gut. The kiss is rough and messy, filled with unsaid words and unresolved feelings, and Wonwoo knows he’ll never be able to cause that kind of reaction from Mingyu. And that fact feels like a dead knot tightening itself around Wonwoo’s neck.
Wonwoo looks away from Mingyu and Soonyoung, and because Wonwoo runs when things get bad, he decides to leave. The moment feels so replayed, so overdone, but Wonwoo doesn’t care. He feels like a child again, shrinking away from anything scary or unfamiliar, and it’s pathetic. But Wonwoo is predictable, so he lets his feet carry him to the door.
He pushes past Jun, who is looking at Minghao with an expression that has Wonwoo thinking maybe love isn’t worth it at all, and everything just feels so terrible and wrong.
No one notices Wonwoo as he leaves. He weaves through the crowd and slips out the door. It’s quiet once the door closes behind him, and that makes Wonwoo feel worse, because it’s always so vivid when he’s by himself.
As Wonwoo steps in the freezing cold, he wonders. He wonders what it would be like to not love Mingyu. He wonders if he would be a completely different person, someone fun and carefree who stays with his friends on New Year’s instead of leaving them.
He wonders what it would be like to rewrite their history and fix it, to change the lines and make it so Wonwoo wasn’t always wanting something he could never have. But there’s too much to go back and fix. Mingyu was Wonwoo’s last decade, and Wonwoo knows there’s no version of himself to go back to.
There’s just too much.
↠
October 2011
Wonwoo did not get a say in whether he knew Mingyu or not. Mingyu chose for the both of them.
It’s middle school. Wonwoo is skinny, skinnier than anyone in his class, and a growth spurt the summer before made him even more lanky and awkward. His uniform is baggy in some places and too short in others, and his glasses fog up every time the teacher calls on him.
He’s quiet, too. Wonwoo thinks that making friends and being social is confusing and stressful and takes up so much energy that he prefers not to do it at all. He sits in the back of classrooms, eats his lunches alone, and refuses to strike up conversation with anyone unless absolutely necessary. This is all good and fine for Wonwoo, until he becomes known for this behavior, and then suddenly his plan to be unseen is going horribly wrong.
Apparently, if you don’t show people who you are, they’ll create a version of you themselves. Wonwoo becomes known by both his classmates and the entire school as the cold, mysterious boy in the back of class. He’s intense and intimidating all because he’s quiet and keeps his face blank, and this adds an entire new layer of bad for Wonwoo, because apparently people also think being quiet and mysterious is attractive. And the glasses don’t help Wonwoo’s case at all.
Wonwoo thinks it’s because they think they can fix him. Or that they can get Wonwoo to treat them kindly but continue being horrible to everyone else, like a really shitty romance anime. Thinking too hard about it gives Wonwoo a headache.
The worst part of the entire situation, Wonwoo decides, is when girls approach him and try to confess. Despite knowing nothing about him, girls throughout the entire school corner Wonwoo in stairwells and ramble on about how his “iciness” captured their hearts, or something weird and dumb like that. During a few especially cringey confessions, Wonwoo had to fake a cough or cover his face with his hand to keep his face straight. It’s all so painfully awkward every time, and Wonwoo has absolutely no clue how to let them down easy, or to go about explaining the misunderstanding.
[“I like you, Wonwoo.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that.”]
And, because nothing ever goes right for Wonwoo, turning down every confession increases his problem exponentially. He’s seen as even more heartless, and girls find it a challenge to see who will be the one to make Wonwoo crack. Which means even more confessions, and even more rejections, and even more gossip. It’s all so endless and exhausting that Wonwoo often fantasizes about switching schools and trying everything over again.
On one particular Tuesday, Wonwoo is cornered in a stairwell not by a girl but a tall boy with honey skin and messy hair.
“Hi,” the boy says, an easy smile on his face. He’s taller than Wonwoo, and his dark hair is so messy that Wonwoo wonders if he had brushed it that morning, or ever.
Wonwoo stares at him.
After a few beats of uncomfortable silence, the boy continues. “I’m Kim Mingyu from the grade below.” He speaks confidently and with purpose, though Wonwoo for the life of him cannot think of what that purpose might be.
“Hello Kim Mingyu from the grade below,” Wonwoo says flatly.
Mingyu takes a step towards Wonwoo and leans closer, squinting with his hands behind his back. “You aren’t as scary as everyone says you are.”
“Sorry.”
Mingyu finds that answer very funny, and he laughs so loud it echoes throughout the stairwell and hurts Wonwoo’s ears. He slaps Wonwoo’s arm in the midst of laughing, saying, “That was funny!” and then Wonwoo’s arm hurts, too.
Wonwoo watches Mingyu shake from laughter for a few more moments before he calms down. Wonwoo starts to think Kim Mingyu from the grade below is not very smart.
“Anyways,” Mingyu continues, cheeks pink from laughing. “I wanted to see what the big deal was. I’m a really nosy person.” Wonwoo didn’t ask. “Plus, you made Nam-ra from my class cry yesterday, so I got curious. To be honest, though, you’re just a normal guy. I’m not getting any scary or mysterious vibes.” Mingyu pauses thoughtfully, quirking his head to the side. “You’re actually a bit awkward.”
Wonwoo isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do with that information. He isn’t sure what to do with Mingyu, who is starting to make Wonwoo feel weird. He goes with, “Okay.”
Despite how awful Wonwoo is to talk to, Mingyu doesn’t falter. “Point proven,” he says, beaming at Wonwoo like he had done something good.
Mingyu glances at a clunky watch on his wrist, eyes widening. “Well, this was great. I have 47 seconds to get to math, so I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” And then Mingyu charges down the rest of the stairs and through the hallway, his full backpack swinging around on his back, and Wonwoo really thinks he’s going to fall flat on his face.
True to his word, Mingyu does talk to him later. It’s during lunch period, and Wonwoo is sitting at the end of a long table with headphones in. A few minutes into eating, his music abruptly stops in his left ear, and Wonwoo flinches.
Wonwoo turns to find Kim Mingyu from the grade below sitting to his immediate left, Wonwoo’s earphone in hand. “Whoa, sorry!” Mingyu stutters, looking embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Hi.”
“Hello,” Wonwoo says, feeling like his personal space is being invaded. He not-so-subtly shifts away from Mingyu.
Mingyu, Wonwoo quickly learns, is a bit dull when it comes to social cues, and he leans in even closer to put Wonwoo’s earbud in his own ear.
“IU?” he says, smiling like Wonwoo made a joke. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for an IU fan.”
Wonwoo narrows his eyes and snatches his earbud back. “What’s wrong with listening to IU?”
Mingyu’s smile keeps growing and growing, and Wonwoo feels weird again. “Nothing!” Mingyu says, waving his arms about. “That’s a totally acceptable and awesome choice of music. I just wouldn’t have expected it from you, that’s all. But that’s really dope and cool.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Mingyu turns sheepish all the sudden, his hands nervously fiddling with his lunchbox. “Actually, I don’t know,” he says, low and quiet like a confession. “Sometimes I say things without thinking.” He says this like Wonwoo is meant to be surprised.
Truthfully, Wonwoo thinks that saying things without thinking is okay, because sometimes he thinks things without saying them. He does that a lot, actually.
“That’s alright,” Wonwoo says.
“You don’t have to lie,” Mingyu says, face reddening. “Everyone in my class says it. That it gets on their nerves, I mean. Which I understand. If I had to listen to myself talk all day, I’m sure it would suck. Well, I guess I do listen to myself talk all day. But, like, if I were someone else, I think it would bother me. I guess I’ll never know.” Mingyu pauses. “I forget where I was going with this.”
Wonwoo feels something twist in his gut; he thinks it might be pity, but he isn’t sure if that’s the best word to describe it. “That’s alright, too,” he says, feeling out of his element. He was never good at comforting people. “And I wasn’t lying. I don’t care how much you talk.”
Mingyu’s eyes light up at Wonwoo’s words, and he looks so relieved and happy that Wonwoo feels uncomfortable. “Really?”
“Yeah, sure,” Wonwoo replies, and Mingyu smiles so brightly that Wonwoo has to look away, staring at the table instead. He traces the cracks in the table while he waits for Mingyu to say something.
When Wonwoo realizes Mingyu isn’t going to respond, he sneaks a glance to see Mingyu still smiling as he unpacks his lunch.
“Why don’t you eat the school lunches?” Wonwoo doesn’t know why he says it. Mingyu’s hands still, and he turns to look at Wonwoo with a confused expression, lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed.
“My lunch?” he says, cocking his head to the side. “I guess—I guess I’m really picky, so I like to choose what I eat. This way, I get to choose everything.” He holds up a neatly packaged container, waving it back and forth. “See? My favorite, which means I’m going to have an awesome day.”
Wonwoo looks at his own meal and frowns. “I guess that makes sense.”
“It really does. It’s why I’m always in a good mood. I always pick my favorite things.”
Something about Mingyu’s words doesn’t sit right with Wonwoo. “Won’t you start to hate your favorite things if you always have them?” he asks. “Won’t you get sick of them after a while?”
Wonwoo watches Mingyu take a moment to process his words, lips in a pout as he thought hard. “Nope,” Mingyu says confidently, shaking his head back and forth. “They’re my favorite things. Of course I won’t get tired of them. That’s why they’re my favorite.”
“But they won’t be special anymore if you always have them. It’s like having cake on your birthday.”
“It doesn’t matter. They’ll still be special to me. Because they’re my favorite.” Mingyu says this like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“Well, I’m glad you feel that way,” Wonwoo says. “I don’t think I could ever be like that.”
Mingyu shoves Wonwoo lightly, and Wonwoo almost loses balance on his chair. Mingyu doesn’t notice. “Don’t be dramatic. Of course you can.”
Wonwoo mumbles an “I don’t think so,” and Mingyu has none of it. He proceeds to spend the rest of lunch giving Wonwoo a ramble-y speech about living life to its fullest, and having a positive mindset, and how Wonwoo should really stop frowning so much, because it’s probably affecting his brain, or something, Mingyu doesn’t know, he’s not a scientist.
Mingyu is so passionate about his not-so-hot take that Wonwoo doesn’t have to contribute at all. Wonwoo leisurely eats his lunch while the boy talks so fast that Wonwoo decides to play a game by counting how many breaths he takes per minute. (The results are impressive but not shocking.)
It’s entertaining Wonwoo, to be honest. It’s like he has a TV special on while he eats, and he finds himself smiling at some of the things Mingyu says. Not because they’re good or smart, but because of how Mingyu says them. Though, the more Mingyu talks, the more Wonwoo is sure Mingyu is reciting a really bad motivational video he once saw on his YouTube recommended.
By the time lunch ends, Mingyu hasn’t touched his food at all, so he begins shoving as much as he can in his mouth. “This was fantastic. Thank you,” he says, muffled.
“You’re going to choke.”
“No I’m not,” he says, Wonwoo just barely understanding through the mouthful of food. Mingyu gracelessly shoves the empty containers into his bag as he stands up. “I have to run. See you tomorrow!” Mingyu says loudly, and suddenly Mingyu is running away from Wonwoo again, clumsy and all-over-the-place, and Wonwoo gets déjà vu.
Always true to his word, Mingyu does see him tomorrow. And the next day, and the next. Wonwoo spends the entire year sitting with Mingyu during lunch, letting Mingyu talk the entire time while Wonwoo listens and eats. After a few weeks of their routine, Mingyu starts appearing in front of Wonwoo in the hallway between classes, too, usually saying something lame, like, “I can’t believe we ran into each other!” though Wonwoo knows Mingyu goes out of his way every time.
Wonwoo hates to admit it, but it all works really well, and Mingyu becomes a habit Wonwoo doesn’t want to break.
Wonwoo supposes this is what it’s like to have a friend.
↠
January 2019
Hansol Vernon Chwe is an interesting person.
He’s smart—the kind of smart that comes out naturally, like during conversation, but also the kind that makes him top of his class. He works hard, too, and other students in his program envy the casual way he devotes so much of himself to what he wants. It’s understated and impressive, much like the boy himself.
He’s gentle but not passive, unafraid to speak his mind but not one to dominate a space. He’s humble and respectful and hyperaware of the feelings of those around them, taking them in and adjusting himself accordingly. Some people might think he’s detached and unexpressive, but behind his reservation is a full heart. He’s the kind of person that loves deeply but inwardly, showing it through small acts and hidden gestures rather than something grand and in your face. He says he likes the privacy of keeping those things to himself.
Hansol Vernon Chwe is also Wonwoo’s boyfriend.
It happens during postgraduate, Wonwoo in his second year and Vernon in his first. Wonwoo is having a particularly stressful week because, although he’s a smart person, grad school is hard, and Wonwoo always studies until his head feels too full. Like tonight, when Wonwoo walks out of the library at 10:00pm on a Friday and wants to scream until his throat is raw.
It’s chilly out, too, and Wonwoo regrets his decision to wear a thin sweater. His apartment is also a 35-minute walk from the library, and his backpack is so heavy, and Wonwoo feels the already-loose grip on his sanity slipping away by the second.
On his walk home, he passes a local bar that grad students use to avoid the minors at the campus bar.
Wonwoo has never been much of a drinker. In his undergraduate days, he swore against it, but as a burnt-out grad student, he understands the benefits of alcohol in moderation. Moderation only, though, because Wonwoo likes having a say in the things that come out of his mouth.
He hears the chatter of the bar from outside, and it looks so warm in there, and he ran out of wine at his apartment the other day, and all these facts together make it seem like the universe is telling Wonwoo he really needs to go in there and buy himself a drink. So, him and his 30-pound backpack pull the heavy door open and find a seat at the bar.
It’s hot in there, uncomfortably so after a few minutes, but Wonwoo prefers being warm to cold, so he doesn’t mind. The loud chatter is a good distraction for everything going on in his life, too, so Wonwoo feels good. Or maybe it’s the alcohol. He really doesn’t drink often, so when he does, it goes right to his head.
Maybe that’s why when a boy with caramel hair and pretty face approaches him, Wonwoo smiles up at him instead of shutting down the conversation like he’d normally do.
And maybe that’s why, when Wonwoo’s three drinks in when his limit is usually two, and when the caramel boy keeps saying so many things that has Wonwoo laughing and leaning closer, and when the boy puts his hand on Wonwoo’s arm and his mouth to Wonwoo’s ear to say something over the noise, Wonwoo turns his head and kisses him.
And maybe that’s why, when the boy asks if Wonwoo wants to leave, Wonwoo takes his hand and leads them to his apartment.
They get there in a blur, and suddenly they’re on Wonwoo’s bed, and the boy’s hands are in Wonwoo’s hair and Wonwoo’s hand is around the boy’s neck and the sex is rough and aggressive and they’re being so loud and it feels so good that Wonwoo lets himself be overwhelmed by the feeling of the boy’s mouth and hands and body.
The boy does not spend the night. Wonwoo wakes up to find a note with scribbled writing that says:
202-5249 in case you wanted it
-Vernon
Wonwoo spends that entire day feeling strange. It’s a common occurrence for him the morning after—he always feels guilty, like he cheated on Mingyu, which makes no sense, because Mingyu would be ecstatic to hear Wonwoo is sleeping around.
[“Wonwoo, as your best friend, I think you need to have more sex.”
Wonwoo chokes.]
Wonwoo knows he’s being irrational, and that his guilt and shame are misplaced, but it’s a feeling he’s never been able to shake, and he doubts he ever will. He loves Mingyu, and that will never change, even though he knows Mingyu will never feel the same.
Wonwoo crumbles up the note and throws it into his desk trashcan.
Two weeks later, Wonwoo is sitting on Mingyu’s living room floor, textbooks and papers scattered around him. Midterms are approaching faster than Wonwoo anticipated, and his master’s thesis is nowhere near as complete as it should be, so Wonwoo spends his free time playing catch-up.
Mingyu is in the kitchen cooking dinner, which he often does when Wonwoo gets like this, because Wonwoo is the type of person to forget to eat when he’s busy.
“Dinner’s ready!” Mingyu shouts from the other room. “Come eat.”
“Can I eat it out here?” Wonwoo asks, not looking up from his computer, and not making any motion to stand up.
“No. Eat at the table like a normal person, or you’re not getting any.”
“Fine,” Wonwoo sighs. “Give me ten minutes.”
Wonwoo hears Mingyu huff from the kitchen. Thirty seconds later, Mingyu plops down on the floor next to Wonwoo, two bowls of ramen in his hands. He gently places a bowl next to Wonwoo, crosses his legs, and begins eating.
Wonwoo pauses his typing to look at the bowl next to him, then Mingyu. It’s a cute sight, really, watching the tall boy sit cross-legged, hunched over a steaming bowl of ramen. If things were different, Wonwoo would lean over and kiss him.
Wonwoo really does appreciate Mingyu making dinner, so he closes his laptop and picks up the bowl. Mingyu watches him with a sulky expression.
“You’re really annoying. You know that, right?” Mingyu says, his eyes narrowed at Wonwoo.
Wonwoo mumbles a yes while shoving noodles in his mouth.
After a few minutes, Mingyu breaks the silence.
“So, I’m dating Soonyoung.”
Wonwoo starts coughing on his noodles.
“Shit, dude, are you okay?” Mingyu says, aggressively patting Wonwoo’s back, which only makes him cough harder and spill some ramen onto his pants. His favorite pants.
Once he gathers himself, Wonwoo says, “Soonyoung? Like, Soonyoung ‘I am the tiger’ Soonyoung?”
“Uh, yeah!” Mingyu says, scratching his head. “I didn’t know you knew about that.”
“That’s—That’s really great, Mingyu,” Wonwoo says, trying to keep the bitterness from creeping into his voice. “I didn’t know you two were like that.”
Mingyu starts blushing, and Wonwoo wants to die, because Mingyu never blushes. Mingyu never dates, really. He sleeps around, sure, but he’s never once made anything official. Wonwoo had gotten used to that. He’s not used to this, or the look on Mingyu’s face.
“It happened out of nowhere,” he says, his smile growing. “We kept accidentally hooking up, and then we started hanging out, like, as friends. And yesterday, he was like, ‘Dude, we keep fucking, and we also keep hanging out. I feel like we’re dating.’ And then we both freaked out—in a good way! And then we decided to make it official, because we basically were dating, we were just too dumb to realize it.”
The more Mingyu talks, the more Wonwoo feels like he’s slipping away. He doesn’t want to hear about it. He doesn’t want to pretend to be happy for Mingyu, who looks like he’s found the love of his life by how soft his eyes look. He knew Mingyu was going to find someone eventually. He knew. But he didn’t know it would feel like his body was caving in on itself. It’s embarrassing, but deep in Wonwoo’s chest are secret hopes of what-ifs and maybes; hopes he sometimes clings to in the middle of the night or in the shower or on his daily commutes when he feels especially bad. And without those, Wonwoo feels empty.
“That’s amazing, Mingyu.”
He feels like he reached an end; an end he needs to mourn.
“Yeah, he’s really great. I really like him, Wonwoo,” Mingyu goes on, and Wonwoo’s throat begins to close. “He’s weird, but in a good way. He makes me really happy.”
“You do seem really happy. I’m happy for both of you,” Wonwoo says, feigning composure so well he scares himself.
“Thanks,” Mingyu beams, canines showing. Wonwoo looks away. “That means a lot coming from you.”
Wonwoo needs to leave.
“Of course, Mingyu. You’re my best friend. I want you to be happy.” He starts slowly gathering his books, focusing extra hard on keeping his hands steady and his voice light. “I’m going to head out, though.”
The smile on Mingyu’s face dims. “So soon? You barely ate.”
Wonwoo stuffs textbooks into his bag. “I have to get up early tomorrow. And thanks again for dinner. It was great. My stomach has been hurting these days, that’s all.”
Mingyu’s eyebrows furrow. “Your stomach? Are you sick? I probably have something you could take. I can look if you want.”
“No no no,” Wonwoo backtracks, standing up, to which Mingyu immediately mirrors. “I’m okay. Really. It’s probably stress. Sleep should fix it.” He puts his best smile on, afraid of Mingyu piecing together something he shouldn’t.
Mingyu only looks more confused. “You sure you don’t want to sleep over? I have that weighted stress blanket in my closet. It freaks me out, but you could try it. It’s supposed to help with that kind of stuff.”
Wonwoo walks towards the door. “No, I should go. We always stay up too late when I sleep over, anyways.”
Mingyu looks hurt, which makes Wonwoo’s stomach actually start to feel bad. “I promise we’ll go to bed early,” he says, following Wonwoo. “So early that you’ll be begging me to talk to you, but I’ll be so busy going to sleep that you’ll get really bored and regret this entire conversation.”
“I really can’t, Mingyu.”
“I’ll make you breakfast.”
Wonwoo opens the door. “Goodnight,” he says, leaving Mingyu standing in the doorway alone. He doesn’t look back as he walks across the lawn and down the street.
Wonwoo feels numb as he enters his cold, dark apartment. And empty. Really, really empty.
He supposes this is a sign to begin creating a version of himself that is not in love with Mingyu, a version that is not needlessly and helplessly pining after someone that would never need him.
Wonwoo walks into his bedroom and throws his bag down by his desk. The zipper clangs against the tiny metal trashcan, and Wonwoo stares at it.
And then Wonwoo is on his knees, fishing through the trashcan to find a tiny slip of paper.
One thing leads to another, and Vernon is knocking on Wonwoo’s front door. And then Vernon is in Wonwoo’s bed, and Wonwoo is fucking Vernon hard and rough, hand on throat, chasing away all the bad and numb feelings with better ones. Vernon loves it, egging him on every brutal movement, and Wonwoo thinks that maybe he should have been doing this all along, because Wonwoo feels so full and distracted and in control. And Wonwoo likes control.
Wonwoo and Vernon continue hooking up for the next three months, and when Vernon asks Wonwoo to go steady, Wonwoo says yes.
Wonwoo thinks, if he tried hard enough, he could really love Vernon.
↠
February 2013
Wonwoo is seventeen, and his best friend is very embarrassing.
It’s a school night. It’s late, and Wonwoo is finishing a homework assignment at his desk when he hears a bang echo through his room. It’s loud enough that Wonwoo’s heart stops, and he has to take a few deep breaths to get it to start again.
Another bang comes, and this time Wonwoo sees the source of the sound: a very large rock colliding with Wonwoo’s bedroom window that is most definitely glass.
Wonwoo rushes over to see Kim Mingyu standing in his lawn, squinting up at Wonwoo’s bedroom. There’s an even bigger rock in Mingyu’s hand, and Wonwoo doesn’t think his poor window can take another blow, so he clumsily fiddles with it until it opens.
“Stop that,” Wonwoo whisper-yells once the window is open. It’s cold out, and Wonwoo already wants to close it.
“There you are!” Mingyu yells back at full volume. “I’ve been waiting!”
“Please be quiet,” Wonwoo begs. He notices a light across the street turn on, most likely to investigate all the noise, and Wonwoo thinks he will literally die if he has to explain to his own mother why Kim Mingyu from the grade below is throwing large rocks at his window at 11:00pm on a Monday.
“I’ll be quiet once you come down!” Mingyu shouts, cupping his hands around his mouth for added volume. Wonwoo wants to strangle him dead.
“Why are you even here? And why are you throwing big rocks at my glass window?”
Mingyu looks offended. “Hey, I’m not some kind of idiot! I couldn’t find any tiny rocks! It’s not my fault your street doesn’t have any! Blame yourself!”
“Just because you couldn’t find smaller rocks doesn’t mean you should use big ones! That makes no sense!”
“We all make mistakes, Wonwoo! Stop holding this over my head!”
“What if you had smashed my window? What if the rock flew into my room and killed me?”
“Then I would be very sorry!” Mingyu shouts, waving his arms in the air like it was obvious. “Just come down!”
Wonwoo closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and mutters, “Fine.” He’s surprised his parents haven’t already woken up from all the yelling, so he thinks he should give in now before his luck runs out. Or someone calls the police.
Mingyu starts beaming, jumping up and down from excitement. “Thank God! You were really starting to make me worry.” He holds his arms out. “Okay, now jump.”
“You’re an idiot,” Wonwoo says before shutting his window.
A few minutes of tiptoeing through his house later, Wonwoo is standing in plaid pajama pants and an oversized hoodie in his front lawn.
He looks at Mingyu. “What.”
Despite his nose and ears being red from the cold, Mingyu glows with excitement. “I’m so glad you came down,” he says, bouncing from foot to foot. “I was about to start screaming.”
“You have thirty seconds before I go back inside.”
Mingyu’s eyes widen, and he stops moving. “You know I can’t think under pressure.”
“29, 28, 27…” Wonwoo counts.
Mingyu reaches out and places his hands on Wonwoo’s shoulders, shaking violently. “Stop counting! I can’t think when you’re counting!”
“Stop shaking me. I feel like my neck is about to snap,” Wonwoo complains. Mingyu had always been a little too aggressive without realizing. Wonwoo finds it endearing when he isn’t on the receiving end.
“Sorry,” Mingyu says, stepping back.
“It’s okay.” Wonwoo pulls his sleeves over his hands. “If you could please tell me what this is all about, that would be great. At your earliest convenience, of course.”
“Okay,” Mingyu says, a smile creeping back onto his face. “I was laying in bed earlier, and I had an awesome idea.”
Wonwoo doesn’t understand why, but he’s always been a bit weak for Mingyu. It started with little things, like laughing at jokes that should have made him cringe, or giving up his favorite flavor because he knew Mingyu liked it, or letting Mingyu keep talking even when Wonwoo had something to say, because sometimes Mingyu got so excited telling a story and Wonwoo didn’t have the heart to interrupt. As time went on, the little things started to add up, and then Wonwoo was doing completely outlandish things just because Mingyu asked him to. Which is a tough position to be in, because Kim Mingyu from the grade below has some terrible ideas.
Like tonight, when Mingyu has the grand idea of sneaking out to be spontaneous, though the only place worthwhile in their small town is the docks, and Wonwoo finds himself barely putting up a fight when he sees the look on Mingyu’s face as he pitches it.
Which explains how Wonwoo ends up on a damp patch of grass sometime around midnight, the cold seeping into his pajama pants, watching cargo ships cross the bay as little dots of light on the water. It’s cold and dark, darker than Wonwoo’s used to, but he thinks the reflection of the moon on the water is pretty.
Wonwoo turns to look at Mingyu, who has been quiet since they sat down. He has a small smile as he looks out towards the water, and the moonlight is touching his face in a way that makes him look softer than usual.
Wonwoo starts to get that weird feeling again; the one he sometimes gets when Mingyu is around. It’s hard to explain, because it’s a new feeling, one he hadn’t known until he met Mingyu. It sort of feels like his chest hurts, or like how his stomach drops before giving a presentation in class.
Mingyu turns to look at Wonwoo, and Wonwoo feels something twist in his gut. Wonwoo thinks Mingyu looks so pretty under the moon, and he feels the sudden urge to reach out and touch Mingyu’s face. He wonders how Mingyu would react if he did. He’s then aware of how close Mingyu is and how alone they are, and Wonwoo starts to get hot and nervous like he sometimes does when Mingyu gets in his personal space. Still, he can’t look away, and he really can’t shake wanting to see what his hand would look like on Mingyu’s cheek. He starts to imagine what that would feel like, and then he imagines what he would do after, and then Wonwoo is imagining what it would feel like to kiss Mingyu.
At that realization, Wonwoo quickly turns away, afraid of his face betraying his thoughts. He stares at the black water, eyes wide and heart pounding, and wonders if Mingyu would hate him if he found out.
↠
February 2020
Wonwoo doesn’t plan for it to happen. It’s one missed call he forgets to return, and then a few texts left unread, and then he’s completely ghosting Mingyu. It is so out of the blue that Wonwoo himself is confused as to why he does it.
He thinks maybe his heart finally went rotten.
Three weeks pass in a flip book of closed curtains and homework assignments and shitty takeout. Wonwoo spends his time at class and alone, spare the few pity visits from Jun.
“You look like garbage, dude,” Jun says one day as he enters Wonwoo’s apartment, two plastic takeout bags in hand.
“I look fine.”
Jun lets out a small laugh, shaking his head. “No, you look really horrible. Your skin is all weird and pale. It’s freaking me out.”
Wonwoo clears the coffee table. “You’re bad company. You know that, right?” Despite his tone, he’s smiling.
Wonwoo is three bites into his fried rice when Jun says, without looking up, “Is this about Mingyu?”
Wonwoo stills. He never told Jun, and Jun never asked, but there’s always been an unspoken understanding between them. Perhaps it’s because Wonwoo looks at Mingyu the way Jun looks at Minghao.
“What makes you say that?” Wonwoo asks, keeping his voice leveled.
Jun pauses, shifting around in his seat. “I just…heard some things, that’s all.” There’s a sad look on Jun’s face, and it makes Wonwoo’s stomach turn.
He put his chopsticks down. “You can’t just say that.”
“Well,” Jun starts. “I talked to Mingyu, actually. He was at Minghao’s for, uh, Chan’s birthday thing. You were invited, you know. Several times. Anyways, you came up in conversation. Apparently you’re ignoring him?”
At this point, Wonwoo’s well aware of what he’s doing, though it still makes his skin crawl hearing it so bluntly. He hadn’t let himself think about how Mingyu feels about his sudden absence. He hadn’t let himself think about Mingyu at all. All he knows is that being in love with Mingyu feels like holding his head underwater, and these past few weeks, he’s been able to breathe.
“I’m not ignoring him. I’ve been busy with school,” Wonwoo lies.
Jun doesn’t reply. He simply stares at Wonwoo with a look that makes Wonwoo want to kick him out of his apartment.
“Okay, fine, I’m ignoring him,” Wonwoo gives in, leaning back against his seat. “It’s been a lot recently.”
“I know what you mean,” Jun says, leaning back as well, a look of understanding and sympathy and something else. “But I think you should talk to him.”
Wonwoo can feel the beginning of the bad feelings starting to crawl up his chest. “Can we talk about something else?”
And because Jun understands, he lets Wonwoo pretend, even if they both know it will do him no good in the long run.
The texts Wonwoo doesn’t read go like this:
1/30/20 2:21pm mingyu: hey!!!!!!
1/30/20 2:21pm mingyu: i’m bord in class what’s up
1/30/20 3:33pm mingyu: hi hi hi
1/30/20 3:54pm mingyu: do you want to hangout tonight
1/30/20 9:01pm mingyu: are you alive
1/31/20 7:59pm mingyu: hey wonwoo. please answer. i’m starting to think you died and you’re decomposing in your apartment alone. it’s not the best for my sanity.
1/31/20 8:02pm mingyu: soonyoung says i’m being dramatic. personally i think i’m perfect
2/01/20 4:31pm mingyu: hi i tried calling you a few times but it just kept ringing could you call me back whenever you get this? no rush!!!!
2/01/20 5:22pm mingyu: also happy february
2/02/20 4:59pm mingyu: i know you’re always busy with school so no worries on getting back i just want to make sure you’re alive lol
2/02/20 7:11pm mingyu: i just left you a really long voicemail bc i kept rambling so you should definitely just delete that for both of our sakes
2/03/20 11:16am mingyu: hi did i do something wrong
2/03/20 11:16am mingyu: it’s been a few days and i’m getting worried
2/05/20 8:23pm mingyu: i stopped by your apartment earlier so if you heard some weird knocking that was me lol. not a murderer. do not fret.
2/06/20 11:38pm mingyu: hey! just checking in. hope you’re doing okay
2/07/20 4:04pm mingyu: !! i just talked to jun and he said you’re alive and well. which was great to hear :)
2/09/20 5:27pm mingyu: i accidentally made way too many noodles for dinner if you want to come get some
2/09/20 5:31pm mingyu: it’s the peanut noodle recipe i know you like !
2/11/20 9:27pm mingyu: i’m really sorry if i did something. please talk to me and let me apologize
2/12/20 1:48am mingyu: wonwoo i really miss you
2/12/20 1:50am mingyu: and i’m really reallyreally sorry
2/12/20 3:58am mingyu: do you hate me
2/12/20 10:02am mingyu: hey sorry for the spam haha i won’t do it again
2/14/20 11:43am mingyu: happy valentines day! i know you hate the holiday so i hope you’re coping. if you want to come over and watch movies like we usually do let me know !
2/14/20 11:58am mingyu: i bought popcorn !!
2/14/20 12:10am mingyu: and some other snacks
2/15/20 2:16pm mingyu: would you want to get coffee sometime soon
2/16/20 12:56am mingyu: hey wonwoo. you are my best friend. and as my best friend i am requesting an explanation because i’m really fucking lost
2/16/20 8:21am mingyu: sorry for the language
2/19/20 11:49pm mingyu: miss you
It is raining. The kind where it’s heavy and loud and ruins everyone’s plans for the evening. Wonwoo likes that kind of rain. It puts the world on pause, and that makes Wonwoo feel safe.
Wonwoo is on the couch in his baggiest sweats, mindless television on in the background. He gets invested in a tacky gameshow he’s sure no one else in the entire world has ever heard of. He’s on his fifth consecutive episode, and he plans to continue watching until (a) the marathon ends or (b) he passes out.
A sudden knocking on his front door has Wonwoo jolting up, hand on heart. He’s not known to have unexpected company, and despite being in his mid-twenties, he’s still deathly afraid of home intrusion.
The knocks persist in quick succession, and Wonwoo slowly rises from the couch to approach the door, his heartbeat rising.
He glances out of his peephole and sees Mingyu standing in the rain. Though drenched and without a raincoat, Mingyu continues knocking, determination and something akin to pain on his face.
Wonwoo forgets himself as he flings the door open.
“What are you doing out there?” Wonwoo stammers out, grabbing Mingyu’s arm to pull him inside.
Before the door even clicks shut, Mingyu throws himself at Wonwoo, pulling him in for the tightest hug Wonwoo ever remembers getting.
“Don’t do that again,” Mingyu says into Wonwoo’s hair. “Promise me you’ll never do that again. God.” Mingyu tightens his arms even more, and his head dips slightly into the crook of Wonwoo’s neck as he breathes in. “Promise me right now. Fuck, Wonwoo. You’re my best friend. You can’t just do that.”
Mingyu’s voice is so strained that Wonwoo’s heart physically hurts.
“Say something,” Mingyu says. Droplets of water trickle from Mingyu’s nose to Wonwoo’s neck, and Wonwoo can feel the wetness of Mingyu’s clothes seeping into his own. Mingyu is shaking.
“I—I didn’t mean to,” Wonwoo says, and his voice is so unsteady that he’s afraid it says more than he means to. “I’m sorry, I—” he starts, and then he’s crying.
“I’m so sorry, Mingyu.” Wonwoo has difficult time breathing. He can feel the weight of everything creeping back up on him; the weight he spent the past few weeks neatly packing into a box to store somewhere far away from his chest. But now—now it crashes onto him so hard and heavy that Wonwoo feels his lungs start to flood.
He doesn’t know how to tell Mingyu that he hates himself, that he only detached because he was literally fucking dying knowing Mingyu but not having him. And now his grief is mixing with guilt and shame and Wonwoo thinks he must be feeling every bad feeling there is to feel.
Wonwoo’s crying worsens, and Mingyu tightens his hold. “That really wasn’t okay,” Mingyu says softly.
Wonwoo clings to Mingyu like his life depends on it, his entire body shaking from how hard he’s crying. He wants to make himself stop, but he can’t.
“I really didn’t mean to,” he chokes out. “Oh my God. I am so sorry. Fuck, Mingyu. I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m a fucking idiot. And I am so, so, so sorry—”
“Wonwoo, breathe. It’s okay. It’s really okay,” Mingyu says, and Wonwoo wants to die, because Mingyu is kind to a fault, and Wonwoo is a selfish person that hurts the people he loves. Wonwoo doesn’t deserve comfort, and if his will were stronger, he’d shove Mingyu away and hold the grudge for the both of them. But Wonwoo is as weak as he is selfish, so he lets Mingyu hold him while he falls apart.
“I’m not even mad anymore,” Mingyu tries again, his voice light and forced.
Mingyu pulls back to look at Wonwoo. He smiles, warm and bright and with teeth, and it looks all wrong because Mingyu is also crying.
“I promise,” Wonwoo says.
Mingyu’s smile falters slightly before he pulls Wonwoo back into a hug.
“It’s okay.”
↠
May 2021
It’s spring, and Mingyu moved into his new apartment yesterday. Boxes are everywhere, the place is a mess, and Wonwoo is supposed to be helping Mingyu unpack.
Instead, one of Mingyu and Wonwoo’s favorite songs comes on—one from their high school days, when Wonwoo would drive his mom’s car to Mingyu’s to pick him up, and they’d cruise around the neighborhood and sing so loud their voices cracked.
It takes until the first chorus for them to forget about everything important and start dancing around the boxes, serenading each other like they’re in a music video, everything funny and perfect and exactly how it should be. Wonwoo sings and dances and laughs so much his stomach hurts, and the sound of Mingyu singing and laughing and breathing heavy is so pretty that Wonwoo’s heart hurts, too, though he doesn’t mind the pain. Not one bit.
The song ends, and Mingyu and Wonwoo collapse onto the hardwood floor, sweaty and out of breath, and Wonwoo couldn’t stop smiling if he tried.
The windows are open because of the weather, and the sun is just now setting, and everything feels so warm and golden that Wonwoo’s heart hurts for a completely different reason. When he turns to look at Mingyu, Mingyu is already looking at him with half-lidded eyes and a smile that has Wonwoo’s stomach doing flips.
As they both lay there, catching their breaths and still spinning from all the motion, Wonwoo wonders how Mingyu can feel so much like home.
↠
September 2015
Wonwoo is not often taken by surprise. He’s an anxious person, and anxious people tend to prepare themselves for every possible scenario to maintain control. Wonwoo likes control.
He’s a college student, his second year, and every weekend Mingyu drags Wonwoo to party after party with too many people and too loud music. Wonwoo hates parties a lot. He finds he has trouble breathing with all the smoke and noise and people. They have a routine going, though, where Wonwoo pretends to refuse to go, and Mingyu turns hysterical in his begging, and Wonwoo caves because he’s so in love with Mingyu that it sometimes feels like he’s going to shrivel up and die.
The night is standard for them, until it isn’t. Mingyu is his usual self, loud and warm and charming, and Wonwoo is Wonwoo: a shadow beside Mingyu, trying his very best to feign a sense of belongingness while also cleaning his glasses every five minutes because the room is sweaty and the lenses keep fogging up.
Mingyu is drunk. He likes drinking, especially in social settings. He tells Wonwoo it feels nice, like he can be his truest self, which is probably why Mingyu is always surrounded by people at these things, because his truest self is beautiful and kind.
Wonwoo hates drinking. He finds alcohol makes his head spin and his brain mushy and he doesn’t like not being able to think coherent thoughts. So his role for the night is to stand beside Mingyu, listen but not participate, and escort his drunk friend back to the dorms when the night is over. Honestly, Wonwoo isn’t sure why Mingyu always begs him to come. His presence adds absolutely nothing, and he barely speaks the entire night unless Mingyu turns and directly talks to him, which is a rare occurrence.
The first distinguishing factor of this particular night happens around midnight. Mingyu is chatting away with Minghao, a beautifully terrifying dance major Wonwoo met once or twice during the daytime, when a pretty girl with long hair taps Mingyu on the arm.
The music is too loud for Wonwoo to hear. It’s a shared issue, and Mingyu kindly bends down to let the girl speak directly into his ear. She smiles as she does, and Wonwoo wants to look away but can’t bring himself to.
Something twists in his stomach as he watches Mingyu laugh at what she says. It twists even further as he watches Mingyu turn his full attention to the girl. It all happens so fast, Wonwoo thinks. One second Mingyu and the girl are talking, the next she has a hand on his arm, then Mingyu is leaning in, and then they are kissing.
Wonwoo freezes. Sure, he knows Mingyu is an extremely attractive person. God, if anyone knows, it’s Wonwoo. Naturally this means that Mingyu is in this situation often. Wonwoo isn’t delusional enough to not acknowledge that fact. But Wonwoo has never had the misfortune of witnessing it firsthand. Not just firsthand—Wonwoo is only a few feet away, staring so shamelessly that outsiders must think he’s a creep. He feels such a sincere rush of panic that he’s sure it’s his fight or flight response, which makes him feel pathetic, because seeing your best friend kiss a girl should not activate your fight or flight response.
In classic Wonwoo fashion, his body chooses flight. He knows watching any longer will rip away a part of him that he isn’t sure he’ll be able to put back tomorrow.
He discretely pushes his way through the crowd, far away from Mingyu, towards the front door.
Once he’s outside, Wonwoo takes a deep breath. It’s cold, and the air bites into his lungs in a way that’s painful, and he uses the sensation to distract himself from the panic still threatening to engulf him entirely.
He moves away from the house and towards the street, trying to create more distance. He sits on the curb and steadies his breathing. He doesn’t want to look into himself and pinpoint the emotions he’s feeling. He thinks it’s better to push them deep down and away from anyone ever finding, himself included. He knows he loves Mingyu. That’s enough. He doesn’t need to remind himself of all the bad things that come from it.
Wonwoo isn’t sure how long he sits out there. If he wrote this story, he’d have written it to be a long time, long enough for him to sit in solitude and drown in it. Unfortunately, Wonwoo did not write this story, and he is interrupted much too soon for his liking.
Mingyu stumbles out the front door of the party. Though full of love and warmth and everything fond, Mingyu is not gentle. He’s long and broad and clumsy and usually trips over his own feet. This is the opposite of Wonwoo, who makes every movement with care. No, Mingyu is uncoordinated and graceless and this is a million times worse when he drinks.
Which is why Wonwoo hears Mingyu almost fall down the front porch stairs before he sees him. Before Wonwoo processes it, he’s standing up and crossing the lawn and grabbing Mingyu’s forearms to steady him.
“I got you,” Wonwoo says, using a great deal of his strength to hold Mingyu upright.
Mingyu is a lot drunker than Wonwoo left him. His eyes are dazed like he isn’t really seeing, and his cheeks are the shade of pink they only get when Mingyu passes his limit. His lips re puffy and red too, and Wonwoo tries to keep his expression normal as he pushes back the bad feelings that start to creep up again. He suddenly feels selfish, too, because Mingyu is very drunk, and Wonwoo should have been there to cut him off. But no, Wonwoo is weak and stupid and let his feelings take over at the expense of his best friend.
Mingyu smiles down at Wonwoo, all teeth and canines, eyelids fluttering. “I know.”
He’s too close to Wonwoo. Wonwoo can smell the alcohol on his breath and the cologne he always wears when he goes out. It makes Wonwoo dizzy.
Wonwoo ignores Mingyu and tries to begin the walk home, tugging on the taller boy that seems content not moving at all.
“Where did you go?” Mingyu asks, words slightly slurring together. “I couldn’t find you.”
“I needed some air. It was hot in there.” Wonwoo reaches for Mingyu’s arm again, pulling in the direction of the campus dorms. “It’s cold. Let’s head back.”
“I looked for you.”
“Well, you found me.” Wonwoo starts to feel helpless, because it really is cold, and his hands are starting to feel numb.
“You left. I didn’t know where you went,” Mingyu says again, voice laced with such raw hurt that Wonwoo’s heart briefly stops until he remembers Mingyu is drunk, and Mingyu gets emotional when he’s drunk.
“I’m really sorry, Mingyu. You know how I get,” Wonwoo offers, forcing his voice to be as soft and kind as he could make it. He really wants to end the conversation and get them out of the cold.
Mingyu looks at Wonwoo. “You look sad.”
“I’m really not. I promise. I’m actually very content.”
“Are you lying to me?”
“No,” Wonwoo says, heavy with the lie.
↠
December 2019
“I think we should break up.”
Vernon says this casually as he unloads Wonwoo’s dishwasher. Wonwoo is sure he heard him wrong.
“What?”
Vernon turns to face Wonwoo, who sits at the kitchen table with his laptop open. “I think we should stop seeing each other.”
Wonwoo loses his ability to think critically. “You…you want to stop seeing each other?”
“Um, yeah,” Vernon says, turning to face Wonwoo. “I don’t think this is working anymore.”
Wonwoo closes his laptop. “Why? What’s wrong?”
Vernon looks pained for a moment before he composes himself. “It’s not—” Vernon tries. “You don’t love me, Wonwoo.” His voice cracks. Wonwoo stands up.
“Hey, don’t say that,” he says, reaching for Vernon, and Vernon lets him. “Why would you say that?” Wonwoo’s heart starts to pound. “I love you. You know I love you.”
Vernon takes a deep breath. “I don’t think you do,” he says carefully.
“Vernon, I love you,” Wonwoo says again, holding Vernon’s face with his hands. He kisses Vernon once, then twice. “I love you.”
Vernon is rigid in Wonwoo’s hands, much like how he was the first few months. It makes Wonwoo panic.
“I love you,” Vernon says back, his voice delicate and quiet. “I love you a lot.”
“And I love you. So what’s the problem?” The panic starts to make Wonwoo fidgety. “I don’t understand what’s wrong. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Vernon closes his eyes. “It’s not the same. We don’t love each other the same way.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Wonwoo says, desperate, holding onto Vernon tighter because deep down he does know.
Wonwoo loves Vernon. He does. Wonwoo spent the last eleven months falling for the boy who loves deeply but privately; the boy who he sees so much of himself in. Vernon grew on him so unexpectedly and so thoroughly that Wonwoo can’t imagine life without him. Vernon is weird and quiet, and loud in the safe space of Wonwoo’s bedroom, and he’s funny and witty and shy, like a breath of fresh air from all the stressful things going on in Wonwoo’s life, and Wonwoo isn’t sure how to be without him anymore. He sat with Wonwoo when he studied late at the library, and kept Wonwoo sane during his thesis review, and noticed so many little things about Wonwoo that no one else ever took the time to even try to learn. And yet. And yet and yet and yet.
And yet Wonwoo knows. He knows there is something unforgiving lodged in the back of his mind. He feels it when they hold hands, or kiss goodbye, or wash each other’s hair. He feels it when he looks Vernon in the eyes and says I love you. But sometimes Vernon makes Wonwoo feel so good that he wants to pretend. He wants to pretend like it can really be this way, that Wonwoo is capable of loving Vernon the way he deserves. There’s something so addicting about distraction. About imitation. It makes Wonwoo forget about his reality and all the messy feelings he has.
Vernon reaches up to guide Wonwoo’s hands away from his face. “You’re not in it fully,” he says. “I can tell. I’ve always been able to tell. But I thought that maybe, after a while, things would change. I wanted to give you time to figure yourself out, you know, because you’re new to this type of thing, and I didn’t want to pressure you to give me anything you weren’t ready to give. But it’s been so long, and it hasn’t changed, really. Not at all. And it feels so empty sometimes, because you don’t look at me like you’re in love.”
Wonwoo’s composure starts to slip. “That’s not true, I—” he stumbles over his words. “Don’t do this. I love you.” Wonwoo grabs at Vernon, touching his arms and jaw and chest like he can make him stay if he just holds on.
Vernon smiles a sad smile. “It’s okay, Wonwoo. You’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t want to figure it out. I want you to stay.” He sounds childish.
Instead of responding, Vernon leans in and kisses Wonwoo one last time. The kiss is long and sweet, and Vernon’s steady hands are a stark contrast against Wonwoo’s shaking ones.
Vernon pulls away first.
“You don’t have to do this,” Wonwoo says, though Vernon is putting his bag over his shoulder.
“You should just stay,” Wonwoo tries again. “Please, just stay.” He sounds pathetic. He’s begging.
Vernon is already pulling the door open.
“Goodbye,” he says, looking so sad and happy at the same time that Wonwoo doesn’t understand.
The door slams shut, and suddenly it’s so quiet.
↠
New Year’s Day, 2022
It’s New Year’s, and Wonwoo barely makes it across the lawn before he hears the door open behind him.
“Wonwoo,” Mingyu calls out, and Wonwoo freezes.
“Wonwoo, stop,” Mingyu calls out again. Wonwoo turns, and he sees Mingyu walking towards him. Though he stumbles slightly, his eyes are sober, and Wonwoo can tell he’s pissed.
Mingyu walks right up to Wonwoo, and the sight is cruel: disheveled hair and puffy lips, like Wonwoo needed a reminder. As if this was something he could forget.
The entire situation is cruel, actually. The vain part of Wonwoo thinks he doesn’t deserve this. He is tired. So, so tired. And he doesn’t think he has much left to give, yet here Mingyu is, coming to twist the knife again like Wonwoo had anything left to bleed.
“What the hell, Wonwoo?” he says, and up close Wonwoo can see that Mingyu is really pissed.
“What’s wrong?” Wonwoo tries to play his part, but his voice comes out flat. This makes Mingyu angrier.
“Cut the shit, Wonwoo,” he says, his voice so mean and foreign that Wonwoo flinches. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep running away and not telling me why. It’s not fair. It’s selfish, and I’m getting tired of chasing you like some idiot because you refuse to ever tell me what’s going on.”
“I never asked you to chase me.” Wonwoo knows he’s being childish, but he doesn’t care.
“You’re my best friend. You’ve been my best friend for ten years. Ten years. Do you expect me to, what, let you run off and disappear to do God knows what? I get that you’re a private person. I get that more than anyone. But it is so exhausting always trying to figure out what’s wrong, or what I’m doing that’s pissing you off so much, because I really can’t figure it out.” Mingyu pauses. “And I know you keep things from me, and that’s fine. I don’t expect you to share every feeling or every thought you have, but come on. You have to give me something to work with, because this is getting ridiculous.”
Wonwoo doesn’t get angry often, never at Mingyu, but he can feel it starting to creep up, and it scares him. It scares him because it’s wrong and misplaced but feels so real, and no matter how hard he tries to push it back down like he normally does, it keeps growing.
“You’re joking, right?” he hears himself say, and he doesn’t think he’s ever sounded this cold. But it’s impossible to be rational when Wonwoo is hurt and in love, so he lets the anger take over.
“I’m dead serious.”
Wonwoo can’t think. He can only feel how angry he’s getting, because this is the first time he’s ever let it get like this, and it’s overwhelming and blinding and he wants to break something.
“Fuck you, dude. Fuck you.”
“No, Wonwoo. Fuck you. You never think about how your actions affect the people around you. How your actions affect me.”
“You have no fucking idea what I think about, Mingyu, so don’t act like you do.” Wonwoo hates Mingyu. He hates him so much.
“Then fucking tell me! I can’t read your mind!”
Maybe it’s because he’s turning 26 this year, and he doesn’t think he can keep this up for the rest of his life because it feels like he’s literally dying, but Wonwoo lets go of what little control he left.
“You know what?” he says, channeling every bad and hurtful feeling into a tone that has Mingyu stepping back. “You want to know what’s been bothering me so much tonight? I have known you for ten fucking years, Mingyu, and you’ve never looked at me once. And it is so exhausting watching you choose everyone over me. Every. Single. Time. So excuse me if I don’t feel like watching you eat Soonyoung’s face tonight. I’m not in the fucking mood, nor will I ever be in the fucking mood.”
Wonwoo watches Mingyu process his words. Watches his eyes widen and expression drop. “What are you talking about?” Mingyu says, and Wonwoo hates how confused he sounds, because fuck him for not knowing. Fuck him for making Wonwoo say it.
“I love you. I have loved you for so long, and I hate it. I hate it so much.”
Mingyu stares and doesn’t say a single thing. He doesn’t move at all, actually. He just stares and stares and stares, and Wonwoo feels like he’s going to throw up.
↠
October 2011
Mingyu is fourteen, and he has a crush.
It’s bad, he thinks, because he really has a crush. And this is a problem, because his crush happens to be everyone else’s crush, too. This stresses Mingyu out, because he’s not very good with words, and he doesn’t think he can ask someone out without using words.
Mingyu decides he needs to stop being a baby and ask his crush out, so he makes a plan to do it in between third and fourth period, and he’s sweaty and nervous and bouncing his leg the entire morning. The time comes, and Mingyu is waiting in position, but then he looks up and sees his crush walking in his direction, and he gets so nervous that he turns and runs the other way. He decides that tomorrow will be better, and today was practice, and he’ll absolutely kill it now that he knows what to expect.
Tomorrow comes, and Mingyu has his favorite socks on for good luck, and he’s waiting in the spot he planned, and the same exact thing happens: he panics.
He tells himself that third time’s the charm, so he makes sure to wear his favorite socks and his favorite jacket the next day, but it happens again. And again. And again.
Mingyu spends two months like that, until one random Tuesday in October when he decides enough is enough.
He corners Jeon Wonwoo in a stairwell. Mingyu thinks he has this under control until Wonwoo is looking right at him for probably the first time ever, eyes wide behind his glasses, and Mingyu forgets how to form sentences because Wonwoo is smaller and prettier up close.
Mingyu gets so nervous that he blacks out and says all the wrong things, and then he’s late for math, and he didn’t even get to say all the things he wanted to.
He decides to try again at lunch. He sits next to Wonwoo, but he can’t decide whether to tap him on the shoulder or call his name or wave a hand in front of his face to get his attention, so he picks the worst possible option and pulls one of his earbuds out. This scares Wonwoo, and then Mingyu gets flustered, and then he starts rambling because he always rambles when he’s flustered.
Lunch ends, and Mingyu wants to slap himself for wasting another chance, but he also wants to high-five himself because he just spent all of lunch with Wonwoo and it wasn’t even that awkward. He tells himself that he’ll get the courage tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, and he doesn’t mind if he gets to sit and hangout with Wonwoo in between.
↠
February 2013
Mingyu is sixteen, and his best friend is too cute for his own good.
While trying to get the courage to tell Wonwoo how he felt, Mingyu accidentally became his best friend, which is confusing because best friends are supposed to be platonic, but all Mingyu wants to do is kiss Wonwoo and tell him he’s pretty.
It’s late, Mingyu is laying in bed, and all he can think about is how tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and Wonwoo probably won’t even remember this until he gets to school and finds a pile of candy and letters on his desk.
Mingyu is annoyed at the thought and also himself, because he really should tell Wonwoo how he feels, and tomorrow would be the most logical day to do it. And since he always gets antsy at night, he decides to go see Wonwoo right now because it’s only a 20-minute walk and Mingyu doesn’t mind the cold.
He walks to Wonwoo’s house, and Wonwoo gets so flustered by the exchange, and Mingyu thinks he must be the cutest person in the entire world.
He convinces Wonwoo to sneak out with him, and by the time they get to the water, it’s almost midnight, and Mingyu likes knowing that he’ll be the first person Wonwoo sees on Valentine’s Day.
They sit and watch the boats, and Mingyu has watched enough dramas to know that this is when he should kiss Wonwoo. The thought makes his face flush, and he hopes the moon isn’t bright enough for Wonwoo to see. He stares out at the water while he tries to plan where his hands would go and how he would move his mouth.
He turns to finally do it, and Wonwoo is already looking at him, and it seems so easy. But then Wonwoo looks away and Mingyu loses his nerve. He starts stressing over how it will go, and if Wonwoo will think he’s a bad kisser, and then he decides that it’s okay if he waits another day.
↠
September 2015
Mingyu is drunk and in college and on a random person’s porch. Wonwoo is holding him up so he can stand, and Mingyu appreciates this because the entire world is spinning and also because Wonwoo is so close.
“You look sad,” Mingyu says.
“I’m really not. I promise. I’m actually very content.”
“Are you lying to me?”
“No,” Wonwoo says, but Mingyu isn’t listening.
Wonwoo is so close that it’s too easy for Mingyu to put a hand on his cheek and another on his neck, and then Mingyu is kissing Wonwoo like he’s planned since middle school. It feels so much better than the girl from the party that Mingyu only kissed because he was drunk and lonely. It feels so right—Wonwoo feels so right—because Wonwoo is warm and small and soft in Mingyu’s hands, and Mingyu wants it to last forever.
It doesn’t. Wonwoo pushes Mingyu away and steps back.
“Stop it. You’re drunk. You don’t mean that,” Wonwoo says, and Mingyu feels stupid.
“I’m sorry—” he tries, but Wonwoo cuts him off.
“It’s okay. You’re drunk. You won’t even remember this tomorrow.”
Mingyu remembers. He remembers it all. He doesn’t bring it up, though, because it feels like an answer, just not the one he wants to hear.
↠
January 2019
Mingyu gets older, and he still doesn’t date because the thought of committing to someone that isn’t Wonwoo makes him feel icky and weird. Mingyu doesn’t like feeling icky and weird.
Instead, he stays single. He doesn’t mind it. Though he likes physical touch too much for his own good, so he goes out on weekends and finds strangers to bring home for the night. He doesn’t mind that, either.
One night, Mingyu is trashed at a dance bar. He gets emotional when he drinks, and Wonwoo makes him emotional, so he usually gets emotional about Wonwoo. This is bad for Mingyu’s sanity and also his pick-up skills.
He talks to a boy with blonde hair, and instead of being flirty and cool, Mingyu decides to take the boy through his entire history with Wonwoo, because Wonwoo is drunk Mingyu’s favorite topic. He does this often to strangers at bars, and he sees it as a good sign when they’re still listening by the time he gets to the high school arc.
The boy listens the entire time, and Mingyu thinks that’s really attractive, so he pulls him in for a sloppy kiss and casually mentions the distance to his apartment.
They hook up, and it’s good, so they do it again the next weekend. They start hooking up regularly, and when they talk in between, Mingyu learns that the boy is actually pretty cool. His name is Soonyoung, and he’s nice and funny, and those are two things Mingyu really likes in a person. So when they aren’t having sex, they’re being friends.
Mingyu dates Soonyoung. This is interesting because Soonyoung knows all about Wonwoo, though he doesn’t mind. He also likes someone else, he tells Mingyu, and he thinks he and Mingyu could both use the distraction. Mingyu agrees.
When he Mingyu tells Wonwoo about Soonyoung, it’s another unspoken question, and Wonwoo gives him another wrong answer. And then Wonwoo leaves like he always does, and Mingyu can’t help but feel like he did something wrong.
↠
April 2019
Wonwoo starts dating a boy named Vernon, and Mingyu hates this for several reasons.
The first reason is that Wonwoo hangs out with Vernon more than Mingyu. Mingyu finds this extremely annoying, and Wonwoo never returns his calls, and voicemail boxes have limited space.
The second reason is that Vernon is cool and interesting and smart. Mingyu hates this because although he may be cool, he’s not interesting, and he’s really not smart.
The third and worst reason is that Mingyu thought Wonwoo didn’t like anyone that way, especially not boys, and Mingyu doesn’t like knowing that he’s always been an option.
When Vernon breaks up with Wonwoo, Mingyu is supposed to be relieved, but he isn’t. And when Wonwoo is sad and heartbroken, Mingyu’s a bad friend, because all he can feel is jealous. He’s jealous of the boy who broke Wonwoo’s heart because that means he had it in the first place.
↠
New Year’s Eve, 2021
It’s New Year’s Eve, and Mingyu looks for Wonwoo the entire night. It’s getting late, and Mingyu is getting angry because Wonwoo is supposed to be here. He promised, and Mingyu made sure to double check with him about a million times before, but he’s still not here. Mingyu is angry because this always happens, and every time he thinks it’s going to be different.
It’s around 11:00pm when Mingyu finds Wonwoo in the crowd. He tries to stay angry, he really does, but the second they make eye contact, Mingyu forgets everything.
When it’s almost midnight, Wonwoo is so close that Mingyu gets angry again. It feels mean, like a tease, and Mingyu wishes he’d go somewhere else. The countdown ends, and Mingyu turns and kisses Soonyoung even though they stopped hooking up last year. The kiss is angry because Mingyu is angry, and when he pulls away, he sees Wonwoo leaving like he always does.
He follows Wonwoo outside, and they fight because Mingyu is in a bad mood.
He vents, and it feels good until Wonwoo looks at Mingyu with hate and says, “I love you,” and then all Mingyu can do is stare.
↠
New Year’s Day, 2022
Mingyu stares and stares and stares, and Wonwoo feels like he’s going to throw up. He wants to yell at Mingyu to get it over with because he knows how this ends, and the waiting is brutal.
“You’re so stupid,” Mingyu says after forever. “Wonwoo, you’re an idiot.” He’s smiling, and Wonwoo is too taken aback to find it cruel.
Mingyu starts laughing. He laughs so hard he shakes, and the sound is loud and confusing in Wonwoo’s ears. Wonwoo wants to tell him to stop because Mingyu keeps laughing and laughing like everything is hilarious, but Wonwoo doesn’t find the situation funny at all.
Wonwoo watches Mingyu for an entire minute before he collects himself. “You know I had a crush on you in middle school, right?” Mingyu says, out of breath. “And high school. And college.” He pauses. “I thought I was pretty obvious in college.”
Mingyu is talking but the words aren’t making sense. It’s like Wonwoo’s brain is trying to put something into place, but the fit is all wrong, and it won’t click no matter how hard he pushes the pieces together. It makes him dizzy like he’s going to pass out, and he wants to sit down.
“I’ve liked you this entire time,” Mingyu says with ease, and Wonwoo doesn’t know what to say because it still isn’t clicking, because there’s no way Wonwoo is hearing him correctly.
“That’s not very funny,” he forces out.
“You’re such an idiot,” Mingyu laughs, hair falling into his eyes as he shakes his head. “Seriously. I honestly thought you knew and were ignoring it to spare my feelings because come on. I’m so obvious.”
“I don’t—” Wonwoo feels lost because Mingyu is talking like this is the simplest thing in the world, but Wonwoo still doesn’t understand. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I tried to ask you out a million times back in middle school. I literally walked you to class every day.” Mingyu tilts his head, smiling like Wonwoo is being silly. “Did you think I did that for fun?”
Wonwoo can’t think at all. He can only look at the boy he’s been in love with for years, the boy saying things that make Wonwoo’s head spin, and try to chase away the feeling of falling.
“I liked you before you even knew I existed,” Mingyu goes on. “I had your entire schedule memorized. I followed you around for a month before I even talked to you. And when we became friends, I still followed you everywhere. It was almost embarrassing. I felt like a lost puppy chasing you around. Sometimes I still feel that way.” Mingyu lets out a light laugh, but his eyes are glassy enough to reflect the streetlights.
Wonwoo is busy going through their entire history. He sifts through memories and tries to rewrite them—tries to rewrite every word and gesture for what they were and not what he made them out to be. It’s overwhelming, like the ground is splitting open and about to swallow him whole, but it isn’t scary. It’s a new feeling, and the more he rewrites, the more something terrible and malicious washes over him: hope, but this time it’s warm and solid and feels like it isn’t going to slip away the second he touches it.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he says, sounding small.
“Oh, trust me. I tried. So many times. But I could never get the timing right. And the longer we were friends, the more I thought you weren’t interested.”
“Mingyu, I—” Wonwoo is embarrassed by how badly his voice cracks. “Fuck. I’m—I’m interested. I’m definitely interested.” He struggles to find the words. “I’m in love with you.”
“Yeah, well, you should have been more obvious about it!” Mingyu jokes, though his voice is unsteady like he’s about to cry. “You know I’m not good at figuring things out,” he says, and then he’s actually crying. “I’m terrible at that. You know I’m terrible.” Mingyu starts to cry so hard his shoulders shake, and Wonwoo doesn’t think before closing the distance between them.
He pulls Mingyu into a hug, tight and intimate like he’s never been able to, and his heartbeat slows at the feeling of Mingyu pressed against him, his body relaxing as if he physically needed this. Mingyu clings onto Wonwoo, desperate like he’ll never be able to do this again. He feels small and breakable in Wonwoo’s arms, shaking so much that Wonwoo grips him tighter, steady for the both of them.
“You should have told me,” Mingyu says through messy tears, talking into Wonwoo’s neck. “You really should have told me.”
“I’m sorry,” Wonwoo says softly, letting a hand drift into Mingyu’s hair to run through the strands. “I thought—I thought it would freak you out.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Mingyu cries harder, and Wonwoo wants to tell him that it’s okay, that there’s nothing to be sad about anymore.
He pulls away to look at Mingyu, whose grip tightens as he does so. Mingyu’s eyes are red and swollen, tears streaming down his face, and Wonwoo wants him to stop looking so sad.
Wonwoo puts his hands on Mingyu’s face, careful as he’s ever been, and leans in. He kisses him slowly, so slow they barely move at first, and Mingyu is soft and warm against Wonwoo’s mouth, and it feels like the ground is splitting open and about to swallow him whole, but it’s the best feeling in the entire world. Mingyu’s hands fall to Wonwoo’s waist as he kisses back, equally gentle, and Wonwoo’s head rushes from how good and right Mingyu feels. Mingyu starts to kiss harder, aggressive and impatient, hands digging into Wonwoo’s waist in a way that’s painful, and Wonwoo feels sensitive all over because he doesn’t think a kiss has ever been this good.
Mingyu still has tears falling when Wonwoo pulls away.
↠
July 2022
It’s Wonwoo’s birthday.
He’s turning 26, which is an age that used to scare him, but now feels exciting and new and telling of all that’s still to come.
He’s with his friends, all twelve of them that hold such different but important pieces of his heart, and he feels whole.
They’re celebrating at the house Joshua just moved into. It’s loud and uncoordinated, and everyone is talking over each other, and Wonwoo just watched Seokmin drop the entire cake on the floor and covertly scoop it back onto the plate, and Wonwoo knows he wouldn’t have it any other way. He knows this because hidden in the noise and commotion are the people he cares about the most, like Jun, who can’t stop smiling because Minghao didn’t immediately shove him away when he put an arm around him. Or Vernon, who’s been listening to Seungkwan talk nonstop for an hour but doesn’t seem to mind. Or Chan, who’s watching everyone with wide eyes and a look of adoration because he loves his friends as much as Wonwoo does. Or Mingyu, who’s trying to yell at Seokmin for ruining the cake but can’t stop laughing every time he looks at it.
When it’s time to blow the candles out on the deformed cake, Wonwoo can’t think of a single thing to wish for that he doesn’t have already. He closes his eyes and wishes for his friends to stay happy and close, and he thinks that’s enough.
And when the night ends, he gets to go home with the love of his life.
He doesn’t think he could be happier.