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Maddie stares at the scrap of white paper in her hand, squinting at the sloppy blue ink starkly bright on the faded paper.
4995 S Bedford St Apt 403
She checks, and then double checks the paper, confusedly blinking at the house the Uber driver had dropped her off in front of. She was dropped off here fifteen minutes ago, and not for the first time in all those minutes, she wonders if that group of young, definitely day drunk people had played a trick on her when they gave her this address. A thousand thoughts run through her head: is this a prank? Did she give the Uber driver the wrong address? Or were they with him , tricking her into another prison like the one she just left. Just ran away from.
She had left in the middle of the night, not turning to look at the cage where the wild beast slept for a second. She ran as far and as fast she could, and only when she reached the middle of nowhere somewhere around Ohio did she stop and think “where am I going? Where will I ever be safe?” And all at once, her heart had only uttered one name, the echo riveting through her body until she could do nothing but immediately run towards the sound. Evan.
And now she’s here, an unknown address given to her by the people in the last address she had heard from her brother from, a Christmas card five years ago consisting of a hot rod red firetruck and a smiling Evan. The apartment she had initially gone to was something she was expecting: a small bachelor pad housing more people than it should, in a loud college students neighborhood which slept in the morning and partied in the night. That she expected - after all, her brother has always been the daredevil of their family, courting danger and never quite knowing where to set his roots. She was ecstatic to know he had finally settled in LA, had found a job he loves and friends he liked, a young man in his twenties still living the life he wasn’t allowed to enjoy as a kid.
The house in front of her paints a different picture, though.
She faces a nice bungalow, painted a homely shade of mint green with a curving white porch where a small swing chair sits proudly and pots of planted flowers stand tall around the door. It emanates a feeling of warmth and belonging - a house that is well and truly a home. There is a feeling fluttering in her chest, one that flies up and lodges in her throat. Her brother found a home , and it fills her with pride. It’s small and modest, but she knows without even having to go in that it is a family home. She cannot pinpoint what exactly about the house appeals to her so much, but it exudes an aura of warmth, of positivity and happiness. She can almost hear a child’s laughter in her ears, though no children are around. She looks around curiously, noting for the first time that this is without a doubt a family neighborhood. There are abandoned bicycles on the front yard of the neighbor’s house, and a tree with a poster pinned up on it advertising a neighborhood barbeque. It is, for the lack of a better description, the exact opposite of the kind of place she expected to find Evan in.
And yet, from her vantage point on the other side of the street she can make out the lines of the blue jeep she had watched retreat into the distance all those years ago, taking her brother with it. It looks a little more beaten up than she remembers, scratches and chips in the paints which tell stories Maddie did not have the privilege to be a part of. But it is unmistakably the jeep, once belonging to her, the jeep she had given her brother to gift him his freedom. It is parked right in front of the house, next to another rather new looking silver truck. It’s undeniable proof that this is where she will find her brother, probably with a life Maddie had always hoped he would get. She wonders, not for the first time, if she is doing the right thing intruding in it.
She takes a deep breath, walking up to the red door with as much confidence as she can muster, knocking twice with uncertain raps. She waits a beat, then two, then three, each moment seemingly stretching on forever. She tries planting her feet firmly on the ground so that she cannot leave. Finally, she hears shuffling on the other side, the door opening to reveal a man blinking confusedly at her. He’s handsome, and holds himself as if he knows it too. His dark hair is mused up as if he has just rolled out of bed, making Maddie painfully aware that she has in fact turned up at a stranger’s house at 7 am. He is wearing a t-shirt with a LAFD logo embezzled over his chest, a few sizes too big and long on him. After several moments of silence, he coughs uncertainly, “can I help you?”
Maddie clears her throat, a vain attempt to buy herself a bit more time. “Hi, sorry. I was looking for Evan Buckley? I was told he lives here.” Maddie flashed the man her best apologetic smile. The man watched her with suspicious eyes, “what do you want with Evan?” There is a flare of something in his eyes, an unmistakable sense of protectiveness that Maddie can recognise keenly, if only because she has seen it in the mirror enough times.
When Maddie answers, she cannot help but her voice be shaky. “He’s my brother,” she whispers.
All at once the man’s demeanor changes. He sighs, looking equal parts happy but pained. “You’re Maddie,” he says, stating it as a fact rather than a question. “Come in,” he beckons her, not waiting for an answer as he turns and starts walking back inside. On his back, the white script of BUCKLEY stands out against the black t-shirt.
The man leads her into the main room, giving her a soft smile. Maddie’s attention immediately lands on the photos, several of them scattered all around the room. She studies the row closest to her on the mantelpiece: a picture of a young brunette woman in a pretty floral dress, her arms around a small boy - probably not any older than three or four - with curly hair and a big smile; a picture of the man and the same boy, now slightly older, in front of a firetruck. It’s the third picture that makes Maddie’s breath catch - three people with a backdrop that looks like it might be the beach. Two men and a small boy - the boy, the man, and Evan. The boy is on Evan’s shoulders, his small arms thrown around his neck. Evan has one hand reaching up to grip the boy’s hand protectively, the other playfully shoving the man’s shoulder, who has his head thrown back with laughter. And, god - the smile on Evan’s face. Maddie tries to remember a time when she’s ever seen Evan laugh like that, and she comes up blank.
She turns to look at the man again, her eyes full of tears. He’s been watching her the whole time, she realizes, and something about her reaction must reassure him because he relaxes. He opens his mouth to speak when a third voice fills the room.
“Hey, Eds,” she hears her brother say, his voice deeper than she remembers, much more like the self assured man he had grown to be than the unsure boy she sent away, “Carla said she’s--”
Maddie’s first glimpse of her brother after almost six years almost knocks her out. He’s bigger now, is the first thing she realizes. Evan has always been tall - he shot up like a weed when he hit fourteen and kept growing since. And yet, he doesn’t just look taller now - he feels taller too. The last time she saw him, he was hunched into himself, constantly trying to make himself smaller, take up less space. It was a side effect of growing up in the Buckley house, and though she tried so hard to protect him from their parents’ disinterest, she knows it must have gotten bad over the years she was not there with them. Now though - now he stands up tall, lets himself fill up the room. Confidence comes off him in waves - not the false pretense of confidence he liked showing off in high school to make himself look like the cool, popular stud but actual confidence, like a man who knows who he is and is assured of his place in the world. His face glows, his eyes shine brighter - he looks completely, incandescently happy.
“Maddie?” he trembles, his voice wobbling, small and tentative. It’s the exact tone he used to use when they were young, when he would fall down his bicycle and look at her with big eyes as she tended to his wounds, when he would have a nightmare and crawl into her bed because he thought his sister could chase away the monsters under his bed (and she had tried, God knows she tried, but she couldn’t chase away the monsters she had mistakenly invited in. All she could do was make sure he was far away from it).
“Evan,” she whispers. She wants to say more, do more, wants to run to her brother and wrap him in her arms and not let go, wants to scream and cry and apologize, wants to do so much, say everything she has wanted to say to him for years. She can’t do any of it though, just furiously blinks away her tears as she stares at him.
“I’m going to go see if Chris is awake,” the man - Eds? - says, briefly brushing his hand down Evan’s bare arms as he passes him. The touch seems to relax Evan immediately, making him gulp before he stammers, “what are you doing here?”
“I was in L.A. and I wanted to see my brother,” Maddie says softly, telling Evan the brief version of the truth as she had rehearsed several times before dropping in on him. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, and she has to remind herself again that Evan absolutely cannot be involved in anything related to Doug. It was never an option - keeping Evan safe comes first, always - but it’s even more unthinkable now that she can see how much Evan has to lose.
“And Doug?” Evan asks carefully. Maddie’s face hardens. “Don’t know, don’t care.”
Evan smiles slightly, “good,” is all he says when a little boy comes barreling in, the man following closely behind.
“Buck!” the boy exclaims, flinging into Evan’s arms. Evan immediately drops to his feet, anticipating the boy’s hug with a precision that only comes from routine. “Morning buddy!” Evan grins brightly, “what are we feeling like today?”
“Pancakes!” the boy exclaims.
The man shakes his head amusedly, “we had waffles yesterday.”
“That’s not the same as pancakes, dad,” the boy says, rolling his eyes.
The man laughs, turning to Evan, “he gets that attitude from you.”
Evan smiles innocently, high fiving the boy excitedly, “that just means he’s awesome!”
Maddie can’t help but huff out a laugh, causing all three pairs of eyes to turn to her. The two men share a brief look, communicating in a wordless manner that only comes from years of understanding.
“Uh, buddy,” Evan says, turning his attention to the boy, “there’s someone I want you to meet. Remember I told you about my sister, Maddie? This is her.” Maddie looks at Evan in surprise. “And Mads,” Evan says, smiling openly. “You’ve already met Eddie. My husband,” he adds. “And this is our son, Christopher.”
Maddie stares at them openly, her mouth rounded in a soft O until her vision blurs with tears. She had hoped - god she had hoped - that Evan would find happiness wherever he goes. That was partly the reason she was so insistent to send him far away from Hershey. She wanted him away from Doug, and she wanted him away from the sharp talons of Margaret and Phillip Buckley - but more than all that, she wanted him to be free. And here he is now, a husband and a father, and well. Maddie may have made some bad calls in her life, but Evan was always what she was most proud of. The lovely boy who turned into an even amazing man. She feels like her heart could burst.
Evan is staring at her with timid eyes, gouging her reaction (as if she could ever be anything less than completely happy for him). Eddie is standing next to him, their shoulders touching, a pillar of support. He forces eye contact with her expectedly, as if challenging her to say something, warning her. Maddie likes him already.
Maddie ignores them both, crossing the distance of a few steps until she kneels in front of Christopher.
“Hi Christopher,” she says softly, “it’s so nice to meet you.”
“Hello,” Christopher - her nephew, and god isn’t that the most amazing sentence she had ever uttered - says brightly, the tiniest bit shy but giving a smile that lights up the room. He is so much like Evan, Maddie feels like crying all over again. She can feel a tear spill out, and Christopher raises his tiny hand to wipe it away.
“Hey, how about we all continue this over breakfast? Chris you gotta get to school too.”
Evan looks at Maddie hesitantly. “Let me make you breakfast, Maddie?”
“You know,” Maddie says, her voice shaking, “when Buck was your age he used to insist on pancakes every morning as well.”
“Really?” Christopher exclaims, his big smile getting wider.
“Yeah!” Maddie tries to match his enthusiasm. “Every single day, he would come into my room and shake me awake and demand I make him chocolate chip pancakes.”
“That’s what he makes me too!” Chris exclaims happily, “but only on the weekends or on birthdays.”
“And since it’s Monday today,” Eddie says, coming and picking Christopher up in a bear hug, “and I am pretty sure it’s not any of our birthdays, you can eat normal breakfast.”
Christopher pouts, and Buck hesitates for a moment before looking up at Eddie with wide eyes.
Eddie says nothing, crossing his arms over his chest and giving Buck a single, unimpressed, eyebrow rise. Buck deflates immediately.
“But Dad,” Christopher says, in the convicted voice only a ten year old could have, “it’s Auntie Maddie’s first breakfast with us, so it is special.”
Evan barks out laughing, and it jolts a laughter out of Maddie too. The sound almost sounds foreign to her ears. She suddenly remembers with vivid clarity the last time she laughed; truly laughed, instead of the fake one she perfected over the years to convince people she was in a happy marriage. It was with Evan, in that tiny window of happiness that had come between her agreeing to leave and reality crushing her dreams flat. Maddie had arranged for Evan to stay with a friend of hers that night, with plans to leave in the morning. She had stayed up with Evan half the night, the two of them discussing their plans: where they would go, what they would eat, the people they would meet. And in that moment, Maddie had allowed herself to see a future. Her and her brother, against the world, in a place they belong, with people they belong. The happiness had crushed not long after she had walked into her prison to see her husband sit there, ready to beat all the happiness out of her. He had strangled every last shred of hope for herself out of her that day, but it had not stopped her from having that hope for her brother. There is a part of her that still feels this is a dream, that she is going to wake up in the cold, hard bed back in Hershey with an echoing laugh in her ears, wishing her brother gets to live the happy life she lost a long time ago.
“Well, you’ve got a point there buddy,” Eddie says. “It is our first family breakfast together, I guess.”
Eddie looks over Christopher’s head to give Maddie a warm smile, and then settles his eyes on Evan. They seem to be having entire conversations with just their eyes here, and Evan’s eyes go soft in a way Maddie has never seen before. This is love, she thinks to herself, this is what it means to be in love. Here her brother is, the boy who craved affection, now building a family of his own. And none of them blinked a second time before embracing her in as well. Maddie spent most of the journey to LA being equal parts elated and terrified; she missed her brother, being away from him was one of the hardest things she had to do, and yet the years of silence from him terrified her. It wasn’t his fault, of course - he didn’t know why Maddie was so persistently avoiding contact with him. She wondered if he hated her now, if he even wants her in his life anymore. And yet here he is, with a family who have all heard about her before: family who want her to be their own. This is what belonging feels like, she thinks. Her and Evan both spent their childhoods searching for it, and Maddie spent most of her adulthood trying to belong with Doug. She hadn’t found it all this time, but looking at Christopher holding her hand and Eddie and Buck giving her loving smiles, she thinks maybe she can find it here, too.
Somehow, when her eyes meet Evan’s, she feels like Evan knows this too.
So she lets herself be ushered into a seat - a decently sized table in the same muted colors as the rest of the house. She lets Buck portion an extremely delicious serving of pancakes - just on the side of overcooked, exactly the way she likes it - and toast onto her plate, pretends to seriously consider when Christopher asks her what her favorite juice is, watches the way the boy’s face lights up when she picks apple juice - clearly the right choice. She gives Christopher a big hug when Eddie tells him it’s time to leave for school.
“Will you be here when I get back?” Chris asks her, and she pretends she doesn’t see the way Buck’s hands halt where they are loading the dishwasher.
“Yeah,” Maddie promises, “I will be.”
Christopher looks up at her for a moment, and then puts his pinky forward. “Do you pinky promise?” When he sees Maddie stare at his pinky with wordless shock, he grins, “Buck does it with me all the time! He said when he was little you used to make pinky promises with him!”
“Yeah,” Maddie says, a tear falling from her eyes, “I did.” She hooks her pinky over Christopher’s.
“You pinky promised,” Christopher says solemnly, “that means you can never ever break it.”
“Alright little man,” Eddie says, coming up behind him. “Time to go to school.”
Both men watch Christopher leave the room with protective eyes, sharing a small smile, private as he barrels out. Maddie does not have any experience with parents - good ones at least, because the Buckley parents certainly did not eat breakfast with their children every morning - but there is something about the look Buck and Eddie are sharing right now that tells her it’s one they share everytime they look at Chris and come to the realization that they are raising this perfect kid together.
Eddie walks over to Buck, close enough so their shoulders touch. The stance makes it clear the conversation is supposed to be private, yet Maddie cannot make herself look away. “I’m going to drop Chris off to school,” Eddie whispers, “then I’m going to go check on Abuela. I’ll see you at work?”
“Our shift starts at 12pm,” Buck answers, his eyebrows scrunched up in confusion.
“Evan,” Eddie says softly, lifting his hand up and ghosting his thumb over Evan’s jaw, Evan closing his eyes and leaning into the touch. “Spend time with your sister. I’ll see you later. Call me if you need anything, I’ll come right back.”
Evan says nothing for a moment, staring at Eddie in a way that looks foreign even to Maddie. It’s love that Maddie sees on her brother’s face - true love - the kind of love people write books and poems about, the kind people watch on T.V. and wist for, the kind of love people have built and dismantled empires for. Maddie had spent so long in a love that only brought pain that she forgot the other kind exists; the softer love, the comforting love.
Eddie leans in to give Buck a quick kiss, touching his arm briefly before stepping away. She turns to look at Maddie, giving a reassuring smile. “I hope I see you tonight?” is all Eddie says, and Maddie gives a watery nod. “Wouldn’t miss it,” she says, her voice a little hoarse. “I want to get to know my brother-in-law.” Eddie gives a short laugh, his smile broadening as he ducks his head. Evan looks at them both a little disbelievingly, almost as if he can’t believe this is happening.
“Besides,” Maddie chuckles lightly, “I have so many embarrassing baby stories to tell you.”
Buck frowns, “hey now!”
Eddie steps towards Buck once again, giving him a quick kiss on his cheek. “It’s only fair, babe. My sisters told you enough stories about me.”
Buck sticks his tongue out, and Eddie laughs again as he ducks in for a quick kiss and then makes his way out of the room in one fluid movement, throwing a smug smile at Buck behind him.
Buck shakes his head, still smiling broadly. It makes Maddie’s eyes fill up with tears.
“It’s a good look on you,” Maddie finds herself saying, mildly surprised at herself. When Buck gives her a confused look, she adds on, “this. A husband and a son. Marriage. Love. It looks good on you.”
Buck gives an uneasy smile. “Yeah?” He breathes out, looking at her with the wide eyes and that makes her feel like he is six years old again, asking Maddie to pinky promise that their parents will come to his baseball game. Maddie could not make that promise of love and commitment then, but she can now.
“Yeah,” she nods, “it’s all I ever wanted for you, Evan. To find happiness like that.”
“I didn’t think I ever would,” Evan confesses softly. “Not until I met Eddie and Christopher.”
She walks over to the couch, sitting down and patting the spot next to her. “Tell me,” is all she says and when Evan comes and sits beside her, hands gesticulating wildly as he imaginatively tells his big sister his love story, Maddie lets herself relax for a moment and really think that maybe, just maybe , she could find a home here too.