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When you finally turn 16 and are ready to leave the Duke’s orphanage in the hopes of finally seeing Mal again, listen to Ana Kuya’s parting words to you. You might not want to pay heed to them then but you'll end up carrying them with you for the rest of your life.
Learn to let go.
You'll rebuke her statement. You and the boy, who comes to the orphanage at the same time as you, that's how it's always meant to be. No matter where your posting might be, you'll yearn for when both of you are finally together, countdown the days until you are. The boy that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life, with will turn his back on you. You'll try to convince yourself that you could abandon the part of yourself that you've neglected for so long and settle down and have the picture perfect farm life that he’s dreamt of. You'll spend hours during the night staring at the canopy of your bed imagining your life. You and he will buy a cottage and a piece of land. You'll learn to cook, clean, sew and mend. He'll tend to the farm and catch animals for stew. You'll eventually have kids and your whole life will be spent in one place. It sounds inviting and charming, the idea of it, you'll try to convince yourself.
(Only to find peace in a room that isn't yours. Black sheets and a smell enveloping you that don't belong to Mal. You'll lie to yourself that it's the last time each time.)
You'll try holding onto people with all your might but they might not want to be in your life. It's convenient to love a version of a person that you've dreamt up in your head.
And you'll meet people that will remain in your life that you would have never thought of meeting in a million years. How could you? The path of an assistant cartographer is worlds apart from that of Grisha, much less than those in the Little Palace.
The red haired, green eyed woman who'll barge into your room, command everyone's eyes on herself with her presence, who can make everyone follow orders with just a few well-timed words is someone who will give her ear to you when you are in need of it.
The woman who will knock you into a wall on the first day of your training will become one of your most trusted advisors. You might not always see eye to eye but you'll have the utmost respect for each other, having proven that you are here for Grisha, and that you will not abandon them.
The sullen grouch that will sit in front of you on your first ride to the Little Palace, who doesn't know how to crack a smile unless it is for his husband, who will mock you for being lazy and ignorant to the massacre of Grisha, you’ll spend your first winter fête as tsarina by his hospital bed after he almost dies saving your life. You'll tell his husband to go rest but rebuke any attempts made by others to send you away.
(You'll deny this accusation vehemently in the years to come.)
The fearsome and formidable General whose carriage almost ran over you, will stand in front of you with onyx eyes. This man who has been alive for centuries, who has had to carry a burden for so long will stand before you and you'll think how lonely it must be on this path, to isolate yourself so as to command everyone.
The lilt of his voice, the request that is not quite a request to lift your sleeve will put you off balance, the shadows will start to creep around you and you will be warm but not just because of the light that will erupt from you. The revelation will shock you both and he will look at you with something indiscernible in his eyes, a thousand emotions flitting through them. Later you'll understand it to be desire, joy and relief at finally having someone by his side.
What you won't know then is that your daughter will command the same shadows (she'll conjure swirling wisps of shadows when her father picks her up and holds her to his chest for the first time and she curls her hands around his finger.)
Your son, on the other hand, will have his eyes.
This is what Ana Kuya won't tell you. Be selfish.
You've starved yourself from what is rightfully yours for far too long. There's so much that you haven't seen yet.
Don't be afraid of that part of you that craves power. That feeling you get when your light comes to the surface; the rush and the ecstasy, the pulsing thrum under your skin.
Don't be afraid of embracing your quest for knowledge. At the Duke's orphanage, it was otkazat’sya tales; in the library at the Little Palace, it will be to what limits you can push your powers.
Be selfish with Aleksander.
Standing in the war room, with his shadows and your light intermingling, curling around each other like lovers reunited, at last, this broken beautiful man, magnificent of mind, will look at you with luminous eyes; heady lust and want lurking deep in them.
You won't be able to stand under his gaze for too long, this pull between you two; a siren’s call, palpable that you'll try to resist. It's been a long time since someone has looked at you with love.
You might want to be afraid, after all, love is a silly little thing that perplexes everyone in its abstraction.
But don't be afraid to take initiative. You see, your future husband can sometimes be a buffon. He'll never stop being surprised by you and it'll always be worth it to see the devotion in his eyes when you surprise him. If it hadn't been for you taking charge the morning of the fête, who knows where you would be today?
Here is my most important advice to you; be dauntless, unmoving, relentless in the ferocity of your love.
One day you’ll return after discussing the ineffectiveness of the Lanstov appointed members and reforms to the current education system with the new education minister to the war room, only to find it in disarray.
The war table that is to be used for the purpose of discussing how to protect Ravka from her enemies, for discussing budgets, military excursions or the latest missives from spies with the privy council will be covered in glitter, paint and drawings of horses and volcra.
( The same war table that you would've been ravaged on if it hadn't been for Baghra.)
The spymaster of the country and the Tsar’s most trusted and capable Heartrender will be locked deep in a battle about which red dress would be suited best for a doll.
There will be chaos and cacophony as the sugar-high tsarevna and tsarevich of Ravka argue which stuffed toy should be the ruler while their father seated around a plastic table, squished in a chair (too small for him that he will need help to get out of but will be too proud to ask for), simply eats honey cakes in delight with a gaudy, jewel bedazzled tiara on his head.
Exhaustion and bone-deep weariness will vanish and be replaced with gratitude
The corner of your mouth will raise in a smile and you and your husband will lock eyes across the room and wonder at the marvel that is your family.
In that moment you'll feel how the radiance of your love shined so powerful, so bright, it'll feel like it could burn forever, like some magnificent and eternal sun, stronger than the one you could conjure in your hands. How you felt so small for this feeling; so big and explosive, bursting inside of you.
When the man who claims to be the villain of your story leaves your tent after causing both of you to be reduced to tears, don't be hesitant to call his name, the one that he entrusted you with. You've spent the better part of your life keeping quiet and subduing your voice. Don't be afraid to fight for him.
(Years later he'll tuck your hair behind your ear when your head is on his chest after he spent a whole day coaxing sounds of pleasure from your mouth. You'll crane your neck to look at him and he'll smile, without the burden of being the Tsar of a new Ravka or the leader of the Grisha but with adoration that only a husband can have for his wife. He won't be weighed down by centuries of loneliness or by guilt. He'll look like a boy whose favorite color is the pure buttery color of sunlight neither yellow nor gold, who only ever wanted love in return. He'll whisper to you that you saved him, so he's certain that that makes you the hero of this story.)
You may not end up where you wanted to at the start of your journey. But you'll know happiness nonetheless.
P.S. when planning your wedding you'll wonder at your husband's insistence on adorning the palace with blue irises and question him about it. It might be his favorite flower but it's your wedding too. When he looks at you with bafflement and insists it isn't his favorite but yours, that is what Mal told him, don't laugh too hard in his face. He’ll spend the entire day feeling deceived and being sullen, there are much better ways to spend time.
(You can laugh about it later with Genya and Fedyor.)