Chapter Text
[The Goodman Residents]
shitonit: oh
shitonit: what the hell
shitonit: GUYS
shitonit: GUYS GUYS GUYS
berriesofthestraw: what’s up poppet
oldmacdonald: hello what
shitonit: i have an announcement
goodboywilson: WHAT HELLOOOOOO
goodboywilson: WHAT WHAG HWAT
berriesofthestraw: TELL !!!!!!!!!!!
oldmacdonald: is it important
shitonit: wdym is it important
shitonit: ITS LIFE CHANGING MATE
oldmacdonald: ok so tell us
Remus: Oh, I think I know what it is.
shitonit: idk maybe you do 🤔
shitonit: we will see
pinkelephants: WHATTTTTTT
pinkelephants: IS IT
berriesofthestraw: REMUS TELL ME
Remus: James will tell all of you.
goodboywilson: ok so my boyfriend knows but i don’t ???????
shitonit: he’s my boyfriend now
shitonit: what about it
alrightlandlord: What.
shitonit: i said nothing
Remus: He’s lying.
shitonit: i’m lying
goodboywilson: better be……
milfdirect: please be quiet
milfdirect: i’m watching something very sexy right now
milfdirect: like.
milfdirect: SO fucking sexy
goodboywilson: ?
berriesofthestraw: ?
oldmacdonald: ?
shitonit: ?
pinkelephants: HUH
castaways: nothing to do with me
berriesofthestraw: somehow that makes it worse
castaways: let her watch porn idk
goodboywilson: james come back james i’m screaming into the void
goodboywilson: JAMES
berriesofthestraw: JAMESSSSSSS
shitonit: RIGHT HELLO
shitonit: my ANNOUNCEMENT
berriesofthestraw: get talking then
castaways: oh yes sorry
castaways: do continue james
milfdirect: ITS NOT PORN BITCH
castaways: ok
castaways: that maya hawke edit again ?
milfdirect: …..
milfdirect: ………
milfdirect: ………….. no
milfdirect: no
milfdirect: never what huh what? ???? Sorry What do u mean huh idk
castaways: hm
berriesofthestraw: fucking shut up dorcas
castaways: ?????????
castaways: WHAT DID I DO
berriesofthestraw: that’s a long list….
milfdirect: LMAO
Remus: Drama at work?
berriesofthestraw: no
berriesofthestraw: not at all
castaways: yeah exactly
castaways: that’s RIGHT
goodboywilson: JAMES HELLO
goodboywilson: tugging my hair out
goodboywilson: falling to the ground on my knees
goodboywilson: so much anticipation
Remus: The dramatics of you.
goodboywilson: you love me
Remus: Who said that?
goodboywilson: ☹️
Remus: Kidding, of course.
goodboywilson: i love you so much i’ll be sick
Remus: I don’t like that vision.
Remus: But I love you, too.
goodboywilson: WAAAAAAA
shitonit: OK OK OK OK
shitonit: ok
shitonit: no one talk now
berriesofthestraw: ok
milfdirect: hurry up i’m a bit busy here
oldmacdonald: sounds wrong
milfdirect: i’ll kill you
oldmacdonald: finally peace at last
oldmacdonald: someone come by my grave to tell me james’ news
shitonit: wait stick around i’m gonna tell u all now
oldmacdonald: ok
berriesofthestraw: get on with it
shitonit: stop talking then
berriesofthestraw: yes okay
salvepettigrew: Hey guys!
Frank: Hiya exclamation point
shitonit: OH FOR FUCK SAKE
shitonit: i can’t win oh my jesus fuck
berriesofthestraw: LMAO
berriesofthestraw: tjena pete
salvepettigrew: Hej 😁
pinkelephants: Frank are you texting while driving again
Frank: Siri smiley face emoji
pinkelephants: of course
Frank: Text Alice
berriesofthestraw: ??&(@?@(?&(@?&?
pinkelephants: wha
Frank: Alice are you getting ready
pinkelephants: i’m already waiting love
Frank: Okay
goodboywilson: this place is hell
salvepettigrew: Does anyone want to go to Wagamamas?
berriesofthestraw: oooooo YEAH
berriesofthestraw: YEAH YEAH YEAH
oldmacdonald: i’m there of course
pinkelephants: me and frank have a date sorry pal
goodboywilson: wait let me ask reg
alrightlandord: Je suis littéralement ici
goodboywilson: oh yeah
goodboywilson: wagamamas?
alrightlandord: Ok.
goodboywilson: ok me and reg are in
salvepettigrew: Great! 😃
alrightlandord: Think he read that himself, stupid prick.
goodboywilson: what the fuck is your problem
alrightlandord: Just shut up ok
goodboywilson: DIE
alrightlandord: 👍🏼
shitonit: what about me????????
goodboywilson: what about you?
shitonit: my invite to wagamamas ☹️
goodboywilson: sorry forgot
alrightlandord: Of course you’re invited James, my love
shitonit: i love you
shitonit: 😁😁😁
alrightlandord: I love you, too.
shitonit: anyway
shitonit: you all fucking suck
oldmacdonald: is that your news? bc it’s not exactly NEW news
shitonit: (apart from my beautiful, amazing boyfriend Regulus Black)
shitonit: No ITS NOT SHUT UP
alrightlandord: Blushing.
shitonit: cute
oldmacdonald: oky
shitonit: so… where was i?
berriesofthestraw: i’m on the edge of my seat here heLLO
pinkelephants: no same
shitonit: oh yes you all SUCK
shitonit: and when this tv show makes me all big and famous i’m gonna delete all your numbers and never talk to any of you again
shitonit: (apart from my amazing boyfriend my love my life my light)
alrightlandord: ☺️❤️
berriesofthestraw: wait
oldmacdonald: HOLD ON
pinkelephants: this WHAT now ????????????
oldmacdonald: is this a piss take
shitonit: NO.
shitonit: surprise. 🙄
salvepettigrew: Congrats, buddy!
shitonit: thanks :)
salvepettigrew: Hope you don’t delete my number.
shitonit: Ok i won’t
salvepettigrew: 😃
oldmacdonald: ur gonna be famous omg 🥲🥲
oldmacdonald: can u be my bitch?
alrightlandord: Ok, back off.
oldmacdonald: shut the fuck up
alrightlandord: No I will not
shitonit: oi mary
shitonit: isn’t lily your bitch?
oldmacdonald: ….
berriesofthestraw: …
oldmacdonald: ………
berriesofthestraw: i’m not her bitch wtf
berriesofthestraw: she’s MY bitch
oldmacdonald: keep talking i like this
berriesofthestraw: shut your whore mouth
oldmacdonald: WOAHHHHHHH
milfdirect: HELLO WHAT WAIT WAIT WAIT
milfdirect: WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US JAMES
shitonit: i was TRYING
shitonit: none of you ever shut up though
goodboywilson: woah……………wtfffff.
goodboywilson: moony you knew this?
berriesofthestraw: who tf is moony
salvepettigrew: Remus
shitonit: remus lupin
goodboywilson: REMUS
Remus: Yes.
Remus: Also stop calling me that.
goodboywilson: never 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
shitonit: NO
milfdirect: oh god
milfdirect: is that his stupid marauders nickname thing
goodboywilson: yes
goodboywilson: and it’s not stupid
oldmacdonald: oh dear…….
Remus: I’m a victim.
berriesofthestraw: poor you
berriesofthestraw: no one asked
Remus: I was captured.
shitonit: damn straight
shitonit: thanks for getting me that audition though
Remus: You’re welcome. ☺️
castaways: WHAT TV SHOW JAMES
castaways: spill everything
shitonit: no fuck u
castaways: woah okay
Remus: He’s being a cunt.
castaways: figured
shitonit: WHAT THE HELL
Remus: It’s the one I’m currently working on.
shitonit: shut up don’t tell everyone
Remus: I will.
berriesofthestraw: WHAT
berriesofthestraw: the one with andrew?
Remus: Yes.
shitonit: UEHAHWUWUAUUHHHH
berriesofthestraw: omg this is so exciting
shitonit: YEAHHHHHHH FUCK
shitonit: ok yeah tell everyone
Remus: Just did.
shitonit: sirius shut this Bitch up
Remus: I can easily get you fired.
shitonit: ok no i’ll be the one to shut up
Remus: Good.
goodboywilson: wait the one with Andrew garfield ? ?
Remus: The one with Andrew Garfield.
goodboywilson: what the fuckity fuck flipping fuck shit what
Remus: Jealous?
goodboywilson: no….
goodboywilson: but what about my audition though
Remus: No offence, honey, but you can’t act.
berriesofthestraw: LMAOOOOO
castaways: so true
castaways: i’ve seen u try to audition to ME drunk
goodboywilson: WHAT WHEN??????
castaways: idk like 3 weeks ago
goodboywilson: why are you gaslighting me
berriesofthestraw: SHES NOT IT HAPPENED
berriesofthestraw: i was there 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
oldmacdonald: yeah it did happen i was also there
salvepettigrew: So was I!
salvepettigrew: Actually forgot it happened
goodboywilson: great so everyone was there
goodboywilson: so i can’t act ?????
castaways: no babe
Remus: Sorry, but no.
shitonit: nah u can’t
goodboywilson: AND YOU CAN??????
shitonit: YES I CAN
castaways: i guess we will See
Remus: If you got the part, I’m assuming that you can.
Remus: Maybe it was a mistake though.
goodboywilson: sounds legitimate your agency or whatever
Remus: The best!!!!
shitonit: thanks for the vote of confidence friends
Remus: Anytime.
shitonit: yeah
shitonit: so that was my announcement
pinkelephants: it was an incredible announcement
pinkelephants: can u sign my phone case please
shitonit: omg yeah sure
berriesofthestraw: very proud of you james
Frank: Congratulations
castaways: ^ this is huge
castaways: excited to see you on tv 📺
shitonit: thank u 😔😔
castaways: i’ll point and laugh
shitonit: rude
berriesofthestraw: omg wait james maybe we can work together one day 😁
shitonit: YEAHHHHHHHHH
berriesofthestraw: new stage bf????
Remus: Ha!
alrightlandord: Hot……
shitonit: ok talk when i win a grammy, bye!!!!
alrightlandord: Good riddance
alrightlandord: Wait I thought Sirius said that
alrightlandord: Baby come back
goodboywilson: HELP ME
goodboywilson: JAMESSSSSSSSSSSSS
goodboywilson: JAMES HELLO
goodboywilson: ok see you later then
goodboywilson: ps. It’s not a Grammy u win for acting, idiot
salvepettigrew: Who is coming to Wagamamas then?
goodboywilson: all of us im assuming
oldmacdonald: yep
milfdirect: yeah i’m coming
Frank: Not me and Alice full stop
goodboywilson: do you ever just text without talking to sirius ?????
goodboywilson: siri*******
oldmacdonald: SIRIUS
Frank: No
goodboywilson: fair enough
milfdirect: frank is so Real
Frank: Thanks 🙏🏼
milfdirect: OH AN EMOJI
Frank: Did it work question mark
pinkelephants: YES!!!!!!
milfdirect: YEYDYEYEYDYEYEDDDD
berriesofthestraw: oh this is revolutionary
goodboywilson: wait so true….
goodboywilson: better than james’ news
shitonit: i knew you were bitter you dumb fuck
salvepettigrew: See you all later!
oldmacdonald: see you later petey
berriesofthestraw: vi ses !!
goodboywilson: i’m not bitter no of course not
goodboywilson: i’m actually buzzing in my seat for you
shitonit: oh
goodboywilson: but i can be bitter and throw you out of my goddamn house
shitonit: ur barely here anymore???
goodboywilson: AND
goodboywilson: i’m literally here right now
shitonit: i am shocked
goodboywilson: don’t tempt me
shitonit: ok so i’ll just move out then and buy a house with your brother?
alrightlandord: I like that idea.
shitonit: me too
goodboywilson: i hate you both
alrightlandord: Likewise.
salvepettigrew: Guys
salvepettigrew: Is miso soup good?
Frank: Yes full stop very good
salvepettigrew: Ok I trust you
[Marauders ™]
wormtail: Psssssttttt
wormtail: Do you guys realise that one of us is gonna be famous?
wormtail: Helloooooo
wormtail: ANSWER
wormtail: Oh wait
wormtail: We are all sat across from each other right now
wormtail: Okay bye, ignore this.
Remus: Home now.
wormtail: Me too
Remus: Wait… hang on…
Remus: Am I not enough for you, dear Wormy?
wormtail: What do you mean?
Remus: I was nominated for a Rising Star Award a few days ago.
Remus: If you consider that famous, I don’t know.
padfoot: mf stop being modest
padfoot: AND CHANGE YOUR NICKNAME
Remus: Okay, fuck you all, I’m better than any of you!!!
Remus: No, I will not change my nickname.
padfoot: wow ok
wormtail: HELLO
wormtail: YOU WHAT?
Remus: Yeah…
Remus: Pretty proud of myself, honestly.
wormtail: I didn’t realise how popular Sunnyland was.
wormtail: I am deeply mistaken, I apologise.
wormtail: Wait
wormtail: If you’re only a Rising Star how have you landed a tv show with Andrew Garfield??????
Remus: I don’t know, man.
Remus: I’m just THAT Rising Star.
padfoot: not you taking my title
padfoot: you’re sick in the head
Remus: Oops.
Remus: Where’d my no.1 fan go?
padfoot: sorry who are u on about
padfoot: i’ve never been ur fan hahha hahaha hahqhahaha what
Remus: Sure…
Remus: I could just bring up a few receipts?
wormtail: Haha do it!!!
padfoot: istg right now shut up John
Remus: ENOUGH.
wormtail: Not John 😭
padfoot: wdym not john?
padfoot: his best era
Remus: That’s… hurtful.
padfoot: get over it
wormtail: Is this a domestic I’m sniffing
padfoot: nahhh
padfoot: we are as good as ever
padfoot: right, baby cakes?
Remus: Yeah. Always.
Remus: Just braided his hair.
padfoot: SHHHHHHHHHHH DONT TELL HIM THAT
wormtail: Awww 😀
wormtail: James
wormtail: @prongs
padfoot: nOOOOOOOO
prongs: fuck off what
padfoot: leave
prongs: ok
wormtail: Fame has gone to your head already
prongs: no you’re just annoying and im not famous yet
prongs: at least not as famous as remus
prongs: anyway
prongs: whyd you Tag me
prongs: i’m in a match against marlene on mario kart
prongs: gtg
padfoot: loser !!!!!!!!!
prongs: you’re right
prongs: 6th place
prongs: i blame you wormtail
prongs: @wormtail HATE CLUB
padfoot: YEAHHHHH
wormtail: Fuck you both
wormtail: BELLENDS
prongs: homophobic?
wormtail: YEAH!
padfoot: oh my…
wormtail: Wait
wormtail: No no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO
padfoot: you’ve gone and done it now
padfoot: irreversible.
prongs: yeah.
prongs: GAY RIGHTS!
wormtail: Ok
wormtail: Anyway
wormtail: Prongs?
prongs: omg what
wormtail: Never date one of your fans.
prongs: ???@?@?@?@?
prongs: i have a boyfriend already babe
wormtail: Oh yeah
wormtail: I forgot
wormtail: Still…
prongs: i’ll stick to my best friends brother thanks
wormtail: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
padfoot: oh dear god…
Remus: Errrr, hello?
Remus: Are you attacking me, Peter??
Remus: What did I do??
wormtail: Idk you’re just there as a prime example
Remus: Rightttttt.
wormtail: Sirius is fucking annoying
Remus: Yeah, no shit.
padfoot: him saying this as if he didn’t just squeal when i kissed his neck
padfoot: never mind me being his fan
padfoot: he’s MY biggest fan
prongs: gross didn’t need to know that
Remus: Shut your fucking mouth.
prongs: ME??????
Remus: No, not you.
Remus: Also yes, you.
padfoot: ok make ME
Remus: On your knees then.
wormtail: ?
prongs: ?
padfoot: ANNOYING FUCKERREKSKWOSOOSSOS
prongs: ok i’m checking out bye
prongs: you’re all DEAD TO ME
Remus: I see heaven’s gates.
Remus: Finally.
prongs: ?
Remus: 😁
padfoot: remus, my sweet sweet boy
Remus: Yes?
padfoot: CHANGE YOUR NICKNAME ITS BEEN 4 MONTHS SINCE U BECAME ONE OF US
Remus: No.
[Remus changed their nickname to moony]
moony: there i did it - sirius
wormtail: Nice!
prongs: wait i’m back
prongs: real…
moony: FUCK YOU.
padfoot: okay ;)
moony: This looks so gross.
moony: And you’re so gross.
padfoot: happy ur here baby !!!!
prongs: OMG we are complete ❤️
padfoot: i’m emotional
moony: You’re all freaks.
moony: (Happy I’m here as well.)
wormtail: 😀😀😀