Chapter Text
The party has fallen silent, save for the gentle na na na’s that emanate from the mere presence of One Direction. The percents love had slowly began to rise after Grape’s departure, but now it has frozen still. Shocked. They have no control. Wow doesn’t it drive them crazy, just how fast the night changes. It’s the story of my life. What a feeling.
“I see that the Spoonians are insecure,” sneers Hairy, with the rest of the members murmuring insecure, insecure. insecu-u-ure. The crowd gasps. Official recognition of Spoons?
“That’s right. We know that you know that Spoons is real and not destroyed by a nuclear bomb. And that Yorknew has been extorting them for their soup.” Zain says, the night changing quickly.
Liam trembles in the back of the pentagonal formation One Direction has formed. His night of passion with Freckles… yes, he was xenophobic to Spoons, but he had come to love the place and see that it was not full of savagery, the way the Y/NBI had explained it to him when he was being exiled there. The gentle flow of soup from the mountaintop was the first thing he saw in Spoons, and he had come to love it. Even though he’s technically a prisoner. Liam begins to write Stockholm Syndrome.
“Yorknew is ready to run.” Louis Tomliasons sings haughtily. “If the Spoons case is going to blow, it’s going to blow on our terms. We’re going to settle this the old fashioned way.” Some peepees begin to harden, remembering the beginning of this fic. “Even older fashioned.” The peepees wilt. “SPORTING!”
“That’s right. We formally challenge every nation on the cone to a sports competition. The winner? They get ownership of Spoons.”
Gasps reverberate around the ballroom. Gaspgaspgasp. Having a new owner, with no time for Spoons to pull its hair into a messy bun? Everyone in Spoons blinks their E/C orbs. Then it dawns on them.
“And if Spoons wins…” Joie says thotfully. “They reclaim ownership of themselves.”
Hairy ha ha ha’s in the same tone as his na na na’s. “But there’s no chance of that happening. Everyone knows that if you’re good at movies, you’re no good at sportsing.”
The Opening Ceremony begins sharply at 17 hours and .33 black hole milliseconds. The sky shuts down as Zero ladles the sun into the mist for now. It’s the perfect scenery. Drones cascades throughout the Toesronto sky. A hoverboard begins rising from the ground. Could that be someone of importance?
The mayor of Toesronto, Justil Tridente can be heard through the form of a flying bird. Tweet tweet. It resembles the old twitter bird (rip). “Welcome to the Olympic games,” he chirps!
A simple but effective speech from the mayor has the CanIGetaDa(?)ians crying tears of elation. What a high honor for the games to be kicked off in Toesronto even after Grape embarrassed their culture on the world stage. They even changed their name from Canadiafornia to CanIGetaDa(?) as a PR move. Here, they could redeem themselves and maybe just maybe, increase celibacy rates once and for all - through the good ole Olympic VILLA. Professional athletes all together in one place? A perfect recipe for such a crisis.
The other athletes are not so moved by the chirping bird, but Tridente is known for being rather handsome for a political figure. Therefore, he receives a good response from the athletes.
What comes next is a special need for “O CanIGetaDa(?)” to be sung. Who better to sing than Justin Beaver and Avril Lasagna, renowned CanIGetaDa(?)ians?
They appear on the hovercraft, and Justin Beaver guzzles down some maple syrup. Legend says maple syrup helps with singing, however, the use of the syrup will be banned in the acapella competitions due to its recent status change of becoming a PED. This has been a particularly controversial decision amongst the host nation, but they cannot help what the IOC decides.
Avril Lasagna shows off a pink stripe in her hair, so everyone just knows this performance is bound to be good. “This one’s for you, CanIGetaDa(?)ians!” Avril announces.
The duo begins their nation’s theme:
O CanIGetaDa(?)!
Our home and demure land!
Lying patriot love in all of us command.
With glowing sins we see thee rise,
The True North sexy and free!
From Brazil to France,
O CanIGetaDa(?), we stand on guard for thee.
Tridente keep our land gluttonous and facetious!
O CanIGetaDa(?), we stand on business for thee.
O CanIGetaDa(?), we stand on business for thee.
From Brazil to France? Could it be that CanIGetaDa(?) is staking a land claim over the entire world in their opening ceremony? For a split black hole millisecond, World War 5000900 almost breaks out.
An announcement waves through a blimp: “It was just catchy, so don’t worry about it.” Wink wink, Tridente hopes the people buy it. Fair enough, everybody shrugs. Tridente will not be caught this time!
The parade of nations kicks off, beginning with Grease (they always start- a bit stingy) led by Hercules (from Disney movie fame). He is set to participate in weightlifting and is 100% not on performance enhancing druggas. Just cocaine.
NEXT. Ireland! Led by none other than, Nail Horan. He does a little jig to represent his country. It’s heartwarming.
Here comes the other guy with the jig, it’s Loen from Scotland. A loud “MAXIS SAMA” can be heard through the speakers. Do they usually mic up flag bearers? Loen sings, raps, and breakdances, the delightful tune reverberating throughout the CN tower. It’s quite wonderful.
Joisey New is the next nation. It’s a total party on their hoverboard. Their gym, tan, and laundry flag receives high praises amongst the other nations.
Lights, camera, action !!! It’s Korea time. Baekhyun sings a beautiful performance of “cry for love” that makes everyone CRYYYY. Jumin Han lurks in the background while 707 gets pushed off the hovercraft for his homophobia. OUCH!
Up next is Northmeir represented by Northmeir royalty himself, Nagi Rokuya! It’s giving Norway, Denmark, the Netherlands, Finland and Sweden, but those don’t exist. Nagi represents his country sitting in a nicely furnished hover room. Each piece of furniture has an instruction manual attached.
Wales can be heard from the lake ontoerio. Yes, from the lake. They are a country that specializes in diving, surfing, and vocalization. AWOOOO. Killer whales, belugas, whale sharks (they scream the loudest awooo canonically), bluu whales, my humps back. So many whales in the lake ontoerio.
Up next! Mexico! Represented by F1 driver Sergio Pezz, who probably should not still hold a seat in F1 (most definitely not) but yk it’s fine. Mexico is apart of our world map although we have not mentioned it, but it just felt right, you know?!?
Vietnam also exists (a/n: recall: Levi Ackerman was a Vietnam war veteran, I am also recalling). Hanni from NewJeans represents the country and gives an amazing dance to soty supernatural. It is a sight to behold!
Jain is dressed in her lederhosen! Bazongas! Her and Frankensteiner diligently represent Germany better than any current ATP member irl (a/n we HATE the RAT and he does not exist in this universe iykyk!)
All star athlete Edward Cullen bears the flag of Forks. Cullen has competed in track, spider monkeying (since discontinued), and baseball.
Gru stomps on the moon, and it moves down a bit. The moon delegation waves aka Zero and Gru. Every year, they dominate in moonwalking as it is their national sport.
China, which has been mentioned in language and drama previously, makes a big showing. They are represented by former EXO member Tao! Repawter Windy Williams asks Tao “what to do if your boyfriend cheats? 🤔” Tao gets angy! Not at Windy but at the audacity of men. “BREAK UP IMMEDIATELY. DO YOU STILL HAVE TO ASK ME THIS QUESTION. OF COURSE YOU MUST DUMP HIM.”
Windy and him both sip tea together before Tao gets angrier, “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING?” They take another shot of tea. He continues: “JUST TELL HIM ‘YO YOU CHEATED. I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU. GET LOST!”
He grips his hat in disbelief before CONTINUING, “SALUTE. BYE. LET’S BE MORE CONFIDENT. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU STILL BE WITH HIM IF HE CHEATED? NEVER TAKE BACK WHAT YOU HAVE DISCARDED. OKAY?”
Tao leans back and takes a sip of tea. Why is he drinking tea standing on this hoverboard? Idk but it’s helping him get his point across. HE CONTINUES YET AGAIN: “HOW CAN YOU TOLERATE A MAN CHEATING? ARE YOU THAT CRAZY? IF HE CAN CHEAT ONCE, THERE WILL BE A SECOND TIME.”
Windy and him sip tea real quick, before she follows up: “Then, what about the girlfriend cheating?”
“THEN WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLFRIEND CHEATING? BREAK UP WITH HER TOO.” And just when it seems Tao is finally done and Windy got a good repawt, he continues once more:
“ISN’T IT THE SAME? MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL, OKAY? WHO CHEATS IS WHO WILL BE DUMPED.” Tao cracks a smile and takes a final satisfying sip of tea.
Windy Williams then poses a prompt to the crowd, “clap if you agree.”
The entire stadium claps, and it’s exactly what the Olympics spirit is about. Yes, we can all come together and agree that cheating is bad. A little strange that Jain and other cheaters are clapping, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s what she deserves.
Next up is SPOONS. Levi Ackerman is seen for the first time in a non calculated amount black hole milliseconds and 11 chapters of ykttswm. He bears a sphere-like flag, representing his home country for the first time in a long time. Other Spoonian natives such as Lord Cornelius Springer and Lady Sascha Braus, Reiner, Mikasa, Eren, More on this to follow.
The City State of Yorknew is pumped up! Bakuguo and Deku share a tasteful kiss as residents who practice law in the City State of Yorknew. Everyone is touched. Rumors swirl that felon Chrollo funded the float which calls into question why a felon is able to do such a thing? But rich man does what rich man does. Native Yorkneworker Windy Williams opens her own door on the hoverboard. There is just a door on the hoverboard idk what to tell you. She bears the Yorknew flag proudly!
Japanifornia is next and boasts the biggest delegation. A GOAT leads the flag bearing duties bahhh - his name, Lebrat <3. Too epic of a display. It mirrors the image of when Japanifornia won the revolutionary battle of the sky.
Last (hehe.. maybe) but not least (well maybe), the host country CanIGetDuh(?). Ceiling On Deez On humms a tune - a warm up of what’s to come. Pollsters begin gauging crowd impressions of CanIGetDuh(?) as a result of Ceiling On Deez On’s performance.
And then, a special guest. The CN tower is trembling with anticipation. Who is to say who the finale guest will be???
A slender silhouette. A navy-ette bob. Cobalt eyes smoulder through galvanized steel rods.
It is…. HOLY SHIT! Is that Tokiya?????
Yes!! Fans rejoice as Tokiya opens his pink Fenty lip glossed up mouth and he devours the mic whole like a snakey. Gulp. The sweet slithers of saliva against the microphone in his throatussy begin to vibrate at a delightful frequency. The mic picks up and projects to the whole stadium and televisions tuned in across the cone:
Amaaaaaaajjing grace
How sweeeereet the sound
That saaaaaaaavrd a wreeeeeeeeeeetch like meeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Fireworks boom 💥 🤯 in the background. Ever since his voice began to waver in ‘XX, no one thought he would fully emerge from his retirement ever again. But there he is proving the haters wrong.
Eyeeeeee onncreeeeeeee was loooooost but nowwwwww I’m foooooooooooound
Was bliiiind but now I c
Applause!!!!!
Everyone erupts into a ravenous cacophony of hand clapping so filthy you’d have thought it was an orgy. Smack smack. Tokiya has returned from the dark of night to deliver such a performance!!!!
BUT THEN. A shapely silhouette falls across Tokiya’s graced staged. Thin at first, then blossoming into a beautiful ellipse. Could it be… the Spoonian team?
Blathers who is at the games, turns to give a bit of historical backstory. “The Spoonian Olympic team hasn’t been seen since the Vietnam War.”
Poptropican Black Widow turns to him, confused. They commuted from YorkNew to Toesronto together after the trial, and have been having many intellectual conversations since they’re both nerds. “I thought that the team was gone since well before the Nepoonian war, once Spoons got colonized by YorkNew.”
Blathers chucked owlfully, hooty hooing. “Well… do you remember the 19XX Summer Olympics? The first time YorkNew served cunt in the Olympics? That was due to the recent acquisition of the Spoonian team. They were made to compete on the behalf of YorkNew, but it was too recent after the war for people to forget, or to begin to assimilate. It was meant to be a show of force by Yorknew, to have these athletes win medals for YorkNew even though they were visibly Spoonians, but the Spoonian team rebelled. Every chance they got, they tried to remind the world that Spoons existed, was still its own country, and would be free once more. They poured chowder on the native YorkNewers, spewed stew on the podiums, and rigged the sprinkler system to spray gazpacho on the crowds.”
Black Widow whistles. “What happened to them?”
Blathers purses his beak. It click-clacks awkwardly, because you can’t really do that with a beak. “There aren’t any records. But it’s one of the only documented instances of Spoonian resistance, because soon after, Spoons would be completely annihilated by the nuclear weapon. As per the official record, anyways.”
Black Widow hums thoughtfully. “And this new team… you think they’ll have what it takes? To reclaim their home?”
Before Blathers can respond, the spoon-shaped shadow turns into a spoon-shaped spotlight, as the players are carried forth on a spoon shaped platform. Who do we see as they get off the spoon? Levi Ackerman, in his wheelchair.
“Oh mein gott,” Jain gasps Germanly. It’s been at least like ten chapters since we’ve seen him… It turns out that he’s traumatized from the Vietnam War not just because of the trauma, but because he was forced to leave his home country of Spoons and fight…
The Olympic flame. 🔥
CanIGetADa(?)ian Grape holds a mic and says “Imma bout to drop a line so fire it will alight the Olympic flame aight???”
He then says [redacted] which makes the audience groan in misery. He is forcibly removed. Then, Mike Sarah grabs the flame. He catapults it from the base of CN tower all the way up to the tippy top. The flame catches!!! The Summer Olympics has officially begun!
Tridente is pleased with how great the ceremony went and asks for polls to hear about the impressions on CanIGetaDuh(?) from the international communities.
The polls are in:
After Grape and Jackson: -69500% favorability
After name change: 0% favorability (neutral)
After avril lavigne and justin beaver performance: 22% favorability
After Ceiling On Deez On performance: 69500% favorability
After Tokiya performance: 420000% favorability
After Grape appearance: -695000% favorability
After Grape kicked out: 1% favorability
Tridente claps his hands. While there was some variation due to various events, CanIGetaDuh(?) has a positive impression among the international community, polling at a positive 1% favorability.
Tridente is looking forward to these games mwah hah hah hah hah.
-
Day 1️⃣: the first games of that day was an intense battle in HORSE basketball between Tokiya and Bakugou. Defense Attorney Bakugou destroys the basketball’s texture with his sweat sweaty hands of nitroglycerin. Tokiya notably lets the nodes of the basketball go through his hands as Deku. Mexico wins second in HORSE, getting HORS.
Day Dew: The Knotting champion (the main ceremony honors the height of knot craft, the length of knot held within a partner, with the traditional gold, silver, and bronze. Traditionally, there is special platinum medal recognition for speed to achieve and size of the swell, all measured with specialty nanobot condoms sponsored by Muskrat E. Lomb.) Northmeir was thought to have an advance in this sport, but nay, they didn’t slay.
CanIGetADa(?)ian Ceiling On Deez On and Koreanian Baekhyun face each other in Vocalizations. They belt out heartwrenching rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” but Ceiling On Deez On wins the hearts of the judges with a recorder solo and garners a perfect 1 (Vocalizations, like golf, are scored with the lowest amount of points being the leading score.)
Day Thee: The Breakdancing championships are on! But they were closed due to inclement weather. Germany and Vietnam were so looking forward to competing. Joisey New plots to take the world by storm with a brand new dance. Scotland’s Loen sharpens his clogs to a razor point. Ireland surprisingly takes the lead on Whittling, followed by Germany.
Day For?: On Soup-Making, Spoon sweeps! They pick up brooms and sweep! All the vegetables into the soup. A delicious soup. They swept. And then wept when they won their country’s first gold metal medal in ever. What a sweet and salty and spicy and umami victory. China wins a second place with their tomato soup hot pot.
Day Bive: Underwater Basket Weaving. Spoons bends their spoons backwards and use them to carve a beautiful underwater basket. Japanifornian Lebrat grumbles and throws a hissy fit because he otherwise held the world record, and if it weren’t for the age minimum for UBW (the acronym) being lowered, these younger Spoonians wouldn’t even have been able to qualify anyway! The heck! Edward Cullen of Forks wins a modest Bronze.
Day Sex: Mermaid Time! Whoever can come up with the best mermaid powers and styles wins. It is scored on a 50 point scale by 10 judges, Creativity, Performance, Accuracy to Folklore, Rizz, and Smexiness. These judges’ scores are added up and averaged. Spoons, with a Selkie inspired theme, wins a 49.90, a season’s best. However, Wales of course won the night with their whale oh whale routine. Grease wins third with a stunning modern take on a siren. Gru, of The Moon, gets a special recognition for being the moon and attracting the tides that have allowed Mermaids to flourish all this time.
The world is on the edge of their seats! Oh boy! Spoons is doing remarkably well. They are making an impression on the metals. They are bending reality to their steel will. See what I did there, hrmm?
Spoonians really just might do it! Spoons looked to the world and said, “I’ll be shootin’ for me own hand!” and shot the arrow of the Olympic spirit right into their own heart. They really might win their independence!
And with that, Katniss defiantly tells the world, ““I’ll also give you a sweet dream next night!”